Carrie spent the last two months of her life functioning at a speed faster than usual. She needed to keep every minute of her time occupied, so she didn't think about him. Besides taking care of Frannie, she tried to help Maggie as much as she could. Carrie made dinners, took the girls to ballet practice and occasionally did some laundry.
She had found Saul when she got back from Iraq and allowed him to explain everything to her. Carrie listened patiently and even subdued her anger, that Quinn had asked her to try and control. Even after getting the full story and understanding that Haqqani was the target the entire time, it didn't change anything for her. It didn't change the fact that they used Quinn for their dirty work. "It's the life he committed to." Saul had told her calmly, attempting a truce. Naturally, they didn't agree. Saul wanted to put her back into the field immediately; Middle East station of her choice. She turned down his offer and asked to be put on a desk at Langley. Saul allowed it, knowing he would have to give her time and be patient before approaching her again.
Carrie tried not to work long hours, and found this easier without a mission, or a target to track. She spent time with Max and that was comforting for her, him being her only friend. She relieved the nanny on a regular basis and Frannie got used to her mother being there everyday. She had made several attempts at speaking to Dar Adal, so she could contact Quinn, but he wasn't having it. He wanted nothing to do with her after finding out she bugged his home.
Carrie heard from Quinn only two weeks after they had parted in Iraq. It was 2:30am, she was in a haze and hadn't recognized the number on her phone, but immediately knew it was him. She jolted up in bed and answered quickly, "Quinn!" she held her breath until she heard his voice.
"Hi." He said quietly, and could picture exactly what she looked like. He heard her release her breath and smiled, knowing that meant she was happy to hear from him. "Hi." She said back and waited, this was still new to her and she was unsure of how to act.
"How are you? How's Frannie?" He asked. "Frannie's good, she's really good. Sleeping long hours which I am grateful for." She told him with a short laugh.
Quinn smiled a bit, "How are youCarrie?" She didn't respond right away and he paused. "You ok?" He was worried about her. He knew what leaving her like he did could do to her.
"Yea, I am ok. I am fine." She said quickly, and tried to move the conversation on. "Are you ok? Are you being careful?"
"I am fine and I am always careful, you know that." Quinn told her and she responded quickly, "Yea, just not with me, right?" He sensed her playful tone and he smiled. "Right."
There was silence and they both held their phones tightly. Carrie lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling, "I worry about you, Quinn."
He moved the phone away from his mouth and rubbed his brow, "Don't. You don't need to worry." He told her firmly.
She scoffed slightly, "Well you know that's not possible."
He smiled to himself and shook his head, "I know, Carrie." More silence. "I have to go. I don't know when I'll be able to call again. I'll be home soon." He told her gently, knowing this was surely upsetting her.
She felt tears form in her eyes and she ran her right hand through her hair. "Just be careful. No letter, remember." She told him and could hear him swallow hard.
"Bye." Was all he said and he hung up the phone, pulling out the SIM card and battery. He knew he wouldn't contact her again until he got home - if he made it home.
Carrie held the phone to her ear until she heard the beeping, signaling he had hung up. She rested the phone on her chest and took a deep breath. She would spend the next few weeks waiting patiently for his call that wouldn't come.
64 days, 11 hours and 7 minutes since she last saw him. But, who was counting? Her phone never rang and when it did it was always a familiar number. She tried to subdue feelings of being abandoned by him, as they naturally crept to the surface of her mind. She couldn't help it. Carrie knew he was on a mission, knew he had a target and knew he wouldn't come home until it was done. Saul and Dar Adal had locked her out of any intel she could possibly receive and in a way, she was grateful for that. Knowing when he had been injured and left for dead in Syria had been too painful to take.
It was a Tuesday. Carrie had left work an hour early that day to bring the girls to their recital, while Maggie took a late shift. By the time Maggie got home later that evening, they were both in need of several glasses of wine. They sat in the kitchen, chatting about nothing really, laughing here and there, when the doorbell rang. "It's late, which means it's probably for you." Maggie said, jokingly, laughing slightly. Carrie smirked at her and got up, making her way to the door, "Soo funny, I guarantee it's some-" she opened the door and immediately stopped talking. Her heart dropped to her stomach and she stood frozen, staring at him.
Rob stood there, looking slightly disheveled and focused his eyes on her. Carrie took a few sharp deep breaths in and backed up slightly, "No." she shook her head, feeling tears coming,"No...no. Don't you dare give me another letter!" She clung to the door and tried to shut it, not wanting what she thought to be true to become reality. "I don't want to hear it! Leave!"
Rob firmly reached for the door, stopping her from shutting it in his face. "Stop! Damn it! Would you let me talk?!" He paused for a moment until she stopped trying to shut the door and stood still. "He's fine." Rob lowered his hand from the door and let it drop to his side. Carrie released a long, ragged breath and tears fell from her cheeks and she shut her eyes. "Quinn's fine, he's being debriefed in a safe house, but they won't let him leave yet. They sent me to come get you."
She took in everything Rob was saying and took a deep breath. "Ok. Ok.. He's fine?" She asked again, needing him to confirm one more time.
"Yea, he's fine. Now I need you to get your shit together and come with me." Rob told her and she heard the urgency in his voice. She ran back to the kitchen and grabbed her cell and keys quickly. "I gotta go, I'll be back." She told a confused Maggie, and rushed back out the door, following Rob, who was already making his way to his truck.
Carrie hurried over to her car, "I'll follow you!" She shouted to Rob then thought for a second, "Wait! Who sent you for me?...Who did you mean by they?" She had stopped moving and stood with the drivers door open, examining Rob closely.
He sighed and pulled his car door open, "Who do you think?" He said, and she raised her eyebrows at him. "You need me to say it?" Rob shook his head at Carrie, "My boss and your boss. Now let's go before they ship his ass out again."
"Fuck." Carrie muttered under her breath, here we go again.
They pulled up to the unassuming safe house about 20 minutes later. They were outside of the city and the night air was cool. She had ran out without a coat but didn't care. Carrie jumped out of her car, ahead of Rob and he called after her, but knew there was no stopping her. She burst through the front door and ran down a hallway to her left, finding nothing. Wrong one. Carrie rushed to the other side of the house and down a back hallway, Rob now right on her heels. "Carrie, wait!" She threw the heavy grey door open and saw Quinn sitting at a bare metal table, Dar Adal across from him.
Carrie stood frozen as Rob appeared behind her and she stared only at Quinn. She felt paralyzed. He stared back at her, clearly shocked to see her there. He looked thinner than she left him and he had a bruised left eye and a small cut on his forehead. Otherwise, he looked perfect as always.
Quinn had been feeling as if his body was going to completely crash from exhaustion before she walked into the room. At the first sight of her, his adrenaline immediately began pumping and he held her stare.
Dar Adal rolled his eyes and sighed when Carrie burst into the room. "You always know how to make an entrance, Carrie." He said sarcastically and leaned back in the chair.
Quinn realized something was up when Dar Adal wasn't surprised to see her. Quinn jumped to his feet, the metal chair falling back and hitting the floor hard behind him. "What the fuck is this?!" He shouted at Adal and looked at him, getting more angry by the second. "What the fuck are you up to?" He yelled again as he quickly circled the table as Dar Adal rose to his feet, meeting Quinn halfway. Carrie stood watching, unsure of what to do; she was well aware of their tumultuous relationship.
Before Dar Adal could answer, there was a voice from the doorway, "Sit down." Saul said sternly and looked at Quinn and Adal, "Both of you." He made his way into the room and walked to another chair that was propped in the corner. Saul dragged it back to the table and positioned it next to where Quinn had been sitting. "Carrie, you too." He said and when none of them moved he sighed, "Please." Saul added sharply and Quinn looked suspiciously at him, before flashing his eyes to Carrie, imploring her to sit with him.
She slowly walked across the room, as Quinn picked up his chair and sat back down, his body stiffening a bit when she sat next to him. He felt a wave of anxiety cross his body, one that only she could cause. They both fought the urge to touch one another and found themselves slightly distracted. Dar Adal sat back down while Saul stood against the wall, arms folded. Adal and Quinn stared each other down. "You can go now. Thank you for another superior job." Adal sarcastically told Rob, without even looking at him. Rob gritted his teeth and glanced at Carrie, giving her a slight nod before leaving the room, slamming the heavy door behind him.
"Well? What the fuck is going on?" Carrie asked impatiently and flashed her eyes between Saul and Dar Adal, her eyebrows raised. She sat on the edge of the chair, poised to jump up at any minute.
Saul wasted no time, "Haqqani is dead." He told her curtly. Carrie breathed out slowly at the news and looked at Quinn, sitting statuesque, next to her. He looked down, and she knew this meant that his mission had been a success.
"Good, but why don't you get to it, Saul? You didn't drag me out here to give me that news." Carrie said anxiously, wanting to get the hell out of there - with Quinn.
As always, she rubbed Dar Adal the wrong way and he leaned forward, folding his hands on the table neatly. He looked at Quinn then turned his attention back to Carrie, "There was significant chatter over the lines after Haqqani was killed." He paused briefly, "We've been informed that Haqqani wasn't who we should have been targeting."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Quinn hissed at him immediately. This was all news to him. Adal held up his palms to him, "Let me finish. We have extensive intel revealing a much larger cell that extends beyond Haqqani."
Carrie shook her head and furrowed her brow, his words barely sinking in. "No.. That's bullshit! He's the one who raided our Embassy and killed our people. Haqqani did that! HE gave that order!" She shouted, her heart pounding rapidly. Quinn grabbed her right hand under the table to calm her, and held her hand tightly on her knee.
"Fuck." Quinn muttered and shut his eyes for a minute, leaning back in the chair, keeping hold of Carrie's hand. Saul noticed but didn't say a word. "It makes fucking sense. He would have never entered the Embassy himself, put his face on our cameras, if he had given the order. It was too risky. How did we not realize that.." Quinn said to none of them, but more to himself. "Shit." He banged his other fist on the table out of frustration.
Saul knew they were both taking this hard and were almost at their breaking points. He walked to the table and leaned over, placing both his hands on the cold metal surface. He looked at both of them intently, his eyes dark. "We need you both on this...As soon as possible." He paused and realized both of their expressions had changed, "Tonight." Saul finished and held his gaze with Carrie.
She opened her mouth slightly, not being able to take in what was happening. She shook her head and knew there were no words coming out. She felt Quinn suddenly release his grip on her hand and he stood up. "No. Absolutely not. We're done with this. We can't...Not again, not after what we've been through." He said firmly and faced Saul directly. "Carrie, let's go." Quinn commanded, turning towards the door, and still in shock, she rose from the table, following Quinn.
"The cell goes beyond the Middle East." Adal said loudly, but calmly. "It's reached home. They're here." He lowered his voice ominously as Saul looked at the floor, feeling ashamed and disgusted at the thought. Carrie and Quinn both stopped dead in their tracks and looked at each other, before turning back, almost in unison.
Carrie made the first steps back into the room, to look Saul and Dar Adal in the face. Quinn stood his ground, only shuffling in a foot. "Are you sure?" She asked and felt a wave a panic come over her body. Dar Adal just stared back at her with a look that made her know that they were positive. Carrie breathed out and paced around herself and Quinn folded his arms, rubbing one hand to his forehead. After all they had gone through...from Pakistan, Syria, Iraq and back again, they still hadn't won.
Quinn broke the silence, his voice slightly hoarse and somewhat defeated, "So what is it that you want from us?" He looked at Saul this time, expecting the real answer from him.
Saul shoved his hands in his pockets and looked Quinn in the eyes, feeling Carrie's glare, "Look, we wouldn't ask this if it weren't a severe threat. You're our best and we don't have the luxury of time to loop in anyone new. You both have the background, you know the players and you two are the only real shot we have at stopping these bastards from hitting us at home." Saul flashed his eyes between them and knew he must have them on the hook. "I know tonight is a bit much to ask-"
"Tomorrow, 0800 at Langley. If you aren't going to do it, don't bother coming at all." Dar Adal finished for Saul and got up, walking past Quinn and leaving the room.
Carrie still paced a bit and Quinn watched her, knowing this was a struggle for her. He was struggling with it too, but didn't show it. She finally stopped moving and made eye contact with Saul, before walking back towards Quinn. "Carrie, a word?" Saul asked gently and she stopped in her tracks. Quinn looked at her carefully and she nodded she was ok and squeezed his arm. Quinn looked at Saul before leaving them alone.
She folded her arms and Saul walked towards her, leaving a foot between them. "I am glad you came, Carrie." He said, attempting to give her a small smile but she just looked back at him, expressionless. "Carrie... you know I need you on this, right?" It was a rhetorical question and she raised her eyebrows shaking her head.
Dar Adal stood outside, waiting patiently for Quinn, knowing Saul would hold Carrie back. As soon as Quinn exited the house, he made eye contact with Adal and breathed out sharply, feeling at his breaking point. "This is serious Peter." He said and walked over to face Quinn directly. "A lot of people are going to die if I don't have you there to stop them. I will admit it, I need you leading the team."
"Carrie...they're planning a string of Embassy attacks...just like what happened in Islamabad." Saul told her quietly and held her stare. She didn't know how to process the information and felt her breathing become quicker, "What?!... So you're telling me not only are these fucks on our own soil but they're planning to take us out, God knows where else?!" She was shouting, trying to warp her mind around this. How they could have been so ignorant.
"We've confirmed the cell is planning a wave of Embassy attacks... imminent attacks." Dar Adal told Quinn and could see the shock spread across Quinn's generally stoic face. "What.." He hissed and Adal slightly nodded. "Fuck." Quinn muttered and rubbed his forehead.
"I can't do this right now." Carrie told Saul and moved towards the door quickly. She felt herself becoming extremely anxious. "Carrie." She turned in the doorway and looked back at him, "That information is between you and I...I need you on this. I truly do. Make the right decision. Those people... they need you." With that, she left Saul standing there, her head spinning.
"Keep this to yourself. And do us all a favor and make your own decision on this, Peter...Make it right." Dar Adal told him and turned away as he saw Carrie emerge from the house.
She immediately walked to Quinn and quickly wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and he enveloped her body in his strong arms. She breathed hard into his shoulder and kissed his neck, trying to contain her emotions. He stroked her hair, kissing her head and left his hand on the back of her neck, pulling away to look at her, "You're ok?" He asked, knowing she was shaken up. She gently touched the cut on his forehead and quickly nodded her head, "Yea...yea I am ok." She looked down, fumbling her car keys in her hand and he took them gently from her, "I'll drive."
There was a tense air that hung over the drive back to Maggie's house. Quinn had his hand resting on Carrie's thigh as he drove and they had been mostly silent, caught up in their own thoughts. "I mean, how can they fucking do this to us?" She practically shouted, shaking her head furiously.
"Because they can. Because they think they own us." Quinn said softly, keeping his eyes on the road.
"No. That's bullshit, Quinn!" She yelled this time. "We can't go back... right? We're getting out, that was the deal...that's the promise you made!" Carrie blurted out desperately.
Quinn looked at her quickly, briefly taking his eyes off the road, "And the promise you made." He reminded her, his voice tense.
"Fuck, I don't know. Maybe this is just what we're cut out for." Carrie mumbled, looking out the window.
Quinn flashed her a quick look and removed his hand from her leg, pulling the car to the side of the road, stopping suddenly. Carrie looked at him, furrowing her brow, "What are you doing?"
"No, what the fuck are YOU doing, Carrie?" He hissed at her, turning his body to look at her directly. "Are you out of your fucking mind thinking you can get involved with this again? Go back over there? Leave your daughter?"
"Before you go attacking me, we both know you're thinking about it and don't you dare try to lie to me and say you're not!" She yelled back at him, her eyes cold. "Whatever Dar Adal said to you out there has you all screwed up? I can tell!"
"Yea and whatever Saul said has you fucked up as always!" Quinn yelled at her and immediately regretted it. She looked away from him and he looked down, sighing.
She stared out the window, taking in the silence between them. "How are we supposed to live a normal life knowing we could have prevented the loss of more of our people?"
He turned his body, looking directly at her, "The Embassy attacks. Saul told you." Quinn pieced it together, they had split them up as a semi-clever tactic to pull them back in.
Carrie furrowed her brow, "How did.." She paused, releasing her breath, "And Dar Adal told you." She shook her head and tilted her neck back, against the seat. Quinn swallowed hard and shifted his body forward again. He was angry and worries all at once and had an overwhelming urge to protect her.
"I don't know what to do here, Carrie...This is our job." He said quietly and pounding his hand into the steering wheel.
She felt tears forming in her eyes and pushed some hair behind her ear. "Yea, but we made a promise to each other too. I don't know if I can live with breaking that. I don't know if I can live with losing you again." Carrie didn't look at him, but stared out the car window into the darkness. She could feel his eyes on her and wanted to know so badly what he was thinking. He didn't know what else to say and started the car again, driving away. They spent the rest of the ride in complete silence. How were they going to choose each other over their country that they had sworn to serve and protect?
He pulled into Maggie's driveway and turned off the car. They sat in silence for a minute before Quinn got out, leaving her sitting there. Carrie followed and she walked towards the front door, before noticing he wasn't following her. "What are you doing?" She asked, giving him a confused look.
He put his hands in his pockets and slightly shrugged, "I don't know." He seemed lost and defeated and she walked back towards him. "It's the same cycle over and over again, Carrie. We were - are supposed to break it and I honestly don't know if we'll ever be able to."
"Quinn..." She said slowly and looked at him intently, reaching out to touch his arm that was still at his side. "We can break the cycle..together. We both know that eventually we can." He scoffed a bit, "Eventually..." He repeated, and she shook her head continuing, "We'd be lying if we said we both could ignore that are country needs us...what will happen if-"
He cut her off, "Just..." Quinn's words got caught in his throat and he swallowed, "Just stop...stop." He told her and looked at her, his eyes intense. "I need to think about this...and so do you." He told her and she knew he was going to leave.
Carrie knew he wouldn't disappear into the night and she also knew he was right. "Well I can't stop you.." She said quietly, frustration evident in her voice.
Quinn took his hands from his pockets and took her small hands in his. "Just remember that I love you, Carrie." He said softly and took her hands to his mouth, kissing them gently. Quinn held her gaze for a minute and then released her hands slowly, even though he felt her grip lingering. He gave her a small smile then turned, walking away into the darkness. They both had a long night of decisions ahead of them.
Carrie had spent majority of the night perched on the chair in Frannie's room, her legs tucked against her chest. Frannie hadn't stirred once and Carrie was a bit disappointed, gladly needing a distraction. She thought about the possible Embassy attacks and what she had gone back to in Islamabad. There was no way she could let that happen again, allow another Fara to die senselessly. How selfish could she be, she thought. Could she really leave her daughter again? Could she just leave Quinn behind and follow her gut? She felt as if her heart were splitting in two, along with her head. How was she supposed to make this decision?
Quinn sat in the lounge chair by the pool, in the dark. The light reflected off the water and he watched the insects dance across the surface. He didn't know where else to go and this spot either always cleared his head or practically drowned him. He knew he wanted a life with Carrie but didn't truly know if it were possible. He accepted that they would never really change and even if their hearts were with each other they would always be with their jobs too. But God, did he love her. He would do anything for her and that was dangerous for him. He made a vow to his country a long time ago, along to those who they recently lost in Islamabad. He had murdered Haqqani with just one shot and had taken countless beatings for what now felt like nothing. But this was his job. The only thing he was truly good at. How was he supposed to make this decision alone? Quinn held his cell phone and looked at Carrie's name on the screen. He waited a minute before calling her. He needed to hear her voice, hear what she was thinking... he needed to know.
Carrie's heart stopped when she saw her cell light up and Quinn's name appear on the screen. She stared at her phone and didn't touch it. Quinn listened to the wave of rings and shut his eyes. Carrie gently turned her phone over and placed it face down on the table next to the chair. She couldn't talk to him right now, she couldn't make his decision for him and he couldn't make hers. Quinn let the phone fall into his lap and he swallowed hard. He knew it was her way of saying 'figure it out.'
Light shone through Frannie's window but didn't wake her. Carrie had washed up, ran a brush through her hair and slipped into a dark navy blue suit. She stood over Frannie's crib, her hands planted in her pants pockets. She hoped that one day her daughter could understand that everything she did was for her. Carrie took a deep breath, "Bye baby girl, I'll be back." She whispered and softly left the room.
Carrie pulled up to Langley with 15 minutes to spare. She removed the keys from the ignition and breathed in and out a few times before checking her phone again. Quinn hadn't called or texted her since his one attempt a few hours before. She quickly looked in the mirror and her eyes were puffier than normal, visibly showing her lack of sleep. She slammed the mirror back and shut her eyes...she could do this. Carrie walked into Langley, passed through security, and took the long walk down the main hallway, waiting at the elevator alone.
"Carrie.." She spun around at the sound of his voice and locked on his eyes immediately. Quinn stood in front of her and put his hands in his pockets, walking towards her slowly. He stopped when there was a foot between them and held her stare. The elevator dinged and the doors opened, both of them ignoring it. She hadn't really expected him to be there and he had a feeling she would be. "So..." She said quietly, "Is this where you tell me to go fuck myself?" She asked him, folding her arms.
Quinn almost laughed at her and smiled slightly. "No. I knew you'd come." He told her and she shifted her weight, feeling uncomfortable knowing he knew her so well. "Carrie, I am here because I want to be here. I spent hours last night thinking about you, me, us..everything we've been through. And no matter how I looked at it, the reality is no matter how much we think we love each other, we will always love this more." Quinn took a breath and let her absorb his words. "This is our lives. This is what we chose. This is who we are...and nothing is ever going to change that." He told her gently, wanting her to fully understand that he had completely accepted this reality.
"Quinn, you WANT to get out. I knowyou do, you can't stand here in front of me and tell me you don't." She said desperately. "I am not going to let you follow me to the ends of the earth, so I don't get hurt, so I am not in danger...so I don't make shitty decisions! What kind of life is that?" She furrowed her brow, her arms unfolded and flailing a bit.
"It's not about you, Carrie. This is about us. It's about who WE are. I do want to get out - and so do you. There is a piece of us that always will...but who are we to live a false life? So we can be on edge every day of our lives wondering if one of us is going to leave or go back?" Quinn paused and shook his head, moving closer to her. "I am sorry, but I don't want that Carrie. I want us how we are. I want you, I want Frannie, I want a life together." She looked scared and he put his hand on her cheek, holding her face gently. "But I also want this...Can you live with that?"
Carrie stared back at him in almost disbelief of what he was saying. Every word was true and to her, he was the most perfect being alive to ever understand exactly what she needed and wanted. She felt tears in her eyes and she closed the gap between them, not caring who was there, and pulled his face to hers, kissing him softly. His heart practically melted when he felt her lips against his, what he hoped was her acceptance of him. She pulled back, their foreheads pressed together and she held still his face gently. "Yea, I can live with that." She told him and they both smiled slightly.
The elevator dinged open behind them and two agents walked off. Carrie and Quinn separated, looking at each other, before he nodded to her and they both stepped into the elevator. They turned to face the doors and stood closely, shoulder to shoulder, as they shut.
Quinn looked at her, "You ready?" He asked her, his heart beating fast, and he could barely believe they were about to embark on a new life together. Their type of life.
"I am now." Carrie looked back at him, feeling a fire in her heart and an overwhelming love for him. Just by looking at his eyes, she could see the adoration and love he had for her.
The elevator dinged one last time and they both looked straight ahead, as the doors opened. They stood still for a moment and then almost instinctively, reached for each other's hand, gripping them together tightly. Carrie and Quinn both took a breath and walked off the elevator towards Saul's office, not letting each other go.