Chapter 3
"Hi Minnie!"
Silence. The entire entry hall was perfectly quiet as they watched Professor McGonagall's face change colors. She looked torn between dying laughing and murdering Chazz.
"Mr. Logan, are you attempting to earn the fastest detention in Hogwarts history." She was beginning to lose her battle with laughter.
"No Professor. Why ever would you think that?" He grinned sweetly up at her, forcing as much puppy dog sadness into his eyes as possible.
She snorted. "Students, if you will follow me." Ignoring Chazz, she swept out of the room, her robes swirling around her. "Let the sorting ceremony commence."
"How do they sort us?" Harry whispered.
"I don't know, it doesn't say in 'Hogwarts a History" Hermione's eyebrows scrunched up. "You really think something like that would be important to include."
"Fred and George told me we have to fight a troll. I think they were lying." Ron gulped. "I HOPE they were lying."
Chazz chuckled at the image of eleven year-old's fighting a troll. "How would that help sort you? Gryffindor if you win? Ravenclaw if you actually have a plan, Slytherin if you throw a Gryffindor in front of you, and Hufflepuff if you try to make friends with it and end up getting squished?"
Hermione looked torn between laughing and yelling. Chazz was good at eliciting conflicting emotions in people. "That's just mean."
"Kinda true tho' Puffs are kinda…odd" Ron said
Chazz nodded. "I have a theory that Hufflepuff is actually just the house of Default, where anyone who doesn't fit in any of the other three houses is shuffled into. I mean the other option is that Hufflepuff is really the house of loyalty and friendship which is just plain dangerous, I mean you have an entire house of minions and that's just a bad idea. Makes you wonder why any dark lord would ever recruit from Slytherin, I mean they will just backstab you. If I was a dark lord I would recruit Puff's, their house motto is loyalty for gosh sakes." Chazz paused in his rant. "You know, I think I will add that to the list."
Those within earshot either were laughing or had a much panicked expression on their faces.
"List?" Hermione choked out.
"Yeah. The evil overlord's list. Wizard edition." Chazz stated like it was the most normal thing in the world.
"You aren't like actually evil like, right mate?" Ron looked oddly pale causing his freckles to stand out even more.
"Course not" Chazz laughed.
Hermione grinned. "It's a muggle thing. In a ton of our fiction, there is an 'Evil Overlord' archetype, they tend to be super powerful and tend to get brought down more often than not by stupid mistakes. It's become part of pop culture to mock them and have a list of what a non-dumb 'Overlord' would do."
Chazz grinned back. "TV tropes?"
Hermione blushed. "I'm a nerd okay."
Ron looked incredibly lost.
They looked around at the new gigantic room that they were in. The great hall was stunningly beautiful, the ceiling showing a gorgeous representation of the night sky, while candles floated in midair. They didn't look like any wax could fall as they seemed to not be melting. Chazz desperately hoped not anyway hot wax was not a pleasant thing to have drip on you. Not even close.
"The ceiling is charmed to look like the sky outside, it was done by Rowena Ravenclaw herself. I read about it in-" Hermione stared up in breathless wonder.
"Hogwarts a History, Chapter four page three paragraph two." Chazz finished for her.
"Wrong. Chapter for page three paragraph four and five. There's a reference to the thunder charms a few lines down." Hermione's smile had a hint of wickedness to it as she corrected him.
"Bloody hell Harry, we are screwed if we hang out with these book worms, we won't get away with skiving of on anything." Ron groaned.
"-place the sorting hat on your head." McGonagall finished some speech the four had ignored.
"A hat? I'm going to murder my brothers." Ron shot an angry look at the redheaded twins Chazz could only assume were Fred and George.
The hat was perched on a rather rickety stool. It itself was a horrible looking mongrel of a hat, mangy and patched. A long tear opened and it began to sing. It was not a pretty song nor appearing to be in any particular key.
Oh you may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll eat myself if you can find
A smarter hat than me.
You can keep your bowlers black,
Your top hats sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
And I can cap them all.
There's nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on andI will tell you
Where you ought to be.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
if you've a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folks use any means
To achieve their ends.
So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And don't get in a flap!
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
For I'm a Thinking Cap!
"That was awful." Hermione whispered. The room burst into a roar of applause. "Just awful. Are all wizards tone deaf or something?"
Chazz on the other hand was quite palid. "There's nothing hidden in your head the sorting hat can't see. Bugger me. The hat is a freaking mind reader. That's just not right."
"Hannah, Abbot" McGonagall's stern voice rang out.
A meek little girl with curly, though hardly Hermione levels, brown hair approached the hat.
"House of minions. Calling it now." Chazz grinned, earning him an elbow in the ribs from Hermione for his troubles.
"That's not very nice!"
"Hufflepuff!" The hat screamed.
"So called it!" Chazz clapped, his suspicion confirmed.
Hermione grimaced. "Still not nice."
Students were called up to the hat one after another while Chazz carefully noted where each student was sorted. He had yet to decide which house he wanted.
Harry Potter went to Gryffindor. No surprise there, the boy had killed a darklord before age two. Ron followed him, as surprisingly did Hermione.
She mouthed, "Hope you get Gryffindor" a him as she ran to the sea of crimson and or.
"Charles, Logan." McGonagall called.
"It's Chazz." He said numbly as he approached the hat. He didn't particularly want the damn thing reading his mind, however it seemed like he had no other option. He sat on the stool and waited till the hat was set upon his head.
"Ick, probably has lice." He muttered.
"I do NOT have lice." A gravely voice not Chazz's own filled his head. "I am a powerful magical artifact not a simple hat i-"
"You have anti lice charms?" Chazz would have to look into those, they would make a killing in the normal world. As long as he didn't go public he could pretend it was some advanced chemical and…this could wait.
"Its not that simple…" Chazz could hear the hat give a long mental sigh. "Fine, I have anti lice charms. No I won't teach you them." Chazz felt the hat ruffle through his memories and bristled at the sensation.
"Oh my." The hat whispered. "This is a very hard one, you see normally I just sort you children into which ever house you fit best. Sometimes I have to sort some individuals into houses that may not fit them but will aid them on the path to greatness. You…you, I do believe I have to sort to minimize the damage you will do to the world."
"I solemnly swear to not attempt to conquer the world during my stay at Hogwarts." Chazz grinned mentally. 'I will succeed' he thought.
"Slytherin would be a disaster, aside from the fact that they would hardly tolerate a muggle-born, affording you access to an entire house of snakes would be a poor choice."
"I concur. I would hardly want someone with ambition for a trusted luitenent. That's item 132 on the evil overlord list." Chazz ignored the hat's growing rage.
"Ravenclaw might temper your particular brand of insanity, yet the pursuit of knowledge can be oh so dangerous." The hat seemed to have the sentient headwear equivalent of a splitting migraine. "Hufflepuff would be just…bad."
"Oh minion house, that could work great." Chazz had visons of palm branches and grapes.
"I must disagree." The hat attempted to stop laughing. "Gryffindor. A bunch of foolhardy lions would hardly give your machinations any form of self-control. I am at a loss"
Chazz paused. "How bout Gryffindor. I like red."
"You picked your house because a slight preference on color? You are mad Charles Logan."
The hat cried out "GRYFFINDOR" to a roar of applause and what sounded oddly like "This is going to be a long seven years." From professor McGonagall.