Two weeks. Just two weeks of safety left, until he would have to face her again. And say goodbye.

Cal sat, the fire dying, staring blankly, still a little drunk. In the beginning, he had soothed his nerves with copious amounts of alcohol, but now, he chose to be sober. Alcohol did not help in the slightest; in fact, it only made his torment worse. He had not slept for two nights in a row, and he could not bring himself to, for he only dreamed of her. He only hoped the alcohol he had consumed would quickly be out of his system.

He already felt his heart dying, and himself withering away.

His clothes were wrinkled, his hair was tousled and his eyes bloodshot, bleary from lack of sleep.

The business aspect of the trip had been fine. Yet he had gone through it almost woodenly, solemn. The others couldn't have known the real torment he was going through, however. Nobody could, except him…And certainly not her, all those miles away.

Thinking of her again, as he had so many times this trip, as usual, his heart began to pound, and he felt faint. He was starving for her…he needed her like air, and he knew that his hunger and desire for her would never be met, to his despair.

Was it possible to want someone so much, only death could stop the pain?

Taking a deep breath, he glanced, again, at the letter he had been trying to write for the last hour. Somehow, maybe if this letter reached her before he did, she would not be so brutal. Maybe she would understand…

Yet every single attempt so far had made him sound so stupid…so foolish. She would laugh…

Rose,

There are so many things I would love to say to you…confess to you…have always longed to…but at the moment, as I picture you, all other words fail me. So, I will simply say what I have always felt…I love you.

Rose,

You may be wondering why I have been gone so long…or, I am sure, celebrating my absence. But, as curious a woman as you are, I just know you are wondering, either way, why I left so abruptly. And the honest answer is because of you

Rose,

This whole entire trip, I have not been thinking of business, or stocks. Some days I hardly think at all, honestly. Except about you. Your laugh, your beautiful smile, your sarcasm, adventurous spirit. Insults towards me. I could go on…but not a day goes by that I don't remember how we parted

Again and again he struggled, until finally, the words flowed out of him.

Rose,

This is what I have always longed to say, but could never communicate to you. Simply put, I love you. You are the most beautiful woman, inside and out, to ever grace this earth. I know you will not believe me…do not feel the same…but I have always loved you, since the day we met. There is not enough paper in the world to enumerate everything I feel towards you, but despite your feelings towards me, my love and desire only grows every day. Our night together was the best night of my life, like something from only a dream, or a book. In fact it half makes me think I am dying and just don't know it yet, because how else could such a miracle happen, if not for that? Not a day, night, goes by in this lonely, dreary hotel that I do not think of you…dream about you…long to repeat that night forever. But I am forced to accept, however brokenly, that it will never happen again, and so I will feed on that memory forever.

I simply wanted to say that I am more sorry than words could ever express for everything I did to you on Titanic, and how I acted…and for everything I also did to Dawson. It was inexcusable and wretched and I know that I was every bit the monster then you see me as now…have always seen me as. But I do hope you can understand, just a bit, why I did all of it. I am not making excuses…not excusing myself…not placing blame where it should not be placed…but growing up, as I did, being abused ever since the moment I could walk, I suppose, in a way, I learned it, however unwillingly and subconsciously. I never thought I was like my father…but I did become him on that trip, and I will never forget, nor forgive myself for that.

The worst part of it all is, of course, that I lost you. In fact, it still seems my heart is still in pieces. Such pain I would never wish even on my worst enemy…And discovering you were still alive made me happier than words could express. I know full well you consider me a monster…but I truly felt out of it during Titanic. And the sinking. Again, I know full well what I did was inexcusable, yet I hope you can understand… You have to understand that you can be such a cruel woman, Rose. And our entire engagement you were always like that to me…to others, too, for the situation, but to me it seems that I always received the worst of your continual hatred and disdain. I never, ever intended to become a monster, or control you, or make you miserable. I simply wanted you to love me back, give me a fair chance to prove myself, and give me opportunity to show you that yes, even I could give you adventure and freedom. In first-class, no less. I wanted to show you my real personality, one that was rather adventurous and lenient and yes, loving. I wanted you to see that I wasn't an egotistical first-class robot…I wanted you to see that I was daring, adventurous, fun-loving and interesting…and that I could be the man to fulfill your every need in life.

On top of all of that, I also wanted you to see that I could be the man you could come to with all of your dreams, thoughts and troubles, the one whose shoulder you could cry on, the one who could kiss you and make all your worries disappear, and the one that could make you feel more happy and alive and in love than you could ever have imagined you could ever be in first-class…I wanted you to see that I was also the one who loved you more than he'd ever loved any woman before in his life.

God only knows why, but I do love you, Rose. I always have, and always will. Even through all of that. The fact that you never treated me with any warmth or kindness hurt me, and eventually it grated on me when Dawson entered the picture. I'll admit I was jealous…angry…arrogant…but most of all, I was hurt. My heart simply broke when you chose him over me, and when it was clear I had lost you, all of that pain and desperation manifested and I snapped. I never meant to do any of those terrible things, and I wish I could take them all back. But what is done is done and so all I can do is, say with all honesty, I will never become that man again… I was never truly him anyway. Believe it or not. I must confess, though, that in fact I fear I would have acted the same way even if it had been another man from first-class… I am not proud of it, but I am only human. But I will only repeat what I said earlier, from the bottom of my heart… what is done is done and so all I can do is, say with all honesty, I will never become that man again…I was never really him anyway.

And when I thought I had lost you a second time, just as painful as the first time, I felt dead. Life was not worth living without you. I also had resolved never to marry, for no other woman could ever take your place. You were the only woman I ever wanted to marry, and I would rather have spent my life miserable and forever in love with you than married to any other woman, to any other seventeen-year old…even if she were just like you. Finding you again brought me out of the darkness I had been in since I thought you had died, and it made me believe that maybe, just maybe, miracles exist.

And you may think me crazy…insane…but I do love you. Adore you. Your personality and mind forever intrigues me, surprises me, and keeps me entertained, and even your sarcasm and insults can never fail to make me laugh. You may not believe me, but I've always valued intellect in a woman, and you fit that bill perfectly. Along with your intelligence, something I love, I also love your adventurous spirit. Life with you is certainly never dull, and I'd happily travel the earth with you. We are more alike, I think, than you care to admit. But moreover, when you actually open up and talk to me, that is when I find I'm more in love with you than ever. I simply find you such a fascinating young woman, Rose. I find I could happily talk to you for hours, even if those very same hours were spent with you insulting me. And those rare, rare fleeting moments when you do treat me with kindness…tenderness…those moments make me feel as though I am the luckiest man on earth. And of course, your beauty is one of a kind. You are a goddess among women, and you never fail to make my heart race, what with your divinely beautiful, almost otherworldly face and smile, gorgeous red hair, angelic skin that never fails to make you look even more adorable than usual when I make you blush, and perfect body…And not to mention those beautiful blue eyes… I could happily kiss you and embrace you and make love to you forever, if it were possible. In fact, I do wish I could do all of those things, both with you and to you, forever, but again, that would be too good to be true. But simply put, you're an angel, both inside and out, and even the sound of your voice, and even your laugh, makes me love you and want you even more.

So. I finally said all of it. If you even managed to read all of this and aren't halfway out the door right now screaming in terror, I applaud you. But most of all, I cannot say this enough…I know this letter didn't answer all of your questions or maybe not why I left, but…I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I can only hope that you will not be so very hard on me when you eventually leave…which I know is inevitable. I wish you the very best in life, Rose, and I know that you will be a great success at whatever you choose to do…you will be the best actress America has ever known. Your only flaw, though, I'd say, is your taste in art. I could help you learn to like better artists…but in any case, all jokes aside, I do love you Rose. Now that I can finally say it, I never want to stop. I do love you and want only the most wonderful life for you, even though it will never include me. And I will always be your most humble and ever-eager servant should you ever need anything.

Cal

There. That…that was perfect. Yet…at the thought of actually sending it…he paused. Why, she would leave without even a goodbye if he sent this…and foolishly he still wanted one, though it would be bitter.

Carefully folding the letter up, he put it in his briefcase.

Standing up, he walked into the bathroom, and then over to the mirror. His handsome reflection looked beaten and battered, and he knew how miserable he looked.

Tousling his hair, for one brief moment, as he looked again at his appearance, he had only one thought.

Why didn't she love him?

Eyes somewhat glazing over, his reflection disappeared, and instead, he saw her, smiling and laughing.

She was so beautiful…and so out of his reach.

Yet…almost half-mad, in his delirium, he happily would have dived, headfirst, through the mirror…she was on the other side…all he had to do was…

He was so tired, and so very out of reality, that he almost did…

Yet common sense stopped him, at the very last minute.

Instead, swaying, finally, he punched the glass, hating the sight of himself.

The glass shattered, cutting his hand, yet he did not care. He could feel the blood pooling out.

Finally, crumpling to the floor, he finally passed out, relieved from the torment for at least a little while.