A lengthy update again, it just wouldn't divide properly. No reason you need to read it in one go though, just because I couldn't bring myself to break it into two, lol.
Its Ugly Head
They didn't have a Spa Day after all. The next week became increasingly difficult for Kate. Caroline noticed a gradual increase in irritability; the furrow between Kate's brows seemed to disappear only when she nursed Callie. Her interest in life had flagged and efforts to include her in activities and conversation resulted in annoyance and the likelihood that Kate would find her way into another room. At the suggestion that she make an appointment to see Dr. Simmons Kate had balked saying that it was unnecessary, she was only tired.
Caroline consulted Edie who made a point of coming by to see Kate. She confirmed Caroline's fears that depression seemed to be playing a role even though it was not at all to the degree she had seen in her daughter before. She agreed that seeing Dr. Simmons would be advisable but had been no more successful at convincing Kate than Caroline had been.
By the end of the week with all symptoms worsening, Caroline had simply made the first appointment available for Kate to see Dr. Simmons. It was for Monday afternoon. She arranged to take the day off from work because she was increasingly concerned about Kate. She told Kate on Friday evening that she had made the appointment but received no response. The weekend was tense for all of them with Caroline and Laurence trying their best not to annoy Kate.
After seeing Laurence out the door this morning, to be driven to school by Felicity, Caroline had gone to find Kate in the baby's room. She'd just finished nursing Callie and was putting her to sleep in her cot. Standing beside Kate who was patting the baby soothingly she put an arm around her as they both watched the long dark lashes trying not to fall. Resting her head on Kate's shoulder, "She's so beautiful, isn't she?"
Kate shrugged away from Caroline and after drawing up the blanket to cover the baby walked out of the room. Caroline was hurt anew but she followed Kate into their bedroom. Seeing that she was preparing to go back to bed Caroline stepped in front of her before she could remove her wrapper. "The tea is still hot, Kate, why don't you come and have a cup with me. I'll make some fresh toast for you."
Moving away to allow space to shed the wrapper, "I don't want anything, I tired. I'm going to rest."
"You need to eat, Kate. You can't continue to breastfeed Callie without a proper diet." Caroline had moved with Kate preventing her from disrobing.
"Caroline, I don't know what you are doing here today anyway. Just go to school. This doesn't affect you. Go on back to your uninterrupted perfect life."
As Kate began to move away Caroline once again tracked with her, "What is that supposed to mean?"
Caroline watched the cold hard look come over Kate's face. The one she had hoped never to see directed at her again.
"It means, Caroline," said Kate bitingly, "that it is all just a lark for you. It isn't you that spent three weeks in bed alone before she was born, it isn't your body all out of shape and sore, it isn't your breasts achy and leaking milk all over your clothes until your afraid to go out of the house. No, for you it's all, 'isn't she lovely' and dressing in your smart clothes and racing up and down stairs and going to work like always." Exasperated Kate heaved a loud sigh and because Caroline was between her and the bed headed out the door.
Caroline was still for a moment. She remembered that feeling after the boys were born. She'd felt like she was getting all the difficulties and John was getting all the fun. Since Callie had been born she had tried to help as much as she could but with Kate breastfeeding there was only so much she could do. She still felt guilty because she did understand Kate's feelings.
Following Kate to find her stationed in front of the great windows, arms crossed, surveying the view. "I remember feeling much the same after the boys were born. John got all the fun bits and I got all the work." Placating, "I have tried to be helpful. Is there something else you'd like me to do?"
Kate whirled, sarcasm dripping from her voice, "Of course you have, you are perfect after all." Mockingly, "The perfect Dr. Caroline Elliot." Saying this Kate met Caroline's eyes for the first time today.
Standing toe to toe, incensed, Caroline confronted her, "All right, Kate!" She was particularly irked that Kate had omitted her married name, McKenzie-Elliot. Moving her face to track with Kate's, forcing her to maintain eye contact, "Nothing I do pleases you. What exactly is the problem?"
Looking away again, "Nothing." Sighing heavily, "Everything." Then, "Just another day of you being the martyr for putting up with me. Another day of you patronizing me."
This was new, this willingness to engage. Increasingly Kate had been prone to stubborn silence, avoiding Caroline's eyes most of the time, her touch all of the time. Patience was wearing thin for coaxing and cajoling Kate into eating, into conversation, out of her lethargy.
Still facing Kate, "Patronizing you!? I've been-"
Glaring at Caroline, "been a royal pain in the arse, with your sanctimonious face. Whirling away, "Alright. Fine. You're a better mother than I am. Satisfied? Now you can stop throwing it at my head."
Caroline was stunned, unsure whether Kate's change in temperament was a good development or not.
Remembering the talk she and Kate had had as they'd reconciled she recalled Kate telling her that during her depressions after the miscarriages, Richard had been so patient with her no matter how hurtful she had been to him. How that had only infuriated her more. It occurred to her that maybe treating Kate with kid gloves was not the right tactic.
Starting after her as she paces away, "Kate, I don't think any such…"
Kate whirled again and collided with a following Caroline, "You didn't even want her," Kate accused. "Now you act like you're her Mum." Arms at her side, slightly back, Kate walked into Caroline again bumping her back, provoking her, itching for a fight.
More than a little shocked, before she could recover, Caroline found herself being bumped yet again. "She's mine. I'm the one who had four miscarriages to get to her." Bump. "I'm the one who longed for her, dreamed of her, planned how to get her." Bump. Now intentionally hurtful, "Took Greg into my bed to get her." Standing tall, watching pain spread over the target face.
Caroline grew angrier with every bump, incensed at this treatment. In her whole life no one had ever treated her this way. Surprised at her own willingness to participate in this contest, she had been ready to react in kind when the image of Greg in Kate's bed brought her up short.
Before she could formulate a retort, Kate continued, head lowered, her face very close, she growled through gritted teeth, "I'm so angry with you Caroline, I can barely stand to be in my own skin right now." Pushing her roughly back by the shoulders this time, "And look at you. You're so god dammed beautiful I can't take my eyes off of you."
If Caroline had learned anything this past year it was that the worst thing she could do would be to turn away from Kate's anger. The last time she had let that anger stop her it had cost them both months of anguish. Between Kate's irritability, her withdrawal and now, being physically pushed, Caroline had reached a limit. Aware that she was almost backed to the wall she regained her balance and pushed back at Kate with her own body. She was surprised to find Kate immovable, feet planted, weight forward, her height just enough advantage that Caroline didn't budge her. She saw the smug satisfaction on the cold face staring her down.
Annoyed by her failure to move Kate and recognizing now her own awakening at this physicality. Stomach to stomach, breast to breast she leaned against Kate's taller frame and extending her neck to get as close as she could into the scowling face she challenged, "You certainly seem to have managed just fine lately, not looking at me, not letting me touch you all week."
Never able to resist this face when it was reaching up into hers, Kate's hands grabbed encroaching shoulders into a bruising grip and pulled her higher, kissing her roughly. Caroline, fully riled now, met Kate's intensity beat for beat. Rising onto her toes, hands gripping Kate's ribcage, she gave as good as she got. Finally, for lack of oxygen, they broke apart, glaring at one another, panting.
Still holding Caroline by the shoulders, Kate pushed her to arms length, eyes dropping against her will to drink in Caroline's flushed skin, alive with freckles, breasts heaving, legs gorgeous, even encased in muslin. She took in Caroline's stance, feet slightly apart, one foot forward for balance, ready to defend herself. Kate's lust took over, she pushed Caroline against the wall and bending at the knees pressed her inflamed self against the length of this body whose tidal pull was as strong as ever, resuming the interrupted kiss that was still more of a contest for supremacy than anything else.
Caroline's hands had moved to Kate's shoulder blades, pulling her in as her kiss pushed her away. Her need for Kate was great after weeks of sexual deprivation due to pregnancy and childbirth plus the emotional deprivation of Kate's phantom presence recently.
Kate's breath failed first, her face sliding against Caroline's as cheek-to-cheek their faces battled on for a time. When her lungs would allow her to speak Kate pulled back, her fierce glare meeting the flinty blue eyes glinting back greedily and spat out furiously, "I don't want to want you. I don't want to need you this much. Eyes black with fury and desire, again roaming over disheveled blonde hair, the contour of cheek, the slender throat, on to the luscious swell of breasts just visible above the parting of Caroline's robe.
Caroline wasn't sure that this was the best jumping off point to having sex. She'd occasionally read such scenes in a book but in real life it didn't seem advisable, no matter that oddly, desire had risen in her too. Kate had barely spoken to her in over a week, she was afraid of losing that verbal engagement. Nothing Kate had told her yet would cause her to behave the way she had been doing. Caroline took Kate's face between her hands, also having the effect of distancing their bodies a bit. "Talk to me Kate. Tell me what is happening with you. If it was just annoyance at my behavior you would have told me so before now." Gently, "I can see the pain in your eyes, what is it?"
Having allowed herself contact with Caroline again, Kate found her emotions warring. The mystic pull of Caroline on her psyche pitted itself against the old darkness that threatened her. The pain and sorrow that she had tried so hard to keep from touching her newfound happiness. She had failed at that as she had failed for so many years to carry a baby to term. She had battled the darkness so long. With help from Dr. Simmons she thought it had been put away, now here it was again ruining the fulfillment of her dream for a healthy baby carried full term. She was so tired. Tired of the density of darkness that sucked the light out of all that was good in her life. It didn't seem fair to put that on Caroline but then she already had, hadn't she?
Caroline watched as the desire on Kate's face was replaced by sadness then the pain that hadn't gone away, only been covered by anger, visibly deepened and intensified, become dominant. She hoped that she would be equal to providing what Kate needed.
Her hips still pressed Caroline against the wall even though she leaned back from the waist to see her and to allow caressing fingers to smooth the hair from her face. Tears in her eyes, Kate whispered, "The babies.
Caroline nodded, watching the miasma of grief for a baby surrendered, and babies lost well up into eyes, black with pain.
"They are here whenever I see Callie." Her face contorted, swallowing hard to be able to continue, "I never saw them, you know. Never even got to hold them. Two were boys; three girls, that's all I know." Kate's eyes were far away, remembering, imagining. "I never got to see them grow up." Meeting Caroline's eyes, "The oldest would be 23 now. Older than William." Smiling grimly, "A boy. I'd like to think they would have been friends. William is such a dear. How could they not be?"
Kate had clearly been thinking about this. Tears welled in Caroline's eyes as she too pictured their grown up babies being friends.
"I thought that having a baby to hold and mother would put all of that to rest but it hasn't. They are still here, haunting me. Haunting us." Sobbing now, "I'm sorry Caroline, I tried to stop it happening but I couldn't. I never wanted to inflict this on you."
Raising her cheek to Kate's Caroline pulled her close, as tightly as she could, arms around her shoulders, a hand coming up to cup the back of Kate's head protectively. "We're in this together now, you know. You don't have to do this on your own. I'm here for you. Please don't shut me out any more. I can stand anything but that, Kate." Rocking them, a sob in her voice now, "anything but that."
Clinging to Caroline, fear becoming dominant now, "I don't know if I can be enough, a good enough mother for her, Caroline. Now that she is here."
"Oh Kate, you are a good mother. I see you with her and already you are so good with her. You're beautiful together. It's you she quiets to. She's thriving, trust yourself, you're a wonderful mother."
On her toes as she needed to be to reach her cheek to Kate's Caroline turned her face to kiss Kate's cheek and found that they were kissing. Kate's hungry kisses broken by sobs, as the rush of that dammed channel burst open within her under the pressure of their love.
Bodies so long denied pressed urgently against one another. Sobs subsided into frantic mouths seeking and responding, hands running to clasp, to cup, to gain purchase for the pulsing of their bodies on one another. Until frenzied fingers found their way inside of minimal clothing to complete the circuit of comfort they desperately needed from one another.
After Kate's orgasm she collapsed into Caroline, emotions flowing, she sobbed out the grief and fear that had been building inside her. Her weight carried them downward, Caroline awkwardly lowering Kate to the floor unable to hold her up. Gathering her in. "That's right, let it out. Don't hold it in anymore." Assuring her fiercely, "If it has to be carried we'll carry it together. If there is a way to make it lighter, we'll find it." Stroking her hair and kissing her face, "Cry it out, My Brown Eyed Girl, cry it out." Caroline cradled to her breast the most precious being in the world, murmuring softly into her ear, "I love you, Kate. I love you so much."
Emotions finally calming, Kate began to shiver and Caroline straightened the clothing on her body. Looking around for something to pull over her beloved she found nothing within reach. Kissing Kate's eyes she asked, "Are you alright?"
Nodding, "Just cold."
"Come on, lets shower before Callie wakes again." Helping one another to their feet, "Then I'll make you something to eat."
Residuals
Caroline stood running her hands through Kate's hair as she sat at her dressing table. "I love the blackness of your hair. It's so dark that it should absorb all the light and yet is has such a lovely sheen, almost like a light of its own.
Kate wanted to close her eyes to the sensation of gentle fingers in her hair but the sight of Caroline dressed as Dr. Elliot touching her this intimately while saying tender things to her, things that only Caroline would say held her attention. "You've never said that before."
Enjoying the moment of closeness, "Haven't I?" Then meeting Kate's eyes in the mirror, smiling, "I've told you how beautiful you are."
Kate's smile acknowledging this, "But not that, about my hair."
Caroline shrugged one shoulder, "In so many ways its still early days for us, isn't it?" Going on as Kate's eyes did fall closed now to her fingers continued stroking through the admired tresses, "Lovely as parts of last spring were," smiling to herself, "all the bits where we actually managed to connect, there wasn't much time for just being together like this. We haven't been back together for six months yet. With all that's happened since Christmas there hasn't been a lot of time."
"Mmmm. Life does seem to reach warp speed whenever I'm with you, Caroline."
Her hands slowing, "Ready to disembark?"
Eyes slammed open, reaching for Caroline's wrists, pulling them down, pulling Caroline in to lean against her, "NO. I love you Caroline. I know I haven't said that lately but I do." Crossing their arms now to draw Caroline closer still, Kate's voice intense, "I love you so much Caroline, and I say the most awful, hurtful things to you." Eyes welling at the memory, "I've used what happened with Greg to hurt you again." Contritely, "I don't know what comes over me, Caroline. Whenever I get into a state, I lash out and say terrible things to you. The person I love the most."
Leaning against Kate, allowing herself to be held there, "It's what we human beings do isn't it? Hurt the ones we love? Well, who else do we have the power to hurt?"
Curious, "Why do you let me get away with it? You didn't come back at me."
Shrugging as she straightens, taking back her hands to gather Kate's hair to the nape of her neck, "You're vulnerable right now. There are more important things to address." Eyes on Kate's hair and her fingers in it, "Besides, that's what I do isn't it? Absorb the vitriol and try to neutralize it. Its what I've always done."
"Your parents."
Twisting Kate's hair into a trial coif and surveying the effect, "Yes, and John. It's not a small part of what I do at school, take everyone's upsets and problems and set them right."
Quietly, "And who sets things right for you Caroline?"
Deciding against that style she combs it out with her fingers, "Oh, when everything is going well, then its alright for me too, isn't it?"
There had been a time when Kate thought Caroline lacked courage, mostly because she hadn't dealt with her change in sexual identity as rapidly as she'd wanted her to. Later she'd come to realize that Caroline's brand of courage had been developed to address the emotional adversities of her life while her own had necessarily been concerned with external perceptions and threats.
The unhappiness of Caroline's childhood home had taught her to endure whatever came her way with fortitude. An old fashioned word that perfectly described Caroline's courage. Even when she'd deliberately said hurtful things to Caroline she'd never asked for quarter, she just took it. As if she had to. One of the internal vows Kate had made to herself when she'd committed to her love for Caroline was that she'd never again deliberately attack Caroline emotionally, knowing now she'd only absorb it and add it to the load she already carried so valiantly.
Already she'd broken that vow. It added to her distress but she fought that down, trying to understand Caroline. Watching her in the mirror, "Is it, Caroline? What do you do with your hurts, your pain?"
Looking up with a smile, "You've helped me Kate. I can talk to you now. You've made me very happy. Nothing is quite as hurtful anymore."
Ashamed, "Until I hurt you deliberately."
Her hands stilled and she held Kate's gaze in her reflection, "That isn't you, Kate. That was the depression you are fighting. I can see you fighting it. Sometimes it just gets to be too much for you. Maybe Dr. Simmons can help." She saw the apology in Kate's eyes, smiled her understanding and returned to her task.
Following her prior line of thought, "What about before?"
Folding black tresses in upon themselves, "Deal with things the best I could, like everyone else, I suppose. Try not to let it hurt anyone else."
Still watching the face that Caroline kept deliberately bland, "Only you. They still hurt you though."
"I don't dwell on it."
Turning on the bench, pulling Caroline onto her lap, "Caroline, I don't want you to do that with me. If we are going to continue to be good together we can't let the hurtful things accumulate. I need you to call me on it. Even at the best of times I need your interest to give me permission to tell you things. Things that maybe you should know. When I get like this its going to be up to you to get me to talk. Even if it makes me cross. It'll be better done sooner than later. I need you to know that. Otherwise I'm afraid it will eventually poison us.
"I see." Caroline searched Kate's earnest face as she thought back over the week just past and what she might have done differently. Wondering if it would have prevented them getting to the point they'd reached this morning.
Nodding, "I'm sorry about this morning. I only said it because I was so angry. I get afraid and it comes out as anger. Anger I seem prone to direct at you. I am sorry."
"So, how do you really feel about me and Callie?"
I really have been feeling inadequate about mothering. It's overwhelming, all there is to do and remember and what if she gets sick and I miss the signs and something goes wrong." Stopping to look at Caroline, "And you're so bloody good at it. So confident and relaxed with her… and it made me feel… less than I should be,"
"Oh, Kate, its only because I've done it before. Even at that its scary, daunting really."
"Really? Is that really how you feel?"
"Of course. Caring for an infant is a delicate business, we should be a little scared. It makes us better parents."
Smiling, "You shouldn't feel bad, you're doing marvelously." Leaning down Caroline tenderly kissed Kate's upraised lips. Resolutely rising she took Kate's shoulders and turned her back to the mirror. "May I put up your hair?"
Kate nodded, smiling through the mirror into Caroline's eyes. Then sobering, "Before we leave this topic, how are you feeling now about Greg?"
Eyes on her task, "How do you mean?"
"What I said to you this morning, that I took him into my bed to get Callie." Trying to turn in her seat to look at Caroline, she was halted by firm hands on her shoulders.
"Sit still Kate." She didn't want to look at Kate. Couldn't look at Kate while she thought about that. Finally, she said softly, belying the intense emotion she felt, "I never wanted him to have you. From the first moment you said the words, 'we could just do it', everything in me rebelled against that. I, um… Well, we were so new then and it felt like I was being replaced. Found wanting. Not enough. I couldn't give you what you wanted, what you needed. You had to shop elsewhere for that."
Kate could see the pained face in the mirror. She knew Caroline was processing her feelings, her thoughts and what she would say next. She wasn't finished and Kate wouldn't have known what to say just now anyway, so she waited.
"I was struggling to face my new identity on top of the joys and rigors of a new relationship. Even without all the rest of it, divorcing John and my mother's reaction to us, that alone was no small thing for me. If I'm honest, Kate, introducing the topic of a baby and your plan for accomplishing that couldn't have come at a worse time for me. I think the ambiguities of that process played a role in my inability to book a double room for us at the hotel and triggered our breakdown."
Continuing to pin Kate's hair into place, addressing Kate but speaking softly almost as if to herself, "Your decision to go ahead with the plan only confirmed what I felt that day on the playing field and later when we discussed meeting Greg. I wasn't enough for you. I hadn't been enough for John, now I wasn't enough for you. Clearly I was inadequate." Smiling ruefully at Kate, "So, you see, I do know something about feelings of inadequacy."
Musing on, "No point in chasing after you that morning at the hotel, trying to argue you out of it. It was a fact. I was inadequate. Just as I'd always been inadequate to the task of forming a family with my parents." The hairdo complete she rested her hands on Kate's shoulders.
Their eyes met in the mirror, the soul baring had drawn Caroline's brows together hooding her eyes and Kate was stricken. "Dear God, what have I done to you, Caroline?" Kate stood abruptly, circling the bench to stand before Caroline, feeling unworthy to touch her, "I'm so sorry for hurting you, for my selfishness."
Smiling grimly, "I know you are. It doesn't matter." Turning away to place the comb on the table, Kate took her by the shoulders, turning her back.
"Yes, Caroline it does matter. It matters to our ability to have a healthy relationship. We can't just sweep these things under the carpet. How can you stay so calm?"
"Would you feel better if I ranted and railed? What good would that do?
"Have you really put Greg behind you?"
"I decided in December to put it behind me. I'm not sure what else I can do."
"What if Greg came to visit?"
Looking up sharply, "What do you mean?"
Guiltily, "I had an email from him. Just Friday." Looking apologetic, "I haven't been in the mood to talk before. He's been working out of the country since July. His contract is up in June. He said he would like to come by and see the baby if it wouldn't cause a problem. He's just curious."
"And to see you. To see the baby and to see you. You didn't say that part."
"Of course, to see all of us."
"It isn't me he wants to see, Kate." Watching her intently, "Have you been emailing?"
"I told you we did off and on last year when you and I were apart. In January when the next message came through I told him that you and I were together again and that it might be best if we didn't email for a while. And he honored that until now. Naturally, he's wondering about the birth, how we are doing."
Voice void of feeling, "Naturally."
"Caroline, there really is nothing between us but an old friendship. We rarely communicated for years, even more rarely saw one another. He doesn't have designs on Callie. He told me so. He just thought he'd like to see her if it wouldn't be a problem. If you don't want him to come here, I'll just tell him no."
Subdued, "Do we need to decide this right now, Kate?"
Feeling as though the channel of connection between them had narrowed, "No, of course not."
"I don't mean to be difficult, Kate. Or dramatic, I just…" Pulling on the jacket she had selected for her ensemble, then looking back at Kate, "I'll need to think about it, that's all."
Kate nodded as she watched Caroline step into her shoes. Returning to take Kate's hands into hers, "Lets just see Dr. Simmons this afternoon to find out what we can do to help you feel better. We can talk about this later." Kissing Kate's cheek, "I'll make some tea. Edie will be here soon."
Cautiously Optimistic
Kate went into Dr. Simmons inner office alone but later Caroline was called to join them. She rose, feeling very glad that she had dressed well today, not sure why she felt that she needed every layer of protection possible for this encounter.
Dr. Simmons told them that Kate was indeed suffering from a mild form of depression, confirming Edie's observation. She talked about post partum depression and recent studies that showed hormones released by breast-feeding helped mitigate the pressures many new mothers experienced such as pain, shortage of sleep and anxiety, helping to reduce depression. She explained that there were anti-depressants and estrogen therapies available but at this point the severity was not such that she would recommend them. Especially since Kate preferred to continue to breast-feed Callie. Since her depression was relatively mild this time the doctor thought they might simply monitor the situation now.
Dr. Simmons told Caroline that Kate had shared with her how withdrawn she'd been the last week or so and that the two of them had finally been able to talk today. Caroline stole a glance at Kate wondering exactly what she had said.
The doctor encouraged them to continue to work together on communication to help reduce Kate's anxiety one of the contributing factors to her condition. Smilingly she said that it would be good for both of them to talk through the issues surrounding their newfound relationship in parenting. She told Kate that she would like to see her again in a week to check how everything was going and they could decide then what, if any, further steps would be necessary.
That evening they had shared with Edie the meal she had thoughtfully prepared for them while they were away. Then they had spent time with Laurence to reassure him that their lives were normalizing again. He held the baby and as always, seemed fascinated by her. He asked innocent questions about when she would begin to sit up and crawl, which they explained would be awhile yet. Kate told him what they could expect from the little newcomer in the next few weeks and was careful that he did not see the smiles she and Caroline exchanged over his questions.
Taking Callie to the bedroom with them Kate nursed her, passing the infant to Caroline for burping, sharing the ritual. Sleeping soundly, with a full tummy she lay on the bed between them as had become their evening habit. They never tired of watching her, fascinated as Laurence by each change of expression or movement as she slept. Tonight Caroline fingered the loose bronze ringlets. "She has Greg's hair." Looking up at Kate, "but your lovely eyes."
"Are you alright with that?"
Eyes twinkling, "What would we do about it if I weren't?" Going on, "Besides, without regular visits to the hairdresser you'd soon see my strawberry blonde color coming through." Looking back at the baby, "No, genetically you couldn't have come much closer, freckles and red hair."
"And otherwise?"
Meeting Kate's eyes, "From everything you've said, I believe that he is a good person." Giving her head a tilt sideways, "Let him come to visit her when he gets back. I need to face this."
Tears welling, "Caroline, you are so good." Swallowing, "I don't know how I could have said to you what I did this morning. I am so sorry."
Reaching to wipe away a tear, "Don't. It was fear talking. Anxiety about being a good mother, I understand."
Taking the hand Caroline rested lightly on the baby and placing it on her heart, "Caroline, I have to make sure you understand this. I've told you before but I need to say it again and you might need to hear it again. It's about conception. Usually a baby is conceived because the man ejaculates, then he is a father. Whether he wants to be or not he is a father but not necessarily a Dad. With us, with Callie, that happened but it doesn't make Greg her Dad, just her biological father. You and I are her parents. Everything that you've been through this past year, with me makes you her Mum too. She is yours as much as mine. That is my true feeling about this. Do you believe me?"
Seeing the earnestness in Kate's face, "Yes, I want to."
"I want you to know it, believe it. And I want you to behave with her just as you did with the boys when they were babies. You have every right with her that I have. Even if we don't always agree on everything I will always know that you love her as much as I do. All right?"
Caroline nodded.
"I need you to tell me you understand, Caroline. This is so important."
"I do, Kate. I do understand.
"I'm glad you took the day off from work. I know you don't do that lightly. Thank you."
"I am too." Giving a searching look, "Maybe I should have done it sooner. It might have kept things from getting so... wretched." Giving a tilt of her head, "I can tend to get too involved with work." Smiling ruefully, "But you know that, you've forbidden me reading reports in bed."
Turning serious, "Kate, I can already feel myself getting sucked into the new position and we haven't even made it to the term break yet. I need you to tell me if I get too caught up into it all. Looking down briefly then into Kate's eyes, "Some of it will be inevitable but without realizing it I can take on more than I need to take on." Sheepishly, "It's how I'm wired I guess." But I don't want that to create problems for us, so I'm asking you to promise that you'll tell me as soon as you notice. I'll try to catch myself but I might not." Touching her hand, "Will you promise to call me on it? Sooner rather than later?"
Smiling into the worried face, "I will Caroline. Thank you for saying it now. I'll be watching to see that you don't overdo. Like you did with me when I was pregnant." Eyes twinkling, "My turn to boss you around."
Thank you to everyone who expressed support over this chapter and my struggles with it. I was quite surprised at the strength of the reactions by readers to having the original chapter pulled. This hasn't been easy to revisit but in order to be true to the story, dealing with the challenges SW so brilliantly established for these characters, it was required. The past colors the future for all of us.
Housekeeping: I'm removing the personal intro to the new chapter 44 - no need for potential new readers to have to wonder about all of that. Just to let you know that nothing else changed there. I've also tried to clean up the mismatched chapter numbering. Not sure if it worked. If not, you'll simply be reminded each time you read this story of my feet of clay, lol.
I've been very touched by those of you who have written to me personally to share your feelings and to express concern for me. I still believe that some of the world's kindest, most generous people frequent this site. Please know that I appreciate you.