This time, their lovemaking was slower…tender. And even sweeter, if possible.
Afterward, it was as though the whole entire world had faded away, leaving only the two of them.
"Rose?" Cal asked, speaking softly, the smile on his face alone making her feel happy.
"Yes?" she said, speaking just as softly.
"When did you find out you were with child?"
The question caught her off guard a little, yet she knew he of course would want to know everything concerning that…
"Last week. I…I had gotten sick, and felt absolutely miserable, and…well…I was late. I…I had the doctor come, and he confirmed it."
The sorrow in his eyes made her feel as though he would do anything she asked to make up for it.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here," he said once again, softly, stroking her hair. She snuggled in closer to him.
"It's alright," she said softly. "I understand why."
A few more moments passed, and then, the question he asked her next was what made her feel more shocked than ever.
"I…well…this really wasn't the exact way I wanted to ask you this…I don't even have a ring…but…Rose? Will you marry me?"
Rose's eyes widened, and for a second she could not breathe. But then she couldn't help laughing.
He smiled too. "What a pleasing response, Rose. You sure do wonders for a man's ego."
Catching her breath, she finally spoke. "No! NO! It's just…it's just the picture of irony to imagine you…Cal Hockley…proposing right after lovemaking! But then again, I'm not sure why I'm so surprised. The more I think of it the more it fits."
Rolling his eyes a little, he still grinned. "Well? Is that a…"
Smirking, she said, finally, "Yes, Cal. I will." Though Rose couldn't stop herself from genuinely smiling in the end.
His answering smile was so beautiful…
Suddenly he kissed her, and upon pulling back, she only wanted it to last forever.
Regaining her former composure, she said, "Although…I do have a few stipulations."
"Name them, darling," he said, rolling his eyes in faux exasperation.
"Well," she said, speaking seriously, taking his hand in hers, "I'd like a new gown. New bridesmaid's dresses and designs. Everything. I…I want to start fresh," she said, hoping her eyes accurately conveyed her sincerity. They seemed to. Cal only stared, nodding, just as solemn as she.
"And…well really the only other thing is…perhaps the end of March would be good? It's pretty…the weather's always nice…and it also will still allow us to hide the pregnancy. I shouldn't be showing too much yet around then."
Finally slowly smiling, he said, "That's it? That sounds perfect to me. I thought for sure there would be more, knowing you," he said, gently teasing her, kissing her head.
Smiling, she said, "Oh, I'm a hard woman to please, Mr. Hockley. You may not be able to handle me."
Ignoring the second part of her comment, he only said, bawdily jesting, "Oh…you are definitely not hard to please, Rose."
Shocked, she gently swatted him, unable to staunch her light blush. Cal laughed.
Suddenly, he ghosted her right cheek with his thumb. "You're so beautiful," he said softly, and she couldn't help blushing just a little more.
"How strange how you can talk about size to an entire table full of men…. and insult them too, without so much as faltering in your speech, yet you blush from the slightest compliments from me," he said softly, smiling gently.
Smiling a little at the memory, she said, returning to her usual personality, "Well…at the time…I meant you, too," she said, admitting.
Cal grinned, rolling his eyes. "Well…nothing makes a man feel better than that," he said. "Though I'm glad you now know I am nowhere near…"
Laughing a little, saving him from the rest of his lewd, joking statement, she said, "I know." She leaned in and kissed him.
Laying her head on his chest, he began to stroke her hair and she closed her eyes lazily, enjoying it.
Yet remembering the first day on Titanic, and the meal with Ismay and company, also brought back the memory of one very special person… Mr. Andrews. Sorrow flooded her.
"Cal?" she said, suddenly feeling stricken at the memories. "May I ask…how…how did you get off Titanic?"
He stiffened, and then, finally, sighed. "I am not proud of it in the slightest, but…there was a little third-class girl who seemed to have no parents anywhere. I…I had noticed her crying earlier, and I did honestly feel for her. But…I was so panicked…and so out of it…later I went back for her. I got in a boat. I made sure somebody took her, however."
She tuned to look at him. Reaching up to tousle his hair gently, she said, "I don't judge you. I know you were just scared."
"I was, but it…it still does not excuse my actions."
Laughing sarcastically, she said, "Cal…you're…you are not the only person who did something awful."
Heart pounding, she took a deep breath and then said, "I…I need to tell you something, Cal. Just…don't feel like it's your fault."
Closing her eyes, she spoke. "I…that night when you all thought I had slipped from wanting to see the propellers, I tried to…I tried to kill myself. I was stupid and foolish and self-centered at the time. And I…I did. I just…couldn't hide that from you forever. Especially now. I'm sorry…very sorry," she said, staring at him, sorrow evident.
He propped himself up on his elbow, and his expression was stricken. And then solemn, all usual traces of his good humor gone.
Regretting her horrid confession instantly, she said, placing a gentle yet shaking hand on his arm, "I…please, don't feel like it's…"
Cal still did not speak.
"Cal," Rose said, now almost near tears. "Please…say something!"
Why ever did she have to open her mouth sometimes…why had she told him? It clearly had devastated him…
Finally, he did, and so softly for a moment even she could not hear.
"You…you did so…because of me," he said, voice cracking. It was not a question.
Biting her lip, she said, "Cal, look at me." Yet he did not.
Taking his face in her hands, she said, more forcefully, "Look at me!"
Finally he did. She said, speaking as plainly and sincerely as she knew how, "I will not lie…partly, yes. But I was foolish and stupid back then. I didn't…I never talked to you about anything. I only assumed that you were like every other first-class man I knew. Largely it was my fault. And I…I do not regret anything that has happened between us now, believe it or not. I am happy, and I do want to marry you. Truly."
Leaning in, she softly kissed him. When she pulled back, he still looked shocked, but seemed to be recovering.
"Are…are you sure, Rose?" he asked, softly.
"Yes," she said, smiling. "And I want the biggest ring that ever there was," she said, attempting humor.
Finally, her heart swelled when she saw him smile, just a little.
Kissing him again, at last he seemed to awaken and kissed her back with more force.
"I…I do love you, Rose," he said softly. "If…If I…would have known you had felt that way…been feeling that way back then…"
"I know," Rose said, nodding gently. "I know."
Finally, Cal kissed her again, and, she hoped, they would recover from her confession.
Yet, she somehow knew they would.
Still hating herself, she bit her lip and decided to confess something else.
"Also, Cal...may I confess something else? And goodness, I hope I don't make you feel even more terrible..."
To her surprise, he weakly smirked, the smirk gradually morphing into a weak, though pained, smile. He spoke softly.
"Well, I can't imagine anything being as bad or painful as the love of my life confessing I played a part in her wanting to end her life at one point..."
She weakly laughed as he kissed her head, though her heart still broke. She bit her lip again, seriousness returning, and said, "Oh, Cal...please forgive me...I'm horrid...I..."
Cal gently shook his head, gently massaging her cheek. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Rose. I...as much as that hurts me...you were just being honest. But please...continue..."
He kissed her head. "If you're certain," she said seriously.
Gulping, nerves returning, she said, "Well...I...I went into the library one day, and...I...I noticed the picture of you and your parents when you were younger. Twenty...I...oh...please, tell me. Your parents were abusive, weren't they?"
Staring at him, his expression was serious, yet only confirmed her suspicion.
Slowly he nodded, sorrowful. "Yes," he said. "But honestly, Rose...you are so intelligent...you've known all along, haven't you?"
She nodded. He kissed her head. "There's my girl," he said softly.
Sorrow reaching her own eyes for him, and face, he pulled back, elaborating. She took his hand.
"My father always abused me from the moment I could walk...he was not a kind man. He hit me...he always insulted me...it's no excuse, but...that's subconsciously how I learned it...he was unkind and cruel to almost everyone, including me and my mother, especially lower classes. He abused me emotionally, physically and mentally...and he poisoned me in some ways where it came to you. He...he hit my mother, too, though she was unkind and haughty and abusive just like him. Honestly, they both never gave a damn about me."
He blinked. "I can't tell you how many beatings I received from him...how many times I thought surely he'd kill me. When...when I was young I just wanted them both to love me like I loved them...but as I got older I didn't care anymore, as I saw how utterly awful they both were. I stood up to my father plenty once I was older, and his abuse never stopped. But the beatings were worth it, it gave me so much satisfaction from standing up to him...In fact, look at my back."
Rose did so, covering her mouth as she saw for the first time the faded scars on it. She kissed his cheek. Tears welled in her eyes.
Cal shook his head. "Please don't cry for me," he said softly, touching her cheek. "It's all in the past now, and honestly as much as I hated him, I'd wish him back and even worse pain from him if it meant I could undo all the damage I did to you on Titanic."
The sweet words touched Rose beyond mere words.
She kissed his cheek.
Speaking again, Cal said, "I...growing up I like to think I was a good man, but...somewhere along the line he got to me, though I always hated the man he was...he'd always ruined my life, and his warping of me and the example of how he behaved cost me the most important thing in my life...and I am just thankful I received a second chance...one that I don't deserve."
Rose grabbed hold of his hand, squeezing violently.
Cal shook his head. "I know I am not a good man, Rose, especially after everything I ever did on Titanic...I know I'm a monster...but again, I am so very sorry...But, please...that...that man on Titanic was never me...please know that...not the real me...and I will do everything in my power to erase the past and be better...if only you'll let me. I...not a day goes by that I do not regret what I did to you..."
His expression was now tortured, and Rose nodded. "I know," she said softly. "And you are a good man...I know that now."
Doubt showed on his face, but he nodded. Silence hit before he spoke again, Rose waiting patiently.
"Honestly...I hated that bastard so much," he said softly. "I honestly hated both of them... I despised them once I became a teenager and then adult...it was a relief when they both died. I know that's awful, but..."
Rose shook her head. "No, Cal. It's not. And...I am so sorry for not realizing the truth sooner...for not bothering to get to know the real you...for not giving you a chance..."
Cal kissed her softly. "No, Rose...I'm the one who did the damage..."
Rose shrugged. "Maybe in part, but I played my part, too."
Rose squeezed his arm then. "Cal? Look at me?"
Cal did, his pain and dull expression evident, and Rose kissed him with all the force she could muster.
Pulling back, her hands on his cheeks, Rose said, "Thank you so much for sharing all that with me. We needed to talk about that...I needed to know that. I feel I know you better now, and though I know it is not happy for you to talk about, I will happily listen to any and all painful experiences with your parents growing up. And hopefully I'll heal you."
Cal slowly shook his head. "You already are, slowly but surely, darling."
Cal kissed her softly then, gently and wonderfully...
"And Rose? I will share my experiences, but I want you to share yours, too, from your past growing up. We are a team, and I don't want you to ever feel alone...like I don't care. Because I do, more than I am sure you could ever believe. I want to comfort you and heal your pain, too."
Rose smiled, her heart jumping as he smiled, too. "I do believe that is a deal, Mr. Hockley. But, if I may say...if I could, I'd punch the living daylights out of your father and pull your mother's hair out by the roots for how they treated you."
Cal laughed, and then gently yet kindly smirked, slowly shaking his head. "That's my Rose," he said softly.
He played with her hair. "That's the woman I love," he repeated just as softly.
Silence ensued, and then, without warning, he kissed her again...
Rose eagerly responded, and before long they were making love yet again, Rose knowing peace at the fact they would recover from her confession of earlier.
Two days later, Rose sat, wringing her hands, as they awaited Ruth.
"Oh goodness…Cal…we…we can't tell her I'm…" she said, gesturing to her stomach, their secret still safely hidden beneath her corset and dress.
He shrugged, grinning. "Why ever not?"
Gasping, she said, "Be…because! She…she would die of shame! And she would hate you! Well…mostly me, but…"
Grinning, he said, "Rose, your mother adores me."
"She does…but we…we can't tell her. We can't tell anyone!"
Relenting, he said, "Alright. Your wish is my command."
Rolling her eyes a little, she said, "Goodness…I'm still barely showing. It's strange."
Cal laughed a little. "Are you feeling alright, darling?"
Grimacing, she said, "Yes…but I feel like I'm going to be sick again simply from my mother alone!"
Finally, at long last, Ruth DeWitt Bukater arrived.
"Oh hello, my darlings!" she said, kissing Rose on the cheek, and then going over to Cal and doing the same.
"To what do I owe this pleasure?" she said, sitting down, unwrapping her lace scarf from around her neck.
Looking at Cal, leaning against the wall, smirking at her, Rose said, "Ah…well Mother…we have some news. Cal and I…we are going to be married at the end of March. We decided."
Eyes widening, Ruth clasped her hands together in delight, and then almost couldn't speak for a few moments.
Finally, gathering composure, she said, ecstatically, "Oh…goodness! Why…why that's wonderful! Oh, darling!"
She kissed Rose on the cheek, embracing her tightly.
"And... Well...Mother…I…I want a new gown. And new bridesmaid's dresses and designs…new flowers…basically everything different from last time."
As she had predicted, her mother's coo of delight was instantaneous.
"Oh, darling…why…oh goodness…of course! Oh, this shall be so enjoyable…you'll be the most beautiful bride of the season!"
Hastily, Rose intervened. "But…Mother…I at least want to like the dress this time, and pick it. You…you can have free reign on…on everything else. Including the bridesmaid's dress colors."
As it had been such a point of contention last time, she decided wryly, why not let her mother pick? She did not care as long as the dress was new…did not care as long as all was light and bright this time…all the memories were joyful this time around, instead of somber…
Ruth kissed her, hugging her tightly. "Oh, why of course, Rose! And…oh…I can just imagine, all the bridesmaids in…"
Rolling her eyes as she caught Cal's attention, she couldn't help smiling just a little as he winked.
And then growing frustrated as he, conveniently, left the room to, as he put it, "do work"…therefore leaving her all alone with her mother.
On the following Monday morning, Cal left for work as usual. The wedding was two months away…the pregnancy was advancing nicely…and all was as pleasant as could be.
Strange how quickly things can change in so little time…
Closing his eyes, engrossed in thinking only of Rose, and their child…and how lovely his life was turning out…he did not see the black automobile going through the stoplight toward him and his driver, the elderly driver of the encroaching automobile currently suffering a heart attack. And then, as the automobile crashed into their car, he was jolted, banging his head violently…
Everything went black.
Waking up again in the hospital later, he grimaced. Both he and his driver had been "fortunate." Or so the physicians had said.
He himself had only suffered a mild concussion…a black eye…and overall bothersome soreness from the initial impact that would fade within a few day's time. And of course, bumps and bruises. But thankfully, nothing major.
His driver was also, thankfully, all right, to his immense, immense relief. The other driver, though, had died, which struck Cal greatly. But at least he was in a better place.
But, despite his pain, he wanted nothing more than to get up and go home…but they had insisted he be held overnight. Which annoyed him, greatly. He was fine…there was nothing wrong with him…
Truthfully, he still would rather have went to work…it would have been far more entertaining than lying on his back in a bed staring at the ceiling…
His pain wasn't horrible…and then he gingerly rolled over. He grimaced. Well…at least it would not be permanent.
The fact that he could have died today had registered greatly with him, however. And all he wanted was to see Rose…
He of course had been unable to get a word out to her about the accident, it had all happened so fast…and he had been so out of it.
He didn't even know what time it was…
Standing up gingerly, grimacing the whole time, he was able to look out the window at last. It was almost dusk.
The accident had happened early this morning…why hadn't she come?
Holding his ribs, slowly walking back to the bed, he got in.
Had she not known?
Then he thought. Why, everyone at Hockley Steel had been informed about the accident…they would know to reach her…
And then Cal thought, sorrow encasing him even more as he came to the conclusion. If possible, he felt even his heart bruise.
She probably had received word. And had not cared. Yet, if Dawson would have been injured…she would have come right away.
That was the only explanation he could allow himself to believe.
And that hurt more than his physical pain.
A servant running in, breathless, startled Rose. Discarding her book, she said,
"What is it? Is it Cal? He is still not home…I'm rather worried."
"A visitor for you, Miss." Here the elderly servant paused, and then he spoke again. "He says it's serious."
Puzzled, Rose got up, following him to the door. A vaguely familiar man about twenty years older than Cal was standing there, his hat in his hands. His gray hair stood on end.
Oddly, he seemed to know her, and then it hit her. Yes…she did know him…but it had been such a long time…
"Robert Grayson!" she said, smiling a little, though still confused. "Oh, it's been such a long time, I…"
He smiled just a little, though his coat was unbuttoned, and it was clear he was distressed.
"Hello, Rose, lovely to see you again. I don't mean to be rude but I…I'm a friend of Cal's, as you know…and I also work with him. I'm…I'm surprised nobody came and told you sooner, and I'm terribly sorry about that…"
Alarm flooding her, feeling all color leave her face, she said, "He…he's not dead, is he?"
Shaking his head, he said, "Oh, no! No! Thank god. But…there was an accident, this morning. An elderly man had a heart attack and lost control of his automobile. He…he hit Cal and his driver. But both of them are all right…though considerably bruised up, I'm afraid. Anyway…the hospital just wanted to keep them overnight. But…I…I just thought I should let you know."
Gasping, Rose could only blankly stare. Accident. Cal…he could have died!…
It felt as though her corset was strangling her.
"Oh…oh goodness," she said. "I…oh…Mr. Grayson…please…can you take me to see him? Please?"
Looking at him imploringly, she almost grew weak with the utmost, immense relief when he said yes.
"Of course, Rose! I'd be happy to!"
Thank goodness...
The entire drive to the hospital, Rose's heart was in her mouth.
She could have lost him…he could have died…been even more seriously hurt…
Finally, thankfully, at long last they were outside the somber orange brick building, and she only vaguely heard Robert Grayson giving his driver instructions on where to meet them afterwards…
And then, mercifully, they were on his floor.
Catching one of the doctors passing through, Rose said, "Please, sir…where is Mr. Hockley's room?"
He looked at her. "Visiting hours are over, Miss, and even if…"
No. Heart sinking, rage building, she said, "My fiancé could have died, and I had no idea about this accident until twenty minutes ago. I am going to see him whether you like it or not!"
Looking taken aback that a woman was daring to speak to him that way, he finally relented, though not before giving her a disgusted look. She felt hate flood her.
"Fine. His room's that way," he said, pointing. "A220."
Memorizing the number, she hastily went in that direction, and finally she came to the door.
Knees growing weak, she could have fainted at the sight of him. His eyes were closed.
Going in, closing the door behind her, she went farther in. His right eye was almost swollen shut and he had a bloody bandage on a gash on his forehead. Tears stinging her eyes, she wanted so badly to go and kiss him…feel his heartbeat, feel his warmth…feel his mouth on hers…. so she would know she was not dreaming. He really was, still, miraculously alive…
Her heart stopped when his eyes flickered open.
"Rose?" he said groggily, rubbing his head. "What are…what are you doing here? Is…is there something wrong with the baby?" He grew alert at the end.
"Oh…goodness no! No! Everything's all right…I'm fine…the baby's fine, Cal. But…what am I doing here? Cal, you were in an accident. I had no idea until Robert Grayson came and told me. He…he took me here. Oh, I'm…I'm so glad you're all right!" she said breathlessly.
He was still solemn, as though he were not daring to believe it. Or her words.
"Cal, what's wrong?" she said, alarmed. Perhaps he was worse off than he looked…
Finally, he spoke. "I feel so silly…I thought for sure you knew about the accident and just didn't…didn't care."
Jaw dropping, hysteria finally setting in, she said, "Not care? Cal, I…"
Tears stinging her eyes, she spoke as it finally hit her….
She closed her eyes, butterflies swarming her stomach at finally confessing her feelings, her color also rising...
"Cal, I…oh don't ever think that! I…of course I care, because I…because I love you! I'm in love with you! And…goodness, you…you need to stop scaring me like this, you insufferable bastard!" she finished, laughing weakly. "I do love you now, Cal. Truly. And that won't change. No matter our past."
The moments seemed interminable to Rose as he took in her words, but in the end, it truly felt right. Yes…she did love him now. Was in love with him, deeply and truly. And she needed him to know this.
Again, the smile on his face, slow but steady, was akin to dawn breaking. Beautiful…
Smiling herself, she suddenly, unable to help herself, launched herself at him. He kissed her, hard and deep, and she closed her eyes in contentment. The moment was almost surreally beautiful.
He was holding her against him so tightly and securely, and his heart, alive and strong, brought happy tears to her eyes.
His heart was racing now, and, somehow, he was holding her against him…alive, and well, and not dead. Not dead…
"You love me?" he softly said, still smiling.
She laughed nervously. "Yes, you insufferable bastard! I do. God help me, but I do," she said.
He smirked. "Always the sweetest with your compliments towards me."
Rose couldn't help laughing. Cal kissed her again, then, and after, she could see the pure awe on his face, in his expression, reflected back at her.
"Lie with me on the bed," he whispered, and she couldn't help laughing.
"Oh…goodness…you must be in so much pain, and you should get your rest…"
"I don't care," he said, smiling a little, and finally, she relented. And as she savored his warmth, and the feeling of him holding her against him for the few precious moments they had before she would have to leave for the night until his return tomorrow, she knew peace.