"I can't sleep."
He was recognizable now, at least. His whites were, if not pristine, they were at least white and Ratchet could see the red and green decals streaking down his frame, interspersed with scratches and dents that autorepair would have to take care of on its own. Ratchet hadn't had a chance to repair his headfin, but it was cosmetic damage- nothing life threatening. He thought of his friend's face behind his mask and swallowed, remembering exactly what cosmetic damage could do, if left untreated.
Ratchet pulled up a chair beside his berth, blocking out the pained breaths and moans of the medbay's recovering occupants. Just as he'd instructed, the more severe injuries had been stabilized and brought back to the base for repairs. It also meant that the medbay was the fullest he'd ever seen it. Ironhide had assured him that it hadn't been a costly battle, all things considered, but as Ratchet glanced around at the full berths, he had to wonder. Triage had ended earlier in the night—now it was finalizing repairs and letting mech's recover.
"Let me take a look at your head fin, then," Ratchet said quietly, trying not to disturb the sleeping mech in the berth next to him.
Wheeljack gave a wan smile. "Thanks," he said quietly, knowing that Ratchet was doing it, simply to be close to him.
Ratchet returned the smile, though it didn't quite reach his optics. He was exhausted- they all were, and yet Ratchet had to commend the medical staff. They had stayed awake with him and with the two other mechs from the lines—the ones that had their stripes, Ratchet felt some of the responsibility lift from his shoulders. The medbots went to them with quiet questions instead of him, gravitating towards familiar faces that wore their insignia instead of the stranger that had browbeaten them and their entire operation. It was a bit of a relief, and yet it stung on a level he wasn't expecting.
"How are you feeling?" he asked and plugged in a scan again, checking the mech's temperature readings. He had cooled down significantly, though he couldn't be too surprised. Jack had had a couple of the mechanisms in his vents rattled or broken by the explosion, and now that those were fixed, things seemed to be evening themselves out.
Wheeljack gave a noncommittal shrug and ran a hand over his helm. "Tired," he said quietly. "And just... not quite here. It all seems so surreal, you know?"
Ratchet's vents huffed in a quiet laugh. "Oh, believe me, I do," he said quietly. "Some mornings, I wake up here and wonder where the pit I am. I keep expecting to hear Spec yelling at me or the alarms in HQ going off." He checked his scans and was glad to see that more and more were coming back clear—autorepair was kicking back on now that his systems were working their way out of shellshock and his circulation along with his energy levels were returning back to normal. "You know, I've even had moments where I wonder why I'm not in my apartment by the University."
Wheeljack smiled at that before looking back up at the ceiling. "So much has happened," he said.
Ratchet let out a long sigh. "I know," he said and squeezed his friend's shoulder. "But we did it, Jack. We're free mechs once more. You were right," he said with a smile. "We made the change ourselves and we got out of there." Wheeljack's smile widened, turned more genuine as he remembered their conversation that first night in Kaon HQ. As Wheeljack's optics slowly slid out of focus, Ratchet knew exactly what the other mech was thinking. "It seems so long ago, doesn't it?" Ratchet asked. "I mean... Primus, that feels like a lifetime ago."
"We were different mechs back then," Wheeljack said. "What sort of mechs are we now?"
Something about the way he said it, something about his tone made Ratchet pause. "You feel guilty," he said, not as a question.
Wheeljack's head tilted back, his optics glowing dimly as he looked at Ratchet. "Of course I feel guilty," he whispered. "I... I ended over two-hundred mechs today. I'll be the death of a lot more before this is all over."
"Jack," Ratchet began, trying to think of anything he could say that would help put his friend at ease. "They were Decepticons- those were the same mechs that kept us prisoner inside of Kaon HQ. They—" he opened his mouth to say more, but the dark thoughts swirling through his head had started to sound like Ironhide. It unnerved him on a level he didn't want to admit, so he stopped the words before they could even leave his mouth.
Wheeljack, though, finished it for him. "They deserved it," he said, though he wasn't quite able to cover up the pain in his voice.
Ratchet let out a long sigh and couldn't help but feel a little bit of relief that his friend had said it, and not him. He could lie to himself all he liked, grimace and scowl when Ironhide took pleasure in killing Decepticons, but a part of his processor, the dark background of his mind harbored so much anger and hate that he couldn't help but agree, even if he would never say it out loud. They had deserved it, though he'd be damned if he ever admitted it.
"I know it's hard, but try to think of something else," Ratchet said quietly and put a hand on his friend's helm. Wheeljack gave a short, humorless laugh, showing just how possible he thought that was. "Think about what you'll do now," he continued. "You're a free mech again, Wheeljack. What are you going to do with it?" When Rung had asked him that same question, he hadn't known what to say. He still didn't know what to say. He'd promised to help in Charr, but with things progressing as they were, he wondered how long the arrangement would last.
Wheeljack was quiet for a long moment, his optics so dim that Ratchet began to wonder if he had fallen asleep. His scan was still plugged in and he could see the mech's levels evening out further, though his processor was still spiking with activity. Ratchet tinkered gently with his head fin, being sure all the sensors were deadened so he didn't feel a thing, though he was using the ritual of repair more as a distracting from his own troubling thoughts.
"What are you going to do?" Wheeljack asked and Ratchet nearly jumped.
He looked down at his friend, seeing that the glow had returned a little to his optics. He swallowed and leaned in a little closer to his head fin, turning a small light on by the berth so he could see better in the dim room. "I'm not sure yet," he said quietly. "I... I want to wait until after this bomb threat passes before I make any decisions."
Wheeljack nodded, but wasn't content to drop the subject yet. "Thinking optimistically—what do you think you'll do?" he asked.
Ratchet swallowed, thinking of his creators in Iacon and Bluestreak being evacuated to Polyhex. Potentially, he could visit one on his way to the other. "I... I think I'm going to go home," he said at last. "Swing through Polyhex to check on Bluestreak before I go back to Iacon."
Wheeljack gave a small smile at that and sighed wistfully. "Primus... we really do have a choice now, don't we?" he asked.
Ratchet smiled. "We really do," he promised. "As much as they want us to stay, the Autobots won't force us."
Wheeljack gave a small snort at that. "I don't want to stay here," he said. "I'm antsy just lying here... I just, I need to get away from all this, you know?"
Ratchet's optics slid out of focus, his own demons coming back to haunt him. "I know. Believe me, I definitely understand," he said.
They fell into a comfortable silence, both of them simply enjoying the others company. It had been too long since they'd seen each other and, for Ratchet, he felt more at ease knowing that his friend was close again. He magnified his optics, leaning in close as he carefully cleaned the debris and ash from Wheeljack's head fin. They didn't have the supplies to replace it, but Ratchet didn't mind rebuilding it. He just didn't look right with only one half lighting up.
"Wheeljack?"
Both mechs looked up and Ratchet had to readjust his optics to be able to see Perceptor standing a few berth lengths away. His optics were wide and Ratchet swallowed, wondering if he should leave or not. Perceptor didn't seem to mind his presence as he walked briskly over to the berth and practically threw himself at Wheeljack. The engineer let out an "oof!" of surprise, but returned the embrace, half dragging Perceptor the rest of the way onto the med berth.
Neither of them had to say a word. Perceptor simply buried his face against the mech's neck, his frame shaking and vents stuttering as he hugged him tightly. Wheeljack held him close, stoically ignoring the weight against the painful dents and dings on his frame, or maybe he just didn't notice it. Ratchet watched them for a moment before slowly getting to his feet, wanting them to have their time to talk.
Wheeljack's hand reached out and grabbed his. His optic's locked with Ratchet's and he gave a small shake of his head. Ratchet hesitated but slowly took his seat again, unable to ignore the persistent grip on his hand. Wheeljack gave a small smile and rubbed Perceptor's neck with his free hand before quietly asking, "What happened, Percy?"
Ratchet saw him visibly tense at the nickname, but he didn't pull away. Instead, he buried his face against the mech's neck and drew in a long breath. Wheeljack held him and waited, not wanting to press him. Ratchet shifted nervously, afraid of what the mech would say.
Perceptor swallowed and drew in another deep breath and then another. "I tried to kill myself," he whispered. Wheeljack tightened his embrace minutely, finally letting go of Ratchet's hand to hold onto the smaller mech. "I drank liquid helium. I couldn't take the guilt or the shame anymore. I thought..." He paused, as though uncertain how to continue. "I figured that if I wasn't around, he couldn't keep using me. And Ratchet..." Ratchet's hands tightened on the edge of the medberth. "He wiped my memories, tried to make me forget it all. Him and that medic, Spec... they helped me get out of Kaon."
Wheeljack looked at Ratchet, optics wide with shock and he could only guess what was going through his head. Ratchet swallowed and kept his optics lowered, not wanting to look for clarification on his friend's face. He wanted to explain himself, but a part of him felt like he deserved the scrutiny. He was shocked when Perceptor continued.
"Ratchet was trying to help me," he said quietly. "I don't think I would have left Kaon if he hadn't done it."
Ratchet let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and dared to look up at Perceptor. The mech still had his face buried against Wheeljack's neck, but his optics were on, their light watching Ratchet. He offered him a small smile, which Perceptor tentatively returned. He relaxed a little bit and leaned back in his chair, watching Wheeljack hold the mech tightly.
"And now?" Wheeljack asked quietly.
Perceptor shrugged. "I'm... coping," he said. "There's a mech here, named Rung. He helped Ratchet restore my memories and he's been helping me... reconcile them. I feel a lot better knowing that the information has been passed on to someone else. It's... a weight off of my shoulders."
Wheeljack nodded and gave Perceptor a gentle squeeze of an embrace. "What information?" he asked quietly.
Perceptor swallowed. "About a weapon that Landslide was working on," he said. "It's set to detonate in five days, above Iacon, but I... changed the coordinates before I left. It will detonate far over the Rust Sea unless Landslide catches my alteration. If he does, well... I've provided enough information about the bomb to the Autobots, that Iacon should be able to create a security measure that will keep the city protected."
He sounded nervous, even as he said it. "You know what sort of mechs work in Iacon, Perce," Wheeljack said quietly. "They have some of the greatest minds on the planet—and with the info you've given them? They'll be just fine, thanks to you."
Perceptor let out a deep breath and relaxed minutely, even as he nodded. He still looked troubled, but what else was there to do? It was out of their hands now. "I'm glad you're okay, Jack," Perceptor said quietly and tightened his embrace on his friend.
Wheeljack closed his optics tiredly and tightened his embrace before letting him up. "Me too."
Ratchet couldn't help but smile. Both of his friends were safe, and for now, he was able to content himself with that knowledge, forgetting about the war above and the looming threats in the distance. Slowly, he reached out and put his hand on Perceptor's shoulder and was relieved when he didn't flinch. "We need to let Jack sleep," he said quietly.
Perceptor nodded, but stayed put a moment longer, as though reluctant to let go. "I'll still be here tomorrow," Wheeljack promised and tightened his embrace for a moment longer before letting the mech up.
Perceptor got to his feet and it was only then that Ratchet noticed Rung standing on the far side of the medbay, watching them with a look of approval on his face. The orange mech's optics met Ratchet's and he offered a smile that the medic returned. Rung had promised he would help, and Ratchet was glad to see that he had been able to keep that promise.
"We'll see you tomorrow, okay Perce?" Wheeljack asked.
Perceptor nodded and gave his hand one last squeeze. "See you tomorrow," he said before walking over to where Rung waited. He watched them talk quietly for just a moment before Rung put a hand on Perceptor's shoulder and steered him out of the mebday.
"You did the right thing, you know." Ratchet looked down at his friend, seeing the light fading from Wheeljack's optics as he vainly tried to fight off recharge. "You did what you had to to keep him safe... I can't say I could have thought of another way to do it."
Ratchet smiled at that, his spark jumping in his chassis. "Thank you," he said quietly, and the guilt seemed to lessen, now that he knew someone out there agreed with his decision. He leaned a little closer to his friend's head fin, carefully welding a connection back into place.
His optics caught Wheeljack's scan readouts and he blinked. He'd been too distracted by conversation and his delicate repairs to even notice them, but now he saw that Wheeljack's system had evened out completely. The mech was at nearly textbook standards right now—his spark fluctuations had ceased, his temperature was evened out and his processor wavelengths was no longer jolting around like a concussed mech. He had balanced and with that, his exhaustion was quickly catching up. Apparently, seeing him and Perceptor had been exactly what he had needed to even him out.
"If you fall asleep, I won't be offended," Ratchet said gently. "You need to rest."
"I told you, I'm not tired," Wheeljack murmured, though Ratchet was starting to detect a distinct slur to his voice. He was fading and they both knew it. He was just trying to be polite.
"Uh huh," Ratchet said flatly. "You know, I can always give you some more sedative- I'm actually kind of shocked how well you fended off my last dose." He squeezed his shoulder gently. "Just rest—I'll be right here, I promise."
Wheeljack chuckled and slowly let his optics slide closed. "Whatever you say, doctor," he said with a grin. Ratchet smiled at that and watched as Wheeljack's scans started to slow, signaling the beginnings of a recharge cycle.