The Unspoken Rules
She'd taught him a lot, the dos and don'ts of survival, the hows and the whys, she'd given him a whole list of rules to follow, but – but there were rules she hadn't told him. Important ones. Ones that he should – needed – to know. But she couldn't make herself tell him.
These rules exposed the darker, uglier side of the world. These rules stripped away the innocence and hardened the heart. These rules had almost killed her.
She would try to tell him. She'd open her mouth, words right there and ready to be spoken, and he'd look at her. He'd look at her and she'd see the trust, the hope, the innocence in him that she'd lost, but worst of all she'd see the love.
She'd see it and break, the words vanishing because she couldn't take his innocence from him as it had been stolen from her. Because she longed for, wanted, needed, the love he gave her. Because she was selfish.
So she never told him. She suggested, implied, and hinted at them, but she never said them.
She hoped. She hoped he could hear them. She hoped he understood what she couldn't outright say. She hoped he wouldn't suffer because of them. She hoped because he had taught her how, and she didn't want to lose that ability again.
They drove her, hovered over her, and governed her every action. Throughout it all they were there. A shadow she couldn't shake. A tool she needed but would give anything to loose.
They, the unspoken rules.
She pulled the hood of his jacket up over his head. He scowled and made to push it back down, but she stopped him.
"Don't want your hair getting caught on anything," she explained. "Plus, if someone grabs your jacket you can wiggle out of it. Kinda hard to wiggle out of your hair."
He snickered but left his hood up and she smiled.
Yes, what she'd said was true, it was easier to get out of a jacket than a hand fisted in your hair, but more importantly his face was hidden in shadow.
*Don't be noticeable.
Don't let them know what you look like.
Don't be anything more than a shadow.
Be forgettable so you can live without fearing someone will recognize you.*
She wore a yellow hat. A brilliant, in your face, no-way-you-can-forget-it-because-it-practically-glows-in-the-dark-it's-so-bright, yellow hat and she never took it off. Not when she was stealing. Not when she was pick pocketing. Not when she was spotted. Not when she was running. Not when she dashed across the roof tops. Not when she was cornered. And certainly not when anyone tried to take it from her!
It was the first and only present she'd ever received. It came from the blue eyed boy that was always by her side. It was hers and she wouldn't let it go.
She broke the rule.
She held her breath as he approached the couple. He tugged on the woman's skirt and once he had their attention held up his hands, tilting his head to the side. From the expression on their faces he was giving them 'the look.' She could practically see the melting under the stare of those ridiculously large eyes and tiny little smile.
Even through her worry she felt a tiny bit humor, and even pity, for the couple. That look was one they had perfected and she didn't think anyone would be able to resist it. Heck, it was so adorable they'd could probably stab the Emperor and skip away with all his valuables without anyone stopping them! Not that she was going to test that theory, but still. . .
He was dashing back over to her, eyes bright and smiling as he held up the two credits the couple had given him.
"Two," he said excitedly. "Two whole credits!"
He turned and waved at the couple, who waved back as they continued their walk.
She frowned.
"You did really good," she said, inspecting the credits to be sure they were real. "But don't forget to be careful. Just because they're nice today doesn't mean they'll be nice tomorrow."
*Don't trust anyone.
Trusting someone leaves you open, vulnerable, to being stabbed in the back.*
She trusted. She trusted him because he trusted her. She trusted him because he listened. She trusted him because he let her watch his back. She trusted him because he was there for her. She trusted him because he never left her. She trusted him because he'd never given her a reason not to. She trusted him because he proved himself. She trusted him because he said she could, but never asked if she did.
She trusted him because she wanted to.
She broke the rule.
"I got you something."
"Really?" His whole face lit up with excitement and happy surprise. "What? Whatcha get me? Whatcha get me?"
She threw it at him.
"A backpack?"
"You've been pickin' up a lot of stuff, thought you might like something to carry it in so you don't lose it." She explained with a shrug.
"Thank you!" He crowed, tackle hugging her. She hugged him back and helped him put it on and adjust the straps.
"Now that you have this, I don't want you complaining you left something behind again. Or lost it," she added as an afterthought.
He stuck his tongue out at her, before slipping it off and stuffing it with all the odds and ends he'd gathered.
*Always be ready to run, to leave everything you don't have on you behind, to let go.*
She'd always carried everything with her. All the tools she used, or might need, hidden away on her person. Her extra clothes were stuffed in a small sack tied to her belt. Food, if it wasn't eaten right away, was carefully packed into the water proof bag tied to her waist. If she had any money it was hidden in a secret pocket.
Everything she owned, she carried. It only came off when she bathed or when she slept, and then it was never out of sight or reach.
Until they found the tower.
She'd chosen the abandoned building so he could practice his lock picking skills. She never expected him to actually unlock the door. She never expected to set foot inside. She never expected to return afterwards. She certainly never wanted to keep coming back. She definitely never wanted to start spending the night there. She never expected to turn it into a hideout. She never dreamed she'd feel (almost) safe there. She would sooner lick the wall of the sewer, all of them in fact, before admitting they had started calling the place 'home.'
But that's what it was becoming. And like any home it started gathering a collection of stuff, little signs that people lived there. It started with a shirt that had a hole she needed to fix. Then it was tool he'd been using and forgotten to return before they left. It didn't even bother her when she started storing food in the fridge instead of carrying it.
She left things behind. She wasn't prepared to never come back. She wasn't ready to run.
She broke the rule.
"Leave it alone."
"Can't we keep it?" He asked, petting the tiny tooka.
"No." Why? Why did he even want to?
"Please!" His eyes were getting bigger, preparing to give her 'the look,' but she wasn't about to budge on this. No matter how cute they looked.
"No." She couldn't feed three.
"Please!" Both the boy and the tooka were looking at her with wide, pleading eyes.
"No! It's a stray, Ezra. It doesn't matter what you want, it'll go when it wants to. You can't make it stay."
As if to prove her point the little tooka took off, chasing after a tiny shadow.
"Aww." His face fell.
"I'm sorry, Mi Cielo. It's better not to get attached to things like that."
*Don't care. Don't get attached or invested. Don't care.*
Caring makes you worry about someone. Caring makes you hurt when someone's injured or sad. Caring makes you want to protect someone when they're vulnerable or in danger. Caring makes you do stupid things to keep them safe and make them happy. Caring is dangerous. Caring gets you killed.
She worried when she couldn't see him. Her stomach would twist into knots and her hands would shake whenever he got hurt. Her heart would always clench painfully whenever he cried or that look of empty longing would cross his face. She rushed to his side the instant things started to look bad, even if it was all in her head. She made herself a target so no one would notice him. She wasted money just so she could buy him the food he wanted, instead of stealing what they needed.
She cared.
She broke the rule.
*Everything has a price.*
She broke the rules. She wore something ridiculously memorable. She trusted. She left things behind. She cared. She broke all of them and still managed to keep herself and him safe, alive, and most amazingly, happy!
She did it, and for a long time she waited for it to happen; for her carelessness and selfishness to catch up to her. She waited and nothing happened.
Slowly, so slowly she didn't even realize she was doing it, she relaxed. She dropped her guard, and she forgot to remember the cruelest rule of all.
She broke the rules and lived happily.
She broke the rules and danced away from the consequences.
She broke the rules.
She paid the price.