Dread, which is closely related to fear, steals the ability to enjoy ordinary life and makes people anxious about the future.
– Joyce Meyer
Paige sat on the bed, half dressed. She had pulled her jeans up to knee-level before she stopped, sullen. She and Emily were supposed to go to a big end-of-exams party at the student union, but her heart wasn't in it. She had been moping around for the past couple of days, and, even though she tried to put on a happy face around Emily, Emily noticed.
"We don't have to go to this thing, you know." Emily had suggested the party thinking that it would cheer her girlfriend. She still believed that it would, but wondered whether Paige just wanted a quiet night together - or by herself.
"No. I want to go." Paige forced a smile. "Sorry - I'm just in slow motion tonight."
Emily found some seats for the two of them, Pru, and Hanna. Their friends didn't stay, though: Hanna had initiated Operation Hot Guy and dragged Pru off to meet the guy she was sure that Pru would marry someday. Emily initiated Operation Dance Your Troubles Away, hoping to help Paige shake off her doldrums, literally. They hit the dance floor, and Emily tried everything that she could come up with to improve Paige's mood: Playful Emily, Enthusiastic Emily, Seductive Emily, Goofy Emily. She danced in circles around her girlfriend, smoothing at her sides, backing up into her, holding her hands. To a casual observer, Paige would have appeared to be enjoying herself. Emily, however, was not a casual observer.
After about a half hour of this, the DJ spun a slow song. Emily put her arms around Paige's waist, and Paige put her arms around Emily's neck. She rested her head on Emily's chest, her cheek just below the shoulder blade, her eyes facing away from Emily. She let out a long sigh.
Finally.
This is what she had wanted all along: Just to be held in the comforting arms of her girlfriend. Emily could sense Paige's need and held her tighter, moving her right arm up to Paige's back and cradling Paige's head with her left. In just a few short hours, they would be heading home – Paige to Wisconsin and Emily to Rosewood, and Paige was dreading having to go back to falling asleep alone, having grown accustomed to the feeling of sleeping in Emily's protecting, warming embrace.
"It's only a week, you know," Emily said, somehow hearing the words that Paige never spoke. "I'm still coming out to meet your family after Christmas."
"It's not just a week," Paige whined. "You know that they're going to put you in the guest room. That's even worse – to have you right down the hall and not be able to sleep with you – fall asleep with you, I mean."
"I know, Paige. It's going to suck."
"Yeah. It's going to suck."
"But let's just enjoy tonight."
Paige sighed deeply. "I am," she asserted, not sure whether she was trying to convince Emily or herself.
"We can do two weeks!" Emily tried to be contagiously enthusiastic.
"I suppose," Paige sighed.
Emily tilted Paige's face up to her with a serious expression. "Please tell me that your parents are deep sleepers!"
Paige's genuine laugh warmed Emily's heart. She kissed her, soulfully. Paige savored the moment like a last meal. She memorized the feel of Emily's hands on her back and her head. She rested her cheek on Emily's chest again and pressed a kiss onto her shoulder. "I love you."
It was a moment too beautiful to be interrupted, so, naturally, Pru interrupted it. "Paige! You've got to come see this guy," she exclaimed, physically pulling Paige away from Emily. Paige loved her friend, but her timing sucked. And, when Pru was on a mission, she was oblivious to everything around her. Paige shot Emily a sad smile as Pru led her by the hand and described the "perfect" man whom Hanna had hand-picked for her. "Slow down, Pru! Tell me his name, at least?"
"His name's Sean. He's really cute. I think there used to be something between him and Hanna, but I'm not sure. But I have to give him the friend test, to make sure he has your approval. Just like the time I gave Emily the friend test for you!"
"Um, Pru, are you seriously using the time that Hanna ambushed me and you played along to try to convince me to help you?"
"Whatever! You guys are together, right?"
"Yes, Pru. But that's not why I'm going. I'm going because you're my best friend, and I've always got your back."
"Aww – sweet. Now, back to business. There he is – what do you think? Hi, Sean!"
After what ended up being way too much time at the party, Paige finally found herself in Emily's bed and in her protective embrace, trying to get some sleep. Her heart was fighting the rest of her body; her heart wanting to savor every moment of this last night in Emily's arms, the rest of her body tired beyond belief. She knew that she would need sleep in order to be able to face airport security, airplane food, and the tedious flight that were ahead of her. Usually, flying with Pru meant that Paige could sleep on the plane and leave Pru to engage any chatty seatmates. This time, though, she knew that Pru would want to dissect the Sean Ackard situation in excruciating detail.
Paige and Pru set out for the airport early Saturday morning with Emily at the wheel. Hanna had arranged for Caleb to pick her up, because there wasn't much room to fit the four of them and their luggage in Emily's car. Emily parked in the short-term lot so that she would have more time to say good-by to Paige – as much time as TSA procedures would allow. The check-in line was long and slow-moving, so, even though Emily couldn't go through security and to the gate with Paige, they still had a lot of time together. Most of it was spent in silence, the two of them in a side-embrace, Paige's head on Emily's shoulder. Paige was subdued, but the previous night's sadness was modulated somewhat by her anticipation of family and Christmas. Pru gave them respectful space, knowing that she'd have Paige's ears all to herself once they made it beyond the security barrier.
After check-in, Emily and Paige stood outside the TSA line for as long as they dared, just holding each other and wiping the occasional tear from one another's eye. They kissed, but not as much as they would have liked if they had had more privacy – or if they lived in an era more receptive to love in all of its varieties. Eventually, as Pru got progressively more antsy, pacing back and forth, they separated with a final kiss. Emily watched Paige's progress all the way through the security line until, with a final wave, Paige blew her a kiss and turned down the corridor to the departure gates.
As soon as the plane touched down, Paige switched her phone back on. She and Pru retrieved their carry-ons from the overhead bins and waited for all of the rows of people ahead of them to clear out. Just as Paige was about to ask Pru, jokingly, whether or not it was too soon to call Emily, her phone buzzed to announce a missed call and voice-mail from Emily:
Hey, Babe, I'm about a half hour outside of Rosewood. I know you're on the plane now, so your phone's turned off, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. Give me a call as soon as you land – well, as soon as you get a chance – so that I know you're safe. All right. I love you. I miss you already. Say hi to your family for me.
"Yeah, okay. She's the perfect girlfriend – I get it!" Pru laughed, elbowing Paige's ribs.
It was great to be home. The flurry of activity, catching up with all of the aunts, uncles, and cousins, helped the days pass quickly. Paige and Emily spoke every night. On Christmas day, they skyped, and that was how Paige's parents met Emily's. Soon, Paige was in her dad's SUV, heading to the airport to pick up Emily.
Once she got there, Paige couldn't contain her nervous energy. A smile kept sneaking onto her face as she bounced from one foot to another, scanning each group that thronged out of the terminal to find the only one who mattered. Finally, she saw Emily with a bag over her shoulder, both hands in the pocket of her maxi coat, and her head down, looking as if she had a headache. After a moment, she looked up and saw Paige, and her face brightened. Paige couldn't help herself. She ran over to Emily and grabbed onto her for dear life. In a moment, they were kissing, and things around them seemed to be moving in slow motion. Paige leaned out of the kiss and stroked Emily's hair. "Are you okay? You look as if you have a headache."
"I'm fine," Emily assured her. "Just a bit tired. I'm better now that I see you." She kissed her quickly and they were on their way, hand in hand.
"Are you nervous about meeting my parents?" Paige remembered how she felt on her way to Rosewood for Thanksgiving. Emily just grinned. Paige realized how foolish the question was. Emily thrived on meeting people. She found it energizing, not intimidating. "Oh, yeah. Look whom I'm asking," she smiled.
Nick and Marlene McCullers were genuinely excited to meet their daughter's girlfriend, but the McCullers clan was much more subdued than Emily's family. They warmed to Emily immediately and made her feel welcome. Paige showed her to the guest room and led her to the bathroom to freshen up. Dinner was almost ready, and the plan was to have a "Second Christmas" afterwards, to exchange presents with Emily.
Conversation over dinner was mostly of the "getting to know you" variety. Nick McCullers was very interested in Emily's course of study and her future plans. Paige took Emily's hand under the table, worried that it would feel as though her dad were interviewing Emily for the position of girlfriend – or something more. Emily, though, wasn't uncomfortable in the least, and – no surprise, showed just as much interest in Paige's parents' careers and plans.
"It's odd, isn't it?" Nick pondered out loud, "Both of you only children, both gay, but from different parts of the country, and you wind up together."
Paige shot her dad a searing look. She thought that he had put his homophobia behind him, but, apparently, it was just sleeping beneath the surface. Emily was unfazed. "I guess it does defy the odds a little bit!"
"Well," Nick continued, "I guess you owe me one for convincing Paige to join Pru in college! If she had stayed in Wisconsin the way she originally planned, you two might never have met!" He let out a deep laugh, and Emily joined with him. "Yes," she agreed, raising her water glass in his direction, "I definitely owe you one!"
After dinner, Emily and Paige cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher while Nick and Marlene got everything together for Second Christmas. They gathered around the tree and Nick read the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke, as was their family's tradition. Marlene followed with a prayer for family and friends, old and new, and for peace in the year to come. "Okay," Nick bellowed, "Time for presents!"
Emily gave Paige's parents a "Welcome to Philadelphia" package, including a video overview of the city taken from the air, a book on the city's history, and a Philadelphia-themed version of Monopoly. "Perfect for Nick the Mogul," Marlene joked. The package also included two tickets for a bus tour which Emily promised she and Paige would take with them whenever they made it out to Philly.
Nick and Marlene handed Emily an envelope. Typical Dad, Paige thought, when in doubt, just give cash!
Emily opened the envelope and read the card. There was a gift card for Exxon gas inside. "Oh… This will come in handy," she said graciously. "Thanks!" Paige was puzzled. This was an odd choice, even for her dad.
"Now open your envelope!" Paige's mom was too giddy. Paige knew that something was up, but she had no idea what. She opened her card and squealed. There was a key tucked inside. This time, it was Emily's turn to be puzzled.
"The lake house?" Paige exclaimed, hugging her parents.
"Yeah," Nick replied. "We've had you for the week. You and Emily head up there for the weekend. Your Aunt has it all stocked up with food, firewood – everything you need."
"I'm sure you two will want to exchange your gifts up there," Marlene added, with, seemingly, no awareness of how that statement could be misinterpreted. "Your father and I are heading up to bed. You should get some sleep, too. That way, you can get an early start in the morning."
Paige was in absolute shock. The best that she had been hoping for was sneaking into the guest room to steal a late-night cuddle with Paige. Now, she had a weekend alone in a snowy, secluded lake house to look forward to.
Paige leaned over the console of her mom's car and rested her head on Emily's shoulder. "Does this remind you of another snowy drive to a house in the woods?"
"I was just thinking that!" Emily exclaimed. "Actually," she smiled, "I was thinking – if I'd known, I would've packed some sexier pajamas…"
"I'm surprised my parents didn't give you lingerie instead of gas money."
"Maybe that's up at the cabin. Your dad did say that your aunt left everything we'd need!"
"At this point, nothing would surprise me!"
"Hey! Wake up! Is this the place?"
Paige took a moment to shake off her grogginess and then broke out into a smile. "This is the place!"
"It's huge!"
"Right? This place is great for family get-togethers. My Dad comes from a large family, so there were always plenty of cousins around. I always wondered whether that's the reason that I'm an only child – kids from big families wish that they were only children."
"By that logic, I take it you want a large family?"
Paige just responded with a shy grin and a kiss to Emily's cheek. She grabbed her by the hand and led her into the house. They had the whole weekend ahead of them to discuss family size.
Emily got a fire going while Paige poked around the kitchen to see what their options were. In no time, she and Emily were sitting in front of the fire, munching on soup and bread.
"It was really nice of your parents to get the house for us, wasn't it?"
"Yes, it really was."
"I mean, especially considering that they don't even know me."
"No, but they know all about you. We talk about you a lot."
"Should I be worried?" Emily joked.
Paige dipped her head.
"Okay, Paige. I know that look. What is it?"
"Well, maybe you should be worried, but not for the reasons you'd think." Paige paused a while before she continued. Emily held her hand encouragingly. "I was a real loner growing up. I mean, being an only child made you really social, always seeking friendships. It turned me inward. My parents were always so busy, so I had to learn how to be alone."
"Paige, that's so sad."
"No, not really. I enjoy my own company," Paige joked. "Seriously, I never felt lonely. Well, hardly ever. But it was really hard for me to let people in and become friends with them. My parents were really worried about me in junior high and high school – when people start forming their social circles. I told them that I was okay, that I wasn't missing anything – and I really wasn't. But they were worried that I would end up an old maid, because I never dated. They were shocked when I first came out, but, after a while, they were kind of relieved, you know? Like, now that it was out in the open that I liked girls, maybe I could finally start dating. But it didn't work out that way. So, now you're here – the answer to their prayers; finally, someone who would date me. I think they want to make sure I don't screw things up with you, because, to them, you're like the best shot they've ever had at getting grandchildren." Paige managed to get all of this out without dipping her head, although she was actively avoiding Emily's eyes. Once it was all said, Paige focused on the circles that she was making with her spoon on the bottom of her empty soup bowl.
"Wow. That's really heavy."
"I bet you want to run away now," Paige timidly half-joked.
"Come here, you!" Emily pulled Paige in for a hug and held her for a long time. "I'm not going anywhere." She pulled just far enough apart from Paige to look deep into her eyes and reinforce the words that she'd just spoken with a lingering kiss. "I love you, Paige McCullers."
"And I love you, Emily! Sometimes, I'm just amazed that you're with me."
"I know. That's how I feel about you. I'm amazed that we found each other."
After lunch, the girls found a bottle of wine that Paige's aunt had left, an old blanket to curl up in, and a deck of cards.
"Do you want to play Blackjack for penalties?"
"How does that work?"
"That's how my cousins and I used to play. If you lose a hand, you have to pay a penalty – like, go out in the snow barefoot, or lick the bottom of the winner's shoe – stupid stuff like that."
"Hmm… I didn't know you had this sadistic streak, McCullers!"
"Well, the penalty doesn't have to be bad!"
"What do you mean?"
"Deal the cards, and you'll find out!"
"Pretty sure you're going to beat me, huh?"
True to her word, Paige won the first hand. "So what's my penalty?"
"Your penalty is: – A hickey on the neck!" Paige claimed a spot on Emily's neck and enforced the penalty, drawing a low, deep moan. "Do we really have to play?" Emily asked, "Can't we just take turns giving out penalties?"
"Where's the fun in that?"
"Oh, I think we'd have plenty of fun!"
Emily lost the next two hands and had to give Paige a shoulder rub and a foot massage for penalties. When she won the fourth hand, she took some time to try to come up with a good penalty. "Okay, stand up and turn around!" she commanded, and Paige complied. Emily stood, too. After a second, Emily went on, "I've hidden a card somewhere on my body. You have to find it." Paige rolled her eyes and reached for Emily's breasts. "Oh. You know me too well, Paige."
"Nice try. You just wanted me to give you a full body search, didn't you?" Paige asked, turning Emily around, slowly running her hands up and down, all over Emily's body.
"Mmmmm… You really do know me well."
Paige continued caressing Emily with her left hand while, with her right hand, she lifted Emily's hair to the side, clearing the area so that she could plant gentle wet kisses around her neck and shoulders. Soon, her left hand began to work from inside Emily's sweater, and, soon, the sweater was off.
"So, I take it Blackjack for Penalties is officially over?" Emily asked between moans.
"Yes," Paige asserted, spinning Emily around and unbuttoning her jeans as she kissed her way down Emily's chest and abdomen, "It's so over. Just like this conversation."