CHAPTER XII
Escape. It was a concept that lingered in the mind of the Joker, day in, day out. It was a concept, an imperative, essential to his mission on the outside. Formulation of the various methods by which he could do so took up most of his thoughts. He observed guards, cameras, even other inmates. He had already discovered that Harley would at least be part of his way out. He knew that she wanted to be with him, and he didn't want it any other way. They would be lovers in crime. He almost wanted to laugh, but the sound had grown tiresome and stale to his ears. He rid himself of boredom through various and oftentimes stupid ways, to maintain the whole happy façade.
For extreme example, as he was walking through the cell blocks to find another prisoner to mock, he came across Oswald Cobblepot, AKA the Penguin. A man with a face reminiscent of Danny DeVito, the Penguin was a corrupt businessman with a strange (some would say sexual) fascination with all things avian. He was called the Penguin for his stature and deformed hands. The Joker stood in front of his cell door and fixed his eyes on the Penguin's feet, dangling over the concrete floor of the cell. The Penguin eventually sneered and said, "What are you looking at?" The Joker looked up with his forever grin and replied, "Oh, your feet. They're just so cute, just…hanging there!" Presently, the Penguin dropped down to the floor and said loudly, "There is nothing cute about me!" "Oh, I beg to differ," said the Joker gleefully, looking at the Penguin's height of five feet.
"So, Batman put you here, right?" asked the Joker. "As a matter of fact, he did," said the Penguin resentfully, "What's it to you?" The Joker howled with laughter and said, "What'd you try to do to him? Toss some of your birds at him?" "I shot at him with a Tommy gun!" shouted the Penguin. The Joker doubled over, still laughing, saying, "That must have looked hilarious! I can imagine it now…" The Joker Got down on his knees and started performing mock recoil of a Tommy gun. "Oh," said the Joker, "did you try to shoot out his kneecaps? Wait, of course you did. That was all you could aim for!" "Ah, just shut up and go away, you clown!" shouted the Penguin. "Okay, my tuxedoed friend," said the Joker, "just promise me this: don't let the sea lion get you!" The Penguin charged at his cell door, slamming up against the bars.
The Penguin stood on his tiptoes and shouted after the Joker, "I'll *#$% kill you, I swear! I'll *#$% kill you!" The Joker simply flipped him off and walked away backwards. Turning on his heel at the corner, he went back inside his cell, the guard behind him bewildered at the conversation he just witnessed. As the guard closed the cell door behind the Joker, the Joker sat down, facing the wall, staring once again at the photos pinned to it. The guard, severely unnerved, shuffled back to his regular post. The Joker did admit his enjoyment of his caged home was increasing, but the fact remained that he had to get out. He had to rid the world of those officials who would ruin Gotham. These things paired together meant he had even more reason to let himself get caught. The fun of his mission would eventually end, and so, he would come back here, content.
The next day, he was going to lunch with his henchmen, as usual. The cooking at Arkham was one significant downer. Again, though he was plagued with incurable insanity, he was still somehow refined, and he was sickened by what he had to taste every day. The Penguin was skulking around that day, mumbling angrily. While walking towards a table, he came across Selina Kyle, otherwise known as Catwoman. He stopped and said to her, "Hey, is it true that you were killed and then resurrected by cats?" "No," she said seductively, "I just like cats." She hissed at the Joker, and he raised one eyebrow, walking away, saying, "Okay, then. Guess she's serious about the whole 'Catwoman' thing."
That day at lunch, the Joker and his men were silent. Out of the four of them, none had any reason for this. It was almost as if some grim event was being foreshadowed by still tongues. They simply ate their lunch, no questions or statements or even grunts issued. The Joker was quite honestly scared. Everything was a queer mix. Even guards were shifting constantly, eyes darting throughout the whole of the room. Arkham's darkness fell on the hearts of all present. The Joker restlessly bounced his leg and drummed his fingers, abandoning his lunch. Smiley noticed the Joker's odder than usual behavior and said, "Hey, boss, are you okay?" "No," said the Joker. "Why?" asked Smiley. "Because something seems very wrong," said the Joker.
How right he was. For, as he said this, he was unaware of one guard with his eyes fixed on the back of his head. This guard had been working at Arkham for nearly seven years, waiting on orders from his boss. No, not the warden. This guard had a different, bigger boss. He wasn't the only one. There were more guards under the same employer, but he didn't know who. Their boss was too careful. He was an exile of Gotham, and now he wanted Gotham to pay for it. He had names of people that he would use to exact his revenge. Sure, Joe Chill had heard four of them, and he passed the info onto somebody. But it wasn't like he could do anything now.
The guard approached the Joker, knowing that today was the day that he would fulfill his orders. The Joker, seeing the guard approach him, said, "Let me guess. You've been watching me all day to make sure I wouldn't do anything." The guard didn't respond to the Joker's question, instead saying, "Take the gun afterwards." "After what?" asked the Joker. The guard took his gun and pressed it to his chin. He fired. The guards and other inmates were stunned, not moving. The Joker recovered quicker than most, grabbing the gun and tossing it to Smiley. "Take it," said the Joker, "and use it." "Why don't you, boss?" asked Smiley. "Gun's are lazy," said the Joker, "If weapons were art, a gun would be a Jackson Pollock piece. Besides, I don't have to kill them. You do. Now start shooting!"
Smiley immediately obeyed, rapidly firing at the guards, killing most and severely injuring others. Kami and Chester ran to the dead guards and took their guns, while Smiley grabbed another one as well. They relentlessly opened fire. The Joker took Chester by the arm and said, "Come on. We're going to pick someone up." They headed down the halls, eventually coming across a panicked Harleen Quinzel. She stopped dead in front of the Joker and said, "You're breaking out?" "Yes," said Chester in his northern London accent, "and this guy here has…feelings for you…I guess…so you're coming along." Harley undid her hair, took off her glasses, grinned wide, and said in her New Jersey accent, "Then come here!" She pulled the Joker towards herself, smothering him with kisses.
Chester sighed heavily, watching awkwardly. "Boss," he finally said, tired of the display of psychotic passion he wished he hadn't witnessed. The Joker pushed Harley away, saying, "Right, right. Harley, how's about we finish this later, and focus on getting out now." "Whatever you say," she said giddily. Kami and Smiley ran down towards them, and Kami said, "Are we taking the wench?" "Yes," said the Joker, "and she's not a wench…she's…marginally close to a lady. Maybe a little less…" "Boss, seriously," said Smiley impatiently, "we have to go!" "Of course," said the Joker, "but first, I need to grab something." He ran away, soon returning with a straightjacket. "Why do you need that?" asked Kami. "Because I need a new look," said the Joker, "and this sort of feels comforting now. Now we can go."
They ran down the halls leading towards the exit, Smiley, Kami, and Chester gunning down any guards that got in the way. They eventually burst through the doors with only minutes to spare before a SWAT team arrived. They broke into a car and drove towards a clothing store. Upon entering the store, Smiley fired a round into the air, announcing their presence. The Joker stood on the front counter and shouted, "ALRIGHT, DO YOU PEOPLE CARRY…" At this time, the Joker noticed there was a scared employee hiding underneath the counter. He immediately jumped off the counter and stood in front, acting as if he was a regular customer. He began, "Hey, you, under the counter. I have a question."
The employee shakily stood up, saying, "Yes?" The Joker said, "Do you carry purple pants?" The employee seemed utterly confused. "So," he said, "you're not here for the money in the register?" The Joker laughed heartily and said, "No, of course not! I'm simply here for some of the wares you store here. You know I can't rock this!" He indicated his prison jumpsuit. "Orange," he continued, "It's just…no. So, back to my earlier question, do you happen to have purple pants? You know, the kind you see at weddings, just…in an unorthodox color." The employee gulped and walked towards a rack of pants which were of the kind the Joker mentioned, and in several colors. He pulled out a purple pair, handing it to the Joker. "Ah, yes," he said, "This'll do it. Also, I'm going to take a look at the shoes you have here…"
After the Joker got all his things, his henchmen also decided to update their garb. Chester went for a British greaser look, with a leather jacket and black leather shoes to boot. Kami took a tuxedo and leather shoes as well. Smiley, however, went to another place that sold combat fatigues, of which he took a black set. The Joker had cut the sleeves of his straightjacket to the elbows and spray-painted it purple, putting a flower in it as well. After he let it dry, he donned his new clothes and said to his entourage, "Alright, next stop: a costume store!"
They went to the best costume store in Gotham, the Joker grabbing a Cheshire Cat mask for Chester, a smiley-face mask for Smiley, and a mask depicting an anime-style character smiling for Kami. As well as that, he grabbed makeup and hair-dye. He went to the restroom and came back with red makeup smeared on his mouth in the shape of a smile, white makeup all over his face, and green hair. His henchmen all stared. The Joker said, "Oh, come on! I'm the Joker! This is perfect! Now, Harley!" Harley had nearly been forgotten by the rest of the group. The Joker beckoned her forward and examined her face. He eventually put on a voice like that of a male fashion designer and said, "Oh, no, this won't do at all! How about a little makeup?"
The Joker immediately began working on her face, applying white makeup on the majority and black around her eyes, finishing with black lipstick. "That's it!" he said, "Alright, and finally: guns!" He squawked and ran like an ostrich out the door, skidding to a stop just outside. They went to a gun store where Smiley took a pair of Colt .45s, Chester took a sniper rifle, and Kami took a sub-machine gun and a katana. All geared up, they exited the store, knowing they wouldn't have to wait long for the police to arrive. "Alright, boys and girl," said the Joker, "It's time for us to disappear for a while!" They ran down an alley towards the inner parts of the city, the Joker already thinking of his mission ahead, and how it should be executed.