CHAPTER XVI
My mind was clouded by thoughts of failure and disappointment, all directed towards myself. I really thought I could protect everyone, I thought, regardless of what they'd done in the past. Look where that's gotten me. But still, I knew I had to carry on, otherwise it would be all for naught and Batman would go down in history as the coward in Gotham pretending to be a hero. So instead of just giving up, I went to Wayne Enterprises to talk with Lucius. When I got there, Lucius let me in, and I looked him in the eye and said, "Lucius, I don't think I'm a hero." Lucius shrugged and said, "Well, look at it this way, Bruce: in reality, no one is. They call a war hero a war hero because he shot a few guys or stole something from his enemy. That was just his job. It's the same with firemen and police officers and even you. While they are doing good, they're just doing their job, or in your case what you know you should do. There really aren't any heroes. There are just those who do evil and those who do good." I looked down at the floor.
His statement gave me new perspective, and I moved on, saying, "Do you have any good tracking devices I can use? I figure it's better than sitting on roofs for three or more days." Lucius laughed and said, "Indeed, I do. Just like always, I knew you'd need them eventually, so I've been working on these babies for a few days now." He held up a small bottle of a clear liquid. I raised my eyebrows and said, "This? This is what you're using as a tracking device?" He said, "Well, it's more like a tracking substance. It naturally emits a signal that can be picked up by this." He held up a device about the size of a Samsung Galaxy S4. No, it was a Samsung Galaxy S4. "Is that an app?" I asked. "Yep," he said, handing it to me, "Drink the stuff in here." He handed me the bottle, and I hesitated. I downed it, resisted the urge to gag. Upon swallowing it, I said, "That is terrible. Can't you at least work on the flavor?" "No," said Lucius, "but you should see the signal right about…now." I looked down at the phone, seeing a small red blip exactly where I was.
"So how long does this stuff stay in your system?" I asked. "A few days," said Lucius, "Probably more than enough time to survey whoever you're investigating. Just pour the stuff in their drink, and all they'll notice is the taste is a little off." I nodded and said, "Not bad. How much do you have?" Lucius brought over a suitcase, opening it. There was about eighty bottles of the stuff. "That'll do it, I think," I said, "Thank you." As I left, Lucius said, "By the way, Bruce: you may not be a hero, but like I've said before, you're doing good. Don't give up on yourself." I nodded and walked out, going back to Wayne Manor. Upon arriving, Dick looked towards the suitcase and said, "What's that? And where'd you get a Galaxy S4?" "Oh, it's from Lucius," I said. I told him how it worked and showed him the stuff. "Okay," said Dick, "but if you stick that in my Coke, I'll notice." "It would certainly keep you from going on any more joyrides," I said. "I'm not going to live that down, am I?" said Dick. I said, "I think not." He sighed and walked to his room.
I went to Alfred and said, "So, how's it been? I haven't really stopped to talk to you in a while." "Oh, quite alright, Master Wayne," said Alfred, "no harm done. I understand what it's like to be overwhelmed with one's work. But to answer your question, it's been quite different, however not unpleasantly so. It's certainly become more exciting around here, and Master Grayson has given me enough to do. Speaking of which, no one should ever realize that there were any avian entrails on the Batmobile's hood after the cleaning I gave it." "Well," I said, "Sometimes it just takes a butler's touch, I guess." "If that isn't the truth, then I don't know what is, Master Wayne," said Alfred, smiling. I laughed and said, "You know, you've said he's like me. Give me some examples, come on." Alfred smirked and said, "Oh, I can think of a few." I waited for Alfred to begin, and I wasn't disappointed.
He expounded with many events from my first ten years of life that brought a reminiscent smile to my face. It turns out I was quite possibly more mischievous than Dick. We continued with this conversation for a long time, until Dick ran in, saying frantically, "Guys, Lucius is on the phone. Something big has come up." I stood up and gestured for the phone. He handed it to me and I said, "What's up, Lucius?" Lucius replied, "Turn on the news." I walked into the TV room and turned it on, seeing the anchorman saying, "…tape the police received was addressed to the vigilante known as Batman. Commissioner Gordon refuses to comment. Meanwhile, we're still awaiting reports on…" I turned off the TV, saying to Lucius, "Thanks." I hung up and looked towards Dick and Alfred, saying, "I'm heading to the police. Dick, to the Batcave!" Dick furrowed his brow and said, "Why did you say that? You sound like a superhero from the 1930s." "I don't know," I said, "I guess it just sort of spur-of-the-moment." Dick shook his head and said, "It still doesn't make any sense." I shrugged.
We quickly went to the Batcave, Dick and I deftly donning a headset and the Batman suit, respectively. I hopped into the Batmobile, stopping from closing it to say, "No popcorn this time." Dick sighed and said, "Alright then." I closed the Batmobile and drove away, while Dick, unbeknownst to me, took the microphone away from his face and Sour Patch Kids out of his pocket, saying, "This'll have to do." He put his feet up on the desk and popped a blue Sour Patch Kid into his mouth while I drove towards the police HQ. Upon arriving, I walked straight up to Jim and said, "Where's the tape?" "We were waiting for you," said Jim, "We have it set up in the next room." I walked in onto the image of the Joker sitting on a barstool and dressed like Jack Torrance. "Play it," said Jim. The first words to exit the Joker's mouth were, "HEEEEEEEERE'S JOKER! Just a little The Shining reference for you, there. Anyway, I wanted to get pleasantries out of the way. So, Batman, how are things? I've been good. I'm going to give you the lay of the land." Somehow, in that moment, his smile became even creepier.
The Joker went on to say, "It's occurred to me, Batman, that we haven't met outside of Arkham yet! And no, when you met the Red Hood at Augere, that wasn't technically me. So put that out of your mind. I think now is a good time to meet. And, as a matter of fact, I happen to be at Augere! How 'bout that! Now, I'm sure you already know I'm not hiding out here, it would be too obvious. Also, I'll tell you how I'm choosing my victims. Smiley, bring it out!" Smiley proceeded to wheel in…a pachinko ball game. "See?" said the Joker, "Random. Wherever the ball lands, that's who bites it. You were lucky to figure it out these last couple of times." My understanding of how erratic the Joker really was broadened. He continued, "Anyway, I want you to meet me here at your earliest convenience. I'll be waiting." I looked towards Jim and said, "Don't come with me. The Joker has no fears. The situation will just get worse." "Fine," said Jim, "but be careful." "When am I not?" I said, walking away.
I went to the Augere building, noting that Kami was on the roof, rifle loaded. I knew there wasn't any way for me to disarm him, so I was forced to go inside. I found the Joker in the same position he was in the video. He looked towards me and said, "Sorry. I told you I'd wait. I'm afraid the entirety of my body from the neck down is asleep. Push me over." "What?" I said. "Push me over," said the Joker, "Come on, I know you've been thinking it. This'll be fun." I gingerly approached the Joker and did as he said. He landed on his left arm, yelling, "WAKEY, WAKEY, NERVES!" It was severely strange and awkward, as you would expect. A minute later, the Joker stood up saying, "Alright. That's better. Now we can talk." He assumed an offensive karate position, his face a mask of psychotic glee and determination. I went into my own stance, causing the Joker to say, "I should probably tell you now I don't actually know karate. I just saw this in a Bruce Lee movie." With that, he lunged towards me, and the fight began.
He started with a swift downward strike, which I blocked with a batarang, kicking him backwards. He then creatively took off his shirt, after which he said, "I saw that in a Jean-Claude van Damme movie." I went forward, jumping and letting my foot go towards his head. He formed a cross with his arms and threw me off, making me compensate and spin, landing with a skid. The Joker said, "This is starting to get fun." I had to admit, it kind of was. I sent a hard punch to the Joker's face, with the Joker ducking at the last second and sending his elbow to my chin, knocking me back. "Well, now it's just getting boring," said the Joker. I was annoyed, and I went at him again, this time cautiously. I feinted with one fist while driving the other into his gut. He doubled over, spitting up some blood. He looked up at me and said, "I like you. You're not afraid to get dirty." His eyes squinted maliciously.
We traded blows for several minutes afterwards, with both of us ending up with bloodied faces and bruised bodies. The Joker sighed, cracked his neck vertebrae, and said, "I think this should come to an end, though it's been fun. I'll see you some other time, and I leave you with this hint…he may be useful on the field, but if captured, it isn't very good for his side…or rather, his former side." I had no idea what it meant, and it swirled in my brain as the Joker walked away. The thing was, he didn't tell me what he was hinting at. This left me at a loss, though it was certain that he was talking of one of his targets. I went back to the Batmobile, driving towards Wayne Manor. When I got to the Batcave and got out of the Batmobile, Dick took one look at me and said, "It sounded pretty rough. Are you doing okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine," I said, "Nothing I can't handle." Dick said, "All the same, we should get you some ice packs." "Yeah, that would help," I groaned.
As we walked in, Alfred's eyes widened and he said, "What ever happened?" I explained what had happened at Augere, and the fact that the Joker walked away in better condition than I. Alfred said, "Alright, sit down there, and Master Grayson and I'll get you some ice packs." I sat down, groaning. I didn't realize what kind of a number the Joker did until that moment. When Dick and Alfred came back, I said, "Hey, can you get me the files for all his possible targets?" "Of course, Master Wayne," said Alfred. I put an ice pack on my face while I waited. Eventually, Alfred came back with the files, and I perused them, the Joker's 'hint' in mind. All of the targets didn't match up with it, although I had a thought. An impossible thought. I said to Alfred, "Can you get me the rest of the list? You know, the list of all important people in the city?" Alfred nodded.
When Alfred got back with the list, he asked, "Why did you need all the names, Master Wayne?" "Because I just came up with an answer to the Joker's hint," I replied. I went through all the names until I came to the solution I knew, or at least thought, couldn't be what the Joker was speaking of. "This is it," I said eventually. "Why him?" said Alfred. "The hint was like the Joker was referring to chess," I said. In front of me I held a photo of Harvey Dent.