Chapter 9: Incomplete Sentiments
Derwin hummed a light, tuneless song as he continued to write at a feverish speed. Esther was trying to concentrate and match his furious pace with her own, drowning out his voice and her own annoyance with her work. She completed a rough sketch of the Darkwing, putting in some effort for the detail so that the artist eventually hired by the publisher would be able to get an idea of the size and elegance of the creature.
Her mind put to work, she did not notice that the tavern keeper had started clearing the empty tables and the porter took away the empty dishes around them and what was left of dinner. She had asked for more candles for light and saké for her nerves. The tavern keeper saw no issue with leaving the pair alone as their server swept and locked up their shop. Adjoining the tavern was the inn on Ta-hee-tee Island, so it was at least convenient to go from one to the other.
She had looked forward to a hot bath and a change out of her seawater soaked clothing as she trekked through the steamy jungle with her companions. Mr. Drippy had explained the situation to his Mother, who allowed their guests to stay on the fairy island for as long as they needed. After getting an earful from Derwin about the variations of fairies categorized in the up and coming encyclopedia, Mr. Drippy dropped off Derwin and Esther at the inn and muttered something about hanging out with "more interesting people, mun," leaving the two researchers to themselves. Marcassin and Swaine were assisting the crew with repairs and transporting food to the camp and she had not seen them since parting ways in town.
Still a bit embarrassed about what had transpired on the beach, Esther welcomed the time apart.
Now, both she and Derwin were working quite late but had finished several chapters in the meantime.
"I can't wait to go to Nazcaa," Derwin explained dreamily. "I know you've been there, my dear, but I doubt you really took the time to study things . Separated from the rest of the continents, I wondered what the wildlife has been up to these past millennia?" he wondered out loud. "The evolutionary changes must be completely unique!"
"It's true we were most looking for clues about the White Witch while defending ourselves," mused Esther. "So we didn't get much of a chance to study the indigenous wildlife, seeing as even some of the plant life was hell-bent on killing us."
"I can't wait to explore the cliffs and geography there," he said excitedly, her sarcasm completely lost on him.
"Derwin please," she said evenly, maintaining her composure though underneath it was all she could do from letting her limit-tested frustrations pour out. "If you find the need to fall into a puddle, lake, river, ocean or any body of water again, I promise I will not go after you. You'd best be prepared for an untimely demise."
"Well, I never…" he said in a huff, looking down at his manuscript again and starting up his writing anew. Esther sighed as her traveling companion proceeded to ignore her for the remainder of the night.
"I'm going out for some air," she announced to nobody in particular and left his cold shoulder for the warm embrace of the island breeze. She wandered to the now empty amphitheater, where that night's native performance of odd jokes and bizarre comedy routines had ended hours earlier. She sat on the stage, legs dangling over the side. Her long hair, left undone in this island humidity, shining gold in the torchlight. There were still travelers and fairies milling about in the main paths, proclaiming an active night life amid the lanterns and torches. Pulling out the volume of summoning spells from her pouch as well as the Darkwing's orb she continued to study them both quietly. Holding up the orb as it glowed warmly in her hand she silently went over the incantation and tried to reach out with her mind to the spirit within.
"It's not as though I expect to be a proficient at this on the first try. I'm simply not a spirit user," she lamented out loud. "You may tire of me, Xantus, if I can't do it right." The orb glowed warmly in response. Though it seemed tame now, Esther knew that one wrong word in the incantation could make it extremely grumpy. It was, after all, a wild spirit.
"Just promise you won't eat me if I make you angry," she sighed. The light green glow flickered merrily.
"It's not amusing," smirked Esther in response.
"I'd say the image of you talking to a rock is very amusing," chuckled Swaine from one of the entrances of the theater.
She looked up and scowled. "You need to stop eavesdropping on people's conversations."
"Can't help it, darlin'. It's what I do," he shrugged nonchalantly. "But it seems falling into the ocean and being shipwrecked is the least of your problems if you're talkin' to rocks now. Can't sleep?"
"I haven't been able to sleep much on the road. I keep thinking about…things. Traveling in Autumnia was the worst, though. There's something about that land that gives me the chills, and leads me to dark thoughts." she confessed. "It's a little better here on the island. The air doesn't feel as sinister or…"
"Or?" asked Swaine as he sat on the stage with her and looked up at the stars.
"Sad." Esther looked up at the stars and smiled at their peaceful calm. "There's something sad about Autumnia's atmosphere. Like the ghosts of the past are telling their stories in the wind but no one listens."
"That is sad," admitted Swaine quietly. He traced a line in his mind across a familiar grouping of stars and smiled at the memory of his father showing him the constellation for the first time. "My father, was a great ruler. My brother will be an even better one," he said. Esther sensed the pride in his words. "Autumnia will change as Hamelin prospers. I believe it. After my investigation into the ore smuggling is over, I'm going to propose some trade routes to Perdida."
"My, look at you, hard at work. Will wonders never cease?" she smiled. "I'm sure your brother will appreciate your effort."
"Your vote of confidence is overwhelming," he said ruefully, rubbing the stubble on his chin. "I like to keep busy and travel. Staying in the palace was never really my thing. Even as as child I wanted nothing but one adventure after another and I knew I didn't have a talent for spell casting like Marcassin. Though I was the older, it was inevitable that I wouldn't be the next Emperor."
"We all know Marcassin tried to protect you by hiding his talents," agreed Esther. "He probably knew you would leave one day."
"I'm sure of it. My little brother has always been fiercely protective of those he loves." He shared a knowing smile in her direction. Esther looked away.
"Then you'd better continue to do things that deserve it," she said quietly.
"You took the words right out of my mouth," he smirked. She pretended not to know his meaning when he continued, "Ah, to be young and in love," smiled Swaine. "I've given up on that for myself. Freedom is what I crave the most. Freedom to make good and bad choices and live with the consequences. My life has been hard away from Hamelin and I've done things I'm not proud of, but I wouldn't give that up for anything. My brother has always been the wiser one, and I have hopes that he can still be happy even though he's bound to everything there." Esther shifted uncomfortably.
There was no way she could reveal to her friend her own troubles. She barely knew how to describe it but it felt as though something inside was broken. The Darkwing's orb glowed quietly in her hand, as if it was the only soul who could identify with the grim feeling inside of her.
"He seems to have grown into the Emperor's seat quite well," Esther changed the subject once again. "To think that such a cute little boy would grow up to be a Great Sage…." she sighed. "I'm still envious."
"Is that the extent of all you feel for him, then?" asked Swaine quietly. "Friendly concern and a little envy?"
Esther turned a sour expression at him. "What would you have me say, Swaine? How can I feel anything else, when my heart isn't even here?" Her hand went up to her chest if only to confirm the steady beats that were still there.
"Does it belong to someone else, perhaps?" he asked gingerly. Esther blinked back a puzzled expression. He was not understanding what it was she was trying to say. What I mean is my heart is incapable of feeling more….
"Am I interrupting something?" Marcassin's steady voice carried directly to them in the stone amphitheater and Esther perceived the irritation in his voice.
"I was just leaving," said Swaine without missing a beat and dusting off his clothes as he stood. "I'm turning in for the night, my dear." He gave a bow with a flourish. "Don't sleep too late, kids. The repairs might be done by tomorrow and the sooner we leave, the sooner I can get back to what I was doing in Hamelin." Swaine waved without looking back and the night swallowed up his retreating form.
"Miss Esther, I...didn't mean to interrupt anything…" his words faltered uncharacteristically.
"Don't worry about it. Your brother makes his entrances and exits on a whim. We weren't talking about anything important anyway." She was hiding something behind her expression but Marcassin did not press further. Instead he looked down and saw he orb and book in her hands.
"Practicing?" he asked curiously.
"More like memorization," she sighed. "I've never done this before and I can't see my first attempt being flawless. I just don't want to summon him here out of worry he might burn down the island."
Marcassin chuckled. "Let's start with the basics then." He jumped up gracefully onto the stone stage and extended a hand towards her. She was pulled up to her feet effortlessly and both of them blushed when they realized their proximity.
"I remember feeling this way when we were about to dance," Esther uttered without really thinking.
"Feeling like what?" He tilted his head in curiosity.
"Fluttery," she answered for lack of a better word. "I was so afraid I was going to step on your toes and prove to be the worst dancing partner you've ever had."
"To the contrary," he said, almost a whisper in her ear, "you were the most admirable partner." The warmth on her cheek was no longer coming from the night air and she stepped back uncomfortably. Part of her wanted to run away, the other part wanted to leap into his arms and…
And what…? To her dismay, she could not finish the thought.
Her attention was drawn back to him as he began to explain the basic magic circle for summoning. The cardinal directions were important as each spirit had an affinity. In her case, the Darkwing was a fire elemental spirit. But it was a cold, everburn fire so it was not wholly attributed with the direction of the rising sun. So the direction east was important but not the sole ruling direction, he explained further. He made other remarks about the spirit being reborn from a deceased being, and therefore it was also ruled by the moon, and the direction west. Marcassin turned the pages until he found the correct summoning circle and explained why she must always use the correct circle with the proper incantation, otherwise she would lose control over the spirit, or, it would break through the spirit barrier with only half its power. She could, of course, intentionally limit its power with varying versions of the summon circle, he pointed out and dog-eared the pages for her to review.
"Let's try it," he said at last, and Esther looked at him warily.
"Try what?" she asked.
"A basic circle without the incantation." Before she could reply he led her to the center of the stone stage and stood behind her, both hands on her shoulders as he spoke into one ear. Esther could not help feeling more than a little self-conscious.
As Marcassin continued to speak to her, she closed her eyes and concentrated, gathering her magical energy around her and raising her arms slowly as the picture of the circle etched into her mind and reflected onto the ground beneath her feet. Her familiars, hidden in a separate fold of this dimension started to react, and she could feel them gathering towards her, wondering if she was going to call for them.
"It is not unlike familiar magic," said Marcassin quietly, as if reading her thoughts. "You are just tapping into a different energy source in a different realm, the spirit realm, where gods and demons reside. This is why it is important to call forth an accurate and complete incantation otherwise it will not work, or worse, you will not be able to properly open or close the gate between realms."
"I see," said Esther steadily as the gathering energy encircled them, swirling in one direction within the barrier.
"Do not forget to breathe," smiled Marcassin and she proceeded to take a deep breath after realizing she had been holding it. Her hands started to shake with inexperience and both his hands reached out to steady hers.
"Confidence is the other half of the equation. The spirits will not come forward if they have no trust in your ability, therefore, when you call them forth and reiterate the pact you have with them, you must be confident."
"A-Alright," she said warily as she could feel the warmth of power flowing from his hands into hers. He extended his aura to the circle around them and she could feel his presence everywhere. Her entire body warmed to it. Marcassin slowly deconstructed the circle, as if carefully showing her how it was to be done when the summon was complete.
"Closing the gate is important and when you are fighting, you only have seconds to do it. So do it correctly."
"U-Understood," she stammered as their mixed auras dwindled and disappeared, and the circle was erased. She sighed wearily and as if he understood her feelings, Marcassin squeezed her shoulders in reassurance. "It becomes easier with practice and though it does require a degree of concentration, you will easily summon the Darkwing with further study. Do not give up."
He stepped back and released her as she turned around to face him.
"You are an excellent teacher, Marcassin. Patient and extremely kind," she said shyly.
And extremely warm hearted and generous…. she thought as she ruminated on the feeling of their auras mixing together. There was a warmth about him that would make anyone want to be enveloped in it forever.
"You are my only student," he smiled in kind. "I could make time to teach you anytime you like."
"Thank you, Marcassin. But I couldn't possibly intrude on your time any more than I already have. Your ministers will be very upset to learn you have been shipwrecked with me here."
"I have already sent a letter to them via Ta-Hee-Tee mail carrier. They will not despair for long. I would like to go with you to meet the White Witch, her Highness Queen Casseiopeia, but I will return to Hamelin shortly thereafter. Sadly, I will not be able to finish your journey with you," he sighed resignedly.
"You've helped me so much already. I truly appreciate it. And your brother too," she smiled. "I've been traveling with Derwin for a year now without incident, so as long as we don't let him on the deck of a ship, I can promise I won't be jumping into any more bodies of water," she said solemnly.
"Good," he said, only somewhat reassured. "Esther…" he lingered on his name as if he could not complete the words.
"Yes?" she asked. Without another word he clasped her hands in his and tugged so that both were forced to step closer.
"Might you…" he began again. "Would I be too bold to suggest…."
"Yes?" she asked. For once Marcassin was truly struggling with his words. She expressed her concern by placing a hand on his forearm but that seemed to make it worse. Esther pulled her hand back but he quickly clasped it again in his own.
"Esther…" he said finally, and looking into her eyes.
"M-Marcassin…" she responded, confused that they were suddenly so close and wondering when they had dropped the formalities. He perked up at the sound of his name on her lips.
"Say it again!" he nearly commanded.
"What?" she asked, truly confused.
"My name! Say it, please!" he entreated and held her hands tightly in his.
"M-Marcassin," she repeated and a broad smile came to his lips.
"I want you to always call me by my name, no matter where we are or who is listening. Please, Esther." The tone of his voice and expression on his face was nothing short of exuberant. She realized he was still child-like in many ways.
"Sure," she said, as she tried to pull back but he would not let her go.
"I was not in jest when I offered you a position in my court when your assignment with Queen Cowlipha is over. I truly enjoy being with you, and not just because I owe you my life's debt. I enjoy eating sweets with you and I enjoy reading in the library and having coffee with you. I enjoy our conversations and I enjoy helping you. Esther, you are kind, beautiful and powerful and I would gladly offer you everything I have - everything I am," he said in a softer tone, holding her hand over his heart.
Oh no…. He's going to….
"You are everything I want in a w-," he started, but she abruptly cut him off.
"Wait!" she cried out in desperation. "Please wait. Please," she begged. Her sudden outburst completely silenced him. His wide-eyed shock was even more unbearable than his silence.
"Please don't…." she began. "I can't….." Now it was her turn to desperately struggled for the right words.
"Don't be offended," Esther insisted. "But I can't stay with you in Hamelin. So please don't propose anything that we will both regret."
"Do you not know," he responded softly, his eyes growing sadder by the second, "that I love you?"
"I can't reciprocate, Marcassin. My heart," she grasped for an explanation. "It can't love you. There's something wrong-" Despite her words, she distinctly felt as though a part of her was breaking. His hands dropped down to his sides and he stepped back without meeting her eyes.
Oh no…
"I see," he said quietly and turned away. He looked up and smiled at her kindly. "You know, this does not change the fact that you will always have our friendship. No matter what." The distinction was made clear again as he used his formal voice once again. She wondered how much she had wounded his ego when she rejected him after he ventured to propose to a girl for the first time. Any other girl would have said 'yes.'
"Marcassin-" she stepped forward to try to explain herself further but he cut her off this time.
"It grows late. We should get some rest," he said and started walking away. She felt his absence strongly and the night air cooled considerably without him.
-000-
Wrapped in her own misery Esther was lost in thought as she and Derwin hiked up the mountainous terrain of the Isle of Nazcaa. The Sea Cow was repaired on Ta-Hee-Tee but Swaine had aptly raised the issue of the surrounding cliffs of the Isle that would not permit entry despite the fact the ship was now repaired. The emperor determined that air travel would be better than climbing up the cliffs, or using the mountainous path. From the island, Marcassin had summoned a flying airship from their friend, Kublai the air pirate, to meet them and drop off the researchers onto the Nazcaa before departing back to Hamelin. Marcassin did not travel to Nazcaa after all, but left a royal letter for Esther and Derwin to deliver when they met Casseiopeia. All the while he barely spoke a word to either of them as he consulted with the captain and Swaine aboard the airship for the best locations to land and which routes to take back to Autumnia to avoid inclement weather or strong winds. Then they parted with barely a nod and a handshake for good luck.
Esther sighed deeply once again and the journey was becoming so repetitive that even the usually inconsiderate Derwin paused to ask if she was tired. She encouraged them to press on and get to the Queen's newly rebuilt castle before sunset. As they trudged onward, it seemed that there were less monsters trying to eat them this time around and the atmosphere of the Isle of Nazcaa was significantly different from before. She wondered if Casseiopeia's calming influence had quieted them down. With more imminent threats set aside, Esther had more time to reflect on the conversation she had with Swaine before she parted ways with them.
"So that's it, then? You turned him down flat?" Swain had asked incredulously. He rubbed his head in irritation.
"What else could I do?" demanded Esther. "I couldn't accept him because I would make him unhappy."
"You just don't love him? I find that hard to believe when I see you two together."
"I react when he's near me but it's as though I can't love him. There's something wrong with me," she collapsed into a heap at her room in the inn. "It's never been tested like this before, since this is the first time anyone has even tried to propose to me, but my heart," she said as she reached for it once again and was reassured to feel its beat still there. "There's something wrong with it. I wasn't really focusing on how I was feeling when we were traveling with Oliver, but now that I've tried to go back to a normal life I realize I don't feel much. Except when it's with your brother…."
Esther paused to think about it further. I do feel something when he smiles at me, or touches my hand….
Swaine's face became uncharacteristically sympathetic. "I see. Did you explain that to Marcassin? I think he's under a different impression."
"I tried, but everything that came out of my mouth sounded like a stupid excuse. The words didn't come out right, and I think he got mad or... tired of me." She looked as though she were about to cry and Swaine absently patted her head.
"I'm afraid I've never heard of any spell that can fix this," sighed Swaine. "But you care about him?"
She started to blush. "I think I could feel more than that if my heart would let me. Don't tell your brother, please. He has enough on his plate. I don't need him to be worrying about my condition as well."
"He deserves to know, since he put himself out there to propose to you in the first place. You are someone he would definitely be concerned about. Who knows? He might be able to help you find a solution."
"Promise me," she insisted.
He sighed. "At this rate the ministers will choose a wife for him. There's nothing he can do to stop it. You realize that's why he seemed in such a hurry to spend more time with you, right? Otherwise they're going to force his hand. Is that what you want?"
"I'd feel so incomplete if I said yes," she said sadly. "He would soon realize my lack of feelings for him. It would be miserable for both of us."
"I'm sure he'd be much more miserable marrying a girl he didn't care for. I wish you would reconsider."
"I can't try to force it." She handed over her spare notebook to her friend. "But give this a look through and when you're ready to propose trade with Perdida. I hope these ideas will help with Hamelin's infrastructure to support Marcassin in expanding the territory." Swaine took the notebook ruefully and stuffed it into his vest. After an awkward goodbye there was nothing more to say.
Her thoughts were wandering until Derwin cried out excitedly at the sight of the Casseiopeia's castle. She looked up and saw the warm glow of torchlight against the sandy brick structure and clutched at Marcassin's letter written in his elegant script to her breast.
Her misery compounded as she wondered if the next time they met at the Queen's Jubilee he would be married by then.