Post-Mortem Blues
Nick and Fin walked with her up the stairs to her apartment the day she was released from the hospital. Lewis had had his final encounter with her, ending his own life before her eyes. Nick entered first, offering her something to drink. It was the only thing he could find words for. She didn't say anything back to him, but to Fin after he asked about Cassidy.
"I spoke with him already." She assured him with a nod.
"He coming over?" Fin just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to be alone. He couldn't let anything happen to her again, not after she'd dodged death for another time, all too many for a single person in a lifetime.
"I'm fine, Fin." Her concise reply made him sure that Brian wasn't to be brought up again. She had been able to handle it, and she wanted them to butt out.
Even after pausing in the silence, the word "fine" echoed in the two men's minds. They both knew for sure that she wasn't fine. There was no way anyone could be fine after going through what she had.
Nick brought her a glass of cold water, suggesting what he thought was best.
"Well - one of us can stay." He sat down opposite her.
She looked exhausted, overwhelmed. Her eyes were black as opposed to their usual warm brown.
"I appreciate it - but I just - I think I just need some quiet." She situated herself to a comfortable position on the couch, swallowing hard.
Nick couldn't leave her. There was no way she'd be staying alone that night. He discreetly nodded at Fin.
"Rest up, Liv." Fin correctly interpreted the glance he was given by Nick, and then left without another word. He left the apartment feeling confident that Olivia was going to be ok. Maybe not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day. But she would be ok.
Olivia's gaze locked on Nick's again after Fin had left. "And what about you?" She asked quietly, her voice having changed in an way that wasn't noticeable to anyone but the ones who knew her best.
Nick gave her a small smile. "I don't make much noise. You won't even know I'm here."
He felt his smile quickly erased as he tried to read her expression. Olivia wanted to shake the trembling in her throat, but there was nothing she could do about it. Her voice was one soon to yield tears.
"Thank you." It was nothing but the breath of air. He couldn't know how much his presence meant to her.
She laid back on the couch and closed her eyes, waiting for the first curtain of darkness to begin replaying her worst nightmare: the nightmare she'd lived. Nick watched from the kitchen as sleep claimed her body. He poured himself a glass of water, hoping she'd be able to fend off the nightmares. She couldn't.
:::
His hands were on her, all over her. Every inch of her body was touched by him, all privacy lost. His lips were on hers as her body went rigid on the table. Then the cool metal of the gun was on her head. It was in her hand, icing her skin right through to the bone. Her finger tightened on the trigger. She awaited the last flash of her life. Then she felt the trigger click - so close to the end of her life. His smile as he put the gun to his own head made her skin crawl. Then the words came back to her.
"Death is not something to be afraid of, Olivia."
And she had known that when she'd gone in. She hadn't thought about the repercussions, what he'd do to her. When she'd commandeered the town car, she hadn't been afraid of death because she hadn't been thinking about it. When she had the gun to her head, her fear resurfaced.
:::
Nick felt the water drop into his tense throat. The days had been so stressful, between the initial escape and then Olivia's disappearance. He closed his eyes. He had been so afraid that he would actually have to say goodbye to his partner, that she would give her life to take Lewis down. He knew that she had gone to end it. And he knew what that had meant.
The silent patter of a nighttime rain was the only sound filling his ears. He felt that he needed to do more for her, but he didn't know what or how. Olivia had looked so exhausted when they'd walked out of the the hospital. It looked like it took all of the energy she had left just to blink. Her movements had been slow and stiff.
Had Lewis gone that far? Had he taken every last bit of what Olivia protected every day?
He would wait until she told him. He wouldn't go looking for answers, not like the last time.
Olivia's eyes flew open when Lewis' finger pulled the trigger. She didn't know she'd made a sound, but the terrified cry had traveled through the stale air like a bullet. Nick dropped his glass on the counter and ran to the couch. She was clutching her chest as she sat up. She could feel how wide her eyes were.
Nick knelt down next to her and reached for her hand. When he touched it, Olivia's eyes flickered to his as she squeezed back tightly. Her heartbeat sounded within her head as she tried to grip reality and exist the arms beckoning her backward. As her lifeline, she held Nick's hand and looked straight into his soft eyes. In that moment, she was so glad he'd stayed. As her breathing slowed, she whispered.
"I'm sorry." She hadn't meant to scare him. She hated startling him.
Nick shook his head. "They happen. It's ok. You're safe." He reassured her, even with the pain of seeing her reeling.
He'd had to watch her battle PTSD for longer than anyone should have to. After Lewis' first attack, the flashbacks took her by force. Then when the trial rolled around, Olivia suffered a terrible backwards stumble when her attacker got another chance to assault her in the worst way - within her head, infiltrating her thoughts. She'd just been starting to regain confidence in the fading nightmares and images when Lewis got his last dance with her, tearing it all down again. It would be a long road back.
Olivia situated her gaze straight forward as she left her hand in Nick's. "I can still feel him - on me."
She needed to say something about it. Her partner could help her bear the weight. "It's like he never left."
The sound of thunder rolling steadily through the evening was the only thing to occupy the silence.
Nick swallowed again, giving her hand a squeeze. "He's gone now, Liv. I know that even if you don't believe it now, you will."
Olivia looked back at him again, thankful for his words. She knew more than anyone that she'd get to that point, that she would get better. But she also knew she had a hard fight ahead of her.
"Nick -" There was a hesitation. Nick put his other hand on hers.
She went on. "When I became a cop, I never knew I was signing on for this."
Everything, even her bones were weary. Everything she'd thought about being the protector, finally taking care of herself, turned out to hit her a lot harder than she ever knew it would. Actually, it ended up nearly killing her. Sometimes she wished it would have.
She let her words fall from her mouth before even thinking. Nick hadn't run away the first time, so she was convinced he was going to stay by her through the recovery of this ordeal.
Nick gave her a sad smile as he sat down with his back against the coffee table, her hand remaining enclosed in his. She let her honesty take over again. She was thinking out loud. If she'd seen what was coming to her, if she - as a young woman, ready to become an officer of the law - had seen what was going to happen, she wouldn't have done it. Would she? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
"Maybe I never should have done it." Her whisper was almost too breathy to hear.
Nick let the thought sink in. "Where would I be if you hadn't?" He said softly.
Olivia reflected the smile he offered, taking in the feeling of being needed. People did care. No matter how alone she felt, she never actually was alone.
"If you could go back, would you make the same decision - to become a cop?" Nick asked.
She didn't have to hesitate. Her heart knew what she was going to answer. "Yes I would. A thousand times if I had to."
Her reply gave him chills. Even with the pain she suffered and was still suffering, with all the atrocities life had thrown at her by way of the police force, she would be ready and willing to go back and take the oath again. What a sacrifice. What a hero. Olivia, in those confident words, was reminded what her purpose was.
"Would you?" She challenged, curious to find his.
Nick nodded. "Absolutely."
With one hand gripping reality, Olivia relaxed, leaned back into the couch, and fell back into sleep's arms. She wasn't on the journey alone. She never had been. She never would be.