Psycho/Therapist

She stood up when the gavel hit the desk behind which the judge sat. William Lewis had finally been convicted. Barba's mouth was moving as he turned to speak to her. All Olivia caught was "25 to life."

The only words she herself could manage came out all at once. "I can't believe it's over."

She stood there, surrounded by her support as the harrowing trial came to and end. Her captain's words echoed hers as he assured her it really was over. Nick's comforting squeeze of her hand did more for her than he knew. As Olivia began to feel the flood coming, she acknowledged Brian when he asked if she was coming home.

"Yes." She wouldn't make it all the way home before everything she'd pent-up came bursting out with such force she couldn't hide it. "Can you just - give me a minute?"

Her throat was already closing when she locked eyes with her attacker. So much was said between their gazes in such a short time. It reestablished the connection that sickened Olivia, but even she couldn't deny it was there. William Lewis was led from the room. Then her feet began to move. She didn't have time to care who was watching her. She just had to leave.

Her chest was painfully tight, giving her grief as she tried to breathe. The roof she'd been managing to hold above her head was falling. She'd tried to be strong for the trial, but it had taken its toll. Olivia threw open the first door she saw away from the flow of the busy courtroom. The stairwell greeted her as an opportune place to let it come out - all of it. She ran her hands through her hair as she descended to the bottom.

Olivia's body stopped itself on the third to last stair. There was a magnitude of waves crashing into her. Each channeled a very different emotion. The trial had been almost worse than the initial attack. She'd stood up in open court, in front of fellow officers, admitting all of the awful things Lewis had done to her. Lewis had had a chance to get back in her head, but that was just it: he had never left. He was going away, which brought her relief, but only relief. She wouldn't have to see him face-to-face again, except when she suffered a flashback or a horrible nightmare. He was going to be behind bars, unable to hurt another human being again, yet his horrible memory would remain in those he'd already touched.

Olivia took deep breaths as her mind took on everything she unknowingly threw at it. And then, in the midst of its spiraling, shuffling everything around like a deck of cards, it stopped. The world stopped spinning. Silence rang loudly in her ears, pushing everything from her mind in a frightening moment. All Olivia felt she could do in its wake was cry, cry the tears she'd held in for too long. She felt her hair fall in front of her eyes as her shoulders shook with silent sobs. For a long moment, she allowed the feelings to escape.

It's over, finally over.

Her body, when she could sob no longer, allowed quiet tears to stream from her eyes. Olivia reached up to the railing and held her hand around tightly, an anchor to reality as she leaned in and regained her air. The thoughts were easier to sort out when her efforts to push them back in her mind fell flat. She was ready to climb out of the endless hole she'd been unfairly tossed into. She was ready to take her power back. She was ready to recover.

The sound of the door above her opening slowly was one she didn't hear. The steps down to her were different, but she didn't move, she figured she'd just have to tell the concerned stranger that she was alright to get the opportunity to be alone again. No one said anything as she felt the person sit down beside her. Her hand released the railing as she ran a hand through her hair and found her captain next to her.

He saw the tears, but they didn't phase him. He kept his hands folded in his lap as he gave her a sad smile. Olivia didn't bother to wipe her face. It was obvious what she'd been doing anyway. She didn't look at him when she spoke.

"I'm fine, Captain."

The words sounded as hollow as they felt.

"You know, that word doesn't mean much coming from you." His words were gentle.

Olivia looked straight into his eyes, forgetting her need to be alone.

"Olivia - I've known you a long time." He hesitated. "No human being, not even a superwoman can be "fine" after the things I've heard that word explain."

The statement hit home. Olivia swallowed hard, feeling her tears return.

"Fine." She changed its context. "I'm not ok."

It felt like a physical blow she received when she said it. Cragen felt his own heart ache when he heard the pain in her voice.

"It's over, but it's not. It happened. No verdict can change that." Her eyes returned to the bottom of the stairwell.

Cragen didn't have to hear her say what her heart was telling him. "Liv."

He sought to regain her gaze and succeeded. Olivia found safety in him. She always had.

"He has no power over you." He blinked away his own tears as his voice dropped. He echoed the words that he'd heard Olivia say as a comfort to others.

"You survived the attack." She watched him as she began to feel the lump in her throat return. "You'll survive the recovery."

He hated seeing her so exhausted, so hurt. Cragen put his hand on her knee as Olivia nodded, wiping a tear that had ventured to her jawline.

He pressed on, unwilling to let the words go unsaid. He knew what she was thinking. "And I know how you feel - about what every other cop's thinking about you."

Olivia inhaled deeply as she put her own hand in his. He moved it, holding it gently.

"But I can tell you you're wrong. You're a hero, Liv. They aren't thinking any less of you because they know the torture Lewis put you through. All of them - including me, the whole squad - know your incredible strength because you survived it." He paused to regain his ability to speak. "All of us respect you even more than before - if that's possible."

Cragen could see the shame in her eyes, and he wanted to make it disappear. She knew better - that's why she had the shame she did. She felt more shame in feeling the shame. She knew how misplaced that self-blame was, but she could do nothing about it. Olivia's sad smile came through a fresh tear. She squeezed his hand, still absorbing the words. He would never know how much his assurance meant to her. To hear another person, a fellow officer of the law tell her that she was still seen as an equal, perhaps more than an equal in the NYPD almost completely riddled that uneasiness, the blame she held to herself.

"Thank you." Olivia could only manage a whisper in reply as her voice filled with tearful tremors.

Her captain nodded slowly, feeling evidence of his overwhelming intuitions filling his misty eyes. He spoke in a voice much like Olivia's - shaky, emotional. "I'm so proud of you."

Olivia was hit with another blow. Proud. He was proud. She'd faced her fears. She'd put Lewis away, the only one to ever convict him of anything. Teardrops continued making paths down her cheeks, settling and spreading down her neck. It was a sensation that reminded her how alive she was. She had a chance to get her life back because she'd fought for it. And she'd ultimately won. It wasn't all over, but one of the hardest parts was.

"What do you say we get outta here?" Cragen gave her leg a pat and stood up, stepping down to the landing below her. As he extended his hand, Olivia offered another smile and took it.

In one swift movement, her feet landed on the same level her captain stood on. Then her arms were around him, his around her. He held her tightly, hoping to take some of the weight she bore. Olivia hugged him with everything she had in her. Though they saw the worst of mankind, they'd been through it together. For so long, Cragen had been her support, her solace. Now she understood what he really meant to her. Her eyes remained closed as the embrace endured.

Cragen allowed himself a smile as he released her, still holding her hands as their eyes locked. "I bet Barba's waiting to buy us all drinks. You up for it?"

He felt his smile crawl back across his face. Olivia could feel the relief taking over her body, overpowering the lingering feelings of guilt and anger. Her eyes were tired. Her feet were weary, as was the rest of her. But they had won. She had won. Lewis' face could haunt her all it wanted, but his hands would never touch her again. He was finished tearing a path of destruction.

Olivia nodded to her captain. "Depends on who's buying the second round."

She let herself smile again. It was such a liberating feeling. Cragen chuckled lightly. Olivia was still the woman she had always been. Lewis should have known he couldn't take that away.

"It's on me." He replied, turning to head down the next flight of stairs.

Olivia's hands fell from his as she followed, but the lost contact didn't take the comfort away. She still felt safe. With the people she had in her life, that would never change.

Because of the scenes to come (with flashbacks, more intense and adult content etc.), I will be changing the rating to M just to be safe. I hope you'll still continue to read.

Thanks for sticking with me so far. Xx