Of all the chapters I have planned for this, unwritten and written, this one was the most difficult to write. Going through what might have happened in the "infamous" bathroom scene is still puzzling to me. We were all left to wonder what happened, and I decided to put in writing what may or may not have occurred. We might never know what really went down. I knew I'd have to bite the bullet and write it sometime - and here it is.

This also got a bit long, but I hope it won't be too much. I may later split it into two chapters just so that it's not so much at once.

I know a lot of people wonder about this scene, and I did my best to try and put the emotion, thought, and action that (hopefully) will be close to what others think happened.

As I said in the chapter before, this chapter is more intense than the others. Please be cautious. Some of this could be triggering. It was for me. There is some language, but the violence and theme are both what are strongest here.

Please keep that in mind as you read.

Xx - Ellie

Surrender Benson

It was the feeling she wished she could ignore, but she couldn't. No matter how hard she tried to tell her brain that it was wrong, her body won. She had to use the bathroom. Now. As Lewis tore the duct tape in his hands near the side of the bed, Olivia used her weakened muscles to roll herself to her back. The tears were already prodding at her eyes. She'd heard nothing he'd said.

"You gonna miss me?"

The whole room was spinning. Like in a nightmare, everything was a blur except for her attackers face. He wouldn't uncuff her to use the bathroom. She already knew that, even through the fog created by the alcohol and drugs he'd forced into her. But she wouldn't sit there, cuffed, and await in humiliation as her body let her wet herself. It was such a terrible feeling either way. Her helplessness to do anything was painful, almost as painful as the blows he'd delivered her.

Her throat made a noise of desperation. His smile gave her chills as he tilted his head toward her. He communicated without a word, questioning what her sound had meant. Olivia made it as horribly clear as she could, moving her eyes to the toilet she saw through an adjacent door. Lewis understood, grinning to himself.

"Of course. Been a long time. All that vodka, right?" He held the duct tape and gun as he kept his mind clear. He had to make it relatively quick. He had to get rid of the car before someone saw it.

"Let's go."

Olivia closed her eyes as she tried to get her body to do what she wished. The cuffs that held her hands together behind her made her almost entirely immobile. With the greatest effort she'd ever exerted in her life, her feet hit the floor on the side of the bed. It was all she could do. Her mind was sending messages to her nerves, her useless limbs, but the communications were interrupted by an unbreakable force. Her whole life she'd been fighting to be one step ahead, to never be in the position of the victim again. Yet there she was, unable to even stand up by herself. She'd fought to gain the authority she had, and in that moment, all of it went to nothing.

Lewis grew frustrated, impatient as he watched her slowly battle for motion. He needed his hands on her, in her. He'd finally take the last of her power.

Olivia felt him grab her, lifting her so that her face was mere centimeters from his, her own gun at her throat. She watched his eyes, finding herself caught in reading them as she swayed unsteadily. Seeing the gleam of his excited anticipation, Olivia turned away. Lewis gripped her arm tightly as she stumbled to the bathroom.

Once inside, the man turned her so that she faced him. In one movement, he could throw her down onto the toilet. Olivia wished that she could hold it forever. The serial rapist, sexual sadist wouldn't let the opportunity go to waste. Would he rape her? She stood in front of him, not knowing, as he put her gun in his back waistband again, reaching out for her. He never let his eyes stray from hers even as he reached for her belt and pulled it loose. Olivia let her gaze settle just beyond his left shoulder, to a blank wall. It was more comforting than to watch his delight as he undressed her.

His hands brushed against her skin as Olivia's first tear fell down her cheek. Lewis watched it journey down her bloodied face, hanging on her jaw as another dropped. It was what he'd looked forward to - seeing her react as he took away her power - since first setting his eyes upon her in that interrogation room. Olivia tried to think of something else, anything else as his hand slid into her pants. She'd trained and prepared to deal with perpetrators and come out on top. The tables had turned. There was absolutely nothing she could do to stop him from making her the victim.

Since her experience with her mother, Olivia had been able to protect herself; she'd made sure she could, anytime, any place. That was what she'd done best. Now one man had the power to take that all away: her security, her life.

Being kidnapped was one thing. Being faced with the immediate reality that she was going to be raped was something different. She could handle the cuts and the burns. She could handle the alcohol rippling down her throat so fast it spilled into her lungs. But she couldn't handle William Lewis, a life-long criminal, a rapist, a murderer, taking what little of her life it felt she had left. Those horrible crimes she handled always hit close to home, but this one was so much worse. It would be her story she'd have to tell, her story she'd have to repeat over and over. What would the story be? She swallowed hard.

Don't give him what he wants. She was talking silently amongst the jumbled thoughts in her head. He can't break you. He can't take anything you don't give him.

Still, she knew he was going to take her. Olivia made a conscious effort to stop her tears. They were obviously satisfactory for Lewis, and she was unwilling to give him any more power than he already had. One final drop fell over her cheek as she moved her eyes into his. She wouldn't let him win. She had to keep that confidence. He'd taken everything else.

Lewis looked into her fiery eyes with pleasure, a small smile spreading across his cracked lips. His finger gripped the waist of her pants easily. One violent yank took them down to her knees.

Olivia swallowed hard as she fought her emotions from flooding back into evidence. Her eyes were locked with his, a silent fight unfolding. There was a connection between them that even she couldn't deny. The first time she'd seen him she'd felt that chemistry, as horrible as it was. Lewis was reading her as he always did. They could have hours of conversation just by glaring at one another. That reestablished connection was enough to make Olivia's stomach start to churn. The deep breath she took made her aware again of the terrible burning in her bladder.

Don't make a noise. She instructed herself solemnly. Don't give him that.

Lewis had never felt such a force drawing him to another person. Of all his victims, Olivia Benson was the most special. He could see her beauty - exquisite, unique. It manifested in a magnitude he'd never witnessed before. Along with his attraction to her, he felt her strength, her pride in being able to protect herself and others. There was an air about her, something he couldn't figure out. No other person had that sort of a feeling accompanying them everywhere they went. He felt the way she demanded attention and immediate compliance when she stepped into a room, whether she was trying to exhibit that or not.

It was something that intrigued him in a whole new way. He knew he had to take that away, whatever it was, simply because he'd never seen anything like it - like her - before. He had seen her confidence displayed when she was investigating him only a week before. That week had changed the course of his life. He'd taken a turn, wanting only one thing: her.

Lewis' fingers touched the top of her black undergarment, feeling the lace beneath him. Olivia was repulsed almost to the point of vomiting. She knew she couldn't do that again. The last time she had, she'd almost suffocated in her own fluids. The breaking detective tried to coax her mind to go somewhere else. She had to in order to keep from self-destructing, but it seemed impossible. Her mind, body, and soul were stuck within Lewis' grip, unable to escape.

Instead of mentally leaving the room, Olivia replayed in her head every moment she wished she could go back and change. She could have stayed to talk with Nick the night she'd been kidnapped, seemingly a lifetime before. Her mind spoke again.

Four days. You've survived four days with him. You can survive these few moments.

The thoughts continued. She could have drawn her gun at the sound of someone in her apartment. She could have fought harder, longer, before letting him overpower her and tie her to her own chair. But could she have?

She was torn back from her thoughts back into the bathroom when her last barrier between his hands and her body fell from her legs. She stood, naked from the waist down as Lewis watched. He figured he had to let her go to the bathroom before he could do anything more, so he shoved her roughly down to the toilet.

Olivia relieved herself, a small battle won. She hadn't had to go all over herself in a state of terrible degradation. Once she finished, she let herself look up at him again. Her heart dropped. She hadn't thought it all the way through. Her hands were still behind her back as she watched Lewis roll out the toilet paper.

"Hold still, Sweetheart."

Her stomach clenched again, harder, when he leaned down and touched her, using the toilet paper to do the very thing she'd been able to since she was but a wisp of a child. It was degrading, dehumanizing. It did to her what Lewis had wanted it to, and she was well aware of his intentions. He was trying to destroy her and everything she had - her confidence, her pride, her independence.

She felt his hand linger beneath her as she sat motionless. She could hardly put up a struggle. Lewis wrapped an arm around her and pulled her back up so that she stood in front of him again. Olivia kept her eye contact with him, using the last of her energy to silently show him that her flame was still lit.

Those beautiful eyes were a mixture of anger, determination, and paralyzing fear. It turned him on. He knew what he was going to do next.

Olivia struggled to stay upright, swaying with the effects of her pain, the things running through her veins, and the magnitude of the situation. His smile sent a coil of nails up her spine, sending shock waves through her ribs, and shooting searing pain into her head. She felt her knees unlock as she prepared for her legs to give out from beneath her. Before they could, Lewis spun her around and bent her over the counter, both of them staring straight into the mirror that captured the moment.

Olivia's world stopped when she saw her own reflection. That couldn't really be her staring back from the other side. Her eyes were dark. Her face, bruised and bloodied, became a distortion, an unfamiliar sight. Until she'd seen herself, Olivia wouldn't let the belief sink in that Lewis had already destroyed more of her than she could know. Another reality sunk in as the hand he wasn't using to pin her down explored her very core. Her sharp inhale was one of pain, physical and mental. It was happening.

Don't let him break you. Her eyes closed as she took her undeserved punishment in silence, her mind speaking the other side of her thoughts. The angel and the devil had their conversation. What am I fighting for? He already has.

She shook her head, finding that her internal struggle was the hardest to cope with. Don't give him the struggle he wants. Don't resist. It will be over soon.

It went against everything she had ever believed. Fight until you're dead - that's what it had always been. But now, if Lewis knew he'd broken her, her life was over. That's what he had come to do.

"Open your eyes." Lewis felt anger bubbling inside of him as he pushed two of his meaty fingers into her.

Olivia's eyes flew open with no hesitation. Her sounds of discomfort rang out from behind the duct tape. She couldn't stop them. It couldn't be happening, but it was. She saw his reflection in the mirror, standing behind her, holding her gun in the hand that he'd withdrawn from her center. Her heart pounded in her chest, causing her ribs further panic. She knew. She already knew what he was doing.

"Put it in your mouth." He reached up to her, ripping the duct tape off. He pushed the metal of her own gun, the last sign of power she held, between her teeth.

Olivia choked on it when it hit the back of her throat. It was the worst thing he'd done yet. He was giving her the ultimate "fuck you." He'd known her for only a week , and he already understood what would break her. The repulslive connection between them surfaced again.

Her gun had been on her hip for over a decade, protecting her, getting justice, giving her authority and confidence. Now it was choking her, sending her the message that her power and authority could be taken away.

Lewis pulled it out, chipping one of her teeth as he did. Olivia tried to cry out for help, but all she could manage was a weak word.

"Help." It was pathetic. It was useless, much like the rest of her was. Her voice was of no help to her. She didn't try again, knowing then and there that was what Lewis wanted. He wanted to hear her cry out for help. It was a sign of weakness.

The room was spinning even more as she bowed her head and felt a bead of sweat roll down her hairline. She just wanted it to be over. She'd been fighting for too long. It was too much.

Lewis stood behind her, gazing at her beautiful backside, her folds that greeted him. He didn't care that he couldn't see her face. He knew she'd react when she felt it. He was going to take it away, everything, with one action. He held her down as he pushed the tip of her gun to her core.

Olivia squinted her eyes shut as she waited for the inevitable. Her body was unable to do anything to stop it.

Lewis bit his lip with pleasure as he gave the gun a hard thrust, and sent it into the detective. Olivia moved herself beneath Lewis' powerful force, struggling against the pain that had erupted between her legs. It was to no avail. He let her gun settle inside her as her face met his in the mirror again. The world stood still. No. The world disappeared.

She wished he'd kill her. She wished he'd pull the trigger and end it all. Her gun, one of the things she carried every day, was being used against her in the worst way. Never had she imagined feeling such hopelessness, such pain. Olivia made the mistake of letting her eyes wander to Lewis' as he smiled.

The look of utter agony on her face was a beautiful thing for him to see. He'd been waiting for that kind of an expression. The cuts and burns he'd inflicted had left her exhibiting a face filled with great physical discomfort, but this one was so different, so much better. It was a face that held physical pain and defeat all at once.

"Nice fit." He felt himself growing larger in his jeans, but he kept his mind sharp. He couldn't take her now, not with the car sitting in the driveway. He needed his time with her, and if someone called the police, that would never happen.

He twisted the gun without withdrawing it, causing agonizing sounds to come from the powerful Olivia Benson's pitiful mouth. Lewis grit his teeth together as he moved it again.

Olivia had her lip between her teeth as she bowed her head further and let the tears stream down her face. He couldn't see her. She knew that much as her hair fell in front of her face. She felt her insides begging him to stop, but she allowed her mouth to say nothing. That was what he wanted more than anything: a plea. And she wouldn't give it to him. She'd rather die with what tattered dignity she had left than satisfy him, pleading him to stop.

I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

I had to fall, to lose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

It doesn't even matter. The words played over and over in her head.

Lewis had words in his head too. You have to stop. He was telling himself.

Time had passed quickly, and every minute that ticked by meant more of a chance someone would spot the van as it sat in the driveway of the idle beach house.

You'll have her later. His mind worked hard to tell his hands to stop, and they finally did, removing her weapon from her body. Lewis was pleased with the small trickle of blood that accompanied it.

Olivia didn't look up, but instead waited in silence for him to finish. Lewis pushed the gun back to her face, forcing it into her mouth again. Olivia choked on her own fluids that covered the weapon.

"Good stuff, isn't it." Lewis smiled at the face she was making.

Olivia couldn't stop it. As the her own blood touched her tongue, her stomach hurtled its contents to the surface, forcing them out of her mouth.

Lewis removed her gun as he watched her puke violently.

The convulsions caused unbearable, torturous discomfort to envelope her injured ribs, sending forces of distress to every nerve in her broken body. The pains grew in intensity as they shot towards her head. When they reached her throbbing brain, Olivia lost her grip on the world, and slipped into the darkness of the unknown.

Lewis watched all of it happen in mere seconds. What a sight. Olivia was still his. He still had time to destroy her forever, break her beyond repair.

And I will. He vowed. I will.

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