Surrender Benson
The hospital had kept her prisoner for two nights following Lewis' vicious attack, after her team had rescued her from that dismal beach house. Her body ached, but the visible injuries were far less painful than the ones that seared her heart. Every time her eyes had shut from exhaustion, Olivia saw and felt everything he'd done to her. The reliving and replaying never ended.
It was so bad the first night that the nurses sedated her in order to give her a peaceful rest. The second night was different. She kept herself under control as the flashbacks bombarded her memories in sleep. The restless night yielded to a quiet day of more of the same. Brian sat with her as she fought against the sharp fingers beckoning her into the past. It felt like she was on an endless treadmill. It felt like every time she turned around, he was coming back.
Then they had released her from the hospital. She walked stiffly, her ribs mending along with her broken wrist and bruised, burned, cut body. Brian helped her, and that only made it hurt more. Her independence was gone. She had no choice but to be dependent. She could hardly stay upright by herself. She needed help. Lewis had been striving to take her power from her, and no matter how much she told herself that he hadn't, she held the pain that he had. The power was still there, but her confidence was in shambles.
As she walked from the elevator with Brian to his apartment, her face fell into the expressionless default she held inside her. She was numb, even with the flashbacks living in her very blood, ready to strike her again at any time. The sound Brian's keys made in the door made her jump, immediately taking her back to the chair she was tied to in her own living room just two days before. Her breath caught in her throat as every limb in her body froze stiff.
Her eyes widened as the first key neared her chest, Lewis smiling right in front of her as he took her power to stop him away. He told her she couldn't say no. And she couldn't.
Brian opened the door, turning to find Olivia stuck in a time past. He reached out as a bead of sweat rolled down her face, unable to move her eyes from their fixed position. His hand gently closed around her arm as he sought to bring her back, a spear in his heart seeing her like that again.
Her mind snapped to the reality in which she dwelled, maybe not her mind but her body. Every muscle in her jerked at the touch of Brian's hand, though it was gentle. It rattled her so violently that her heart sounded in her ears. Immediately, she did what she always did.
"I'm sorry." She apologized for leaving him in his world alone.
Brian shook his head as he let go of her arm, opening the door to his apartment. "It's alright."
He hated hearing her apologize for having flashbacks. It wasn't her fault Lewis had kidnapped and assaulted her. He hated hearing the words that indicated she still harbored shame.
Olivia followed him into the apartment, every sense on overdrive as she investigated silently. Every shadow had her on high alert. Her nose caught a whiff of familiarity: Brian. His soft, easy smell was a small comfort to her as she stood in the middle of the room. She'd known his apartment like the back of her hand before, but standing there, scanning the area for threats, it became foreign. The little sounds of the clock ticking, the fridge running, the drip in Brian's sink transformed from their innocent nature to a serious threat.
Olivia pulled her good hand into a fist at her side as she stood there, every emotion she'd experienced in her life rushing upon her at once. She was terrified that those sounds would turn to imminent danger even as her mind told her that it was nothing to be afraid of.
Her body grew frustrated over the confusion, responding to threats that weren't there.
She felt anger filtering through her terror as she clenched her fists. Lewis had lived. After everything he'd done to her, she'd let him live. She was mad at herself. She was mad at the world, almost as mad as she was scared.
She'd been telling victims that nothing was ever their fault, and yet she felt the blame she was projecting in herself. She knew better. And that was it. She should have protected herself.
Now, something as simple as a car horn or a police siren could send her into a panic. The siren had been something she'd heard for years, but when she'd heard it coming from outside of that car, held captive in the back of the vehicle, she'd hoped, prayed that it was her team coming to rescue her. The false hope had created an abyss of torturous memories whenever she heard that sound replayed.
Brian watched Olivia stand completely frozen in the middle of his living room as he made his way to the bedroom to drop off her bags. He left her out of his sight for only a moment, and he returned to find her eyes locked on a fixed, invisible object as her body went rigid. It was like someone else was staring out of those eyes he'd known for so long. The brown had shifted to a cold gray, icy stares all she was capable of giving. If there was anything he could do to go back and change what had happened, Brian knew he would do it in the blink of an eye.
Olivia saw Lewis descending on her again as she lay, handcuffed to the bed. He pulled the sleeve of her shirt gently as she began to struggle for words. The can opener sliced it easily as he smiled in her face.
"Olivia."
The voice came from far away. It sounded as if it were coming from within a vacuum of time.
"Liv."
Just as Lewis touched her, Olivia snapped back out of the past trauma she found herself living in more often than not. Brian was standing in front of her again. She felt as unresponsive as she looked. She didn't even feel human anymore. Lewis had taken her freedom, independence, confidence, and strength in just four days, and she honestly didn't want to find out what she'd have to go through to get any of it back.
It didn't seem real that she'd ever be able to get back to a normal life. The pain of having to relive her attack every minute of every day was taking its toll. If it kept up, she knew she'd collapse under the weight it threw on her. Still, she found solace in Brian's eyes as he looked at her, concerned. Her wrist throbbed as she let her injured hand lay cradled in the sling near her chest. Her head spun, its wounds visible to others unable to overpower the pain of the bruise inside.
All she could do was stand there. She hadn't said so much as two words since they'd been allowed to visit her in the hospital. It scared Brian deeply. Going so long without hearing her voice was not something he was accustomed to. He was relieved beyond words that she was alive, but it seemed like something inside her had shifted dramatically.
"Please don't say you're sorry." Brian let himself say it softly.
Olivia blinked coherently at him as she swallowed hard, feeling her guilt take over. He took a step toward her and took her one good hand in his as she nodded.
"None of this is fair to you." He felt the lump he'd had for almost a week make its presence known again.
"But absolutely none of it is your fault." Even though he was very aware she said that on a daily basis, he could see hear and see that she was feeling what every other victim did. She was blaming herself for circumstances out of her control.
Olivia felt her dry eyes remain, even as tears wished they could spill. There was no more of that emotion left. She was too tired to try and dig deeper for its remnants. Just hearing the words made the burden a little lighter. She couldn't find her words to thank him, but she nodded again, needing to make sure he knew she heard and understood him.
She could see the fear he harbored as he looked at her and how listless she was. She wished there was something she could do, and she found it right in that moment. Olivia could talk to him in safety. She swallowed harder than the first time.
"I'm still me."
The whisper almost took Brian to his knees. His hands shook as his own tears flowed for both him and Olivia. He knew she was still in there. To hear her say she was, calling out for help from deep within her lost vessel, only made him more sure. Olivia wasn't gone, she was just different. She was reeling from a dehumanizing attack. That was enough to destroy any person, but Olivia remained in tact, holding her pieces together as she walked beneath Lewis' dark cloud.
"I know." He nodded back through his tears, bringing her into a tight hug.
Olivia squeezed him as hard as she could with the arm she could offer. Her eyes closed on his shoulder as she felt safe for the first time in a week.
"I'm going to be right here." He spoke the muffled sentence into her ear as he made her the promise he'd already made.
She held him tight, wanting to say to him over and over "love me until I'm me again." Her mouth just couldn't form the words coming from her heart.
Brian let go of her hesitantly and they both headed to their bedroom to see if getting any sleep was possible. It wasn't. Olivia was prisoner again in ever single nightmare she had. Sometimes Brian could hear her whimpering quietly, her body unable to be awoken as she ran from a man in her mind. He had to make a choice, and he did. He didn't wake her. As much as it hurt him, her sleep was better terrifying than nonexistent. She had to sleep or she'd self destruct.
So he laid in bed, facing the wall as he listened to the sounds of Olivia being burned, cut, hit. He wanted to die. He'd never heard pain like he was hearing through her unconsciousness. He hoped she wasn't feeling the physical pain it seemed like she was experiencing.
The nightmares became so intense that at 3:00, Olivia jolted awake, sitting straight up in bed as her chest heaved. Her eyes darted around the room as she fumbled for the lamp next to the bed. Her panic was complete. She didn't know where she was. Had she been dreaming? Or was it a dream that she'd ever been rescued? Her eyes were stuck as wide as they could go. The feeling of another hand touching hers made her immediately react with a violent swing, causing her so much agony she bent over cradling her broken wrist.
Brian spoke quickly, trying to bring her out of her trance.
"Liv. Liv, it's ok. You're safe. It was a nightmare."
His shaky hands reached for her shoulders as she realized where she was. The tears weren't able to hide anymore. The emotion recharged itself, letting clear drops stream down her face as she leaned into Brian. The world she'd owned wasn't safe anymore. She saw Lewis everywhere.
She had to sleep because all she did when she was awake was think, and she had to stay awake because every time she closed her eyes, she relived it all. It was a never-ending cycle that felt powerful enough to take her life. Her life had imploded, shattering in on itself in billions of pieces, impossible to put together again. Her body trembled as Brian held her.
"Shhh." His voice kept her in the same world he was in even as she closed her eyes in hopelessness.
"This can't last forever." He assured her as he did himself.
He had no idea what she was reliving. He had no way of knowing until she told him, but he wanted the endless pain to fade.
Olivia heard him, but did nothing to acknowledge him. It couldn't last forever. But it felt like it might.