The last two arrive. And yes, I mean it. THE LAST TWO.

Warning: Angst, another almost-fight, tension, innuendo, and excessive swearing courtesy of Romano.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA. I have fun manipulating their characters, though

Then There Were Twelve

Alfred opened one eye, looking around before he concluded everyone was asleep before swinging his legs over the armrests of the interlocked chairs and standing. He yawned and stretched, his hands extended over his head. It was then that he noticed Matthew, asleep in the chair beside him. He sighed, whispering, "Really, bro? You didn't trust me enough to know that I wouldn't wander off to totally murder Russia?" Her smirked at the idea. He had only been getting up to take a piss, but, hey, what was better than getting that bastard back? "Guess you were right, Mattie."

Slowly, and with great caution, Alfred tiptoed toward Ivan from behind. The closer he got to the other man, the slower he went, taking steps so lightly, Alfred was sure that even an elephant couldn't hear him… which was exactly what Ivan was. He chuckled at his own jibe, finally stopping at the back of the chair, stiffening. Wait a goddamn second, was Ivan awake? No, he couldn't be. The man was snoring. But how the hell did he manage to remain upright? That was so freaky, man!

Alfred extended his hands, planning to wrap them around Ivan's neck. He wasn't going to choke him to death. Surely Ivan would wake up by then and throw him off, but still, it was a good way for Alfred to get back at him.

Just before his hands brushed Ivan's scarf—which was annoyingly wrapped around his neck, damn!—a cold hand shot up and wrapped around his wrist, large fingers tightening until Alfred gasped with the pain. Ivan remained stoic, though. "That would not be a wise decision, Amerika." Ivan muttered as venomously as if he had been awake the whole time.

Alfred fought the urge to shout in alarm. He tried to wrench his arm free, but Ivan's hand seemed to clamp even tighter. He squeaked—but it was a very manly squeak!—as Ivan pulled his hand down, forcing Alfred's chin to rest on his shoulder. "You are asking for trouble~"

"More like demanding," Alfred replied. "When have you known me to ask for anything from you?"

Ivan rolled his eyes, turning his head so that he faced Alfred. He shivered when the Russian's cold lips brushed against his ear. "I know you better than that, Amerika. You want me to attack you, nyet? To do what I did that time you made the mistake of coming to my house to brag? But you would like that, now, wouldn't you?"

It took a moment for Alfred to respond. "Bet you would a get a hell of a kick out of it, too."

Ivan's chuckle made a chill shoot up Alfred's spine. "You'd better hope I do."

For a few tense moments, they stay like that, Alfred leaning over Ivan, Ivan's hand still clamped around his wrist. "Uh… dude," Alfred began quiet uncomfortably. "You're kinda cutting off the circulation to my hand."

"Da?"

"And this is sorta… awkward."

"It is only awkward if you make it awkward, Amerika."

Alfred scoffed Ivan finally released his hand. He rubbed his wrist, which had a noticeable, purpling bruise.

"Now," Ivan began, changing the subject. "I believe I hear a helicopter landing outside."

"What?" Alfred raised his eyebrows skeptically. "I don't hear anything."

Ivan sighed. "You really are deaf."

Alfred scoffed and walked over to the window, peering out in shock. "W-what the hell?" Sure enough, a helicopter had just landed on the runway. "How the fuck do you do that?"

Ivan shrugged. "Is easy. I listen well."

Alfred snorted. "Whatever. Freaky motherfuc—"

"I'd shut up if I were you." Ivan warned with a smile. "And check to see who it is that has arrived."

Alfred didn't want to admit defeat, but the two people approaching the stairs to the gate outside demanded his attention more… really, it did. "Uh… I can't really tell, but there are two of them and they look to be unarmed."

Ivan raised his eyebrows. "Strange. Do they look familiar?"

"Um… I-I can't really tell, man."

"Aren't you the one with the glasses?"

"They're not friggin' binoculars!"

Ivan rolled his eyes and rose from his chair, smiling when Alfred gave a nervous twitch. "Relax, comrade. I'm just taking a look myself."

Alfred stepped back to let Ivan look through the window. "Psh, I'm more than relaxed. And I'm not your 'comrade'."

"Very well, you're not." Ivan replied. "But it would be wise to be one." Before Alfred could comment, Ivan blinked in surprise. "It's Japan and Yao-Yao."

Alfred's jaw dropped. "W-w-what the hell?! How the fuck can you see that?"

"I have good sight." I can see Alaska from my house~

Alfred shifted uncomfortably beside him. "Yao-Yao?"

Ivan shrugged. "I use it out of habit. And… is cute." Then with a short glance behind him, he ordered, "Wake the others. We haven't much time."

Alfred didn't like the demanding tone in Ivan's voice, but he would rather take the excuse to be away from him. He walked over to the closest person, Arthur, and put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly.

"Bro, hey… it's time to wake up."

"Mmf, w-what is it?" Arthur glanced sleepily up at him before settling back in his original position, batting his little brother's hand away. "'S too early. Leave me alone."

"Trust me, dude, I would have slept all day if I could. But… Russia's orders."

Immediately, he unraveled himself from the chair and stood, straightening out his collar and jacket. He looked at Alfred with clear, alert eyes, which sort of disturbed him. "Well, mustn't keep the chap waiting now, eh?" Arthur gave a nervous laugh before eyeing him seriously. "What did you do to him before you woke me? Are you missing your left bollock or something of the sort?"

Alfred wrinkled his nose. "No, man! I didn't do anything to him." Then after a momentary pause, he asked, "And why is it the left ball that's always getting picked on? I mean, both of my balls are important to me. Though if I had to choose which one I'd rather lose, I wouldn't care. But then again, if my right ball was bigger than my left ball, well—"

Arthur blinked at him as if he were crazy and flicked his ear. Alfred recoiled, cradling his ear with one hand. "Ow! What the fuck, Artie? What was that for?"

"For being an insufferable moron. Now, come on, back to our current situation. What is Ivan goggling at?"

Alfred stopped holding his ear to rub it gingerly. "Ah, well, I couldn't really see, but Russia said it was China and Japan."

Arthur's large eyebrows rose. "Huh, is that so? Well, how curious. I never thought they would make it in time, being halfway round the world."

Alfred sympathized. "Yeah, musta been a long flight."

"Say, what time is it, Alfred?"

"I'm not the one with the watch."

"Oh, I forgot, you're never on time for anything." Before Alfred could retort, Arthur rolled up his sleeve and exclaimed, "Sweet Mother of Christ! It's 9:32! We have less than a half-hour to ready ourselves to meet the rebels!"

"Oh, shit! Really?"

"You git! Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"I don't have a watch, remember?"

"Gah!"

"Would you two stop acting melodramatic?" Ivan turned away from the window to give them a stern look. "We have to bring Japan and Yao-Yao up to speed now, da? Wake the others."

Alfred found himself nodding against his will. No need to over-dramatize this situation more than it already was by starting something with Ivan… again. As much as he wanted to break the man's nose…

Arthur, meanwhile, gave him a curious look. "Yao-Yao?"

"Don't ask me."

Alfred went to wake Matthew first, ruffling his hair and immediately startling him into annoyed wakefulness. After telling him about China and Japan's arrival, Matthew bit back his remark and helped Alfred wake the others, telling them the same thing when they woke.

"Ve~" Feliciano was immediately awake, still too weak to stand, but smiling leastwise. "Japan and China are here! I missed them so much!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes. "You barely saw China before, Veneziano."

"Don't backsass my brother, Nazi boob!"

"Don't insult my brother, totally unawesome tomato-eater!"

"You suck ass at insulting people, dumb bastard."

"I can't hear you over my awesomeness~!"

"Shut it, gits!" Arthur yelled over the melee. "And get your arses over here. We don't have much time!"

Sadiq scoffed. "Incompetent fools, acting like children at a time like this."

"Oh, please," Alfred snorted. "Don't tell me you wouldn't be the same way if Greece were here."

"N-no!" Sadiq said, slightly offended. "We settle our differences verbally…"

"Yeah, using insults and jibes."

"Al… please don't start this again."

"Shut up, Mattie. I'm in the middle of something."

"And you have never used insults during fights? You can't deny that fight I saw between you and Russia a few hours ago. You're just as bad as me." Sadiq pulled Alfred back into the conversation.

Alfred's eyes flashed. "Oh, so you're admitting you have a problem, douchebag?"

"What did you just call me, bitch?"

Francis loped in, obviously a little sore from the alcohol he drank a few hours ago and throwing his arms around the both of them. "We can all be friends, non? Like I always say, make love not war!"

"Stop molesting people, Frog."

"Nonsense, I was only giving innocent advice. Have something dirty on your mind, mon Angleterre?"

"Shut your fucking mouth, git."

"Oh, but if I do, I won't be able to use it properly~"

"France!" Ludwig shouted. "There are certain innocents listening!"

"Ve~I want to be an innocent! Am I? Am I, Germany?"

"You'd better not be talking about me, Potato Bastard."

Gilbert scoffed. "Ja, because you've gotten laid so many times before with your charming personality. You could never match up to my awesomeness!"

"I've gotten laid plenty of times, you fucking dumbass!"

"Care to elaborate for us, mon chéri?"

"Settle yourselves, comrades." It wasn't a shout, but it was scary enough for them all to shut up there and then. Ivan stared them all down with a feigned smile and eyes that smoldered with pent-up threats. "Japan and Yao-Yao are coming. Try to at least look like civilized human beings."

"Well, most of us are." Alfred muttered, and when Ivan glared at him, he faked a loud cough, making Arthur grimace next to him.

There was a long stretch of silence, during which they all kept their eyes pinned on the gate they could hear a pair of footsteps approaching quickly. Then, two figures burst from the arch, both shouting and taking up defensive stances. Kiku unsheathed his katana, both hands on the hilt, his expression blank, but his eyes fierce. Yao held his wok with both hands over his right shoulder, his eyes narrowed, a snarl on his lips.

After a quick observation, Kiku lowered his sword, blinking in surprise. "Russia-san? America-san?"

"What hell is this?" Yao growled, shaking his wok at them, despite its weight. "How come you not call us, hm?"

"We couldn't possibly contact you with the world going to hell and all." Arthur replied flatly. "Nice to know you are glad to see us, China."

"I'm glad to see you, Yao-Yao." Russia smiled creepily. "You are glad to see me too, da?"

Yao shrunk away a little, now holding his wok in two hands again. "Sh-shì, Russia. It is always nice to see you…"

"Dude, Kiku!" Alfred rushed forward and gave the other man a hug. Kiku's eyes widened and his claustrophobia kicked in, prying Alfred anxiously off of him. But Alfred didn't mind. He knew it was just part of who Kiku was… no matter how painfully annoying it was in the bedroom. "I thought I'd never see you again, man! How're ya doing?"

"Uh, well…" Kiku didn't quite know what Alfred was asking. Was it possible that the other man had not read the atmosphere again? Surely not through this gigantic crisis. "I'm not particularly happy, if that's what you—"

"We had hell of time getting here, you know." Yao ranted, despite the fact that Ivan was way too close for comfort. "How in world did you guys get here anyway?"

"Same way as you." Alfred replied.

"Japaaaan~!" Feliciano launched himself at the other man, but Kiku quickly side-stepped him to avoid getting glomped. Feliciano stumbled a bit before smiling. "Japan, I missed you soooo much! I'm so glad to see you again!" He was about to say something more, when he suddenly sagged forward with a dry cough, exhaustion and weakness overwhelming him.

Lovino immediately caught his brother with his good arm, despite the massive effort it took for him to do so. "Don't get yourself so excited, damn idiot. You need to go sit down somewhere."

"Ve… but I want to talk to Japan some more…" Feliciano whined feebly.

Lovino gritted his teeth as his little brother wriggled in his hold, forcing him to contort his body and disrupt his injured arm. "Dammit, Feli! Keep still!"

"I will take him." Ludwig offered, but Lovino rounded on him, snapping, "Get your fucking, wurst-ridden hands away from me, bastard!"

"Don't be unawesome." Gilbert said, nodding to his brother so that Ludwig took Feliciano from Lovino while Gilbert took hold of Lovino. The older Italian was furious, thrashing about, his anger overriding his pain. "Dumb bastard! Let go of me, dammit!"

"Stop struggling, uh?" Gilbert said, securing Lovino's arms to the angry Italian's chest by wrapping his arms around him. "The incredibly awesome me will take care of you, kesesese!"

Lovino blushed at his close proximity and thrashed harder. "Dammit! I will kick you in your goddamn potatoes if you don't fucking get off me!"

Gilbert leered. "Is that a threat or a promise?"

The Prussian oofed as he was promptly elbowed in the abdomen, forcing him to release Lovino. Immediately the younger man staggered, crying out in pain, clutching his wounded shoulder as fresh blood oozed out from the reopened gash. "Fucking goddamn, motherfucking son of a bitch!"

"Please don't curse, big brother!" Feliciano sniffed, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. Ludwig was at a loss of what to do, so he merely patted the younger Italian's head awkwardly.

Gilbert was still trying to catch his breath. "… damn little bitch. I was only trying to awesomely help you, dammit, you didn't have to jab me in the stomach."

"I couldn't give a flying fuck what you're feeling now!" Lovino growled through his teeth, balancing himself on a nearby wall. "Dammit, why did I have to haul Feliciano's fat ass up that ladder anyway? Fuck!"

"We'll get you some help soon, Romano." Arthur interjected, and Lovino gave him a seething look. "I'm sorry, lad, but our strategy requires more attention at the moment. I promise, we'll fix you up soon." Then he turned to Ivan before Lovino could say anything. "What do you suppose we should do?"

He didn't know why in the world he was asking Ivan of all people an important thing like this, but it was better than asking Kiku… he would probably just suggest they strap grenades to their backs and go in for the attack. And although it seemed very noble, it would go against their survival if they went kamikaze.

Ivan seemed a little too pleased for Arthur's liking that he was seeking advice from him. Since when had Arthur asked advice from anyone when planning for battle? "I suggest we gather our weapons and wait for their arrival. Then, before they can gather, we make our escape."

"To where, exactly?" Alfred asked venomously.

Ivan's smile spread wider, making everyone take a step back. "To whatever safe house is nearby."

"That doesn't leave us very many options, then." Alfred replied stiffly, taking out his handgun and clicking the safety off. "But I'll shoot down anyone who tries to kill us."

"That's reassuring," Arthur deadpanned.

"Hey!" Alfred rounded on him, pointing his gun at him, making Arthur flinch. "I'm a perfectly good shot! Remember, not a hundred years ago, I—"

"Don't aim the bloody thing at me, git!"

"I say we do a headcount." Ludwig suggested. "We need to know all we can about what's happened, so anyone who knows or has seen a country dead needs to fess up now."

The atmosphere became incredibly tense, but Alfred, once again, was completely oblivious to it. He instantly stepped into the center of the circle they formed and put away his gun… thankfully. "Alrighty, then. Russia, why don't you start?"

No translations

A Word From the Writer: America is to asshole as asshole is to Russia. Really, they both are and they feed off of each other. There can only be one major asshole of the world, you decide!

*For the last line was tempted to write "China, I choose you!" but then realized it was a horrible cliché... not so horrible that it didn't deserve a mention, though* :D