A/N: In this chapter, my darlings, we will see a bit more Kili. The angst and pain that RagdollPrincess is putting her prince through is simply delicious! Her OFC, Reese, is a member of the race she invented, Futurians, people from our time stuck in Middle Earth. In her story the following chapter is chapter 34, and in the preceding story we see Reese and Kili fall in love and enter steamy relationships. She leaves him after some time though, frightened and threatened by the fact she would have to adopt Dwarven traditions and customs, were she to agree to marry him. I highly encourage you to read the story, it is going to put you through painful hell of emotions, and you will love RagdollPrincess for it! :) And again, the smut is glorious!

Written by RagdollPrincess

Kili of the line of Durin woke the next day to find Balin dozing in a chair by the door. He had a splitting headache and cringed as he caught his own scent, his stomach lurching ominously as he tasted stale beer in his mouth. He sat up in the bed and put his feet on the floor, clearing his throat as he rested his head in his hands. He nearly vomited as he dislodged the phlegm in his throat. He needed something to rinse his mouth out and looked around to find water.

Seeing a pitcher and glass on a dresser across the room, he rose to reach for it but crashed to the floor loudly as he suddenly felt extremely dizzy and nauseous. Rising to his knees, he heaved and vomited on the floor, his sick splattering over his hands and running along the floorboards.

He heard Balin rise, and a glass of water appeared before him. He accepted it gratefully, drinking it in one gulp, before glancing around to find a rag to clean up his sick. Using a sheet from the bed, he began to mop up the mess.

This was beginning to become a more frequent occurrence, although he'd never in his life been as drunk as he had been last night. He didn't remember very much after he and Balin arrived at the inn. He had a vague recollection of his arguing with Thorin, and then everything was a blur.

He imagined Balin had decided to sleep in his room to make sure Kili didn't die in his sleep. Kili felt a surge of guilt at the discomfort Balin would have been in as a result. They were back on the road today, and Balin had given up his one night to sleep in a comfortable bed.

Kili hadn't intended to get so drunk but his anger and jealously at Thorin's happiness and pending marital bliss to the healer had been too painful. He'd desperately wanted to escape and the ale as usual was his way out.

Bunching the soiled sheet in a ball and tossing it in a corner, Kili rose to his feet, feeling a bit better although still extremely hungover. The buzzing pressure in his head that was always present was still there, but he was able to stumble across the room to the pitcher to splash some water on his face. He smelled disgusting and could hardly stand himself. He desperately needed a bath.

"Come along, laddie, let's get some food into you," Balin said behind him. Kili nodded silently as he followed the older dwarf.

Thorin wasn't present at breakfast, and Balin explained that the evening before Thorin had planned to go out first thing in the morning to purchase two more ponies for the healer and her belongings. Kili nodded, wondering if Thorin would ever begin to act like a monarch and allow others to do these things for him. He thought it unlikely.

Despite his protesting stomach, he was able to eat a little, which seemed to make Balin happy as well. He wondered if it was too early to have ale with his meal. He felt he needed something to fortify himself with before embarking on the journey with the lovers. A month ago a hangover such as this would have made him swear off drinking, even if he didn't last the day before breaking his promise to himself. However, he was more realistic now and had come to accept his need, often beginning to drink before the day had fully begun.

The serving girl raised her eyebrows as he placed his order but didn't argue. Balin regarded him sadly from across the table. "Don't you think you could wait a bit, laddie?"

Kili shook his head. "There is no way that I can make it through this journey without something to dull …."

"The pain," Balin finished for him.

Kili nodded and rested his forehead in his hand, eyes closed.

"It won't always be like this, laddie, but I hate to see you ruin your life in the meantime," Balin added.

Kili shook his head again. "Right now I just need to get through this journey with those two. I don't know if I'll be able to stomach it. For the love of Mahal, I wish I understood why Thorin brought me on this journey."

"I believe The King wanted to keep an eye on you," Balin smiled from across the table.

Kili snorted. "I don't need someone to keep an eye on me. And this journey has just made things worse. I just reminds me how useless I am." Kili gestured with his hands. He wasn't even helpful in providing protection. Since the battle, he'd been too terrified to hold a weapon and hadn't even brought his bow on the journey.

"And they make you think of her, don't they?" Balin asked.

Kili nodded as he stared at the table. Balin knew about the elf, but Kili knew Balin was referring to Reese, who occupied so many of Kili's thoughts. "Which just makes everything else even worse, the sleep, the images, this pressure in my head that I can't seem to get rid of," he groaned as he said the last words, rubbing his temple ineffectually.

Balin nodded sadly again. He appeared to be struggling with something and took a long while before he spoke again. "Have you considered going to Adelaide, asking her to come back to you?"

Kili looked at Balin as though he was crazy. "What, and go through this all again? She won't have changed. She never will, so what purpose would that serve? She'll never agree to live in Erebor and to adopt dwarrow ways," Kili shook his head. "This happens to dwarves all the time where the woman doesn't want the man despite his love for her, and that's that. The man has no choice but to continue on with life."

"Aye, but those dwarves aren't in love with Futurians. She was scared and didn't understand. But she is less stubborn than a dwarf and if she knew you wanted her she might come. She might be too afraid to contact you, might think … for some reason… that it's best if she stays away and that you wouldn't want her."

Kili gave Balin a hard look. "And I don't want her, Master Balin. I don't see how it could ever work. We're too different, from different worlds. It's just too hard. It was a mistake from the beginning, Mahal's plans be praised," Kili rolled his eyes skyward in irritation. "And nothing can be done about it now. I have no desire to see her, even if she still loves me, as much as I might …." He stopped talking, not wishing to speak of how much he still loved the woman. He did wonder if things would be better if he had her, but then he remembered that having her meant struggling, fighting, always trying to convince her to stay and not to run away from him, and he knew he couldn't do that anymore, not the way he was now. Not after so much loss and so much pain.

Balin reached across the table to pat Kili's hand in a fatherly manner, a moment of intimacy Kili had been missing, even if he told himself he hadn't. Thorin had been absent in his preoccupation with this journey, and bringing Kili along only served to make Kili feel as though he was a child, not a man to be treated with respect. But still, the simple act of comfort from Balin was warming to him, even if just for a moment.

"What do you miss about her?" Balin asked quietly.

Kili glanced at Balin, surprised at the question. It wasn't typical of dwarves to encourage such intimate confessions in each other, and even Fili hadn't asked Kili this question. Kili sighed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and staring blankly across the room, thinking for a moment. "Everything. Even the things I hated about her, I miss." He shook his head at the last words, and Balin chuckled along with him at the thought.

"Aye, so it seems to be the way of things with women," Balin laughed. Kili laughed with him and felt himself smile, unable to resist Balin's laugh, his underused muscles aching at the feeling.

He sat considering the white haired dwarf. Even though Balin was much older than he was, Kili felt as though Balin was treating him as an equal, a friend. He hadn't felt that from anyone in a long while, finding instead people tiptoed around him, protecting him like a child. Reese had been the worst, actually, not sharing parts of herself with him, treating him as though he was fragile and needing to be protected from life, not even talking to him before she left as though he couldn't possibly have anything to say that might be important or helpful. As though he couldn't possibly understand where she was coming from. And he did understand, of course he did. He just couldn't believe she would disappear like that without giving him a say at all.

Kili sighed. "I miss how I felt around her. Even though she was always freaked out, always just a little bit skittish, I felt … safe, like nothing bad could happen." Balin nodded at him gently as he paused. "I actually fear for what the company must think of her because I don't think they saw in her what I did. She cares so deeply for other people. She's always helping, and she's fiercely loyal to the people she loves. Usually," Kili added wryly. "It was so hard for her to decide to come on the quest with us, to leave her people behind. She missed Adam and Julie horribly. Although she never really spoke of it, I could tell."

Kili stopped. He felt slightly sick talking about the things he loved about Reese. He didn't want to miss her, didn't want to think about how he would love to have her back in his life. He wanted to hold onto the hurt and anger because he knew it wasn't an option for him. He was different now, and he knew he wasn't able to handle her anymore. He wasn't able to put up with the crap. At this thought, he felt himself retreat into the safety of his hostility.

"But she is nothing but ikminshulk to me, now."

Balin sat considering Kili for a moment. Kili glanced at him, and the older dwarf looked as though he had something to tell Kili. "What is it?" Kili asked

Balin opened his mouth and closed it again, and then finally spoke. "I liked her," he shrugged, smiling at the dark prince. "She was a good lass, and you seemed to be good for her."

Kili laughed coldly. "Not good enough, obviously."

Balin sighed and pushed Kili's plate towards him. "Eat some more. We have a long journey ahead of us."

Kili obliged, forcing some bread down his throat that he followed with a mouthful of ale. He eyed the dwarf across from him. He realized he knew very little about Balin. Balin spent more time with Fili. Being both elder brothers, they had similar temperaments. Kili and Dwalin had more in common, and Kili realized he couldn't even remember a single time in his life before this moment that he had been alone with Balin. To him he had always been his grandfather's and uncle's counsellor and a warrior, nothing more. Slightly irritable and grumpy when he and Fili got into trouble as dwarflings, not that they didn't deserve it. And Balin had no family besides Dwalin.

"I suppose you're lucky to have avoided all of this muck with love and women, hey?" Kili joked, attempting to lighten the mood.

Balin glanced up at him in amusement. "Actually, I fell in love once."

Kili blinked, immediately regretting his insensitive words. He really could be too impulsive sometimes. "What happened?"

"She loved someone else, married him instead." Balin smiled gently. He didn't seem sad discussing it. "It was more than 100 years ago," he shrugged.

"Who?" Kili asked incredulously. He wondered if he knew the person who had stolen Balin's love.

"The King at the time," Balin answered, his eyes twinkling at Kili as he spoke.

Kili sat in his chair. "Gamil Amad?" he asked, astonished by Balin's confession. His mind whirled. Balin had been in love and rejected, which happened to dwarves all the time of course, but the personal connection made him react more to Balin's confession.

"I didn't know," said Kili. "I never realized the connection." His grandmother would have been quite a bit older than Balin at the time, which hardly mattered. "Does Thorin know?" Kili asked.

Balin shrugged. "Possibly. It hardly matters now," he said as he smiled gently at Kili. "But it gets easier, laddie, you'll see," Then he repeated his words from moments before, "But I really would hate to see you ruin your life in the meantime."

The day was cold and grey as Balin, Kili, and Thorin waited in the courtyard of the inn for the healer, who had just run inside for a moment. Kili had managed to find a bath and smelled much less like the inside of a rotting carcass. When the healer returned, Kili turned away while Thorin helped her onto her pony, but not before he saw Thorin slid his hand down the healer's thigh and be rewarded with a small smirk from her. Kili had been surprised at her garb. She was dressed as a dwarrowdam might for travel in black breeches and a red velvet coat that reached her thigh. Her hair was in a more elaborate style that complimented her unusual features as well as could be expected. She looked quite adorable actually, and Kili couldn't help noticing her tiny rounded bottom as Thorin hoisted her onto the pony before he turned away gritting his teeth, the buzzing in his head growing.

At last they were on the road again, travelling East. They would be travelling for several weeks, planning to spend a few nights in Rivendell, much to Thorin's chagrin. Thorin's relations with elves had improved significantly in the past months, but he still preferred to avoid them as much as possible. Staying at Rivendell was far too close to Adelaide for Kili's comfort, only a day's ride away, and the last thing he wanted to feel the pull towards Reese, or worse to encounter her at Rivendell should she be in attendance on one of her trading missions. He could only presume that she had returned to her previous work upon her return to her people.

The healer had exclaimed in excitement when she'd learnt they would be stopping at Rivendell. "Oh, I've always wanted to go there!" she'd said as they departed Bree. Kili had to turn his head away so that she didn't see the irritated expression on his face. Not that he spent any time looking at her to begin with. He avoided her as much as he possibly could, always riding ahead of their party so that he didn't have to see her.

He had to listen to her though. Balin appeared to be quite taken with her, and they chatted amicably throughout each day. She peppered Balin with questions about Erebor, his ancestors, dwarf customs, the company, the quest. She was very diplomatic about it, but she seemed to have a way of making Balin open up and chatter on incessantly, much to Kili's irritation.

Thorin's behaviour towards the healer was of a more physical nature, and he'd often hear giggles when they went to fetch water from the stream, which they always volunteered for until Balin and Kili stopped offering and just handed them the water skins whenever they were near water. Kili was surprised, however, at how chaste their behaviour was. They were never gone for any significant period of time, and unless Thorin was losing his touch, Kili was sure their behaviour towards each other never went farther than a hurried embrace in the trees.

Despite his avoidance of the healer, Kili quickly learnt his assessment of her had been quite inaccurate. She was clearly an honorable woman who loved his uncle dearly. It appeared she truly had been waiting for him in hopes that he would one day return. He'd had to endure hearing the story again as Balin had asked her about it. She and Thorin had been disgustingly sweet as they'd sat by the fire, legs barely touching, as they told them of how they'd met, how grumpy and intolerable Thorin had been towards her, and how she had always hoped he would return to her. They clearly left out several details and had reshaped the tale into a sweet love story that painted Thorin as a love struck puppy, which Kili knew couldn't be any farther from the truth.

Despite his eagerness to get back to Erebor, he was relieved when they'd finally arrived at Rivendell. He would have three days break at least from the lovers. He intended to spend those three days in his quarters and hopefully wouldn't be required to emerge for meals. He doubted this likelihood though, as it would likely be a source of concern if the younger prince of Erebor didn't join the king and Lord Elrond. But any break would be welcome before they continued on their journey.

ikminshulk = dirt

Amad = mother

Gamil = old