The Sea of Something unfolded beneath Bonnibel and Lady as they flew eastwards, following the glowing streamers that marked the ocean currents.
Lady pointed ahead. "There! They all lead to that beach!"
She was right, but Bonnibel couldn't see the exact point of convergence. They were lost in the turmoil a few hundred feet off shore. "We better take a closer look."
The beach they landed on wasn't much more than a thin strip of coarse, frost-covered sand between the rocks and the water. If Bonnibel had her geography right, they were right on the outskirts of the Ice Kingdom.
Lady dipped a foot in the water, and quickly pulled it out. "Brrrr!" She rubbed her feet together. "I don't know how I expected it to feel."
"I'm sure this is the origin of the anomalies," said Bonnibel, using a thermometer to measure the water temperature. "Hm. Normally this water would be flowing west to cool the Monster Kingdom. This must be it's been so hot lately!"
Just as she'd thought. It was a good thing too. It had taken hours to put all that light in the water.
Lady scanned the empty beach. "What do you think it is?"
Bonnibel did the same. "I don't know yet. With Simon and Gunter missing, I suspect foul play."
"Oh, they're missing?" said Lady worriedly. "I didn't know that."
Bonnibel picked a chunk of ice off the ground and inspected it. "They were last heard from a week ago. Finn Ice was keeping half the grasslands awake with his fresh jams, so Simon and Gunter chased him to the Ice Kingdom. And then, all three of them vanished." She dropped the ice and rummaged through her pack for her radar.
"Finn Ice!" Lady repeated. She gestured at the icy landscape. "Could he be behind this?"
Bonnibel shook her head. "He's terrified of the ocean, Lady. I think we can rule him out. For once." Something on the radar caught her eye. "A cave!"
She and Lady ran up the beach to a collection of small boulders. According to the radar, there was a deep cave right below their feet.
Bonnibel produced a crowbar and began clearing away the rocks. "Feel like going spelunking?"
Lady gulped, but she said "Let's go."
.
"You know, I think I'm finally getting the hang of it."
Simon groaned. "Go suck on a... cheese ball..." he whispered. He wanted to yell, but he was too weak to raise his voice.
"What did you say? I didn't catch that." The sound of footsteps approached.
Simon grit his teeth. "I said-" Pain exploded in his chest, and he screamed.
"Don't be such a baby. It's just one rib."
"Ri... cardio..." Simon muttered. He'd never hated a part of his body as much as he hated his heart right now. Simon might not be as much of a hero as he tried to be, but he would never put somebody on biomagical life support and steal their organs to build himself a better body.
Would he?
Ricardio was a part of him.
Didn't that make them, at some level, the same?
Simon's rib began to grow back, and his attention returned to the gaping hole in his chest.
"Something tells me you don't want to be here, Simon," Ricardio was saying. "You know you can leave at any time."
Simon forced himself to look up, and said "You are a complete butt."
Ricardio had given him back his sword days ago, but even with his mind clouded from the pain, Simon knew he couldn't cut himself lose. The arteries that bound him to the floor were also the only thing keeping him alive, as well as the only reason his organs regenerated when Ricardio took them. Simon didn't think his heart wanted him dead yet, but only because it would be inconvenient. Maybe if he tried to escape, Ricardio would just reattach him and take parts from his corpse.
He held onto the sword, though. Maybe he could only cut some of the arteries. He didn't need them all to stay alive. Right? He could function on only a little blood. If he just cut all the ones on his right side, maybe he could stretch the left ones far enough get to the pool of water Ricardo had his stolen hands in.
"Yes, I think it's time..." said Ricardio to himself.
"Time for... Time for what?" Simon mumbled, though he thought he knew. There was only one thing in the ocean important enough for his heart to risk insanity.
.
The cave started out as a narrow tunnel, but it soon widened into a chamber large enough to stand up in. Up ahead, three tunnels tunnels snaked off into the ground. They seemed to be coated in something shiny and red. Mucus membrane? No, that was silly. Bonnibel had been dissecting too many bodies.
Bonnibel inspected her heart monitor, which was the only locating device that seemed to work down here. "Hmm... There's three hearts over that way. No, wait! Eight."
"Eight?" said Lady, peering at the heart monitor. "Are you sure?"
Bonnibel selected the fastest heart rate and zoomed in a bit. "Look. This one has five heartbeats close by, and they're going even faster." She needed to add a function that displayed the exact beats per minute. It was hard to judge by eye at speeds like these.
"Parasites?" Lady suggested.
"I don't think so," said Bonnibel. She bit her lip. "Listen. The other two heartbeats are at a rate consistent with humanoids." She pointed at the cluster of heartbeats. "Hearts this fast are usually found in small animals. I think we found the boys, and Finn Ice. And I think Gunter might be- Look out!"
A tentacle whipped towards them, and Bonnibel dived out of the way just in time.
It hit Lady right in the belly.
"Lady!" Bonnibel reached into her backpack and drew her Ball Blam Burglerber.
.
Ricardio checked on his old host before he did anything else. Simon had passed out again, but he seemed to be breathing. Good. As enjoyable as it was to taunt him, he would have to stop him if he really tried to cut his way free. Ricardio hadn't yet perfected his new body, and even if there had been any other humans around, there was no guarantee that their organs would be a proper match.
All his body really, really needed was a head large enough to wear a crown. But Ricardio was a big believer in form over function. His girls would be arriving soon, and he had to look his best.
In fact, it was just about time for his first guest. Ricardio took Finn Ice's crown from where he'd dropped it, and placed it back on his body's head.
He could wear the crown without ill effects because, as Simon had theorised, it only drove non-magical creatures insane. That was why nothing had happened to Gunter. Ricardio had taken a huge gamble in assuming that Simon was correct, but some things were worth it for love.
Afterwards, he'd thanked Simon profously, but Simon hadn't responded. He'd probably accidentally crushed a fly or something. By Ricardio's calculations, the accidental death of an insect corresponded to at least three solid hours of self-flaggellation. No wonder Simon had ended up this way.
He dipped his hands in the water. This pool was connected to the open sea, and as long as he was touching it, he could influence the temperature of the ocean anywhere within about a ten mile radius. Water got denser as it got colder, and changes in density drove ocean currents.
Well, that and wind, but he couldn't do much about that from here. Maybe later.
Ricardio concentrated. A few months ago, he'd found that he could influence Simon's interests. As a result, Simon had gained a sudden fascination with the terrain of the ocean floor all around Uuu. He'd made some very detailed maps, without ever suspecting a thing.
He conjured up an image of those maps in his mind, and cooled the water at three very specific locations.
There was a loud wooshing, and then a splash.
Ricardio took enough of a look to confirm that he'd caught the fish he was aiming for, and blasted ice at the pile of boulders he'd balanced just above the pool. They fell, sealing off the crack at the bottom of the pool that led outside.
He threw off the crown and jumped into the water. Ricardio had deliberately designed this body without lungs, so that he could interact with either of his future wives without trouble.
The most beautiful and enchanting princess in the ocean or out of it was cradling her head, clearly a bit dazed.
Ricardio swam over to her. "I'm sorry, my sweet. Did I hurt you?"
Betty focused on him, then looked over her shoulder. "Are you talking to me? Are you- Did you pull me in here?"
Ricardio put a hand on her arm, and grabbed her wrist when she pulled away. "Yes, of course. Beautiful."
"What?!" Betty managed to break out of his grip - Ricardio needed to increase his muscle mass - and swam for the exit.
She was so sassy. Ricardio loved that about her. Up to a point.
He stayed where he was. There was nowhere for her to go.
Betty came back a few seconds later. "There's no way out of here. What did you do? What do you want?" She seemed perfectly calm now, which Ricardio took as a good sign.
Ricardio kissed her dainty webbed hand. "Not much. Just your hand in marriage."
Betty didn't swim away or jerk back this time. She just looked at him strangely. "I don't even know you. I'm not gonna marry someone I don't even know. Who are you?"
"Are you sure you don't know me, princess?" said Ricardio. He pulled her into a one-handed embrace, which she immediately slipped out of, and pointed upwards. "Take a look up there."
Betty took a deep breath and poked her head above the water. There was a short gasp, and she came back under, coughing up bubbles.
"What did you do to-" She coughed again. "What did you do to Simon?" A small whirlpool began to form in the centre of the pool.
"Forget about him," said Ricardio soothingly. "You're with me now. The best part of Simon." Much better than that overactive brain. He was seriously considering removing Simon's amygdala permanently.
"The best part...? What does..." The look on Betty's face told Ricardio that she'd just got it. "What have you done to yourself this time, Simon?" she said quietly.
"What does it matter?" So Simon hadn't told Betty about him. Good. He didn't want Betty's opinion tained by Simon's misguidedness.
Betty flipped onto her back and swam into the shallows. The whirlpool subsided. "Okay, listen. I'm flattered that Simon likes me so much that his heart would... try to kidnap me, but it's not going to work out between us. Unblock the tunnel and... fix Simon, and we'll pretend this never happened."
"Simon?" said Ricardio with a laugh. "He can't even breathe underwater. Why would I want to, uh, "fix" him?"
He'd expected something like this. Betty didn't yet understand Ricardio's superiority, or how beyond fixing Simon was. Simon could barely even stay awake for more than two minutes at a time. His "hero" days were over. He should have been grateful Ricardio was even keeping him alive for spare parts, but of course he wasn't. That boy had no sense of priorities.
"So, you say you can do anything Simon can do?" said Betty. She still didn't seem angry. This was going to be easy.
"Yes, and more." Ricardio took her hand and kissed it.
Betty pulled her hand away gently. "Can you... solve this differential equation?"
She produced an underwater notebook, wrote something, and handed it over.
Ricardio stared at the equation with his hand on the chin of his head. It didn't look easy, but it was definitely something that Simon was capable of. And that meant that Ricardio could do it too. "I can. May I borrow your pen?"
Betty gave it to him, and he scribbled furiously for a few minutes. Eventually he figured it out and held up the answer, breathing hard. Mathematics was invigorating!
Betty took the notebook and inspected it carefully. She hadn't warmed up enough to him to tell him if he was right or not, but he could see it on her face. He'd solved it perfectly. Just like Simon would have. No, better than Simon.
"You see?" he said.
Apparently Betty needed a bit more convincing, because she said "And if a hybernotalist rift forms inside another hybernotalist rift, how does that affect the arrangement of the spiral nano-babylons?"
Ricardio laughed. Now she was asking trivia questions? He had this. He'd nearly captured her heart. And the rest of her. "They would form a g-dimensional hypotetrabubaflo, resulting in the complete collapse of the plasmid ecosystem, of course."
"One more question," said Betty. She swam up to him, and Ricardio smiled. He'd practically won her over already. "Why is it wrong to kidnap people?"
Ricardio frowned. "I'm sorry, I don't think I follow." What was this? Philosophy? He didn't know she was into philosophy.
Betty got very close, and Ricardio beat hard. "Why. Is. Kidnapping. Wrong?"
Ah. It was a trick question. "Right... wrong... Who makes these concepts? Philosophers? Don't slow yourself down with the soft sciences. Or you'll end up like him." He waved his hand in the general direction of Simon.
He smiled. She'd probably never thought of it that way before! He'd even managed to include another dig at Simon's inadequacy. He was on fire today.
Maybe it was because she was a mermaid, but Ricardio couldn't quite identify Betty's reaction. She was frowning and her eyes were narrowed. She looked almost... contemptuous. "Simon is a kamillion times better than you."
Hm. Maybe she wasn't as smart as he'd thought. That was disappointing. "That's not very scientific, my dear."
Betty opened her mouth, and there was a beep from the manly, muscular pager on one of Ricardio's manly, muscular wrists.
"Oh my. And so far ahead of schedule." Someone else had arrived in the inner sanctum. Someone made of sugar, butadiene, and artificial flavourings. "I'm sorry princess, but I have another... haha, engagement."
Betty spat salt at him, and Ricardio wiped it off with one of his backup livers. She'd come around. He was glad for the respite, to tell the truth. He needed to think of a better approach.
Bonnibel would be easy. He'd charmed her before, and he could do it again. And then she could help him crack the princess.
.
The crown rolled to a stop at Simon's shoulder, but Simon barely noticed. One look at Ricardio's delighted face before he'd dived in was all he needed to convince himself that he'd trapped Betty.
No matter how he craned his neck, he couldn't tell what was going on in the pool. Was Ricardio trying to cut out her heart too? Or had he been telling the truth when he'd said he wanted the "whole package"? Simon didn't know if the crown's effects had really been blocked by Ricardio's inherent magic, or if it just couldn't make him any crazier than he already was.
The crown...
Simon reached over painfully and managed to grab one of its points. Maybe he could... He had to save Betty. He had to save her! It was his fault she was trapped like this. Ricardio was only in love with her because Simon was. He had to make it right.
Even if it meant... Even if it meant losing himself. It was the price he paid for getting her into this.
He managed to grab hold of the crown with both hands, but he couldn't bring himself to put it on. What if he became even more dangerous than Ricardio? What could he even do without a heart? Magic almost always got weaker as the caster did.
What if he made Betty hate him? To his knowledge, Finn Ice had been a pretty okay guy until he'd got the crown, and now he was... Well, he was Finn Ice.
Someone kicked him in the side. "Oof!"
"Simon?" It was Bonnibel. "Is that you?" She looked down and shrieked.
"Hey," said Simon weakly. He was well aware of how he must look. He'd shriek at himself too. Maybe. If he thought Gunter wouldn't make fun of him for it. For very long.
He held onto the crown. Maybe Bonnibel could succeed where he'd failed, but Ricardio was in love with her as well. As long as he was free, she was in danger. Simon should have realised something like this would happen. He should have done more to get over his crush on her. There were so many things he should have done
"Bonnibel! What a pleasant surprise."
Bonnibel peered into the darkness. "Ricardio...?"
Ricardio stepped into the light, revealing the body he'd built. "Yes, it is I."
Simon rolled his eyes, and winced as pain shot through the front of his skull. Ricardio had spent nearly a full day setting up the lighting that made that entrance possible.
"I must say, I'm impressed that you found me so quickly. What gave it away? Psycho-magical residue, perhaps? Did one of those taffy dogs sniff us out?"
"Where's Gunter?" Bonnibel demanded. She hesitated. "And... And Finn-Ice?"
"Don't worry, they're safe," said Ricardio, incorrectly. "See?" He leaned down and hefted Gunter and Finn Ice over like sacks of potatoes.
Bonnibel held Gunter's flipper. "Poisoned with zanoits..." she mumbled. "I can't believe even you would do this to- Simon, is that Finn Ice's crown?"
Simon dropped the crown. Under her glare, wearing the crown didn't seem so heroic and redeeming.
"You didn't put it on, did you?" said Bonnibel, checking his forehead.
Simon shook his head, which didn't help his headache, and managed to say "I'm so sorry! I couldn't stop him. I'm sorry!"
"It's okay-" Bonnibel began.
"Oh Bonnibel!" called Ricardio. "Look what I can do now!" He picked something long and thick up from the floor - It was Lady Rainicorn! She was singed and seemed to be unconscious. "Behold!" Ricardio held Lady above his head and tied her in a knot.
Bonnibel gasped. So did Simon.
"What is wrong with you?" demanded Bonnibel, still with a hand on Simon's forehead.
Ricardio got up close to her and said "Now now, what kind of a tone is that to take towards your future husband?"
Simon tried to focus through the fuzziness in his brain. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" No, there was something else he could say. He was sure. Something he could say that would outwit Ricardio and make everything right. "I'm sorry, Bonnie..."
"Silence, Simon!" said Ricardio, and stamped on his face.
.
Betty searched floor to surface for a way out of the pool, but that heart guy had done a good job sealing it. With the room almost entirely flooded with air, the only was she was getting out was if she learned to hold her breath.
What did he expect her to do? Sit here for the rest of her life, completely isolated from the ocean?
Someone plunged their head into the water, and Betty turned towards them with a scowl.
To her surprise, it wasn't heart guy this time. It was just her second least favourite person in the world. "Bonnibel." Her scowl deepened.
"Wait!" said Bonnibel, like Betty had anywhere to go. "Just hear me out!" She turned her head to the side, turned back, and continued. "I understand why you don't want to talk to me, but I think I know how to stop Ricardio."
Ricardio? What was that, the heart guy's name? Why would a heart need a name? Surface people were weird. Betty folded her arms and waited for Bonnibel to continue.
"All you have to do is reject him," Bonnibel said. "He's really sensitive to that. The hard part is getting him to believe you. You may have to use violence."
"You want me to break Simon's heart?" said Betty. She was on to Bonnibel. Ricardio was a creep, and she did want to violently reject him, but if the price was ruining her relationship with the only boy who'd ever liked her, it was too high.
Bonnibel looked genuinely confused. "What? They're separate beings now. Simon is never gonna feel what Ricardio does. I'd do it myself, but it would work much better with you. I think he likes you as much as Simon does! Please, Betty, it'll be fine. I told you, I won't interfere in your relationships anymore."
Betty doubted it, but there were more important things on the line than Bonnibel's scheming. As far as she could see, there were two choices. She could risk having to break up with her boyfriend, or she could stay in this cave forever with an eviscerated boyfriend that she could never touch or speak to. And his wad of a heart.
"Fine. Tell him... Tell him I want to fight him in oceanic wrestling." Betty had an idea. Mostly her idea was about beating up Ricardio.
Bonnibel smiled and made a circle with her finger and thumb.
Betty rotated onto her back and looked beyond the surface. She could just see Bonnibel speaking to a very smug-looking Ricardio. Bonnibel offered him some valuable-looking crown, but Ricardio shook his head and knocked it away.
When he looked away, Bonnibel smirked.
Ricardio splashed into the water. "Betty, my dear! Bonnibel tells me you came around to my charms after all!" He glanced up at Bonnibel, who was watching them. "Oh, I hope you don't mind sharing."
"Yeah, whatever," said Betty. "I mean..." She put on the formal voice she usually reserved for visiting dignitaries. "Your interest in me is flattery enough, Sir... Heart Guy...?"
"Please, call me Ricardio," said Ricardio. "Bonnibel mentioned a friendly bout...?" He posed, making sure Betty could see every one of his muscles.
Yeah. 'Friendly.' "Are you sure you really want to do this?" said Betty. "I'm pretty good." She didn't actually care about his safety, but she didn't want him to say she hadn't warned him.
"Of course!" said Ricardio. He posed again. "How can I resist such a Valkyrian proposal?"
In response, Betty started a mild current around the pool. It was a pretty standard opener when you didn't know much about your opponent.
Ricardio's response was not standard. He remained stationary by holding onto the wall, and took a swing at her.
Betty used the current to tug his arm away, and frowned. Did he even know what oceanic wrestling was? She assumed he had some way to control the currents, or he wouldn't have been able to trap her like this, so why wasn't he using it?
"Ooh, I'm impressed," said Ricardio, trying to pull his arm forward. Betty increased the flow.
One by one, the sinews on Ricardio's arm began to detach.
How poorly was this body put together? Had he made it himself, or something? It was barely enough pressure to keep his arm pinned. She pulled harder, and the arm flew off and down the length of the pool.
Ricardio clung to the wall, speechless for once.
Betty yanked off his other arm and used a vortex to hold him at eye level. "Do you even know anything about this sport? Do you know anything about the ocean? About me?"
Ricardio opened his mouth, but Betty couldn't really hear him over the whirling of the current. She caught something about love, and making her happy.
"The second rule of oceanic wrestling is to go with the flow, and you didn't even do that!" said Betty. "You think you know all about me, don't you? Simon may not know much about the ocean either, but at least he's trying to learn! You just messed him up and jumped right in here like you already knew everything! I don't know what kind of crazy magic made you, but you're not Simon's heart. You're not even his butt."
She pulled off his legs one at a time.
"And by the way, the first rule of oceanic wrestling is not to enter a match with the freaking ocean princess unless you know what you're doing!" Her anger made her more forceful than she intended, but she didn't really care. She'd show Bonnibel who was physically unstable.
Finally, she ripped off his stupid fake head and tossed him onto land with a water spout.
As much as she hated to admit it, Bonnibel was probably right about one thing. Betty refused to believe that there was any real connection between Simon and Ricardio. It might as well have been his bow tie or boots that had come to life.
.
It took a bit of time, but Bonnibel got them all outside. Simon had woken up eventually, but he'd passed out again when she removed him from those life support... tendrils. Probably just shock. She hoped.
Since it had happened magically, the loss of his heart wouldn't kill him straight away. She didn't know exactly how long he had, though. He needed real treatment, fast.
Finn Ice and Gunter were both stable, though she couldn't wake them up. How long had they been out? Zanoit-derived poisons only got stronger the longer they were left untreated.
Lady had second degree burns all over her body. She was awake, but barely, and Bonnibel felt terrible for bringing her along. If only she'd known the dungeon was so dangerous.
So. She had four people in need of varying levels of medical attention. She wished the tentacles hadn't taken her backpack, but there was only so much she could do in the field.
Bonnibel turned back towards the ocean. Approaching the shore was a raft made of tree trunks tied together with kelp. Betty had come back with the driftwood she'd promised to find.
Bonnibel braced herself, shoved her face into the freezing water, and said "Thanks, Betty!"
"No problem," Betty replied.
Bonnibel still didn't think Betty liked her much, and she couldn't really blame her. She was just glad Betty was mature enough put aside their differences when something more came up. And it was good to see Simon getting over his silly crush on Bonnibel and dating someone his own age.
He wasn't completely over her, if Ricardio was any indication, but... At least he had a girlfriend.
Bonnibel pulled the raft over to shore and lifted the others on one at a time. There was room as long as Lady coiled up a bit.
As she lifted Simon, he groaned and opened his eyes. "What...? Where's B...? Is...? C...?"
It took a second for Bonnibel to figure out what he was trying to say. "Betty's fine, Simon. She's going to help up the river, to my lab."
She put him on the raft. He tried to sit up, and fell back down. "Ri...?"
"The one between the Ice Kingdom and the Monster Kingdom, of course!" He was in worse shape than she'd thought if he couldn't remember the river he lived right next to him.
Betty poked her head out of the water and gurgled at Simon, then dove back under.
The current began to pick up, and the raft floated west, towards the mouth of the river.
"We can't go upstream without a method of propulsion, so... Simon?"
Simon's eyes were closed, but he seemed to be awake. He chuckled until he ran out of breath, then chuckled again.
Bonnibel felt his forehead, but he was quite cool. At least he didn't have a fever.
.
The trip went smoothly until sundown, when Simon started trying to take off his vest.
"Simon, what are you doing?" Bonnibel demanded. She grabbed his wrist. It was cold enough out here without getting naked.
Simon tried to jerk his hand away. "I'm just so hot," he said, a bit more clearly than before. "I'll sweat to death if I can't get this on."
"Did he say he was hot?" said Lady. She pressed a leg against his forehead, then pulled it back in alarm. "He's ice cold!"
Bonnibel felt Simon's forehead as well. Lady was right. She couldn't get an exact reading without a thermometer, but most mammals were definitely not supposed to get this cool.
"Hey, stop that," Simon slurred.
What was the matter with him? He hadn't really put on the crown, had he? His temperature was down, he was acting very strange... No, the physical changes didn't happen that fast. Besides, his eyes were still black.
It was something else, probably something to do with the loss of his heart... Oh! Of course! Bonnibel slapped herself in the forehead. "How could I have been so stupid?" It wasn't magic at all. "Lady, Simon has hypothermia. He can't regulate his body temperature without a heart, we need to warm him up. Are you strong enough to phase him into your body?" They should never have taken him so close to the Ice Kingdom.
Lady concentrated for a second, then said "I can't. I'm sorry. I've been nothing but a burden to you this entire time!"
"Don't say sorry," said Bonnibel. "You're not well either. Maybe-"
"I'm sorry," said Simon, for no apparent reason. "I'm so sorry." He trailed his hand in the water and mumbled to himself. "Heheh. The water's cool. It's so cool, it's... it's rad. On the crazy sick scale, it's at least a solid... twenty-seven... Maybe twenty-eight..."
"Simon, quit apologising!" said Bonnibel. "And get your hand out of there." At this rate he wouldn't even last the night.
Lady used her teeth to pull his arm out by the sleeve. "Simon! You'll make yourself even colder!"
"What?" said Simon. "I... I don't... Don't try to confuse me, Lady. I know what you really meant. You really said... She said... Simon. Is that... What is that? My name?" He looked into the water, keeping his hand out this time. "Look, it's Betty!"
Betty, who'd been keeping pace with the raft, saw them looking and waved.
"Hi, Betty," said Simon, waving back as Lady pressed against him to warm him up. "I think you're one of my favourite princess, Betty. Hey, Betty. Let's have babies, Betty. And let's teach them to be good babies."
It was probably a good thing Betty couldn't hear him. Bonnibel moved Simon to the center of the raft and coiled Lady around him, before moving Gunter onto his chest. She left Finn Ice where he was. He was naturally- he was always cold.
.
Simon opened his eyes. He had vague memories of fire and ice - dreams, he guessed - but he felt okay now. Not great, but he didn't seem to be dying.
Where was he? Some sort of hospital? He sat up.
Yes, this was the hospital in the Monster Kingdom. He could tell by the spider patterns on the bed curtains. He'd ended up here enough times to know what they looked like. And to able to tell when they weren't patterns.
Simon stood unsteadily and opened the curtains. Bonnibel was talking to Doctor Princess at the far end of the room, but she looked around at the noise. "Simon! You're awake!"
"What happened?" said Simon. He took a step, and frowned. His body was making a weird sound. A... rattling? Yes, he was rattling. "What is that?"
Bonnibel looked him over. "Oh, that's just the maracas I used to make you a new heart. Don't worry, it should go away by the time the chest wound heals."
That wouldn't take long. Or it hadn't taken long last time Ricardio had shown up. Simon pulled his chest open and felt around inside. Bonnibel was right. There were definitely maracas in there. And... what was that sticky stuff holding them together? Toffee? Bonnibel did use a lot of candy as biomass substitute.
He guessed he probably shouldn't poke it.
Simon still had more questions than he could count, but he asked the most important one first. "Where's Gunter? Is he okay?"
Bonnibel smiled. "Yes. I just gave him and Finn the antidote I devised. He's over there. Gunter, I mean."
Simon sprinted to the bed she'd indicated and opened the curtain. "Gunter! Are you okay?"
"Yeah," replied Gunter slowly. His voice sounded a bit weak, but he had been poisoned for a really long time. Simon had faith in Bonnibel's skills. "Are you?"
"I think so," said Simon. He was definitely regaining his strength. "Bonnibel made me a new heart. Listen!" He moved from side to side, jiggling the maracas in his chest.
They both laughed.
"I hear mirth!" said Finn Ice from behind them. He picked Simon up and shook him vigorously. "You're right dude, this is hilarious! Shaka shaka shaka!"
"Put me down!" said Simon. He was beginning to get light-headed, like he'd been on the raft.
Oh Glob. The raft! Simon elbowed Finn Ice to make him drop him and said "Gunter! We were on a raft, and it was so hot I acted crazy! I have to go apologise to Betty! I think... I think I punned, Gunter!"
Gunter groaned weakly in reply. His eyes were closed.
"Gunter?" Simon repeated. He touched his forehead in an attempt to clear his thoughts, and leaned over the bed. "Gunter, what's the matter?" Was he beyond help? Had the Zanoits spent too long in his system? What was going on?
"Not Gunter!" said Finn Ice, pushing Simon out of the way. "Gunter, speak to me!"
Gunter waved his flipper weakly, then fell back on the bed. There was something wrong with his stomach. It was... growing? Should it be growing? That wasn't normal, even for magic penguins. Right?
"Oh no!" said Doctor Princess, behind them. "It's starting already? Get out of the way!"
Simon grabbed Finn Ice and let her pass. If anyone could help Gunter, Doctor Princess could. She was Uuu's leading specialist in treating little tuxedo people.
"Out of the way, short stuff!" said Finn Ice, trying to pull Simon away. "I wanna see!" After a couple of ineffective tugs, he gave up and froze Simon's legs.
Simon tried to pull his feet out, but the ice was too thick. "Hey!" Great. And on a day he was wearing shoes, too. They were going to be soaked by the time he got out of this.
Finn Ice tried to push past Doctor Princess to see what was going on. "Dee-Prins! Dee-Pree, I want in on this!"
Simon looked around wildly, but Bonnibel seemed to have disappeared. He had an idea of his own, but... He didn't like it. Oh well. If he cared about Gunter's safety, he had no choice. "Finn Ice, wait. Listen to this." He jerked from side to side, setting off the maracas.
Finn Ice immediately forgot what he was doing and laughed. "Brilliant! That's brilliant!" He slapped his knees. "You're like, Simon the Human Percussion Section!"
Simon didn't know how, but he managed to keep it up until Doctor Princess was done with... whatever. Emergency surgery?
"You need to get some rest," he heard Doctor Princess say.
"Junk that," said Gunter. "I've been resting all week. I've got to show Simon!"
Simon looked around, but he couldn't twist far enough to see the bed. "Gunter?"
Finn Ice gasped theatrically.
Then Gunter walked into his field of vision, holding five eggs in his arms.
"Eggs?" said Simon, puzzled. "Are they..." Gunter had been sick, and now he wasn't, and he was holding eggs... "Were you pregnant? Why didn't you tell me?"
Gunter began rubbing each egg over his body, one by one. "I dunno. I just never found the right time."
How had he got pregnant? Maybe he really was a woman. Or maybe not. It was hard to tell with Gunter.
Doctor Princess applied a stethoscope to each of the five eggs. "Good news. They all sound perfectly healthy."
Gunter pumped his flipper. "Yes! Simon! I'm going to be a parent! I'm going to have five babies!"
Simon smiled weakly, noticed Finn Ice reaching to pick him up again, and ducked.
"So, who's the... other parent?" said Doctor Princess. "If you don't mind me asking."
Gunter just shrugged, and Simon wondered if even he knew.