Been a while, eh? Sorry. I've more classes than ever. I will finish this! It's got one or two chapters left, and while I don't guarantee that they'll be swift I intend to write them. Thank you for the support! And, um, I'm sorry guys. It'll be over soon(ish), I promise.
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." -George Macdonald
BLIND Chapter 7: Dissonance
His feet were leading him somewhere. His mind was in compliance, but he didn't know why. He hadn't really had any problems going with Isabelle, it hadn't mattered. It would have been better than being alone, or worse. But he felt a pull, a strong need to walk away from her, from the group. To be alone in a dark New York alley.
It wasn't a feeling he was particularly familiar with, far from it lately considering his new found relations to the trashier versions of a road. In better terms, his relation to Sebastian. Still, he concealed his limp as he walked to the dark alleyway.
Maybe his newfound, horrible, connection to alleys was relevant to his strange new desire to go to one. He was panicking, or ready to, looking around, alert to the possibilities of danger. There appeared, he assessed, to just be a mundie in thick clothes that couldn't see him with his glamour, and piles of filth. He thought of how exhausted he was- emotionally, mentally, and physically. Maybe the pressure of it was weighing him down. He wouldn't be surprised if he'd gone insane and no one, including himself, had noticed. But he was still alert, despite everything.
Shadowhunters knew how to raise soldiers, that was for sure. He wondered, briefly, if that was a good thing or not. He knew his fate either way.
A hand came from behind, startling him, catching his shirt and pulling him backwards. He flailed against the person behind him, his mouth drying out as he noticed the inevitable grey cement appearing around him. He fought to breath through a wave of panic, turning limp at the sight of the dark metal cuffs drilled onto the wall, splattered with blood stolen from his shadowhunter-healed wrists. He lost what was left of his dignity, pride, when he was ensnared in those cuffs.
"Given up, have we?" Sebastian. Could he control Alec, make him move to the alley and then to his person, like a dog to his master? It didn't really matter, but that if that was the case he could always be subject to his own body betraying him. Not that it hadn't, frequently, betrayed him in the last weeks.
"That's no good," Sebastian scolded. "There were so many things I wanted to do... Oh well, I'll just have to speed things up. Today Jace is going to be in charge of your fate."
Alec felt himself moving back, being dragged across the floor. He pushed his elbow back quickly, catching Sebastian in the hip. There was a groan, and before a struggle could truly begin Alec was thrown onto a cool, metallic surface. The sudden impact pushed his breath out of his chest and immobilized him long enough for Sebastian to rapidly tie him into his restraints. There was a strap across his chest, abdomen, thighs and shins. He couldn't move, a feeling he'd become used to in the basement.
"What are you going to do to me?" Alec asked as he regained his breath. Why was he even asking? Maybe there was something left in him, after all. Maybe he was still trying to keep it all together. He wanted to fight back. He'd gotten Sebastian to groan in pain... that was something, to him, despite its futility.
"That's the spirit," Sebastian chuckled. "I want you to confess, heartfully, to my video camera, that you are personally picking up where Valentine left off. You want to eliminate the downworlder threat and re-contruct the Clave. Showing hostility, of course."
"Why would I do that?" Alec spat, and perhaps it was courageous, but the coward in him regretted it the moment he'd said it. Sebastian could kill him, could do any number of things. What he'd said was stupid. But he would stand by it. If he did confess , as Sebastian wanted him to, he'd be stripped of his marks for treason. Magnus wouldn't forgive him. His family... who knew how they'd react, but it wouldn't be pleasantly.
"It's all a part of the plan. Don't worry about it. Will you do it now, or will I have to force it out of you?"
It was an ominous offer. Alec shook his head. He had to hold on to something. He would be tortured, but he'd have to hold out. For as long as he could. He couldn't allow himself to give in to this, no matter what.
"That's too bad," Sebastian said in a tone that implied the opposite. "Jace!"
Alec heard heavy footsteps down what sounded like stairs. It would be Jace administering this... Alec felt sick.
The footsteps got closer, until he saw a smirking Jace over him. Then, his face was covered in a white cloth and his breathing sped up. He couldn't see. Anything could be happening, about to happen, and he wouldn't know. He was in a helpless position. Whatever facade of courage he has disappeared like a sandcastle struck by a tidal wave. He could do this, he could. Angel, he could do this. He had to.
He heard the flow of water before he felt the pressure of it over the cloth. He could feel it on his hair and neck, running across the cloth. He couldn't breath, a wall of water between him and the oxygen he needed. He tried to thrash, to get air, to apply his goddamn training, but he couldn't quell his heartbeat or his need for air. He couldn't escape the pounding in his body, the desperate burn of his lungs, and the loss of thought as he couldn't tell his right arm from his left.
Just as he felt he was going to pass out, his body going limp, the water pressure was lifted and the cloth removed. He gasped for air, terrified.
"I bet you want to kill those downworlders now, don't you?"
Alec shook his head, still gasping for air, his lungs stealing all that they could. He knew, then, that he'd eventually give up. But he had to fight, for as long as he could. To keep something of himself. For Magnus. For his family.
"I'm sure you'll come around," Jace said, pulling the cloth back over his face. When the water came again, he tried not to panic as much. He remembered the other times in the basement he'd been strong for. He thought of the first time, his runes being re-traced with a blade. He'd been stronger, then. He tried to remember that strength. But at that time he'd been an almost entirely different person. He'd had Magnus and his family, all of them he'd been at least nearly-comfortable with. He'd thought Jace was a good brother. He'd trusted his parabatai. He'd hadn't been strong, he'd just had what seemed like a solid foundation. Thoughts of his supposed strength ran out as dark spots appeared around his grey vision.
The cloth was pulled back again, and he heaved for air. He'd been close to losing it. He looked up at Jace, dazed, his breath heavy. Why was he resisting? He could stop this. He wanted to. No, he told himself in a wavering voice. He had to protect himself and those he cared about.
"So?" Jace prodded. Alec shook his head, still trying to catch his breath. He didn't get the opportunity before thecloth was back, and the water was flowing over it again. He saw Magnus in his head. They were laughing in Spain, having fun. He didn't want to lose that.
As he was about to lose consciousness, Jace removed the cloth. He didn't ask, just waited for Alec to take three breaths before repeating the process. He stopped asking between rounds. Alec felt like he was going to die, and it was a possibility from what he knew about water boarding.
Jace was whispering in his ear. The only person he was helpinng by not giving the confession was himself. Jace thought he was a waste of space. Alec didn't know what was happening, everything was blurring. So when Jace lifted the cloth, finally, he panted that he'd do it. He'd give the confession.
Jace smiled and grabbed a video camera from Sebastian, who must have acquired it during Alec's acquaintance with asphyxiating. He sat on Alec's thighs, a blade in one hand and camera in the other, terror still running through the pinned man. But he just cut the bindings on Alec's chest and abdomen, motioning for Alec to do so.
As Alec carefully pulled himself up, Sebastian pulled his arms together behind him, tying them with one of the bindings Jace had just cut.
"Do you know what to say?" Jace asked as Alec's breathing slowly calmed. Alec nodded, not wanting to speak. The next words out of his mouth would leave it vile. He would regret this decision but he couldn't go under that cloth again.
Jace hit the play button on the camera. Alec took a deep breath, and attempted a sneer. He poured all of his hatered toward Sebastian into that look. He was going to lie. He had never been good at lying, but Sebastian was next to Jace. He could just say everything he wanted to Sebastian about downworlders. He was digging himself a grave.
"My name is Alexander Lightwood," he started. "Son of Maryse and Robert Lightwood. I confess that I plan to pick up where Valentine Morgenstern left off and eliminate the downworlder threat. I... I hate downworlders. They have no place in this world." He faltered for a moment, unable to change Sebastian's name into the word 'downworlder.' He'd thought of Magnus, a face flashing before his dying eyes.
"Say that you've already had the pleasure of beginning the task," Sebastian instructed, and Alec complied. He was useless.
After it was over, Jace got off of him and took the binding off his legs. Alec felt numb, though his lungs hurt, and it was difficult to breathe. He was ejected into the late night, early morning streets of New York, and all he wanted to do was see Magnus and beg for forgiveness. He suddenly felt that it was urgent. If Magnus ever saw that video he'd never be forgiven, and he felt inexplicably wrong for doing as Sebastian commanded in the first place.
He made his way to Magnus's apartment, limping, and trying to ascertain if there was a way to breathe without it hurting. He'd been dropped close to Magnus's apartment anyway, and he didn't care to think about if it was a coincidence or not. He'd apologize to Magnus, he knew, but... for what? He'd figure it out when he got there.
He unlocked the door, using the key he had, concealing his limp as soon he stepped into the entryway. Magnus had trusted him with a key. It was wrong, after what he'd said on camera, but it made him feel good. Safe. He felt warm inside, looking at the key, yet so twisted. It was a conflict of emotions.
As he took off his boots, using a foot to hold the shoe down as he pulled out his foot, Magnus appeared in the hallway. His hair was down and he was dressed in a robe. He'd probably been sleeping, or getting ready to.
"Where were you?" Magnus asked, his voice unreadable. "We were supposed to talk last night. And today, you disappeared after the Clave meeting without talking to me. Isabelle called me two hours ago, wondering where you were. You went to see the Seelie Queen, but where else were you?"
Alec looked up from his boots. "I'm sorry."
He looked at Magnus, his lover. Guilt ran over him, flattening him like a footprint in fresh snow. He was ruining everything.
"That doesn't tell me where you've been," Magnus challenged, face unchanged.
"Everywhere," Alec said. "Nowhere. I don't know where it is." Alec was surprised that he'd managed to say that much. Maybe... if e was vague enough, he could tell Magnus something.
"That's not an answer, Alec."
"I know," Alec agreed. "But it's the truth. I can't really talk about it."
Magnus didn't relax his features. "Then tell me what you've been doing. If you haven't been seeing someone else, what have you been doing? Is it for the Clave?"
Alec snorted. "I haven't been working for the Clave and I promise you that I haven't been cheating. When I can tell you what I've been doing, I will. I don't like keeping secrets from you. I just can't say anything else. For that... for what might come because of that, I'm sorry. Can we move past how shitty I've been, just for tonight? I want to sleep next to you." While I can, Alec added in his head.
Magnus was quiet for a minute. "For tonight," he finally said. "But that won't be good enough forever."
Alec felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest, and he smiled. "Thank you, Magnus. Thank you."
"Yeah," Magnus said, turning to walk back to his bedroom. Alec followed, and once in the room, deliberated a moment before taking off his socks and pants. It would look weird if he kept them on, no matter how much it hurt to bend like that. He tried to conceal it, and Magnus didn't question him when he crawled into the bed next to the warlock, turning his chest to face his lover. He felt tired.
"I love you, Magnus, " Alec said drowsily, smiling as his heart rate began to slow.
Magnus turned his head to look at Alec. The shadowhunter looked so... vulnerable. He reached out his hand, pushing a strand of hair behind Alec's ear.
"Darling, why's your hair wet? It hasn't been raining for hours." Magnus asked, surprised at the dampness of his boyfriend's hair. Alec's hair was short; it dried fast. Had Alec taken a shower before he'd come over? Was he lying to Magnus?
"I'll tell you when I can... If I'm not dead..." Alec nodded off to sleep, which was much needed, but Magnus remeined frozen by those words. Alec thought he was going to die? He needed to call Isabelle in the morning.
It was the afternoon and Alec still hadn't woken up. Magnus wondered if Alec was supposed to be patrolling, but didn't wake the man. If his paper-pale skin and and the dark bruises under his eyes were any indication, he needed his rest.
Magnus worried about what was going on with Alec. He'd has lovers lie to him, cheat, hell he'd done it all plenty, but he hadn't expected it from Alec. It was irritating, and he wanted to know what was happening with his boyfriend. He thought of Alec's sleepy words last night, 'if I'm not dead,' and shivered. Alec was much too young to be thinking he was going to die, shadowhunter or not.
He thought of calling Izzy, but didn't get the chance as his phone rang, a much more subdued ringtone playing than anyone ever expected.
"speak of the devil and she will appear," Magnus muttered as he picked up the phone to the Lightwood daughter. "Hello Isabelle. To what do I owe the pleasure?" He may have sounded a bit grumpy, but he tried to shrug it off.
"Clary found something," Isabelle said, not wasting any words. He liked that about her. "And have you seen my brother? He's not picking up, as per usual lately."
"He's in my bed, still asleep," Magnus disclosed, checking one point off the agenda he had quickly made for this phone call. "But what happened to Clary? I can tell Alec about it too when he wakes up."
"Thanks, I'd appreciate it. Anyway, Clary saw Jonathan and Jace in the Institute."
"She what? Is she sure it was them?" Magus asked, in disbelief. Though, eh supposed, it wouldn't be even remotely difficult for two shadowhunters to break into an Institute.
"Oh, she's sure. They didn't see her, but... she said that Jace seemed normal. Like he was himself. Just, with Jonathan, the psychopath who murdered our brother."
"Hm..." Magnus hummed, pressing a finger to his lips. "What do you think it means?"
Isabelle sighed on the other side of the line. "Honestly, I don't know. I think Clary is taking it to mean more than it does. At the very least, we know that he's alive."
It wasn't necessarily true, but Magnus didn't want to correct her. "Alec would know if Jace were dead."
Isabelle sighed. "He would, wouldn't he? It's just, he's been acting strange lately."
"So it's not just to me," Magnus laughed, somehow relieved.
"No. He's freaking out over something, and I don't know if it's that Jace is gone or what... I think we should talk to him."
"He won't talk about whatever it is with me," Magnus said, settling a frown across his lips.
"Me neither," Isabelle offered. "But maybe if we're both there he'd talk."
"Maybe. Tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Your place? I don't really want mom to get involved. She hasn't been paying us too much attention, busy with the Clave. I doubt she's even noticed." She sounded bitter and tired.
"Works for me. Goodbye, Isabelle. And thank you."
"Thank you, Magnus. I'll see you around one."
Magnus gave a grunt of consent, pulling the phone from his ear and hanging up. He jumped a little, startled as he noticed Alec standing in front of him, a hand on the counter as if to keep him upright.
"Darling, you scared the shit out of me."
"Sorry," Alec muttered. "Was that Izzy? What were you talking about?"
"We were talking about Clary," Magnus said. "She saw Jonathan and Jace at the Institute." Magnus watched as tension leaked across his shadowhunter's body, stiffening it. "Isabelle called to tell me, because she couldn't get ahold of you. I was going to tell you as soon as you woke up, so don't start on her for telling me first."
"Is Clary okay?" Alec asked, concerned, surprising Maguns. He'd have thought Alec would immediately want to know more about Jace, not worry about Clary's condition.
"She's fine, as far as I know," Magnus shrugged. "Isabelle didn't seem concerned, and said that they didn't even see Clary." Alec relaxed at Clary's safety, intriguing Magnus with the newfound concern.
"That's good... What else?" Alec pressed, trying not to be curt.
"Well, we know Jace isn't dead." Alec didn't seem surprised by that at all, something the warlock attributed to the parabatai rune. "And he seems to be acting normal. Annoying as ever, I hear."
Magnus was mildly surprised that Alec didn't try to defend his adopted brother, but he didn't press the issue. There would be time for that when Isabelle came over the next day. He could take a step off of Alec until then. Answering to the both of them would be difficult for Alec to get out of, he knew.
Alec just nodded, going for cup of coffee and putting some bread in the toaster. As he moved, Magnus noticed a tremor in Alec's step. He hadn't noticed it before, but Alec was limping. Curious, and feeling a sudden burn of anger, Magnus walked up behind the shadowhunter. He put his hand on the curve from the base of his back to his butt and pushed, applying little pressure.
Alec let out a gasp, his legs shaking for a minute before they gave way. He caught himself on the counter as he fell, and Magnus saw tears swelling in his too-wide eyes as he hissed out a breath. Magnus felt guilty, worried, and angry. He felt reassured it wasn't from sex, unless it had been brutal and Magnus doubted Alec would let anyone get away with that. But he was overwhelmingly worried about what had caused the limp, because no matter the scenario it couldn't have been pleasant. He was angry that Alec hadn't told him about something that obviously hurt a great deal, and hadn't given him a chance to fix it.
"Fuck, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Magnus lifted his boyfriend to his feet, noting the pained expression.
Alec nodded, jaw clenched. His eyes were closed, and Magnus could see him trying to collect himself. It wasn't a light pain, something Alec was used to. This was extraordinarily painful.
"Do you need a steele?" Magnus asked, willing to bet an iratze wouldn't hurt.
Alec shook his head, once again surprising Magnus. "I already have an iratze on it."
Magnus frowned. "Do you want me to look at it?"
"No!" Alec all but yelled. "No," he repeated again, quieter. If Magnus looked at it he'd know the extent of the damage on his body, he'd learn that Alec wasn't functioning right, that someone else had been inside of him. A missing tooth, added layers of scar tissue and a circumcision... He didn't want Magnus to know. It wouldn't be any better is Magnus knew.
"Alexander. It looks really serious. If a push like that can make you fall, and after an iratze..." Magnus said sternly, suppressing a shiver toward the end.
"It'll get better if I rest," Alec protested.
"Alec..."
"Magnus, don't worry. It'll be fine."
"Don't worry? You fell over because I touched you!" Magnus exclaimed.
"I'll heal if I rest," Alec repeated. He locked eyes with Magnus, telling the warlock that he wasn't going to back down. He would be stubborn about it. They remained locked in each other's gaze for a minute, before Magnus reluctantly relented.
"Fine. But get back in bed. I've got to go get supplies, but I'm going to stop the feeling in the lower half of your body until I can get back and make you a sleeping potion. No arguing."
Alec nodded, attempting to shift his weight off of Magnus and the counter, but Magnus gave him a look and helped Alec to the bedroom and under the covers.
"Thank you," Alec said, looking up at Magnus from the bed. He could tell his boyfriend was freaking out, and grabbed his hand, running his thumb across Magnus's knuckles.
"Yeah," Magnus said, then recited a couple of lines of ever-familiar latin. Alec couldn't feel anything underneath the neck. It was probably originally a spell meant for combat, but it was excellent for this as well. Magnus kissed Alec's forehead after he finished the spell. "Rest, I'll be back soon."
Alec relaxed his mind as he heard Magnus leave. Magnus would make sure he was okay. He closed his eyes and smiled to himself, though the muscles ached, forgetting the past two weeks for a moment. Maybe it could work out. Magnus had him almost convinced.
"All alone?" The familiar voice of a murderer made Alec's eyes snap open. There, at the end of the bed, standing on a doorway that seemed to be afloat midair, was Sebastian. Alec's breath caught as he began to panic.
"What are you doing here?" He demanded, shrinking.
"Just dropping something off," Sebastian smirked. He dropped a CD case at the end of the bed, the weight indenting the comforter. "It's a video I made for you. I want you to give it to the Clave."
"Right now? What's even on it," Alec asked, not moving, trying to control himself.
"No, not right now. It's a video of your confession and the, ah, tasteful murder of that werewolf. You'll give it to the Clave when I give you the signal."
"And if I don't?" Alec asked, trying to have courage.
"I think the signal will make that clear," Sebastian smirked. He turned around, stepping away from the doorway and disappearing. He left Alec with the rightful paranoia that he would never be safe. Sebastian would always be waiting to play with him. His insides turned, grinding against each other, wringing themselves in circles. Despite his fatigue, Alec wouldn't have slept if Magnus hadn't come back to the apartment and knocked him out.
That night, Clary's soon-to-be father, Luke Garroway, died. Or more succinctly, was murdered by Jace and Sebastian. The attack had left the confused and grieving Fairchild mother and daughter scrambling to Magnus's doorstep for protection and refuge. Magnus woke Alec up, quickly explaining the situation to him. Simon and Isabelle were en route, though Clary and Jocelyn were huddled in the living room, cradling cooling mugs of green tea and not making any noise.
Alec recognized the murder with Sebastian's name attached for what it was; the signal related to the disk and a precursor to the results not complying could create. If he didn't give the disk to the Clave and seal his fate as a traitor to everyone he loved then they would be killed. his selfishness fought with his consciousness. Better alive and hating him than dead and still believing he was an ok-ish sort of person. Besides, Luke was just a warning. Alec was sure that the deaths would get more painful than a quick blade.
"Magnus, I've got to go," Alec said after pulling his boyfriend into the small kitchen.
"What? Now?"
"I've got to go to my mother. I need to talk to her about something." It wasn't a lie, not really. He just had a disk to deliver and his own fate to seal. Nothing serious. "It's urgent."
"Too urgent to wait until tomorrow? The trains aren't even running, it's the middle of the night and the head of a werewolf pack has just been murdered."
"It's that urgent," Alec said firmly. Who knew when Sebastian would kill again.
Magnus pursed his lips. "I'm not your keeper."
Alec frowned. "I'm sorry, Magnus. I really am," It would likely be the last time Magnus would look at him with a semblance of love in his eyes.
"You still haven't told me what you're apologizing for," Magnus stated, crossing his arms, not realizing the finality of Alec's words.
Alec nodded to Magnus's remark, wondering just how much would be left unsaid between the two of them. How much he was leaving. He couldn't talk about it, he had to obey Sebastian or they'd all end up dead-Magnus, Izzy. They'd have the same eyes as Max, the same cold hands.
"I love you, not matter what," Alec said. He pecked at Magnus's lips, who turned his head so that Alec's lips hit his cheek. Alec thought he might mark that as the time he most wanted to cry, but he didn't want to cry at all. He suddenly felt detached and alone, and left the apartment knowing that something would be wrong with him for the rest of his life. Perhaps there was no escape.
Alec hesitated, he would admit, before handing the disk of his fabricated 'master plan' to his mother. He didn't want to think about how she might react, realizing she had raised a monster worse than she was in her youth. Alec thought he shouldn't deliver it, be selfish, but he couldn't. Both options, giving it and not giving it, were inherently selfish, but having his friends, family, and Magus killed was an unforgivable sort of selfishness. Maybe it was all unforgivable. Alec didn't want to think much about it anymore.
"What's this?" Maryse asked, turning the case in her hand.
"I need the Clave to watch it. I need the High Warlock, the Pack Leader, and Head of the Vampire Clan to see it as well."
"Why is this so important?" Maryse asked.
"It's a declaration of war," Alec admitted. It might have been forced and fabricated, but the truth of it was war nonetheless.
"Alexander," his mother said sternly. "What is the meaning of it? Where did you get it?"
"I can't tell you, mom," Alec responded. "But don't look at it until you see it with everyone else."
"Alexander," his mom warned again.
Alec shrugged. It wasn't like he could tell her anything without slipping up and starting a conversation about convection and macrobursts again. He thought he might give some excuse when he felt a tug in his chest that made his thoughts stop for a moment. It was like after the visit with the Seelie Queen, pulling him out of the Institute. Calling him.
"I've got to go," he said, turning to the door.
"You will do no such thing, Alexander Gideon Lightwood," his mother commanded, her presence filling the room with her demands. "You will sit down and tell me what the hell you're going on about."
"No, I'm not," Alec said, his face contorted as he continued walking to the door. "But you're going to show that disk to the Clave and the downworlders."
He opened the door and walked out, ignoring his mother. He left the Institute, and it seemed as if nothing else mattered as he turned down an empty street, quite the feat for New York City. There was a pulsing in his chest that wasn't his heart, but rather hooks into his skin, pulling his strings.
He was startled, but not surprised, when he was pulled backwards by his collar and into Sebastian's lair. Grey cement walls, and he could see a mattress in the left corner of the room. He tried not to think about what it was going to be used for.
"You did your job?" Sebastian asked, breath hot on the back of Alec's ear. Alec nodded. He'd delivered the disk. "Good boy."
Sebastian pushed his over toward the bed, one arm around Alec's throat. Alec stood in front of it, trying to keep his breathing solid and steady. He tried not to think about what could happen, what would likely happen. He took a deep breath through his nose, exhaling through his teeth.
"You're not going anywhere," Sebastian said. Alec could practically hear the grin in his voice.
Sebastian let his arm loosen around Alec's neck, placing it instead on the back of his neck as he stooped down. Alec didn't know what his kidnapper was doing until he felt a sharp pain skid through the back of his thighs. He yelled out as he fell forward, his legs no longer able to hold him.
"Hamstringing," Sebastian informed him. "You won't be able to walk. You'll die of blood loss soon enough, anyway. I'll be back before you do, though, so don't worry."
They were finally going to kill him.