OK! I am SO sorry about the late update, but I got an infection INSIDE of my eyeball on the side of my cornea, and so I turned into a vampire for a few days wearing crazy dark sunglasses, and hissing at any and all sunlight/bright light, which included my laptop. Thankfully I am healed enough to write again, and thus have decided to post this fun piece of crack.

So while reading Mystichawk's The Boogeyman Tries to Understand Fanfiction…I was slapped in the face with this particular idea.

Much of the credit for the awesome one liners do NOT belong to me believe it or not! It actually belongs to a highly talented writer by the name of Migoto Kuragari who wrote the story "The Main Character Never Dies".

Warning, the character may get a tad OOC in this merely for that fact that this may turn out to be a tad of a crack fic…so…ENJOY

Mystic…this is ALLLL your fault, revel in it darling.

"ASTERRRRR!"

The blood curdling shriek echoed in the warren causing Bunny to not only drop the egg he had been working on into the stream of dye, he almost fell face first in himself. Regaining his balance, the Pooka looked up in time to see, of all people, Pitch Black running towards him, arms outstretched, looking as if he had the most terrifying of monsters chasing him.

"Uh," Bunny asked cocking his head causing one ear to flop to the side "yes?"

"Get him away from me!" the specter screamed as he ran behind Bunny and cowered on the ground "He is trying to force me to endure my deepest fear!"

"What?!" Aster fought the urge to laugh but merely shook his head "Start from the beginnin' mate, and I'll see what I can do."

"I'm just trying to get Pitch to go to the movies with me!" Jack suddenly broke in flying towards the Pooka and causing Pitch to give a shout as he scurried around Bunnymund's side in his attempt to stay away from Jack.

"The movies?" Aster asked one furry eyebrow rising towards the ceiling.

"Yeah!" the winter spirit exclaimed with a laugh as he took a step towards Pitch only to watch him scurry in the other direction keeping Bunny between them "Jamie, Pippa, and Cupcake keep going on about this movie series called Twilight that's playing at a theatre in Burgess tonight, and something about Team Edward versus Team Jacob…I have no idea what they're talking about, but I found out it has something to do with vampires so I thought Pitch would like to come too!"

Bunny turned around, his whiskers twitching with barely concealed amusement "Yer afraid of Vampires mate?"

"Not just any vampires!" Pitch shouted as he jumped up and grabbed Bunny by the shoulders and shaking him roughly, one eye twitched as he lowered his voice to a whisper "Sparkly ones!"

"HUH?" was the reply by the Pooka before the warrior burst out into uncontrollable laughter "A'right, I have never heard of this Twilight but I think I'm gonna come with ya, it must be good if it makes Pitch look like a scared puppy."

"No," Pitch moaned with a haunted look "don't do it Bunny, stay away from the thing known as Twilight…far away! You'll regret it all the days of your immortal life, because you will never be able to scrub it from your eyes, and it will torment you for eternity!"

Jack and Bunny blinked at the man in unison before each taking an arm, and beginning to drag the kicking and screaming spirit towards the entrance of the warren "NO!" Pitch shrieked thrashing his legs "You can't do this to me! I refuse to go back, I promised I would never return! NOOOOO!"

…

Within the hour all three were seated in the back of a theatre with the Burgess children seated some rows in front of them, and Pitch had officially taken to sulking, stuffing his face with popcorn and occasionally growling in distaste at the fact he had successfully been dragged to watch the bane of his existence. Jack looked at Pitch, noting the way his cheeks were puffed out with popcorn, looking much like an imitation of a nightmare chipmunk, and the boy barked out a laugh.

"Pitch, ya gotta lighten up," the winter sprite chuckled "I mean, the movies are about Vampires, and werewolves, I thought I would be thrilled to watch them!"

Pitch merely sullenly chewed the copious amount of popcorn in his mouth, and slumped in his chair, his bottom lip poking out in a pout "Tear not va'pirsh" he mumbled.

"What did you say?" Jack asked with confusion.

The Boogeyman clenched his eyes shut, before swallowing the clump of snack, and shrieking "They're NOT VAMPIRES!"

"Ok, ok!" Jack said waving his arms around "I still don't get why you're wigging out over it, I mean, according to Jamie this is a Vampire movie."

Pitch sighed, two fingers going to massage his temples in slow circles "Trust me, this is many things, but a Vampire movie…it is not."

"Shut up, the movie's startin'," Bunny shushed.

True to Pitch's word, they were soon watching something that was far from what they thought would be a Vampire movie as a gloomy girl came on the scene, being gifted by a shoddy looking truck and supposedly being very enthused over her gift, making Jack cock his head.

"Why does her facial expressions never change?" he questioned "I mean, I've met glaciers with more emotion than her."

"She's socially awkward supposedly," Pitch grumped.

"I thought you were going to be doing your best not to watch this?" Bunny chuckled.

"Human entertainment is like watching a house catch on fire," the Boogeyman sighed sorrowfully "I can't tear my eyes away."

"Poor baby," Jack waved with his hand.

The scene eventually switched to the school with the main girl getting swarmed by other students and Jack chuckled "Ok, I get it Pitch," he sighed "this is definitely not a Vampire movie, it's a socially awkward chick flick disguised as a Vampire movie."

"It's not even that!" Pitch wailed "Romance is sincerely lacking, and the vampires aren't even that frightening!"

"Um," Jack shrugged "Sorry?"

"I only came ta watch ya squirm Pitch," Bunny chuckled "if it makes ya feel better, why don't we just make fun of the movie instead of watchin' it and see how you feel after that?"

Pitch pursed his lips, should he revel in the snarky sarcasm he was known for, and shoot this movie down until it no longer existed in his mind? "Definitely," the Boogeyman said with a sinister grin.

….

"MAN!" Jack groaned "When will this chick DIE?!"

"The main character never dies," Pitch grumbled.

"Not true," Bunny said with on finger pointing up into the air "there are a few books, and movies, where the main character is either killed or has…mysteriously disappeared."

"Batman doesn't count," Jack snorted "we all know that that guy is immortal, no matter how many times they try to kill him in the comic books or movies, no one actually believes he's dead, and therefore do not allow him to die. Batman, Superman, Goku, all those guys will never die."

"And they are, coincidentally, the main character," Pitch smirked.

"Aw come on," the Aussie rolled his green eyes at the two "Armageddon, that movie killed off the main character!"

"I choose not to acknowledge that movie," Jack sniffed "I invested all that time into the plotline only for that ending, and if I don't like the ending, then the movie holds no value for me and therefore does not exist."

Pitch and Bunny turned in unison to cast confused looks of amusement, while their eyes danced with the obvious question for Jack's sanity "WHAT?!" the boy finally exploded.

"Nuthin'," Bunny shook his head struggling to keep the chuckles to a minimum.

Pitch merely looked back to the large screen and winced, the girl and her vampire, and only in the loosest of terms was he, boyfriend were at dinner. Edward was explaining how he could read minds, with the exception of hers.

"Why can't he read her mind?" Jack whispered.

"Maybe she has a secret power," Bunny shrugged.

"Or maybe," Pitch smirked, his teeth glinting in the darkness "it's because there is nothing to read, it's all just static up there."

Bunnymund and Jack both exploded in snorts of laughter, making Jamie and the other kids turn around in their seats and give them unhappy glares that clearly said "SHUT UP".

Bunny choked on his laughter "Well," he gasped "they certainly didn't explore THAT idea."

"Probably because it would kill the romance," Pitch replied.

"Ok, I'm not really the expert on this stuff, but I gotta ask," Jack's eyebrows knit together as his face screwed up in blatant confusion "WHAT ROMANCE?! All they've done is argue, then he saves her life, which she gets angry at him for, and then they stare at each other and speak in such cryptic sentences, I can't even comprehend what they're talking about. I don't even know what this movie is about, all I know is I hate that girl, why are the humans raving over this?!"

Bunny patted Jack's head consolingly as soon as he was done with his rant "Don't worry mate, I don't understand humans either."

Eventually the movie, in painstaking slowness, made it to a scene where the vampire and the girl were walking through the woods, and then they stopped to stare at each other…again.

"You're impossibly fast...inhumanly strong...your skin is ice cold and you can hear thoughts of others."

The "vampire" boy with the sulking stare stalked around her.

"You're a..." the girl stopped, Pitch swore that the girl hadn't finished one sentence without inexplicably pausing.

The boy whispered in her ear, "Say it...outloud."

"You're a..."

Pitch smirked before expertly voicing over the girl to make her say "A pedophile."

Jack doubled over, his laughter shaking his seat and making the humans in front of him turn around to stare in shock at the 'haunted chair'. Bunny melted in his seat, loud guffaws echoing throughout the theatre, making a few kids turn around, looking for the source of the noise, Jamie and the other Burgess kids however, were the only ones who knew enough to glare at the back row.

"What?" Pitch asked innocently, a delighted grin at his own joke decorating his face "the vampire is an immortal right? This," he proclaimed dramatically thrusting his arms out to point at the screen "is pedophilia!"

Regaining their composure, and turning back to the movie, Jack groaned once again at the social awkwardness as Edward became unhappy for some reason at the girls unconditional love, and then proclaimed that he was going to show her why they stayed out of the light.

"Cool," Jack exclaimed "we're gonna see him burn!"

"If we could only be so lucky," Pitch sighed.

"Come on," Jack waved with one pale hand dismissively waiting for the fire "everyone knows that vampires burn in sunlight, only an idiot would try to change tha-…Oh….god…."

Edward stepped into the sunlight, but instead of fire or smoke, he began to twinkle and sparkle causing Jack's eye to twitch "This is not a vampie movie," he spat in disgust "this is a movie about a socially awkward girl with a glitter fetish."

Now it was Pitch's turn to melt into uncontrollable guffaws and snorts, his grey hands flapping helplessly as he struggled to breath.

"He's…sparkling?!" Bunny asked in horror as what was supposed to be the most fearsome immortal creature, a monster that practically radiated masculinity and strength, began to twinkle and glimmer "Is…Is this a joke?! How is that attractive? Am I supposed ta be laughin'?! Please tell me I'm supposed ta be laughin'!"

Pitch slowly regained his composure in wheezing gasps, and turned to cast moist eyes at the rabbit "No Aster," he chuckled weakly "this is not a joke."

"And you want to know the worst part?" Bunny continued his rant, not caring about the turned heads that were gawping over the Easter Bunny being in a movie theatre.

"The fact that people paid money to see a movie about a boy with a glitter obsession and eats bunnies?" Jack deadpanned.

"Well, that too," Bunny conceded before continuing "but he's supposed ta be frightenin', a blood thirsty monster, but he's…he's…making a sparkly noise!"

"Which of course aids in his scary monster appeal," Pitch snorted.

….

What felt like an eternity later, the boys were finally able to leave the movie, Jamie and his friends talking about how excited they were that that weekend was going to have a marathon of all the movies on TV as they all walked out of the theatre. Jack shook his head forlornly.

"That was awful," he groaned "I feel like my youthful enjoyment of cinema has been sucked out through my eyeballs!"

"Aw come on," Bunny nudged Jack playfully "it wasn't that bad mate."

"Wasn't that bad?" Pitch hissed seemingly in pain at Bunny's words "it was pointless, painfully irritating, and it took forever!"

"It was only an hour and a half, roughly," The rabbit warrior laughed.

"Yes, an hour and a half," Pitch sneered "that I will never get back."

"Come on guys," Jack finally sighed "let's just meet back at North's and watch a movie we know is good."

"Agreed," Bunny said as Pitch nodded.

The threesome made their separate ways to the North pole, popping back up into the living room just in time to be almost tackled by the Tooth Fairy.

"Tooth?!" Pitch gasped from where he had jumped out of the way onto the floor.

Bunny, sitting against the wall where he had also leapt to safety, let out a nervous chuckle "What's the rush Sheila?"

"OH!" Toothiana chirped, her face blushing in embarrassment at almost running over her friends "Sorry, it's just I wanted to take over the media room for a bit."

"Why?" Jack asked one eyebrow rising towards the ceiling.

"Because," the fairy gushed, her hands balling into excited dancing fists "there is going to be a marathon of my favorite movies on TV!"

"Oh no…" Jack and Bunny groaned in unison as their hackles rose in dread.

"And which movies would those be?" Pitch asked quietly, fear underlying his words.

"TWILIGHT!"

All three boys groaned, and fell on the floor, only to lay there weeping helplessly "I TOLD you," Pitch cried waving an accusing finger at the other two "I TOLD YOU that it will HAUNT YOU FOREVER!"

"NOOOOO!" Jack moaned.

"Uh," Tooth said her brow furrowed with concern "I guess asking if you want to watch it with me would be-"

Her words were met by more pained groans, and weeping, making Tooth shake her head "Yeahhhh….I'll just take that as a no."

Ok, now that I finished this chapter, I'm going to reward myself with chocolate as I gush over the fact that Legend of Korra season two FINALLY started!

Ok…now…REVIEW!