A/N- Characters belong to Veronica Roth.
Happy new year everybody, I hope you all had fun! Next update will be in a week again.. sorry for not sticking to my schedule but it hurts to type since I twisted my wrist (and my foot) somehow on New Years, even though I was carried home. The moment reminded me of ch16 when Four carries Tris back to his house…a sort of freaky fan-fiction deja vu!
And also, a huge thanks to BK2U for editing this chapter! I'm sure most of you wouldn't have understood some of the (very British) phrases I used if it weren't for her.
*Plus, the italics at the beginning of the chapter is a flashback.*
December 12th
"Oh God," I sigh and Four kisses my lips, our fingers linking together, his hands pressing mine above my head and against the mattress. He moves at a quick pace, the headboard banging against the wall in time with him. Sweat collects on the both of us, and the close restriction of the sheets causes me to kick them off us in discomfort. He says my name like a prayer, his devotion to me clearly showing. I'm consumed by him, the thrill of being almost powerless underneath his body as he takes control adding to the intense excitement and pleasure. I'm small, but I trust him; I trust him with my life. My eyes screw shut tight. I'm in my own version of heaven on earth. But then, the sound of my ring tone suddenly cuts through the ecstasy like a sharpened knife.
"You didn't put your phone on silent?" Four pants, his voice riddled with disbelief. "Wait, you're not actually going to get that, are you?"
"It's Lynn, she might need something," I say, leaning over to the bedside table where my phone is.
I replay last week's event over and over in my head, wondering how I could have been so stupid. Perhaps I'm too comfortable around him, so comfortable that I forget to care about what he thinks. I should probably work on that. "What are you thinking about?" Lynn asks me whilst she paints her nails with the new colour I bought her.
"Oh, nothing," I say.
"You sure? You seem pretty down."
"I'm fine," I try to muster up a smile. "I've got a job interview at the beginning of January."
"Really? Doing what?"
"It's just office work. I'm struggling to find something that I like, or actually want to do."
"You'll get there eventually. But at least for now, you'll be gaining experience."
"That's true," I smile. "Have you been keeping up with your painting?"
"Not really, I keep trying to start but I'm lacking inspiration. And anything I draw ends up looking abstract and depressing."
"You'll get there eventually," I parrot her. She clasps a hand on top of mine, leaning her head on my shoulder. The fresh air in her back garden is pleasant, and I'm sure the way that the sun is beating down on her is doing some good. Her usually warm skin is now nearly transparent. It took some effort and persuasion to get her to sit out here, but I think now she's glad she did.
"I do miss her, you know," she whispers.
"Marlene?" I ask, and she nods her head gently. I sigh, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "It's going to be hard for you to move on while you're stuck in this house."
"I know. But there's not a lot I can do about that," she laughs mirthlessly. "At least I still have you."
At least I still have you. The words cloud my brain, causing me to feel dizzy. It never really sank in, the fact that I'm now Lynn's only friend. There's no one else to visit her, no one else for her to depend on except for her parents, and even they're quite useless. My house is desolate and quiet since my mother is still at work, and also because I seem to be spending less and less time here lately. My room no longer feels like my room, and I'm certain all of the clothes I thought were missing are actually at Four's apartment. As I look up at the ceiling that's still painted like a cloudy sky, I decide that one day I will paint over it. The thoughts I used to have whilst looking up at this ceiling are all too vivid and unsettling. I would look up, wanting to escape, begging for freedom from my life. But I don't want to escape anymore.
I spring up from my bed when I hear the sound of Four's car beeping outside, and grab my warm winter coat since the weather is near freezing. I kiss him chastely on the cheek when I get in, buckling up before he drives off to the grocery store. I promised him I would help with filling the fridge in his apartment, since he's hopeless at food shopping.
It's almost a week until Christmas, and therefore the parking lot is crowded. He pulls out a shopping cart from the alley, pushing it effortlessly as we make our way through the automatic doors. The sound of beeps and clattering and chattering can be heard instantly, the chill from all the fridges making me thankful that I decided to wear a coat. I link my arm around Four's as he pushes the cart, stealing some of his body heat, and staying close and away from all the crazed Christmas shoppers. "Why do people buy turkeys so early?" I say.
"So that they can get the best ones, and then they probably freeze them," Four replies, moving us out the way of running and screaming children. "The Christmas markets opened last week, do you want to go tonight?"
"Sure, once we've put all the shopping away," I give him a pointed look.
"I promise I'll help you," he reassures me, a small grin threatening to grow. We throw all the basics into the cart, breakfast foods first since that's the easiest. It turns out Four's a fussy eater, nothing that's too fancy or exotic tempts him. He picks out enough pasta and sauces to last a month, and I have to remind him to buy green things, which he turns his nose up at. Once we get to the snack aisle, his eyes light up like a child and he starts to throw nearly everything into the cart.
"Why don't you buy these ones instead of the stupid fun pack?" I say, picking up a huge multi-pack bag of potato chips.
"Because, I like the beef and onion flavours," he snatches the bag out of my hands, throwing it back onto the shelf and putting the flavoured fun pack into the cart instead.
"They're full of preservatives, artificial flavors and additives," I take the fun pack out of the cart, replacing them with the multi-pack bag instead. This causes his frown to deepen.
"So?" he says.
"So, that's bad for you. Plus, they make your breath stink," I scrunch up my nose, tugging on the end of the cart in order to urge him forwards and away from the snack aisle. He stands still, making it impossible for me to move it forwards. I'm no match against his strength.
"You always buy the fun pack for Lynn."
"Lynn isn't my problem," I snap, face going red with annoyance. Suddenly, it becomes too hot in here, and I have to unzip my coat. Four rolls his eyes at me, and begins to turn the cart around in the other direction. "Where are you going?"
"To go and get you some tampons, you know, since it's obviously that time of the month again." His voice is ill-tempered and the scowl on his face is impossible to miss. I stand there for a moment, mouth open, humiliated. I look around quickly to see if anyone heard, anger boiling through every inch of me.
"You're a dick," I state, racing forward to catch up to him.
"No, I'm not, it's true. And because of it you've been in a sour mood all today and last night."
"But that's not the reason I'm upset, Four." I walk away from him, storming past the cashiers, jogging out of the entrance. But when I'm standing outside, taking in the fresh air, I remember that we came here in his car, and so I really have no idea what I plan on doing. Just when I'm contemplating what the hell to do next, Four charges past me, his shoulder only inches from mine. He walks determinedly over to the car, unlocking it on his way, and then slamming the door shut loudly once he's inside. I grit my teeth, and it takes every single fibre of my being to swallow my pride and get into that car with him. He speeds off before I even get a chance to buckle up, and I present him with the most irritated look I can muster. I was tempted to get into the back seat, but I know that would have been childish of me, and would have only served to make matters worse. We drive in silence, not mentioning anything about the abandoned grocery shopping. I still breathe heavily with anger and annoyance, my body pressed against the car door and window in an attempt to sit as far away from him as possible. I don't even know for sure if what he said constitutes a good enough reason for me to be this mad at him. Out of nowhere, I feel tears prickle my eyes, and my lower lip wobbles. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry is the mantra that I sing to myself in my head.
"That was really insensitive of me, wasn't it?" His rueful question cuts through the silence, and also causes me to forget my mantra. The tears that were brimming on my eyelids finally spill across my cheeks, but I feel too weak to even care. "Fuck, I'm sorry, don't get upset, Tris," he looks between me and the road worriedly, placing a hand on my knee.
"It's not that," I manage to blurt out, the back of his hand wiping my tears away. He waits until we're back at the apartment before questioning me further, letting me sit down on the couch next to him. "I don't want to go home tonight," I sniffle and mumble against my hands which are hiding my face, dreading the prospect of a cold and empty house.
"You know you don't have to. You can stay here whenever you like," he rubs his hand in circles on my back. "Don't hide," he says, pulling on my wrists to uncover my face. He smoothes the tear-soaked strands of hair away from where they are stuck against my skin, and pulls me up further onto the couch so that I'm curled up in a ball against him.
"I'm overwhelmed," I eventually say, as he hands me a tissue. "I feel like an eighteen year old with a child."
"What are you talking about?" He asks, confused.
"Lynn. She's become dependent on me, and I can't take it. It's too much responsibility."
"I thought she just needed to you buy her magazines and visit her now and then?"
"No, I'm the only friend she has now. And I feel like I'm responsible for making sure she doesn't relapse, to monitor what she drinks and takes, to make sure she avoids any drug usage."
"Tris," he sighs, "that's the parole officer's job, not yours."
"I know that, but it still feels like my responsibility. Especially with the way that she's been acting. She flips out if I tell her I don't have time to see her or can't stay for very long. I'm afraid of what she might try to do. To either me or her."
"What makes you say that?"
"Last week, she tried to delete one of the texts that you sent me, so that I wouldn't go home. It's controlling and just shows how insecure and lonely she's become."
"You think she'd try to break us up?"
"Not really, I mean she's not that immature, and this isn't high school, so that wouldn't work."
"So what do you think she's trying to do?"
"Nothing intentional. She just wants me to herself, and likes playing games with people." Games. Lynn has always been good at them. Board games, playground games, video games, sports games. You name it, she can play it. And she never stops until she wins.
"Well, just don't let her get in-between us, visit her when it's convenient for you, and don't stress yourself about it." I snuggle further into his chest, enjoying his heat and scent. He smells sweet and familiar and, well, like home. My frown starts to turn into a smile and I close my eyes, enjoying the way his fingers trace patterns along my arm, holding me like he never wants to let go. "I'm not overwhelming you, too, am I?" He asks quietly.
"No!" I spring upright, looking at him with worry, "what makes you say that?"
"Like you said, you're eighteen, and I don't want you to feel like I'm suffocating you or anything. I mean, I didn't have my first serious relationship until you, and I'm twenty-two."
"Age means nothing. I want you. I need you."
"I wish you'd stop saying that," he says. "You don't need me."
"I do. I do need you."
"I don't want you to. You're stronger than that; you're brave, you're smart," he smiles in adoration, "and you could make it without me if you had to."
"But I don't have to, and I don't want to," I kiss him, firm and insistent, using my lips to reiterate my point. It would be toxic for me to say that I would die without him, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying the fact that I can depend on him.
"I don't want to, either," he says against my lips, his large hands almost circling around me completely when he holds me.
"Good," I say, running my hand up and down his chest but stopping when I feel something hard. "What's that?"
"Oh, I forgot," he unzips his coat, reaching inside to pull out a large bar of chocolate and box of pain reliever from the inside pocket. "I got these for you," he says, now suddenly shy.
"Thoughtful. See, you're not insensitive," I smile, taking them from him, my eyes running up and down the features of his face, memorising every detail. The snow outside falls from the sky heavily, a thick blanket of white coating the roads and rooftops. Four turns the heat on, and we get changed into our pyjamas, bringing the quilts and pillows to make a nest on the small sofa in front of the electric fire. We decide to order take out since we failed to get any shopping done, and prefer the option of staying inside where it's intimate and cozy, rather than venturing out into the cold for the Christmas markets. We've left the blinds open so that we can continue to watch the snow fall, the flakes melting against the glass. I could stay like this forever, just me and him, without even having to say a word. Life isn't so miserable when you have someone to pick you back up every time you fall. Someone to wipe your tears away, someone to just sit next to you and offer a warm smile. It's nice to not be lonely. It's nice to envision a future. Four gives me that. I look up at him, running my thumb across his bottom lip, pressing myself closer against him, just because I can.
"You realise that I'll stay with you no matter what, right? Even when you're being hormonal and annoying," he teases.
"I know," I wrap my arms around his waist. "That's what I love about you."
I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond to all reviews individually this time around, but I've been so busy! I've read all of them, and each and every one is much appreciated... so thank you so much for that.