A/N- I do not own Divergent or its characters, rights belong to Veronica Roth.
Thank you BK2U for editing this chapter!
So I'm posting this a little early, partially because I'm going to be busy for the rest of the weekend...but, I also didn't want to leave you all hanging for much longer since quite a few of you have been asking me what's going to happen. So here it is :-)
The italics at the beginning of the chapter is a flashback, it continues on from the end of the last chapter.
January 12th
Tobias leads me into the bedroom, away from Zeke, shutting the door behind us. He sits on the end of the bed, patting the space next to him, gesturing for me to sit down. I refuse, folding my arms and shaking my head, standing near the door instead. He sighs heavily, elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. I'm alert, afraid, and angry. But most of all, I'm confused. Confused by the secrecy and by the way that Tobias is acting. "I'm going to ask you again- are you leaving? Are you leaving me?" I repeat, my voice sounding panicked and almost shrill.
"Tris, would you just calm down first?" He says, looking up at me as if I'm the one that's acting out of order here.
"No, I won't. How do you expect me to be calm when the dining table is covered with advertisements for houses that are a two hour drive away from here? Houses that, according to Zeke, you're planning on purchasing," I say. Tobias stays silent, gritting his teeth and staring at the ground. "How do you expect me to be calm when you won't even explain yourself. You promised me, Tobias. You promised me that you would stay with me no matter what."
"I know," he almost shouts. "I meant what I said, I'll keep that promise. Those houses…they were for both me and you," he says the last part quietly.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I wasn't looking to move into a new place on my own again. I wanted us to move away together. Do you actually believe for one second that I would leave you after everything that's happened between us? It's insulting."
"Insulting," I parrot the word, rejecting it. "What's insulting is the fact that you couldn't even talk to me about this first without planning it all out with Zeke."
"You're looking at it the wrong way," he dismisses me with a shake of his hand. "I wanted- want- to take the next step with you. I'm fed up with you taking your toothbrush home every morning only to bring it back at night. Why don't you just leave it here? Why don't you just put your clothes in my closet instead of leaving them in a bag by the nightstand? I was scared to talk to you because sometimes I feel as though you're not ready to commit to me."
"So this is all about a fucking toothbrush? Don't be ridiculous. After everything we've been through and shared with each other, you could have just told me from the get-go that you wanted us to move in together. We share everything: each other, our thoughts, our fears…so why all the secrecy? Did you not think for a second that sneaking around with Zeke is essentially going behind my back and would most likely make me suspicious?"
"It's not about a toothbrush," he sighs. "I know that this is a huge deal, a huge thing to ask you. It's a milestone. So before I asked you to move away with me, I wanted to be sure that we could make it work first. I wanted to be certain that I could afford a nice enough house with the money from my dad, and that there would be opportunities for us to both find work, or for me to finally start up my own business. But like I said, I was scared about what your reaction would be. Every time I tried to approach the subject, I chickened out."
"You chickened out? So, am I really that unapproachable now?"
"You're not, but-"
"No," again, I interrupt Tobias, which I can see frustrates him. "You could have just been straight with me, Tobias. Did you honestly believe that I would say no after I've spent practically every single night with you since that day we spent painting at your old house?"
Tobias stammers, face contorting with annoyance. He's walking on eggshells with me, and I don't want our relationship to be like that. "Tris, I…I…"
"Forget it," I say. I open the bedroom door, intent on walking away from Tobias' flaring anger.
"Tris, don't walk away from me," he says sternly, getting up from the bed in order to follow me.
"I think we both just need a minute to calm down," I say over my shoulder. I see Zeke still sitting at the table, but then I feel Tobias' hands on my hips, spinning me around to face him.
"Just come back to the bedroom," he pleads, pulling me towards him.
"I don't want to," I say firmly. I see him swallow, brows furrowing, a look of desperation on his face. Then, his hands wrap around my wrists and he pulls me. "Tobias!" I say between gritted teeth, angrily. He circles around me, an arm clasped across my chest, pushing me back down the hall. I resist, crouching down to push back, my hand gripping onto the doorframe when we get to the bedroom. I turn around, his face is red with anger and the heat of the moment. I've seen him like this before, but it's never been directed towards me. He tugs my hands away from the doorway, nudging me further into the room before slamming the door shut with incredible force. I stand there, panting, eyes wild. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I shout at him.
Tobias starts to run his shaking hands through his hair, panic replacing the rage. "I want you to just stay with me so that we can figure this out," he says.
"Everything alright in there?" Zeke shouts from the other side of the door.
"I'm fine," I shout back, listening to the sound of his feet thudding against the wood flooring as he walks away from the door.
"Tris-"
"You can't force people to stay with you, Tobias. You can't stop them from abandoning you—it's their choice," I spit without even thinking. That was a low blow, and I know it. His eyes cloud over when he looks at me, and for a split second I think we both might cry. I want to take the words back as images of a fourteen-year-old Tobias sitting by his dying mother flood my mind. I realise he's afraid I'll leave him, too. So am I.
"I just find it difficult to talk about things like this."
"Like what? Our future?" I ask weakly, exasperated. "You know what? If you can't talk to me about things like that, then don't bother talking to me at all."
It's been forty-two hours since we argued. Forty-two hours that feel more like a week. It's pathetic and embarrassing, but I stayed wide awake last night, finding it almost impossible to fall asleep. It was the first night that I had gone to sleep without a 'goodnight' from Tobias since August. At first, we'd say it over the phone, and eventually side by side. But last night…nothing. My quilt, the sheets, the pillows—they all smell like him. Sweet, musky, warm and comforting. I press my face against the pillow, inhaling deeply, eyes closing. My mind is racing, racing with things that I want to say to him. We haven't spoken since, except for a text message I received from him a couple of hours after I left his apartment, saying "I'm sorry for letting things get out of hand, sorry for the way I pushed you." To which I replied with, "Thank you for apologising, but I won't tolerate you manhandling me." He didn't text me back.
My mother noticed something was wrong straight away, probably because I actually ate dinner at home and watched some reality TV show with her for the first time in who-knows-how-long. She tried to comfort me, giving me some clichéd advice about dealing with heartbreak. You know, the whole 'there's plenty of fish in the ocean' speech. In the end, I told her to "shut up," because I saw that look in her eyes, the one where she talks but doesn't even listen to the words that she's saying because she knows it's all crap. She knows that Tobias is the only one for me and that we're both being idiots by not talking to each other. I wish that for once, she'd tell me the stone cold truth instead of coddling me. I wish she'd give me the wakeup call that I so sorely need right now.
After I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself, I roll out of bed and pull on a mismatched outfit, haphazardly running a comb through my hair and splashing cold water over my face. I should probably shower, but I need to be at Lynn's house soon to see her before she leaves. Leaves for the rehabilitation centre she's being sent to... across the country. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Trying not to think about the fact that I'm about to lose another best friend.
On the journey to Lynn's house, I walk the long way around, passing Tobias' old house. A new family has since moved in, and the house doesn't look as polished as it used to. The brass door knocker isn't as shiny, the grass is uncut, the windows are dirty, and the rose bushes out of shape—but the people inside it are probably happier.
Lynn's father opens the front door for me, smiling tightly because he's never been the kind of man to show an ounce of emotion. "Hey," I say quietly, knocking on her bedroom door timidly a couple of times before walking in. Lynn is sitting on her small bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. A pair of navy blue suitcases are propped up next to her, the black metal pull-handles sticking upwards. The posters have been taken down from her walls, and I've never seen the room look so clean and bare. Scratch that, I've never seen Lynn looking so clean and bare. She looks up and smiles at me, her eyes puffy, bloodshot and rimmed red. She's dressed in a light blue T-shirt with a yellow dog cartoon on the front, dark brown boot-cut jeans and red sneakers. Her hair, now long enough, has been scraped back into a ponytail. All her earrings have been taken out, leaving little dots to line the outer part of her ears where the piercings are. Aside from the tattoos that still remain, she looks young. Vulnerable, even. I sit down on the bed next to her, the springs of the mattress creaking beneath me, and pull at her shirt with a small smile.
"My mom bought me new clothes to wear for rehab," she says, her voice sounding nasal.
"Is there a dress code or something?"
"Yeah, nothing provocative. It's pretty strict, they only allow certain magazines and books and video games," she sighs. I hate to see Lynn looking so defeated, but at the same time, it's nice for her to be acting calm and normal rather than crazed or erratic.
"When do you leave?"
"In an hour…the place is in Utah. My Mom and Dad are taking me, but Shauna's staying here to look after Hec." I place a hand on her knee, and she holds it, her finger running over the silver flower ring on my middle finger. "Who got you that?" She asks.
"Four, at Christmas."
"It's really pretty, he must have good taste," she smiles, but then it fades away and her brows furrow. "Is he downstairs with Zeke and Shauna? I think I owe him an apology for the way I acted the other day."
"No, he's not."
Lynn looks at me strangely, eyes taking in my appearance, then asks me, "You look wrecked, did you two get in a fight or something?" I chew on my lip and drop my head, fiddling with the ring on my finger, sliding it on and off. "What about?"
"He wants to move further south," I say, and she lets out a long breath, waiting for me to continue. "And... he wants me to go with him."
"Really?" She smiles like an idiot, and it frustrates me. It's the reaction I wish I would have had when Tobias first told me his true intentions.
"Yes, but it's such a big step. And he didn't even talk to me about it at first, he just snuck around behind my back with Zeke because he was too afraid of asking me."
"Isn't that normal, though? Don't you think that it just shows how much he cares about you? He's obviously so scared of losing you that he doesn't even want to risk asking you to move in with him… in case you freak out and say no. I bet he wanted to plan out his big idea to try and persuade you," she laughs. "Who knew Four was a softie underneath that drill sergeant shell of his."
"I suppose I didn't look at it that way," I mutter.
"No, which isn't surprising, because you're stubborn and were obviously too caught up in the fact that he kept a secret from you."
"Are you trying to say that I should go with him?"
"Of course I am— why would you stay here, in this dead-end town? You feel safe with him, don't you?" She asks, I nod my head. "You enjoy spending time with him don't you?" Again, I nod my head. "You love him, don't you?"
"It's not that simple."
"Of course it is. You know that beating muscle that sits in your chest, buried between your lungs and rib cage? Well, you should learn to follow it once in a while."
"But it's such a big step," I whisper. Lynn pulls me into her arms, dragging us up on the bed so that we lean against the wall.
"Those are the more exciting ones," she says, holding me tighter, and my legs curl up against me. "They're the ones that bring the most change, the most opportunity. And, you kinda need a bit of change and opportunity in your life right now," she laughs mirthlessly.
"But what about you?" I ask, my voice wavering and eyes blurring.
"What about me?" she parrots. "Tris, I'm going to be gone for quite a while. I need it, I need to get better."
"I'll miss you," the tears spill over onto my cheeks even though I try to keep a smile on my face. Lynn wipes them away with her hand, ignoring her own.
"I'll miss you, too...it's been a long road, Prior."
"It has," I gasp, my laughter and sobs mixing together to form some kind of guttural, wet, choking noise.
"Promise me you won't be scared anymore? Promise me you won't let your fears control you, that you'll live in spite of all that?"
"I promise," I smile. "I promise that the next time we see each other I'll be some kind of super woman," I tease. Lynn doesn't respond, she just stares off into the distance, her grip loosening up on me. "Hey," I tug on the material of her shirt, "this isn't goodbye forever."
"Sometimes," she whispers, "people are supposed to grow apart. They're supposed to go their separate ways."
I look up at her, looking at the way her shoulders shake, the way she gulps noticeably. "But I don't want to," I grip onto her again. "I just want everything to be okay."
"Can't you see that everything already is?"
Everything already is okay. The words sink in, and that is when I know: things are changing. We're moving on, bettering ourselves as a result. Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith in order to make things better. I'm learning that change can be good. So later, when I've said goodbye to Lynn and Shauna asks me, "Is there anywhere I can drive you, Tris?" I say yes.
I gnaw the inside of my cheek on the way there, my fingers tapping against my thigh. I see Shauna look at me sideways a couple of times in my peripheral vision, although we don't talk much except for her making a comment on the weather and icy roads.
"Alright, here we are," she says, smiling and pulling the car up to the curb.
I look out the window at the familiar apartment block, a nervous feeling brewing in my stomach. "Thanks," I mutter, unbuckling my seatbelt.
"Hey," Shauna presses her hand on top of mine. "Zeke told me what happened. But deep down, Four's a good guy, you know? You bring that out in him. And you deserve each other."
I nod my head a little, thanking her for the ride before clambering out of the car. She drives off as soon as I make my way through the glass doors, pushing them with my shoulder since they're so heavy. In the elevator, I take calming breaths. I haven't planned what I'm going to say to him, but there's some kind of magnetism that propels me out of the elevator and to his front door without any hesitation or second thoughts.
I knock, and he answers quickly. "Tobias," I whisper. He's in his pyjamas, hair tousled, and just the sight of him is enough to bring a small smile to my face. What I didn't expect, though, was for him to gather me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me so tightly that every inch of my body is pressed and squashed against his, my head turned to the side as I listen to the rapid melody of his heart and revel in the scent that now represents safety and comfort and love. I also didn't expect for my decision to be so easy to make all of a sudden.
My mother used to tell me home is where the heart is. And, my heart belongs to Tobias— it's been that way since I first saw him. Since I first really saw him, saw how vulnerable and kind and brave he can be.
Tobias stretches an arm out, slamming the apartment door shut. He cups my face with shaky hands, his fingers woven through my messy hair, his thumb smoothing back and forth across my cheekbone. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes drink me in, examining every inch as if he'd forgotten and needs to remember again. "I'll go with you," I say. "I want to go with you."
"Thank you," he murmurs with a sigh of relief, his shoulders relaxing. "Because I'm falling in love with you." He presses his lips against mine, his top lip resting on my bottom one. His hands then slide down my back, running over my behind before gripping onto my thighs and lifting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, and he carries me into the living room and lays me down on the couch, resting between my legs. "Slowly, but surely," he says with a smile. "And I want to know what it will be like, how it'll feel, when you have all of me occupying this space right here" he presses his fingers on my chest where my heart is.
"I already do," I say, running my nose up the skin of his neck, pressing my lips against his pulse point which is thudding faster and faster.
We continue to kiss— slowly, gently, caressing faces rather than bodies. After quite some time has passed, we decide to talk about the more important, boring yet serious stuff. But that doesn't mean we've stopped our sideways glances, casual touches and caresses. I sit on his lap as we search through different houses and areas on the computer until our eyes start to feel dry and tired.
"When I sent you that text message telling you I was sorry…I meant it. I really hate myself for the way I grabbed you."
I chew on the inside of my cheek, "I hated it, too."
"Look, I'm not going to talk a load of bullshit to you by saying I didn't know what I was thinking and I didn't mean it. There's no excuse for me using my strength against you and I know that. I also know that I continuously struggle with my temper and need for control, and just because you're half the size of me doesn't mean that I'm entitled to just pick you up and put you where I want you. I promise I'll work on that, and I promise it won't happen again."
"You're right, it won't happen again," I say sternly, " because like I said, I won't tolerate it. But I also think we both need to make a promise to start talking to each other. You know, if we're going to move in together and live like adults then we need to start acting like them."
"We do, and that's something we can work on together," he kisses my shoulder, and I lean into him closer.
It's past midnight by the time we eventually go to bed. Light from the moon and the city shines through the windows after Tobias flicks off the light switch. We pull our clothes off methodically in unison, crawling under the warm feather quilt and switching on the heated blanket. I roll over to the middle of the bed, and he curls his body around mine, my back to his chest. One of his arms slides underneath my neck, and the other wraps around my waist, holding me close. I run my fingers over the tendons in his hand, eyes wide open even though I'm exhausted. The mood is solemn and peaceful until I blurt out "I'm sorry, my hair probably stinks because I didn't take a shower today."
Tobias laughs, his body shaking against mine. I laugh too, and we finally release all the tension that we've been holding in over the past couple of days. If I didn't laugh, then I would most likely cry. "You don't stink, you just smell like Tris," he says. We stay quiet after that, and I feel his breaths against the top of my head begin to slow down, his chest rising and falling steadily against me. I should probably let him sleep, but my mind is still racing. Racing with anticipation and a whole bunch of different worries that face me. I can see myself growing up with Tobias and experiencing huge milestones that I only ever envisioned in the far future...but the future is suddenly here and now. I feel like I'm not a young girl anymore, not the girl that used to get into trouble with Lynn and backtalk to my mother. I'm going to have to deal with a new set of responsibilities and challenges. I've had to grow up so quickly, practically overnight. But later is better than never, I suppose.
I look at the time on the clock, it's been more than half an hour. I turn around awkwardly in Tobias' grip, pressing myself against his chest instead. However, this disturbs him, and he takes in a deep breath through his nose, his eyebrows raising and his eyes blinking open. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I whisper. He smiles a little, eyelids drooping again. He lazily runs his fingertips up and down the skin of my back, his chin resting on my head.
"Why can't you sleep?"
"Because I feel like everything's coming to an end," I say.
Tobias stirs, shuffling down on the bed so that he's face to face with me, his hand now resting between my face and the pillow, his palm cradling my cheek. "Maybe," he mumbles sleepily. "Or maybe it's the start of a new beginning."
Thank you so much for all the reviews, please continue! My tumblr: yabooklover20
And yes, the next chapter will be the final chapter. I'll answer your questions about epilogues and what not when I've posted the next chapter, since I haven't finished it properly yet.
If you haven't already, head over to my new story which was posted a couple of days ago. It's called 'Sixteenth Summer'.