Chapter Eight:
Lithuania barely remembered what had happened. He only remembered the screaming, the fear, Russia trying to quiet him as he rambled hysterically, most likely in multiple languages.
Now, he was lying still, quiet, in Russia's bed, staring up at the ceiling through wide, teary eyes.
"I didn't think he would do something that malicious…" Lithuania thought, "I thought I could help, not make things worse…"
Cautiously, Lithuania sat up, looking around fearfully. Russia's room was devoid of life, save for himself.
"Where did you go, Ivan?" Lithuania said quietly, "I thought you didn't want to be left alone… But you left me."
Instantly, he wondered what had driven him to say such a thing, to wish for Russia's company rather than loneliness.
"If he isn't here, he can't hurt me."
But he knew, without a shadow of doubt, that Russia would come back, and when he did, he would probably torture Lithuania again. And Lithuania feared that torture more than ever before.
"I don't want this… I don't want to be hurt anymore… I would rather die…"
He looked around, and, surprisingly, saw that there was a gun on the table. It lay there, unattended, and perhaps for the first time, Lithuania contemplated suicide.
"No. It won't solve anything. No matter how many bullets you put in your brain, Russia will revive you, and when that happens, he will hurt you again."
But, despite the thoughts that were his only lifeline, Lithuania soon found himself holding the gun in his uninjured hand. His right hand was not bandaged, nor had his fingers grown back, but he knew-or, at least, hoped-that they would.
"I could die. I could… Maybe? If I shot myself enough times, could I not come back…? Would it be okay? Can I choose what I want, instead of what will be best for the group? Only once, can I make a choice?"
Slowly, shaking, Lithuania lifted the gun to his head.
"Just to rest for a little while… I can… I can tell Russia… I was bored, so I was playing Russian roulette… With myself… And I…lost. Yes, I can tell him I lost the game, and it will be okay!"
"It's not okay…" Lithuania whispered aloud, "I can't do that. I… They need me, don't they? I…I have to take the beating for everyone… I can't die, even though I want to…"
But it seemed as if it would be so, so easy to just pull the trigger. And if he could lodge the bullet in his brain, instead of it going all the way through… Then not even Russia would be able to get it out without a surgeon to help.
And maybe, just maybe, the others didn't need him to take their beating. Maybe it would be okay if he died, and left the way open for them to escape without him.
"I could just pull the trigger…" Lithuania whispered, his hand shaking, even as he tried to hold the gun steady.
Meanwhile, oblivious to the events currently being played out in his own bedroom, Russia was wandering the upper hallways of his mansion, deep in thought.
"Earlier," he mumbled thoughtfully, "I was feeling bad about hurting Litva. But then, without any warning, I would be hurting him again… Why? Why would my feelings be changing with so much of the quickness?"
He glanced around the empty halls, hoping for an answer, but there was none.
"I hurt Litva…" Russia repeated, "But… I am not wanting to hurt him, now. I…I am feeling sorry, but when I am angry, all sorry feelings go away…"
The large nation shivered.
"At least the sorry feelings are not so cold… Angry feelings… So cold… Is it being of the normalness? Is anything of the normalness? Is…is there any normalness?"
He glanced up, and realized that his wanderings had led him back to his own room.
"Maybe I should be asking Litva…" Russia mumbled, "Maybe… Is he of the normalness? Is that why Belarus would be liking him, and protecting him? But if he is having normalness, why is he making me so angry…?"
Russia reached into his pocket, and, pulling out a large key, unlocked the door. However, when he pushed the door open, he saw none other than Lithuania doing something decidedly not ordinary. The brunet Baltic was facing away from him, and in his left hand, he held…
"Litva!" Russia gasped, "What business would you be having, pointing that at yourself?!"
Lithuania was holding a loaded gun, pointed at his own head.
Estonia woke up to the worst headache of his life. He also woke up with his head resting on Russia's kitchen table, which he was fairly certain was the strangest place he had ever fallen asleep.
"Ugh…" the blonde Baltic muttered, "Why does my head hurt so much…?"
"You sober up quickly," someone commented, "Normal people don't sober up in a matter of a couple hours after drinking that much."
"Was I ever not sober?" Estonia asked. The boy raised his head from the table, to find Ukraine glaring at him in what seemed to be a most uncharacteristic manner.
"You and Latvia were drunk!" Ukraine lectured, "I thought you were smart enough to know that alcohol is not the answer to your problems, Eduard!"
Estonia stared at what he assumed were the smashed remains of the vodka bottle, not wanting to meet Ukraine's eyes, dreading the disappointment he would see there there.
"I thought I was smart, too," he said quietly, "And look where that got us."
"It wasn't your fault," Ukraine said.
"Really?" Estonia asked, looking up at her, "Then why is it that you and Belarus were dragged into this? If I hadn't been so stupid, then…"
"Eduard…" Ukraine said, "We want to be here. We'd rather know the truth and fight for it, than believe a lie."
"Since when do you even know me well enough to call me Eduard?" Estonia said, very quietly, "Since when do you care what happens to us Baltics?"
He knew he had said the wrong thing, that it was nothing more than cruelty to say such a thing to Ukraine, of all people, but it came out before he could stop it.
Ukraine's eyes filled with tears, and Estonia almost apologized then and there. But then, he realized, he needed to know.
"I saw you," he said, his voice low, "When Russia attacked Latvia, and Lithuania wasn't there, so I had to protect him… I saw you watching. Why…?"
He paused, and when he spoke again, there was a desperate note in his voice.
"Why didn't you help me?"
As he had half-hoped she would, Ukraine burst into tears. For a moment, Estonia felt a strange satisfaction. Then, his anger took over again.
"Yekaterina, tell me!" Estonia snapped. The blonde Baltic leapt to his feet and, leaning over, put his hands on the girl's shoulders and shook her.
"Tell me why you wouldn't help!"
"I'm sorry!" Ukraine sobbed, "I should have helped! Please, Estonia, don't be mad at me! D-don't hurt me!"
"Don't hurt you?" Estonia echoed, "Ukraine, I…"
He looked down at her, and for the first time, he realized that he was digging his fingernails into the girl's shoulders.
Estonia backed away, startled.
"I'm sorry…" Ukraine repeated, staring at him, tears still streaming down her face.
"No, I'm sorry," Estonia said, looking away, "I… I shouldn't ask you such things when I know the answers already."
"You know…the answers…?"
"You were scared," Estonia said, "I… I was scared for a long time. And then… Then I snapped. But now I'm scared again, and I shouldn't get mad at you for feeling the same way."
He looked up at her, then, and to his shock, saw blood seeping through her shirt where he had gripped her shoulders.
"Did I do that…?" he asked, hearing his voice break, "Did I hurt you?"
"It's just a couple of scratches," Ukraine said, "Nothing bad, Estonia, and it's not really your fault…"
"I hurt you…" Estonia repeated, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry… And I'm sorry for threatening you and manipulating you, and then taking advantage of how kind you are, only to hurt you, and…"
His legs, already unsteady, chose that moment to give out, and he fell into a kneeling position. He was still so close to Ukraine, however, that his head ended up resting on her knees.
"Forgive me…" he whispered, "Or, better yet, forget me. Don't waste your time on me… I… I'm just like Russia, so…"
Ukraine forgot the pain of the scratches on her shoulders, forgot the horrible, terrifying situation they were in, hearing those words.
"You are not like him," she whispered, stroking Estonia's hair, "If you were, then you'd be torturing me, wouldn't you?"
"I'm not torturing you?" the blonde Baltic asked, "This isn't torture? Don't be a fool. I know better than anyone that psychological torture is just as bad-maybe worse-than physical torture. And I… I manipulated you, which Russia would do. I threatened you, which he always does. And now, you pity me… Which is something Lithuania would do. And look where that got him. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want to be a crazy tyrant like Russia, so I can't have anybody who would stay with me."
"But then you'll be all alone," Ukraine said, "And you're too scared of that to be all right without a friend."
"I don't need you!" Estonia snapped, raising his head to look at her, "I don't!"
"You won't go to Latvia," Ukraine said, "Belarus won't listen to you. Russia and Lithuania, you can't go to at present, for obvious reasons. So, if you don't want to be alone, that leaves me."
"If I'm alone, I won't hurt you…" Estonia began, his voice desperate.
Ukraine reached down and placed her finger over Estonia's lips, effectively quieting the boy.
"But you being alone would hurt me," she said, "Estonia, do you remember? Do you remember? We walked by the pond a few days ago, and it was pretty and frozen…"
"And it was the only time I've felt happy in…I don't know how long," Estonia murmured, "But I can't feel happy. The last happiness I felt, besides that, was when I fantasized about murdering your brother. I am not normal. I can't be happy, because…"
"You can have happiness!" Ukraine insisted, "You can! You just have to believe that being happy isn't bad! Eduard, you have to have dreams, but not bloody ones. Instead of dreaming about killing Russia, dream that someone-I don't know who-will come and save us. Imagine Latvia being able to be a normal child, to grow up normally, and Lithuania and Belarus finally, finally getting to be together, and none of them being afraid."
"And where are you and I, in that dream?" Estonia asked.
"We're anywhere you want us to be," Ukraine said, "Where you and I go-where everyone goes-is your dream to dream. Dream it forever, Estonia, and someday, it will come true."
"I had dreams, once," Estonia said, "And a heavy hand grasping a metal pipe crushed them."
"Then don't let anyone crush them anymore," Ukraine whispered, leaning closer to him, "From now on, your dreams are your sanctuary. Please, Estonia… Don't give up on dreams coming true. As long as you can dream, you can have a little bit of happiness."
"Happiness?" Estonia said, "I… I'm afraid to be happy. When I was happy, Lithuania disappeared. And I'm starting to think… I'm starting to think he'll never come back."
Russia saw Lithuania freeze at the sound of his voice. Then, strangely, the brunet Baltic began to shake.
"Litva?" Russia asked, "Why are you doing that…?"
Lithuania whimpered softly, his voice barely audible. The boy's hand was shaking, but he still held the gun to his head.
"You will be putting that down before you do yourself some harm, da?" Russia asked.
"If I leave myself undefended, you'll hurt me," Lithuania whispered, "I don't want you to hurt me."
"I will not hurt you, little one," Russia said, "Now put down my gun."
Lithuania hesitated, turning to stare at Russia. In his deep, green eyes, Russia saw pain, fear, and none of the cheerful warmth he was used to.
"You shot me with this same gun, didn't you?" Lithuania asked, his voice quiet and sad.
"D-da," Russia said. He was starting to feel nervous. The last time one of his Baltics had ended up in possession of a gun, he had been shot through the shoulder, which was an experience he did not want to repeat.
"Would it be okay with you if I shot myself, one more time?" Lithuania asked.
"Nyet!" Russia snapped, "It would not be okay for you to be shooting yourself! Why… Why would you even be wanting to…?"
"I thought you wanted me to die," Lithuania said sadly, "You've killed me often enough. If I stayed dead, Russia… Would you be happy then? Would everyone be happy then, if I were only gone?"
"No one would be happy if you died…" Russia said, "And if you died, I'd be all alone."
"What if I want to die?" Lithuania said, "What if just once, I do what I want, instead of helping everyone else?"
"Then you would not be acting like you always do," Russia said, "And it would be scaring me, little Litva, if you would be killing yourself, when you are always so determined to fight."
"For so long, I've tried to help everyone, and make them happy," Lithuania said, "So I wonder… Could it be my turn to decide what I want? Can I… Can I just be happy once?"
"If you were dead," Russia said, "You would not be much of anything, and definitely not of the happiness."
Lithuania sighed.
"Just for once, couldn't you be irrational when I need you to be?" he asked.
Then, to Russia's immense relief, Lithuania dropped the gun.
Today, the author's note is at the end instead of the beginning!
Well... This has been a chapter...
Hopefully I did okay writing the scenes with Ukraine... I tend to fail badly at writing her, especially in a serious situation.
I...have nothing else to say here...
See you guys next time!