And yet again, I did not update on Monday... I'm sorry!
But this story is nearing its conclusion, friends. It is nearly over. And...that's actually really scary to think about.
Chapter Twelve:
Estonia barely even registered the others' pain, he was so caught up in his own. Vaguely, he knew that Belarus was sobbing, screaming, and that Latvia was trying to comfort her. He knew that the younger boy was also crying, but all he could do was stare into space, wanting to cry, but not quite being able.
"I left them…" he whispered, his voice broken, "I left Katya and Toris at Russia's mercy… I'm… I'm a useless coward…"
He laughed quietly, somehow enjoying the sinister way his voice echoed around the small room. It was then, feeling utterly alone, that he lost all self restraint.
Estonia threw back his head and laughed aloud, and even he knew that there was insanity in his laughter.
"I left them!" he announced between his hysterical, sobbing laughs, "I left Katya behind! And I left Toris too! In the end, won't I leave everyone? Isn't that the way it is? I'll always betray everyone, so why should I try to help anymore? I left them! My dear friend, and then my brother, I left them! How long will it be before I leave Raivis and Belarus too?"
"Estonia!" Latvia whimpered from behind him, "Please, please, don't act that way…"
"It's not as if anyone cares!" Estonia said, his maddened shouts echoing around the room. He loved that echo, the way it made his voice sound. For once, he almost sounded powerful.
"Even you, Raivis, will forget me!" he shouted, "You may think you care, but watch! When I'm gone, you won't think twice before turning to find someone else to care about! I'm just another nation, lumped together with you and Lithuania under the title of the Baltic States! You can easily find someone to replace me!"
He laughed again, and this time, there was bitterness in the sound.
"You're not the useless personification, Lati. I am."
"Eduard…" Latvia sobbed, "Please…"
The boy had left the safety of the sofa, left the meager comfort of Belarus's protection. He came over to Estonia, who stood staring at him, trying to figure out why the younger nation did not flee.
"Please, Estonia…" Latvia whispered, coming closer, "I need you…"
"If you needed me, then I would be able to save you!" Estonia screamed, "If I could help you, Raivis, then maybe I would believe that you need me! But I can't save you! I can't even help you! Look… Look at your hands… You're all broken and scarred now…"
He paused, looking away from Latvia and down at his own hands, the hands of one who had nearly become a murderer.
"I couldn't save you, or Katya, or Toris," he said bitterly, "I couldn't even save myself, so how…? How could I possibly have saved you?"
"Heroes," said a voice as broken as his own, "Seldom do save themselves."
Belarus was watching them, her face still tearstained, but her expression no longer quite as distraught.
"Being a hero is about sacrifice," she said.
"Sacrifice?" Estonia said bitterly, "You mean, sacrificing yourself to save another life? You've said it yourself, Belarus. I'm a coward. I'm selfish, and I've never sacrificed myself. I only tried to save everyone, but myself first. I was always the most important person in my eyes, and now… I can't break that habit."
"I was wrong about you," Belarus said, "There are different kinds of sacrifice. Toris sacrificed his body, over and over. The scars he has, permanent and irreversible, are his proof of sacrifice."
"I made no such sacrifice," Estonia said, "The few petty scars I have were largely accidental."
"Your sacrifice was not of your body," Belarus said, "Physical torture is the burden Lithuania bears. Now… Perhaps he also shares in your sacrifice, because we were too late to rescue him."
"And what is that sacrifice?" Estonia asked, "What is the sacrifice that Toris and I may share?"
"Your sanity," Belarus said, "Your sacrifice, your heroic act… It was when you stepped into this game Russia and Lithuania used to play alone, knowing that your mind couldn't take it. You sacrificed your sanity for Latvia, didn't you?"
"I underwent pain, and couldn't endure it," Estonia said, "That is not a sacrifice! That is only weakness."
"Miss Belarus is right," Latvia said, "There are broken heroes too, Eduard! The broken heroes… They're the best kind! I like them the best, I mean. Because they don't just stay strong. They don't have that superhuman ability to endure pain without appearing to suffer, so they're the ones that seem the most human. You tried really hard…"
"…But your mind couldn't take the strain, and while trying to be your brothers' savior, you were broken," Belarus said, "And so, insanity took you. You still tried to be the savior, but you did so while in the grip of madness. You told me not to become a killer, because you did not want me to end up like you. The advice you gave was yet another heroic act. You know I am a dangerous person, and you still approached me to offer that advice. That is a heroic action. Eduard von Bock, although you may not believe it, although you do not look like it… You are a hero, although perhaps you are one who can never heal from his battle scars."
"A hero?" Estonia said bitterly, "Me?"
"Yes," said a quiet, tired voice from the doorway, "They're right. You tried hard to protect everyone, and that, Estonia, is what heroes do."
Ukraine stood in the doorway, watching them.
"You'll be all right," she said, "We'll all be all right. I… I think Russia's getting better."
"But he wouldn't let you bring Lithuania with you," Estonia said, "So what we went through is still for nothing."
"He'll come around," Ukraine said, her voice hopeful, "I think he'll let us go, Eduard. Just be patient. We'll try again soon."
"Soon?" Estonia thought, "I was being selfish before, but now, I agree with Belarus. Tomorrow won't be soon enough for Lithuania. He's shattering, breaking… Maybe he already has. But…for him to believe that he is the one who deserves to die… What could possibly have happened to bring him to that conclusion?"
He knew, however, that Ukraine would not allow an immediate, forceful action. The girl would surely value the safety of the rest of the group over Lithuania's sanity. But he, Estonia, who was so far gone… He would not allow Lithuania to fall into darkness, as he had.
"We can't wait for long," he said.
"We can't wait at all. If you will not act, Yekaterina… If you must care for Belarus and Latvia before we can intervene for Lithuania… Then I will step up. Sacrifice makes a hero, Belarus said. Then… I will sacrifice."
Once Ukraine came to speak with Estonia, Belarus allowed herself to collapse inward. She knew that Latvia, sitting next to her, would be unable to tell that she was breaking as long as she kept all emotion off her face. Over and over in her mind, the moment she had stabbed Lithuania replayed in all its gory detail.
"I stabbed him mercilessly. I would have done that to big brother. All that blood, all that pain, it was supposed to be Russia who experienced that. I never meant for Lithuania to be hurt like that… But of course, he had to play the hero. I suppose that's what I loved about him, but…"
She paused, trying to block out the next, horrible thought.
"I killed him for the very thing I so admire. And before, I… I hurt him because he was kind to me. Because I hated his kindness, hated the way he tried so hard to impress me, because he already seemed to have all that I wanted. I…punished him…for having a life full of abuse at the hands of the brother I idolized. He didn't deserve that hurt, and so, how could he possibly have deserved to pay for his kindness with his life?"
She knew Lithuania would return, alive, knew that he would not blame her for the terrible pain she had inflicted upon him, but she still could not shake the image of his face, pained, a broken, hopeless look in his eyes, as he pulled her closer, thrusting the knife farther into his own stomach.
"Sentencing himself to yet another cruel punishment. Oh, Toris, why?"
And thinking back, then, Belarus wondered if Lithuania would not have been safer had she never come near him, had she never dared to attempt to learn the truth by asking this seemingly worthless boy to tell her. This boy had turned out to be far more precious than she could have thought, and she had hurt him.
"If I had not asked him what was going on… If I had not forced him to talk… If I had not tried to stop their punishment and made it worse… Perhaps he would not be in this hopeless situation now. Perhaps it would have been better if I had stayed cold toward him, hurting him only a little. He cares too much. When he cares, he opens up yet another weak point in his far too vulnerable heart. I cannot be his weak point. And I cannot protect him… Not if he is always protecting me. So… Perhaps…"
Belarus sighed, and, despite her wish to keep the tears from spilling over, they began to fall.
"I can protect him better… If I only pretend that I do not love him. And he will be safe… If I make it clear that I, and I alone, will protect myself. Even if it means hurting him a little, surely he'll recover? Surely I don't mean enough to him that if I withdraw, he will be hurt by it forever? No, of course he does not care that much, not really. He is Lithuania, the smiling boy with eyes of sunlight. I am Belarus, the ice queen. Sunlight and ice cannot be together… Not in the end… Not when the ice will crush and destroy the sunlight. For a time, the sunlight melted the ice. Now… the ice…both me and my brother…have crushed the sunshine's light. I am sorry, Toris. I am not a safe person to love. I would have killed my own brother. Once, I would even have killed you."
She looked down, remembering.
"I plotted your death in great detail, and I relished the thought of your agony, of your screams. I am sick. I am a killer, like Russia. Siblings are sometimes very much alike, and such is the case here. In time, I would come once again to hurt you. Even now, when I know how much I care for you… I hurt you. The best way to keep you safe… Is for you to believe firmly that I never loved you, for you to believe that I went so far as to lie about my feelings for some reason. But I will protect you from afar. When you are hurt, when you get into one of those ridiculous situations that only you can… Then I will save you, although you must never see that I am the one. That is what I must do. Forgive me, Toris. I am a killer. It is in my blood. You are too kind for this world, and would love even a killer in hopes of changing that person. And you would destroy yourself in doing so. Forgive me. We must never… We must never be together."
Lithuania had hoped, every time he had orchestrated his own death, that this would be the final curtain call. That he, Lithuania, would finally cease to exist, no longer needed as personification of any nation.
And time and time again, he woke, to face the darkness and growing despair that haunted his mind.
"Someone, please…" he whispered upon waking, "Show me how to die… Let me leave this world… Please."
"Litva…" Russia's voice was quiet, almost frightened, "You are still wanting death?"
"There's nothing else for me to wait for, Ivan," Lithuania said, "At the end of every life, there is death. Humans…they don't know how lucky they are, being able to choose, to some degree, the day of their passing. No nation has that right, nor do we possess that ability. We can only wait for the inevitable day when someone finally overthrows us, so that we may fade away. I… I want to die now, Ivan. At least humans have to hope of love, of a family. I… I cannot even remember…the meaning of those words. They're all jumbled in my head… All I know is that I deserve to be punished, that I want to die more than anything, and it is the one thing I cannot do. Ivan, please, if you know how… Kill me. Kill me so that I can never return to this world."
"Oh, little Toris…" Russia sighed, sounding almost regretful, "I… I did this to you, didn't I?"
"I chose this life for myself," Lithuania said, "I… At that time, I thought I would never regret choosing this life, filled with pain, if it meant I could save my friends. But now, I see that I doomed myself to a never-ending despair."
Tears began to fall again, spilling from his dull, green eyes and onto his tattered uniform.
"I see now…" he whispered, "I never wanted to escape, because… If I escape from this mansion, from you, Russia… I will carry my memories with me. I didn't want to escape! I wanted to go back… To anywhere but here! To stay with America again for a time, to live with Poland and fight beside him… I wanted to go back…to the happy times I shared with my friends. But I can't… I can't go back… Never to that happiness, never to my friends. There is only death…for me."
Russia could only stare at Lithuania, wondering if the boy had really said what he thought he had heard.
"Little one… Litva…" Russia stammered, surprised, "Why…?"
"Why not?" Lithuania asked, seeming strangely calm, "Everyone must face death. So why not me? Why not now?"
"Because I do not want you to die!" Russia blurted.
"If you didn't want me to die…" Lithuania said slowly, "Then why, Russia, did you spend so long slowly killing me? This…this place… Ever since I entered this house, I have been dying slowly. And now…"
The boy broke off, chuckling softly.
"Now I have lost the true meaning of words I once knew," he said, "I don't remember the meaning of the words that kept me alive. What is love, Mr. Russia? What is friendship? I…I wanted to teach these things to you… But I myself have forgotten them."
"Then remember, Litva!" Russia said, "Please! How can I help you remember those words? I can try to help you, if you tell me how…"
"I don't know how to remember, Ivan," Lithuania said, "I… I can't… I want to remember things, happy things, and words that meant a lot to me… But…they're slipping away. Something cracked, I think… And when it did, all the good things escaped me, leaving only this pain."
The brunet boy sighed.
"I can't stand the pain… I can't…be strong…anymore…"
Estonia waited until night, painfully aware that every moment was one more that Lithuania, his brother, would be trapped.
"He called me his brother. He protected me. I will protect him. I can do it. I will get him out of there, even if it means I have to stay behind. If I can only get him downstairs, if I can only convince the others to flee… Then I can distract Russia, while they get out of here. If…if Katya will leave me. Of course she'll leave me. I'll only be a burden to them if I go, and I'm one less person for them to worry about… They'll leave me. And it's all right. It's fine if they leave me, as long as they all get out with their sanity intact."
And so, when his friends had finally fallen asleep, Estonia made his move.
The blonde boy stood up, and, in the half-light from the moon outside, looked around at his friends.
"If this is the last time we meet… Then I want to remember your faces."
Latvia was curled up on the sofa, shivering slightly. The boy had kicked his blanket off somehow, and Estonia tucked it back around him, smiling softly.
"Stay safe, Lati. And… Find someone better to take care of you, okay?"
He glanced over at Belarus, but did not go near her, afraid the girl would awake and confront him.
"I hope you won't think I'm a coward now," he said, "And I hope… I hope this won't be in vain."
He went to Ukraine last, and it was then, only for a moment, that he wished, perhaps selfishly, to stay with his friends, despite the fact that if he did not act, Lithuania might come out of Russia's mansion even farther gone than he, Estonia, was already.
"I'm sorry," he murmured, "It looks as if… You may not be able to help me, after all."
He looked down at her, and then, he glanced over at Latvia and at Belarus, thinking of happiness that might have been had, if they could only have escaped. Somehow, Estonia had reconciled himself to the thought of being left behind, and he would willingly make that sacrifice if it came to that.
"It's not as if you need me," he said, "But you need Lithuania. So… Goodbye, Katya. Goodbye, little brother, Raivis… And goodbye, Natalya. Maybe I'll be back, and then I will stay with you. But more likely, I'll only be here long enough to ask you to forget me…and run away…"
His voice broke, and, not wanting his emotions to take over, he turned away.
"Katya… If I thought it would matter, I would have… I would have told you… I…"
He could not say it. He could not say the thing he so wished to.
"I… Farewell."
Russia watched Lithuania as the boy slept, wondering how he could help him.
"I… I always thought, before, that I could help you with punishment…" he mumbled, "But now… I can't see why I thought that. Poor little Toris… How did it come to this? I… I'm sorry, Litva. Forgive me."
But, of course, there was no reply from Lithuania, only stillness.
Suddenly, Lithuania began to thrash wildly, and, although he was still asleep, it appeared to Russia that the boy was in pain.
"You will hurt yourself…" Russia whispered, "Please, be stopping that…"
Of course, Lithuania ignored him, and, after a moment's hesitation, Russia went over and held the boy down, trying not to hurt him.
Lithuania struggled, crying out in his sleep, pleading for someone to stop, to not hurt him again. And Russia knew that although Lithuania was in a dream, the person the boy was talking to must be him, must be Russia. For who else would have hurt Lithuania so much that he cried even in dreams?
"Ssh, little one," Russia said, "I… I will not do it again. I will be trying harder to be a good friend, da? Litva, please… If you will only get better, then I will try very hard to get better too! So… Come back from darkness. I want the sunlight in your eyes to come back. Please, Toris… Come back."
Fine. I admit it. I added chapters to have an excuse to have Estonia lose it one more time. But...he may not act exactly the way you expect him to... :)
Now, update on life. I'm updating a day early, as you can see, since I have to leave for a youth retreat after school tomorrow. If I can, I'll update "Written in Blood" before I leave. If not, then it will update as usual starting on the Saturday after this one. :)