Chapter 3:
Radiance of Hope
-x-
I just realized today that I made Levi looked like Eren the II when his left arm and right leg was bitten by a titan, opposite of both sides from Eren though from episode 5 O.O
I really didn't expect that.
Title's from Maroon 5's song Maps.
P.S.
This was supposed to be uploaded yesterday but I was very busy with school reports so yeah, kinda have this uploaded delayed with the exact day I was suppose to upload this with my other fic chapters. (I kinda upload them all at once together)
Have fun reading.
-x-
Chapter 3:
All the Roads You Took Came Back to Me
-x-
Hanji asked Moblit to take care of Levi every night, and that she won't need him for a while and his assistance. He tried to disagree and insist but he failed, telling him that it's an order from her and he doesn't have the right not to obey her. He nodded and still made sure that the assigned rookies are still to continue looking after their former heichou everytime the sun is still visible.
Every day, Hanji will bury herself with work, working on some papers and most especially her research, experiments and studies regarding the titans. She wants to understand every single one of them even better so she can eliminate them and then search the world for a new place for her to start a new. She wouldn't even eat lunch or dinner or anything in between, her breakfast the only thing she would swallow that is already good for the entire day. It only took a week for her body to lose half its total weight, looking oddly thinner than ever. Moblit was even tempted to push all the food that he brings to her mouth when he goes back to her. He would gladly do it once she's asleep. He could feel that he is taking care of two whiny babies in a single day, Hanji in while the sun is up and Levi once the sun is down.
Her eyes were droopy, tired and most of all, sad. It was no longer alive and jolly and bright that everybody sees, and it bothers them.
Mike, Erwin and the rest of the most important figures in the Recon Corps did not failed to hear that she and Levi had a very horrible argument, not a misunderstanding. She would always correct them that misunderstanding is different to something that has been done in full awareness. They tried to reach out, tell her the most comforting words that they could say but nothing worked. She would continue on her work, as though she didn't heard anything that they are saying to her. They would all sighed in return as Moblit glares at them like 'I told you so' and leave her be.
While out on a mission, she has become too brutal, scaring most of the younger ones away, even the others too. She would laugh maniacally as she slices every bit of muscle and every bit of blood spurting out from each titan. She was having fun slaughtering each one of them and she would kill them slowly, making them feel pain. No one reacted negatively towards what she is doing or how she was acting, thinking that she needs it to herself. They would eventually go back to the walls, as Hanji will smell like she was dipped into a pile of blood.
Hanji no longer cared of what others will say, all she cares now is how she will be able to finish her task each and every day. She needed something to keep her sanity maintained, or else she will lose it and breakdown.
No one seemed to have the guts or faith to reach out to her. No one can help her and just witness her degrading slowly out of reality.
Chris in the other hand did not talked to her, having pleased himself that he won over Levi. He saw how Hanji reacted recently, laughing to himself in his victory. He tried to make advances towards Hanji in one fine day and he almost got himself killed again, and this time, it was very close to death. She seems serious about killing him this time. As for Hanji, she still owes the man, for if it's not for him, she will never find out and be left cheated on by her husband. But she didn't want to know how Chris found out all about it, she is just aware that he has ears all over the place.
One rainy night when Hanji was alone on her lab, busy as usual, when Petra came in. It was unexpected and she didn't even hear her coming inside, too preoccupied of writing with her new discoveries. She was alarmed and was surprised that she had her hand was slapped onto her chest, as though she had seen a ghost. Realizing who it was, her expression changed into a serious one again and continued back to her work. Petra just stared at her and how she busied herself with work.
"What do you want?" she asked without even looking at her.
"I know apologizing won't do good." Petra started and removed her drenched hoody off her head. "But I know I owe you a lot. You should understand tha-"
"I should understand that you're not supposed to be here." Hanji let go of her quill and papers, looking at her boringly into her eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be at the country side with your family?"
"I am, I just came here to talk to you."
"About what? How my husband lovingly fucked you before?" Her tone was trying to be sweet, high in tone, but not welcoming to her.
Petra inhaled longer and exhaled deeper, trying to keep her calm herself as far as she can. It's going to be a long conversation she thought to herself. And she should have expected this.
"Hanji, you're a close and dear friend to me and I know nothing but to be your ally." She started. Hanji let out a laughed and snorted.
"Really? That's really convincing." Laughing as she tries to write a couple of observations on her papers. She snorted. A friend who will fuck over your lover as she is already engage with another man? What kind of horrible definition it is for a friend then?
"I mean it Hanji. You should be aware of what had happened between me and Levi was a-"
"Mistake. Ha! Hell yeah, I know. Tell it all you want I don't and won't care." Hanji grinned, showing that she is serious about her words.
"You should know that you are important to Levi and that you are his only life." It's actually a pain to pronounce Levi's name, guilty of what had happened between them. But she needs to help the couple, her two comrades out, knowing that she is the reason for their near total separation.
Hanji let out a laugh. "What made you even say that?"
Petra gathered all the luck and bravery to speak, knowing what she is about to say will trigger a few unwanted memories back. "Because he told me. He told me everything. He told me how much he loves you."
"Aww that's so sweet." She's mocking her, and she can feel it. "I had enough bullshit Petra. You may leave."
"No. You don't understand."
"Understand what? Didn't you hear me? I said go." Hanji's voice is rising, and her eyes are becoming fiery with hate.
Petra stood still and settled herself, breathing slowly. She doesn't care if Hanji drags her outside the lab, she will explain things anyway with all her might. "That night, I told him I actually love him before, realizing that he has the right to know of how and what I feel for him for doing my best to have him pick me to be one of his squad members. But it was not the love that I was actually yearning for, realizing it late when Olou became serious on me. But Olou made things so clear to me and realized that he is the one I needed. As my captain, I think he has the right to know but we were drunk. But things went wrong and it just happened. All out of control of that alcohol and lust that we had for each other before I guess that made us do it" She started, even if she really didn't want to recall that horrible night.
Hanji looked at her in bewilderment. At least she's already interest in listening and stopped telling her to get out of her lab. Suddenly she remembered where was she when that happened? She didn't know a thing, and somehow felt horrible she can't keep a closer eye on Levi that night too.
"I didn't like what he was doing but I gave in. I was scared he might kill me if I fought back. He said he also liked me before, but that was way before he even realized how much you meant to him. We couldn't even finish it because he suddenly cried, coming to his senses and realizing of what was happening. We stopped immediately and he apologized to me. We kept what had happened to us as a secret, but then that kid Mark came out behind the boxes of gasses. We all had agreed to keep it only to us three and no one should know, most especially Olou and you. My world will be totally blown if Olou leaves me as Levi kept on saying that he loves you so much he doesn't know what will happen if you will walk out of his life." She continued. She eyed Hanji who was staring at the floor, not moving, trying to convince herself that Petra is lying.
"When that happened, it taught us a great lesson in life that we did choose the right people for our lives, most especially we knew who we truly love after all. He was so scared that he cried until before he sees you the following day, he was just happy that you were still on your good normal self and was not able to see the fear, guilt and sadness behind his eyes that time. He kept looking at his hands, shouting at himself, 'what have I've done' as he cried." Petra's gaze did not left Hanji, and she did not know if her words will make something out of her, but she is still hoping. For Hanji's part, she never saw Levi cried, let alone witnessed a tear fall from his eyelids. She is now silently hoping that Petra has only mistaken Levi for crying to something else.
"Heichou was very intense that time, feeling really broken that he did that to you. Whenever he looks at you, I can perfectly see the pain in his eyes, the guilt and worry. He is ashamed of himself and is very worried about you" Petra further explains.
"Looks like you are even more compatible to him than I do" Hanji snorted and let out a laugh to herself.
"Look, you two are important to each other and for the Corps most especially. I know I am no longer asking for your forgiveness because I know it'll be very hard for you to give such thing to me, but I do am asking for your understanding and consideration for your husband's sake. I know you still love him, even if you won't tell me, or anyone, or even admit it to yourself."
"Oh yeah! You don't know shi-"
"Oh I do know shit like that because I am married to the person I love and who loves me back." Hanji bit her tongue and swallowed hard. She does have a point there. A tear rolled down on Petra's cheek and smiled in midst of it. "Olou... Olou did not gave up on me. Even if I hurt him that bad, he didn't left me and our son. He said no matter what, and even if I do it with thousands of man, he'll never let go of me. I was not able to give and show the same love towards him, but my heart sank as he said those words. He did not know how much I love him and how much he meant to me. When I even bore him our son, he just looked at him for so long that I realized what he was doing. He thought it was not his, but when he witness how our son's hair curled with my hair color, and eyes mimicking his when he is laughing, he just laughed with tears." Petra tried to sound convincing and alright, and wished she does. She is almost crying as she giggled slightly, recalling how adorable her son looks like when Olou plays with him.
"No matter what you think Hanji Danchou, I, Olou and our son will still hope for the best of your marriage with Heichou. We know it hurts like hell, but we sure about the fact that you still have a bit of love for him." Hanji didn't respond, her eyes are now focused on the floor, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
"When Heichou touched me, I know it wasn't for me. It wasn't caring and not sweet, pure lust and confusion." Petra made her way towards door, but still added a few more words for Hanji to change her mind entirely. "I remember how Olou holds and caress me, I know that I am the only woman in his life to have the touch of his and I am bound to have his touch, only his touch, where no one else can give." Petra unlocks the door, her clothes still dripping wet. She took a last long at Hanji who was not moving on her desk, looking blankly on her papers holding a quill. "Remember and feel how Heichou loves you, how he means to you. Remember that his touches and kisses were only for you, and that you are the last most important person in the world for him that no one could ever replace" She already have the door handle on her hand when Hanji suddenly halted her from going further outside.
"Did he told you to do this?" Then she eyed Petra carefully, looking for an answer.
"No, Heichou didn't know anything about me talking to you." With that, Petra smiled sadly at Hanji and then she left her alone to think things through.
Hanji is now tormented about the truth, of her heart and her mind fearing that Petra is right. A part of her still loves and cares for Levi, even now, she still longs for him. She remembered how he touched her and caress her skin, how he nuzzle his nose on her cheek whenever he hugs her from the back and how his hand tugged on her hair. She even thinks of him and how he was doing every single moment, even if she got out of their shared home. They maybe small affections but they only shared those to each other, she is certain of that. Even if Petra maybe telling the truth, it still hurts for her part. But for now, it may hurt like hell but the pain her heart will hopefully, slowly and it scares her. She's not yet ready to fix things with Levi or even forgive him yet.
They were on a relationship that time that he and Petra have done it, accidentally or not. He should have just told her about it because she is sure that she will forgive him. All she's asking was all honesty from him.
If she would want to see Levi, if she would want to be with her husband again, she have to act quickly. With mere hesitation, she wiped away the tears on her face and pulled out a new set of papers and started to draw, think and formulize. She tried to wear her wedding and engagement ring once again, trying to feel back the contentment and happiness she once felt when they were placed on her finger. She was shaken by thought that she is still hoping for them, but at least she could try and see things first. She may not be able to receive those same feelings back in an instant but she sure is that they will return to her heart and remind her that she is Levi's wife. It may not be easy to erase all the harsh memories and feelings but she will get pass them, hopefully for sure.
Some part of her is still yearning for him, for his body, his embrace, his kisses, his protection and his love. She does miss their dirty nicknames and filthy jokes, but it's a part of them that made them who they are and different from any other married couples. Hanji swears that she is going crazy, but she needs to try at least.
A soft smile crept on her face, as she felt warmed in the middle of the cold torturing rain.
-x-
Levi was broken. He's incomplete, he's useless, and he's hopeless. There would be no way for him to get Hanji back and mend their broken marriage. A part of him still hopes but most of his totality has fully surrendered to the fact that he will just rotten in this place and die of a broken heart.
Every morning, every time the sun is up, he will be woken up by the sounds of some rookie kid that will watch over him. He will do nothing but just stare at the ceiling as he feels his heart crumbles everyday to single bits. He remembers how he and Hanji once lived life together, and now she won't even see him. It pains his heart so bad that he no longer has the will power to lift a single fork nor open his mouth to feed himself. The rookie will just always sigh to their defeat, no longer wanting to even argue with him about such a thing.
Levi would always look outside his windows by his dim room, staring at the sun that has been his only light since Hanji left him. She didn't even once returned to their home to get more of her things, and his heart felt like was pinched by a thousand times, feeling his hopes down. But as he stared at the horizon, at the sky, at the sun, he is hoping that she is staring at it too, at least somehow, they would be sharing something between them even if there are way apart from each other and everything about them has not yet been gone entirely.
Moblit will come at night and prepare dinner for Levi. That's the only time he eats properly, when Moblit tells him how Hanji is doing, what she does towards the entire day and if she even spoke about his name. He even hopes that she would say that she plans to visit him, even if it'll be her last visit to him so Levi can prepare himself for her. He would ask how their meetings went, her operations, her researches, experiments and if she takes care of herself. He is far too worried for her and didn't even want even one single fucking hair to get loose on her head. He would ask how she did after their missions and if the Chris guy is still messing with her.
Moblit will answer Levi's every question properly and slowly. He would tell him about Hanji's day, and usually he will just describe how busy her day went entirely just doing this and signing that, meetings to this and checking to that and how her experiments and researches are done quietly before the day ends. Even if it is the answer that Levi always here everyday, he never gets tired of hearing it. He misses every bit of her and hearing something that has got to do with her makes him feel warm and a little bit alive. Even if Moblit's answers were predictable, it makes him feel contented somehow that this is the only last thing that he could do to feel his wife.
One night, he was tempted to ask Moblit to just bring him around to Hanji but insisted and told him that even if he wanted to carry him to her lab, he can't. She would have been asleep or just very busy to acknowledge him and just humiliate himself. Not that he does not want to help the poor guy but he taught of the possible things that could happen, and might even break his heart and kill himself in the process. He didn't want things to end like that, even if it's just a hunch. And he could swear that Hanji might do something to the both of them have them killed in an instant if he brings Levi there. She'll be uncontrollable, and believes that whatever it is that Levi is planning to do, it won't do or fix anything between the two of them.
"Did she ate today?"
"Yes she did. A big heavy breakfast then the usual, very little bread and soup in the evening or in afternoons. She still gulps heavy liters of water all the time."
So, she might have been able to move on fast from him then? He gripped his bed sheet so tight that it almost got ripped in his hand. How can she do that? How can she just forget about him that easily?
"Heichou..."
"She doesn't miss me, right?" his eyes turned from a hurt and sad one after being expressionless the entire day. It hurt him to realize the truth, as the truth even comes out of his very own mouth. As much as he wanted not to believe his own thought and words, he just can't help feeling it to be the truth after all. Moblit in the other hand can't do anything but to pity the man right in front of him.
Moblit was not able to answer. How could he when he doesn't even really know the truth? Hanji maybe able to show that she doesn't miss him but he is not sure if in the inside, she really doesn't care anymore about Levi.
"I...I don't know Heichou..." was the unsure respond of Moblit.
"Does she ask about me, even once or twice a week?" Moblit thought about that. She does anyway.
"About twice or thrice a week though, Heichou" at least she's still asking about him he thought.
There was an awkward silence between them, something that they usually share.
"I suggest you try reading her books that she left here, Heichou." Moblit suddenly burst out of nowhere.
"Why is that?"
"So that you have something to talk about when she sees you."
He was quiet about the thought, and Moblit thinks it was a shitty stupid idea. "I mean, at least yo-"
"No you're right. I don't have anything to do here anyway." He smirked, thinking of how happy Hanji could be if she finds out that Levi is now interested in her books and they could share their thoughts about it. They would be reconnected at least, even for a very few little things, just to even divert her attention from their sudden tragedy. "I would even feel her reconnected to me again" and he closed his eyes.
He didn't care if he looks and sounds stupid and hilarious in front of Moblit, but he did promised himself to start reading tomorrow.
Moblit was surprised to know about Levi agreeing to his sudden suggestion, and what was more surprising was that Levi didn't agreed so just he can kill time but so that he can feel her again being reconnected to him.
Moblit is sure that they want nothing more but to be with each other again, but Hanji is too hurt to even see Levi once a month.
-x-
Hanji was very busy drawing ideas and writing letters and held meetings for the Recon Corps. But once in a while, she would stare at the sun every once in the afternoon, feeling she should look at it and watch the sky as the birds fly in it. She never failed to do such a thing when he stepped out of Levi's life.
She held her cup of coffee, breathe through her nose of its scent gently as she calm herself down. When a few hair strands came falling into her cup of coffee as she gulps on it, her left hand immediately removed them and took a glance at her rings in her finger.
She shivered.
She could not even thought that she would do this and hope for something that she is not even sure too.
"Danchou.." Moblit suddenly came in her office door.
Like a child caught up sneeking in the middle of the night, Hanji panicked. But seeing it was Moblit, she calmed, learning it wasn't Chris.
"Are you okay Danchou?" Moblit asked worriedly, sensing his leader's shaken up all of a sudden.
Hanji cannot help but smile. "I am alright. So how was it?"
"The blacksmiths all over the walls were capable of doing such project, Danchou." Hanji beamed warmly at Moblit and his hard works.
"I owe you a lot, Moblit."
"How was yours, Danchou?"
"Erwin has a great doctor for a cousin, and I talked it over for him. He was surprised about my planned surprise too, and can't even believe that I was doing such a thing after what had happened" she giggled and took out a couple of papers, showing their scheduled operation. It is a relief to see and hear her laugh, missing it for a couple of months.
"See? They immediately agreed too that's why I am very happy. It's a good thing that the blacksmiths already agreed so we can ask them to hurry and have them made."
"Yes Danchou. You're right" Moblit reflected her smiles, he seems hopeful for things to get better soon.
Hanji sipped on her cup of coffee and looked at the window again, facing her back to Moblit. "Tell me Moblit, do you think he's still mad at me?" her voice suddely turned low and shaky.
"Not at all Danchou" he is sure of it.
"But do you think..." she was shaking, not sure if she needed to continue asking. Moblit waited patiently until Hanji had the guts to finish her statement.
"...you think everything will work out as planned?"
Moblit blinked a hundred times, laughing to himself. "Of course Danchou! Your works and plans never failed"
"I do fail sometimes"
"But still not that bad right? And if it failed, we would know how to fix it" Moblit reassured her. He is certain of his words for her.
Hanji couldn't help but giggle and approach the young man. "I owe you a lot Moblit" and squeezed his hand.
"So when do you think we should have it done Danchou?" returning her the warm soft squeeze that she just gave in his hand.
"Next week" and she smiled at him.
-x-
Levi was busy reading the book of 'Great Expectations', an ancient book that Hanji found very amusing. If ever they would see each other again, he would surely say that he is like Pip. He did finished a couple of books too, and he is eager enough to discuss and share everything to her, wondering if she ever finished everything else by her own or if he read more books than her.
Sometimes, he couldn't help but feel envious at some stories and novels, stating how they ended up happily ever after or the characters would tell and show how much they love one another. It makes him feel hollow. He despised reading before, but he doesn't have much of an option right now, most especially that he believes that this is the only thing that will make him reconnect with Hanji again.
He was suddenly surprised by the sudden open of his door room, revealing Moblit, smiling. The rookie who was watching over Levi who just fall asleep, was also surprised and woke up instantly.
"Why are you here so early?" Levi asked, his book clutched on his hands, closed. It's in the middle of the afternoon and he appeared all of a sudden.
Moblit wiped the smile off his face and stood still. "You are needed to see a doctor today, Heichou"
Levi raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yes Heichou"
"I am not aware that I am scheduled to see a doctor today, Moblit" he said in distaste. Despite being grateful for everything that he has done, he still can't understand why he is asking him to go see a doctor when he just did last week. And he disturbed him right in the middle where Pip is about to find out who his benefactor was.
Moblit just stared at him. "Here Heichou, I'll help you. I mean, I'll carry you. You can bring the book if you wanted."
Levi sighed in defeat. Moblit carried him as the rookie helped him, opened and closing the doors for them as he settled Levi on a wagon to bring in the medic quarters. To his surprise, it took them longer than they had expected and arrived at the hospital the following day.
"What the fuck?" was the only thing that came out of his mouth once he finds out that he was settled down in a bed in a medical wing and that they are in Wall Sina. Everything seems too classy and sophisticated for a medical wing in any of the walls. His doctor doesn't stay here!? He was really buzzed. They arrived here when he was asleep, dozing off the entire day as he got his eyes tired of reading.
A doctor and his assistant tried to calm him down. "Please relax Heichou, you are alright"
"No I'm not. Tell me where the fuck I am an-"
"His wife will arrive soon doctor. We must get him ready before she arrives, before she even gets hysterical" another doctor added as he came in their room, looking worried.
Levi was suddenly stopped by his mumblings. What the? Hanji?
The doctor laid him down, his back flat on his bed. He didn't know what to say.
"Doctor, what in the world is going on here?" He asked puzzled, no longer caring as to what or how many people are inside the room already, preparing him for something that looked like a surgery of some sort. He feels like he is to be experimented on and be killed.
"Aren't you supposed to be just checking on me?" The doctor suddenly stopped working on his torn leg and looked at him quizzically but did not answer him.
"There. We are ready when you are Heichou." The doctor suddenly told him once he was done working on his leg and arm, finished preparing it for some cutting and stitching to be done for a long couple of hours. Levi can't see his face but he is sure that he is smiling at him.
They left him without a word and he was all alone again. Somehow, he has gotten to get used to this feeling of isolation, staring blankly at the ceiling, thinking of nothing, waiting for nothing.
That was where he was wrong.
The door opened slowly, and Hanji came in. He could not believe what he is seeing. Was he delusional? What did he ate to form illusions into his mind? Or is someone playing pranks on him?
He started to tremble as Hanji walked slowly towards him, as though her feet were too heavy to carry. Her face was sadly worried, sweat formed in her forehead. He could feel that she too is uneasy as he does, and it's making him feel oddly nervous too. 'What is really happening here?' he thought.
After what seemed like an hour of walking towards him, her feet heavy, unsure of her steps, she halted right beside him, tears threatening to fall in her cheeks but stayed put in her eyes. Her right hand slowly touched his cheek as his eyes were wide in surprise. Her touch sent electric pulses in his veins and he swear he could run with joy in just one leg and a busted arm. But he couldn't, and he is seeing her, Hanji is right in front of him, touching his cheek.
He was struggling to move but all the wiring, blankets, bandages and cloths over him made him unable to do so. He wants to reach out to her and touch her face, tug his hand on her hair and pull her into a long kiss and a long tight embrace. Nevertheless, he feels like crying the shit out of him, feeling tears also forming in his eyes. He doesn't know how to act or what to do. He shut his eyes, feeling her touch but opened once she had her hand away from his face again and slowly returned to her sides.
"I" she began, her voice wobbly. "I am sorry I was late. I had a meeting and need to make sure everything is alright" her gaze quickly turned to his metal helpers and cloths around him, making her feel uneasy as she tried to keep her tears in her eyes.
"Hanj..." his voice broke. He couldn't speak. It's like he had seen a ghost and no matter what he do, no voice comes out of his mouth.
"I... I know you're confused" she smiled at him, and he knew he could already die. She smiled, and it's for him. "but everything's going to be alright" she continued and traced his arms. She is tempted to sit beside him but she can't, she might burst out crying in tears again. She missed him, there's no denying to that. She misses him really, really much despite the pain and anger that she just felt for him.
As for Levi, even if he's not sure if he would still be alive after a few hours or not, he doesn't care. As long as Hanji is already is smiling, and it's for him, he feels better and wouldn't ask for anything anymore.
He still wanted to cry even if much effort holding his tears back, and he can already fell his tears running through his cheeks and there's only one hand that can swipe them all away in an instant. He wanted to say something but he can't speak, too much delight and shock of what was happening. Hanji got worried even worse and she slowly descended on his bedside, sitting and then placing her head on his chest, her upper body pressed into his own, looking for the same serenity that she feels whenever she usually hugs him.
"Don't cry" she whispers as he whimpers and tries to stop the sobbing. He can't believe what he is hearing, Hanji? Comforting him? Telling him not to cry? Now that made his tears roll even faster.
Her hand explored his chest, halted and run through his arm again. He wished to pull her back, she doesn't have any idea how much he wanted to hug her so tight that she could no longer breathe.
She moaned and hummed as her head rested on his chest, feeling contented, warm and just happy all over again. After minutes of staying like that, Hanji stood up and inched her face closer to him. He's struggling to move, but he's not talking.
"I'll wait for you, Levi" and she courageously kissed him fully on the mouth. He responded weakly as she kissed him slowly and pulled away, making Levi want to burst into tears again. His lips were dry, but wished she didn't mind and she continued kissing him, nibbling his lower lip, moisturizing it with her very own mouth. Her touch on his face as they kissed drove him nuts, and he wanted to shout at her, to tell her why she just won't stay by his side.
She didn't know if what she is doing is right, but her mind is convincing her that it is wrong, no matter how much her heart refused to say the opposite thing that her mind is forcing her to feel and think. She just needs to find if there are still a spark of love or any kind of sweet affection if she kisses him, just want to see and realize if there would still be hope for them both.
Once she parted her lips from him, she rested her forehead lightly on his as she run a finger on the tip of his nose. She asks herself if she missed him and tries to see if he misses her in return too.
"S-sstay. Please." He finally spoke. It's a good thing his tears are no longer falling down on his cheeks.
Hanji lightly smiled and had replaced her finger with her nose, brushing to his. He miss this, he miss her nose, he miss her touch, he miss everything, he miss her kiss, her mouth to his, he really missed her a lot and he wanted nothing but to hug her, embrace her so tight until her bones crushed, consume her and show the world that she is still his.
She gave him a quick peck on the lips after brushing her nose to his again, making his insides giddy with excitement. He wanted her so bad that his heart is aching, realizing she is about to leave once again.
"You'll see me again once you wake up." And she finally stood up, placing a small, sad smile on her face.
Her hand run to his right hand, and as he grip on it tightly, he felt the rings that they have vowed over one another, that they'll stay together, no matter what happens. And it made his heart stopped. She is still wearing it, after what had happened between them as his was eaten by that fucking titan together with his left arm.
"W-wait." He was gasping, struggling to talk, forcing himself to move and Hanji looked back at him, her worried and sad expression not fading away. He cannot really understand why he is uttering and can't form a single good thing to say to her.
She faced him again and wiped the cold sweat in his forehead with her bare hands. She gave him a final kiss on the lips, pressed harder, until he opened his mouth and they prolonged the kiss. He didn't know where the energy came from but he kissed her back, as his tongue licked everything inside hers, fast but soft. He missed her so much, every single bit of her. She was the one who pulled away, a bit forcefully since he doesn't seemed to stop and stared at him for a second. She flashed; she shouldn't be doing this, not this kind of kiss.
She tries to convince herself that this is just a trial act of affection, just to know if there would still be something between them, a little light of hope for their love. She wanted to convince herself that it was nothing, but her heart beats for something else, and she is not happy about it. She is still not yet ready enough to share those same kisses with him, and wonders if she really does need to do this to him anyway.
She quickly turned on her heels and made her way towards the door. Her hand landed on the doorknob, and shakily turned to open it. But before she made her way out and calls for the doctors, she was halted again by Levi.
"I love you." He tried to say with his might, hurting his throat, voice cracked but fortunately, she heard him.
It rang a bell on her head, triggering a lot of sweet torturing memories. Something he had done right after the night he proposed to her, and now he does it again before she heads out the door. Some kind of reminder to drill in her head. She looked at him slowly, but there was a sudden fear and sadness written on her face, her mouth open, swollen and numb with his quick deep kiss. His eyes were hoping for a sweet reply, but nothing came, and he feared that he fucked things up again, now that she went outside, telling him nothing in response.
He laid on his bed, looking at the ceiling once again and hoped that Hanji will be the first thing he sees when he wakes up, no longer wanting the isolation of his heart.
-x-
Levi woke up after the surgery. So it was indeed a surgery, he thought. He was down to sleep and he didn't know anything else that had happened.
He saw the same ceiling that he saw before he slept and tried to feel his body. Something feels wrong and heavy. This isn't supposed to be what he feels. He should feel lighter and incomplete. He tried to move but winced in pain. He scanned his torn leg and arm, and they are covered with cloth and layers of bandages heavily and can't see them entirely clearly.
He did checked his remaining leg and it is still in good condition and when he saw his right arm, he was surprised that Hanji was there, sat by his side, sleeping as her head placed on the top of her crossed arms as her right hand's finger is intertwined with his.
He wanted to cry and shout in pain and in happiness. It's a good thing he didn't wake her up, she is sleeping like a rock by his side, too peaceful and beautiful. He held her hand carefully not wanting her to wake up for a while. He enjoyed watching her, her breathing normal and everything seems to be alright.
He lied to his bed again flatly on his back, no longer feeling the tiny pain that he could feel within his torn ligaments. Whatever it is that they did to him, all he cares right now is his wife, here holding his hand, sleeping effortlessly peaceful.
He wanted to talk to her, but not until she wakes up. She looked tired and her eyes were droopy moments ago, figuring that she needs this sleep. He breathe in slowly, loving every minute that he spends with her. He is hoping that she won't leave him again, and he would need to apologize harder this time and do anything, everything just to make it up to her. Even if it's his life is on the line, he wouldn't care, just as long as he makes it up to her.
He was rubbing circles and massaging her hand carefully as he could, and then she suddenly stood her head up, her hair messy and adjusted her glasses. Realizing that Levi was already awake, she can't help but blush as he looked at him. She is still not yet used with their former sweet affections towards each other. She saw him holding her hand and feeling his familiar warmth. It's ironically unpleasant to see for her but she feels that she has longed for this, and is still denying that she wanted this.
Slowly, she crept her hands away from his grip. Levi was actually waiting for her to say something but he was surprised that she removed her hand from his in the process. His eyes immediately made its way towards Hanji's face, asking for her to be back to him again.
He silently hoped that she would speak, and she did, making him sighed in relief.
"How are you feeling?" her tone was sad and low, and she's staring at the floor as she sat.
He gulped. He wish he could talk like now and ask for forgiveness and explain all the shit he needed to say to her. First though, he needed to answer her question. "I feel okay, though I feel that my wrecked arm and leg are a bit heavy than usual." He tried to touch his other arm, but it was only a couple of cloth was the only ones that he was able to touch and linger in his fingertips, still blinded by what had really happen. "Do you know what they did to me?" Levi faced her, hoping for a reply but she only smiled at him lightly, making him feel comfortable again.
"I do. Do you feel any pain?"
"A bit, yeah."
"I see."
Levi can completely tell she's intense as he is, and the silence is really unbearable and new to them.
"May I know what are all these all about?" he asked again, he's dying to know and he can't completely still feel his self without gaining a bit of pain when he moved.
Hanji let out a small giggle and sat beside him in his bed, slowly grabbing his right arm and lifting it, placing it to her stomach, as if she didn't want him to let go and just hold on to her. Moments ago she didn't like seeing him touch her hand and now she is the one who's making the move again, and it's making her head pound in pain and in confusion. She took a quick glance at him and he could swear that she smiled, but he is sure too that she is trembling. Levi calmed down and felt better when Hanji started to hold his hand and made out little shapes on it by her fingers. He really missed her a lot. He closed his eyes in contentment but is still eager to start a good conversation with her.
"Are you alright? You're trembling like hell, what's wrong?" There he is again. He wanted to talk nicely to her, scared that he might destroy the fuck out again.
"It's nothing. I didn't…. I thought…" she exhaled and stopped tracing his hand, making him open his eyes in a heartbeat.
"You thought what?"
"Nothing." She muttered.
He didn't want to force her to say it if she doesn't want to, they might just argue again and he is scared to lose her all over again too.
"You'll be able to open your gifts on Wednesday next week." She spoke.
"Gift? What gift? And why would I even have some shitty gift?" he realized that he chose the wrong words again and mumbled, "I'm sorry."
Hanji lightly smiled and caressed his hand again, "don't apologize. That's the way you talk anyway" he doesn't know if it's a good response or not, making him feel that she just got used to it or she adored the way he talks dirty and shit.
"Well, the gift you're to open is those pieces of cloth and bandages that lingers on your arm and leg."
He raised a brow in question.
Hanji giggled slightly low, knowing that he still doesn't know what she was saying. "You just wait Levi, and you can open them on after two days."
"On Wednesday next week?"
"Yeah."
"Why not now then?"
"They are still not yet ready to open." He pouted secretly as he loses his patience.
"You know what's on that day, don't you?"
He tried to think, and nothing came to his mind. But he is indeed wondering why they are having such a pleasant conversation all of a sudden, has she forgave him already?
When he didn't respond, Hanji sighed, couldn't believe that he has forgotten already. "It's the date when you proposed to me, stupid" and she poked his rib.
"Really?"
"Yeah, and I can't believe you just forgot about that." She sighed again and Levi felt a complete asshole. How could he have forgotten such memorable thing between them?
"I'm sorry…" he apologized and looked away, realizing that he is an utter failure for being a husband to her.
She smiled but he didn't saw it, feeling humiliated by his stupidity. She hugged him by his neck, careful not to bump any of his parts that just came out fresh from a surgery. Her chin rested perfectly on his shoulder, nose nuzzling his cheek as hands glued on his neck. His remaining hand in response caressed her waist to her back, making her feel him again. She didn't talk, and so as Levi but felt each other's warm body to each other. She placed her weight on his upper body as she didn't break the embrace, careful not to press him hard on the bed. After what seemed like an hour, thinking she might have fallen asleep in his embrace which he longed for endless nights, she whispered on his ear, waking him up from the sleepiness that he is also feeling already.
"I'm sorry I left you, Levi" she didn't cried but tightened her embrace on his neck. She blurted it out, slipped and she wanted to punch her own face. Some intelligent human being she is, not having enough will to control her own tongue but somehow, hoping she means it any sort of way.
He didn't know what to say but he is sure that she shouldn't be saying those words. His nose traveled through her hair and cheek, nuzzling her slowly as she embraces him tighter. He wished he could return the same amount of gesture and affection towards her, but every move of his newly surgical parts are making him feel like hell.
"I miss you Levi" she continued. She didn't know where she got all the strength to say those words, but she wanted to tell him how she really feels deep inside. "I don't know what you did, or what happened, but I swear I'd try to forget." She shut her eyes tightly, trying not to see the same haunting images of Levi and Petra again.
"I should be the one who's asking for forgiveness, not you stupid." Hanji stood by her palms and faced him, their face only inches apart.
"But I left you?"
"And I hurt you." He managed a smirk to reassure her when her smile turned into a sad one. "I've caused you too much pain despite how you… cared for me and shit. You didn't even gave up on me." Her eyes drop towards his chest, and she could swear she will cry anytime now.
"Because I'm your shitty wife and I am bound to do that to you, you sexy ass." And she beamed at him. His hand made its way towards her hair, curling some that has been lying in front of her eyes then went to caress her cheek.
"So, what about it? I know it's pointless to ask for forgiveness from you, but I am certain that nothing will ever change how I fucking feel about you." He's having a hard time explaining and asking for another chance, she can sense it. His hand is shaking on her hair and head. His voice may be softer and more sincere, and she knows that he is sorry indeed.
"But I left you. It's not a good wifey thing to do" She closed her eyes in contentment embraced him again.
"And cheating and saying those words is not even a good husband thing to do to a wife like you, Shitty Glasses." She smiled in her embrace, squirming to his chest as she heard the same familiar name.
"I miss that shitty nickname."
"And I miss you"
She lifted herself again, enough to see his entire face, inches closer than before. "I don't want you to mention anything about that, about what had happened, because it won't help me forget, but it'll make me remember." And she stood still to his side again, no longer looking at him nor touching him. Her eyes were a bit sad, hurt and a little irritated, as he could see it. She's really trying her best to forget it but if she would be honest, she hadn't forgotten any single bit of it and still, she can feel the pain whenever it crosses her mind.
"I still want to say sorry, way beyond sorry or the greatest fucking sorry that there is." It greatly saddened him to know that she still remembers, he has a feeling that they needed to talk about it but he is sure it'll just break her heart.
"I'll go get some food. I'm sure you're hungry" she didn't answer and immediately walked out of the room. Levi sighed, he is sure she's not yet totally have forgiven him, not knowing if Hanji has already accepted his apology too.
After a few minutes, Hanji came back with lots of food on the plate, mostly veggies and meat. That's when Levi realized that his stomach is grumbling of hunger already. He didn't even knew how the long the surgery took, and seeing what Hanji brought made his mouth water like shit.
"Here, eat." Hanji speared some chunk of meat and fed it to Levi. It's a good thing his slightly sitted, not totally flat on his back anymore and he can eat properly. He chewed it fast, and Hanji took another set of veggies and had him eat it. "You need protein so your muscles will gain back and heal faster, while the vegetables here will provide you the nutrients you need."
"You sound like a doctor"
"Hmm… " a small smile crept on her face.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"Not much. I had dinner before I slept here…"
"We can share." And he wished that she would, it's really nice when they eat together and she tries to bite his food. But that thought doesn't seem likely may come true tonight.
"No, you need this so you can recover immediately." Her voice is serious, but she does take a few glances at him whenever she will place the fork with food on his mouth. He thinks it's a good sign, that she can look at him a lot way more than he could even think. When they were done, Hanji placed the plate on the nearby table and rested her head on his bedside again.
"I feel tired"
"I bet you are. Go rest" and he pats her head, tug her hair with his still perfect right hand. He wanted to talk to her about the books that he have read and share their thoughts together, but he wanted her to rest for a while. Besides, having her by his side is just a miracle thing to happen to him.
He can't believe that she's here, back to him, trying to fix everything between them again. Once he recovers, he vows to make it up to her, no matter what.
-x-
Guest: Thank you so much! :) Really appreciated :D
bomberman4242: what's 360 no scope? O.O
shittylittletea: hehe I dunno, I just like Levi being tortured physically a bit since he is always seen being too strong and shit. Hehe, I always wanted to see Hanji break down a bit since she is emotionally strong so yeah :)
thanks for the follows and favorites!
shittylittletea
renting
frustratedwriter
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