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Chapter 13: A Moment
After the intense interview and the news from Kingsley Shacklebolt about the Selly Oaks evaluation for her condition Hermione was quiet relieved to be left alone in the Library with her book. Not that the troubled young witch had read much of text anyway. Hermione had needed some quiet time after all the early morning hijinks. She had been seriously rattled by the focus on her, as she really did not like being the centre of attention.
The young witch was using the count method to control her pain. She was counting on her breaths in and counting on her exhalations. Hermione was counting the seconds on the clock of the library fireplace. She could hear the ticking. One tick of the clock hand was the measurement of a second, one count and one more moment she had endured. Hermione was so determined to not let her pain and injuries defeat her. The girl felt that she just had to endure as there was no option for her as she could not give up her parents' memory and their love and devotion to her meant that she had to continue. Hermione needed to work hard to demonstrate her potential and by doing so she would be demonstrating her parents' memory through the attainment of successful achievement.
What did Hermione want to do with her life? What life would she have? What life could she have? Thankfully Hermione was no longer trapped on a bed but she still needed the assistance of others for routine tasks. It was so embarrassing that she needed others to assist her with her basic bodily functions. Hermione was very glad that she did not have to have a catheter or a bag as she had some control over the automatic bodily muscle functions although the young woman still needed the assistance to access and supervise her personal care. Hermione was dependent on someone else if she wanted something as basic as wanting to go to the toilet.
What she could not stand and what made her nerves grate were the looks of pity and the fear of others. The curly haired witch was not a Legilimens but she could read the expressions of some and it was clearly read from their facial expressions and attitudes if it was them who were in her situation they would top themselves.
Hermione was glad that the Order of Phoenix had moved her from St Mungo's back to Hogwarts Infirmary after the first night post the Battle of Hogwarts because she wondered how many would taken the opportunity to attempt to visit her. As a so called public figure Hermione Granger could have become the cheap thrill to view of a comatose heroine or would it been a chance for some of the wizarding community such as the Pureblood Supremacists to laugh at her misfortune.
It bothered Hermione that Harry blamed himself for her situation and their other so-called best friend, Ron, was no-where to be seen. After the abandonment in the Forest of Dean the intelligent witch had only tolerated Ron for Harry's sake but now she felt in the aftermath of the Battle of Hogwarts that Ronald Bilius Weasley was finally showing his true colours to Harry and her. Hermione wondered about the prick had he just used her to ensure he passed his classes in school and to keep Harry sweet. How could the youngest male Weasley be so manipulative could he really be that snake like to be a viper stealing their warmth?
Of course he could Hermione reasoned as Ron had the Twins as brothers and they were certainly devious but that was for pranks and tricks. At least with the Twins there were aware of the individual's feelings and never really belittled anyone just cause it made them feel better. Count and count again breathe and breathe through the pain. Must not cry! Must not cry and again clench the teeth as the whole back spasmed. Count! Count I will get through this Hermione kept telling herself, on a mental recorded loop.
So I am going to become the lonely old spinster aunt just like my horrible second cousin Kimberly taunted me about all those years ago. I certainly am not attractive with my wild hair, my lack of physical attractiveness and now I have more scars and craptastic legs. It was highly unlikely according to Poppy that between the Dobolov injury and this latest one that I would be able to have a successful pregnancy especially with my family history. No man wants a wife who knows from the start she cannot give him children. Now with her injuries she would be a burden and she most certainly did not want to be that.
Hermione was worried that if she was a burden her friendship with people like Harry would sour and she lose what joy she had left in her life. Harry would always be a friend and she felt brotherly love for him as her best friend and her first friend. Hermione had realized that Harry loved her like a sister and he would never be attracted to her that way in their second year. Her friendship with Viktor Krum was that just of friendship nothing more than company. The Bulgarian wizard was not interested in her romantically and now Hermione would never be a suitable wife for him as he had the family responsibility to carry on the line.
No Hermione was going to be a spinster as there was no way someone would fall in love with her and marry her if she could not give them children. So the grieving witch believed that she had to accept that she would never have that type of love or be able to hold her own children in her arms. She would be able to comfort other children and be a great honorary aunt but she had wanted her own child. Hermione had wanted the romantic love to conceive a child with a lover. With the thoughts about not being able to have children and the loneliness that appeared to be her own future the pain increased and some tears quietly tracked down her face. The pain stricken witch mourned the loss of those dreams from her potential reality. She had paid a high price for standing up with her friend against a monstrous evil. Hermione quickly brushed the tears off her cheeks and took deep breaths to stop the tears. The troubled witch needed to hide the evidence that she had been upset.
Looking in on Hermione Granger you would see her nibbling her lip reading the book she had in her lap. Keep on keeping up the pretence. Nope I am not going to let myself be a victim. I am going to fix this where and how I can but first I need to get a clearer picture of what are my capabilities and then work to find solutions to the issues I will encounter. I will need to have a suitable home and an adapted car cause it will be hard to apparate in a wheel chair. Could it even be done?
My Life is going to achieve something she thought forgetting about how much she had already achieved. Like many overachievers Hermione Granger failed to identify her achievement when she made it. She was always looking for the next goal the next way she could prove herself even though she had proven herself many times over. It seemed that she only felt validated when she was working towards achieving a goal. The achievement of the goal did not bring her the satisfaction or self-awareness that she had completed and achieved her goal.
So lets find some solutions to my need to protect myself better. I need to develop better mind skills. I need to control my temper better cause that will make it easier for my enemies to attack me. How do I project Serenity? How do I protect my personal life? Gods I am going to have to learn to accept the staring eyes and the poorly concealed gossips like Lavender Brown.
It was while she was thinking about a solution and attempting to develop a plan Tonks with little Teddy joined her when pink haired witch brought lunch into the Library.
"You know you don't have to do everything alone," advised the Auror after observing Hermione's level of distraction.
"I know Dora but I have to work out how I am going to do it. I cannot be reliant on everyone all the time. Like Teddy I need to learn how to become independent. Eventually he will start crawling then he will start pulling himself up on the furniture. Then it will be walking round furniture and eventually he will be walking and jumping. For me right now I have gone back to the baby in arms stage but my mind is the adult. I have to learn how to cope how to adapt so I am able to be independent. I won't be able to accept my limitations unless I know I have pushed the boundaries as far as I can go. I need to know how much is too much for me," explained the despondent girl.
"Just remember love, that your family of friends will always be there and want to help you find that boundary. We all love you and we want to help. Don't shut us out we want to be with you to help you with this journey this challenge. We want to be part of your life. We all owe you a great debt. Teddy would not have his parents without the actions you did that night. Many of us owe you our lives. So please love let us be a part of your life," the pink haired woman explained to the younger witch.