Chapter 13
A/N: In this chapter Christian is going to speak very candidly with his psychiatrist, if you can't handle that skip this chapter.
Now to some housekeeping, I moderate guest reviews. I will no longer accept any guest reviews that target another reviewer. I am not going to allow the review page of my story to become the 8th grade lunch room with supposedly grown women bullying and attacking one another. If you have an issue with what a reviewer has written PM them or me to express your feelings, but I will not allow a WWE style free-for-all, not MY style. I expect all of us to behave like the grown people we profess to be. My frustration is greater than yours with hateful reviewers, and reviewers that obviously read a different story and leave scathing statements that make no sense. It is, after all, my work that they rip to shreds with their sharp, nasty talons. But a very wise reader tapped me on my cyber shoulder and said I was giving them just what they wanted every time I rose to their taunts, how am I doing Snoop? So I am asking those of you who enjoy this story to make this the 'Grown & Sexy' zone. A place for enjoyment, and the free exchange of ideas and feelings, even dissenting ones, done in a mature and respectful manner. In the words of the late Rodney King, "Can we all get along?"
oo0oo
Narration: Christian and Flynn sit down to dissect Christian's recent behavior. They talk about the why's and how' of his marriage and affair. What he's feeling now and his goals for the future. Ana and Kate have a 'come to Jesus' of their own.
Sunday, After the Fall
Dr. Flynn
As I drive past the front of Escala I notice the small army of paparazzi gathered waiting for a glimpse of Seattle's resident bad boy, gone good, gone bad again. Must be a slow news day because there are satellite news trucks from several major cable stations added in the mix. I see one of Christian's security team waving me into the garage. Once in the garage he shows me which of Christian's multiple parking bays I can use. These guys will, for sure, earn their keep for the foreseeable future. He waits for me to park and escorts me to the penthouse. The elevator opens onto his private foyer, and Taylor is there waiting to welcome me to Christian's mausoleum in the sky; I guess it's all the white stone.
"This way Dr. Flynn," He extends an arm toward the entry.
Taylor ushers me through the apartment straight to Christian's office. He sits behind his huge desk, looking anything but the master of his universe. Though he is not disheveled or unkempt, he is certainly unsettled, verging on adrift, lost.
Upon seeing his face I am immediately concerned, but I have to remain professional if we are to have a productive session. So I arrange my expression to something that I hope is cheeky, and brightly greet him with….
"Good evening Christian, what shall we talk about tonight?"
He stares for a beat, a scowl in place, "John," is all he mutters with a nod, throwing his hand toward a seating group in his well appointed study. As I take my seat on his brown leather sofa I notice an absolutely arresting portrait of Ana smiling across from his desk. He tracks my line of sight, his eyes landing on the picture also, and gives a barely perceptible little gasp that I would have missed had I not been so keen to his body language. It seems to rock him, dropping him into his seat adjacent to mine.
"I was hoping we could talk man-to-man, you know, as friends," He says kind of sheepishly.
"I thought you were looking to have more of a doctor/patient session, but I would be more than happy to talk on a more casual note after we get through some things first. So let's get started shall we?" I say pulling out my tablet, getting more comfortable in my seat.
"Taylor just sent Wilson to collect our dinners, I ordered from Rock Creek Seafood & Spirits, I hope you like it."
"Splendid," I offer, "Why don't you give me the nickel tour while we wait," Still watching his body language, as it will further unveil his true mood.
"John, you've been here before, what do you want to see?" He asks rising from his chair. Irritation evident, he is clearly uncomfortable with the idea of showing me around the penthouse.
"Oh, I don't know, have you changed anything?" I rebut, pushing him.
He gestures for me to follow him. We end up in a room upstairs that is under lock and key. I've seen it before, his famed playroom. Flicking the light switch he steps back and lets me precede him, though the furniture looks the same as I remember the room as a different feel, something softer not so cold or menacing. I take notice that he does not enter the room, but hangs back at the threshold. I'm just about to comment on the different atmosphere when he interrupts my thoughts.
"I'm selling, I decided about an hour ago."
I let surprise color my expression. "Why now?" I am extremely interested in his answer. A shrug of the shoulders in the only response I get, as he shoves off the door frame.
"The place doesn't hold the same appeal as it once did." He finally responds as we stand in front of the spectacular view of Seattle this place affords.
The elevator dings at that moment. The dinner bell, I chuckle to myself. I am surprised when Christian plates the meal, pours the wine, and gives me the choice of dining in the kitchen or at the dining room table. I opt for the dining room, when will I get the chance again?
Dinner is pleasant and delicious. We manage to keep to easy topics, the stock market, his opinion on the Richard Sherman blow up, how the Seahawks' dominated in the Super Bowl and their chances of going again next year, and of course the Mariner's. American 'guy' talk at its best.
We head toward his study to start our session, but he stops midway and decides he would prefer to talk in the great room. Taking seats adjacent to one another he is facing the windows and the glittering lights of Seattle below. Realizing I've left my tablet in the study I make to get up to retrieve it when he halts me, then speaks into the air asking Wilson if he will bring the tablet to the great room. Moments later Wilson enters with tablet in hand. He then instructs Wilson to make this room 'dark'. I think to myself the room is dark enough with just the one side lamp on, but when the lighting doesn't change once we begin talking it dawns on me that he meant the monitors and sound in the security office.
"What I want to know first Christian, is what are you feeling? Can you describe your emotional state?"
"Ashamed, utterly and profoundly ashamed, angry, stupid, scared," His gaze unblinkingly stares into the evening sky.
"Why are you ashamed?"
"What do you mean why? You know why." I've got to get him to say it.
"Can you sum it up for me again?" His gaze is murderous.
"Because I hurt my wife, and my son."
"What did you do that hurt your wife and son?
"What are you trying to get me to say John? You know all of this, what are you after? He roars.
"Your admission," I state calmly. The look on his face is complete fuming confusion. "You need to be able to express what you've done, not just the results of it. You need to name it, look at it, and examine its ugly consequences."
It is amazing the expression his eyes hold. I see the moment that clarity over takes him.
"I betrayed my wife with another woman." The words actually choke him; he has to clear his throat to stop the crack in his voice. I believe this may be the first time he has vocalized those words.
"I had to do some research on infidelity to prepare for our discussion. As I told you, I am not a marriage counselor, but what I found was fascinating. Before I forget, I would like to see you and Ana in a joint session some time soon. Do you think you can arrange that?"
"I'll try; I can't promise Ana will be receptive."
"Fair enough," I acknowledge. "She more than likely is not ready to hear a bunch of meaningless apologies from you."
"They're not meaningless, I really am sorry."
I regard him intently for a moment. "I can almost guarantee that she'll want to know where all this heartfelt thoughtfulness was when you were deep in your mistress." I pause and let that soak in. "A spouse's unfaithfulness is one of the most painful experiences anyone will go through in life; some liken it to the sudden death of a loved one. The cheated on spouse feels betrayed, used, abandoned, hurt and very angry when they discover that their spouse has been unfaithful. After all, an affair is hatched with full knowledge of how much pain it will inflict on an unsuspecting spouse after it's discovered. It reflects a wanton disregard for the feelings of someone that was supposed to have been cherished and protected for life." He is hanging on every word. "And we both know that Anastasia had some insecurity about not being able to hold your interest, and now you have validated that fear." His hands plow through his perpetually mussed hair as he tips his head back in frustration; I watch his Adam's apple jump. We sit in silence, each of us ruminating on everything I just said.
"You might be surprised at the amount of study that has been conducted in the area of infidelity." I move on. "Why were you unfaithful to your wife, Christian?"
That propels him off the couch and across to the wall of windows; he stands before the window arms crossed against his chest, lost in the torment he has brought on himself.
"The short answer is I liked the way that Paige made me feel." Though he hasn't turned from the window and his timbre is low I can hear him just fine and wait a stretch for him to continue. "I realize now, looking back, that I behaved immaturely, not like a grown man, but like a teenage boy."
"And the long answer." I prod when nothing else comes forward. Issuing a long, shaky sigh he finally turns from the window, though he makes no attempt to retake his seat.
"I believed Ana stopped loving me. Our marriage was in a bad place and I didn't know what to do. I walked around bewildered and terrified for months. Ana had become very shy with me after she delivered Ted. She wouldn't undress in front of me, would race to the bathroom and jump in the tub under the bubbles when she would bathe with me, and absolutely refused to shower with me anymore."
He finally takes his seat. " I didn't have to ask, I pretty much guessed that she was having some body image issues because of her tiny little, cute as fuck pudge, and the barely there surgical scar. No matter what I did I couldn't get it right. If I told her that, her body was perfect, I was a liar. If I tried to kiss the scar or run my hands along her belly to let her know that didn't matter to me, she would tense or flinch, and pull away from me. I tried to tell her that she would lose the pouch, and to look at it as a badge of honor, because she cradled life there, all she heard was that I said she had a pouch, and I was an insensitive jerk." He shakes his head bitterly. "Things got worse from there. I was an asshole; I reverted back to burying myself in work. I've been in enough therapy to know that being cold and distant toward her was a defense mechanism, at the time I didn't see it that way. I thought my feelings for her had changed, but John I can't go into all of that right now, I'm spent." His gaze is weary.
I nod. "Very well, you've had a long and eventful day. Can I ask you how the meeting with Paige went?
"It went great," he replies with a scowl as he lets out a deep sigh. "I found out what I wanted to know, and cut her out of my life. She left here looking like she had been bitch slapped."
"What did you want to know?" I'm pretty sure this is about the BDSM he says she took to so eagerly.
"Exactly who introduced her to the lifestyle; I became suspicious that she may have been planted by Elena."
"What did you uncover, who was it?"
"Leila fucking Williams," He spits, disgusted. "She set it up so that fucking bitch would come here and hunt me John, and I took the bait; fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I feel like a first class fool." I let a whistle slip through my teeth.
"Leila!" My eyes popping from my skull, "Shit, I didn't see that coming." My professional mask slips momentarily; then I become alarmed as her psychological history returns to me.
"Christian, I strongly recommend beefing up security; did she actually say that Leila sent her to hunt you down? No one wants a repeat of that horrible incident at Ana's old apartment." I say, the concern evident in my voice now that Leila may be back in the picture.
"We are putting things in place to help mitigate that possibility. I don't know what Paige's frame of mind is though; she appeared to be shell shocked when Taylor escorted her out of here a few hours ago. She is aggressive, before this afternoon, I would have said unapologetic, but she was pleading by the end of our meeting. According to Paige, Leila never told her my name, only a physical description, and a glowing recollection on what it was like to be my submissive, so I can't say if this was an actual plan. Needless to say, at this point, I don't believe a word that comes out her mouth." This has him agitated again.
"Final question for our session, what is your goal, I mean regarding your marriage?"
"I want to save my marriage, take away the pain that I caused my wife. I want to make this right. I did this. I broke us. I desperately want the chance to fix it." This is the first time this evening I hear real energy in his voice, besides angry shouting.
"We have a lot of work ahead of us then. We'll keep the appointment for tomorrow in place. "Whadya say to a beer and a game of billiards?"
"You're on." A sly smile in place on his face, Christian is one of the cockiest people I have ever met. I am going to thoroughly enjoy kicking his ass.
oo0oo
Christian
I feel like smiling for the first time all day. I am surprisingly excited to be doing a regular 'guy thing'. I show John to the library and run to my office to get the file I created from Welch's report. I grab two beers from the fridge on my way back to the library. He is scanning some of the books that Ana and I have collected over the years.
"This collection is amazing. I was hoping to see the mint condition, 1st edition of Tess of the d'Urbervilles' that you gave to Ana that started all of this." He looks slightly disappointed.
"They are on display in the library at Grey Meadow."
"Here, why don't you look this over while I set up the table," I hand him the file on Paige's juvenile criminal escapades once he tears himself from the shelves. A few minutes later, I hear another sliding whistle let loose from John. Is he impressed or shocked, I can't tell.
"She must give one hell of a blow job." He mutters under his breath.
"Would you care to repeat that?" I ask, letting him know I heard exactly what he said. "That was tacky and crass John."
"Three words for you Christian,…Pot. Kettle. Black."
I stare daggers at him but graciously give him the opportunity to break but he defers to me and I shrug my shoulders and mutter, "It's your funeral." I spy a sneaky smile slide across his face while he leafs through the file.
"From what you've read there would you classify her as a sociopath?" I ask him as I reach for my favorite cue.
"I couldn't possibly diagnose her from this alone, but from what I've read in this dossier, my educated opinion is, no. She was just a rebellious, hellion of a teenager." He closes the file and is at the cue rack trying to select a cue. When he turns, I am leaned over the table about to break.
"And this is who you chose to tell your wife you were in love with?" Just as I am setting my shot, my arm goes back as the cue slips through my fingers and I don't hit the cue ball as hard as I intended. I see what his game is, and I would give him a smirk if I wasn't so stunned.
"What made you think you were in love with her?" He puts the emphasis on 'what'.
"Well Dr. Flynn, I can honestly tell you that you have a direct hand in my twisted thought process," The look on his face is priceless. "Thanks to your influence, yours and Elena's, that is, maybe the only thing that the two of you ever agreed on."
"Do you care to explain further," His British accent prominent.
"How quickly we forget." He opens his mouth to comment, but I continue and whatever he was about to say dies in his throat. "It was you and Elena that were adamant that I was in love when I told you of the feelings I was having when Ana and I began our journey. Fuck, Flynn, you and I both know emotions aren't my strong point." I walk around the table to get my beer.
"Are you saying that you felt the exact same thing for Paige as you do for Anastasia?"
"No." I frown. "Not exactly the same.
"What was different?" We are both leaning on our cue sticks now.
"With Ana and me, we complete the circuit when we touch, the current runs through us, it's tangible, sometimes like a static shock, like a humming on the skin, warm and lingering. I didn't feel that with Paige. I wasn't as consumed, or as obsessed with Paige as I was with Ana. Ana rocked my world, put me in a tailspin, completely beguiled me, and made feel safe at the same time. There was that excited energy, a zing if you will, my heart rate would quicken when I knew I was going to see Paige, but only with my Ana would the circuit be complete, searing and soothing me simultaneously. But I'm not so out of touch as to believe that I will ever love another the way I love Ana. I don't expect anyone will ever have that kind of effect on me again. That is why I was so terrified and that terror turned to bitterness and anger and that turned to what I thought was apathy, so that when I felt all those stirrings when I met Paige it had an overwhelming effect on me. I knew it was wrong, but I felt excited and alive again, and to be perfectly candid, I didn't want to resist the urge after awhile, especially when BDSM became involved."
"Ah," He leans over the table and pockets one of his balls in a pretty amazing shot. "There was the forbidden factor. You have a strong inclination toward that, as evidenced by your relationship with Elena. I submit that even at fifteen some part of you knew it was forbidden to be with a woman so much older than you. Also the beginning of your relationship with Ana, you knew she was innocent, and inexperienced, and what you wanted to do with her was deviant. And now this thing with Paige, it needed to be kept secret it was illicit so you were drawn to it. Because sharing that secret draws you closer to the person you share the secret with, of all the people in the world this thing between us, we are the only two who know about this."
"I don't know that I like what you just surmised. That makes me sound like I'm still an immature hormonal teenage boy. It makes it sound like something I have no control over and, therefore, will succumb to again. I won't, I know I won't."
"Au contraire mon frère." He counters in an odd mix of British and bad French accent, as he takes the last swig of his beer. "Once you're self-aware, you're not a slave to react to your impulses and urges. You'll be able to recognize it, call it out before it over takes you. Self-awareness is going to be one more tool in your arsenal against self destructive behavior." I think he may be drunk. "You are a grown, intelligent, and supposedly reasonable man, in control and responsible for your own actions. Yet your actions over the last several months have proven you've been anything but in control. I'm going to help you get it back. However, you have to be prepared for an uphill battle in winning back Ana's trust and love. That might not be possible at this point. A lot of damage has already been done, and to top it off, she's been publicly humiliated for the world to see." I nod hesitantly, and let him continue.
"Why didn't you just talk to her, ask her what was going on?" He asks hitching his hip on the side of the pool table the game all but forgotten.
"Because I didn't want to hear her answer, I believed…" I stop speaking and shake my head, "…had totally convinced myself she would tell me she didn't love me anymore. I couldn't risk hearing those words."
"Self fulfilling prophecy Christian, that's what you created." He says, standing to take his final shot. "You're not going to like this, but, in my opinion, Ana should get away from all of this for awhile. When I pulled into the garage the number of paparazzi was outrageous. If it's like this here, I'm sure it's like this at your house on the sound. I'm sure it will be like this at each of your offices. She'll be constantly hounded. That puts her and Teddy in danger."
"Well, you've got that right; I don't like it!" I retort angrily. "Ana and Teddy will be safest close to home, where our security is most effective."
"And where you can keep tabs on her," It's not a question.
"Good night John, are you ok to drive? I can have Wilson take you home."
"I'm not even close to being impaired; I don't even have a buzz. Except the one I got from kicking your butt at billiards." There's that shit eating grin again.
I walk him to the elevator after grabbing his tablet and suit jacket. "Tomorrow, John."
"Tomorrow, Christian, 9 o'clock sharp," I turn before the elevator doors slide shut. Finding Wilson in the security office, I tell him to inform Taylor I will be ready to leave for Grey Meadow in 30 minutes.
oo0oo
Earlier at Kate & Elliot's
Ana
I've been dreading and avoiding this conversation all morning. Kate and I have been dancing around the issue just making polite noises at each other, watching Melissa Harris Perry ( I love her show), nursing hang-over's, and playing with the kids until the seamstress and her team arrived to assure we would stay in our dresses, but the time has come, as I am tired of thinking about this shit.
We are in the family room that we used as a make shift dressing room for our final fittings for our Coping Together gowns.
"Kate," I try to get her full attention. "We have to discuss what you did yesterday….I am pissed beyond words that you would let me be blindsided in that way."
"I know Steele, I am really sorry. I apologize."
"I accept your apology, but that is not going to stop me from saying what needs to be said. I'm not going to belabor the point, but you need to hear this." I stop talking until she gives me a tiny nod.
"You are going to stop treating me like a child. I am an adult with a child and troubled marriage of my own. I don't need nor do I want you making those kinds of decisions for me. The kindest thing you could and should have done was to give me the information you had and let me make my own decision. BBQ be damned. I'm not going to get into a lot of 'what if's' but you left me wide open for more humiliation than I am already experiencing. Friends don't do that to one another, cheating asshole husbands do."
"Ana you're right, I used extremely poor judgment." Contrite Kate is a novelty. "My only intention was to give you a break, a little fun as a form of diversion from the events of the past week."
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions Katherine. You don't get to make those choices for me; I will decide what is and what isn't good for me." I'm not ready to let her off the hook just yet. "Your stunt yesterday has landed you in the same column as Christian with his controlling ways. Every time he's withheld information, or manipulated a situation, it's been under the guise of protecting me or shielding me from worry. I am not as fragile or naïve as you and Christian seem to think I am, or more to the point, want me to be. This is the last time I'm having this conversation with you, understand." Kate's impression of a dying gold fish is comical and satisfying. "Come on, let's figure out what we're having for dinner, Attila,"
oo0oo
Eternal thanks to fungirlygirl.
While reading over some older reviews Luvfiftyshades made the remark about taking the bait, hook, line and sinker and it has found its way into this chapter. Thanks Mama!
Some of the information on infidelity taken from 'Marriage Builders: Coping with Infidelity, Dr. Harley'
All previous disclaimers apply.