(Chapter song: Craig Owens - Bibles and Badges)

Dan was forced to spend a week in that god-forsaken hospital under a psychiatric hold, an entire week. More then anything he was ready to get out, no matter what that entailed. When they were finally informed that Dan would be able to be discharged the next day after a finial examination, he was nothing less of overjoyed.

He'd convinced the Doctors that he wasn't going to do try anything when he got out so they agreed that he could leave under one condition, he would go to therapy once a week for 3 months. This was going to be fun, therapist had always scared the daylights out of him and then there was the obvious problem he had talking about what was wrong with him.

To be fair, Phil might have helped too.

He told the Doctors earlier that he would look out for him because, "Dan's life means more to me than my own." This brought Dan to tears. Luckily he was pretending to be asleep so that he could listen in which also made it easy to hide the tears streaming onto his pillow. He was so happy he just couldn't contain himself, but he still somehow managed to remain silent.

At the same time, hearing Phil say this made him feel ashamed. Ashamed that he had let himself get this bad, that he hadn't tried to ask Phil for help before making the final decision to end it all. He wasn't going to admit this to anybody, even himself, but there was still a part of him that did not regret what he had attempted, which was absolutely horrifying.

Phil was there, day and night, giving Dan as much moral support as he could. There was no way that he was going to let Dan slip away from him this time, he promised himself that. Especially not now that they had worked everything out between the two of them, or at least as much as they could at this time. Now that he was no longer hiding the way he truly felt from himself or Dan, there was no way that he would let anything mess what they have up. He also knew that confessing his feelings to Dan wouldn't automatically fix all the broken and battered parts that Dan still had in him, he just hopes that he can make enough of a difference in Dan's life to make it so he doesn't try to do anything like what brought him to this hospital bed again.

It would be such a relief for Dan to be able to go home with Phil and finally escape this horrendous place which he had essentially been kept prisoner in for the last week. They both knew that there had been no possibility of avoiding staying in the hospital, but that didn't make it any less unpleasant.

There was still one thing that Dan was fretting over. The truth. The whole, terrible story coming out into the open when they finally did return home. He had never planned on this, telling someone. He thought that he would take it to the grave and if somebody ever did find out it would be from reading his journal after he was gone. The idea of actually having to tell someone face to face was terrifying. Especially Phil, the person he loves, the one he's kept it from all these years. You'd think that it would make things easier, telling someone you love, but in fact it's much more difficult because if they react badly you have the chance of losing someone you hold dear to your heart.

He had promised to tell Phil everything, but he wasn't sure that he was ready to share all of his secrets. He wasn't even sure how to start this story, where to start, what to leave out, what to describe in detail, if he was supposed to leave nothing out, he wasn't sure of anything. How was he going to explain all the stuff that he's been put through? How would Phil react when he found out? Would he be angry? Sad? Indifferent?

God, I hope he won't be indifferent, that might just break me... Again.

He couldn't sleep on his final night in the hospital, the thought of going home and all the things that came with it weighed heavily on his mind. He spent this sleepless night, one of hundreds if you look back on his life, running through every possible outcome that he could imagine of the conversation looming in his future. Phil angry, sad, indifferent, disgusted, repelled, afraid... He even considered just telling Phil to read his journal then come back to him with whatever questions he may have, but that wouldn't be fair. This is not something that he should have to read about. It's too personal, too intimate, too secret.

There was nothing that he could do to stop his mind from tearing itself apart considering all of his usual options were out and, now that he thought about it, probably would be for a very long time, if not for good.

Damn, why did I have to fuck up again...

Phil had taken to telling Dan "Be strong for me" whenever he could see Dan drifting off into the darker parts of his mind. Whenever Phil wasn't there and his mind started getting to him he would try to remember the look in Phil's eyes and the way his voice sounded when he said it. For whatever reason that seemed to help him.

Too bad he isn't here now... I wish there was something that would make me stop thinking.

But no matter how much that helped he could never quite succeed in snuffing out the embers of his deep seeded depression that burned at the center of his being, nor the thoughts that accompanied it.

So he spent his last night in the hospital sleepless, worrying about everything to come. He made sure to keep his eyes closed and breathing as even as possible to fool the nurses who periodically checked on him. No reason to rise suspicion, especially when he was about to get out.

When morning came at long last he feigned wakening up and greeted the nurse sent to bring him his morning meal and medication. Not long after this his Doctor came in for his final examination (which took much less time than Dan thought it would) and changed the bandages on his arm. He still couldn't look at what he'd done to himself so he proceeded to pretended that there was something very interesting in the corner where the blank, white ceiling met two of the also blank, white walls.

To tell the truth, he had not planned to ever see those wounds healing and it was odd to think that they would. A small part of his still didn't want them to heal. That more defiant part that didn't want to fail at yet another thing, especially when it was something so important.

There was something that he heard in a film once:

"You can never really know what was going through a person's mind at that exact moment. If they survive, they'll never tell you. If they succeed, all you can do is spend the rest of your life feeling guilty."

Now he knew that it wasn't only because he didn't want to divulge what it felt like, but because there was no way that he would ever be able to put into words exactly what he had been feeling in that moment. Or how felt when he woke up alive, when he failed. He could try, he had to try with Phil because he promised, but he knew that there was no way he'd be able to fully explain how it all felt or what it did to him inside.

So how exactly was he going to explain all the things that led him to make what he thought would be his final decision?

He figured he would just have to get it all out, not let Phil stop him no matter what. Because if he did then he would never be able to tell Phil the full truth that he deserved.

"All done, Dan." The Doctor says, pulling Dans eye's away from the corner and his mind back to what was going on.

Dan gives a half-hearted smile, "Thanks," and left it at that.

Just then Phil walks in carrying a neatly folded pile of Dan's favourite clothes, black skinny jeans and a patchwork T-shirt he couldn't quite part with, with a box of Maltesers perched on top.

"Hey, I thought I would bring you a treat since you're finally being let free today," he says with a big smile handing Dan the box while leaning down to lightly press his lips to his forehead.

"Thank you Phil, it's perfect," Dan says catching the nape of Phil's neck with his hand just as Phil is pulling away and bringing him into a soft, but passionate, kiss. They linger for a few seconds and when they pull apart they both have content smiles on their faces.

Whatever Dan had been thinking about got wiped away the moment their lips met and after it was over he was left in a temporary state of bliss.

If only I could just never stop kissing him all my problems could be solved, he thought. But then again, I'd never get anything done..

"So, are you ready to go home love?" Phil asks, taking Dan's hand in his own.

"You have no idea."

The Doctor then speaks up, startling both of them a bit, they'd both kind of forgotten that he was in the room with them, "Well you can leave when you have signed you final papers, I'll just go and fetch them for you."

He turns to walk out but stops at the threshold and turns to look at Phil.

"And Phil?" He says gaining his attention again, "You take care of him, he's very precious."

Phil gives a thoughtful smile, squeezes Dan's hand, and says, "I know, I will. I promise I'll cherish him till the day I die and protect him with my life."

"Good to hear, I'll be right back," The Doctor says and continues into the hall.

There are a few seconds of absolute silence before Phil finally speaks.

"You know," Phil says catching Dan's eye, "I mean it. No matter what, you're perfect to me. I love you. Forever."