AUTHORS NOTE: Ok, big trigger warning on this one.. Dan didn't have the happiest of pasts...

(Chapter song: Screenplay - Someone Else)

When we got home Phil tried to serve me everything, and I do mean everything that I could possibly want. He went out to Tesco and purchased all of my favourite foods and drinks, cleaned the flat, and when we walked by my room just a second ago I think I even saw new carpets.

I have no idea how he managed to get all this done considering he barely ever left my side while I was in the hospital, but he did it.

I interrupt his still continuing list, "Phil," his eyes meet mine, "I- can we go sit down?"

He nods and leads me over to the sofa, never letting go of my hand as if I could slip away from him if he didn't keep hold of me.

We sit down on the sofa together. Phil has still yet to say anything about me telling him my secrets, but I know he will only wait patiently for so long. He must be going through every possible thing that he could think of that I might be going to tell him.

It's better to just get it over with. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

This is going to be one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do and, for me, that's saying a lot. I truly never thought that I would be doing this, I just figured he would find this stuff out when he read my journal after… after I was gone.

'Read the journal' oh how easy that would have made things.

I'll try to start slow, take it from there, from the journal. Ok, breathe.

"Phil, I think that I need to tell you everything. The longer that I wait the harder it will be to tell you." And there goes my heart, how am I going to get through this?

"Ok, take things as slow as you want, we have all the time in the world." He smiles, trying to be reassuring, but instead he just looks scared.

Breathe.

"OK, there have been a lot of things that have contributed to the way I am and I've had a lot of time to think about it. I would try to give you the short version, but I have absolutely no idea how to do that so everything it is. " I need air, who would have thought that this would be so difficult.

"So you read that I have been this way for a long time," He nods his head. "Well it's more like it has always been there. What do you remember about what I've mentioned about my childhood?"

"You haven't said much, mostly things about your grandfather. I know that he was kind to you, you spent as much time with him as you could, he died when you were 13-"

"Twelve actually." I interrupted, "Sorry, go on."

"Ok, 12. He left you a great deal of money, but you could only access it once you turned 18. Your parents weren't there for you much, nor did you care for them much. In all the time I've known you you've never visited or called them. You didn't particularly like school, even though you were clever. You moved out of your parents when you got your inheritance, then went to uni, then we met."

"Ya, so you're right, my grandfather was the best thing that I had in my life. My dad was- real scum and my mum did nothing about it. What I didn't tell you was how, uh...abusive he was?"

Why did that sound like a question? Ok breathe, just breathe. You can do this, you have to. Just get it out there.

"Oh no, he didn't.. I mean didn't sexually abuse you right?"

I let out a sad laugh. You have no idea what is coming.

"No, I was lucky, he didn't. So many have had it worse than me, I feel bad that they can cope with all the stuff that they have been through while I usually can't cope with much of anything. I have gotten pretty good at hiding that fact over the years though, sorry about that by the way. I just found out early that lying about how I was usually turned out better for me than telling people how bad I was.

"Anyways, he was the picture perfect dad from the outside. Everybody adored him, even the other kids. Behind closed doors though... not so much. I tried to tell one of my friends once and they just told me that I much be overacting because I had the "coolest dad." I didn't really try to tell anybody after that, I just figured that they wouldn't believe me."

Phil puts his had on my knee, I must have stopped talking. Get it together.

"It started with mental abuse, telling me how useless and worthless I was, how I would never amount to anything, that I would be better off dead. Just a bunch of stupid shit like that, but then one day it changed. I was always a bit clumsy, just like I am now I guess, and when I was 8 I tripped and broke this old vase. It was completely an accident and I kept saying that I was sorry, but he didn't take it well. He yelled at me them threw the broken shards at me till my arms were bleeding in a dozen different places from me protecting my head. For good measure he kicked me while I was curled into a ball in the corner and called me a coward. That was the first time something like that had happened and for some reason I thought I deserved it, like why would my father do something to me that I didn't deserve? Why would the 'perfect dad' do this unless I made him do it?"

I didn't notice that I was crying till Phil wiped the tears off my cheek. God it is hard to say these things out loud. I wish that I didn't have to.

"How could somebody do that to anybody, let alone their child." Phis said shaking his head. "I'm so sorry Dan, I wish I could take that away. If you want to stop you can, I understand. I want to know what happened so that I can try to help you better, but I get it if you need to take a break at any point."

I sniff, wipe try my best to wipe all the tears away, take a beep breath, and continue.

"No, it's better that I get it all out now, if I don't do it now, I don't know I'll be able to later." Phil nods and whispers 'ok' to me.

"He didn't say anything about it or apologize, neither did my mum. He didn't do anything like that again till I was twelve, a few months before my grandfather died. He came home one night stinking drunk and started laying into me, he was just the normal till all of a sudden he hauls me to my feet and begins hitting my face, over and over."

I pause and tremble, I can't believe this is still so difficult to think about. How the hell am I going to be able to tell him this whole story considering everything else…

"T-then he trows me toward our coffee table and I remember feeling a sharp pain in my head and then everything went black. I woke up later with a terrible headache and cut on the back of my head."

Oh god, how am I going to do this? My shaking hands find their way to my eyes and I burry my palms in them, "I need a second," I whisper trying to calm myself down, I don't need to be thrown into a panic attack. I don't even know if Phil hears me or not, but I feel him wrap his arm around my back trying to comfort me.

"Dan I am so sorry you had to go through that. If I could I would strangle that guy. How could he do that!" He brings my hands away from my face and gently pulls me fully into his embrace, I burry my head into he shoulders and try to just breathe.

"It's okay Dan, I'm here for you now, I'll always be here. I'll keep you safe, I promise."

"You know what the worst part was?" I started sobbing, "He n-never once said that he was sorry and my mum never said anything to me either. Never once. It was like what he did never h-happened. Like it was all just a bad dream, I wished that it was so many times. There were times that I thought that I was insane, that I'd made it all up, then he would say something or do something again and I knew that I hadn't made it up."

We stay in that soft embrace and Phil try's to calm me down while I try to get my breathing even.

It takes a few tries, but I eventually pull away and say, "I need to get this all over with. I'm sorry that there is so much that I haven't told you, I really didn't think that it would matter to you." He tries to protest, "I know I was wrong about that now, don't worry." I try to give him a reassuring smile and continue.

"So, after that happened my grandfather died and my family found out that he left most of his fortune to me to receive when I turned 18. My family wasn't to happy about that, the mental and physical abuse became worse and I started to truly hate myself. It was around that time that I first had the though of... the possibility of-of ending it all.

"The next moment that really sticks out in my memories happened when I was about to turn 14. My dad just came up to me one day out of nowhere, backhanded me, and said, 'You are so worthless, I wish you had never been born.' "

Breathe. Focus. "That.. really got to me more than anything else for some reason, maybe it was just the last straw, I don't really know. He had been bad for a long time, but never had he said something like that. And I believed him. I knew I was worthless, him telling me just confirmed what I already thought."

"You're not worthless Dan, You're everything to me." Phil says.

"Thank you, it means a lot." I bring my hand to his cheek and kiss his forehead. It really does me everything to me, nobody has said something like that to me and really meant it.

"Anyways," I begin to continue, "and Phil? This is going to be the first of the really difficult ones to hear, okay?"

He nods.

"OK, well, this kinda all kinda culminated the February before my fifteenth birthday. We were on holiday in the county. It was freezing and there was a good two feet of snow on the ground. I went down to the river in the middle of the night and- I tried to drown myself." Phil looks so shocked and hurt, I would've thought that he had guessed that I had tried this before, but apparently not.

"I stopped though because I decided that I needed to at least wait till I had the chance to get away from my parents. I would have to wait till I was eighteen and got my inheritance, which seemed like forever, but I needed to try. Even if it was just to spite them. I came up coughing all the water out, it was so painful, I really had no clue that it would be that bad. It felt like my lungs were on fire and my whole body ached from the cold. After I got out I wandered back up to the house and never told anybody, till now, till you, about what happened that day."

Phil stayed silent for a few seconds like he was trying to wrap his head around what I had just told him. When he finally spoke I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding in.

"Jesus, Dan. It's been this long and you had nobody to talk to? I feel terrible that I wasn't there for you more, I wish that I could take that back. I wish I would have told you how I felt sooner, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have had to suffer through this alone." His face is wet from the silent tears that have been spilling over his face for the last few minutes. It is heartbreaking to see him like this. But I need to continue. There is so much more to this story, to my story.

"I know Phil, I know. The story isn't over yet though. I'm sorry about that, I need to finish this. And I'm sorry, but this isn't the worst thing that has happened to me."

His sadness turns to fear again, he's trying to figure out what could possible be worse. I can almost hear his mind ticking through all the possible things that I could tell him in the coming minutes.

"So after that when I was fifteen, I think you know this part already but for the sake of the story I'll say it again, I had my first 'boyfriend'. This was the guy that.. well you know. He was nice for a while, nobody knew about us, but it was probably better that way. After about six months though he cheated on me, then dumped me. This wasn't really anything that bad, but it sure didn't help my state of mind."

I look down at my still bandaged arm and sigh. So, this part begins.

"When I was sixteen I had started to get panic attacks. Even when I wasn't having one all the memories of the things that happened to me, how I felt about myself, and just my pessimistic view on life in general had begun to overtake my conscious mind. Incase you hadn't guessed I was still suicidal and it took everything I had to convince myself to make it through to the next day. I could never stop thinking and it made me feel insane till one night when it was really bad I grabbed my pocket knife and pushed it to my wrist till it began to bleed. My mind stopped racing and just focused on the physical pain."

This is too much, he shouldn't have to deal with this... why am I such a fuck-up? I absentmindedly rub at my bandages, there's still that familiar dull pain that you get with healing wounds. I wonder how long that will last considering how deep I went...

"It was so... freeing, I could just not think and that was the best thing that had happened to me in a very long time. I remember looking at it after and thinking, 'ya, this is how I feel.' It was something that I could look at and physically see how I was feeling. I could see that I was broken and weak, that I was nothing of any real importance. All these feeling were no longer just in my head, they were right there in front of me written into my skin. I knew that I shouldn't be doing it, I just didn't care because the physical pain numbed the emotional pain and there was nobody that cared so it didn't matter. I purchased a pack of 100 razors from a hardware store as well as a bunch of the most masculine bracelets I could find to cover my wrists a couple of days later. I never moved from my wrist, I wanted it to be easily let hidden from anybody. Though there was no one that cared, I still didn't want the stares or to be sent to the counselor by a teacher or something like that. I found that I didn't need to do it that often, just when things got really bad…"

I look up and notice the look of utter horror on Phil's face and I stop.

"I know that this must be hard to hear, if you want me to stop, or if it is too much just tell me."

Phil nods his head, "It is hard, but I need to- I want to know all of this. I want to be able to help you." he gives me a small sad smile.

"Thanks, this is hard for me too, I never thought that I would be telling anybody these things. Ok, so after that I basically just stayed the same, I graduated, got my inheritance, moved out and began uni in Manchester, where you met me.

"The first semester was fine, but by the second the stress had gotten to me. I started drinking a lot, hurting myself more often, and I got panic attacks more frequently. I had to get that job at the library during the summer that I met you just so I would have something to distract myself with. I read a lot that summer. Things got a little better again when I didn't have school hanging over my head. Then I met you. You were the first person in a long time that had showed any attraction to me. I guess I just rubbed most people the wrong way. You were so sweet, but you left the library without asking my number or anything. Then as you know we met again at that pre-halloween party thing."

"I was so excited when I saw you I could hardly think. It freaked me out a bit." Phil said with a small smile. "I had wanted to get your number when I first met you, I just wasn't ready I guess. You met me in my man-whore stage. Sorry about that by the way."

"Ya, I guess I did." I laugh lightly, "I was stunned when I saw you. I truly never thought that I would see you again. I'm glad I did by the way."

"So am I." He moved his hand to my knee and squeezes in gently, trying to reassure me. "I love you. You can continue whenever you want to."

"I love you too, Phil. What comes next is going to be hard for me to talk about. I just want you to know that I'm so sorry that I never told you anything about it, I really thought that since you didn't notice that you didn't care."

"Dan," He brings his hand to my cheek again, wipes away fresh tears, and looks me in to eyes, "I understand, I promise that I wont be angry with you or anything. I just want to help you. I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you think I didn't care. I did, most of the time I was just scared to show it."

"It's fine, this isn't your fault, I don't know who's fault it is actually because, even to this day. I don't know who the person was." He gives me a confused look. "It will make sense in a moment, I promise. I'm so so sorry Phil. Just give me a second to try and figure out how to get this out…"

How the hell do I explain this? What am I going to do?

"You know everything got better when I met you, for the first time I had a positive outlook on life. I felt like I could and was getting better. Then this fucking shit happened to me." I let my head fall back onto the couch as I cover my face with my hands. "Fuck this is hard. Just thinking about it, its been over four years and I still can't think about it without cringing." I take a deep breath and pull my hands away, but I keep my gaze fixed on the ceiling. I can't look at Phil, I don't want to see the look on his face when he finds out.

Ok, deep breaths, this is something that must to be done. You need to tell him this.

"D- do you remember a couple of months after we got together I just kinda dropped off the face of the map for a few weeks?"

"Ya, I always kinda assumed it was because you thought we had moved too fast and wanted to get some space to think about it. Why? What actually happened?" I can hear the worry in his voice. Shit.

"Well, um.. it was just after finals were over and my dorm was having a party, you were busy with something, I can't really remember what though. I went because I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep with all that music so figured I should just join in. I had a few drinks, nothing much though, and attempted to mingle for a bit. Eventually I just decided that I would be better off alone in my room then out there with all my annoying, drunk dorm-mates. My hall was deserted, it was like one in the morning and basically everybody was still at the party. I got my key out to unlock my door an-and this- guy came up behind me."

Just get this over with. Ok. I have to do this. Breathe.

I run my hands through my hair again gripping it tighter than I should. Phil notices, but let's me continue knowing there isn't much he could do at the moment that he already isn't doing. Fuck this is hard.

"He, uh... pushed me up against the door, put a knife to my throat and t-told me that if I screamed he would cut my throat and to open the door. He pushed me inside and locked the door behind him. It was so dark inside, my mind was going so insane, I thought that he was going to kill me. The thought of me doing it was fine, but somebody else killing me scared me so much for some reason. I know, hypocritical right? Anyways, I'm trying to change the subject... This is really difficult... basically I couldn't think properly, I should have tried something, but I was to scared. I had no idea what I was going to do. I tried to plea with him saying that I had money and he could have whatever he wanted, I wouldn't tell anybody, if he just let me go. He told me that wasn't what he wanted and hit me. I fell to the ground and he took the chance to gag me with a scarf. Then he bound my hands behind my back with some rope and… cut off my shirt and undressed me."

My hands come back to my face, it's wet again. I still can't look at Phil.

"Fuck this is difficult…I-I struggled and screamed the entire time, but no matter what I did he. Just. Kept. Going. I think I made it worse actually, every time I would struggle he would hit me again. I screamed all I could through the gag, but even without one nobody would have fucking heard me, the music was just too damn loud and everybody was too drunk to notice or care at that point. When he finally... finished he got up, put his pants back on, then reached down and pulled my head up by my hair. He.. uh.. h-he whispered in my ear, "Thanks for the good time", dropped my head and he left…"

There is a good the seconds of dead air before Phil is finally able to speak again.

"Da-" Phil starts, but I interrupt him.

"I don't know how long it took me to get out of the bonds, once I did I crawled to the shower and just curled up on the ground as the water fell around me. It got cold before I got the strength to get out. When I did I cleaned the cuts I could reach, curled up in bed, and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I thought that it was just a bad dream for a few seconds, then reality hit me again… I didn't leave my bed that day. The next I found a flat and moved out of the dorms, I couldn't be there anymore given what had just happened. I avoided anybody that I knew and only went out with makeup on. In all truthfulness I was kinda emotionally numb after that first night for about a week. When it hot again I just broke, i have no idea how I didn't die form.. well, you can guess. I didn't, still don't actually, know who the guy was and frankly I just wanted to forget it ever happened. So now you know why I was avoiding you. I'm sorry."

It feels like a wall just broke down and all the emotions and memories that I have been burying all just come pouring out. Phil pulls me into his arms and I just let myself go limp against him.

"Oh god Dan." Phil said pulling one hand away from me and running it through his hair, "I can't believe this, I'm so stupid for not thinking there as anything really wrong. I'm so sorry, I'm so dumb. If you knew who it was I would go kill them right now. Dan, I'm sorry. I'll be here for you forever, I promise. You can tell me everything and anything no matter what it is. I love you. None of this is your fault."

"It's just so hard to deal with all of this. Why do I have to?" I sob into his shoulder. All he does is hold me tight and whisper how much he cares for me, how he'll help me through this, how I'm not alone. "Phil I don't want to have to deal with this anymore, I just don't. I can't."

And there it is, the truth. I still don't want to do this, to live. Just like that damn dream.

Phil's voice snaps me out of my thoughts once again.

"You don't deserve this Dan, any of this. You are nothing but kind. All of this, everything you just told me, it wasn't your fault. And you are so strong for holding on all on your own for this long. I'm here for you. 100% Dan, no matter what it is, you have me. Forever."

"Your forever is all that I need, Phil. Thank you so much. For everything."

It may be a partial lie concidering what my last thought was, but it wasn't entirely a lie. Phil did help, but he was also what was helping me a couple of weeks ago and we know how that turned out...

But still, here, wrapped in the arms of somebody who actually cares, who loves me, I feel like maybe, just maybe I have the slightest chance of making it through everything.

Maybe, but there is always the possibility that I may just be too broken...