NOTE! I went through and changed ALL the chapters A LOT, so if you are getting this as an update, I recommend reading the story over because it has changed a bit.. Thank you!

(Chapter songs: All Time Low - Therapy & Pierce the Veil - Tangled In the Great Escape)

It's been just over two weeks since I got out of the hospital. Therapy is bullshit, I know that it helps some, but I am not one of them. Also the psychiatrist I have tends to be a bit passive aggressive, she is not very good at hiding the fact the she doesn't care about me in the slightest. So, probably needless to say, it tends to just make me feel worse about myself.

Phil has been.. well, for lack of a better word, perfect. When I need space, he gives it to me. When I need comfort, he is there. And when all I want to do is jump, he's there to keep me from falling. I couldn't imagine someone handling all of this better than he is at this moment. I really wish that he didn't have to though, I wish that I wasn't so messed up, he deserves something better than I could ever be. I am trying to work on it. While opening up to the therapist ends up making me feel worse, opening up to Phil helps numb it all a bit. He somehow knows exactly how to react every time I open up to him.

On one particularly bad day when I was hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was breakdown and pull out one of my hidden boxes he came up behind me pulling me into a hug and whispered in my ear, "I can see you choke, Dan, and it takes my breath away. Please, you don't have to hide it from me. I know it's hard, I know that you are in pain, but please hold on for me. You are my everything, the only thing I'll ever want. I love you. I wish that there was some way that I could show you just how much I love you. It really is amazing to me just how gracious you are. I know you don't believe it, but, to me, you are absolutely perfect."

When he finished I turned myself around and just told him all the thing that my mind was throwing at me, everything. Well almost everything, I didn't tell him that there was still a box concealing my old companions hidden in the flat, I couldn't tell him that.. Through it all he just held me and listened, nothing more, and that was exactly what I needed at the time. After I stopped crying he looked at me and simply said, "Forever Dan, I will love you forever. No matter what. Thank you for loving me, I cherish you love more than anything. And I promise you that someday we will look around and be able to tell ourselves, "oh my god, this is paradise." Till then, I will be here with you working towards that."

I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that, there were not words to describe just how safe he made me feel. In that moment I had no idea how I was ever going to reach the point he was taking about, but I actually wanted to. This ended up just making me feel worse because I still hadn't told him about those hidden- things, but no matter how much I felt like I should or how much I wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Other than that, my time with Phil has been filled with him taking me out on dates, cooking for me-which sometimes ends up in the entire kitchen being covered in whatever he was attempting to make-, and us cuddling and watching films together.

He did this thing whenever we were cuddling where he would start to absentmindedly play with the ring on my finger and look into my eyes and say, "Thank you so much for saying 'yes'," and I would say, "I would always say yes to you my love." It was kinda becoming our 'thing' and I didn't mind it one bit.

Because I didn't really have a job, not that I needed one given the money my grandfather endowed me, and Phil worked from home, the two of us were together more than we were apart. Occasionally Phil would have to skype someone, but for the time being he had informed everybody he had to deal with that all meeting would be conducted online. I knew he was worried about leaving me alone and he was only doing this for my betterment, but for some reason I still feel bad about impeding his normal work schedule. He told me that it wasn't doing any damage and that he'd rather be home with me anyways. Even with this affirmation I was still worried that he may get tired of having to look after me. It was almost easier suffering in silence without anybody knowing than having somebody know some of the possible things that could be going through my head at any moment. I still attempted to keep a modicum of privacy when it came to my deepest thoughts the majority of the time, than other times (though there were very few) I would just let everything come out.

So that brings me to now. Sitting here yet again in this lumpy chair that's covered in so many freaking pillows that there was hardly any chair left, with the psychiatrist trying to get me to open up and trust her more.

"Dan," Ms. Turner states, "are you even listening to me?"

She's tapping her foot and pen simultaneously. When I do that it isn't annoying, but it seems that with her those simple taps are the overflowing distain towards me that she is attempting to hide.

"No, sorry," I respond quietly while trying to ignore her tapping, "my mind was elsewhere."

"Would you mind telling me where?"

"Actually, I think that I would mind. Thank you for asking," I say getting mildly annoyed with just how nosy she always is. It never seems to be on my terms, only hers. And here I thought psychiatrists were supposed to be understanding.

"And why would that be?" she asks getting slightly more cross with me.

"Look," I say sitting up in my chair, "I don't really have any reason to put my trust in you, or anybody for that matter. The only people that have shown me that they are trustworthy are my grandfather, who's dead, and Phil, who's waiting for me at home. So, frankly, if there was something that I wanted to really talk about then I think that I would rather speak to the one person that is still alive that I trust instead of somebody who has made it quite clear that the only reason that they are listening to me is because they are getting paid."

She looks mildly taken aback, but that is quickly replaced with a look of pure contempt before she begins her response, "Don't you think that Phil will get tired of hearing about all of your little problems? That is if he isn't already tired of it now. And when he does, what will be keeping him from leaving you? It might be better to talk to somebody who is getting paid to listen to your 'problems' instead of somebody who could leave whenever they wanted. I know that I couldn't stand it otherwise."

My eyes widen. How could she say something like that? I know I was being a bit difficult, but who could blame me?

Then in a millisecond my mind goes into overdrive as I think about what she had just said. She's right, I think, I am going to drive Phil away with all my stupid little problems. I'm going to drive him away because of how weak I am. How worthless I am. I'm so worthless that I deserve all of this, everything. And more... I can't do this. Who the hell have I been kidding? This is when I break, though I refuse to show that to this woman.

I have to get out of here. Now. Think of a response, quick!

"W-well, would you look at that, it looks like our time is up today. You'll have to keep making me feel like my myriad of mental issues don't exists and I'm just being a pussy next session. Thank you so much for making me feel like shit again, you sure are good at your occupation. Goodbye," I say as I stand up and walk to the door.

"Dan! Wait! I'm sorry, don't do anything stupid!" she yells after me. That's it. I can't fucking stand it when people say that. Especially after what she just said to me, the freaking nerve!

"You know what? That phrase never fucking helps, in fact it usually makes things worse. It is none, I repeat NONE of your business what I do or do not do with my life. You obviously have some sort of issue with me that you have gone to absolutely zero lengths to hide. You have pushed me for the last time and now I am done. I will not play nice anymore. So fuck you for the way that you have treated me when you were supposed to be helping me. You have really done your job well. And just to tell you, you have absolutey no idea what it is like to wake in the middle of the night scaring the thought of kissing razors baldes or to go through every fucking day like that for years. You don't know what it's like to see the blood leave you body or the feeling you get where you just want to cave in and give up fighting becuase everything is a fight! Every day is a battle. But obviously you don't care, so fuck you."

"Dan, wait-" she began to say, but was cut off once I slammed the door on my way out.

Do you know that feeling where there are a million thoughts and emotions going through your head, but you can only pick out a small amount of them even though the overall tone is still clear? Well that is what I was going though from them moment Ms. Turner said those things to me.

The things I can pick out?

You worthless idiot.

I'm a failure.

She's right.

How could anybody ever really love me?

Why would anybody love me? There'e nothing to love.

Phil will wake up and leave me.

I'm so weak.

I even failed at ridding the world of your worthless self.

I. Am. Nothing.

I need to stop...

I run to the station, eager get home, while trying to block out my thoughts. Luckily there's a tube heading the correct way about to leave, I need to get home. People keep avoiding me, I must look angry, that tends to happen when I am breaking inside, I don't want to show those feelings to the world so I mask them with anger. If I let my true feelings show I would be collapsed on the ground sobbing right about now, at the moment I am only doing that in my head. I really have no idea what I am going to do when I get home. Do I wan't to see Phil? Do I want to just sob alone? Drink? Sleep?

The one thing I do know is that I can't seem to get those hidden pieces of destruction out of my mind, it just seems so... inviting. It's the only thing that I know I want.

I am so caught up in this thought and the others that I nearly miss my stop. As I run through the desolate street to my building I know what I need to do. Fuck, I hate myself even more for thinking these thoughts. But at this point it doesn't matter, I just need to stop.

Stop my brain. Stop the emotional pain by drowning it out with something more... physical. Fuck, why am I so messed up? Why do I feel the need to do this all the time.

As I run up the stairs I think about what I will do if Phil is home. I'll need to sneak in or just lock my door. God I hope that he is out.

Once I am able to get my shaking hands to manoeuvre the key into the slot and open the door I see that Phil's coat is gone. He is still out, and I will be able to do what I need to do.

I shut the door and run to my old room. I think for a second about what I should grab and end up steering away from the box in the back of my closet. Instead I grab my copy of Cloud Atlas and open it to page 468. There, lying on the pages that contain RF's last words, was the temporary salvation that I needed. Slowly I reach for it.

Somewhere deep down I know that I should't be doing this, that I am disappointing Phil, but it doesn't seem to matter at the moment.

I drop the book and quickly make my way to one of the bathrooms closing the door behind me. I fall to the ground, my back against the tub, and let everything out. All the things that I had been holding in on the way here and it shatters me.

I quickly push up one my sleeve and without hesitation bring my salvation down upon my already tarnished skin.

Just like usual, the pain stops my mind and all I do is watch the blood leave my wrist. If you look close enough you can watch your heartbeat. This calms me. More then it should. I am able to just feel nothing for a little while.

But then a single thought comes into my head: You should just stop.

That is enough to bring back all of my thoughts and make me break down yet again. I need more, I need this to stop, so I repeat my actions hoping to achieve that state of temporary tranquility. Which for a moment I do, that is until I hear the door to the bathroom open.

"Dan-"

And I break all over again just from the look of disappointment plastered onto his face. The tears come pouring out as I recoil into myself, bringing my knees up.

Phil seems to be shaken out of his trance because he quickly grabs a hand towel and dashes over to my side prying my hands away from my knees and wrapping the towel around my wrist.

There is absolutely nothing that I can do to stop breaking down at this point so I just hide my face so I don't have to see the look of disappointment on his any longer. I feel him sit down next to me and wrap his long arms around my frame. He kisses my hair then rests his head lightly upon mine.

"Will you tell me what happened? I'm not angry or anything, I jus- was it me? Did I cause this?"

I keep my head down, but still respond though my shaking voice, "No Phil, it isn't your fault. It's mine. I'm worthless. And weak. And I just couldn't stop my mind. I needed it to stop. I couldn't handle it."

"It's going to be okay Dan, you're not worthless or weak. You're perfect. We'll get through this together."

Phil just stays with me on the bathroom floor until I have calmed down and the tears have stopped. Once I raise my head he gives me a small, sad looking smile and helps me up. Slowly he directs me to the sofa then leaves momentarily and comes back with bandages and ointment. I don't protest, I don't speak, I don't even move the entire time he is wrapping my arm. When he's finished we stay silent for a few moments, neither knowing exactly what to say.

"Dan, Why-what made you do this? And I know it wasn't just your thoughts, when it's that you call or come to me now and I am able to help. This time you didn't, so what happened?" Phil asks after obviously thinking deeply on how to approach this.

"It's noth-" I begin.

"It's not nothing Dan!" Phil interrupts, "Please, tell me."

I think a moment, do I really want him to know?

"I-it was therapy today. She just said something that got me thinking and then I couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry."

"What did she say?" he asks, "And don't say it was nothing, I know it wasn't." he states before I am able to get he words out.

I sigh, " I wouldn't open up to her and she got annoyed and said that if I kept talking to you about my little problems that you would leave me and that the only way anybody would be able to deal with me would be if they were getting paid to do so."

I look up to see Phil's face after I am done speaking, he looks shocked.

"Dan, she's wrong. I will never leave you. I want to hear everything, always. Please believe me."

"I do Phil," I say, "I just- it got to me. She knows what I have been through and she still calls them 'little' problems? I know i'm weak and I tend to overreact to-"

"You are not weak," he interrupts, "and the things you have been through.. they aren't little Dan. I have no idea how I would handle the things that you have been put though, but I would put money that it wouldn't be as well as you have dealt with them. You're strong, so strong for how hard you try. You're amazing."

"How can you say that after how you just found me?"

"You have held on, you fight every day with the things that happened in your past and most days you win. Today you didn't, but that doesn't make you any less strong. It doesn't mean that you won't win the war. I know you will."

We stay quite for a moment until he asks, "Dan, you know I need to ask, would you have- would you have gone further if I hadn't come home?"

I think about it for a second. Would I? It started as just me wanting to stop the pain, but before he came in I had absolutely no intention of stopping. But would I have gone through with it all again?

"I don't know, it wasn't my intention."

"Ok, I just, I can't lose you Dan. You're everything to me, please don't give up," he says with tears threatening to come out again. So I pull him into a hug and whisper, "I'll try, I promise."

With this he pulls me in closer to him and eventually we both fall asleep in each others arms holding on for dear life. My last thought before I fall into the land of dreams and nightmares is that I am glad that he came home for me.

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Well, there it is. I finally updated! Sorry for my updates being so sporadic, let's just say that I haven't been in the best place for a very long time now and it gets to me sometimes. (As you could probably guess from the story)

I hope that you all liked this. I really appreciate all the comments and criticism. Also, any of you know Cloud Atlas or who RF is? If so my name may make more sense to you now. I couldn't help myself, I had to leave that reference there. I also put other references throughout the chapters, I'm not sure if anybody gets them, but they're there. And the songs! I added songs to the chapters, if you want to reread some of them I recommend putting the song on repeat. And as I said at the beginning, I DRASTICALLY changed all the chapters, most of the actual story line is the same, but still.

I decided that I will continue this for a bit longer by the way. I am not sure just how much though, we'll see, it's also kinda up to you readers as well.

Please stay safe. 3