A/N: Alright ladies, we all know what he's done but now he has to come whistle clean to his already emotionally battered and reluctant wife. This will not be pretty.
I would like to take this opportunity to say a special 'Thank you' to my new beta reader, Anna.
Narration: D-day is here. Ana and Christian finally have the face-to-face, come to Jesus, that they have both been dreading.
~oo0oo~
Ana
I've been jumpy all day, can't seem to settle my nerves. I vetoed the idea of Dr. Flynn acting as our marriage counselor, it's not his area of expertise and in my view he's just too close to Christian to be objective. He is Christian's private shrink, for God's sake, how can this not be a total conflict of interest, though I have ok'd him sitting in on this session. Too much is happening too fast and I feel caught in a vortex of emotion, spinning and twisting until I don't know which way is up; my mind is a fragmented, confused mess. I have just been going through the motions for the past couple of weeks, with the weakest of holds on my tattered emotions, the state of which swing like a tilted metronome, out of sync and unpredictable.
This meeting was not my idea, it's too soon; I'm not ready, don't know if I'll ever be ready, but I know it needs to happen. I am leaving for Savannah in the morning and I can't leave this hanging over me forever. But I am terrified at the thought of being hurt further by what he will disclose this afternoon. I don't want the picture of him with her in my mind's eye. I have no idea what more there could be to say. He had an affair, was with her often enough that he fell in love with her, lavished her with all the trapping that being with Christian Grey brings. He said he wanted to lay it all out, bare all. I know I don't want the unvarnished view of their time together, why would I? This is a mistake, I can feel it.
As the days ticked down to my departure to Georgia I've vacillated wildly between the sweet peaceful comfort, and the paralyzing panic the idea of leaving brings me. Occupying these two ends of the spectrum, sometimes within minutes of each other renders me tired, bitter and confused.
It's been quiet this week. Christian and Ros had to go to Germany for an emergency meeting on some huge deal that could not be postponed, which, if I am candid has been nice. Since I told him I was going to Savannah he has been all over Teddy, wanting all the time he can get with him. Despite my reaction to Christian's attempt to manipulate me into staying in Seattle, I have to admit Teddy's well being is my greatest concern. He loves Christian and I know Christian loves him. How will being away affect their relationship? I'd never want to drive a wedge between father and son. And like the flipping of a light switch anger floods my system because I am stressing over circumstances that I did not create; Christian, in his infinite selfishness created all of this wreckage.
As the hour draws closer my feeling that this is a mistake grows stronger.
Grace and Carrick came by earlier to pick Teddy up, they have agreed to watch him for the afternoon while Christian and I rip each other to shreds. It is for the best, but with Teddy gone I feel at odds, antsy, like I could climb the walls, or tear my skin off. I decide to make coffee and tea and place fruit, cheese, and wafers on a tray, must be the consummate hostess, but mainly to work off some nervous energy. I check my appearance for the umpteenth time and consider changing. I have opted for casual elegance with a long flowing maxi dress.
The chimes sound and I know that Christian and Dr. Flynn have arrived. My heart rate rockets, I can feel my pulse thumping a crazy beat in my neck. I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, blowing them out slowly; shaking my hands vigorously trying desperately to rid myself of the panic and dread chilling my blood.
I open the door just as they pull into the round. Leaving the front door open I step on to the porch. There is a slight breeze that molds my dress to the front of my body and lifts my hair lightly from my shoulders blowing it behind me. Both men step out of the car, staring at me mouths agape. John is the first to regain his manners and smiles as he walks the short distance to the porch.
"Ana, so good to see you, you look lovely, how are you feeling today?" He leans in clasping my shoulders as he kisses me quickly on the cheek.
"Good day John, it's good to see you also, and I've been better." I say honestly as I step out of his embrace.
Christian finally steps on to the porch his face like a slapped ass.
"Ana."
"Christian." He steps forward leaning as if to kiss my cheek, but I turn quickly and lead them into the house, thus avoiding his touch. I haven't forgotten his antics from the BBQ.
"Please, help yourselves to coffee or tea." I offer once we are all in the family room. "Have some refreshments, we are just waiting on Dr. Harper to arrive."
We stand there awkward for several interminable minutes, uncomfortable in each other's presence until the house phone breaks the silence. I answer quickly and utter a terse 'Thank you' and replace the receiver.
"Dr. Harper is on his way up." I announce to the room.
When Sawyer ushers him into the room I am more than a little shocked. The person in front of me looks nothing like the picture I saw online. In his profile he was rather nerdy, this guy is anything but. As tall as my husband, equally physically fit. He is without the dark rimmed glasses that he donned for his classic psychologist profile persona. To be perfectly honest I am...distracted.
Sawyer's, "Mrs. Grey, this is Dr. Beauregard Harper." pulls me to my senses. I step forward and offer Dr. Harper my hand.
"Dr. Harper, thank you so much for seeing us; I hope you haven't had to alter your schedule too much." I say as his massive, warm hand engulfs my tiny one."
"Mrs. Grey, a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I hope I can be of some assistance today." His voice is deep and gentle. I step back into the family room and gesture to John and Christian.
"This is Christian Grey, and you know Dr. Flynn." I say by way of introductions.
"Hello Mr. Grey, pleased to meet you." He says, pumping his hand several times. Turning to John, "Dr. Flynn, John, I am surprised to see you here," his statement a question.
"I am well acquainted with Mr. and Mrs. Grey, as Mr. Grey is an old friend; I am just here as an observer, if that is ok with you?"
"It's a bit odd, but I have no trouble if it's ok with Mr. and Mrs. Grey." We both nod dumbly. "Shall we get started?"
"Dr. Harper, would you care for coffee or tea? I also have some light refreshments, do you care for anything?"
I can literally feel the heat from the glare coming from Christian. I humph and think, 'get over yourself.'
"It's Beau, and thank you, coffee would be perfect." I turn to get his coffee and turn back quickly, causing my hair to swing over my shoulder landing across my face and right breast. I reach up and tuck it behind my ear, "How do you take it?"
"Cream, lightly sweet."
If Christian was glaring before, he could start a brush fire with the laser beams he is shooting at Dr. Harper now.
I hand Dr. Harper his coffee and a small plate of fruit and wafers, then take my place on the opposite end of the couch from Christian.
"Before we get started I want to explain my role in the discussion today." He pauses to make sure we are both listening. "I am simply the mediator. Here to provide the right environment for you to communicate openly, honestly, and most of all respectfully. My specialty is counseling couples dealing with infidelity. Is that what we are talking about today?"
I answer with a firm, "Yes." While Christian simply nods his head. Dr. Harper is scribbling on his tablet.
"Which one of you had the affair?" He looks back and forth between us, until Christian growls…
"I had the affair."
"Have the two of you spoken about the affair?"
"No," We answer in unison.
"Mrs. Grey, what are….
"Ana, please it's just Ana." I interrupt him.
"Very well, Ana...what are you expecting from this discussion?"
"Answers to a very short list of questions." He waits to make sure I am finished speaking before he writes on his tablet again.
"Mr. Grey, what are your expectations for this discussion?"
"To start to repair what I've damaged in my marriage."
There is a long uncomfortable silence as makes notes in his tablet. I have been staring at my hands as I wring them non-stop in my lap.
"Ana?" Dr. Harper nods for me to begin.
I let a long sigh slip from my lips, gather my inner warrior and let it rip. "First things first, let's set the ground rules; I know how fond you are of setting rules." I pin him with an icy glare and my voice drips with sarcasm. "Don't say her name; I don't want to know how her name sounds as it rolls off your tongue. I don't want to hear your voice ringing in my head, imagining what it must have sounded like as you cooed her name while you were fucking her." He flinches as if I have actually slapped him. "Say her name even once and this meeting ends." I pause making sure he hears me loud and clear. "I only want the answers to the questions I ask." The tension is thick, the air crackles with hostility and fear.
"How long?"
"Three and a half months."
"How did you meet?"
It takes him a moment, "The reception at The Georgian for the French engineering firm in February."
My eyes dart around the space of the family room recalling the events of that evening, trying to remember if he paid any particular woman extra attention. Then I remember….
"The hostess, she tried to hand you a business card that you refused if I recall correctly." I say, my voice trailing off.
His silence is my answer. My eyes snap to him, searching his too-beautiful-for-his-own-good face. His eyes are closed tightly and a frown knits his brow. Frankly he looks constipated.
"Had it already started and you were just trying to throw me off?"
"No."
"When then?" Angry, sharp.
"She came to my office a couple of days after the reception," his eyes meet mine, though I can tell it is taking some effort, "under the pretense of returning a piece of jewelry she thought you may have lost."
"That's it, that's all it took to capture your attention, and make you betray me?"
He launches himself from the couch, pacing a lap in front of our huge stone fireplace.
"No, Ana….no. The night of the reception, before you arrived, I noticed her watching me. There seemed to be a spark, an attraction…..we flirted for awhile." He stops, it appears he's having a hard time collecting his thoughts and voicing them in the way he wants. "As soon as you arrived it stopped, I wasn't planning to ever see her again."
All the questions, and shitty, sharp barbs that were burning my thoughts moments before have died on my lips. It was one thing to know that there was an initial moment, but to hear him speak of his 'attraction' to another woman, a woman who isn't me, is crushing. I am unprepared for the flood of pain that fills my chest and I am finding it hard to breathe. He doesn't notice and continues.
"There are things I need to tell you that will be hard for me to say and even harder for you to hear. I want you to know I am ashamed of what I've done, and regret how I've hurt you."
"Did you ever bring her here." Dead, lifeless. I am determined to control the direction of this conversation.
He's caught off guard, but answers with a firm, quick, "No, never, of course not." And has the audacity to look afronted, like how could I possibly think he would do something 'like that', as if sticking his dick in her and falling in-love was somehow less egregious.
"Did you discuss leaving me and Teddy with her?"
That sends his hands sweeping through the mass of forever unruly hair. His tell, his nervous tick.
"Ana, listen…." He counters, trying to evade, but I'm not having it.
"It's an easy question Christian, either you did, or you didn't, yes or no." I cut him off.
"It came up." He's shutting down. Bastard. He can't control the direction so now he's going to act out, I could have scripted this. I feel the sting of tears looming but I refuse to let them to fall. The momentary silence has allowed him to regroup, take a different track. CEO Christian makes an appearance.
"Ana as you know we've had to ramp up security, and the reason behind that is….she, tried to approach you a couple of weeks ago. Please, I hope you know I would never allow her to hurt you or Teddy, physically hurt you or Teddy." He amends as he takes in the look of incredulity on my face. My stone silence and lack of reaction is his license to continue. Moving back to the couch, he draws a fortifying breath and says….
"I met her on my last two business trips. The trip to San Antonio and the one before that when I went to New Jersey; I detoured in Philly for a couple of days.
This cut is deep, excruciating...I realize this is when he fell in love. His opportunity to explore what life would be like for the two of them not having to hide. And there it is, the image of the two, laughing, carefree, happy...I feel as if I'm going to be ill.
"Stop Christian, this is exactly what I don't want. You want to cleanse your guilty conscience, unburden your soul, you think purging your sins will give us a clean start, some sort of new beginning, but I don't want all of that heaped on me. You don't get to breathe free by burying me in your putrid mess. I let you swallow me up until I didn't see myself anymore, until I was nonexistent, until I was just an extension of you. My every waking thought was about you, what will Christian think, what will Christian like, and what does Christian want…evidently not the wife working herself silly to keep his home a warm and welcoming place, our son happy, healthy and thriving and worrying myself sick that you wouldn't want me anymore because of the changes my body has undergone, no, Christian wants a selfish, homewrecking whore. I feel like a fool, a fool, working day and night to put together a program that honors the man I thought you were. The joke is on me I guess, naive Ana, only seeing the good in people. I never imagined it would be my very own husband who would deliver the wake-up blow."
"If I could go back…." His eyes slide closed as his head wags sadly, but I cut him off. Dr. Harper tries to intercede but I won't stop.
"But you can't, can you? You can't undo this, you can't go back and un-wine and dine her, get back time with her that should have been spent with your family…you can't un-fuck her, can you?" I spit, my last words caked with venom. "You know what, this is a waste of time. This one and the next two sessions are an exercise in futility, a colossal waste of energy. There is no amount of 'I'm sorry' that will ever make up for what you've done, how you've hurt me." I am not even trying to control the tears or the hurt and anguish that is consuming me. "Once again you have played me for the fool I am. All the begging and pleading at the lawyers office, my voice becomes mocking, ' Ana, what do you want, I will beg on my knees if you will agree to separation and give marriage counseling a try,' just more of your manipulative bullshit to get your way. From where I stand your only mistake was ending it with Paige." I spit her name at him as I unleash the unmitigated hatred I feel toward him. "You deserve each other." I stand, my silent gesture that this meeting is over. All three stand with me, shock adorning all three faces.
"An…Ana." Christian stutters, he barely breathes my name but all the hurt he feels at my hate filled tirade can be felt in that one utterance, it only fuels my ire.
"Keep that bitch away from me, and for that matter you stay away from me too, or so help me God I will not be responsible for my actions. Would you all please leave…" When none of them make a move to depart, I up the ante.
"Get. Out. Now! Or do you need my security to assist you from the premises." I actually feel possessed, like some other entity occupies my body.
Rage, hurt, and hate battle for supremacy of my very soul. I pound down the hallway not waiting to see if they actually leave, I come to a halt at the door to Christian's study. The door is halfway open, an invitation I readily accept. Stepping into his study the bonfire of hate reaches new heights. This is where he sat and planned, dreamed, orchestrated his deceit. Business trips my ass, illicit love get-away has a truer ring. My eye falls on the massive picture of us on our wedding day that hangs behind the couch in the sitting area.
I grab the heavy crystal apple paperweight he received from the Washington State Apple Growers Association and hurl it at the picture. The sound of the glass smashing is indescribably satisfying, something else he treasures shattering, besides my heart. I sweep the huge mahogany desk clean, while a primal scream electrifies the air. I hear fast foot falls descending the hall, and manage to shut and lock the door before they arrive, my work here is not done. Finding the Italian antique dagger he uses as a letter opener, pretentious prick, I carve 'you hurt me' in the pristine wood. I leave the room in shambles, the only thing left intact are items having anything to with Teddy. I exit the room as the first tendrils of smoke spire up from the waste paper basket filled with the shredded remnants of our wedding portrait. I find the entire on-site staff standing vigil outside the office. I make momentary eye contact with Sawyer and Gail; the only word to leave my mouth is a subdued "fire" as I turn and head for the front door.
Sawyer runs in and grabs the fire extinguisher hidden by the credenza in Christian's office, while Gail races for the one kept in the kitchen. I think to myself, let it burn, as I climb into my car and drive away.
~oo0oo~
All previous disclaimer apply.