Chapter 24
~Ana~
I am pleasantly surprised as I walk up to Christian's place. I don't know what I was expecting, but homey and charming wasn't it. Well, that's a lie, I know exactly what I was expecting. I was expecting to find the southern version of Grey Meadow; access restrictive driveway, neighbors a quarter of a mile away. But this is just another house like in any other neighborhood in the US, except for the two giant armed guards, one stationed in front of the garage and the other at the front door at the end of the curved walkway. I sigh in relief when I notice that it is Reynolds at the front door. He notices me at the same time and I shake my head when he puts his cell to his ear, he hesitates a moment but to my relief lowers the phone, as I hear Sawyer pull into the driveway.
"Hi Craig, If it's alright with you I'd prefer not to be announced, I'll just go and ring the doorbell, you know, like regular people do." And give him my morning glory smile.
"Go right ahead, Mrs. Grey; I just hope I can count on a glowing reference from you when he cans me." I know only ten percent of that was joking.
"No worries, I won't let him fire you." I say just as I press the bell, and my stomach flutters with the wings of a thousand butterflies. I really don't want a repeat of our last attempt at direct communication. It is taking so long for someone to answer the door I am about to ring the bell again, when finally the door inches open. There stands Christian pale and slightly green around the gills, desperately trying to etch a smile on his stony gray façade. Teddy is in his right arm wriggling for all he's worth trying get free.
"Theodore, settle," He states firmly. Then finally having found that elusive smile says, "Let Mommy come in first," in a much gentler tone. Stepping inside I hear the softest most sincere, "Welcome." It's one simple utterance, but said with such intensity; I couldn't help but to look over my shoulder and gasp at the undiluted emotion I find on his face, confusion, sadness, love but most abundantly, hope. Christian is an undeniably beautiful man, but here in the mid-morning light, he looks as if he's aged ten years in three months. If I wasn't standing here experiencing it myself I would say it's impossible, but I can hear him telling me with his blazing gray eyes and worried expression, how sorry he is. I literally audibly hear 'I'm so sorry' in his eyes. Even Teddy has stilled as he watches our silent exchange.
I haven't gotten three steps in the door before Grace bursts the bubble when she walks over to gives me a good morning hug. "Ana, good morning dear," followed by a gentle kiss on the cheek.
"Have you given mommy a kiss this morning," She asks turning to her son and Grandson.
"No, WE haven't." Christian answers for both of them. Teddy resumes his wiggling trying to get out of his father's hold. He takes full advantage of my distracted state and slides a slightly lingering kiss on my cheek, while Ted is sandwiched between us and hugging my neck tightly. "Mowaning Mommy." He sings.
"Good morning Ana, come in, and make yourself at home." His smooth baritone floating in my ear as his hand finds the small of my back ushering me into his home. The tiny gesture so familiar that it takes me several seconds to even register the intimacy, and by the time I do his hand has retreated.
We exchange pleasantries until Carrick has finished his small breakfast plate.
"Since it's every ones first time here, I think Ted and I should give you the fifty cent tour." He pins me with a knowing gaze when he says fifty, I'm sure hoping it will remind me of my nickname for him.
"I'm going to skip the tour if you don't mind son," Carrick pipes up, "Think I'll get a shower and wash the rest of this hang-over away."
I knew it! I was pretty sure he was drunk last night. I still have no idea when I missed him imbibing the hard stuff.
"That's fine Dad, we'll be here a few more days; I'll show you around later." He easily offers his father. "Teddy, lead the way, what do you want to show Grammie and Mommy first?"
"My woom, my woom" Teddy chants as he bounces on the sofa. We are going to have to teach him to say 'r's, or I see a Speech Therapist in his future. I remind myself he is not quite two and a half, so I let it go for now; and allow my baby to lead us up the very modern staircase. No sooner than his feet hit the landing, does he break free from Christian's hold and races down the hallway to his 'woom,' a chorus of "slow down Teddy," chasing him.
Christian, Grace and Teddy make it over the threshold with no problem. Maybe Sawyer is right in saying I'm the most accident prone person he knows, because whatever invisible piece of lint that is lying in wait has managed its job beautifully. I feel that all too familiar weightless, something is off balance sensation you get when you're falling. "Shit!"
I'm not entirely sure which one of us that came from or how I've ended up twisted and in the sure, strong arms of a startled yet smirking Christian. For anyone just coming upon the scene it looks like he has dipped me low in some sort of intimate dance. Both arms circle my body one high, the other deeper near the small of my back, just above my ass. My breathing is heavy and slightly erratic; my chest heaving with the effort to draw air. My head is swimming, and I don't know if it's from my near fall or the embrace I'm held in. Actually, I'm certain it's a bit of both.
"Seems we've been here before." Warm breath bathes my face sending my senses reeling even more. "I'll never let you fall again, Ana." My gaze seeks out his on its own accord, drawn like a magnet. What I see are stormy gray pools trying to climb into my very soul. As he rights us my own hands reach for his muscular biceps. This close encounter feels as if it's taken hours to play out, but I know it's been a matter of seconds. We are pulled from each once again by Grace's concerned voice asking me if I am alright. I answer with a breathy …
"Yes, I'm fine," I try to make light of my sometimes clumsy baring. "Once again it seems my feet got confused." I push against his arms; he hesitantly, and what feels like sadly releases me, or maybe it's me who is sad.
"Okay, let's get on with the tour." I breeze around the room trying to let these unsettling feelings pass, while Teddy excitedly shows us his airplane themed room. Christian walks us back up the hall and indicates the two guest rooms, then opens the door to his bedroom which I do not enter, just look in from the outside of the threshold. The house is an open floor plan with the exception of a small office, and powder room off the kitchen. The tour ends quickly once we get back downstairs. Not long after we get comfortable in the family area Carrick comes down fresh from his shower and dressed for the day.
"Would you mind taking Teddy over with you, I have some things I need to talk to Ana about, privately." Christian asks his parents, and the bottom drops out of my stomach. I find myself taking a few deep breaths and blowing them away.
The anxiety I feel at the trio retreating down the walkway is palpable. I think Christian may feel it also, as he seems to be lingering at the door as well. Having walked a few steps further down the entry than he did, I now have to turn and retrace those steps, and that, for reasons I understand, seems so much harder. He steps aside allowing me to pass through the doorway, and I honestly have no idea how my legs carry me across because they feel the consistency of two wet noodles.
The nervous tension, thick, and the awkward silence, loud; neither of us seem to know how to start the discussion. We stand in the middle of the room for a rather uncomfortable moment. It looks as if he has no intention on starting, so I take the lead.
"I would like to go first if you have no objection." I start confidently, my voice belying the riot of nerves warring at my core. "As is our history, I fear that after what you have to say mine will pale into insignificance." Christian Grey throws haymakers not softballs, and I may be 'out the door' before I get the chance to say my piece.
"As you wish my dear, anything you want." I have to catch the eye roll that threatens He reaches for my elbow, but this time I'm quicker and move just in time to avoid his touch. Defeatedly dropping his hand to his side he says, "Nothing you say to me Ana, would ever be insignificant, don't you know that?"
I have to let one that go, because if that isn't an invitation to a shitty, unnecessary comment, I don't know what is. I am determined not to let this dissolve into emotional mayhem.
"I have decided it's time to come home." The look of astonishment coupled with the pure joy that lights up his face, make me realize I've begun this the wrong way. For a brief second though, I see the Christian I fell in love with, but I know that won't live long after I correct his misunderstanding of what I just said.
"I'm not coming back to you," I say evenly with no inflection or emotion. "I just mean Teddy and I are returning to Seattle."
And as expected he dims slightly, but recovers quickly.
"I see," He mutters subdued. Nodding his head, I think to bolster his sinking spirits, he mumurs, "It's still the best news I've heard in a long time," and gives me a wan smile.
"I, ah…wanted to discuss how we will handle visitation and custody." That was harder to get out than I imagined it would be. "Before you answer take some time to think it through, I'm not planning the move before November, so we have plenty of time to work out something that is doable for everyone. I want to talk to Teddy about it for a couple of weeks so he knows it's coming, I'd appreciate it if you would do the same.
I can't really get a handle on where his head is, as he just alternates between thoughtful nods and sad shakes of that ever unruly mop of copper hair.
"Actually that is one of the things I wanted to speak with you about today." I keep quiet allowing him to continue. "I wanted to suggest that I start having Teddy for two week stretches, that way I could take him to Seattle and cut this weekend father nonsense."
I think he hears how that sounded a second too late, because he starts explaining.
"I don't mean being a father is nonsense, I just felt like I was missing out on so much only seeing him on the weekends. I would still like to get him soon, I was planning an all boys weekend, just some fishing, and bonding, maybe camping with Elliot, Carrick, and your dad, if you think he'd like to come along. But we can discuss all of that once I have it all ironed out."
"Oh, I see." I murmur distractedly. "I'm not sure how Ray would react to that, but you can always ask." I watch as his eyebrows shoot skyward, I'm not sure what that's about, but I won't get into at this time. "My decision to return is in part to encourage the relationship you and Teddy have. You two are closer than ever, and I don't want anything to impede that. Actually, I want to do everything in my power to see it grow. I see now how much he needs you as much as he needs me. Also, I am going to start a project and I think the Northwest would be the perfect place to plant that seed."
"A project," His eyes picking up an interested gleam. "What sort of, project?"
"Oh no," I say on a chuckle. "I'm not telling you right now. I want this to be mine, like GEH is yours."
He eyes me closely, his head cocked to the side, but I hold his gaze, refusing to back down. For several moments we just stare, his gaze floats from one eye to the other, while I focus intently on just his right eye and hold it impassive and unblinking. I let one eyebrow lift in an expression of 'well' just as he lets a smile slip.
"Touche, Anastasia. I only ask that if you need any help you won't hesitate to come to me." I barely hear him over the blood whooshing in my head.
"Ask me Ana." He hunches his shoulder. "Ask me anything that you want to know, give me whatever is weighing on your heart, unburden your soul baby. I'll be able to bear it.
"That's awfully magnanimous of you." I hiss my tone dripping with sarcasm. "That really pisses me off Christian, you know that." I have to move away from him his nearness and magnetism is wrecking my resolve, and making me a bit testy. "Somehow you think a few contrite expressions, and some words made to sound sincere, add a pinch of smarmy charm and sex appeal and I am supposed forget the single most devastating event of my life." We are both stunned at my outburst. Though said with more of an edge than I had intended, his giving me permission to be angry and hurt is pissing me off. "I don't need your understanding that I'm hurt or your permission to be angry."
He just regards me quietly for quite some time.
"I'm sorry is so pale and inadequate, and does not begin to express the depth of regret I feel over having done this to us. But that's what I am, sorry. Ana, I am so, so sorry. At the risk of making you angrier than you are now…." He tugs hard on a handful of hair. "I want you to be angry with me, you have every right to be angry with me, it's the least of what I deserve. Scream at me, hit me, if that would makes you feel better. When it's all said and done though, I want you to forgive me and give me another chance to make this up to Teddy, our family, but especially to you, baby." He is at eye level in front of me, squat down and balancing himself on the balls of his feet, tiny corrective movements making his impressove quadriceps bunch and flex, his desire to touch me evident by the occasional tick of his hands. "I want to make you happy and have a life with you and our son, to be a family. I want that more than my past actions have shown, I want that more than I know how to express to you in words alone. I want you Ana, and only you. That's what I want, what do you want?"
"I don't know what I want, but I do know I am nowhere near forgiveness. The truth is I'm not willing to let you back in my life or my heart like that; you were careless and callous with both. I don't know how I could ever let myself be that open or unguarded with you again. I can't think about us without seeing you with her. You haven't yet earned a second bite at the apple."
Instead of answering he stands to his full height, peering down at me, I can see the gears of his mind at work. This isn't going in the direction he'd anticipated, so in typical Christian Grey fashion, he plans to change the game.
"Would you like a cup of tea?" Hmmm, he's opted for distraction, and diversion as his tools of choice. I'll let him think I've missed his little ploy, at least for now.
"That would be lovely, thank you."
~Christian~
I leave Ana sitting on the couch as I head into the kitchen to put on the tea pot. This isn't going exactly how I envisioned. Smarmy charm, damn, that one hurt. I am at a total loss on how she might handle the rest of what I want to tell her, and that is scaring the shit out of me. I needed this intermission to try and compose just how I will approach this very sensitive topic. As I wait for the tea pot to whistle I openly watch her. This woman, my wife, has a quality that is magical. I don't know how I lost sight of it, but it is in full glory this morning as the sun reflects off her shiny mahogany tresses. She is wearing her hair loose, and I wonder absently if that is because she knows that is how I like it best. I can see that it has been trimmed, and falls just above the swell of her breasts. It takes considerable control not to reach over and sweep it behind her ears so that I could get to her long, slender neck and trail soft kisses to that place just below her ear that I know makes her knees weak.
The tea pot whistles breaking me from my reverie. I watch as she rises and glides to the other side of the breakfast bar, taking a seat on one of the tall stools. And I'm reminded of the sensations that pierced my heart and soul while holding her in my arms after her near tumble in Ted's room. That now familiar ache bathed my chest. I wanted to hold her like that and never let her go; love her until all the hurt is gone. Kiss her until she knows I know what a fool I have been. I didn't know whether cheer or curse the fact that we were not alone. I don't believe I would have even tried to control my actions if I'd had her all to myself in that moment.
"Christian?" I hear my name on the sweetest puff of air, and realize I am standing there with the tea pot raised in mid-air. I do that a lot now, find myself somewhere lost in a place where none of this has happened and life is as it should be.
"Where were you?"
"Happily lost in a place where I haven't hurt you so deeply." I answer easily, honestly. "I'll admit that I go there a lot these days, and I fear that after this conversation I just may pack up and move there forever."
Ana surprises me when she answers with a muttered, "Take me with you."
I all but drop the tea pot as I reach for her hand. "Gladly," I blurt, seizing the moment. "Baby, I'll gladly take you away to wherever you want to go."
Tracking her line of sight to where both my hands swallow her tiny one, we stay like that for a couple of beats until she gently pulls for me to release her. But I don't want to, I've enjoyed more physical contact with her in the last twenty four hours than I have in the last three months and I don't want it to end; I don't want to let her go. She's thrown me a lifeline and I'm going to hold on to it with all my might. It's just one sliver of hope, but that's all I need.
"God," Her eyes lower with remorse, "Christian I'm sorry, it was callous of me to say that." She tugs harder for me to unhand her, and reluctantly I do. Her next statement makes me wonder if she's now a mind reader. "I didn't mean to give you any false hope. I was just agreeing that I wish none of this had ever happened."
I hear the words tumbling from her lips, but I don't believe it was false hope. I felt what passed between us; I was gifted a momentary peek into her soul. She still loves me, I know it, and I'll care for it tenderly and protect that love until my last goddamned breath.
"Do you hate me Ana?" Please say no. Please. Say. No.
"No, Christian I don't hate you." I physically sigh, as my body slumps a little. "Though I do hate what you did."
"Do you still….love me." I hold my breath.
"I don't want to answer that." She deftly evades, but that's ok, she didn't say no. "I've told you what I came to tell you what did you want to say to me?"
I take a deep breath and blow it away; that fucking mutant moth is munching away again. Reaching up, I scratch my stubbly jaw. Summoning all my control so I don't sound as scared as I feel, I dive in.
"You may have noticed that Taylor did not accompany me on this trip. I've tasked him with a very important project, and that is to make sure Pa…erh," I stutter, almost forgetting her first directive. "Miss Dennison gets her ass out of the country."
I notice that she doesn't seem very surprised, and I instantly know Elliot's been telling bedtime stories.
"Do Mia and Kate already know also? I'm guessing by your lack of reaction that Elliot has already enlightened you to our meeting." She is biting that lip, in order to stifle a grin or grimace I can't quite make out which. Either way all I can concentrate on is her teeth sinking into that sinful bottom lip of hers. And now I am trying to stifle the groan rumbling up my chest. My gaze must be predatory, because her eyes widen as a little hitch catches in her throat when she release the lip. God help me if I don't want to reach over and run my thumb over her lip to soothe the bite mark left behind, or create another one when my own teeth grip the deliciously soft pillow. We're both blindsided by the moment, but she manages to recover first.
"Yes, Elliot did tell us about the meeting, from his point of view it was a rather heated on. I'm wondering why all the animosity? Were you fighting your desire for her and putting on an act so Elliot and Carrick won't know your true feelings?" Well I guess that answers that, grimace not grin.
"Ana that was not the case, not even close. I don't have feelings for her, in any shape or form." I feel frustration mounting.
"What you meant to say was, you no longer have feelings for Paige, because if I remember correctly, and I assure you I do, you admitted to having very strong feelings for PAIGE!"
And surly as night follows day, I stick my foot, ankle deep into my mouth.
"Careful Ana, I'm still me. I don't need you to tell me what I meant to say; I said what I meant." The second; and I mean the moment the last syllable leaves my mouth I am sorry for having said them, mortified and ashamed, are closer description of what is flowing through my veins. Ana wastes no time, I guess she's been expecting me to act out. Fuck!
"And that is the crux of the problem, you're still you." She's off the stool and headed for the couch before I can blink. "I was wondering when the real Christian was going to make an appearance," She throws out, not bothering to turn around.
"Ana please wait." She's searching the area where she was sitting. "Please Ana, wait, don't do this." What the hell is she looking for? "Don't run!" I all but shout. That puts a momentary pause in her flight.
"Fuck it, you can keep the bag." Bag? What bag does she mean, her handbag? Who cares asshole, don't let her leave, because like it or not, you are all out of chances.
My foot falls are heavy and fast as I dart across the span of the spaces to the front door. I wrack my brain trying to think of anything that will keep her from walking out that door.
"I was never going to leave you." I bark, still in motion. She spins around suddenly; I barely have time to stop before I barrel into her. We stand there facing each other both our chests heaving with the effort to take in air. Her face tear stained and enraged, and she's never been more beautiful.
"I lay myself at your feet Ana. I am defenseless, exposed and naked at your mercy." I find my hands have moved of their own will to a prayer pose. Supplication, okay, yeah I can do that, easily.
"Please baby, will you come back and sit, so that we can finally get it all out in the open," her face the living embodiment of the expression if looks could kill. I step to the side and give her the space to enter without any molestation from me. It takes several long and anxious moments, but she finally decides to continue.
"Stop calling me baby." Are the only words she speaks as she defiantly steps toward the living room.