A/N: Hi Ladies, yes I know, I'm slow…tortuously, maddeningly slow. I am truly sorry, but genuinely grateful for those of you who've stuck around.

guest chapter 24 . Dec 5

here we are playing the waiting game again...

JackieS chapter 24 . Dec 1

Will there be an update any time soon. Five weeks is a long time to wait at such a cliffhanger.

My 10 year old son was walking home from school on Monday Oct. 27th, the last time I posted, as a matter of fact. He and a classmate were playing in a field about a block from our home, when some bigger kids happened upon them, picking my son up and slamming him to the ground, breaking his arm. I hope you, guest reviewer and you, JackieS can understand that FanFiction, FSoG, and the invented trials and tribulations of Ana & Christian, two non-real people, were the very last thing on my mind. After dealing with the police (twice ;)), that's for you Amanda and Shannon. After dealing with the police, being present when the boys were shown pictures of the middle school boys, and fighting with the school's administration; you'll have to excuse me if I really didn't have a head for the woes of two fictional characters. My real life was calling.

Guest chapter 24 . Dec 3

Why waste all this time in the Georgia people? It's about time for redemption.

You'll know it's time for redemption when I write it. Thank you so kindly for your contribution.

Thank you and much love to RightyTighty, she is the reason this chapter is ready today. You are fantastic!

Chapter 25

Narration: Ana & Christian reach their nadir.

~Christian~

I follow her at a safe distance, my heart pumping a gusher, and wait for her to take a seat. If I thought this would be hard before, saying the things I need to tell her will be near impossible now. Despite that sobering fact, I have to do this. I quickly scan the area for anything she could use as a projectile, knowing my head would be her target. Once I am satisfied that there is nothing that could do serious damage I allow my gaze to find her, rigid and dignified, staring straight back at me. She's not the timid, unsure, and pliable ingénue of just a few short years ago, and I've never found her more alluring or sexy.

"I apologize for losing my temper. I just can't stand you thinking that those were true feelings I had for her."

"What else was I supposed to think, Christian?"

"Is that what you've been thinking all this time?" I ask, genuine surprise lacing my question.

"If you are going to answer my questions with a question we're going to be here a long time and make zero progress." She states with obvious irritation. "But to answer your question, yes, that's exactly what I've been thinking. Do I need to remind you that you said you were in love with her, that she had become very 'special' to you?"

In all honesty I have managed to block that from my memory.

"No, I prefer not recalling that horrific day, to be perfectly honest with you. All I can tell you, is I don't have the words to make you understand how twisted I was feeling at that time. I don't fully understand it myself, but John has been helping me examine everything, and some things are clearer now that I can put a name to them. I'm going to try to explain, but I guarantee I'll fuck it up."

"A name to what," She asks, thankfully ignoring my last statement.

"I've learned phrases such as abandonment issues, self fulfilling prophecy, and other clinical terms for self-destructive behavior."

"But you didn't just destroy yourself, did you? You destroyed me and our family in the process." Her voice is full of the anguish our hearts are feeling.

"Ba…Ana, I know, that's exactly what I did. I didn't just hurt myself, but the people I love the very most. I'm…."

"Why?" She cuts me off with this whispered request, and it slices through me like a knife. How do I make her understand? How in God's name do I tell her this and she not walk out of here hating me more than she does right now?

"She wanted me, wanted to be with me." As much as I want to hold her gaze, I simply can't look her in the eye as I speak those words or the ones that follow. "It had been a long time since I felt you enjoyed being in my presence, or the feel of my touch. Long before I ever laid eyes on her, I felt you slipping away from me. I knew that what I had always known, always feared, had come to pass. That you had had enough of me, our life, and my fifty shades. I convinced myself that you had come to your senses, wanted out. I didn't think you loved me the same as you once did."

"What in the world gave you that impression?" She asks with fire in her eyes.

"Are you saying that you had not noticed the change in our affection for one another?" I ask incredulously, then plow ahead before she has the chance to answer. "Ana, for months anytime I came near you, you stiffened, you hid yourself from me, we'd stopped talking about anything but schedules and commitments that kept us apart. I started to pull back, shut down. We didn't argue or fight, we did nothing. Your smart mouth, the way you would challenge me, our sexy email banter, the kinky fuckery, it all stopped. Our passion, that pull that was once so strong, had slipped away. I thought we lost what we had, and when you refused to take the trip with me to France, the fucking South of France, Ana." I feel the old anxiety, anger, and resentment creeping up the back of my neck, determined not to let it seep into my tone further, I stop and fight for control. I let my eyes slide shut and will my hands to relax. "I thought I was losing you, I was certain of it." I've got a pretty good handle on what she is feeling; if the tears pooling in her eyes are any indication, I'm hurting her all over again. I watch as she fights the sadness, shaking her head a few times, and blinking back the tears that threaten to spill.

"Ana, swee…." I say coming to the edge of my seat, ready to dart over and catch the tears before they fall. But I'm stopped short by the angry glare directed at me.

"I can't believe what I am hearing." Her words fall like razor sharp shards of jagged glass. "You're blaming me for your fucked up dalliance?"

For a fraction of a second I sit in stunned confusion; before my legs, of their own volition, catapult me out of my chair, and in the blink of an eye I am kneeling at her feet. Not stopping to consider what I am doing, I gather both her hands in mine. Damn, I knew I would fuck this up. Fear and guilt collide so hard in my chest I find myself blinking back my own tears.

"No, dear God, no," I say, my voice husky and desperate with emotion. "Please don't think that. Ever. I don't blame you at all. This is my fucked up failing. I was just trying to tell you what I was feeling, and why."

She's not squirming, or pulling at her hands to try and get away from me, so I hold on, not daring to let go. Unshed tears burn the back of my eyes, threatening to fall, and I desperately want to wipe at my eyes before they do. An irrational fear of letting her see me cry slices through me, but in order to catch the tears I would have to release her hands and I'm unwilling to let go; so if they fall, they fall.

We sit silent for many long seconds, both of us staring at where we are joined. I raise my eyes to her face, dislodging a lone tear that tracks a single rivulet down my cheek. I am surprised to feel the warm fingers of her left hand caress my face as her thumb smoothes away the salty moisture. I am surprised partly by how quickly she disengaged our intertwined hands, but mostly by the tenderness she strokes my face with. In that moment she seems to soften, and hope blossoms anew in my soul.

"Our insecurities and fears have dictated our behavior for so long. We couldn't have possibly continued that way. Even if you hadn't done what you've done." She looks away momentarily, and seems to come to a decision..."You know what I'm not doing any longer." She pauses for a beat, I think she's awaiting answer, but she continues before I can voice one. "I'm not going to talk in euphemisms, or dress my language in politely cloaked to terms to hide the ugliness of your actions. Even if you hadn't had an affair, fucked some slut for months, the way we were going would have eventually resulted in deep resentments, hard feelings, and divorce."

"You were thinking about leaving me." A trace of self-righteousness coloring my assumption.

"No. I wasn't. Listen carefully Christian, I'm not going to allow you to turn my words around and then use those words to justify your dirty affair." I hear only a pinch of animosity in her tone, which she quickly shakes off and continues.

"That didn't occur to me until last night as I watched Kate and Elliot and how they were with each other. They are scathingly honest; they don't tip toe around each other. I don't believe they ever have to guess what the other is feeling. I'm not so naïve to believe every relationship can survive such course honesty, but ours is already in shambles, so we have nothing to lose, do we?"

How is she steely and strong, yet so compassionate and reserved? If the roles were reversed I'd be a crazed animal, incapable of reason or restraint. This Ana is a revelation to me; I see that I have much to learn from and about her. A cold filament of fear races through me as I realize what full disclosure could mean for me. I catalog in my mind what she doesn't already know…she doesn't yet know that BDSM played a huge part to deepen my attraction to Paige. Asshole, don't even think that fucking two bit con artist's name in the presence of the Goddess. You really are stupid. She doesn't yet know that Leila has risen as a specter from the past and may have orchestrated this whole mess with her manipulative ways. She doesn't yet know just how prepared I was to live the lie of a double life until fate stepped in to reveal my duplicity.

"I will admit that there are many things I'd rather you not know. I'm not hedging or deflecting, I am just horrified at having done what I've done, let alone having to watch the hurt reflecting on your beautiful face while I confess and dissect my behavior."

"Then let's start there, with what you'd rather I not know." Let the inquisition begin.

I sigh heavily, knowing this is the ending of the end, there's no coming back from what I'm about to impart. "It's no secret, everyone close to us knows I came alive when you came crashing into my life with your guileless blue eyes and sassy, smart mouth and feisty ways. The same way I came to life because of your arrival, is the same way I shriveled into the shell I am today because I thought I'd lost you, allowing the beast in me to take control."

"The beast…." She jumps like she's been touched by a live wire. Shit, could this get any worse? Then, brief relief when I see her reach in the pocket of her short sleeved hoodie and pull out her phone; a half a second later my own begins humming in my pocket.

Fucking Elliot.

I glance over to Ana to see her reading a text.

Not idiot Elliot, he's actually calling.

I swipe the screen. "What?"

"Dude, what, the actual fuck, is taking you two so long? Hurry it up; we're hungry!"

I turn my arm to look at my watch. Fuck, it's going on twelve noon, we've been talking almost two hours. For the first time I notice my knees have begun to ache, but I would have suffered the pain and knelt at her feet all afternoon just to be that close to her again. I want to give her some privacy and also say a few words to my knucklehead brother. Jumping to my feet, I turn, taking a few steps away from Ana so that I am out of ear shot.

"Saved by the bell," I low talk into the phone.

"Damn, it's like that, huh?

"Yeah, it's like that. It's getting hairy. Shit, El, I am actually afraid." I quick glance over my shoulder and I see Ana's thumbs flying over her phone and frown. She catches me looking and mouths "Kate." Nodding I turn back to my own conversation.

"Hey, you danced, now it's time to pay the piper. As endlessly entertaining as your woes are, the 'rents tasked us with contacting the two of you to ask 'What, the actual fuck, are you doing and how long will it take you to do it'?"

"Thanks for all the comforting words 'big bro', for all I care your ass could starve, tell the 'rents that we'll be done when we're through. You'll know when we are done when we walk through the door." I throw the phone like it's something offensive onto the couch.

"Elliot." I say by way of explanation.

"I got that from, 'big bro'. She states sarcastically. Smart mouth, wrong time, but I manage to keep that thought to myself.

"Look, if you'd like we can…" I'm stopped by the slow shake of her head, and the sardonic smirk gracing her lips.

"The beast," She refuses to be deterred.

I have retreated to behind the sofa, and maybe it's best I stay right here. Scrubbing my face with my hands, I know, Elliot's right, it's time to pay the piper. Grow a pair, man, bite the bullet.

My head begins a slow bob, like priming a pump, working up to actual words.

"Yes, Baby, BDSM became a factor in my affair." I owe her the respect of meeting her eye, but it is very hard to do. I want to hide my face like a five year old; if I can't see her, surly, she can't see the ugly thing I've become.

"Be-came a factor," her question a statement, as she cocks her head to the side, a gesture acquired from yours truly. "You introduced her to," she pauses for effect, "your lifestyle?"

Damage control fool, damage control.

"Yes and no. I know that sounds like hedging but it's not." I add quickly, while watching her brow beginning to furrow. Taking in a big breath, I let it fly. "As it turns out she has a friend in New York, intimately acquainted with the lifestyle…and me." The last bit I barely say above a whisper.

Realization crashes over her like a tidal wave; I watch as it happens. Will I never stop hurting this woman? There is a sudden flurry of movement, we are both in motion. She is out of her chair in a flash, backing away. I round the sofa, moving the moment I saw that terrified mask of comprehension fall. She actually looks as if she is petrified of me.

"Ana, Ana baby, you're okay." I have no clue if I am getting through to her or not. She's still backing away; I'm still advancing, though faster than she can get away. Once I reach her we are a tangle of arms, she's fighting me fiercely. I'm gentle as I can be but I have to get her to stop.

"Ana, please stop fighting me, I won't hurt you. Please stop." She is a tigress. She's not uttered a sound, she's landing some pretty serious blows, but they are not focused, she's simply trying to stay out of my grasp, hitting my chest, my arms, smacking my hands away. Worried that in her flailing she will hurt herself, I grab her wrist spinning her so that her back is to me and pull her in wrapping her tightly in my arms, molding her to me. Her breathing is labored as she grunts, twisting and bucking in a futile attempt to throw me off. It doesn't take much effort to constrain her, after a few minutes more of struggling she tires and settles down. I stand hunched over her, holding her, letting her calm in my arms. Taking advantage of the moment I bury my nose in her hair, drinking in the familiar, intoxicating scent that is pure Ana.

"Leila? You've been in contact with Leila?" I hear it, I hear fear in her voice, and it throws me completely off balance, because I can't decipher if it's of me or just there because of the person new to the discussion. I can't help but feel her slight form trembling in my arms. My grip loosens at the same time she moans a plaintive.

"Let me go."

The moment she feels my hold relax she literally rockets from my embrace, dashes from our proximity. 'Look at me', I silently demand, Look. At. Me. I have to see her eyes; I have to see with my own eyes if what I am feeling is true. The adage 'be careful what you wish for' comes to mind as I get what I've been asking for. Fear. Fear and anger reside in equal measure in her glistening glare. 'Let me go' could have one of two possible meanings. Does she mean take your hands off of me, or does she mean let me go to live my life with you on the outside looking in? So much is swirling through my head it is actually making me dizzy. Rocking, I take a stumbling step backward.

"You're afraid…of me?"

"Yes, to discover you've had contact with the woman who held a gun to my head frightens me to no end."

"I haven't, you've mistaken my meaning. I haven't spoken one syllable to Leila Williams since she left your office over three years ago, not one word."

Her look can best be described as dubious.

"I haven't even thought of Leila, not until her friend let slip that she'd been extolling the virtues of being my submissive." Instinct has me reaching for her, advancing forward once again, but her immediate retreat and narrowing eyes cause me to come to a full stop and drop my arms in defeat.

"Continue."

"That's what I wanted to speak with you about today. To tell you, warn you that we learned that, a certain person, is here in the country illegally and we have taken steps to make sure she leaves, immediately if not sooner. But I want you to be on alert for any odd messages, people that you don't know approaching you, that you know to alert someone if you get the feeling of being watched. I wasn't expecting to get into anything else, I just wanted you aware and forewarned, keep you in the loop." I suddenly feel exhausted and defeated. I flop on to the couch behind my limbs weighing heavily, and my muscles not responding to command. My head cracks the back of the couch with a noticeable thud.

"The irony is not lost on me that I started all of this by running from supposed pain, and what I feel now is so much more than I ever could have imagined." I say to the ceiling.

"Actions have consequences, Christian and we're all living with yours." I don't have the strength to lift my head or acknowledge what she's said.

"I have one last question then I am done, I've had all I can stomach for one day." She sounds as wrung out as I feel, I imagine she would be.

"Ask me anything you want to know; I won't hide anything from you, just be sure you want to know." I somehow find a reserve and haul myself into an upright position. Then she asks me the question I prayed she wouldn't.

"Have you been with her since I found out about the two of you?"

The look on my face must tell her all she needs to know. I see tears swimming in her impossibly big, blue eyes, but she refuses to let them fall. This is killing me; and I know, in this moment I am nailing my own coffin shut. But I won't lie; I won't disrespect her by lying to her ever again. So I scramble in my head for a way to soften the blow, and come up empty.

"Once, the night I left Grey Meadow for Escala."

"Do you mean the night you left us, for her?"

"No…." Her hand stops me mid-sentence.

"Thank you for not lying, you had no way of knowing, but I already knew. So that question was a test of sorts. I wanted to know if you were still capable of lying to my face, so I am happy to know that you've at least learned that lesson."

She knew, there's only one person who knew I made the biggest mistake of my life on that pivotal night…..and that person is Taylor.

Sneak Preview of 26

~Ana~

Two months later. Seattle

It is weird being back here, living here again. Maybe exciting would be a better word, because I am excited at all the new things on the horizon for me. This house holds so many memories for me and Teddy. He's the reason I decided to return to Grey Meadow. This is his home, his legacy; he's centered and grounded here, it's what he knows, so in the best interest of my son I came home. Though the ghost of our previous life here sneaks up on me on occasion, here is where I need to be.

The hall clock chimes, my musings have gotten away from me, it's already 9:00 and I told Beau we'd meet him and Cloey by 10:00.