BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Twenty-Seven
Rogue had dozed off on the couch in the rec room, she'd been reading from her book for English (she never could absorb it very well when reading it out to Remy during their studying that she often found herself having to read it alone later). It must have been close to six pm when she felt the cushions on the couch shifting as someone else sat at her side.
Blinking tiredly, she swept her hair out of her face and turned to her left to see Remy there, he was grabbing the remote for the television and turning it on.
"Sneakin' in naps, huh?" he teased.
The smell of his shower gel caught her senses, sweet and sharp...citrus fruit. It was pleasant to wake up to, made her think of candies she'd had as a child. "Yeah, Ah was tired," she yawned.
"I bet," Remy smirked almost smugly. "Sure takes it out o' y', don' it?" he asked pointedly.
"Shut up," she warned, they were not in the recreation room alone, and she didn't need his playfully reminding her about the incident in the van after school.
"Dinner is almost ready," Remy said, "Kitty is cookin' t' night, so guess what, it's vegetarian...yay!" he feigned an overly enthusiastic voice, "that was sarcasm in case y' didn' detect that."
Rogue gazed down to his left hand, sitting there on the leather couch cushion, finger absently picking a little loose flake of the ageing leather. "You don't mind vegetarian food."
"Yeah, I don' mind it when it's got flavour," he supposed, "but when she cook it got no spice, no flavour, no garlic, no herb..." he made a face of disgust, "like eatin' a moist loaf o' cardboard an' breadcrumbs."
"Kitty has a very bland palate," Rogue commented, Kitty having told her this once, "she doesn't flavour her food because she thinks it tastes fine."
"I'm gon' have t' make time t' teach her how t' cook, or somethin'," Remy supposed. "Maybe show her what chilli and garlic are actually for."
Rogue chewed her lip, pushing her hand a little closer to his on the couch. They were alone on the couch, alone in that part of the room. If she touched his hand just a little, no one was going to notice. But it would be nice for just that moment to have that amongst the others, even if it was hidden.
"You try to go in there and tell her how to cook, she'll pretty much tell you where you can put your chilli and garlic..." Rogue commented, her gloved pinkie finger near his.
"Look, I don' mind a vegetarian option every now and then, I like vegetables and all," he shrugged, "but I don' like shit that tastes like it ain' been cooked, or jus' cooked in water. Y' get stock wit' jus' vegetable in it so I don' know why she ain' usin' it. I cringe whenever I see she's on the rota f' makin' dinner..."
"So go out," Rogue shrugged, "you're not obligated to stay home for dinner."
"Well I woul' go out, but...I don' like eatin' alone," Remy pointed out with a sigh.
Rogue had the feeling that if Tabitha had been in the room, she'd have offered rather quickly to go out with him to a restaurant.
"Poor you," Rogue said sarcastically.
Remy turned to his right for a moment and looked at something else, Rogue wasn't sure why he was barely even looking at her. Was this another case of what had happened after the yacht incident? Was he embarrassed?
Drawing her breath quietly, she closed the distance between their fingers, and hooked his pinkie finger with her own. He turned immediately, dropping his eyes first to their hands, their pinkies locked comfortably; he lifted his eyes to hers, she saw the slight hopefulness, the pleasant surprise, the tiniest trace of a smile and the questioning eyebrow.
"You know..." Rogue began, wondering if she was even capable of being subtle and a flirt simultaneously. "That scent...shower gel? It's kind of nice..."
"Yeah?"
"What is that?" she leaned near and sniffed his neck.
"Lime," he said, his breath came out as a little bit of a shudder; was he nervous? Or was he excited? The thought of either made her feel a little powerful.
"Reminds me of the candies Ah used to eat when Ah was a kid...they were kinda like gumdrops...the green ones..." she breathed in his scent again.
There was giggling in the back of the room, where the computer was, Rogue looked over the back of the couch. Rahne, Ray, Jubilee and Bobby all huddled around the computer; she'd thought perhaps it was her and Remy they were laughing at but they were whispering over something they'd found on Facebook by the looks of it. No one had noticed what she'd said to Remy, no one seemed any the wiser.
If only it would stay that way...if only she could have this relationship and no one would care, but the reactions of the others in the van had proven that wrong. She was going to be ridiculed or questioned. Perhaps trying to come out with their relationship wasn't ideal right now until they'd at least gotten used to the idea she could have relationships.
"Y' readin' this wit' out me?" Remy asked, lifting her book for English.
"Yeah, Ah was just goin' over some of the stuff...there's a test next week on this stuff so...Ah don't want to be unprepared. Ah don't want to repeat this damn year again so Ah have to be extra careful this time."
"I coul' use some help studyin' after dinner," he admitted, his expression slightly serious, "I'm fallin' behind...I'm tryin' but...I don't know, I jus' don' got the head for this."
"You'll get there...you missed a lot of school over the past few years, it's not your fault..." she unhooked her pinkie from his and moved her hand over his, her heart thrumming with nervousness that someone would see this. Part of her almost wanted them to, the other part of her wanted it to be just their secret. Old habits were hard to break.
"Why don' me and you go out for pizza..." he suggested, he clasped her fingers as they twined through his. Rogue detected the tone of his voice getting deliberately louder, he was making it obvious to the others that he was asking. It didn't sound exclusively like a date, but more general, the way a friend may say 'lets go for burgers'.
Bobby turned from the computer, "are we going for pizza?" he asked sounding bright. The word pizza was one of those magic words that always seemed to be heard around the mansion. It seemed to be able to make teenagers materialise out of thin air, the mere mention of it seemed capable of turning distracted rowdy teens into focused and behaved.
Rogue released Remy's hand, feeling the threat of someone seeing now that Bobby had turned; they wouldn't be able to see from that side of the room, with the back of the couch in the way, but she still felt insecure about it either way.
"No..." Remy leaned his right arm over the back of the couch, and gazed over, "me 'n' Rogue are."
"What? You're going to not let us come?" Jubilee turned, her expression a little disappointed.
"Me 'n' Rogue got t' study f' a test next week," Remy said, "gon' do it over dinner, got a lot of stuff t' cover and ain' gon' be able t' do that wit' the rest of you harpin' on in the background fightin' over who gets the last piece o' pepperoni."
"Oh come on," Jamie groaned, "we can be quiet."
"Yeah, practise it at the table here while y' eat Kitty's delicious vegetarian whatever the fuck it is she got bakin' in that oven right now..." Remy smirked.
Rogue thought about the offer of it, it might be nice to get out alone, just them, no one else to interrupt. She wasn't sure if he was serious about the studying over pizza or not, but pizza still sounded far better than Kitty's cooking. "Ah'll go get my shoes, then we can get goin'," she stood up.
"Yeah, they're probably in Tabitha's room," teased Rahne.
"You're not even kiddin', that's the sad part," Rogue rolled her eyes.
Remy felt almost deliriously happy, despite Jean-Luc was lurking at his right side talking at him almost non-stop. The day at school had been horrendous, having to have Tabitha's father arrested had been a rather bad end to that part of the day, but things were looking up.
The Danger Room session had been rather good and although Jean-Luc had been constantly getting in his face during the entire thing, he'd somehow managed to sail through it, managed to stay focused and seemingly relaxed. At the end of the session, Logan had even (much to his surprise) commented on how well he'd actually done, a compliment he hadn't expected.
Things were starting to feel almost right. The day was getting better (unless he counted his argument with Tabitha), Rogue was starting to open up to the idea of admitting they were in a relationship, he could see her slowly working her way around it subtly. And then, on the couch, that touch...it had been a huge thing for her. He'd seen the tension in her expression, felt the tension in her hand, and yet, she'd touched him all the same. Anyone could have walked in, any of the others might have just turned and walked over and seen. It wasn't a huge step in opening up to the others about their feelings for each other, but it was something.
And now...she'd even agreed to go out for pizza with him alone. No one else was coming. People knew they were going to be alone for a few hours...for her, this wasa massive step forward.
It's jus' takin' time...she really wasn' stringin' me along wit' promises about comin' out about bein' wit' me...she really is gon' tell them, he told himself, feeling strangely content as he sat there waiting for her to come back down.
"She's jus' lettin' y' believe that. She's embarrassed about y' bein' here. Y' been here over a month now and she not so much as tol' even her closest friends...trus' me, y' in a dreamland if y' think she's gon' tell them."
Shut up, Remy thought angrily at his adoptive-father's ghost, who was sitting at his right, the smell ghastly, making him feel queasy. For the most part he'd been holding his breath to avoid breathing it in.
At his back, he could hear the others still giggling over something they were looking at on Facebook. More to do with wanting to get away from the stench of Jean-Luc than actual curiosity, he got up. "What the hell y' all laughin' at?" Remy asked.
"Nothin'," said Bobby rather hastily, he clicked the mouse and immediately the page changed from Facebook to a website about console games.
Remy pushed his way through the others, "What y' hidin' it for? Y' lookin' at porn?"
"No," Rahne blushed.
Ray grumbled, "can't get porn in this house if you try, the wifi totally blocks it. Professor X made sure of that."
Not if y' got y' own phone wit' y' own internet on it, Remy thought smugly. "C' mon, what y' all gigglin' at? Lets see..."
"Nothin'," Bobby said again, "Just Facebook stuff."
"If it's nothin', let me see."
"It's gone," Bobby assured.
"Y' think I don' got a sense of humour?" Remy asked, "Y' think I ain' seen dirty pictures or ain' heard a dirty joke before?" he nudged Bobby out of the way, grabbed the mouse and clicked on the tab at the top of the browser page that showed Facebook. The page there wasn't really what he'd expected. He wasn't particularly sure what he was looking at.
The others were silent.
"Rubber underpants..." Remy said confusedly. "What's...so...fu-" his eyes dropped, the link had been sent privately in a message from Jamie to Bobby, the comment 'Rogue's boyfriend needs dis' was there. "Move," Remy pushed them out of the way so he could look closer. It wasn't so much as rubber underpants as much as it was some kind of crude and obscene looking latex button-on sex accessory, there was a tube in the front of the rather vile looking monstrosity for accommodating an erection. The tag line called it the 'scroguard...the safest way to have sex without skin-to-skin contact'.
He'd been having a good day until he'd seen this. His temper flared immediately; his mood had been flapping around like a flag in angry weather for most of the day, it had almost dipped thanks to Rogue but now...he couldn't refrain from letting it shoot up again right now. Especially not for this.
"Y' see, son, the idea of her havin' a relationship wit' anyone is nothin' but a joke," Jean-Luc laughed.
"Y' think this funny?" Remy turned to look at them all, his chest tightened, his blood beginning to boil.
"Oh come on," Bobby forced a nervous grin, "you have to admit, it's pretty funny..."
"Is it?" Remy asked, "Y' friend tells y' she has someone, and the first thing y' go an' do is look up this shit so y' can ridicule her behind her back!?"
"We weren't ridicu-" Jubilee began, looking a little panicked.
"Y' think it's funny t' have those kind of limitations? Y' think it's funny that someone woul' have t' wear somethin' like that t' have the kin' o' intimacy the rest o' you are gon' take f' granted when y' grow up?!" he snapped. "That's if y' ever fuckin' do!"
"Calm down, man..." Ray put his hands up, "You're taking this far too seriously..."
"No, it's you who ain' takin' this seriously enough," Remy warned.
"It was just a little joke..." Rahne tried weakly.
"Really?" Remy asked, "what woul' y' have said if I had sent one of these guys a link wit' a razor advertisement tellin' them that y' boyfriend was gon' need one of these t' find y' fuckin' pussy!" he growled, "Y' find it funny then? Y' find that a joke?!"
Rahne's eyes widened, her lips trembled a little, hurt at the insult, he saw the threat of tears but in no way wanted to offer an apology.
"Hey, that's out of line!" Ray stepped in front of Rahne, "you-"
"Isn't that?!" Remy gestured wildly towards the screen, "y' don' think that's out o' fuckin' line?!"
"It was a joke!" Bobby tried.
"There's no need to fly off the handle and get insulting..." Jamie said meekly, "It wasn't supposed to be mean..."
"Rahne didn't deserve-" Ray spoke up to Remy, trying his best to look threatening.
Remy straightened up trying to use his height and better build to tower over the younger teens, "Y' think Rogue did?!"
"What's all the yelling?!" snapped Logan's voice from the door, "you guys were supposed to be setting the table five minutes ago..."
Bobby tried to quickly hide the link again, but before he could, Remy yanked the wireless mouse from his hand and threw it out of reach; he heard it cracking against the wall, heard the batteries rolling across the wood. Logan moved over, his expression darkening as he caught the image on the screen.
"What the f-" he caught himself, "hell is that meant to be..."
"It's..." Rahne's voice came in a stammer, "it's...a sort of...uhm..."
Bobby uncomfortably said under his breath, "condom..."
Remy glanced towards Logan, he knew what was coming. Logan's eyes caught the same private message...caught the same comment. He saw the older man's eyes flicker with absolute disgust, with true anger.
Logan didn't even hesitate, Remy had anticipated he would lose his cool, would start yelling, but instead, he pulled the plug from the computer unceremoniously from the wall, and lifted the entire thing up, "you just lost your computer privileges," he announced.
"What?!" Bobby gasped.
"All of you," he said, "laptops, tablets, smart phones, anything with internet access to it, I'll be taking it. You'll get it all back in a month."
"But what about homework!" gasped Jubilee. "We need the internet for homework!"
"Looks like you'll be cracking open a book instead of wikipedia and google," Logan frowned. "You're all grounded, you're all on double chores. And I warn you...any of this gets out to Rogue...and it'll be more than a month of internet ban."
"But-" the others began chasing Logan out of the rec room as he carried the desktop computer away, plug dangling behind it. Remy heard the pleading as it carried on down the hall.
Remy drew a breath, trying to calm himself. The internet ban didn't make him feel all that vindicated for Rogue.
"Y' shoul' have kicked their asses...smacked them. Y' gon' let kids get away with that shit?"
Remy swallowed hard. Maybe you'd do that. Not me.
"Y' weak."
So y' keep tellin' me, Remy thought dully, his happy mood had quickly subsided. Fuck, Rogue was right about everythin'.
"Y' wouldn' have this problem if y' went wit' someone normal, son."
Shut up! Remy thought angrily.
"Uhm...did Ah miss somethin'?"
Remy turned to the door, Rogue was standing there pulling on a different pair of gloves, she'd changed her clothes, a red plaid blouse with a peter pan collar, the fabric just thin enough so that he could see the hint of her bra, but not sheer enough that he could see it entirely. Was she actually making the effort? Had she dressed for a date? He tried to let his appreciation for how she looked overshadow his anger, but it was still there.
"She can try t' look good f' y' all she want, she never gon' be good enough," Jean-Luc snapped.
"Huh?" he asked, slightly distracted by Jean-Luc.
"Where'd the computer go?" she gestured to the empty desk.
"Oh...Logan took it," he drew a breath, "caught them lookin' at stuff they shouldn' have been lookin' at."
"Really?" Rogue asked, intrigued, "what was it?"
Somethin' that'd devastate y', Remy thought wincing inwardly. "I'll tell y' when we're outside," he said. He needed time to think of something that was absurd enough to believe Logan would ban the computer for a month.
"I saw Scott on the way down," Rogue said, nodding the way to the garage, "he says we can borrow his car."
"Long as you the one behind the wheel, right?" he asked.
"Absolutely," Rogue smirked.
"Don' know what he's so afraid of...I'm a better driver than you are," Remy rolled his eyes as he followed her.
"Sure, that's why your car is scrap metal right now...because you're a good driver," she rolled her eyes. "So come on," Rogue said when they finally got to the garage, she got into the red convertible and slipped the key into the ignition, "what was it the kids were lookin' at that got them the ban?"
Remy got into the passengers side and pulled his seatbelt on; it was something he always made sure to do now since that crash. "Guy with two dicks."
"A guy with two dicks?" Rogue gaped, she opened the garage door and pulled the car out, "That's not even possible..."
"It is," he assured, he switched the radio until he found something he wanted to hear; an Eagles song.
"How would you know?" Rogue led the car down the drive and through the gates.
"I saw it too, looked over the couch...I tell you...there's no question what it was, chere."
Rogue laughed slightly uncomfortably, "Maybe it was photo-shopped..."
"No, it was a video...video wit' a guy wit' two dicks...both had hardons, he was jerkin' them both off at the same time..." he lied. Maybe he was going too far with the lie? It had to be absurd though or she wasn't going to believe Logan would be that angry.
"Are you serious?!" Rogue's mouth fell open.
"Yeah," he lied effortlessly, "both hands, fully. First I wasn' even sure what it was...thought maybe it was someone tryin' t' milk a dried up cow..."
"Ew!"
"And those perverted kids jus' stood there watchin' the whole thing...Logan was not amused."
"Ah bet."
"Anyway, he took the computer, banned them from usin' internet for a month, and said if they ever talked about it again, it'd be a ban f' way longer. Anyone who talks about it gettin' a ban...even us."
"How didn't it get filtered? All the computers are set up to filter stuff like that..."
"Someone posted it on their personal Facebook from another site, I guess the filterin' didn't work."
Rogue frowned a little, "Ah think you're makin' this up."
"Look, if y' like I can show y'," he offered, he pulled out his phone and made a point to start playing with it as if he was going to find it. He was almost certain if he did a search on a pornography site on his phone, that there'd be something like that somewhere. There were a lot of unusual people in the world with some quite unusual bodies and in his experience, some of them liked the exhibitionism too. He was certain if the internet could have a woman with three breasts, then there was certainly going to be a man with two penises.
"No...no thanks," Rogue made a face, turning onto the main road in to town, "Ah'm...really not into that."
"Jus' as well f' my sake...that's somethin' I really can't live up t'," he supposed, "It'd be weird t' have somethin' that unique."
"Seems to me it'd be sort of an awkward curse..."
"Depends on what y' predilections are, I suppose..." he shrugged.
"Why the hell would anyone want two dicks?" Rogue wondered aloud, her expression quite adorably mystified.
"I guess if y' were in t' multi-taskin', it'd come in handy?" he shrugged, he hadn't given the situation all that much consideration himself. This was all something he'd made up to begin with (although he was certain it must exist somewhere).
"Multi-taskin'..." she repeated, her expression went sour, "what the fuck are you talkin' about..."
"Y' know, dependin' on the orientation, I guess it'd be possible t'...uh...do a two f' one deal or somethin'..."
"Sick..." she swallowed hard, she did not seem amused with the thought. "Is this the kind of sick thing you're into?"
"No..."
"'Cause you've clearly given it some thought."
"No...it's jus' off the top o' my head," he replied honestly.
"Ain' off the top of your head, y' got a sick twisted mind where it's always at the forefront o' it," Jean-Luc cackled.
Only twisted part o' me seems t' be the part of me that you're stuck t', Remy rubbed the back of his neck, the voice, the presence, it brought such tension that it made his muscles almost sore. He'd been able to tolerate the bastard long enough today, but his patience was wearing thin now. He'd run out of cough syrup (the only thing that vaguely silenced the bastard) and he hadn't had the chance to go down to the sickbay and get another bottle.
All I want is a few hours alone wit' Rogue, he thought unhappily.
"All I want is t' have my life back, y' think y can accommodate that?"
Ain' my fault y' fuckin' died, Remy thought, head pounding with the stress of reliving this all again.
"While we've dropped into this subject, Ah should make it clear right now..." Rogue began, "the things we do in private..."
"Hmm?" he asked, turning to look at her curiously.
"Ain' it?" Jean-Luc demanded. "Y' think y' innocent in all this!?"
"It stays the way it is."
"Huh?" he asked blankly.
"The way things are now...that's it."
"Y' gave me a fuckin' death sentence, pair o' y'!"
Rogue kept going on, "Nothin' will ever change that...Not even when you give me a dose of those eyes, not when you start doin' that thing with your voice and your hands...the whole...seductive manipulation deal. Got it?"
"Y' seriously gon' take that f' the likes o' her?" Jean-Luc demanded angrily. "She y' wife, love, honour and obey, y' don' take orders f' her!"
Remy struggled to keep telling himself the bastard wasn't there, he couldn't concentrate on the both voices going on at him at once.
"I don' know what y' talkin' about," he remarked, struggling to truly understand what was being talked about here.
"I know you're used to certain things, and used to slightly more...uh...loose and adventurous girls," she frowned a little, "But Ah don't fly that way and Ah never will."
"Y' stick around f' this f' the rest o' y' sorry excuse f' a life? This why I died? So y' coul' live this bullshit? F' teenage fumblin' in back seats and shit sex goin' through the motions wit' this bitch fakin' everythin' jus' so she can keep y' f' strayin'..."
Shut up! Remy thought desperately, trying to clear his mind. It was so hard to focus, he was talking right over Rogue, he couldn't determine what exactly was being said here.
"I'm not sure what y' gettin' at," he commented uncomfortably, he truly didn't. All he'd heard was Jean-Luc's ugliness.
"Oh yeah y' do," Jean-Luc chuckled darkly.
"Yes you do..." she tried.
"No..." he fought for the concentration, "Y' kind o' confusin' me."
"Remy...Ah've made it clear, we haven't changed subject...what the hell is wrong with you?"
"It's her who wrong, son," Jean-Luc hissed near his ear. "Y' don' got t' take them orders f' a woman, y' give her the back hand and y' take what y' want when y' want it, y' don' take orders."
"Sorry..." he turned the radio down, it'd barely been loud but it was the only excuse he had. "Got distracted...that's one of my favourite songs...say it again..."
Rogue raised an eyebrow, glancing towards him briefly, "Ah'm talkin' about the other stuff in sex..."
"Y' ain' that dense, Remy," Jean-Luc hissed.
"Uhm...what other stuff?" Remy asked.
"You know..."
"Oh, y' know it so well, son."
"Pretty sure I don'," he commented.
"The stuff you were just talkin' about...that whole...multi-taskin' thing...Ah'm not that stupid. Ah know what you were hintin' at..."
"I...wasn't hintin'..." he tried helplessly, trying to keep up with the discussion, feeling like he was in a race and she was miles ahead while he hadn't even managed to keep an even pace.
"The tappin' on the back door stuff," she winced, he could tell even the phrasing of it made her extremely uncomfortable.
"Oh...I see," he let his arm rest on the door of the car, he tried to relax, his body tense and cringing. He couldn't deal with this subject. Not right now. Why couldn't he have predicted that his choice of lie over the computer situation would have led to this?
When y' think on y' feet, sometimes y' toes get trampled on, he thought unhappily.
The girl winced again, she took a deep breath, "Look...Ah don' mind the...flavoured rubbers...the friskiness and the...gettin' together...Ah even kind of like it sometimes. Ah don't mind touchin' you even though that thing is the grossest lookin' thing in the world..."
"Oh gee, thanks," he made a face.
"Fine, it's magnificent, whatever," she rolled her eyes at him, "all the other stuff...it's fine. But...not that...never that. Ah just don't see that as bein' in any way remotely...interestin'."
"Okay," he agreed, he gazed at the scenery flying past them. He was almost apt to believe that was going to be it, that she'd be satisfied enough that he had agreed simply with no argument.
"Ah know it's probably not what you wanted to hear..."
"I get it."
"Yeah, y' get it..." Jean-Luc laughed cruely. "Y' got it too, didn' y'?"
Shut up! Remy thought at the cruel bastard, struggling to keep calm. Why the fuck d' y' never shut up?!
"Yeah, you get it. Guys say that...Ah've heard about so many guys sayin' that..." she began, "but Ah've heard so many girls at school talkin' in the bathrooms about how they were-"
"Maybe they was really askin' for it," Jean-Luc chuckled.
Something snapped, his tension was like a frayed rubber band that burst under the weight of too many things being suspended from it at once and he almost yelled out the response, "Jesus, f' fucks' sake, Rogue, I get it. Okay? Anyone gets it, it's me, okay?"
Rogue fell silent immediately; he had the feeling she'd have slowed the car if they hadn't been caught in traffic already. Her expression was clouded with such concern and he groaned inwardly, the distant laughing of Jean-Luc seemed to echo away to nothingness. Had he just abandoned him to this nightmare now? Was that what he had wanted?
He caught the split second in her face where she struggled to come to terms with this information, tried to somehow process what these things meant and how she was supposed to react. "Fuck...sorry, Ah..."
"I think I'd quite like t' have stuffed crust..." he decided to change the subject swiftly; he couldn't stand her pity or her apologies. "Somethin' wit lots of chilli...enough t' blow the mouth off me...and garlic...tons of it...I mean, fuck it, we can eat as much garlic as we want without sickenin' each other, not like we're gon' French t' night," he rambled.
Rogue glanced towards him as she slowed at a stop light, "Remy..."
"What y' have a cravin' f', chere?" he asked, "spicy beef? Pepperoni? Maybe Hawaiian? Jesus, no...don't get Hawaiian...pigs and pineapples were never meant t' marry even on a pizza..."
"Remy..." she tried again, her voice trembling.
Make it go away, make it go away, Remy thought desperately at himself.
"Garlic bread...and loaded skins...buffalo wings too...I'm starvin' now, jus' thinkin' about it," Remy kept going on; he could even hear it in his own voice that there was strain, he fought to control it, keep his tone neutral, never release the welling of emotion and anger that was close to escaping. "Pizza place on Chestnut street has fantastic wings..."
"Ah...guess Ah could go for some wings," she said very uneasily, finally sensing his discomfort, his urgency to change the subject. She lowered her eyes to the steering wheel, her expression a little lost.
His muscles began to slowly release the tension as she dropped the subject, he let his head rest back against the seat, "Y' got the book f' school right?"
"Yeah, Sugar..." she nodded slowly, "Ah got the book."
Rogue wasn't sure what to do with what had come out in the car. Everything had quickly changed, in one instant the entire mood had shifted. She'd never have believed that the conversation was going to lead that way, because somehow, it had all gone to the back of her mind about Jean-Luc and Remy's time with him. Now she felt incredibly thoughtless and tactless. She realised it wasn't entirely her fault, his topic of discussion had led them both down that path, but she realised perhaps she should have tried to change the subject rather than encourage it.
All she'd been trying to do was make sure he understood the rules of their private relationship while the subject seemed somewhat appropriate an the discussion had been on the table. She hadn't had a single thought it might take the discussion somewhere else...that it might be inappropriate instead.
Now she couldn't get it out of her mind, she felt horrified with herself and incredibly guilty. There'd been things she'd asked him to tell her that he'd avoided, and now she understood why.
He never meant to say that, she realised, staring down at the pizza they were sharing. She'd only managed to eat two thin slices, her appetite was not at all good following the discussion in the car. She'd forced herself to eat half the buffalo wings just to appease him, she'd eaten a few of the slices of garlic bread too, and a couple of the breaded mushrooms...but she was struggling. She felt sick, not hungry, and it was nothing to do with how filling the food was.
Remy on the other hand was stuffing his face, he was acting normally now, pretending to be fine, picture of perfect serenity, no one would know anything bad had happened.
How can he do that? She wondered. How can he take somethin' so devastatin' and just sit there devourin' pizza and pretendin' like things are fine?
She supposed the answer was simple, he'd had to do it before, it was second nature. He'd probably been that way since he was a child. Remy was one of those rare people who were sometimes impeccable at painting over the cracks in the walls that held him together. The cracks were still there, without doubt, but the paint was so thick and slapped on with such precision none of them were remotely obvious if you didn't happen to have a magnifying glass.
You know what happens when there's cracks in a wall, Rogue thought, her mind drifted to the wall in the downstairs hallway that had been cracked during an attack on the mansion; it had been poorly repaired and painted but the cracks had still shown through for months until eventually it had started flaking, tiny chunks falling out until eventually the wall had cracked all the way along.
Remy was just like that wall...in a rare moment in the car, a chunk of the wall had fallen out; he'd picked it up, cemented it back in, but the structure wasn't any stronger for it. If anything, it was growing weaker...the fact that he'd said those things at all only proved it.
It was heartbreaking to think of and she couldn't shift it from her thoughts. Even as she read to him the passages from their book for English class, her mind kept drifting. She was repeating words from a book almost as if she were on autopilot...her mind was somewhere else completely, lost in a world of horrible vile things she didn't want to be thinking of.
When eventually she had stopped to take a break as the pizza arrived, she found it hard to get comfortable in conversation with him. She was caught again between wanting to ask about his revelation in the car, and wanting to never know. To think of it was horrible, it just would not leave her head. She'd been fighting with trying to get it out of her head really since the day of the funeral, but it had been much easier to push aside and slightly distract herself from when she hadn't know the full extent of it, when Remy hadn't elaborated on it.
All he had said was one thing, one strangely vague and yet all too telling thing. It was as if he'd taken one of his kinetically charged cards and thrown it right then in the car, let it go off...it was impossible to ignore that it had happened. She could sit pretending all she wanted to that the conversation hadn't happened and so could he, but it didn't change the fact that this 'bomb' had been let off and now there was singe marks and damage that were being stepped around instead of being looked at.
If he said it, maybe he wants to get it off his chest, Rogue tried to reason with herself. We can't go on like this, him refusin' to talk about it and gettin' more frustrated by the day. God, this is difficult...Ah don't know what Ah'm supposed to do or...how to help him. The more Ah push, the more he avoids talkin'...
"How y' like the pizza?" Remy asked, for the most part he'd been listening to her reading out the passages since they had arrived at the restaurant, he hadn't said too much else other than to comment how good the food was. He'd filled the silence with anything other than what was clearly raging through his unhappy thoughts.
Must take a lot of restraint to be like that, she realised. She was certain in the same situation she'd have never coped the way he had.
"It's fine," she supposed, "Ah've had better..."
"Not in Bayville, y' ain'," He assured. "Ain' anywhere else in town does Pizza this good. Kind of sad, really, y' got t' drive f' at least thirty miles, really t' get a good pizza..."
"Ah suppose you could make your own."
"I make a good pizza..." he admitted, "maybe come my turn t' do dinner we get the shit and make some pizzas t' gether, huh?" he offered.
"Sounds like a plan," she supposed.
"Course...y' might need t' switch wit' someone on the rota so we can do it t' gether," he shrugged.
"Yeah," she realised. Would that make things obvious to the others about her feelings for Remy? She was getting so tired of having to think these things out. Right now, she was far too tired to really consider it. Her eyes trailed across the pizza restaurant absently; already the place was full of Halloween decorations. It felt like barely weeks ago it'd been summer and now the leaves were off the trees outside and there were black shiny bats hanging from the ceiling. "Ah can't believe it's already so late in the year..." she sighed, feeling the need to find a change of subject.
"I know," he said, "felt like a couple week ago we was havin' a vacation f' summer, now...it's October..." he seemed amused, "course, y' like October, don' y'."
"Yeah, Ah love the colours of the leaves on the trees...the food-" she began.
"I'm talkin' about Halloween," he grinned.
"You think just 'cause Ah'm goth that Ah must automatically love Halloween?"
"Y' sittin' there wearin' a necklace wit' a coffin on it...y' got dark purple lipstick on..." he gestured, "y' think it wasn' gon' be obvious?" he asked with a laugh.
"And here Ah was thinkin' Ah was playin' it down..." she glanced down at her necklace, it was dangling almost between her cleavage and she realised it was no wonder he'd noticed. She twisted the tiny pewter coffin pendant around on the chain absently, she wondered if it made him think of his father's funeral.
"Don' y' ever get sick o' wearin' shit wit' skulls and skeletons and spiderwebs and shit on it?"
"Not really," she shrugged, "Way Ah see it, Ah should try to get it out of my system before, you know, Ah'm supposed to be a grown up."
"An' how y' think a grown up supposed t' dress?" he asked, "like Ororo?"
"Like the way you had me dressin' in St. Tropez," she responded. "All the fancy chiffon blouses...Ah mean...what the fuck, Remy, seriously? Ah looked like a fifteen year old tryin' to dress like her forty year old housewife of Orange County..."
"Y' looked very chic in France," Remy explained simply. "I jus' thought y' woul' find it fun t' try and dress like a rich celebrity..."
"They weren't really me."
"Yeah?" he raised an eyebrow. "I've seen y' wear that burgundy blouse I got y' at least four times since we got back."
"Yeah...Ah like that blouse," she shrugged.
"Y' liked it so much, y' put a fuckload o' safety pins in it so it'll never fall apart," he smirked.
She looked down, her face turning pink a little at the joke, "yeah, well, it...needed a little somethin'."
"What y' do wit' y' clothes is y' own choice, chere," Remy shrugged. He paused, "y' school has a Halloween party, don' they?"
"Costume party, every year. It's the only school party Ah really go to..." she explained.
"Last year," he leaned back in his seat, "Y' went as bride of Frankenstein...I saw y'."
"You saw that?" she blinked. "You were spyin' on me then?"
"Yeah," he replied. "Y' were stunnin', y' know...even though y' was painted green and y' dress wasn' really all that hot..." he gave a slight smirk, "I thought y' looked far better than Jean's typical Little Red Ridin' Hood..."
"She won the costume prize," Rogue made a face, "she won three years in a goddamn row. But she ain't there this year, so maybe Ah actually have a chance."
"Y' thought about what y' goin' as this year?" he asked. He seemed rather comfortable with the subject, and she was glad to feel the same right now.
"Ah don't know..." she shrugged, "What do you think Ah should go as?"
He tilted his head and examined her, "Cruella DeVille...wit' that hair, shoul' be easy..."
Rogue touched her hair absently, "no...Ah don't think so."
"How about goin' as Kate Beckinsale in that vampire movie y' like?"
"Underworld?" she asked, "Ah'd need some blue contacts...and Ah'd need to dye this..." she grabbed a handful of her white streak, "and dyein' it never turns out well..."
"Could get y' a good wig," he offered.
"Ah don't think people would really know who Ah was meant to be," she commented. "Maybe Ah'll go as a ghost."
Remy frowned a little at her, "no...don'...not as a ghost. Not a zombie either."
"How come?"
"Y' wan' be somethin' different, don' y'?" he answered after a moment, his expression a little dark. "Oh...I got it..." he chewed his lip, "go as Carrie."
Rogue blinked, "Carrie..." she repeated, "wow...that's...actually not a bad idea...Ah don't think anyone at Bayville highhas ever gone as Carrie..."
"See, I'm not jus' a pretty face..." he smirked a little, "Y', uhm..." he ran his finger along the edge of his glass of cola, "Y' thought about if y' goin' t' go wit' a date or anythin'?"
"A date?" she repeated.
"Y' know...like that emo kid wit' the green hair that supposedly is int' y'," he smirked.
"Oh yeah, sure, Ah'll ask him," she rolled her eyes.
"Y' could ask me," Remy said pointedly.
Rogue raised an eyebrow at him, "Are you tryin' to be coy?"
"No...why? Is it workin'?"
God, he's so convincin'...how can he be so damn normal right now? She thought, almost disturbed by how well he played it out.
"How's that goin' to look?" she asked, "when you made a point of makin' everyone know Ah have a boyfriend, and Tabitha knows you're married."
"Why don' we take Tabitha aside and clear things up?" he suggested, "be real straight wit' her that..."
"How you goin' to explain it?"
"Wait, y' think I shoul' be the one t' explain it?" he asked with a vague laugh.
"You're not expectin' me to be the one..." she frowned.
"You the one who tol' her I was married."
"Only because Ah know she's crazy about you..."
"Y' shoul' have been honest."
"And you should have been honest with her, Remy," Rogue pointed out, "You knew she liked you...you must have known, you're not oblivious, you've had more girls and women than Ah've had hot dinners, you're not gonna miss the signs."
"I did," Remy sighed, "what can I say? My head has been up my ass lately..."
"Am' not sure Ah believe that," Rogue commented.
"Believe what y' like. My head has been elsewhere, and y' know that. Look, I had the sense but...I didn' think it was gon' be a big deal...I mean from what I heard she was fickle when it came t' guys...didn' think it was gon' be anythin' really. Time went on and I ignored it, she'd already pretty much fallen head over heels f' me."
"Head over heels?" Rogue shook her head, "you are so full of yourself, aren't you?"
He raised an eyebrow at her, "Y' seen my abs, right? This face? I got the goods..."
"You think that's all women are interested in? You think that's all Ah'm interested in?" Rogue frowned a little.
"No...I think y' like my dick too."
Rogue rolled her eyes, fighting to act just as normal as he was, "whatever."
"Look," Remy said, his expression quite serious, "I have spoken t' Tabitha about things, I've tol' her I love my wife, that there ain' no one gon' change it."
"And Ah'm still surprised she hasn't spread it around like wildfire that you're married," Rogue confessed, "'cause usually by now...it'd be all over the mansion. She's never been good at keeping secrets."
"Not true," Remy replied.
"What?" Rogue stared across at him, "what do you mean that's not true? Does she know somethin-"
Remy interrupted her, "it's not true if she knows I'm married and the rest of the mansion thinks this..." he held up his hand to show his wedding ring, "is jus' a silver ring I foun' in the street. Clearly she can and has been capable of keepin' a secret."
"Oh," Rogue said. She stared down into her drink, she was suddenly met with the worry yet again of how it would feel if Tabitha were to know things about Remy that she herself did not. She seemed to know things, she'd alluded to that but never really made it completely clear. Rogue tried to remember what it was Remy had said to her...that he hadn't told Tabitha anything that she herself didn't already know.
"F' that matter," Remy added, "No one knows much about her life...really."
"We know enough," Rogue shrugged. "We know she's from a broken home...and that her dad used to make her use her powers so they could break into banks and stores to rob them. Other than that, Ah suppose you're right...we have no clue what her home life was like before that."
Remy stared across at her, "Y' never asked?"
"Wasn't my place..." Rogue shrugged. "Ah don't think she'd have told me even if Ah had, Ah always got the impression she was ashamed of her family."
"Gee, like the rest o' us don' know that feelin'," he grumbled.
"Whenever her dad would call she'd avoid answerin' or slam the phone down on him...he used to try and visit but she got a restrainin' order...He was arrested a couple of times, Ah mean the guy is a real bum," Rogue swirled her straw around in her drink.
"Sounds like it," Remy agreed, a dark look on his face.
Rogue grabbed a piece of pizza and lifted it to her lips, about to take a bite, feeling her appetite begin to pick up a little again, when Remy commented something she didn't expect him to come out with at the dinner table.
"I don' ever wan' be a father."
She lowered the pizza slowly, staring across the table at him worriedly.
"They say history repeats itself...that the kind o' life y' lead when y' a kid is probably the kind o' life y' gon' give y' own..." he sighed, "the things y' go through are deep rooted...instilled in y' and no matter how hard y' try, some things y' can't stop from happenin'..."
"Remy..." Rogue managed, the thought made her uncomfortable. What was he suggesting? Was he suggesting that he was afraid he may be exactly like Jean-Luc?
"Sometimes I lose my temper...wit' the younger kids in the institute...and-"
"You lose your head because sometimes they deserve to have the head lost at them," Rogue frowned, "It doesn't mean you're cruel...or that you have some kind of..." she stopped herself. Some kind of what?
"Some kind o' sickness?" he asked, finishing it for her. "Sometimes I wonder."
"You wonder what?"
"Doesn't matter," he shook his head, he reached over, grabbed her arm and pulled it towards him, he took a bite from her pizza, "lets jus' eat and get out of here."
Rogue tried to make sense of what he'd said, her stomach was churning too much at the thought of what might be swirling around in his mind, she couldn't eat any more now. She put the pizza down and wiped her bare hands on a tissue then slipped her gloves on, "Sugar...Ah know there's...things you have goin' on in your life...and Ah think maybe you want to tell me but...you're scared that if you do..."
"I'm not scared," he looked away from her, his expression almost angry. What the hell was he looking at? There was nothing there, but he kept glancing towards the same spot.
"Look at me..." she sighed.
He glanced towards her briefly, but away again, he seemed to be chewing the inside of his cheek, his expression dark and deep; she both wanted to know what was going on in his head and prayed to god she'd never have to.
"Look at me," she reached over and took his face in both gloved hands and turned his head towards her. "There's no need to be scared..."
"I'm not scared..." he assured, he dropped his eyes to the table, "I jus' know how it's gon' work," he gently took her hands from his face and put them down on the table, clasping them there, "I know what I have t' say will change things, and I know that once y' hear what y' askin' t' hear...y' never gon' look at me the same again."
"That's not true..."
"No?" he asked, "chere, if I tol' y' the dark things...y' never gon' see the light in me again..."
"There's darkness in me too..." she pointed out helplessly, hoping that it'd at least give him something to identify with.
He paused, leaning back in his chair with a sigh, letting go of her hands, "Y' remember what I said once about you bein' like the moon?"
Rogue nodded slowly, it'd been perhaps one of the most romantic things that had ever been said to her in her life. She was never going to forget it. "The moon though...it...has a dark side...you know that, right?"
"Yeah, I know it," he replied, "But...from here...y' never see the dark side o' the moon...y' only see the light...y' might see it wanin'...waxin'...full like the belly o' a Buddha, but one thing y' never see...is the dark side..." he tilted his head, "when I look at you...all I see is the light...all I feel is y' pull...my tides are movin'...my world keeps spinnin'..."
Rogue lowered her eyes, she wanted to be touched, but she couldn't help but feel his words were merely romantic poetry to distract her.
"Y' need t' remember what I am...I'm the Earth, Marie," he reminded, "there's deserts, and wasteland, barren fields and icy tundra and nothin' but cold, dark water f' miles...and if the moon stays focused on the darkness o' that water too long the tides will unavoidably change...everythin' is gon' flood...the Earth as y' know it...it ain' gon' be the Earth no more."
She sighed inwardly.
"Everythin' around me will get sucked int' the water..." he said, "I'm already up t' my waist in col' freezin' water, Rogue...and the more y' push, the further it's gon' climb. Y' need t' move my tides...pull it away from me...not push it toward me...y' need t' light my world...even if it means tryin' t' jus' waitin' f' the dark clouds in my atmosphere t' shift..."
Rogue sighed, "You should have signed up for creative writin' and poetry."
"Wouldn' do much good," He shrugged, "Y' the only one I'd ever write it for..." he picked up the pizza. "So...y' gon' go t' the Halloween thing as Carrie, huh?" he changed the subject so miraculously and effortlessly that it left her head spinning.
"Ah...uhm...yeah...maybe..." she tried to compose herself. He needs me to drop the subject, it's hurtin' him, she realised unhappily. "What are you going as?"
"Don' know if I'm even goin'..." he replied, he took a bite.
"Why not?"
"I don' really think it'd be right t' go on my own..." he pointed out, "Tabitha may hang aroun' me all night tryin' t' charm me...I'd be kind o' vulnerable."
"Hah!" she scoffed.
"Maybe if I had a date..." he trailed off.
"Real subtle, sugar," Rogue drew a breath and rolled her eyes at him, she fought to be half as convincingly normal as he could be. If he wanted to pretend they hadn't just talked about what they had seconds ago, then for now, she was willing to go along with it.
"Y' know what Halloween is?" he asked, his expression thoughtful.
"What?" she asked.
"The day before my birthday," he replied, he looked at her, his expression rather firm. "And...I think I know what I want as a birthday present."
Rogue groaned, "don't say it..." she pleaded, she had a sense she knew exactly what he was going to ask for.
"I want y' t' ask me t' that dance, Marie," he said, he leaned forward, "in front of everyone, I want everyone t' hear y' say it."
"That's it?" she asked. It couldn't be that simple surely.
"No..." he shook his head, "I want everythin' on Halloween, the hand holdin', the dancin'...I wan' be able t' look y' in the eye wit' out y' carin' who can see us."
Rogue's heart pounded at what he was asking.
"And...on my birthday, I want t' be able t' start bein' public about this...no more hidin', no more secrets..."
"What about Tabitha?" Rogue tried unhappily.
"We'll deal with Tabitha."
"Wouldn't you just...rather get laid or somethin'?" she asked hopefully.
"No," he replied quietly, "I know what I want, you know what I want...I've circled the date on the calender, I've folded the corner of the page in the book of gifts...Y' know when and what...it's up t' you now. I know it's in y' price range."
"You wouldn't rather have an Xbox?" she offered. All right, so he'd probably technically be paying for his own Xbox with the money he dropped in her account, but the thought was still there, wasn't it?
He shook his head slowly, "Look, we're already halfway there...y' admitted y' got someone in y' life...y' even took my hand in the rec room and someone coul' have seen..." he pointed out. "I've been patient, and I've waited...I played it exactly how y' want it but enough is enough."
She sighed. Enough was enough, this was exhausting, and the excuses and limitations were getting harder every day.
"Y' ready f' this, Marie...I know y' are...y' lettin' y' guard down..."
Why can't you let yours down? She wondered at him.
"Please...this is what I'm askin' f'. I ask for so little, and y' know that..."
"Ah know," she agreed. She supposed he did ask for very little other than a little of her attention and time. How was she supposed to deny him this on his birthday? Rogue sighed softly, "Ah'll think about it."
"Really?" he asked hopefully.
"Really," she promised, "Ah really will."
End of Part Twenty-Seven
Just a fast weekend update; thanks to all who sent in reviews, it means a whole lot to me! Hopefully you all liked this chapter! Going to rush this part as I have to go have dessert before it melts. Love you all :)