When I finally awaken, night has fallen across the eastern seaboard.
A frigid breeze rolls over me and it takes me a few moments to reorient myself. I go to push myself up off the ground, only to find that I am laying in a patch of grass. Though my memory is hazy, the last thing I remember before the darkness is passing out in Alexandria with Carl kneeling over me. And that's when another thought hits me. Carl! I jolt up from my laying position and immediately regret it. Soreness and slight pain jolts through my joints and particularly the areas in which I was wounded during the fighting. I wince as I allow the stabbing pain to go away and adjust my sight to my surroundings. Nearby, a fire crackles, warming the air nearby me. Near the edge of what I can only assume to be a makeshift camp, Michonne stands watch, her back to me. Behind me, I hear twigs and leaves snapping, and I quickly swivel around in time to see Daryl Dixon emerging from the woods with two dead rabbits in tow.
Boy am I happy to see him.
I could have sworn he was a goner.
"Well, look who's up." Daryl says upon seeing me watching him.
The sound of his voice causes Michonne to turn to investigate what is going on and her usual stoic expression melts into relief when she too sees me sitting by the fire. The redneck approaches me, sitting his hunting catch on a nearby log as he crouches down to eye-level. The two of them seem to be looking me over for further injury, and after passing out on them like I did, I can hardly blame either of them. Even so, I can't stay still. My eyes frantically search the clearing we're situated in for any sign of Carl. So far, nothing has come of my search. Panic once more rises in me and I quickly try to divert it by focusing my attention elsewhere.
"How did you get away?" I direct at Daryl. "The other five didn't."
"Fight broke out." the redneck explains. "Got away before they caught me. I went back for the others, but by the time I found them, 'twas already too late."
Grimacing, I nod solemnly.
At least he escaped.
I can't imagine having to deal with the loss of Rick, Denise, and Daryl back-to-back-to-back.
"Daryl was the one who helped us get you out of there." Michonne asserts.
I try to think back to the moments just before I passed out. Come to think of it, I do remember being lifted off of the ground by a strong pair of arms. That was just before everything went dark and silent. So that had been Daryl picking me up...
"Thank you." I manage sincerely.
The redneck gazes upon me thoughtfully without response for several moments. Unlike Michonne, I haven't yet learned to read Daryl the way the others do. Without warning, Daryl stands to his full height, offering me a quick ruffle of my hair before taking off towards his catch again. I suppose that is his way of saying "you're welcome", or some other similar meaning. While Daryl begins to cook the meal for that night, I turn my attention to Michonne who, like a worried mother, continues to glance me up and down with concern. Without conversation, however, my attention returns to where Carl is. And Judith for that matter. And Carol! All three of them aren't present! As if on cue, Carol strolls into the camp, carrying a very much asleep Judith Grimes.
"Well, its no shower, but the stream did its job for a bath." Carol announces as she sits down near Daryl. "Carl is taking his now and then he'll be back."
Sweet relief.
He's okay...
Gathering my strength, I push up off of the ground and fight the soreness until I'm completely on my feet.
"I think I'll go join him." I grunt passed another sharp pain in my back.
"You sure?" Michonne offers from behind me.
I nod eagerly, "Yeah. I'll be fine."
Carol offers me direction to the stream where Carl is at and, after snatching up my sword, I begin to limp towards that direction. A powerful sense of deja vu strikes me as I enter the woods and head towards the water. Without Alexandria, it feels as though we're on the road again, even though its only temporary this time. My memory is still all too fresh on what those days were like. The distance between camp and the stream isn't unreasonably far, though I had to stop a few times to rest my aching legs. Eventually, I emerge from the treeline and immediately spot Carl standing on the shore. His hat and shirt are draped over a nearby rock, shoes and socks sitting at the base of the same rock, and his jeans are rolled up above his ankles, allowing him to wade into the no-doubt-cold water without getting them wet. Carl looks to be lost in his thoughts, crouching just above the water with a dazed expression on his face. If he was intent on washing, he didn't show it.
Sand and gravel crunch beneath my feet as I approach him from behind.
Above us, the moonlight ripples down from between the clouds attempting to cover it, bathing the river in a brilliant ghostly glow. Carl must have heard me coming, because he doesn't react when I finally am standing directly behind him. I cross my arms and join him in gazing out at the rapidly moving water, letting the sound of water rushing over river stones fill my ears. I don't want to rush him. When he's ready to come out of his thoughts and acknowledge me, he will. Instead, I fill the time until then by sitting down behind him, slipping my arms around his bare waist, and pulling him back into me where my embrace awaits. He says nothing as I rest my chin on his solid shoulder, gently nuzzling him for comfort. His touch and presence alone are enough to calm the raging seas in my heart, so I can only hope that mine does the same for him. Finally, he releases a large sigh from his nostrils, and relaxes completely back into me.
Right where he belongs.
"What do we do now?" he eventually mumbles over the sound of the babbling brook.
I take a moment to answer, making sure he doesn't have anything to follow that up with.
"We'll go to Hilltop." I reply softly. "We can't give up. Not now. Jesus will take us in. I know that much."
He sighs again.
"It seems so pointless." he goes on. "We've lost home after home. Maybe we're just better off on the road."
"It certainly seems that way, I admit." I reply to him thoughtfully. "For us, we're used to the road, so it might even be easier, but... We have Judith to think about now. Once all of this is over, you and I have to fill your parents' shoes and make sure she's safe. It's hard enough just to stay alive out there these days, but raise an infant too? We'd run into a lot of problems."
There is a long silent pause.
"I'm tired of seeing people die, Tanner." Carl eventually huffs.
There is a slight tremble to his voice and I know he's holding back emotions once again. I tighten my embrace around him in response, offering additional comfort.
"He was proud of you, you know?" I reply softly.
If my suspicions are true, being away from Alexandria, allowed time to think straight has made Carl reflect on the loss of his father a little more than I think he'd like to think about it. That's why when he said he was tired of watching people die, I immediately knew who he was thinking about. I wish I could take the pain away from him somehow. To envelop him completely in a cocoon of love and comfort so he wouldn't have to suffer as much as he does inside. No matter how unrealistic that wish is, it doesn't keep me from doing so. Carl is silent for several long moments. Long enough that I eventually begin to believe that he won't respond at all. Just as I settle on that thought he stirs in my arms and starts speaking again:
"He shouldn't have been." Carl says, muttering at first. "I was so mean to him after Mom died. Always on his case about treating me more like a man instead of the little boy I thought he saw me as. He probably thought I hated him. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson after Mom died. I was a brat to her and she didn't deserve it." He huffs rather loudly. "I guess, in my mind, Dad was invincible. There was no way he could die, so there would always be time to apologize and move on. Now he's gone too..." Carl trails off momentarily, biting his lower lip as though to contain a rush of emotion. "I never got to say I was sorry."
Where do I even begin to reply to that?
Carl's pain and lament ripples off of him like heat waves, seeming to affect even me. I know Carl shouldn't blame himself. He was a kid and then a hormonal teenager. It is in their nature to rebel against parents and their over-protectiveness. Its not like he actually meant either Rick or Lori harm. At the same time, I can't say I wouldn't blame myself either were I in his shoes. Still, I feel I should say something. I don't want him to suffer and it's only bound to get worse as the days go by.
"I don't think its that simple." I reply after some consideration. "Parents, especially good ones like yours, are pretty good at seeing the real us past our faults. In the end, your dad saw you as a man and was happy you were going to be fighting by his side."
Carl seems genuinely shocked by this. "How do you know that?"
"Because he told me, silly." I reply, adding a gentle squeeze for emphasis. "I was there after you were shot, while you slept away in a coma. Your dad had to do just about everything he could get his hands on to keep from being worried to death about you. He was just as bad as I was, if not worse, only I didn't have anything to block out the worry." I pause to let my words sink in. "Believe me, though, Carl... he was proud of you. Of the man you have become. I don't think he would've changed anything."
By this point, even though he is still trying desperately to fight it, tears fall freely down his cheeks. I can feel the subtle shutters in his smaller frame as his body is racked with grief and the pain of loss. All I can do for him now is continue to hold him close. One of the many things I've learned since the world ended is that, sometimes, words alone cannot heal the way we think we can. I almost never have the right words for any given situation, but even those that do have the right words cannot heal a broken heart just by saying something profound or sweet. Sometimes the greatest comfort is the fact that someone is silent, but there. With this thought firmly in mind, I allow myself to be silent, settling for rocking him sweetly back and forth in my arms. The longer the night drags on, the more cold the air gets, making me wonder how Carl can even bare to be shirtless out here, but I do my best not to mention it.
"I won't let you die, Tanner. You or Judith."
I nearly missed that.
Carl's silence, in combination with the rocking I'm doing to comfort him, has actually had the adverse affect of starting to put me to sleep.
"Carl..." I grumble, trying to find the words to soothe him.
"I've failed pretty much everyone else." he goes on, cutting me off. "I promise I won't fail you two."
I feel my gaze soften significantly.
Gently I lean in, until my breath grazes the patch of skin just beneath his ear, pressing a soft kiss which elicits a shiver from him.
"You never have, Carl." I whisper softly to him.
Goosebumps break out across his flesh as my breath dusts his ear. I can't resist the smirk that touches the corners of my lips. No matter how bad he's feeling, and much the same way he can with me, I can still influence him like this and distract him from those dark places in his mind. Eventually, the two of us get the sense that we'll both need some sort of sleep, so Carl slips back into his shirt, shoes, and hat, and we return to camp. Michonne chastises us both for taking so long, upon our return, but is glad we're okay. That night Carl sleeps curled up in my arms for warmth and comfort. It is a long night, particularly for me. I've grown too used to having a bed again and have forgotten just how uncomfortable sleeping on the cold ground is. The moon dominates the skies by the time my eyes finally begin to flutter shut and my body begins to slip into the familiar rhythm of sleep. I finally fall asleep clinging to Carl as closely as possible.
Anymore, its the only solid comfort I have, and finally allows me to embrace the darkness.
####
Its been morning for several hours now.
Hilltop is in plain sight of our small little group. From the looks of Hilltop's walls, the community is entirely unharmed, which allows me to breathe a sigh of relief. That means it still hasn't been attacked yet. As we close in, I can even begin to see the wall watchers prowling back and forth looking for any and all threats. Once we're within sight of the wall prowlers, their spears immediately go up; a reflex they've developed dealing with walkers and likely made no better by the constant threat of Negan.
"Stop there!" one of the men shouts.
I recognize this man to be Kal, the same man who greeted us during our first visit to Hilltop.
"Is Jesus there?!" Daryl calls up. "We're friends of his!"
Kal's head vanishes. I pray that Jesus made it back to Hilltop. He and Ezekiel were both present in Alexandria when Negan attacked. There is a good likelihood that he died along with Alexandria. I silently wonder to myself how many of our own we'll find here. If Jesus and Ezekiel made it out, perhaps Glenn and Maggie, as well as some of the others made it out with them. My thoughts are broken when the two massive wooden gates of Hilltop begin to creak open. Before I even get a good look at the place, I'm suddenly caught off guard by a squeezing tightness around my waist. It takes me a moment to realize what's going on, with everything happening so fast, but I eventually realize that it is Maggie who is hugging me so tightly. A quick glance to the side reveals Glenn, Rosita, Eugene, Bob, Sasha, Jesus, and Ezekiel.
Everyone from the remainder of our original group has made it here!
Or...
That's when I notice: one is missing.
"Where's Abraham?" I ask as Maggie releases me and turns her attention to Carl, Carol, and Daryl.
No one answers.
Everyone just looks down at their feet or to the side. That is enough of an answer for me. My fist balls with rage and grief. Abraham had been injured just prior to the attack on Alexandria, so escaping was likely not an option for him. Still, he was one hell of a fighter and a crucial member of our group post-Terminus, so his loss is felt deeply.
"This group jus' keeps gettin' smaller." Daryl mumbles solemnly under his breath.
That's the first time the size of our group has been brought to my attention. When we left Terminus, our group stood at about sixteen people. Now our original group stands at twelve and that's not even counting the deaths of our allies in Alexandria. The air of loss is not lost as we venture into the Hilltop community. People are scrambling around us, looking as though they're making some sort of preparations. If I have to guess, I'd say Jesus is getting his community ready for Negan to make an appearance here next. The cinders in my chest burn at the thought of facing Negan again, even though I know it is unavoidable. Jesus leads the group into the manor at the center of the community; the same place he had taken us the first day we'd met him. There, we all assemble to discuss our plan of action for the first time since we lost Alexandria.
"It feels good to have everyone back in one place again." Ezekiel comments as we get situated in the room. "After what happened, I must be honest, I didn't think it were possible."
Nearby him, Shiva stirs at the sudden disturbance to her slumber. The massive predator cat immediately gets up and paws her way across the wooden floor. The tiger stops nearby me, then presses her entire massive body against me and gently nudges me before passing on, out of the way of the group to resume her catnap. I must admit, never in my life did I imagine a tiger would show me anything resembling affection. I'm completely thunderstruck and a little unnerved that such a big predator would take a particular interest in me. Ezekiel, too, seems to find it curious.
"Seems Shiva has taken a particular liking to you, young man." he comments.
"She did save my life, after all." I reply, trying to wave it off.
"That she did." he says.
"Never mind that, though." I continue. "Negan is going to attack again soon. He'll want to do it while he still thinks we're on the run. We'll need to be ready to fight back."
"Anyone have any suggestions?" Ezekiel inquires.
"Just one." Jesus interjects. "Before everything happened, Rick and I discussed a back up plan that might still work. About a mile from here is a small strip mall that Hilltop has used for supply runs and as an outpost. Negan will be more worried about coming here than he will be out there looking for us in every nook and cranny. We can move the buses and our most venerable there while the rest of us fight the Saviors here."
That's actually not a bad plan.
After Alexandria, no one is ready for anymore heavily losses; especially of those incapable of defending themselves.
"That'll take time." Glenn points out. "What if he comes before we can move them?"
"Then we have to find a way to keep him outside the walls." I chime in. "Stall until we can evacuate those who won't be able to fight back."
"What if we keep some of our fighters with them?" Maggie suggests. "Then we could surprise Negan from behind and trap him."
Jesus strokes his beard, considering Maggie's proposal. "That could work."
"Great." I reply to the group. "Now, all we need is time. We may not have it. Negan moves pretty quickly so let's start moving them now. There's no time like the present, after all."
####
I stand alongside Carl as the elderly, mothers, and children are loaded onto the buses to safely leave Hilltop for our safe-house.
Lunch is being handed around to everyone as the loading process takes place, and eventually Carl and I find ourselves sitting on the steps of Jesus' manor, eating our lunch rather diligently. The food looks like some sort of cooked venison, but whatever it is, it is absolutely delicious. Its quite clear even Carl is enjoying the treat, hungrily scarfing down his portion next to me. For the first time in awhile, I eat until I am completely full. It is a wonderful feeling to have a full stomach. Many times, in the old days, we'd take such a sensation for granted. Not anymore. Not me. No sir. Next to me, Carl finishes as well and sighs rather contently as he sets down his plate to continue watching the buses get loaded. We'd be joining the others for preparation shortly, but it is nice to have a meal together again.
"I can't believe they have so much food." he comments absently.
"I think this is the Hilltop and the Kingdom's combined resources." I reply. "It should be pretty extensive."
"I guess that's good." he says. "We'll be here awhile."
I glance at him sideways.
"We may be here for good." I assert.
"No." he shakes his head. "We can rebuild Alexandria. After we take down Negan."
I shoot him a sly grin.
"Is that optimism I detect, Carl?" I question him jokingly.
"Yeah," he feigns acknowledgement by turning away from me slightly. "Maybe you've just rubbed off on me."
Now that is funny.
"I'm about as optimistic as a liver transplant." I retort.
I am quite pleased with the reaction I get. For the first time in awhile, Carl let's free a hearty laugh and smiles brilliantly. It takes my breath away to see the smile of his again. Brighter than the sun itself, Carl's smile is more precious to me than any gemstone, and worth more than any amount of money could ever be. Love bursts from the contours of my heart as I take him in. I cannot contain the wicked grin that comes over my face seeing him laugh like that. His happiness, even if only momentary, is more contagious than any dangerous pathogen. My gaze eventually softening, my mind briefly touches on what he and I were talking about just the night before, causing my thoughts to stretch out towards the heavens, as if they could somehow reach Carl's parents who have left this world:
Rick... Lori...
Wherever you are, I hope you both are able to see him.
He's been through so much, but he's become so very strong. A real good man, a excellent husband, and a stellar older brother.
You'd be so proud of him.
I don't know what's going to happen from here on out. The Saviors are coming and I know we'll have to fight again. I know it'll be hard on him without either of you here to cheer him on, so I'll do it for you. I'll be the pillar that holds him up when the seas get rough and the match that ignites his flames when he feels cold and alone. I know it won't be easy - nothing in this life ever is - but I promise you both I'll look out for him.
After all...
Carl finally manages to stop laughing and directs his best, toothy grin at me, capturing my heart again. As I grin back at him, one final thought escapes my mind and ascends rapidly towards the heavens:
Out of all the people in this world...
He's my favorite.
####
Evening sets on Hilltop.
The buses left a little over an hour ago and now we sit in wait for Negan.
All of the necessary preparations have been made. We have gunners stationed on the wall, at the gates, and in various high points around the community. The rest of the fighters are gathered near the manor, ready for anything. Ever since the buses left, its been tense. The dark curtain of death hangs over all of us. Michonne and Daryl are on either side of Carl and I. I feel somewhat better with them at our side. Both of them are stone faced, their expressions not betraying even a hint of fear or anticipation. I hope one day I can appear as fearless as they do.
"They're here!" Kal suddenly shouts from the wall. "The Saviors are on the road! They're coming right at us! Everyone get ready!"
This is it.
My grip tightens around my sword.
This is where it ends.
"Okay!" Negan's voice pierces the air, penetrating even the wall. "Anyone within earshot, listen the fuck up! Lay your sorry asses down and bury your goddamn faces in the dirt! Got it?! Put your fucking hands behind your heads and don't you dare make a fucking move! If you play nice and surrender, I'll let you fucking live. Otherwise, we're mowing every one of you motherfuckers down! This is the only warning I'm going to fucking give!"
He thinks he has us beat.
The revving of an engine signals that they're about to come through. Everyone hunches down in their positions, ready to fight to the bitter end.
"This isn't going to go down like last time." I hear Ezekiel say. "Its just not."
"You got that damn right." Daryl mumbles in response.
Well, he doesn't.
"Carl?" I speak up, knowing we only have a few moments.
He glances at me from the side and waits for me to continue.
"I love you."
I don't say that because I suspect we'll lose. I say it to boost his spirits before battle. And, as always, I mean it. I love him and I want him to know it before the fighting starts. His lips curl into a soft smile.
"Love you too." he responds.
Suddenly an explosion tears through the air as one of Negan's trucks slams through the wooden gates, sending wood and shrapnel spraying into the air. From the large trunk area, Saviors pour out into the opening created, I suppose hoping to secure their victory instantly. They are wrong. Carl is the first to get off a shot at the advancing Saviors, followed by a spray of gunfire that slams into their entry vehicle and sends them scattering. Shots from above come from the walls and the high places in the community as the gunners aim to take them out.
"Shit fuck!" Negan barks, diving for the nearest cover.
That's our cue to attack.
"Use what cover you can!" I shout to those around me. "Let's take these bastards out!"
And so the final showdown begins.
A/N: The war with Negan reaches its final conflict! This battle will take a few chapters to unfold completely , so we got some lovely romance in this chapter to compensate. There will be some in the next few; particularly the next one, but the action will take front and center as we wrap this war with the Saviors up and to a close. Can the group muster their strength and push him back, or will they suffer heavy casualties and be forced to flee yet another home? The stakes are high as the final showdown begins! As always, I hope everyone enjoyed and continues to enjoy. Please don't be shy and leave a review or favorite. I promise I don't bite! Hahaha
Onto the reviews:
Guest: Nope! Just made to seem as such! You can breathe easy... 'fer now! Hahahaha :)
the : Thank you so much for the compliment :) I'm truly glad you enjoy. That is tentative. I'm not sure if I'll do one yet, but I'm open to the possibility, as always :) I really love that you share this with your friends and I'm glad they enjoy this as well. Character growth is really something I try to emphasize, so I'm glad you can see it too. I will do just such a thing! Thank you again!
Thank you both and thank everyone who read this chapter! Hope to hear from you all in the next one!
Until then!
Later!