BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Thirty-Three
Remy raised his eyes to the door just in time to see it sliding open, the effects of the sedative Hank had given him last night seemed to be finally wearing off and it was the first time since last night he was able to keep his eyes open for more than a minute or two without closing them again.
The Professor wheeled in slowly, the man's expression was even more grim than usual.
Remy sat up slowly, he still felt heavy and slightly powerless but at least the mental exhaustion was fading. He gave a tired sigh and gazed at the Professor in the eye. He'd been waiting for this moment. This was it, he was about to be kicked out, there was no excuse he could use this time.
"How are you feeling?" Professor Xavier asked; Remy felt himself being examined, almost felt the push of the Professor's telepathic gifts pressing against his brain but failing to penetrate.
"Like I spent the night drugged int' a deep sleep," Remy drew a breath, "But...better."
"You look well rested," the Professor came closer, no caution in his expression. Remy expected caution, expected to be suspected of attacking the man. Or perhaps the Professor just knew too well there was no chance he had the energy right now to do so.
"Time is it?" Remy brushed some sleep crust from his eye.
"Three o'clock."
"In the afternoon?" Remy asked, "I slept that long?"
"Yes."
"Thought whatever it was he gave me woul' wore off by now."
"I had him give you another dose while you were sleeping...to keep you calm," Professor Xavier admitted, there wasn't even an ounce of guilt in his expression. Remy supposed he shouldn't expect it. The man had to do whatever he needed to to keep the others safe. He couldn't blame him. He refused to let himself get angry about it.
"Didn't even feel it...wasn' even woken f' it," Remy frowned, fighting the urge to pick an argument.
"You were extremely exhausted."
Remy snorted, was that naturally or medically?
"I need to discuss the situation with you and I need for you to be calm and clear headed. I only hope that the injection hasn't left you too foggy."
"I can think straight, if that's what y' mean," Remy stated coolly.
"Let me show you something," said the Professor, he lifted an iPad from his lap and switched the thing on; Remy hadn't even noticed it sitting there. Remy watched as the Professor turned it towards him, there was a video showing of a view of Hank's laboratory from what looked to be a camera angle that had been locked from the corner of the ceiling.
Remy watched footage from last night unfold. Him being asked in, him making an ass of himself trying to lie about not taking the cough syrup. It was bizarre, watching himself reacting to the situation, watching himself reacting to Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc wasn't present as he remembered him being. He was raving like a mad man and there was no one there but Hank. Remy saw Hank turning towards the television screen which was off camera, he heard the argument as he tried to claim his innocence. Hank didn't sound as half as accusatory as he had sounded the night before, he sounded worried and cautious.
Remy winced, having to relive himself punching Hank right in the nose. He saw Logan come in, trying to restrain him from behind; the entire thing didn't look half as threatening as it had in person. Remy couldn't help but feel every single thing he had done last night had been unnecessary. It was like watching a mad man being restrained by orderlies in an insane asylum. He was a raving lunatic, and they were only trying to get him to calm down.
The Professor stopped the video after the scene ended with Logan picking Remy up and taking him away.
Remy dropped his eyes to the floor and bit down on his tongue hard enough to draw blood.
"How long have you been seeing your father?"
The question made Remy look up and lean back against the wall of the bunk, he stared at the Professor. He supposed it should have been obvious from the raving he had done in the video.
"I..." Remy tried, the words wouldn't come.
"That's it, isn't it?" Professor Xavier asked, "You've been hallucinating that he's with you...talking to you..."
"It's...it's..." Remy squeezed his eyes shut and tried to concentrate on staying calm. Even with sedatives in his system, he didn't feel calm enough to have this conversation after seeing this, after being asked this. "Not...a hallucination."
"Then what is it?"
"It's what broke the TV...what threw the jar o' pasta at me...what broke the windshiel' on the van...what made me crash my car...it tryin' t' kill me..."
"You believe this is an entity?"
"It is..." Remy winced. "Y' all telepathic...y' supposed t' be sensitive...y' supposed t' be able t' see these things...why can't y' see it?"
The Professor tilted his head, he didn't argue and Remy understood why. It would be pointless to argue, it would go in circles – never make a point to argue with a man man. The Professor believed it was a hallucination, just as his psychiatrist did. Anyone who didn't see it was going to believe the same thing. "Has this been going on since he died?"
"A few days after...gettin' worse and worse wit' every passin' day," Remy took a deep breath. It felt strange to admit it. He'd thought he'd feel relieved but he didn't. He only felt more fearful because every time he spoke of it, it tended to get worse. He only felt more fearful because now he knew the Professor was probably making the same assumptions and judgements Dr. Forbes had been making.
"Why didn't you come to me?"
"Y' woul' thought I was a loon. Jus' like y' thinkin' now. Can see it written all over y' face...y' think I'm seein' things, imaginin' this...makin' these things happen myself."
"You don't believe that's a possibility?"
"No," Remy replied. "This ghost tried t' kill me, Professor...but I ain' suicidal, I don' wan' die, why would I make myself imagine a ghost tryin' t' kill me if I didn' wan' die?"
Professor leaned forward, looking intrigued, "has it been with you when you've been in the same room with me? Is it here now?"
"No, it ain' here now..." Remy sighed, "sometimes it goes away f' brief spells..."
"Why do you think it isn't here right now?"
Remy took a breath, "'cause y' drugged me, I guess," he rubbed his head with a frustrated sigh.
"That's why you've been stealing the cough syrup?"
"If I said it was woul' it make any difference? Woul' it make theft acceptable, woul' it make y' overlook it?"
"No," the Professor replied coolly, "I wouldn't be able to overlook nor think it's acceptable. But I might be able to understand better."
"I used it t' help me sleep a lil'...t' get through school...if I'm half asleep durin' school hours, he's easy t' ignore, he ain' as loud...don' get in the way quite as much..."
"Why didn't you say this to us when it began?"
"I didn' know how t' say it..." Remy sniffed, "look...when I took the syrup the first time, I swear it was f' the cough, 'cause it was real bad."
"But you realised that it begun to help quieten the presence?"
Remy gave a silent nod, staring to the floor uneasily. He waited a moment, drawing a breath, "I ain' an addict...I know what y' thinkin'...jus' cause I like a drink eveyr now an' then, 'cause I been known t' turn t' it. But it ain' about that...I swear...I was jus' tryin' t' sleep...that's all..."
"Remy...you should have come to us from the beginning instead of letting this get worse..."
"Don' y' think I wanted t'?" Remy asked anxiously, "Jesus, I knew how it was gon' sound. Y' sat there in y' office talkin' about how I was grievin'...I didn' grieve, I never felt sorry that he was dead. Never felt sorry he weren' there any more! All y' cared about was what y' thought was wrong wit' me, y' weren' listenin'. If y' weren' listenin' t' me about that, how was I supposed t' believe y' would understand or listen about this?!"
Professor Xavier stated at him, his cool eyes met his own and Remy wondered if the man was trying to read him.
"If you had come to me and been honest, I would have helped you...I would have done all I can."
"What were y' gon' do?" Remy huffed, "Y' ain' even able t' help Rogue wit' her powers, how am I supposed t' believe y' gon' be able to exorcise a ghost?"
"First thing is first," the man sat there calculating for a minute, he rubbed his chin, "I need to get into your head, I need to be able to see exactly what it is that you see, feel how you are feeling."
"How y' gon' do that?" Remy puffed, "Y' ain' able t' do that wit' me. No telepath ever has been. Heard Jean say it once...how I was like a book behind glass, and the glass is impenetrable or somethin'. If I don' turn the page, y' ain' gon' see what's in the book."
"Then perhaps you'll have to help me turn those pages," Professor Xavier decided, "I will need the mansion to be free of interference – not just interruption but free of the random thoughts of others. This will have to wait until tomorrow morning when the others at are at school when the mansion is calm and quiet. I'll also need time to consider how exactly I'm going to break into your thoughts...I'll need time to prepare myself mentally."
Remy didn't believe that it was possible, he doubted the man was going to get anywhere with this plan. "What shoul' I do 'til then?"
"You're free to go, for now."
Remy gazed towards the open door behind the Professor's wheelchair. He wasn't sure he really did want to leave this cell. Then again, what if Jean-Luc came after him in here? He'd have no escape. "Y' sure y' trus' me enough t' let me go?"
"For now I'm going to keep you mildly sedated. If right now this will keep this vision of yours from reappearing and keep these violent outbursts of yours at bay then it may be what is best. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of sedating you, but I'm more uncomfortable with the idea of leaving you in solitary confinement for any longer."
"What shoul' I do f' now?" Remy asked quietly.
"Go upstairs, change out of those bloodied clothes," the Professor gestured to Remy's sweatshirt; Remy had forgotten about Logan's blood staining the navy fabric, he'd barely taken note of it he was still so tired. "Try to rest as much as you can comfortably."
"Thank you, Professor," Remy stood slowly, feeling quite weary and slightly dizzy. He grabbed onto the wall. "Whoah..."
"Be careful, you may feel slightly disorientated and giddy."
"Yeah...got that," Remy sighed, he headed slowly towards the door and paused, Professor?"
"Yes?"
"Does my wife know 'bout this?"
"No," Professor Xavier said, his expression slightly clouded.
"I'd like t' keep it that way f' now..."
The Professor gave a small nod, Remy could see he didn't quite agree with the decision but was thankful that his secret would remain safe for now. The last thing he needed was Rogue having more reasons to keep her distance from him. "By the way," Professor Xavier sniffed, "something arrived for you today, I've had it placed in your room."
Remy nodded somewhat distantly, caring less about whatever it was and more about what he was going to say to someone should he run into them in this condition. How was he supposed to explain the blood on his arm...or where he'd been all night?
He found his way to the sub-basement hall leading to the elevator that would take him up to the floor his bedroom was on and he made his way inside, shutting the door quietly behind himself. The room wasn't exactly how he had left it.
The bed had arrived.
The bed was bigger than he had imagined it would be, taking up far more of the room than he had realised it would making it so he only had a few feet of space between each wall on the left and right side of the room. It was still unmade, the thick luxury memory foam mattress was wrapped in thick plastic, the black leather frame was taped up with sheets of foam padding and the chemical-like smell of it's 'newness' was still thick.
Maybe shoul' have thought this through, he thought, running a hand along the footboard absently. He shook his head at himself wishing he'd measured the room before buying the thing. No matter, it was there now. How the hell they had got it up and in, he didn't know.
Probably teleported it in wit' Kurt...or maybe had Kitty phase it through the wall...mus' have still been a pain either way, Remy thought as he pulled off his blooded clothes, hid them in the hamper, grabbed his bathroom items after changing into his bathrobe and headed to take a quick shower to wash off the dried blood that was still clinging to his right arm.
He took his time in the shower, and was glad that for once there was no interruptions. For a Sunday afternoon, it was somewhat peaceful in the mansion, he could only assume most of the younger students had gone on an excursion out, as there was no where near the noise level that was usual when they were home.
Standing in the shower, he pressed his head against the cold tile wall and tried to think clearly. What was the Professor going to do tomorrow? How did he expect to get into his head? What about Rogue? How was he supposed to reconcile with her, make up for a mistake that hadn't even been his to begin with?
Remy stood listening to the sounds of the bathroom, the echoing of the water, the drip of the faucet, the sound of the slightly old pipes as the hot water shook them a little.
What he didn't hear was Jean-Luc. It was bliss, but for the moment he chose not to let his guard down.
He left the bathroom feeling physically cleaner, but his mind still felt like a hovel that Jean-Luc had stepped all over in mucky boots, footprints everywhere, staining carpets with thick mud that was impossible to scrub out.
The more I scrub, the further it spreads, Remy thought dully as he quickly dressed in the room, his eyes falling onto the bed again. He stood there just staring at it, he barely had the strength to even think about tearing off the plastic from the mattress. The thought of having to go find sheets was too much.
What now? He wondered. He must have stood there for ten minutes just thinking of it. He could either try to deal with things that he had to deal with and keep going or he could let the physical exhaustion that he was fighting just overwhelm him and throw himself on the plastic-wrapped mattress and sleep more. The thought was tempting.
But no, there was too much to do, too much to fix.
Damage control.
A slightly clumsy footstep disturbed him from his thoughts, and he turned to the doorway; he'd expected to find Tabitha there with another attempt at wooing him and having things her way. Instead it was his wife...the last person he'd expected to see there.
Does she know 'bout last night? He wondered. Does anyone else know? The Professor had given him the impression that Rogue probably knew nothing, he'd have never agreed to keep things quiet otherwise. But what if Logan had gone and told her?
Rogue's dull green eyes were on the bed, they were puffy and tired, her eyeliner a little smudged and mascara dotted her cheek. She looked as tired as he felt and almost as if she'd spent most of the afternoon sleeping with her face pressed against a pillow.
"Trust you to get the biggest bed you could find," was all Rogue said, her eyes never leaving the thing.
"Yeah..." he managed, trying to hide his surprise that she was even speaking to him right now. He barely had the strength to pretend to be normal in front of her right now, he couldn't make himself sound enthusiastic or remotely normal, he heard the thickness of his voice and hated that he couldn't control it right now, "I...don' do things by halves..." he examined her further as she took one step, then another into the room. Her eyes were puffier than he'd realised, ringed with a little pink, and bloodshot.
Now, as he looked at her more closely, he realised she'd been crying. It was unmistakeable; as she stood nearer he saw the faintest streak that had cut through her foundation and the whisper of blush she wore.
The thought struck him harder than anything else that was going on in his own life. He stood staring at her, feeling slightly lost and helpless, not sure how to approach the subject, not sure how to connect to her right now on top of everything that was happening to him. He stepped closer to her, looking at her, he tried to give her a look that asked silently what he didn't have the emotional energy to speak.
Whatever prompted the next step, he didn't know. Before he'd had a chance to think about how to approach her, how to begin to even reconcile their differences, she had thrown herself into his arms and was sobbing hard. It was the kind of sobbing that ripped through him the way a child ripped unapologetically through pieces of craft paper.
He'd never seen Rogue in this state before. Not his strong, capable and dependable wife who had held him together during his darkest days in Louisiana. Oh he'd certainly seen her perhaps a little misty eyed, shedding a tear or two, yes, but not like this. It was heart-wrenching, each sound she made cut through him like a blunt serrated knife, each shudder of her body against his made his bones tremble and judder with electric shocks of guilt.
Was this because of his behaviour? Was this because of Tabitha?
He glanced towards the open door, she hadn't even shut it before coming all the way in. Someone was going to see...didn't she care? All he could think about was how humiliated she'd be letting someone see her like this, how she hated people seeing her as anything other than stoic and capable.
Desperate to preserve her pride, he pushed the door shut by reaching one arm over her, the other cradling her, rubbing her back gently. He wasn't sure how to deal with her crying; he felt just as helpless as he had when Tabitha had come to him sobbing her heart about about being called fat.
Except whatever was hurting Rogue right now, it was worse than being called fat. These kind of tears were the kind of tears that came with devastation, even as inexperienced as he was with female emotion he knew the difference.
"It's gon' be okay..." he said softly, not sure exactly what was going to be okay. He tried to sound sure of himself, as confident as he always sounded, all the while him having so little energy that he only sounded lethargic and flat. Rogue gripped his waist fiercely, face pressed against his chest. He wanted to know what was wrong, but somehow the words wouldn't come and he sensed that even if he had asked, she'd never divulge.
His chest pounded with the frustration of this, the frustration of knowing she was hurting and he had no way to make any of it go away. He didn't know how to make people happy, he only knew how to palm them off. Rogue wasn't easy to palm off with presents or promises, those had never been the kind of things she'd wanted from him. He could recite romantic words but he was certain right now it wasn't what she wanted to hear and right now.
What am I supposed t' do here? What does she want me t' do?
When her sobbing finally ceased it seemed almost half an hour might have passed; he moved back slowly, wishing he had access to a tissue or a cloth of some kind to wipe her tears. As it was, all he had was the sleeve of his sweatshirt and he wiped her face, accidentally smearing her makeup in the process; she looked a dreadful mess, spidery streaks left by her mascara, eyeliner trails down her cheeks.
"Chere..." he breathed softly to her, "if y' wan' talk..."
Rogue shook her head, a single tear streaked it's way through her smudged makeup, starting to clear a river through the grey, "Ah'm done talkin'..."
"Then what y' need?" he brushed her hair from her cheek carefully, wishing he could stroke her skin, kiss that tear away, taste the saltiness of her sadness and swallow it, experience her sadness and try to absorb it away from her the way she absorbed memories and powers. "Tell me what y' need..."
"Distraction..." she managed brokenly as reached for his pants and began undoing the fly.
He wasn't sure he even had the energy, he wasn't sure he even agreed that this was a good time considering the mess she seemed to be in. "From...?"
"Thinkin'..." she sniffed.
Perhaps it was that invitation. The idea of distracting her from thinking, distracting himself from it. It was inappropriate timing, but he wanted to be near her, even if it meant offering himself to her despite his lack of mood. Any excuse to get close to her, to bridge the gap would do, even if it was temporary, even if it was just for now, even if it seemed she was intent on using him, he didn't care.
"What about the rules...?" he managed, glancing down as she kissed the soft cotton of the shirt covering his chest.
"Rules don't matter today."
Without giving it any more consideration he pushed her towards the bed, not even caring about the creaking of the plastic wrapping on the mattress. His sedation made getting excited an issue, it took much longer than the norm. He had to be inventive, slow and teasing; all the while he sensed her frustration with every touch. It was the first time since they'd been together that he'd ever sensed that it wasn't his hands she wanted.
There was something different about this time. He couldn't pinpoint what it was about Rogue that had changed since the last time. There was a strange abandon of all inhibitions; the shyness, the worry...it seemed to be gone and when he coaxed her onto her side and pressed himself against against her from behind – a position he'd never had her in - he didn't sense the usual apprehension, there was no resistance at all.
It was exhausting, trying to be good, striving to be perfect; the sedatives had worn off a little, but he still felt heavy and a little loose, found it hard to focus and felt his stamina constantly dropping and slowing him down. Although he was afraid the condom would slip, he took a hold of her body with both hands and drove himself deeper than he normally allowed, listening to her gasping, quietly moaning with every stroke.
What he hadn't expected was that it would be that time that she'd climax, he felt the tightening of her, the shuddering of her body against his, heard the way she tried to stifle her moan into her sleeve as she turned her head and pressed her face against her arm. His own pleasure followed quickly, and he held onto her tightly, gasping near her neck.
Afterwards he lay there breathing heavily, heart pounding against her back, his grip never leaving her, reluctant to let her go now that it was all over.
He waited a few moments, expecting that to be it. Expecting her to get up, pull away and leave him immediately afterwards but she lay there, still pressed against him. Sighing deeply, he breathed in the scent of her, the sweet crisp fabric softener on her long-sleeved t-shirt, the faint smell of lavender of her shampoo, the sharp scent of her soap. He pulled her closer to him and closed his eyes, his cheek pressed against her shoulder. He tried to savour the moment, knowing that it was bound to end, sensing that any moment it was definitely going to.
Rogue circled her gloved fingers across the hand he had pressed against her stomach, she seemed lost in thought, so quiet and calm, the moment felt so peaceful and comfortable.
And then, he made the mistake he always made. Of being direct, of asking what exactly was on his mind.
He kissed her clothed shoulder, "So what this mean?" he murmured; he supposed he'd been hoping that she'd forgiven what had happened, that she'd realised his innocence, that Tabitha might have told the truth.
Rogue swallowed hard and she lifted his hand from her and moved away, grabbing for where he'd carelessly tossed her pants and her underwear.
"Chere..." he sighed, sitting up slowly, already the frustration of not understanding what was happening beginning to return.
"It means we had sex," she said quietly, her voice had a slight tremor as she spoke while she pulled her underwear on.
"That's it?" he asked unhappily, "this changes nothin'?"
"Should it?" she asked with a sigh, she sat on the edge of the bed as she began pulling on her skinny jeans, the process always took moments of getting her feet through.
He reached across the bed and ran his fingers along her back; he didn't have an answer. He supposed sex shouldn't have been expected to fix anything. It had been a search for release on her part, he realised that.
Rogue drew a breath, her back was turned to him, she sat there for a moment, saying nothing. It was almost as if she was waiting for something, but he wasn't exactly sure what. What was she waiting for? What did she want him to say?
She swallowed and took a deep breath, she sighed the words out, "Where were you yesterday? Last night? There was a meetin'...everyone was there except you."
He groaned inwardly, he couldn't very well tell her he'd been at the psychiatrist, could he? He hadn't even thought out how to begin telling her about that. To tell her about that meant telling her about Jean-Luc...he wasn't ready to go there yet, not directly after being with her as he just had.
"I went out...f' some air."
"You were gone all night. Last night you weren't in your room...this morning you were still gone."
"I was here...I swear..." he tried. He had been on the property, hadn't he? Surely someone could make up something for him. Someone would vouch for him...Professor Xavier or Hank...
"No, you weren't, Ah looked."
"Why were y' lookin' f' me?"
"Ah...Ah wanted to..." she began, "Ah..." she looked away, "Ah wanted to talk, that was it."
The news that she'd wanted to talk left him hopeful. Was she willing to forgive him? To talk it through now?
"I'm here now..." he pointed out, leaning up a little more.
"No..." she shook her head, "it's not gonna work now."
"But-" he tried.
"You're lyin' to me, you're still lyin', you're not talkin' to me!"
"Marie..."
"Stop sayin' my name like that...like you think it's gonna appeal to some part of me that's gonna feel sorry for you, some part of me that's gonna forgive you. You're still lyin' to me, Remy. How am Ah meant to talk to you if you can't even talk to me."
"We're talkin' now..."
"Are we? Ah'm doin' the talkin' and you're sittin' there evadin' like usual. But you talk to Tabitha, don't you?" she accused. "You tell her things like it is. Ah know that because she told me."
"She...told you..." he breathed nervously.
"What was it she said?" Rogue asked herself, "Oh yeah...that's it. He tells me things. Things he doesn't tell you, Rogue."
"And y' believed her?" Remy asked uneasily.
"She said it was private stuff, Remy. Really deep private stuff."
Remy tried to feign disbelief, "and y' believed her? Y' don' think she's tryin' t' wind y' up like a lil' tinker toy t' watch y' go 'round in circles? Y' don' think there's the slightest possibility she's lyin'?"
"She's not lyin' though, is she?" Rogue demanded, "Tabitha is a lot of things, Remy. She's lazy, she's tactless and immature, she's irresponsible...she's a thief...and she's loose, she sleeps with half the guys in school with no remorse or care. But you know what, Remy? She owns up to everything she is. She's a lot of things, but she isn't and has never been a liar."
Remy kept his eyes on his wife, he tried to remain determined, steady. She was right, Tabitha had never made up lies in all the time he'd known her, she'd always been direct and honest about everything.
"You on the other hand..." Rogue frowned, "You've lied."
"I never lied..."
"You lied when you told me you'd never tell her anything private."
He almost snapped, "why is it so important that I don' tell her things?!" he demanded, "Why is it so important that it's you that has t' hear everythin' and not her?!"
"Because Ah'm your wife!"
"It's because y' my wife I can't tell y'!" he retorted. "Jesus, Marie, y' don' have the first fuckin' clue what y' askin' o' me here, do y'?"
"Ah'm askin' for honesty."
"Y' askin' f' what's gon' break down our fuckin' relationship."
"Why don't you think it'd make it stronger?!"
He looked at her, he wasn't sure why he didn't have an answer. Had his confessions to Tabitha made their friendship all that stronger? He wasn't particularly sure. But with Rogue, it would be different.
Rogue shook her head, eyes welling again, "Ah can't do this, Remy."
"Do what?"
"Ah can't talk to you if you can't talk to me..." she headed for the door quickly.
He stood up and followed her to the door, he threw his arm in front of her to stop her, "you can talk t' me."
"No...Ah can't..." she shook her head, "Because you're not here a hundred percent..."
"And you are?" he asked. "I've let y' have y' life, Rogue. I've let go o' the things that bothered me about who y' hang wit' and who y' talk t'. I even let it go that y' talk t' Logan 'bout me – and don' try t' deny y' don't."
Rogue frowned at the floor.
"You have secrets too, don' y'? Things y' never tol' me about before?" he asked of her pointedly.
Rogue was so still, so quiet.
"We got t' have our secrets. Isn' it our right t' have our secrets, t' tell the ones we think can be trusted wit' them? Isn' it our right t' keep them from the ones we don' want knowin'? F' God's sake, Marie...it don' got t' mean there's any...any untrustworthiness..." he put, trying to sound cool and steady, all the while he was trembling inside, "all it means is...we got the right t' keep some things t' ourselves...t'...t' protect the ones we don' wan' hurt..."
Rogue pursed her lips for a moment, her expression was so clouded. When finally she spoke, there was a quiver to her voice, "is that how you want it?"
"Yes," he said. "I don' want this to be over. I want to be wit' you, but I want the right t' be able t' keep things from y'. It don' mean that anythin' is goin' on, or that I'm fuckin' other people, or that the things I'm keepin' from y' are gon' hurt someone..." he stated, "it jus' means that there's things I can't tell y'."
"And you could live like that?" she asked as she raised her eyes to his.
"As long as the secrets weren' about cheatin'...or feelin's about lovin' someone else..." he said uneasily, "then...maybe we're both entitled t' have some secrets..."
Rogue looked at him, "as long as it wasn't cheatin'."
"As long as it isn't cheatin'," He responded tiredly.
Rogue stared to the floor, "fine."
"Fine?" he asked, almost in shock that she seemed quite accepting of the suggestion, which he had to admit had been somewhat desperate. "So we...we can be t' gether?"
"Ah'm gonna think about it," she sighed, she rubbed her head, "Ah..have a lot to think about right now."
"Y' wan' talk about it?" he asked softly.
"It's like you said..." she moved his arm out of the way so she could open the door, "we're entitled to have some secrets."
Rogue wasn't sure how to handle the situation with the pregnancy. Since the Professor had called her into his office early that afternoon she hadn't been able to get it out of her head.
Sex with Remy had been the last thing she'd thought would happen today. She hadn't known what exactly she'd thought was going to happen when she'd gone to his room. He'd been the one person other than the Professor and Hank that she'd thought she could turn to at that moment and seeing him had only brought on a ridiculous sobbing fit which she hadn't been able to help.
Ah must have looked insane, she thought dully as she stared through her bedroom window, she'd been sitting on the windowsill for the past two hours staring outside at the pouring rain, trying to calm her thoughts.
At that moment, sobbing in his arms, it had never occurred to her that stress and frustration with her own situation would have led her to needing him in ways that hadn't made much sense and at the same time somehow had. Even if only for that hour on the bed with him, briefly nothing had mattered but the sensations, the feeling of him, the sound of his breath, the warm way it brushed against her neck, the strong grip of his hands and the way he'd moaned low in his throat.
She pressed her head against the icy cold glass and sighed quietly. And that kind of stupid behaviour is exactly what got you into this mess, she reminded herself. Instinctively, she touched her belly; it felt no different, flat as always, toned and hard beneath her pyjama top.
When he'd put his hand on her stomach when they'd been lying together, she'd wanted to tell him what was beneath his gentle fingers. This...tiny thing...probably no bigger than a cashew nut. It had killed any chance of afterglow, thinking of it once again. Thinking of his reaction, remembering his claim of never wanting to be a father.
She groaned inwardly, feeling nauseated and uneasy; she found it so ironic that it was now she had a child inside of her that she'd never felt so empty in her whole life.
Ah should have told him, Rogue found herself thinking regretfully as she ran a finger along the condensation on the glass and absently drew a heart there. How could she tell him though if there were things he couldn't even tell her? How was she supposed to believe he could handle this when he was handling his own life so very badly and keeping secrets and hiding his whereabouts at strange hours?
Maybe he was right, maybe they both were entitled to their secrets, he seemed to think she was better off not knowing his, and she was beginning to wonder if it may be likewise. Would he be better off not knowing she was pregnant?
Eventually he's going to know, she reminded herself. Eventually, Ah'll start to show...it'll get hard to hide, it'll be obvious when Ah'm banned from all the trainin' and the missions...and have to keep goin' to doctors appointments and takin' vitamins...
She shook her head at herself. These thoughts were foolish. She couldn't do this and she certainly couldn't do it alone. Even if she did manage to carry the child to term and give birth, what next? She couldn't expect everyone in the mansion to pick up her child for her, to take care of it and feed it. She had never felt maternal or motherly in her young life, she'd never thought much about wanting children, but what she did know was that the thought of having a child and having to watch other people raise it hurt.
If the thought of it hurt, she couldn't even imagine how it might hurt when the time came and she had to witness it and feel it for herself.
There was a quiet knock at her door, so very light she wasn't sure she'd heard it at first. She turned to the door, "yeah?"
The door opened and Logan peered in, "You know it's after midnight, don't you?"
"Yeah," she sighed.
"Bed, c' mon, you got school tomorrow."
"Ah know," she swung her legs from the windowsill and hopped down.
Logan paused as he took a step into the room, Rogue had the distinct feeling he could smell the sex on her, his expression was crossed with a look of slight irritation, something he couldn't hide. He seemed to quietly battle with himself for a moment whether to speak his mind on the subject or not, but in the end said nothing.
"You were quiet at dinner," Logan commented as he came over to check her window while Rogue turned her sheets down and sat upon the bed.
Rogue watched him checking the window for a moment, it wasn't something he usually did and she felt he was stalling for a moment, hoping she'd talk to him about whatever was bothering her. He was giving her the chance to open up.
"Ah was listenin' to Ororo and Hank's conversation about the new Danger Room program they're workin' on," Rogue commented. It wasn't far from a lie, it had been part of the discussion at dinner. She had felt her attention weaving in and out though, she'd been struggling with dinner – she hadn't managed to eat much of the chicken casserole Jean had made although she had found the dessert much more agreeable.
"You sure it's nothin' else?" Logan asked.
"Yeah," she adjusted her pillows a little and reached for her book.
"You seem a little, I don't know...distracted today."
"Ah'm fine, just got a lot goin' on in my head. Got this book to finish for school," she held up her book for English. "Ah really hate Dickens."
Logan came over and sat upon the edge of her bed. "What about you and the Cajun? Are things okay...?"
"Yeah, we're fine," Rogue assured, she pretended to be looking for the page she was on.
"Is...this about that thing with Boom Boom?" Logan asked, staring at her. "About his being friends with her?"
Rogue avoided his eye, "It's just petty stuff," she shrugged, flicking through the pages.
"You think it's something more, don't you?"
"No," Rogue lied, still going from page to page.
"Look, I'm not one to go spying, Rogue," Logan admitted, he put his hand on the book to stop her, "But I hear things and see things sometimes even without meaning to..."
She lifted her eyes to her mentor, she couldn't help but wonder what he would think if he knew about her being pregnant. He'd be so ashamed of me, she realised, feeling quite sad at the thought of it.
"I caught them in a discussion yesterday, they were at the top of the stairs..."
Rogue frowned, was he about to tell her that Remy was messing around with Tabitha?
Logan kept his voice low, "I'm only telling you this because I know it bothers you," he admitted, "but he isn't playing away from from home..."
Rogue tilted her head, staring at the older man, "you're sure?"
"I heard him tell her to back off. He doesn't want anything from her, Rogue. He doesn't want her, he loves his wife and he made that clear to her."
"He really said that?" Rogue asked, "you're not just...making this up because you think it'll make my life easier..."
"No...he's on the straight, Rogue. He wasn't putting on an act because I was standing there, he didn't even know I could hear him. Whatever else he is, he isn't lyin' to you about her."
"He's still keepin' things from me, Logan..." Rogue sighed, "And Ah don't know how much more of that Ah can take."
"What do you think he's keepin' from you?"
"This...stuff with his dad, Ah guess..." she shrugged.
"You really want to hear about it?" Logan raised an eyebrow, "You know what it entails, right? How pretty...dark that stuff is..."
"It's not that Ah want to hear it, Logan," Rogue sighed, "It's that Ah want him to trust me. And he doesn't."
"I don't think it's that he doesn't trust you," Logan admitted, "I think it's that he doesn't want you to think of him like that."
"But Ah wouldn't," Rogue frowned.
"Let him keep what he needs to keep from you, kid," Logan suggested, "if he needs to tell you, he'll find a way. Until then, just let it go. There might be a day when you need him to be as patient with you."
Yeah, like now, she thought unhappily. She found herself suddenly wondering if there was a possibility Logan already knew about her pregnancy. Had he been given access to the drug test files? Did he know anything?
"You know how everyone had to take those drug tests?" she asked, slipping her feet beneath the covers.
"Hmm?" he asked.
"Did anythin' come up?"
Something in his face changed, it was very subtle, she had been looking for it and she only caught it because she was so very in tune with him and his reactions. There was something slightly secretive when it came to the subject.
"I'm not privy to any of that information, Rogue, you know that," Logan responded.
Then maybe he hasn't seen mine. Maybe no one told him, she thought, feeling slightly relieved.
"Why was everyone made to take them in the first place, anyhow? It was all so sudden," she pointed out.
"Just a formality, a new system. Easier to keep track of rather than random testing on individuals at different times."
"Oh," Rogue responded.
"Why are you so worried about it?" Logan queried.
"Ah'm not," she said, "Ah just wondered. It was just so out of the blue is all."
"Well..." Logan said, he threw the covers over her legs, "it's over now, and considering I'm not here giving you the lecture about drugs, I'm certain you must have come through clean," he smirked a little, "you're a good kid. Glad I've never had to have that talk with you."
Rogue slipped down on the mattress, opening her book again.
"Don't be up reading too much longer, it's already past midnight," Logan warned her, "By the way, Professor said Danger Room training is still temporarily suspended, apparently there's some problems with the programming or something."
"Oh."
"So you won't be getting up for an early session."
Rogue was surprised by this; rather than suspend her from the session and have the others wondering why, he'd suspended the session entirely. But how long was this going to continue for? Until she made her decision? Until she decided to be honest?
"Anyway, a few pages, then sleep. If you sleep in tomorrow, I'll kick your ass," Logan warned. "Night night."
Rogue watched him leave the room, the door shut silently behind him. She found herself wondering if Remy was already asleep. At dinner he'd looked positively exhausted, digging his fork into his casserole as if he barely had enough energy to even lift it.
Her mind drifted uneasily to what she would tell him if she decided to let the pregnancy continue There was no way she could keep it from him.
Ah would have to be direct, tell him and explain to him what would happen, she realised. But knowin' him, he'd freak. He didn't want to have kids with Belladonna, and she was his first love. He said himself, he never wants to have kids, never wants to be a father. All that'd happen is he'd leave.
What then...?
She supposed she'd have to explain to the others how this pregnancy had happened, she could either be honest and tell them that Remy had been the one she'd conceived with, that he'd left. Or she supposed she could always use the lie about the fake boyfriend she'd told them about, pretend it had been him.
But it would mean giving up everything. She'd have to stop going to school, she couldn't be that girl. She couldn't be Juno, going to school with a massive gut feeling their judgemental stares, hearing their whispers about her.
No training, no missions...career with the X-Men effectively over, but still expecting to live there? Expecting the Professor to financially support her?
No, she thought frustratedly. Ah got myself into this, Ah can't expect him to pay for someone else's baby.
Her thoughts shifted to the money in her account. Remy had given her some money a while back. Fifty thousand dollars might pay for a few years of rent and utilities, but it wouldn't last forever. What about the other things?
Babies need diapers...diapers are expensive, Ah've seen the prices on those pampers at Baymart. And clothes...babies grow fast, Ah'd be forever buyin' clothes. And there's formula...Ah can't breastfeed, everythin' would be formula. Is formula expensive? And medical care...babies get sick a lot...
She swept her hand through her hair, sighing. She felt exhausted but with these thoughts swirling through her head there was no way she was going to sleep. What happened when the fifty thousand run out? Would Remy be willing to pay for a child he didn't even want? What would he be willing to pay to make it go away?
Part of her wanted to blame him for getting her pregnant, the other part reminded her silently what the Professor had said about birth control. She should have been using something, she shouldn't have just been relying on a piece of rubber. Remy had been as responsible as he could have been, she should have been just as responsible and taken precautions.
Ah would have, she thought unhappily. But Ah never thought any of this would ever happen. Ah never thought Ah'd be sleepin' with anyone...gettin' pregnant was never part of the future Ah thought Ah was gonna have.
She closed her eyes and tried to think of new plans, tried to picture her child, tried to picture the life she'd have with it. Every image she had of it was of her keeping a distance from that child.
Ah can't do it alone, she felt tears welling behind her eyelids. Ah can't' support myself alone. Ah could stay here, like the Professor said, but Ah can't sponge forever, and even if Ah could...it's not a safe place for a baby to grow up, it's not a normal place for a kid to grow up in...
The more she thought of it, the less sensible everything seemed. Every time she tried to think ahead, she felt herself being knocked two steps back by harsh reality.
Professor said Ah could always arrange an adoption, she reminded herself. The thought of it alone made her feel physically sick. Do to that child what her parents may have done? What Remy's may have done? Let history keep repeating itself?
There was a possibility the child would grow up much safer if she gave it up for adoption, but there was never any guarantee for sure it would. She'd read so many stories, seen so many movies where adoptive parents never wanted their child to know the biological parents, refused all contact. How would she know for sure her child would be safe?
How would Ah know for sure they'll love it? She asked herself.
A thought disturbed her right then, as she thought of the baby as it. Not a girl or a boy...an 'it'. 'It'.
If Ah start thinkin' of this as anythin' else...it's gonna hurt much harder, she realised, wiping her tears on her blanket. Right now, Ah can't handle any more hurt.
End of Part Thirty-Three
Wow, it was a rough weekend (think I must have slept through most of it) - thanks for all the well wishes. I'd had a lot of nausea because I'm trying to adapt to being on Tramadol (fucking muscle damage in lower back and neck, ugh), and because of the nausea, I stopped for twenty four hours after a month and a half of steadily being on it and I seriously thought I was in withdrawals because I had serious twitching, cold symptoms, etc...then everyone else in the house ended up with it so it turned out to be a bug, lol. Lying in bed reading and editing the chapters I had left to upload was about all I was capable of for days anyway.
At the moment, I'm not sure if the story is ending at 46-47 or on 48 as I'm trying to be sure to tie up most loose ends (And keep the chapters a reasonable length enough to digest as a few are a bit long-ish).
I really don't see this ever turning into a quadrilogy although I know a few are asking. It's taken a seriously long time to get this story to this point and it's time to see it retire. After a break, I'm going to attempt to get "I, Assassin" finished and from there I honestly don't know as other than "Beneath the Surface", I've had a bit of writers block so I don't know where I'll go from there or if it'll be an extended break from fanfic. Guess I'll see what happens.
. As always I'm stunned by the rush of reviews that came in about the last few parts I uploaded. I wasn't really confident about doing a pregnancy storyline (to be honest I expected a LOT of flaming) but so far everyone seems accepting of it, and seems somewhat intrigued by it too. (By the way, in case any one wonders, this isn't going to be one of those "pregnancy scare/misunderstanding" situations that conveniently get swept under the rug lol).
Thank you so much for the reviews you've all sent in, it's interesting to see your reactions and thoughts. I hope you all enjoy this instalment, I'm sure someone will have thoughts about Remy's 'deal' that they be allowed secrets, and I'm sure probably there'll be thoughts about the sex scene (it seemed appropriate given the extreme stress of the situation). Anyway, I'm off to go edit the next chapter a bit before uploading, it may be tonight, it may be tomorrow but it should be definitely soon :)
Have a good week all, :)