BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Thirty-Four
***Just a brief warning there'll be small reference to Remy's abuse, nothing particularly graphic, but it is there. Just warning now to those who have triggers, etc, I don't want to cause anyone grief/distress***
Rogue stared at her watch, it was getting late and Remy had still not made it down to the van; they were going to get to school late if he didn't hurry and get there.
"Come on," Kitty complained from the back, "we're gonna be late! The last time we were late, I got so much grief from the teacher."
"Ah can't help it," Rogue muttered, "Remy is late."
"Well that's his problem," Kitty muttered, "but if we don't leave right now, we'll be late."
"Remy wasn't even at breakfast," Kurt commented.
Rogue hadn't even known about his lack of appearance at breakfast, she'd missed breakfast entirely because slept in thanks to her forgetting to set her alarm – she'd grown used to setting it on the iPhone that Remy had given her but as she'd thrown it at him after learning about his kiss with Tabitha, it had inadvertently slipped her mind to set the alarm on her iPod instead.
If you'd actually slept properly last night instead of bein' up all night stressin' out, maybe you'd have been up without needin' an alarm, she thought bitterly. She supposed if she hadn't been pregnant and the Professor hadn't effectively cancelled training because of it she might have been awakened by the rather abrupt-as-usual wake-up call for the morning Danger Room session.
Sighing Rogue started the van, staring one last time towards the door leading into the garage hoping that Remy was going to appear. "Ah guess he'll have to make his own way to school."
Rogue caught Tabitha's distant and rather angry expression in the rear view mirror as she began backing the van out of the garage. Tabitha didn't seem too enthusiastic about getting into a van with Rogue this morning; Rogue had heard the girl beg for Logan to lend her the Jeep so she could drive herself to school, but he'd only laughed and reminded her of her suspended license.
She's still mad at me, Rogue supposed. She tried to look at it from Tabitha's point of view that the girl probably felt as if she'd done nothing wrong at all. Tabitha wasn't aware of Remy and Rogue's relationship, all she was guilty of was trying to woo a married man.
She's still guilty of that, she doesn't get off just because of lack of knowledge. Whether she knows it's me or not, she's still determined to have Remy regardless of him bein' married.
Rogue tried to focus on the road. Sooner or later, Ah'm gonna have to tell Tabitha the truth...especially if me and Remy are goin' to get past this.
In all honesty, Rogue wasn't sure she could really get past the thought of him keeping secrets from her, but she didn't want to lose him. She desperately tried to see it his way, that he needed to hold on to some secrets although she disagreed with not being kept in the loop or his reluctance to share them.
Ah don't want to know what happened with Jean-Luc, Rogue thought dully. It just...hurts that he feels like he can't tell me...that Ah'll judge him or...never see him the same. All Ah want is him to just trust me...if he can't trust me how am Ah supposed to trust him? How can Ah trust him with this baby thing if he can't trust me with his deepest secrets?
"Rogue!" gasped Kurt; he grabbed the wheel hard and swerved the van to the left, she broke herself out of her reverie, realising she'd almost hit a Chevrolet.
"Fuck," she gaped.
"Pay attention," Kurt chided.
Rogue winced, "sorry..."
"You aren't even wearing a seatbelt," Kurt pointed out. "If we had a bad crash..."
If we had a bad crash, would it have been such a bad thing? she thought, wondering if that would be enough to do the job for her, enough to make the decision she wasn't sure she could make.
"Can you like, just get us to school in one piece?" admonished Kitty, "I have a test today and I don't want to bleed all the paper!"
"Maybe I should drive," Kurt suggested.
"No, Ah'm fine, Ah got it," Rogue promised, she shakily clipped on her seatbelt, "Won't happen again."
Remy LeBeau's eyes fluttered open, the sun was streaming through the blinds of his bedroom; he'd forgotten to shut them the night before. He squinted and leaned up from the king-sized bed, feeling a little sore and sweaty; he heard the plastic creaking beneath his body.
He winced, realising he'd been so tired he hadn't even ripped the plastic from the mattress or the foam padding from the leather base yet. The sedative Hank had given him just before dinner had been far stronger than he'd anticipated, and he'd struggled to even stay awake enough to eat half of the meal. By eight pm, he was sure he must have been sound asleep.
He lay back down again, sighing exhaustedly, he felt drained and heavy, slightly hot thanks to the plastic he'd slept on. The plastic on the mattress smelled of sex and sweat now, he supposed it was better than the mattress itself smelling like that.
It took almost an hour for him to pull himself together enough to go shower and change; it was nearly ten am by the time he wandered downstairs. The only person in the kitchen was Logan, much to his disappointment. Right now, really Logan was the last person he really wanted to see – he'd only been thankful the man had not been at dinner the night before.
Coul' have been fatal, Remy reminded himself uneasily, thinking of how he'd stabbed the man in the shoulder. I got lucky that it was him and not someone else...
Logan glanced up from the newspaper he was reading, his expression slightly dark and cautious. Remy said nothing and went to the coffee maker, there was just enough for one cup, although it was barely even lukewarm.
Remy sipped from the cup of black unsweetened coffee, it was foul and the temperature of it only made it even less palatable.
"Charles wants to see you in his office when you're ready," was all Logan opened with.
Remy stared into his cup of black liquid, his stomach churned a little, "Yeah. I know."
Logan's eyes dropped back to his paper, he went back to reading, never saying anything else. Remy felt the thick tension hanging around them both, felt the icy cold breeze that usually started just before Jean-Luc appeared these days.
"Listen, I..." Remy began, "I...never meant-"
Logan's eyes lifted, gazing over the top of the newspaper, his brows furrowing a little.
"I don' know what got int' me..." Remy drew a breath, "the other night...wit' the knife."
"It wasn't a knife, it was a letter opener," Logan responded, his eyes back to the paper.
"I didn' mean for that t' happen."
"You think because I healed that everything is A-okay?" Logan snorted. "You think an apology is going to make everything all better? You were frantic, Gumbo. I've never seen you like that. I've seen less wild-eyed lunacy in nut-houses...it was like you'd lost all reason."
Remy put the cup down on the table, his stomach churned as he relived it. "I don' know how t' explain it."
"It doesn't take a genius to know what was going on in your head," Logan muttered. "What I don't know is what made you think I was capable of that."
Remy felt sick to the stomach just thinking of it, "I wasn' thinkin' clearly."
"I've done a lot of creepy things in my life, LeBeau. That isn't one of them."
It felt impossible to explain how fear had been stronger than any kind of logic at that moment, how Jean-Luc's constant hissing in his ear had poisoned every thought he'd had and made him believe it was going to happen.
"Just so you know, if I didn't know the circumstances and I didn't know your situation," Logan warned, "You wouldn't be here right now."
"I know."
"I don't take kindly to bein' attacked, Remy. I don't like liars and I don't like druggies, and right now you're treading on some pretty thin ice in this place."
"I know," Remy said again, looking away from him.
"I get that you're struggling. You were a kid, it's horrible and tragic, but it doesn't need to control your life now. Bastard is dead, he doesn't have any power over you any more."
Wish that were true, Remy thought dully.
"You need to fix this and fast, you need to work with Charles, work with the shrink, you need to start facing this instead of hoping it'll go away on its own. Otherwise you're not going to be welcome here much longer. Charles believes he can help you, I believe we can help you, that's the only reason we've let you stay up until now. But there's only so much we can allow. You're becoming a liability. Either you deal with whatever happened, or you can't stay here."
Remy drew his breath, "It ain' like I ain' tryin'."
"You're not trying. You're avoiding, and you keep it up, the end of this week you'll be out the door. We have to protect the others, you know that."
After taking one more sip from the coffee cup, Remy headed for the door, "I better see the Professor."
Rogue pushed her pasta salad around on the plate listlessly, it had seemed appetising and colourful when it had been in the large serving dish at the salad counter. Now it just seemed grey, a few flecks of red and green pepper did nothing to make it seem more appealing, and it didn't seem to actually have any kind of dressing as far as she could tell. It looked like boiled pasta with vegetables, unappetising and dry. The thought of eating it made her feel sick, she wasn't sure if it was the pregnancy, stress, or simply that it just looked disgusting.
She gazed around the cafeteria, it was packed today because the weather outside was wild with heavy rain. It had been near impossible to get a table and in the end Kitty, Kurt and herself had managed to get a table with only three chairs at the very back. The others were right across the other side of the cafeteria crammed at a table with freshmen. Rogue didn't envy them.
"Aren't you hungry?" Kurt asked, he was munching on a sandwich, it seemed to be mostly consisting of lettuce and one very thin slice of ham. Rogue felt the cafeteria food was seriously going downhill.
"Not really," she pushed her plate forward.
Kurt dropped the sandwich and pulled her plate towards him, digging the fork in and taking a bite, "ew, what is this? It tastes like wallpaper paste."
"How would you know?" Kitty asked, lifting her eyes from the book she was looking at over her lunch.
"A little splattered into my mouth last month when I was helping Logan re-paper the rec room," Kurt shrugged. "Where's Tabitha? Lunch is nearly over and she hasn't even shown."
"Maybe she went out for Lunch," Kitty reasoned, "Looking at that slop, I can understand why..." she eyed Rogue's pasta salad with a grimace. She put her book down and lifted her own sandwich, "Rogue, you look a little queasy."
"Yeah, Ah'm fine, just tired," Rogue ran her gloved finger absently across the table.
"Don't know how, you slept in longer than most of us," Kitty mumbled.
"Maybe you're getting sick," Kurt reasoned, "that flu has been going around..."
"Maybe," Rogue decided to go along with the idea if simply to have him drop the subject.
"I guess Gambit is skipping school today," Kurt glanced around the cafeteria distractedly, "I didn't see him during any classes."
"He seemed a little weird yesterday," Kitty lowered her voice, "Like...I don't know...it's hard to tell 'cause of his weird eyes and all, but he looked totally doped up."
Rogue frowned, "doped up?"
"Yeah," Kitty said, "sluggish...sort of didn't have much energy for anything. Didn't you notice?"
"He was just tired," Rogue explained.
"I don't think so," Kitty remarked astutely. "You know what I'm thinking?"
"What?" Rogue asked, rolling her eyes, "please tell me, I'm dying to know," she added sarcastically.
Kitty leaned forward a little, keeping the discussion between the three of them. "I think the drug test was about him."
Rogue blinked, "excuse me?"
"That...does kind of make sense, I guess," Kurt suddenly admitted, "He...has been kind of...weird lately."
"Define weird?" Rogue demanded.
"I don't know, shifty...sort of staring into corners a lot, been quiet. When he first got here he was the life of the party, used to hang out with us, now he just sits quiet and says nothing," Kurt explained.
Kitty nodded, "Yeah, you're right..." she turned to Rogue, "You're his bud, is something going on with him?"
"No," Rogue lied. Not that he'd tell me if there was.
Without warning, Rogue felt the nausea coming up again. She sat there, trying to breathe it away, it was rising within her, hot and acidic, right in the back of her throat.
"Rogue?" Kurt asked.
She didn't have time to answer, she held her hand over her mouth hard and shot up from the chair, running for the nearest restroom at top speed, nearly knocking over two freshmen with their food trays in the process.
She barely made it, she threw a cubicle open and leaned over the toilet, just as it spilled from her, she held herself up on the wall. It had been so sudden, almost all morning she'd been all right other than in History class when her teacher's cologne had made her feel a little queasy.
"Rogue?" she heard Kitty's voice outside of the cubicle.
"Ah'm okay..." she said, trying to breathe away the nausea.
"You just like, went totally like, green..." Kitty said.
"Ah'm fine," Rogue wiped her sweaty forehead, "Ah think Ah have a bug or somethin'," she lied, she listened to the sound of running water, the door to the cubicle opened and Kitty leaned in, holding out some wet paper towels. "Thanks."
"Rogue...are you sure everything is okay? You look dreadful..."
"Gee, thanks," Rogue leaned over the toilet, she retched but nothing came up.
"Maybe I should call Logan or something...someone to come get you..."
"Ah'm fine..."
"You were sick in the plane a few days ago, now this...you could have something really nasty...vomiting is not a good thing."
"Look, if it gets any worse, Ah'll call Logan myself, okay?" Rogue sighed.
"Okay..." Kitty said, "it's time for French. I grabbed your bag for you..."
"Give me a moment," Rogue asked.
"Okay, I'll wait outside just to be sure you're okay."
Rogue nodded, and listened to the girl's footsteps as she left the bathroom. A new wave of vomit came up, it was very little; the last of yesterday's dinner. Ugh, how long does mornin' sickness last for anyway?
"Remy, you need to relax."
Remy closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind but it was impossible, his mind seemed incapable of clearing itself. "I'm tryin'," he claimed.
"The problem is that you're trying, if you're concentrating on trying to relax, then you're going to be tense," Professor Xavier said, "Just lie still and relax your breathing. Focus only on your breathing."
Remy took a deep breath and sighed it out. It was difficult to clear his mind when so much was still going on in it. He felt the Professor's close proximity. He was lying across the couch in his office, the Professor's hands at either side of his head, looming over him. The room was getting cold, the ticking of the clock was too loud.
He couldn't clear his mind of thoughts of Rogue and yesterday.
Just because we had makeup sex and agreed on keepin' our stuff private bein' fine...it doesn't mean everythin' is okay. She still seemed miserable at dinner, he thought.
"Focus on your breathing," the Professor warned again.
"This isn't workin'," Remy frowned.
"In and out, in and out."
"I can breathe or not breathe 'til I'm blue in the face, Professor, I got too much goin' on in my head..." Remy pushed the Professor's hands away and sat up slowly, he rubbed his head, he was getting a headache from all of this, it seemed that the harder the Professor pushed with his mind, the more his head seemed to hurt. "All I'm gettin' is a migraine."
The Professor gave a frustrated sigh, his expression dark as he tried to think of another solution.
"Maybe y' shoul' sedate me again," Remy mumbled.
"No," the Professor shook his head, "that isn't a long term solution."
"Y' jus' love that, wouldn' y'?" Jean-Luc's voice echoed across the room. "Keep y'self drugged up f' life, never see my ass again."
Remy glanced around the room uneasy.
"What is it?" Professor Xavier asked worriedly.
"He's here..."
"Where?" the Professor glanced around the room too, almost as if he expected to see the ghost as well.
"I...I don' know, I can't see him...I can jus' hear him..."
"Y' only makin' it easier f' him t' think y' a lunatic. That's fine...if y' wan' spend y' life locked up in that little steely jail cell. Y' think I can't get y' in there?"
Professor Xavier placed a hand upon Remy's head, Remy flinched away instinctively, the touch was unwelcome, made him tremble and his skin crawl.
"I need to connect to you if you expect me to help you."
"Y' know what, Professor..." Remy stood up, "we been at this f' an hour...it ain' workin'...all y' doin' is givin' me a headache."
"You're stronger than this, Remy. Don't give up. Fight it. I've seen you accomplish so much since you arrived, you know you're capable of this."
"I can't clear my head! I got too much goin' on in it. Bastard lives there..."
"Y' can't clear a mind that's full o' junk and failure," Jean-Luc chuckled.
Remy spied the wispy decaying vision of Jean-Luc in the mirror above the mantle, he looked away. "He's behind me..."
Professor Xavier stared at the empty space, "I can't sense anything..."
"Y' feel the cold?" Remy asked.
"No, it's rather warm in here, really..." the Professor explained.
Remy reached out and touched the Professor's bare hand, "feel my fingers? Feel how col' they are? That's him, he sucks the warmth out o' me, tries t' suck the life out o' me."
"Y' wan' suck the life out o' me?" Jean-Luc hissed near his ear. "Jus' like y' used t'?"
"Enough!" Remy turned and yelled at it.
"Y' never coul' get enough. Y' was always awake...all hours o' the night, waitin' f' it...ready when I was. That 'fraid look in y' eye...used t' make it so much better..."
"Make it stop!" Remy pleaded the Professor, "Make him stop!"
Professor Xavier reached towards a small wallet upon his desk, "very well..." he unzipped it and flattened it out upon his lap, "give me your arm..."
Remy slowly sat back down upon the couch, listening to Jean-Luc yelling at him.
"It won' make a difference! Drug y' self all y' want! I won' go away!"
The warm rush of the sedatives pushed through his blood, it wasn't long before he felt the effects, the heaviness weighing him down until he slouched into the cushions, eyelids so heavy he could barely keep them open.
"How do you feel?" Professor Xavier asked.
Remy gazed up to where Jean-Luc had been standing, the image of him was fading away to grey nothingness, blending into the wall behind him. "It's...goin'..." he responded tiredly.
"I don't know how well this will work with you under the influence," the Professor said calmly, "But I want you to try to clear your mind, let yourself be open. Imagine a wall in your mind...a wall you've kept up for years to keep others out...for the first time you notice a door...all it takes is for you to open the door, Remy. All you need to do is leave the door ajar and I can reach you..."
Remy closed his eyes, he felt the pushing of the Professor's powers, that strange almost dense pressure like trying to push two magnets together, his mind was struggling to push the Professor away. He couldn't imagine the door in the wall he had up, he couldn't imagine the wall very well at all.
Professor Xavier's warm hand pressed against his forehead, it felt strangely soothing and oddly welcome despite he didn't quite like being touched by men. Warmth and safety rushed over him, was the Professor influencing him to feel that?
"Wha' y' doin'?"
"Trust me..." the Professor said, "I'm going to keep you safe..."
There was a dark room with no drapes and no blinds at the window, it was just an empty square staring out into infinite darkness and yet the brightest of moonlight seemed to be burning through lighting everything so he could see barely any furniture other than a bed and a dresser...and there was a door that was closed. Everything seemed strangely askew as Remy lay there, shivering, knowing what was coming. He could hear the drunken sounds of Jean-Luc stumbling up the stairs, could hear the mumbling and half-singing incoherent songs. The footsteps were heavy.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
The door swung open, and Remy pulled the blankets over his head.
"Y' think y' can hide from me? Y' think a blanket gon' save y'?"
The covers were yanked from him although he tried as hard as he could to hold onto them. He felt like an adult yet when he looked at his arms and fingers as the blanket was torn away from him he saw a child's hands, a child's smooth skin lit by impossibly bright moonlight.
He couldn't help himself from looking up at Jean-Luc, expecting to see him as he was then, but instead seeing the decayed and rotten version of him, a zombie with barely any strands of hair, jelly-like eyes and teeth rotting out of his skull, skin crawling with insects, tiny maggots filling the gashes in his cheeks. He was reaching for the belt of his tattered and horrifically stained jeans; Remy recognised that shifting sound of leather rushing against denim as the belt was pulled loose. It was always Jean-Luc's favourite method of restraint.
"Y' gon' be still or y' gon' know all about pain, boy," warned Jean-Luc. "Y' remember the last time, don' y'?"
Remy stared down at the mattress between his childlike legs and he saw the stains on the sheets, the blood that hadn't washed out completely...it was still there.
He couldn't do this again.
Remy gasped, despite the sedation he pulled himself from the couch, almost stumbling into the table and falling over it. He had to grab onto the nearby end table to steady himself.
"It's all right, you're safe..." the Professor promised.
Remy shook his head, his eyes welling with tears.
"He can't touch you here..."
"Y' wrong..." Remy gasped, he instinctively went to sweep his hair from his forehead but he had forgotten it wasn't there, the soft brush of what was left was all he felt.
"Sit down..."
"No...I can't...I need t' stand...I need t'...god I can feel it, I can still..." Remy shuddered, "Y' can't make me go back there again..." he breathed heavily.
Professor Xavier tilted his head, "you were the one to take me there, Remy..."
Remy stared at the man, slightly horrified at the thought that he himself might have caused that entire scenario somehow.
"I don't know what to make of what I have just seen through your eyes, Remy..." Professor Xavier continued, his voice soft, "I can't tell if this ghost truly exists or not. What I do know is...is that to you, this is very real...and very dangerous."
"What am I supposed t' do?" Remy asked.
"I can attempt to suppress some of your memories..." the Professor decided with a sigh.
Remy shakily leaned against the wall, "I used t' know how t' suppress it myself...but that was before he died...its hard t' ignore when I have t' look at it every day...y'...y' think it's really possible?"
"Suppressing your memories telepathically will not be easy, Remy. Getting through to you right now put a great strain on my power, your walls are almost impossible to break through and even the short time I spent in your head drained me considerably. This is going to take time and patience..."
Remy swallowed hard, he felt like sobbing but he wasn't about to do that in front of the Professor, he couldn't stand the thought of it.
"It's also going to require you to be willing..."
"Willing?" Remy asked exhaustedly.
"You'll have to be willing to relive things, perhaps several times until I can find a way to weaken the memories, to bind them, to push them to the back of your mind."
"Relive them..." Remy repeated, horrified by the thought of having the Professor see them. It had been bad enough the Professor had seen this, and nothing had even happened, Remy had pushed him out before anything could happen.
"I have no guarantees that this will rid you of the ghost you're seeing, Remy. But suppressing some of the memories may ease the presence of it."
"What if it makes it worse?" Remy asked quietly, "what then?"
"I wish I had an answer."
Remy stared away, feeling his eyes grow misty, "so do I."
Rogue was glad when finally the school day was through, she stared out of the window trying to focus on suppressing her nausea as Kurt pulled the X-Men's van up the long driveway. She hadn't been able to even drive the others home, she'd been struggling to focus, she was so incredibly tired that she was afraid she'd fall asleep at the wheel; she'd insisted in this case Kurt be the one to drive them home.
"I wonder if the Danger Room is up and running yet," Kurt said sounding slightly upbeat.
"Hope so," said Kitty, "I could really use a work out after the stressful day I just had. Madame Fontaine is such a jerk..."
"Yeah," Kurt agreed.
Rogue had found herself drifting in and out of French class, every now and then glancing towards Remy's empty desk and wondering why he hadn't come to school. It was quite worrying.
Wish Ah hadn't gone either, she thought miserably.
It struck her that perhaps the only perk about being pregnant might be that she could stay home and finish her education through home schooling; she was certain Hank would be more than willing to help her with everything.
The more she thought about the pregnancy, the more sick she felt. She just couldn't get it out of her head today, she was sure her school work had suffered badly for it today and she was certain the test she'd taken after lunch had probably been one-hundred percent wrong.
Ah'm definitely gettin' an F. F for fucked, she realised.
"Wish Remy had been at school," Kitty commented, "He would have totally known how I was supposed to translate that phrase."
"You think if I dressed as Madame Fontaine for Halloween, it'd be scary enough?" Rahne asked from the back.
"Probably not," Amara commented. "You'd probably find a dress like hers easily enough though, she probably shops at thrift stores."
"I haven't even got my costume yet," Kurt commented. "I still don't know what to go as."
"Go as yourself," Rahne said, "that's what I'm going as."
"Yeah, but you can like, palm yourself off as a werewolf," Kurt said to her, "I'm not sure there's a movie monster I can really claim to be."
"Creature from the Blue Lagoon?" Bobby joked.
"Blue Lagoon is a movie about sex, numnuts," Ray commented. "I think you mean Black Lagoon, and even then...Kurt looks nothing like that."
"What if we dyed your fur?" Jubilee asked, "Maybe you could go as a werewolf too?"
"Why dye his fur?" Amara asked, "he could use his image transducer to fake it."
"Maybe," Kurt realised, "last time I altered my appearance using it, I ended up accidentally giving myself boobs, though..."
"Yeah, those were some awesome boobs," Jamie laughed from the back, "who'd have thought you'd have looked better with double D's..."
"I'd have totally just spent the day looking at them," Bobby said wistfully.
"Enough with the boob talk, please?" Kitty asked, sounding rather bored with the conversation.
"Yeah, you're just bitter because you don't have any," muttered Jamie under his breath.
"What are you going as, Kitty?" Rahne asked.
"Not sure yet," Kitty shrugged. "Maybe Cleopatra or something."
"How is Cleopatra remotely scary?" dared Amara.
"Fine, I'll do the mummified version of her," Kitty frowned a little.
"You know they never even found Cleopatra's mummy," Amara muttered.
"So?" Kitty rolled her eyes.
Kurt parked the van just outside of the garage, as Scott's car was blocking the entrance, "did you get your costume for the party, Rogue?"
Rogue sighed a little, "Ah'm...not sure Ah'm even goin'." How can Ah go to halloween? Ah'm pregnant...What if Ah'm just sick the entire time?
"I thought you were going with Remy?" Amara asked from the back.
Rogue could feel Tabitha staring at the back of her head, she could practically feel invisible daggers pointed right at her brain. "Ah don't know if that's still in the pipeline or not."
"Better figure it out, there's only four days left to get a costume...and all the best costumes are probably already gone," Amara pointed out.
Rogue climbed out of the van and headed inside, she heard the others at her back still discussing Halloween. She immediately went upstairs to her room, eager to change out of her clothes; she'd managed to splatter a little vomit on her shirt and although she'd wiped most of it off, she still could smell the bitter smell a little.
Her room was slightly tidier than she remembered it being. Something was off, she couldn't place it at first, and then she realised what it was. The closet door hung open and all her blouses – the ones that Remy had bought her – were hanging up. She sighed and moved over to her dressing table and pulled open the drawer she normally kept her makeup in. All the makeup Remy had bought her had been placed back within.
The iPhone he'd given her was sitting on the top of the dressing table, charger plugged into it. She sighed and sat down slowly. It looked like reconciliation she supposed; she wondered how long that would last if he should find out about her current condition.
She took a glove off and swept her thumb across the touch screen to check the phone for messages. There was just one, from Remy.
I love you, was all it said.
She sighed and thought about how to reply. She wanted to say it back but it felt too soon after his keeping the kiss from her. She tapped out a response. Where were you?
Several moments passed but there was no response to the message she sent, she gave up on receiving one and went to get changed, shifting out of her skinny dark grey jeans and dark green blouse and into a pair of comfortable black cotton leggings and a long sleeved t-shirt. She stared at herself in the mirror; Kitty had been right...she did look awful.
Her face was slightly pasty and clammy, she looked puffy and tired. Her makeup had smudged with the sweat, her eyeliner had run a little.
Wasn't pregnancy supposed to make women glow? This wasn't a glow...this was sweat. She used a makeup wipe to sweep makeup from her face, her eyes looked darker than before thanks to the staining of the dark eyeshadow and waterproof mascara.
You look real good now, she thought darkly at herself, trying to get rid of all the residue. If Ah decide to have this kid, do Ah have to stop dressin' like this? Do Ah have to dress all mom-like with sensible shoes and pastel colours?
It seemed to her that no matter where she had shopped for her clothes, there was never a maternity option for gothic wear.
"I was sick."
Rogue raised her eyes from her reflection to see Remy standing at the door, leaning there. Kitty was right, he did look somewhat vacant and doped. How had she missed that last night?
She supposed she should forgive herself for not noticing this...she had problems of her own that were somewhat preoccupying.
"Are you okay?" she asked, turning around on the stool.
"Yeah, jus' been a little sick," he responded, "I guess I ain' got over this flu thing yet."
"You aren't coughin' anymore."
"Yeah...I know," he said, his eyes shifted from her. Why did he look almost strangely guilty about that? "How was school?"
"It sucked, like always," Rogue went back to trying to clear her makeup from her face, "You didn't miss much other than a test in English."
"Yeah, I'm so sorry I missed that," he muttered sarcastically.
"You look tired," she commented, getting a clean wipe from the packet and sweeping it across her eyelids.
"So do you," he said, stepping in to the room all the way and coming over to her, "y' lookin' a lil' pasty."
"Think Ah'm gettin' what you have."
She caught the frown on his face, why did he seem strangely suspicious of that?
"I put all y' stuff back, by the way."
"Yeah...Ah...noticed," Rogue responded quietly. She couldn't help but think Tabitha would be utterly furious if she knew about that. She wanted to feel almost smug at the thought but somehow couldn't. She couldn't feel smug about anything right now. How could she feel anything but stressed when there was a child within her.
Remy, Ah'm pregnant, she thought at him. She wished he were a mind reader, but judging by his lack of response, he clearly was not.
You know how you said you never want to be a father? She thought, rehearsing how she may say it. Funny thing is, you're gonna be...
Rogue stared down in the drawer of all her makeup items, thinking of how Remy had gone and shopped for all this...he'd been with Tabitha...had that girl picked any of this out? "Ah...Ah've been thinkin'..."
"Yeah?" he asked softly.
"About what you said about us...about how you don't want it to end."
Remy's hands landed gently upon her shoulders and he squeezed them gently, "yeah?" he asked hopefully.
"Ah don't want it to end either," she said, "But...if it doesn't then...it has to be give and take..." she looked at his reflection, trying to meet his eyes. He was looking at her shoulders, rubbing them gently, massaging a little.
"What kind o' give and take?"
"Ah...know that you have some things that...you don't want to tell me but...Ah think maybe...just...if you'd open up a little more..." she sighed, "so Ah can feel like Ah know you..."
"Chere, I..."
"Ah can't be there for you, Remy...not if you won't let me be. It's fine to have some secrets...but Ah don't want to be the person you can't trust, the person you feel like you can't open up to. Even if you don't tell me everythin'...Ah just...Ah want to be part of your life...no matter how scary or dark it is..."
He squeezed her shoulders, "okay...I'll..." he took a breath, "I'll try t' be more open...I swear..."
"That's not all..." she said.
"Yeah?"
"If you're serious about this...about us," she licked her lips, "then Ah need you to stay away from Tabitha..."
"But-"
"Ah know she's your friend, but...she wants more. She's not gonna give up, Remy...she always takes what she wants."
"She's not gon' take me, I tol' her I love my wife..."
Rogue frowned, "but she still keeps tryin'...she's still hangin' around lookin' for you, tryin' to get your attention...hopin' you'll look her way. If you stay her friend you're as good as leadin' her on. It's not fair to her...and it's not fair to me."
"So...y' sayin' I got t' sever all ties...it's you or her?" he asked quietly.
"Ah'm sayin' if you stay friends with her, Remy...and anythin' else happens, whether she initiates it or not...then...that's it, game over. Ah can't go through this. It hurts. She kissed you...it's the one thing Ah'll never be able to do with you...and she got to. Ah can't deal with that...not on top of everythin' else right now."
He was silent, his reflection had a deep expression, eyes staring into space.
"This is the last chance, Remy..." she said, "If you want me to have a relationship with you, be open about it with my friends, Ah can't be lookin' over my shoulder, and Ah can't be havin' to explain myself about why you and her are closer than we are. Right now everyone thinks Ah'm bein' a bitch for tryin' to steal you from Tabitha, that she had first dibs on you...Kitty seems to think you and Tabitha were in a relationship already..."
"We weren't, I swear," he promised.
"Ah know. Ah asked her if she slept with you and her reaction was pretty direct enough that Ah believe nothin' happened..." Rogue said, "But that doesn't mean if you guys stay friends that somethin' won't..."
He sighed deeply.
"You can work with her on the team, you can talk with her in front of the others, but nothin' private. No hangin' out at the mall, no quiet talks at night...nothin' else."
Remy looked her straight in the eyes, "Okay."
"Really?" she asked, surprised that he'd given in so easily.
"If that's how it's got t' be. I said f' better or worse when we made our vows...I said I'd do anythin' make y' happy...so far I've done a pretty shitty job."
Rogue didn't want to disagree, it wasn't that he'd done a poor job of making her happy, it was that he simply was making all the wrong choices. She supposed someone who hadn't had a proper relationship before was bound to make some errors, but surely it was time to learn from them.
"Maybe...maybe we shoul' go t' dinner t' gether...talk it out..." he suggested as he continued to massage her shoulders, "maybe you 'n' me coul' go t' that new seafood place that just opened in town."
Rogue winced a little. Wasn't seafood against the rules if she was pregnant? Weren't there certain things she wasn't supposed to eat? It wasn't that she had made up her mind whether or not she wanted to keep this child yet, but she knew until she had made up her mind, she had to be careful. "Ah...don't think so."
Ah don't think Ah'm supposed to eat seafood, Remy, she thought of saying. She wondered if he might guess.
"Oh," he said, his expression disappointed, his voice dull.
Rogue studied his reflection, he looked so vacant and so terribly unhappy. She wanted to ask what was wrong, but she sensed even if she did he'd never answer honestly. He'd evade, just like he always did. "Ah'm...really not into seafood all that much."
"Oh."
"Besides..." she gestured to her clothes, "Ah'm not really dressed for date night..."
"I suppose not."
"And this waterproof mascara is not comin' off," she sighed, throwing the wipe she'd been using stubbornly into the trash by the dressing table.
"Okay," he agreed to drop the subject and accept defeat, his hands were still gently massaging at her shoulders, Rogue let her head drop a little, the tension she'd been carrying there all day thanks to her anxiety about being a mother was starting to slightly lift.
"That's good..." she sighed.
"Can feel y' tense," he admitted.
"It's been a hard day," she confessed.
"Wan' talk about it?"
"Not really," she responded. Secrets, remember? You said it was okay to have them, she thought.
He squeezed her shoulders harder, "y' need anythin'?"
Advice about the right decision?
"Ah'm fine...Ah may take a nap before dinner..." she responded.
"Y' wan' me t' lie wit' y'?"
"That's not a good idea..." she glanced towards the open door, she wasn't sure why she didn't feel quite as nervous about being caught as he once had been, but there was still apprehension all the same that she couldn't help. It was almost force of habit now. "Besides...you have school work to catch up on. Teachers asked me to pass it onto you, it's in my school bag," she gestured to the bag she'd dumped on the end of her bed.
Remy stared at the bag, his expression was sullen.
"What is it?" she asked.
"I jus'...I dunno if it's really worth me goin' back, y' know. I don' think its workin' out."
"Come on, Remy, you only have until next year, it isn't that long, really."
"I know, but-" he tried.
Rogue turned towards him, "then you'll have graduated, you'll actually have graduated, Remy..." she reminded, "you'll have something to show for it..."
"Graduatin' ain' gon' really do me much good in life though."
"Ah know that..." she stood slowly and moved over to the bed to open the bag and fish out his school work. "Ah know you've gotten so far in life without barely needin' to know about half the stuff we learn every day..." she handed him the books, "But this is your last chance to be a teenager...next year, it's gonna be harder."
Remy accepted the books, his expression sullen.
"Besides, what if you decide you want to go to college?" she asked.
Remy hovered, "Ain' really considered the possibility. T' be honest, don' know why I'd go or what I'd wan' study."
Rogue sat on the edge of the bed, staring at him.
"I didn' plan f' this future," he reminded her. "Up until this summer, I'd figured I was gon' work f' a few years, get t' gether enough t' retire and move t' somewhere like St. Tropez...live the high life..." he seemed to chew the inside of his cheek. "I only agreed t' do this school thing 'cause I figured it was gon' be the only way I coul' spend more time wit' y'...'cause y' time is so limited here..."
"What about the future?" she asked softly. What kind of future did he see for them in a few years time? Was this it? Was this the only stop he planned to make along the way until he could no longer fight? Until he ended up hurting himself or getting himself killed?
"What about it?" he sat beside her slowly, he clasped his hands between his knees, he stared dully towards the floor. Rogue examined him, he looked so incredibly distant at that moment. What kind of future did he imagine right then?
"Don't you think about it?" she asked. Don't you think about children and where we'd live if we left the team?
"We both know that as far as life as a mutant goes, some o' us don' got much choice but t' accept the hand we was dealt. My hand...it's pretty good right now...I got the queen o' hearts, and I don' need more than that."
How was she supposed to tell him that life was about to hand him the joker card?
Fuck, she thought miserably, she scratched her knee absently, the reality of raising a baby on her own was getting more and more likely. Even if he did want to do this...he's so...unpredictable. He takes off at the drop of a hat, he could start drinkin' at any time, and he loses his temper sometimes so easily. Ah'm not sure fatherhood for him would be a good idea right now, Ah don't know how reliable he is for that kind of life...he's not prepared.
"You...don't want more?" she asked softly.
"I want us t' be...y' know..." he chewed his lip.
"What?"
"Able t' be t' gether...no keepin' this on the down low..." he touched her hand, "us t' be closer...maybe t' be able t' share a room..."
Rogue found herself wondering if she decided to keep the baby if that would be allowed. Would they be able to share a room, be honest with the others about being married?
"Lets...just take it slow, okay?" she asked softly. "Lets get through the dance first..."
"Okay," He agreed, he raised her hand and brushed a kiss against her gloved knuckle, "whatever y' want. However this goes, whatever happens, it's up t' you now...we'll go at your pace...long as we're t' gether."
Rogue heard a soft footstep near her open door, and she turned quickly, she was surprised to see Hank arriving; his expression changed quickly at the sight of them together; it wasn't so much surprised as slightly embarrassed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Hank, "I didn't mean to interrupt-"
"It's fine," Remy drew a breath, "I was jus' leavin'..." he picked up his books and stood slowly. He looked at Rogue, "see y' after dinner? Maybe we study?"
"Yeah..." Rogue nodded, her cheeks flushing. Had Hank seen their hands touch? Had he seen the way Remy had tenderly kissed her knuckles? Had he heard Remy's words about being together?
Remy left, passing by Hank; the two seemed to share a strange glance, Rogue wasn't certain what it was that was being said silently between them. Remy dropped his eyes almost awkwardly and left without another word.
Hank lingered at the door for a moment, "are you busy?"
"No," she supposed. So much for my nap.
He invited himself in and he closed the door quietly behind himself; she still felt somewhat unnerved by this action, when doors were closed, things were serious.
"So..." Hank moved over, he pulled the stool to her dressing table to face the bed and he sat down, "Remy, hmm?"
Rogue lowered her head and hid her hot cheeks beneath her hair.
"I have to say, I had my suspicions," he confessed, "before the test results came back as they did I'd sensed something was going on, you have a certain...closeness."
She dug her toe absently into the rug.
"Does he know?"
"No," she said quietly, "and right now Ah don't think Ah should really tell him..."
Hank didn't say anything to agree nor disagree. She had expected him to disagree, to complain about dishonesty. Why wasn't he arguing with her about it? "I know this is a rather...delicate subject, Rogue..." he gently said, "I just wondered if perhaps you needed anything...help or...advice."
She shrugged.
"I know the Professor can be a little...daunting to talk to. If you need someone to talk to...you know my door is always open..."
"Thanks," Rogue said, "But...Ah'm fine, really."
"Rogue," Hank sighed, "we both know you're not fine. You're extremely not fine, and there must be so much going through your mind right now."
Again, she shrugged.
"I'm doing all I can right now to research, looking for solutions, trying to predict the kind of scenarios we may face and how they might be dealt with. Ultimately, I'm hoping that I may find someone out there like you..."
Rogue scoffed, "the Professor has looked for mutants like me, Hank, there are none."
"Admittedly," Hank began, he kept his eyes on hers, so direct and engaging, "Your powers are rare. Incredibly rare, but statistically I cannot believe they are unique. And if I have to spend every day until your due date looking for a girl just like you who may have some answers – if I have to spend every night looking for answers until the day you deliver your child, I will."
Rogue gazed at him, realising he was going to be just another unfortunate casualty in this mess. He'd sacrifice hours and effort for nothing, just as the others would be forced to sacrifice hours and effort into raising a child she could never touch, just like the Professor would end up sacrificing money and resources to keep her and her child safe and supported.
My choice is going to be everyone's problem, she thought unhappily. Not just my problem, not just Remy's...everyone's.
"Hank, Ah think you'd be wastin' your time," Rogue sighed, "Thanks, but...this is my problem...Ah did this to myself and Ah have to figure out how to get through it on my own...
"You're wrong, you didn't do this to yourself, Rogue...it takes two people to create a life..."
"Ah know that," she stood up and paced towards the window. "But it's my problem."
"Why?" Hank asked, "Do you think he won't stand up?"
"Ah don't know," she sniffed back fresh tears, "Ah just know right now it's not the time to drop somethin' like that on him..."
Again, she'd given Hank ample opportunity to disagree but he was strangely silent on the matter. She let her hands rest on the windowsill and stared outside at the heavy rain. She felt as if it was raining on the inside too, flooding her room, flooding her life with misery.
"Have you seen a doctor yet?" Hank asked carefully.
"No," she shook her head.
"Perhaps the first step you should take before making any decisions is seeing the doctor, having a proper examination."
"You think there's any chance that you're wrong?" Rogue asked hopefully, "that your tests just...picked up somethin' by mistake?"
"No," Hank replied calmly, he looked away almost guiltily, "would you think me despicable if I admit I wished there were some kind of error?"
Rogue thought it funny he should feel guilty about that at all. She shook her head a little, sighing deeply.
"I ran those tests several times, Rogue. I was so...desperate...for that to be wrong. It's not that I don't think you're capable...or responsible..." he admitted softly, "or that you wouldn't be a good mother..." he sighed heavily, "I just didn't want to see you go through something like this so young..."
"Ah know," Rogue replied, "and to be honest, Ah can't blame you. Ah can't blame the Professor either for wishin' this hadn't happened. If Ah go through this, it's all gonna be complications and problems and commitments and sacrifices."
"We're a strange little family, here at the institute, Rogue," Hank reminded, "and family sacrifice for each other."
"Ah know that," she pushed herself from the window and sighed deeply. She touched her stomach almost on instinct, it didn't feel like there was anything there. "Ah'm really tired, Hank, Ah think Ah just need to sleep on this for now."
"Of course," Hank stood slowly and began to make his way to the door. Rogue sank down to the bed and lay on her side, she listened to his footsteps, he was strangely light on his feet for one so large.
He paused before opening the door, hesitating. Rogue listened to his heavy animal-like breath.
"Rogue?"
"Hmm?" she asked, lifting her head and glancing over her shoulder at him.
"I'm glad you've finally found someone," he admitted, "Remy is..." he paused, "he's a good man...just slightly misguided."
"Ah know," she forced a smile, it taking far more energy to do so that she had expected.
"When the time comes for you to make your decision about what to do," Hank opened the door, but stood there for a moment, "make it for you and for him, not for anyone else."
End of Part Thirty-Four