The fires that had once ravaged several areas of Alexandria were gone the day we returned. For the first time in a while, I am venturing out without Carl by my side. He elected to remain back with Judith and watch over the vehicles while Michonne, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Aaron, Eric, and I venture into our former home to search for anything salvageable. Of course, this is only the short term objective.
Long term, we hope to be able to rebuild the gate around Alexandria, clear out the walkers inside, and begin rebuilding the community. While Maggie and Rosita, in particular, had voiced their consent to simply keeping the former Alexandrians in Hilltop, Carl and I are determined to see the community Rick strove so hard to keep safe restored to its former glory. Daryl and Michonne had been easy to convince and, after them, the others soon joined in.
Surprisingly, there isn't a large walker presence in Alexandria. The few we encounter are easily dealt with.
"Why don't we split into groups and take different sides of the street?" Daryl eventually suggests once it's clear we can handle the walkers.
"Fine with me." Michonne replies. "I'll take Tanner and head towards our old place."
"We'll go the direction of the church." Glenn adds, motioning towards Maggie to include her.
"I'll go with these two then." Daryl says, indicating Aaron and Eric. "Meet back here in 'bout an hour."
The group splits as indicated and Michonne and I take off towards the house we've lived in for three years. It is one of the few houses that wasn't damaged by fire from the grenades in some way. In fact, for the most part, the house looks completely normal. As if the Saviors hadn't attacked Alexandria at all.
"You have things you want to get?" Michonne asks as we come to the front steps.
"Yeah," I reply simply, nodding my head. "Stuff from Carl and I's room mainly. I'll check the kitchen on my way back through."
Michonne nods as well, "I'll take Rick and Judith's old room then in addition to my own."
Even though it has only been a few days since we were last here, walking into the house is like taking a step into a haunted building. The wood creeks eerily as the two of us step inside and split up to search our separate ends of the house for useful belongings. As I had indicated to Michonne, though, I have an agenda all my own for being here. Swiftly jogging through the narrow hallway leading to Carl and I's bedroom, I push the familiar wooden door open to find the room exactly the way we left it the day the attack happened.
The room appears like any other room inhabited by two young adult men. Some clothes, a mixture of Carl's and my own, are draped lazily over a nearby desk chair. There is a pair of Carl's jeans laying awkwardly on the floor near his side of our bed. The sheets of said bed are strewn about messily: Carl and I never bother to make the bed every morning, which results in it looking like a chaotic bundle. Looking at the room like this, I'm taken aback at just how…. normal it looks.
It is truly amazing how close to a normal life we had before Negan came and shattered it. Was the thug's corpse not rotting as I thought all of this, it would've made me angry again.
My mind returns to the present and I immediately set about my task. Snatching one of Carl's old duffle bags, collected on one of the many runs we've been on, I begin stuffing our clothes in bit by bit. It's a tedious task, but we'll need them. Once I reach my side of the bed, specifically my night stand, I begin searching for what I'm really looking for.
Shortly after Carl and I got married, Glenn had found an old Polaroid camera which, by some act of God, still worked, and had given it to Carl and I. He and Maggie had a similar one from Hershel's farm and had used it to take pictures in the absence of modern cameras. There wasn't much film to use with it, so we were forced to use it sparingly, but Carl and I had taken a few pictures over the years that I have become quite fond of.
Pulling open the desk drawer, I sift through trinkets, pens, and an assortment of other odds-and-ends items until I find the small stack of photos safely tucked away closed to the bottom. Carefully, I extract the precious memories and dizzily collapse back into the edge of the bed as I begin to thumb through them.
Seeing these again, I can't help but smile.
The first is a picture of Carl and I together, cheeks pressed together making some hilarious face at the camera. If I remember correctly, it had taken both of us to hold the camera steady, one to push the button, but truly the image captured our rarely seen goofy side. The second is one Carl took of me early one morning as I was waking up. Carl loves this picture, because I truly look like the Grinch in it and now, looking at it in hindsight, I almost agree with him. Hair flying in every which direction, bloodshot eyes, and a glare that would kill if looks could, I'm truly a frightening figure to behold. If anyone ever doubted how terrible of a morning person I am, this picture would change their minds.
The third picture is similar to the second, taken by me of Carl asleep. One might say it was intended as payback for the previous picture of myself, but, like Carl, I truly enjoy this one. The peacefulness etched on his face while he sleeps is cute, or at least I think so. The final picture is perhaps my favorite. I suspect its Carl's too, because I've caught him staring at it on more than one occasion.
The final picture was taken by Rick. At the time, neither of us knew Rick had taken our camera, nor were we aware he was taking our picture until afterwards. Anyone looking at it can see why. The photograph depicts Carl and I laughing together at something we were talking about (only God knows what that could've been). Sitting next to me, he is slightly leaning into me, which makes it even cuter.
I'm so caught up in reminiscing over the memories in my hands that I never notice Michonne enter the room.
"Ready to go?"
Her sudden intrusion causes me to jump, nearly dropping everything I'm holding in the process. Leave it to Michonne to catch me off my guard.
"Jesus, Mich!" I exclaim, whipping around at her.
Michonne grins mischievously, "You should pay more attention." She teases. "C'mon. Get what else you need and let's go."
That, thankfully, is a simple task. Packing away the photographs with care, I set to work gathering the rest of the supplies I came back here for: namely the spare gun Carl always kept underneath our bed. Much like his father, Carl isn't one to take chances and, in the event that either of us were disarmed, he wanted us to have a backup option. Reaching under the bed, I snatch the loaded gun, switch the safety on and then carefully tuck it away inside the duffle bag.
"I already checked the kitchen." Michonne informs me when I emerge from the bedroom. "Let's go meet up with Daryl and the others. I imagine we'll be heading back to the cars."
Good.
All the memories I've been searching through has me longing for Carl. I can't wait to be with him again.
####
We arrive back at the cars without incident. Carl is perched up against the truck we'd driven together to get here, with Judith seated beneath him, playing with some twigs she'd found to entertain herself. He's clearly lost in thought because when I drop the duffel bag lightly on the ground next to him, he jumps as if startled. Normally I'd tease him about being caught off guard, but the urge to hug him overtakes my need to pester him, so I give in and embrace him tightly.
"You ready?" I whisper softly to him.
There is one last thing the two of us or rather, the three of us, have to do before we return to Hilltop. Carl doesn't reply verbally, nodding against my shoulder instead.
"You sure you don't want me to watch Judith here for you?" Michonne interjects as she approaches us.
I free Carl of my embrace and shake my head at her, "No, thanks." I reply with a soft smile. "She needs to come along. We'll keep an eye on her. It'll be just fine."
She nods, "Suit yourself. We'll be waiting for you three to get back before we return to Hilltop." Michonne adverts her gaze to Carl and then continues. "Take as much time as you need."
Carl nods solemnly. The task we have remaining is a simple one and a hard one all at once. Before the community came under attack and we were forced to flee to Hilltop, Rick Grimes, Carl and Judith's father, was buried here in Alexandria. When Carl and I volunteered to join the search party returning to the community, we'd both agreed to pay our respects to Rick and take Judith along with us. I know that visiting his father's grave is taking a toll on Carl. That's the source of his stormy mood.
Carl and I take up positions on either side of Judith, each taking one of her tiny palms into ours before the three of us set off back towards the gate. No one says a word to us as we leave. In their own way, I think the others know that we're beyond words at this point. The sentiments are conveyed regardless. As we reenter Alexandria, Carl attempts to strike up small talk to get his mind off the storm brewing inside of him.
"So, do you think it's possible?" he questions me. "Rebuilding this place?"
"It'll take some time and a lot of people." I reply truthfully. "But it can be done. It will be done."
"Did you visit home?" he continues.
"Yeah," I sigh, thinking back over the trip through the past I took while looking through our photographs. "Grabbed some clothes, your spare gun, and…. Some memories…"
We round the corner, the church which contains the cemetery now within our direct line of sight. Nervously, Carl shoves his free hand into his jean pocket and adverts his gaze to the side. Even though he's trying to hide it from me, the pain he's feeling is painted on his face like crimson on a blank canvas. I can't leave him like that. Festering in turmoil won't get him anywhere.
"Judy," my voice heightens in pitch as I speak to the younger girl, who beams at me innocently. "Why don't you walk on the other side of your brother and hold his hand for me, please?"
The younger Grimes chirps something unintelligible and releases Carl and I's hand, obediently following my request and childishly skipping over to the other side of her older brother; snatching his hand out of his pocket. For an instant, Carl is taken off guard, as he's not yet sure what's going on… that is until I extend my hand out towards him and motion for him to take it.
Carl takes his time, glancing first at my outstretched hand, then up to me. With a sigh that is as much a gesture of relief as it is of stress, Carl accepts my invitation and clasps my hand into his own. His hand is rough and warm, and I waste no time threading our fingers tightly together. We then resume walking towards the church. It's a short walk and finding Rick's grave isn't particularly hard.
Upon reaching the wooden cross which marks the spot, Carl releases our hands and steps ahead of us, staring down at his father's final resting place with a look of tremendous pain plastered in his remaining eye. Judith watches him, though she is significantly less affected. At three years old, Judith still doesn't understand the concept of death. She only knows that Rick is gone and won't be coming back. That alone had upset her for a while, but perhaps what upsets her most is seeing her brother so pained.
And Carl himself is quite a trooper. He fights his emotions, even here in the safety of family, closing his eyes and biting his lower lip to resist the urge to cry. But he's not getting off that easy. I won't let him.
"It's okay, Carl." I murmur to him, placing a supportive hand on his shoulder and giving him a loving squeeze. "It's just us."
Carl doesn't reply, likely because in doing so, he'd accidently release the display of feelings he's fighting so hard to keep inside. Instead, he shakes his head defiantly, determined to prove he can remain strong. Well, if that won't work, I'll try a different route.
"He'd be proud of you, you know?" I continue. "They both would be. You've become a fine man, Carl. You have no reason to feel ashamed."
Finally, he graces me with a look. It's a contorted look; the one given by a person who is trying so hard not to cry. I can see the telltale signs of tears welling in the corners of his eye as proof of this. I admire almost everything about Carl, but more than anything, I admire his strength and courage. I know how he feels to have lost both parents. It's a feeling that none but those who go through it can possibly comprehend.
"He…" Carl's first word comes out raspy, catching me slightly off guard. "He told me this day would come. That Mom would die. That he would die. He said I'd never be ready for it. Turns out… in the end… he was right."
Walking around behind him, I slide my arm around his waist and pull him into me, allowing him to rest his smaller frame against my larger one. He instinctively motions for Judith to come closer, which the child does without any protest, leaning up against her big brother in a similar fashion to how he's leaning on me.
"There's never a way to be ready for it, but," I reply. "You have people who will help you through it, if you let them. Mich, Glenn, Maggie, Daryl, Judith… me." I give him a gentle squeeze for emphasis. "We'll honor their memory by rebuilding our home, raising Judith right, and trying to find some normalcy in our lives. That's what your dad always wanted for us. I'd like to think that's what your mom would want to."
Carl sniffles slightly, raising his free arm to wipe the corners of his eye. When he removes it, I can see the glint of determination returning slowly to it. Carl has his emotional moments, but they never last long. He truly is the definition of fortitude.
"Yeah," he sighs solemnly. "Thanks, Tanner."
I offer him a brief smile, preferring to answer him instead with a short kiss on his cheek. The three of us spend the next several minutes in serene silence, thinking quietly to ourselves, even as we continue to reflect on Rick's life. Even I feel the unbearable weight of sadness on my chest. Rick and I's relationship has been as much of a process of evolution as Carl and I's has. From the first day I met him when he was that intimidating older man who was the father of the boy I had a crush on, to the father-in-law who was as much a father to me as my own was.
To lose someone that influential…
"C'mon," Carl says, breaking my train of thought. "Let's not keep the others waiting."
We each say our goodbyes to Rick's grave marker and depart without much more. Our return walk is silent, though we walk in a chain: Carl taking Judith's former place in the center. As we walk, I cannot help but admire them. Carl, my love, and his younger sister, whom I am equally charged with caring for now. The swelling sensation of pride fills my chest. I couldn't possibly be prouder of them than I am now. They are my world, of that I know for sure.
Upon reaching the gates, Daryl is the one who greets us.
"You two a'right?" the redneck asks, giving us both a once-over.
"Yeah, Daryl." Carl mutters almost under his breath. "Let's go back."
####
A system is developing out of the ruin of Negan's war. Over the next few days, Jesus and Ezekiel continued meeting with the members of our group to establish an agreement between our communities. By the fourth day, Dwight had joined in as well, surprising us all, but in a good way.
"A council?" Ezekiel was saying. "Elaborate further."
"It's a system we operated by when we were still in Georgia." Carol explains to them. "The leaders of the communities can form a council to make important decisions that affect us all. Trade, other groups, the walkers, matters of that nature."
Jesus fumbles with his beard as he mulls it over, "It's definitely a better system than we had before. I like it."
"I concur." Ezekiel replies. "Four communities moving as one organism will certainly serve as a preventive to any future Negan-like people or other such disasters."
Dwight nods, "And what of Alexandria? Will she rebuild?"
"She will." Now it's my turn to take part. "Priority on clearing walkers and rebuilding the gate so that it's habitable again. Once that's done we can take our time fixing internal damage."
"We can all lend you aid in that regard." Ezekiel adds. "It's the least we can do after what you did."
"Speaking of Alexandria," Jesus chimes in. "Have you chosen anyone to fill Rick's shoes? Must be a difficult search."
"Glenn has taken a lead in the recent days." Carol replies. "Daryl is, of course, always striving to help. They'll likely assume the reigns."
The conversation continues like this for hours, but I eventually tune it out. Carl and I have already decided our roles. The two of us have decided to withdraw from supply runs and our old duties, picking up farming instead. Carl has experience, as Rick had taught him a lot years ago at the prison. This will allow us to work at home and also take care of Judith.
He leans into me while we continue to listen to the others discuss concept and ideas for our fledgling alliance. Eventually, they stop, and we break off for the evening. Michonne, Carl, Judith, and I have all been sleeping in a vacant trailer since living in Hilltop. Though a temporary residence, it has been fairly comfortable. That evening, I enter the small bedroom where Carl, Judith, and I sleep.
For the moment, Michonne is entertaining Judith in another room, meaning the two of us have some rare alone time. Upon entering the room, I catch him thumbing through some of the photographs I'd brought back with me several days ago during our trip to Alexandria, making varying degrees of funny faces.
"If I didn't know any better," he says upon hearing me enter. "I'd say our life used to be somewhat normal looking at these."
I snort a brief laugh as I cross the room and plop down on the bed next to him, glancing over his shoulder at the pictures. "Yeah, we do look rather cozy in some of these, huh?" I entertain his question.
"Yeah…" he replies weakly. "Wish it were still that way."
"There's no reason it can't be." I reply, nudging him playfully. "It could be like that again if we really try. This could be a whole new start for us."
When Carl only replies with silence, I sigh and roll off the bed. Deciding to go ahead and get comfortable, I peel up the edges of my shirt and toss it off to the side of the room. The cool winter air feels nice after a long day.
"You know what we really need?" I break the silence as I kick off my jeans. "A vacation."
Now it's Carl's turn to laugh, "And where do you purpose we go?"
"I haven't been to the beach in a few years." I tease, slipping into some athletic shorts. "We could go in the summer when it's nice and warm. You've never been before, so it could be fun."
"I'm sure Daryl would be thrilled about us going on a trip." Carl retorts sarcastically, a grin touching his lips.
By this point, I've rejoined him on the bed and have wrapped my arm around him to pull him into a cozy embrace. Just the act of us laying here, talking about nothing of vital importance for once is relaxing in and of itself.
"Details, details." I joke, eliciting another chuckle from him.
We both sigh, almost at the same time, both sounding greatly relieved; as if being here with each other is slowly relieving each and every one of our burdens. After a few comfortable moments in silence, I feel the need to say something else, and so I do:
"I'm not going to make the same mistake this time and tell you everything will be okay now." I tell him, suddenly becoming serious again. "I know better now. The world is dangerous. I don't know when the next challenge will surface, or what form it'll take, or even what we'll do to be ready for it… but…" I realize, by this point, I'm gently running my fingertips through his hair, one of my favorite ways of showing him affection. "I want you to know, whatever it is, we'll face it as a team. Just like always.
"But, until then… Let's try to live a normal life. The world may be a hellhole, but that doesn't mean we have to live in fear. We can live normal, or as normal as possible, while being aware of our surroundings. I think that's what'd be best for Judith and for… well, both of us too."
Carl takes a moment to muster his response. When it does come, it is proceeded by a wet kiss to the cheek, which surprises me slightly; as I hadn't been expecting it.
"Okay," Carl replies. "Let's give it a shot."
Pleased with his answer, I muster up my strength and prop myself up to a position which puts him in easy reach. Once close enough, I lean in and brush my lips gently over his. Short of simply basking in his presence, kissing him is one of the quickest ways to calm my nerves and so I invest myself fully into doing just that.
"I love you, Carl Grimes." I breathe into his lips.
The noise my voice makes is raspy, almost sounding needy. Judging by the way I'm kissing him, the way that I'm clinging to him, as though my life depends on him to keep going, I'd have to agree that I am pretty needy, but I don't mind that. If he were to ask me, I'd have no problem admitting to him how much I need him. How much just being with him completes me. As cliché as that sounds, it's true.
"I love you too…" there's a brief pause in Carl's voice, followed by a toothy grin spreading across his face. "Tanner Grimes."
Well, if nothing else manages to make me smile ever again, then at least Carl can say he made me smile the widest I've ever smiled in my entire life. This is the first time, since I made the choice to take Carl's last name, that's he's acknowledged it and my heart swells with love and pride hearing it roll off his tongue. I reward him with another kiss.
The setting sun sends its powerful rays through the windows of our room, dousing us in orange light. Carl and I gradually allow the heaviness of sleep to overtake us, taking comfort in the fact that our family is in one place, safe for the moment, and that we're both in each other's arms again.
And so another bloody chapter, filled with grief and loss, in our lives comes to a close. But as I've said in the past, no matter how long darkness reigns, the sun will make its appearance at some point. Our darkest night has finally come to a close. This sorrowful life has taught me many lessons: to be always aware of my surroundings, to trust few but hold the few I do trust close, and to always let my loved ones know I love them, among those many lessons. As the sun sets beyond the boundaries of our temporary home, the sun is dawning on a new, more promising chapter of our lives.
And I can think of no one else I'd rather face that dawn with.
A/N: And there we have it. The conclusion to a two part story that has taken me since February to fully write and complete (This Cruel Reality being Part I, obviously). This story has been one of my favorite things ever to write, so I really hope each and every one of you have enjoyed it and taken something away from it. I'd like to personally thank each and every person who has taken time out of their day to read this story, follow it, and left me their comments and thoughts about it. Its been a fun run and a good journey and I could never repay you all for the wonderful encouragement, suggestions, and feedback you all have given. Now, we all need only wait a month for Season 5 to come out and then we can enjoy our regular, weekly The Walking Dead on television again! I can hardly wait!
Now, I'll respond to the reviews from the previous chapter. Feel free to review and leave comments for this one, or just PM me and I'd be happy to address each and every one of you personally! Here we go!
IamwhoIam987: Thank you so much! I worked really hard on that ending so I'm glad you felt that it captured everything so perfectly. Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Thanks! ^^
vmbaby: I should be thanking you! Thank you for sticking with me through both stories and giving your feedback! It has been an honor to have you (and all of you) as a reader! It really upsets me that I have to end this too, but as you said, all good stories have an end to them, and this is the end of this tale, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm glad you've enjoyed them so much and I will definitely keep writing! This will not be the last you see of me :) Thanks for your review!
Guest: Thank you for your kind remarks and for sticking with the story for so long! I truly appreciate it. I don't want it to end either, but I have to end it somewhere and this is exactly where I want them to end. Happy and together :) Thank you for your comment and review!
Once again, thank you all so much! I appreciate you all as people and readers. You've all been amazing!
Until the next adventure!
Later gang!