"Daddy higher!" X's laughter rang out through the park. I sat on our picnic blanket and watched Huey push X on the swings. The turnout to the "Healthy Lunch Foundation" picnic was amazing; nearly 500 people came out to the park to show their support of fighting against childhood obesity. Huey and I fully supported the foundation's mission to serve healthy but tasty meals in school. Healthy food was expensive though so the foundation was hoping that Huey would help convince Maryland legislator to allow some of the budget to be spent on revamping the school lunch system.
There was a nice breeze blowing through the decorated park. People sat around on blankets enjoying a sampling of the meals the foundation hoped to bring into the lunch system; the lunches were surprisingly good and filling. Children chased each other through the park under the watchful eyes of their parents making sure they didn't get hurt or lost. X and Huey grabbed water bottles and walked over to our blanket.
"Mommy, Daddy pushed me so high I almost fell off!" A mocked look of mortification claimed my face.
"I certainly hope you held on tight." I moved over a bit to let Huey sit beside me.
"Of course I held on Mommy. Daddy said after I finish my water bottle that I could have another slice of pie if it was ok with you." He tried his best puppy dog pout. I pretended to ponder and X eagerly awaited my approval.
"I guess one more slice couldn't hurt, but no more or else you'll have a stomach ache."
"Ok Mommy, I promise only one more." X gulped his water down so fast I was afraid he would choke. Once he was finished he turned the bottle upside down and exaggeratedly shook it to show that he had drank everything. I smiled and nodded to him and he threw the bottle into the recycling bin then took off for the picnic table that held the many donated desserts. Huey and I sat in unexpected comfortable silence and watched X ask for his second slice of cherry pie.
"This is the happiest he's been in a while." Huey looked at me through the corner of his eye. X was very animated all day from when Huey came to pick me up to playing at the park. This change from the past few weeks was so astounding it was hard to believe he was the same kid. While X's reaction to Dane was genuine, his happiness paled in comparison to his exuberance at Huey and I being together with him.
"You're right. He's acting like a kid again." I took a sip from the water bottle Huey had handed to me.
"We should figure out how to talk to him about what's going on; we can't keep hiding the impending divorce from him." My head snapped around so fast I felt the vertebrae crack. I looked up at him, stunned.
"Our divorce?" He nodded. "You're finally going to sign the papers, wow. What changed your mind?"
He took a deep breath and sighed. "X said Dane made you happier than you are with me. If you want to be free Jazmine, I'll let you go." I couldn't say anything to him; was it really that simple? Before I had a chance to ask him X came over and gave each of us a fork to share the way too big slice of pie. A numb buzzy feeling spread over me. I was going to be free of the toxic waste that my marriage became. I nodded and smiled as X animatedly asked if he could have a bounce house like the one at the park for his birthday party in a few months.
After the picnic was over Huey and I decided it would be best to tell X now that we were getting a divorce, instead of dragging it out. We asked him if he was awake enough to handle the conversation, as he had been falling asleep in his booster seat. He nodded and sat down on the sofa.
"X, I don't really know how to say this, but Daddy and I think it's best that we get a divorce." Silence choked the room. Huey and I sat on the couch on opposite sides of our son waiting for his reaction.
"Why?" His voice was monotone; the calm before the storm. Huey placed his hand on X's shoulder in a gesture of strength.
"There is an issue that I can't move passed, and we have agreed that our marriage just can't survive the issue."
"Why can't you move passed it?" Huey and I looked at each other.
"Because I feel that the issue is a huge violation of what a marriage is."
"So…it's your fault Mom?" His voice was so cold, neither Huey nor I recognized it as our son's.
"Mom? Since when am I Mom?"
"Well you're not Mommy right now."
"X." Huey's voice held a warning tone; X ignored the warning.
"Mommies are supposed to keep families together, not tear them apart." His voice was rising. I was shocked; X was turning on me.
"X, I—I didn't-" X jumped off the couch and glared daggers at me.
"You're a horrible mommy. It's your fault we don't live together in our house with Daddy. It's all your fault. I hate you!" My world shattered. Huey stood up and X turned to look him in the eye.
"Malcolm Xavier Freeman, you will not speak to your mother like that. It is not her fault, it's mine. I hurt your mother and broke a promise to her that you are too young to understand, but regardless who is at fault, you will respect your mother's and my decision. Now apologize to her and go up to your room." X's eyes narrowed similar to Huey's as they glared at each other. Looking at them was like looking into a mirror; it reminded me of the heated battles Huey and Riley used to have. X finally turned to me.
"I'm sorry, Mom." He said and practically stomped up the stairs before slamming his door. I felt numb as my body slumped in to the couch. Huey's eyes watch X go up the stairs then they softened as he looked at me. He sat down, wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me into his embrace.
"He didn't mean that." Huey rested his chin on my head and rubbed my arms. Tears streamed down my face but I didn't notice them until Huey began to wipe them from my skin. He lifted my boneless legs onto the couch and continued to hold me, whispering that X didn't mean the words he said. My body felt like Jell-O as he supported me. The tears I fought so hard to stop continued to pour out of my eyes; I turned into Huey and cried.
We probably sat like that for hours. The sun had long since set but we didn't move. My eyes were puffy and irritated from all the tears and I had a headache.
"Do you want me to take you home, or do you want to stay here tonight?" Huey whispered, almost as if he was scared any loud noise would shatter me into a million pieces. He held me like a delicate porcelain doll.
"Can you take me to Riley and Cindy's? I don't want to be alone tonight, but X needs some space."
"Ok, call them and let them know you're on the way." Huey handed me my purse and helped me move my paralyzed body into the car. I watched from the kitchen as Huey told Riley something and then drove off. A cup of Choco was in front of me before I knew it.
"I'd get you wine, but if I can't have any, then you can't either." I looked up and gave my best friend a toothless smile. Cindy grasped my hand then took a sip of her Choco while Riley set the alarm on the house.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Riley sat down next to us and started drinking his mug of chocolate.
"He said he hated me. My little boy actually told me he hated me." I stared down into the steaming concoction; my stomach too unstable to drink more than a few sips at a time.
"Jaz you know he didn't mean it. X is just upset and he's trying to process everything." Riley began rubbing my back.
"He didn't hate Huey." My fears were whispered in four words. I was afraid that X would choose Huey over me. I didn't want X to hate Huey, but it wouldn't be fair that I catch all the heat when he's the one who ruined everything.
"Jazmine just give him some time, I bet he feels awful about what he said." I knew Cindy was right, but fresh tears began to work their way down my face.
"You know what hurts the most? I just want to know when everything fell apart. When was Huey so unhappy that he set us down the path to become this monstrosity that we are now?" Riley and Cindy shared a look that told me they knew something.
"I'll let you handle this one." She told Riley than stood up and said she was going to bed.
"In a month we're moving to the downstairs bedroom." He stood and kissed his wife. I felt like an intruder on their secret moment.
"Boy I am pregnant not useless." She began up the steps. Her steps were in that awkward stage where she wasn't waddling but she wasn't walking normal.
"Cindy." His warning was more playful then serious but we both knew that once she reached her 5th month, Riley was not letting her up and down the stairs.
"Whatever!" She huffed and continued her slow walk up the stairs that she complained went on forever.
"You gonna be ok without me for a little bit?" Riley's smirk nearly took over his face and Cindy turned around to glare at him.
"I 'on't need you!" Both Riley and I laughed; it was no secret that after years of Riley being away, Cindy found it hard to sleep without him, even more so now that she was pregnant.
"Oh you don't need me? Fine I'll just stay down here tonight." Riley licked his lips and gave her one of the sexiest looks I had ever seen. I could feel my face heat up witnessing the lustful banter between them. Cindy whipped her head around and trudged up the stairs harder than necessary mumbling about a stupid, ignorant, sexy-as-hell, dark skinned God of a man who thought he was all that just because he could put it down in the bedroom. We couldn't hold in our laughter as she slammed the door so hard we thought she broke the hinges. I sipped more of my hot chocolate as Riley fought the last reminisce of his contagious laughter. Once he settled down he told me to go into the guest bedroom and lie down; that he would be in there in a minute.
I changed into my pajamas and sat on the bed reading one of Cindy's pregnancy books. A sound knock resonated from the door and I told Riley to come in. I bit my lip to hold in the laughter that threatened to erupt from me. Riley had undone his signature cornrows and fluffed his hair into an afro that wasn't that much smaller than Huey's. He was wearing the shirt Huey gave him as a joke one birthday that read "Huey: founding president of Hater-aid", along with a pair of sweatpants. He flopped down on the bed and made himself comfortable against the headrest before pulling me to him.
"Riley what are you doing?"
"I'm helping you. You've got some stuff you need to get off your chest so I'm going to let you say it." I looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. "Just pretend I'm Huey, and say what you need to say to me."
The idea seemed ridiculous, but maybe it was what I needed to come to grips with all that was happening. Of course Riley answering my questions wasn't like Huey answering them, but it might give me enough closer I need to fall out of love with my husband.
"Ok, where do I start?" I sighed. "What happened between us?"
"We grew apart." He gave a pretty good imitation of Huey's baritone voice, but Riley's lacked the experience, or maybe world weariness that Huey's carried.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"What would you have wanted me to say, Jazmine?"
"Anything Huey! You could have said anything." His arms tightened around me as I started to cry. "What did I do to make you stop loving me? Or maybe I was just fooling myself from the beginning into thinking that you loved me."
"I loved you. I still do." Silence enveloped us like a warm cocoon. Riley did an amazing job channeling Huey, but the spell was broken when he said that "he" still loved me.
"You don't have to lie for him, Riley." I brushed the tears from my wet lashes and shimmied out of his embrace. He sighed and slid to the edge of the bed; his arms wrapping around my shoulders.
"I wasn't lying Jazmine. I know Huey has a pretty messed up way of showing he cares but that's how Huey is. Our parents dying changed him, changed the way he loved and how he expressed his love. And once he had felt like he could depend on someone not to leave him, another bombshell rocked our lives. Huey and I handled the explosion in different ways."
"How did you handle it?" Riley became tense for a moment. I could see the wheels in his brain spinning and the quick aura of anger radiating from him before it was gone in a split second.
"I was confused and angry for a long time. Angry at Granddad and the lawyers for not telling us sooner, angry at my father, just angry."
"So this had something to do with your parents?" I knew these were uneasy waters for both the Freeman men. Huey rarely if ever talked about his parents.
"Yeah. Huey took it a lot harder than I did, probably because he could remember our parents better."
"So what is 'it'?" I was tired of Riley beating around the bush. If this thing was so crucial to Huey, then didn't I have a right to know, instead of being judged for a crime I had no involvement in?
"It's not my place to tell you Jazmine, because though I know that he still loves you, I don't know what about what we found out made him cheat. I don't know how he came to the conclusion that cheating would help him find peace with that inner demon."
"And I can't just ask him?"
"You know Huey; if he doesn't want you to know something you won't know it. But I think once he realizes that he's losing another person, a person that he can stop from leaving him, he'll buckle and tell you."
"How do you know he'll fight for me? He gave me up today."
"He'll fight for you because he loves you Jazmine. Huey never lets go of those he loves." I thought about what he said. Riley stood up and walked to the door, turning back to leave one last word of wisdom for the night.
"Huey has scars Jazmine. There is no excuse for cheating on someone you made a promise to, but maybe this will help you see that it wasn't your fault. First we lost our parents, then we moved to a brand new city where there's nothing familiar to us. Huey lost Cairo. Then we thought Granddad was never coming back from his 'Do-it-Big' trip. Then we actually lose Granddad. And finally when Huey and I think we're stable, with our good wives and starting families, we learn that what we knew about the parents we already had a frayed connection to, was a lie. Needless to say, Huey and I are some fucked up people. Night Jaz." He walked out of the room leaving me to my thoughts. Riley's speech gave me no answers; it just left me with more questions.
I heard my son's sniffles through the door and figured he'd had enough time to think about what he said. I knocked on the door then opened it to see X sitting on his bed holding Avenger. The dog looked worriedly at me and I shook my head. I sat on the bed as 'Venge jumped down to his palette on the floor. X immediately threw his arms around me and cried. I waited until some of the tears had subsided before speaking.
"You know you really hurt your mother's feelings, Malcolm." He mumbled something into my tear-stained t-shirt. "I didn't hear that."
"I said I know Daddy. I just, I don't want you and Mommy to get a divorce."
"I know, it's sad and it's scary but everything will be alright."
"But what if Mommy doesn't love us anymore?" He was so terrified; his misty eyes reminded me of the numerous times I had cruelly made Jazmine cry when we were children. Self-loathing left a bitter taste in my mouth. How had I screwed up so badly? I thought I was doing the right thing, the thing my mother wanted for Riley and I, but now I wasn't so certain, and I hate being uncertain of anything.
"Your mother will always love you X, that won't ever change."
"Will Mommy love you too?"
"Probably not, I hurt Mommy pretty bad, and there are some things 'I'm sorry' can't fix."
"Do you want Mommy to love you? Do you still love her?" Such an innocent question. I don't think X really understood what he was asking. Trying to explain how I felt about Jazmine only heightened the hatred I felt for myself. She didn't deserve what I put her through and I couldn't ask her to stand by me any longer; that was why I had to let her go. If her white boy could do what I couldn't, what kind of sick monster would I be to continue to subject her to the torture I had made of her life? I had taken my own insecurities and forced her to atone for the sins of others. Some savior of the oppressed African-American I was.
"X, it's hard to say that what I felt for your mother was love. It was more of an obsession. I was obsessed with how good she made me feel. She always believed in me; she looked at me as if I was the air she needed to survive. It was nice, being that important to someone, being that needed. She always believed in me, listened to me, supported me when no one else would. I was delusional, thinking that it was she who needed me, but in reality it has always been me who needed her to amount to anything. Your mother was the only stable thing in my childhood; the only person I could count on to be the same. I never loved your mother the way I should have; the way a man is supposed to love his woman. You have to be a better man than I am X; learn from my mistakes and do better than the example I've set. When you truly love a woman Malcolm, you'll learn that it doesn't matter what you accomplish, you could never do it without her guidance steering you when you are lost, or her love forgiving you when you fail. And the biggest mistake you can ever make is turning your back on her thinking that you can do better, because she can do a helluva lot better than you." X's wide eyes absorbed my speech. It sounded cheesy in my own ears: I was never one for big long speeches of emotion, but X didn't need me to sugar coat anything. It was my responsibility to teach my son how to be a good man; something my father never had the chance to do, or just didn't care enough to do. That was part of what was wrong with men, we watched our fathers and thought we were supposed to be like them when we are supposed to be better than them.
"So do you want Mommy to love you?" A snort came from me and I hugged my son to me.
"Yeah, I want Mommy to love me, but I've got a lot to atone for before she'll let me try to be a good man to her."
"You better hurry Daddy, before Mr. Dane takes that chance from you." My five year old was a little too wise for his own good.
"How about you leave that to me, and we call Jazmine so you can apologize?" He nodded vigorously and ran to get the telephone. I dialed Jazmine's cellphone number than gave the phone to X.
"Hello?" Jazmine's voice was scratchy, like she'd been crying.
"Mommy?"
"Hi baby, is everything ok?"
"I'm sorry Mommy. I didn't mean it." Sniffles made their way through the speakers.
"I know you didn't baby. You're so mature; sometimes Mommy and Daddy forget that you're just a baby."
"I'm not a baby Mommy." X was disgruntled at being called a baby. He wanted everyone to call him a big boy since his 6th birthday was coming up. It was hard to believe that he was almost six; where had time gone?
"You'll always be my baby."
"Promise?"
"I promise that you will always be my baby, but don't get mad when I call you that, remember you asked for it." Jazmine's twinkling laugh caused my chest to tighten slightly. It's been a long time since that sincere laugh that used to follow her where ever she went was heard. I missed hearing it.
"I'll only get mad a little. Are we still going to go swimming with Mr. Dane after daycare on Wednesday?" A tidal wave of rage washed over me but I choked it down like the bitter pill it was.
"Yes, we can still go." Relieved, X told her goodnight then handed the phone over to me. "Huey?"
"I'm here."
"Thank you."
"It was the right thing to do." The only sound either of us could hear was the other breathing. After a few minutes, Jazmine broke the quiet.
"Huey, is there something you want to tell me?" Her question was hesitant. Riley must have let something slip to her. She was giving me the opportunity to bare my soul to her, but she didn't need to know how badly I failed with the corrections I sought to make. Pride cometh before the fall.
"Have fun with Andrews." His name came out as a growl I didn't mean. I heard Jazmine sigh.
"Thank you, goodnight Huey."
"Goodnight Jazmine." We hung up the phone. I tucked X in then drug my heavy body to our room—my room. Jazmine's scent still clung to her side of the bed. In a moment of weakness I fell asleep imagining that I was holding her close to me, like I had done almost every night for years.
"Is it selfish of me to be glad that he's signing the papers?" Dane whispered in my ear. I shot him a warning glance as I finished putting sunscreen on X.
"Not the time." I grumbled back. I was weary of mentioning anything regarding my marriage's impending demise. I was a little disgruntled at Dane's insensitivity to X's feelings, even if he had said it so that only I could hear. I told X he could go in the kiddie pool and once I was done putting sunscreen on myself, I'd take him into the big kid pool.
"That was stupid of me, I'm sorry. What I meant to say is I'm glad I'm free to treat you like my girlfriend instead of sneaking around like teenagers."
"We'd still be sneaking around like teenagers. The divorce won't be announced until after the elections next year and when the divorce is announced the media is going to be hounding the story until something new comes up. I have to give X time to adjust and prepare him for the backlash which means you and I can't be seen together for at least a year. Think you can wait 2 years to tell anyone?"
"Two years shouldn't be a problem."
"We will see." I walked over to grab X with Dane walking behind us. X and I climbed into the kiddie pool and splashed around while Dane sat on a fold out chair. We couldn't be seen too close together less someone recognize me. I was under more scrutiny than the First Lady until the elections were over. After that Maryland wouldn't really care what I did as long as it wasn't too scandalous.
We ate hot dogs and French fries from the pool snack bar and I re applied X's sunblock. His afro was frizzy and nappy from the chlorine; he looked so much like Huey I had to laugh. His body had tanned from the heat. I saw many little girls and, to my dismay, even some grown women watching him while he was with me in the pool. My little boy was going to be a lady killer like his father and uncle when he grew up.
I walked over to the racks near the snack bar looking for a package of hair elastics since mine snapped when I tried to tie it tightly around my growing afro. My hair was much easier to manage once I learned how to take care of my curls; Huey and Aunt Cookie helped me embrace my hair and going to Black or mixed salons kept my locks gorgeous and tame. A dark chocolate skinned woman came to stand next to me while I was looking for the elastics without metal. I looked up at her and took in her beauty. Her skin was flawlessly smooth and rich in a way that only dark skinned women could naturally pull off. Her eyes were a fierce brown that shined with wisdom. She glanced me up and down before speaking.
"You're son is so handsome, by his hair I'm guessing that he's mixed." X's hair was the envy of many women. It was soft with a slight curl to it like mine but had Huey's rich color and volume.
"Yes he is mixed, his father is full African-American." The woman shook her head and made a disapproving sound.
"Girls like you always steal the good ones." I know this broad didn't. I was affronted that a stranger really wanted to get into a race discussion when all people are trying to do is enjoy the community pool.
"Excuse me?"
"White girls like you always come running to steal the last good men of my race, spreading your legs for anything while the rest of us are left with your rejects. And then moving on to white men as soon as you have the baby and child support that you wanted."
"Let me correct your ignorance, I am mixed myself, half white and half black."
"Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't tell. You looked all white to me. Especially with that snow cloud of a man you've been flaunting." Who was this woman to walk up to me and start hating for no reason?
"Maybe if you weren't so angry and defensive, and let your walls down every once and a while, you'd find a man like my African-American husband. As for my friend from high school, that's absolutely none of your business. Learn to love yourself before you start throwing shade at others." I grabbed the pack of metal-less elastics and walked to the counter to pay for them. I could feel the Black woman's eyes on my back watching me while I tied my hair up and laughed with Dane and X over my poufy, cloud-like hair. What the hell was that bitch's problem?