Empty Arms

This chapter was requested by Gillian Kearney Fan and Alaska, and their combined prompt was Lindsey's just had her first miscarriage, and is wondering how she and Joe will ever be able to move on from their tragic loss. But Sandy shows her that there is something after death, after all, she's experienced the same very thing herself

She felt numb. All that had happened in the last few hours felt cut off, like it was a dream that she couldn't remember the finer details of. But if this had been a dream, it would be seen as a nightmare, but it wasn't either of those things, because this wasn't Lindsey's imagination crafting up the twisted images and happenings, no this had really happened, and there was no way of ever undoing it.

No way to go back and jump out of the car's path.

No way to stop Frankie driving like a lunatic.

No way to stop her from losing her and Joe's baby.

No, this was a living nightmare, Lindsey had really lost her child before she had even got to know her, and even two days after the... accident she still couldn't believe it had happened.

The young brunette slid one of her hands up her pyjama top (after all what point was there in getting dressed, it wasn't like she was going to go anywhere bar the kitchen), biting her trembling lip as she felt just how much flatter it was, showing Lindsey just how much she had lost in mere seconds.

She hadn't wanted to be a mother originally, wanted to focus on her career and then start a family with Joe, but when she found out she was pregnant, well it was like all her dreams came true, dreams she wasn't even aware about. Both her and Joe had been the happiest than they had ever been before, so for that to be so cruelly ripped away from them, well Lindsey wouldn't wish that sort of pain onto her worst enemy.

It had been two days since Lindsey had lost her baby, two days since she had left the house and two days since she'd had a proper conversation with anyone. The whole family had tried talking to her with little success, though it was safe to say Joe had gotten the furthest.

He understood her more than the others, was experiencing the same heartbreak as she was, and Lindsey knew he wouldn't patronise or treat her like she would break like the others would, though even their uneasy connection broke down when Joe began talking about how they could try for another baby soon.

He didn't understand it wasn't that simple! Lindsey couldn't just replace what she lost with another baby, it didn't work like that, no matter how much she wished it would. She had put so much into her pregnancy, so much love and energy, for that to be no more was a complete shock to the system and she needed some time for her heart to heal.

But if Joe didn't understand that, maybe they weren't as well matched for one another as Lindsey had once believed.

Her thoughts were cut off by the tentative knocking on her bedroom door, and she sighed as she realised that she would have to paint the same plastic smile on her face, trying to convince whoever was on the other side of the door that she was fine, when in fact she was breaking apart on the inside.

"Lindsey?" Sandy called out after a moment, making Lindsey curse. She always found it hard lying to the older woman, they were so close and Lindsey regarded the blonde as a second mother, but she'd have to. She couldn't let people know just how broken up by the miscarriage she really was, and the brunette didn't need any more pity.

"Coming!" Lindsey cried, pushing away the duvet and getting out of her bed for the first time that day, cracking her back as she went to open the door, unable to not smile when she saw the huge cup of tea that Sandy had brought up.

"How you feeling love?" Sandy asked, passing over the cup of tea as she made her way into the bedroom, straightening up the duvet and picking up a few clothes that lay carelessly on the floor.

Lindsey wanted to say something, anything to stop the older woman from doing that, though she doubted it would do much good.

After almost thirty years and five children, the innate nature to clean up her children's messes was almost too much for Sandy to ignore, and Lindsey couldn't help but wonder if she would ever be brave enough to try and have another baby, to let her gain that same nature or if she would forever be running scared.

Instead, Lindsey took a sip of the still scalding drink and focused on answering the question, knowing the sooner she did that, the sooner she'd be left on her own. "Yeah, I'm fine all things considered."

"You know you can speak to me Linds," Sandy sighed, instantly seeing through the junior doctor's lie. One look at her told Sandy that Lindsey was not coping well with her loss, but she was determined to help the young doctor out as best as she could, no matter how painful it would be for her. "I know exactly what you're going through."

"Yeah okay," Lindsey said, though if her scoff was anything to go by, it was obvious that she didn't believe what Sandy was telling her and why should she?

After all, she was a mother to six healthy boys, what could she possibly know about losing a baby? Well a lot more than you'd think, and Sandy took a shaky breath as the memories that she'd taken so long to bury came rushing back up to the surface.

"I'm being serious you know? You're not the first woman to lose a baby love, and unfortunately you're not going to be the last either."

"You mean? But when?" Lindsey asked, unable to believe that she had been unaware of her future mother in law's past loss. No-one had ever mentioned it to her and she had to wonder if that was because none of the others knew that they could have had another sibling, or because it was never appropriate to talk about it.

"It wasn't exactly like your situation, but losing a child still causes the same grief and pain," Sandy said, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill at just the thought of her lost baby, even after all this time. "I didn't have a miscarriage, but my baby, she was still stillborn. She died at 32 weeks and I've thought about her everyday for the past twenty nine years."

"Twenty nine... but?" Lindsey said, quickly connecting the dots and wondering if she had made five out of two plus two, because it was sure seeming that way.

"The same age as Joe yeah, makes it even worse if that's possible. They were twins, but Lily, that was what I was going to call her, well she died before she was even born and Joe never got to know his sister. Hell none of them did."

"Oh Sandy, I'm so sorry," Lindsey gasped, hugging the older woman tightly as Sandy still tried to keep a tight lid on her emotions.

"Don't be, it was a long time ago. I've had time to grieve and to move on and you will too. It's difficult I know that love, but it's going to happen. The last thing I wanted was more children after Lily, but as you can see, I did. It doesn't make your next pregnancy particularly pleasant no, always worried that something's going to happen to them, and I was a wreck when I was with Robbie and Jason, but life moves on and so will you."

Lindsey nodded at what Sandy said and for the first time felt hopeful that this heartbreak would pass or at least numb down, so she could function in the everyday world once more. And with her loved ones around her, well she was sure that that would happen.

Guest – The chapter about the twins camping with their dad is actually the next one. I know there's been a delay, but I do believe I've said that not all chapters will be posted when I said they will, but don't worry, everything will be posted!

The reason this one is a bit later than promised is due to severe writing block when I was meant to write it, though I promise to everyone that their prompt should be no later than five chapters after I originally promised it would be at the very latest. If anyone has any more questions, don't be scared to ask. I hope you enjoy it!

Next Chapter – When Jason and Robbie are ten, their Dad still wants to make an effort with them, so the three go camping. But will everything go to plan? - I'm thinking