BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Thirty-Nine
*** Warning: there will be reference to some of Remy's abuse here so do beware when reading further. Hopefully it'll upset no one and hopefully you'll be prepared for when it comes at the end of the chapter ***.
"He was there at every damn turn...jus' there, lookin' at me...he said nothin' but I felt like..." Remy drew his breath, "I felt like he was gon' kill me."
Dr. Forbes was sitting in her chair, her expression serious. "What did you do?"
It had taken almost half an hour for Remy to recount the events of the week to Dr. Forbes. By the time he had almost finished, he was nearly out of breath, shaking as he sat there on the edge of his seat that Saturday morning at the emergency session he'd booked with the psychiatrist.
"What coul' I do?" he asked, "I ran t' the van...knowin' he was there every fuckin' step o' the way wit' me. The lights wen' out and I panicked...dropped the keys...scrambled t' find them, t' get int' the damn van...time the lights came back on and the others arrived...I'd keyed the drivers side door t' fuck...looked like someone had went apeshit at it..." he took a deep breath, "Had t' lie...said it'd been that way since I got there."
"Did they believe that?" she asked, she shifted her position, crossing one leg primly over the other, her eyes focused on him.
"They had no reason t' disbelieve," he supposed, he scratched the back of his neck, "Ain' the firs' time someone's keyed the van...kids at school do shit like that all the time. Maybe this time it work in my favour..." he sighed.
"What happened then?"
"We wen' home...and I stayed up all night in my room..."
"Did Jean-Luc return?"
"No...not that I coul' see," Remy said, "I sat up wit' the lights on and my earphones in jus' in case he'd talk t' me...he never came t' me but...but I felt like he was gon' come back..."
"Did you speak to Professor Xavier?"
"No...the kids wanted t' stop f' ice cream on the way home...time we got back, Professor was asleep...I wanted t' go wake him, ask f' a dose of whatever it is he givin' me t' make me feel calm but Logan said t' leave him be..."
"And so you stayed up rather than fight nightmares," Dr. Forbes nodded, understanding.
"I waited up hopin' Marie woul' come t' me...but she never did..." he got up and paced towards the window, "sorry...I need t' walk."
"It's fine. It's nervous energy," Dr. Forbes concluded. "Have you seen the ghost this morning?"
"Not yet," he said, "I...didn' go t' see the Professor f' a sedative 'cause I was up all night. Sedative woul' just knock me right out an' I didn' wan' sleep all through my birthday, made plans wit' my wife."
"It's your birthday today?"
"Yeah," sighed Remy, he paused, "technically no, I suppose."
"Technically?" Dr. Forbes queried.
"Technically, I don' know when my birthday is...I don' have a real birth certificate," he explained, "always jus' went wit' the day Jean-Luc foun' me an' took me in."
"So you're celebrating your adoption day?"
"Not really," he answered, "it's jus' the day I went wit' f' my birthday..t' be honest I never really celebrate it. I'd get drunk...get laid but...that was stuff I'd do all the time, really. I've never made plans..."
"How does it feel, to be celebrating it now?"
"Good, I suppose," he confessed, "I'm...lookin' f' ward t' it, really. I think I never really looked f' ward t' a birthday b' fore until I met my wife."
"How is your relationship with your wife?"
"It's...it's been good, really," Remy admitted.
"And yet you hesitated with your answer," the Psychiatrist responded astutely.
He slipped a finger through the white blinds and pried them open a little to peer out into the crisp November morning, it was barely nine-thirty am. He wondered if Rogue had even noticed he was gone yet, or if she was still in bed herself. "Everythin' is good...we're gettin' a long better...talkin' more, spendin' time t' gether..." he drew a breath, "physically things are...intense..." he admitted.
"And yet you seem troubled."
"Somethin' still feels off," Remy confessed finally.
"Do you think she's keeping something from you?"
"I know she is..." he responded in a sigh.
"And you're fine with knowing she's keeping something from you?"
"When we was havin' trouble...we had this really short break up...firs' breakup we really have..." he turned towards the woman, "I said we shoul' be able t' have secrets...long as it weren' about our feelin's...long as it weren' about infidelity or lies about our relationship..." he explained.
"At the time you felt it was the best way to come to a compromise without having to sacrifice anything," Dr. Forbes supposed.
Remy snorted, "Makes me a hypocrite, right? I won' tell her jackshit, but I shoul' expect her t' tell me what's goin' on?" he asked. "Somethin' feels off...I don' think it's anythin' t' do wit' how she feels. Everythin' is great wit' us but..." he trailed off, he looked away, staring into space.
"But...?"
"I feel like she's still unhappy. I've done all I can t' try and keep her happy, Doc. I cut ties wit' Tabitha, I went t' therapy – an' I even admitted it t' her last night. I bought her shit, I took her t' a five star villa wit' a private beach f' our Honeymoon. I offered t' buy her a car – she don' want it. I figured out ways t' help us get close...work arounds f' her powers, ways t' make her feel like every other girl..." he explained. "I've given her all the power t' make all the rules...I jus'...I don' know what more I can do."
"Have you tried asking how you can make her happy?"
"I don' think she'd answer if I asked," he admitted.
"Have you told Marie about the ghost yet?"
"No," Remy responded, "don' exactly know how that conversation woul' go."
"Did you find it easy to tell her about our sessions?"
"Not really," he paced towards the fish tank, checking to see if there were any new fish, everything seemed to be the same as far as he could tell.
"How did you tell her?"
"She...said I shoul' really be talkin' t' someone about the stuff goin' on in my life...and I tol' her I was. But it jus' felt incredibly awkward t' do that. She acted like it was fine, she weren' even mad. But it still made me feel, I dunno...like she must have thought if it was so bad I needed t' be goin' weekly that I mus' be a lunatic."
"A lot of people come to therapy, Mr. LeBeau. Normal people come to therapy, we're here to talk out things and try to make sense of the things in peoples lives that people can't do on their own. Coming to a psychiatrist doesn't make you a schizophrenic or a lunatic, it doesn't mean you're depressed or that you have something wrong with you. I've already explained it to you."
"I know what y' tol' me," he explained, "but she ain' gon' see it like that, she's not on the inside o' this."
"Mr. LeBeau, what would be the worst case scenario if you told her about the ghost?"
Remy paused, "she puts psychiatry next t' hallucination and decides that I'm too much o' a liability and dangerous t' be wit'. She coul' leave me."
"How about the best case scenario?"
Remy hadn't considered one, he looked away.
"It's funny how we automatically consider the worst reactions from those we know and yet so very rarely consider the most likely one."
He took a moment, sighing, "when y' spend the better part o' y' life havin' someone blow up at y' f' the littlest things...y' find it hard t' imagine people as havin' any good reaction t' a serious thing..." Remy shrugged.
"Is your wife an understanding person?"
It took him a moment to answer, because he felt slightly foolish for what he'd said before, "yes."
"Then why assume her reaction will be to think you're dangerous?"
"That's...what he tells me..." Remy frowned.
"The ghost..."
Remy gave a solemn nod.
"And you believe a ghost?"
"He's kept his word so far...he always kept his word when the bastard was alive. If he tol' me I'd know all about pain...I did. And if he said I was gon' pay f' a mistake...he damn well made sure of it. If he says my wife is gon' think me a lunatic...why shouldn' I believe him?"
"Because he doesn't exist, Mr. LeBeau..."
"Y' say that but...y' don' see this how I see it," Remy replied.
"That's just it, no one sees it, no one feels it, no one smells it or hears it...only you. I believe there is a ghost, but it's a manifestation that you've created."
"Why the fuck woul' I create somethin' like that?" Remy demanded.
"That's what you need to ask yourself and think about, Mr. LeBeau. You need to get to the bottom of what this thing wants from you and why it's there. Only then will this haunting go away."
"Even if it was somethin' I made up wit' out meanin' t'," Remy frowned, "How can y' explain the things it does? The way it breaks things or pushes them..."
"I believe you're accessing powers, Mr. LeBeau, powers you didn't know you have. It's been documented that even humans without the x-gene can access telekinetic powers in extreme levels of stress. It's rare but it's been documented, and usually in teenagers."
"So I'm a telekinetic?" he snorted. "Look, even if that were the case, why the fuck woul' I push myself agains' a wall, why would I imagine this thing tried t' kill me? Why woul' I crack a windscreen?"
"Unconsciously, you could be doing it because this is what Jean-Luc may do to get your attention," she answered, "there could be several reasons. Or it may just be that the windscreen simply did crack of it's own accord."
"What about the bookcase? Y' think I tried t' kill myself?"
"I think unconsciously you think Jean-Luc wants you to die."
"Consciously I know he does," Remy sighed.
"Why would he want you to die?"
"I tol' y', he hated me..." Remy stood up, "Look, I appreciate y' tryin' t' help me and all but...I don' think this therapy is doin' any good. All it's doin' is stressin' me out more, and every time I come here, the ghost gets worse."
"Mr. LeBeau, if you truly believed therapy wasn't working, or that it wouldn't do any good, we both know you wouldn't be here right this moment. You've scheduled two emergency appointments outside of our usual schedule. The fact you're here at this moment proves that you believe it does some good, even if it's just to talk about the things you can't speak to anyone else."
"Talkin' don' do good when there ain' any solutions."
Dr. Forbes sighed, "we both know I'm not here to solve your problems for you, I'm here to help you understand how you can solve your problems. I can't hand you the solutions, I can only help lead you to them."
"And y' led me t' nothin' but theories but nothin' concrete, nothin' that's gon' fix anything."
"What would you like to fix?"
" I want t' be able t' talk t' my wife, I want my life back! I wan' the ghost out o' my life, I want t' fix the mess I made wit' Tabitha last night..."
"How do you see those goals being achieved?"
"I don't know! If I knew I wouldn' be here! What is it wit' y' shrinks! Y' the same way on TV! Y' keep askin' the same questions but y' never give answers!"
"You want an answer? You want a solution?" Dr. Forbes frowned a little, "Mr. LeBeau, from everything you've told me, it's clear that you've been hiding from your problems from a long time, suppressing the other problems and now they are catching up, manifesting themselves in the shape of a man who haunted your life while he was living. This ghost is an amalgamation of everything that has happened, everything that you have suppressed and ignored and excused instead of dealing with. It is an amalgamation of everything you are afraid of."
He looked away from her, his chest tight with anger.
"What do you think the solution is, Mr. LeBeau? What do you think is going to make it all go away?"
He pursed his lips furiously, he breathed through his nose, chest getting tighter.
"You know the answer."
"What y' want me t' say?" he demanded, "Y' want me t' say I have t' stop hidin' from it? How d' I stop hidin' from somethin' that never leaves me."
"It's not just to stop hiding, Mr. LeBeau, it is to face it head on, like you've done with many of the other aspects of your life. You're a clever man, you understand what it is you need to do. What's holding you back?"
There was one word playing itself over and over in his head. Fear. He drew a breath, "I'm afraid...I coul' try t' face this thing, it might jus'...make it stronger, it might kill me."
"Or it may weaken it entirely. But you will never know until you face it."
"So what's the first step?" he demanded.
"What do you think the first step is?"
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be here," he retorted.
"You've been saying it from the beginning, it was one of the first things you mentioned when I asked you what it was you wanted to fix in your life."
He lowered his eyes, "t' talk t' Marie."
Dr. Forbes gave a sombre nod.
"I don' see what good it's gon' do."
"You've held back so long about your past that you haven't fully gone into your life with anyone. Even the things you've told me about have been vague and disjointed at times," She explained, she leaned forward, "from everything you told me about that trip in St. Tropez...at least what you can remember of it...you were desperate to tell her. But it kept building and building until it manifested into Jean-Luc. Here in Bayville, you've still been holding these things deep inside, even the things you discuss with me have been very vague and disjointed."
Remy sighed, he supposed it wasn't an exaggeration, he'd never been able to be rather graphic with this woman, it was hard to be graphic like that to a stranger, and there were certain things that were far too graphic to say out loud to someone he barely even knew, regardless if it was confidential and wouldn't go further than these walls.
"You are making this thing stronger," Dr. Forbes got up and wandered over to a beautiful painting of a mountain that adorned her wall. "Remember what we discussed about therapy being like a journey up a mountain?" she asked, "You've begun taking the first few steps..." she gestured a finger to the bottom of the mountain, she slid it upwards a little, "but you're stuck about here..." she gestured about a quarter of the way up the mountain, to a rather rocky section of grey jagged paint, "this step, this is you and Marie. You tell me about this step every time you come here, you lament it. You can't tell her...you wish you could but it won't happen, you can't make it happen..."
He lowered his eyes, heart sinking in his chest.
"The problem is...you haven't properly tried to climb this part of the mountain. You take one step and you slide, and you decide you're not going to go any further. You see it's pointless, it's not going to make anything better, and so you'll be forever stuck near the bottom of the mountain looking at the top wondering why you can't get to it, why you can't reach the top and look down and see how far you've come," she explained.
"Okay..." he said, "Y' the expert climber...how d' I get up there?"
"Climbing a section of mountain like this requires planning. You can't just get to the mountain and decide to climb it without knowing you're going to climb it first. You need to be prepared."
"How do I be prepared?" he queried.
"I'd suggest taking your wife somewhere. You've mentioned before that the times you've tried to talk there have been interruptions or distractions. You should go somewhere there are no distractions."
"How shoul' I start it?" he asked.
"By perhaps telling her that you're ready to talk. Ask her to listen, and be patient, and let you get things off your chest, even it takes a while..." she suggested. "There might be times when you feel yourself slipping from the mountain but keep climbing, keep talking, ramble if it helps but don't stop and don't get discouraged, you'll find a way to get up that mountain, Mr. LeBeau. You just have to be willing to climb it."
Remy sat down in the chair and hunched over, he thought about these words. Where was he supposed to take Rogue? How was he supposed to start that conversation?
"Are you willing to climb that mountain?"
"I want t'," Remy sighed, "But what if Jean-Luc drags me back down t' the bottom?"
"Then you pick yourself back up and kick him away and go back up again, and you do it again and again until eventually you get where you need to be. If you let him drag you and you stay there, then you'll never make any progress, you'll go in circles and feel trapped forever. Are you willing to climb the mountain, Mr. LeBeau?" she asked again.
He took a breath and nodded, "Yes."
Rogue stared down at the box in her hands, she'd been sitting there with it for almost half an hour now. She thought it incredibly silly how the drug company had decided this one single pill needed a large green box, it seemed rather obvious and pointless for something so small.
It was Remy's birthday, she wondered if even he wouldn't find out about this, if it was somewhat insensitive to abort his baby on his birthday. Not that it really was his birthday, she supposed. It was the day Jean-Luc LeBeau had taken him in and that was about as much as he would have for a birthday. She supposed he could call it his adoption day, but it didn't quite have the same ring to it.
Besides, he wasn't likely to want to celebrate his adoption day after the mess Jean-Luc had left his life in.
How long would it take? She wondered, turning the box around in her hands. The doctor had said she'd take the first pill, then the antibiotics, and then within a day or two the second pills.
And then anywhere between four or five hours to a few days...
She winced, how was she supposed to attend school with that happening? It was something she hadn't thought of. Really, Ah should have taken this yesterday so Ah could take the second pill today and have it work by tomorrow, she realised.
The doctor had given her the impression this was going to be simple but it didn't feel that way. It felt complicated, and she wondered if she was going to have to ask the Professor to make up an excuse so she could take some days away from school so that the pill could work. The doctor hadn't specified how severe the cramps may be, only that the bleeding might be alarmingly heavy.
Why did it have to be so graphic? Why couldn't it have been as easy as just going to the bathroom and passing it like a non-painful kidney stone. It was the awareness that bothered Rogue. The knowledge that it would be happening, that she'd feel it happening, that she might see it.
That was the worst part, she didn't want to see it. It was too horrible for words. She kept seeing that episode of Masters of Horror she'd seen at the start of summer over and over in her head again, the aborted foetuses floating in the river.
Rogue could handle gore, beheadings, eyes being popped out and hearts being ripped from people's chest in movies, but that...it had been so utterly disturbing, it had taken weeks for her to get it out of her head the first time. Now it was jammed in there again.
Logan was right, Ah should have never been allowed to stay up and watch that trash, she thought darkly.
She supposed she was being slightly unrealistic, it was unlikely that what she would see would be anywhere near as graphic. She'd never really pitied women who needed to go through these things until this moment. Up until her own pregnancy, she'd mostly disagreed with abortion, feeling it slightly unfair to kill a child before it had the chance to even breathe. She'd always thought of abortion as a slightly selfish choice.
Now she felt largely like a hypocrite.
Ah'm not bein' selfish, she told herself. Is it fair to bring a baby into our world? Is it fair to go to a full nine month pregnancy just to accidentally kill it at birth? Is it fair to bring a baby into this world just to watch everyone Ah know hold it and never know what that feels like?
Sighing, she shoved the box back into her drawer and slammed it shut. Right now was not the time to be doing this. She shouldn't have been focusing on her own woes right now, however important. It was Remy's birthday, he'd asked her for one thing, and it was a rather tall order. She had to live up to that, focus on it. She needed to pay attention to him right now.
Ah can allow it one more day, then talk to the Professor about takin' a few days off school. Maybe Ah could go somewhere, a hotel or somethin' and take this...Ah could tell Remy Ah'm off on a mission...then it wouldn't be so suspicious. Ah could go back when it's over and no one would ever know.
Rogue headed on downstairs and into the kitchen. Jean was on breakfast duty this morning with Scott helping; the two looked happy as they joked with each other while frying bacon and buttering toast. Rogue wondered if she and Remy would ever be like Jean and Scott, that comfortable and happy around everyone.
Some of the others were still talking about the Halloween dance, a few still had traces of yesterdays makeup around the rims of their eyes. Rogue still had a little orange staining her own skin from the fake blood herself.
"Remy not down yet?" Rogue asked casually as she moved to the cabinet to fish out the flour.
"No, he went out early, he asked if he could borrow my car," Scott said.
"Where'd he go?" Rogue asked.
"He said something about going to look at a Harley some guy was selling online," Scott shrugged. "Thought he'd given up on that. I have a friend who was selling one last month and he never got back to her."
Rogue frowned. That's 'cause Ah told him not to, she thought. She hoped to god he wasn't going to go disobey her and buy one anyway. "How long ago was that he went out?"
"About an hour or so ago," Scott shrugged.
Rogue put the tub of flour on the counter and went to fish out the eggs and milk.
"What are you doing? We're on breakfast duty..." Jean raised an eyebrow.
"It's Remy's birthday," Rogue said, "Ah'm makin' him pancakes. Ah said Ah'd make him breakfast, so..."
"I didn't know it was his birthday," Jean said, "How old is he now?"
"Nineteen," Rogue answered, her cheeks flushed and she pretended to be more preoccupied with getting the ingredients for the pancakes out than talking.
"They were holding hands all night at the Halloween party," Jamie announced, "And makin' gooey eyes and whispering."
"Kind of sudden," Kitty admitted quietly, she was biting on a piece of wholemeal toast.
"I think you could do better," Scott mumbled, Jean elbowed him and threw him a dirty look. "Sorry, I just do."
Rogue frowned a little at Scott. What, you mean like you? She wondered. When Ah wanted you, you didn't give a shit, she added in thought, wishing she had the guts to say it.
"Where's Tabitha?" Jean asked, looking around the table, "she's usually down by now."
"She went out jogging," said Jubilee, "She's been on this whole health kick lately, jogs in the morning, then at lunch, she jogs around the track at school. She's lost five pounds already. She's starting to look really good."
"Probably because she's putting her finger down her throat," mumbled Amara
"Amara!" gasped Jean, frowning.
"Oh come on, she is always asking for gum, and when we're in the van on the way home from school, sometimes I can smell vomit," Amara made a face.
Rogue tried to hide the face her face was burning. It wasn't Tabitha's vomit they were smelling, she realised. It was her own. She almost felt guilty that Tabitha was taking the blame for it, but she wasn't in a position to say anything to correct it.
"That's a horrible thing to say," Jean frowned, "and a horrible rumour to spread. Tabitha is not bullemic."
"She lost five pounds in like a week," Amara pointed out.
"Yeah, because she's hardly eating," Jubilee said, "seriously, Amara, that's really cold."
Rogue heard Jean and Scott quietly conversing near the stove as she was standing away from them mixing the pancakes for Remy.
"Maybe we should have a word with Tabitha...see if anything's going on," Jean was whispering to Scott.
"Look, I'm sure they're just exaggerating. Tabitha is fine..."
"All the same," Jean said quietly, "maybe we should tell the Professor...he can check up on her."
Maybe Ah should talk to her, Rogue wondered. Try to apologise about everythin' Ah kept from her. She probably won't hear me out though, Ah'd probably get clocked in the face just like Remy...
The garage door leading into the kitchen opened and Remy waltzed in, spinning the car keys to Scott's car on his index finger. "Thanks," he said, he tossed the keys to Scott.
"No problem...as long as it's still in one piece."
"I left your rear hubcap six blocks away, and the bumper is outside Starbucks, but it's mostly in one piece," Remy commented.
"You better be kidding," Scott frowned a little.
Remy smirked a little and moved over to Rogue, "What you up to?"
"Makin' pancakes," she pointed out, "for you."
"Jus' f' me? Any special reason?" he asked almost coyly, he was looking over her shoulder, she felt his hand press against her hip lightly, almost innocently.
"Yeah, so she can poison you and get all your money," Bobby joked.
Rogue threw Bobby a dirty look and then switched her attention to Remy, "for your birthday," she replied.
"Aw, now ain' that sweet," he teased.
"Hey, Gambit," Jamie called out, "You and Rogue goin' out now or what?"
Remy leaned against the counter beside Rogue, "Well ain' that a rather straight forward question," he commented, he turned to look at Rogue, "We goin' out now?"
Rogue cracked eggs into her bowl of ingredients, "We're goin' out later...to a movie," she answered.
"There y' go," Remy said to Jamie, "We're goin' out later."
"No, I mean-" Jamie tried to say, but Jean interrupted him.
"Jamie, stop asking personal questions and eat your breakfast."
"Where's the instructors this mornin'?" Remy asked, changing the subject.
"I think they're trying to fix the Danger Room," Scott said, "it's getting quite annoying now...we haven't trained in days."
Yeah, that's my fault, Rogue thought in despair.
"Will you go sit down?" Rogue looked at Remy who was loitering at her side, "Ah'll bring it to you when it's ready."
"Y' know how I like it, right?" he asked, he went to the table and took a seat.
Yeah...the other night you pretty much showed me a lot about how you like it, she thought, unable to help herself.
"Yeah, Rogue...do you know how he likes it?" asked Bobby, making sure to make it sound like it was about sex.
"Yeah, with berries and powdered sugar," Rogue remembered from their trip in St. Tropez. Bobby made a disappointed face that she hadn't fallen for the trap.
"And syrup," Remy reminded.
Rogue went about making the pancakes, she could feel the gaze of the others upon her as she stood at the stove flipping them.
Jubilee leaned forward on the table, "so, Gambit," she said, "what movie are you guys gonna see?"
"Don' know..."
Rogue spoke up, "action movie."
"So it's not a romance, then?" Amara asked, a hint of teasing in her voice.
"Enough, you guys," Scott warned.
Rogue brought a stack of pancakes to Remy after loading it with berries and sugar, she brought the bottle of syrup out and placed it beside him, "there you go."
"Wow, look at all the care she took into making that," Bobby smirked, "she doesn't make any effort like that for us."
"To be fair, none of us are gazillionaires," Jamie supposed.
"Neither am I," Remy threw them a look.
"Will you guys just stop keeping us in the dark?" Jubilee said, "are you like...a thing or what?"
Rogue stood beside Remy's seat, she wasn't sure how to answer. It was more than a thing, but she didn't want to go into just how intimate the relationship really was. "Remy and Ah...are good friends," she said, she brushed a feather from Remy's shoulder.
Remy smirked, "good friends," he said, putting emphasis on the word good.
"So does that mean you're dating or what?"
Kitty glanced between them both but said nothing, Rogue sensed the girl still feeling a little annoyed about them starting a relationship when it meant Tabitha was getting her feelings hurt.
"Look..." Rogue sighed, "We're..."
Remy spoke up, "takin' it slow..." he finished for her.
Rogue dropped her eyes to him, thankful he was at least playing it her way for now. The smell of the pancakes was making her slightly nauseous. As of late most breakfast food had that effect. Please don't let me have mornin' sickness today. It's his birthday for pete's sake, Ah need to be on top form.
"Guess we should have seen it coming," Ray whispered to Bobby, "they're always hanging out."
Rogue's stomach lurched. Oh come on, please not now.
Rogue patted Remy's shoulder, "Ah'm gonna go put on some makeup and get ready for the movie while you finish eatin'," she said, trying to sound as upbeat as possible, all the while afraid she may throw up over him and his plate.
"Y' ain' gon' sit wit' me?" he asked, looking slightly disappointed.
"Ah have to get dressed, you don't want to go to a movie with me wearin' pyjamas, do you?"
Rogue didn't give him a chance to answer, she walked out of the kitchen casually, waited until she was a few steps out and then ran for the nearest place she could think of to throw up. The nearest bathroom was too far, she wasn't going to make it, the utility room where a lot of the cleaning products were kept had a large old fashioned wooden sink, and she got to it not a second too soon.
She caught herself on it and retched, very little coming up at first.
This was getting too much to bear. Seven days of this...how many weeks did a pregnancy last? She wasn't sure she could go another day feeling this way. She'd barely been able to eat much in days.
Maybe Ah should just take that pill, get this over with, she thought dully. But should Ah go through with it without tellin' Remy first? God, he told me he's in therapy last night, how could Ah drop this on him after findin' that out? Someone in therapy doesn't need to have the pregnancy bomb dropped on their head...
The second wave of vomit came up, again, it was very little. It was what she hated about this the most was the tiny amounts of vomit she'd throw up every day. If someone is gonna vomit, it should be at least enough to make it worth while, she thought.
A soft footstep at the door caught her attention and she turned, gripping onto the sink for support, feeling just a little light headed as she always did after throwing up. Tabitha was standing there looking slightly bewildered at the sight of her standing there over the sink.
Rogue didn't know what to say to the girl; Tabitha stood there with her leggings and her slightly too-tight t-shirt, earphones in her ears, her hair tinged with sweat. Rogue wasn't sure if the girl was even talking to her or not and she wasn't really sure what to say.
Tabitha said nothing, she simply walked off, leaving Rogue standing there.
Did she see me throwin' up? Rogue wondered. She hadn't heard the footsteps before, she supposed if she was lucky the girl might have just happened upon her standing there leaning over a sink looking a little pasty. God Ah need to have this taken care of, she realised. It's gonna only get worse.
Rogue left the utility room after splashing water on her face and rinsing her mouth out. Just as she was getting to the foyer, she spotted Logan exiting one of the hidden elevators.
"Hey..." she said, trying to sound bright and cheerful.
"Hey yourself," he said, "Hearing a lot of rumours, lately."
Rogue blinked, and panic almost set in. Rumours? Oh my god, does he know? Did the Professor tell him? Oh my god, he's gonna be so mad! He always told me to be careful! He'll never speak to me again if Ah'm pregnant!
Logan continued, "you and LeBeau at that dance last night...few of the kids whisperin' about how they think you're 'a thing' now."
The surging panic dropped a little, Rogue began her way up the stairs, Logan walked at her side.
"Yeah...we're...workin' towards lettin' people know...slowly."
"That's good...sure that'll make LeBeau happy, he hates having to keep it a secret."
"Yeah, he seems real happy."
Logan stopped on the stairs, he took her arm and held her back, "You throw up?"
Rogue turned towards him, "Huh?"
"You..." he leaned close to smell her breath, "You just threw up...I can smell it."
"Ah ate somethin' gross at breakfast," she lied. "Jean fried an egg, but it wasn't cooked properly when Ah bit into it, it was still sort of raw around the yolk...Ah felt real ill after that."
Logan tilted his head, she felt him reading her like a book, "you haven't been eatin' egg."
"Yes Ah have..." she lied.
"I can smell everythin' on your breath, you haven't eaten egg. In fact, the last thing I'd say you ate was a Snickers bar," he sniffed.
Yes, his sense of smell hadn't failed him there. She'd eaten a Snickers bar after the party, it had been all she'd been able to stomach. Remy had taken to buying her a Snickers bar every other day, getting it from a vending machine in the school (the one that the teachers were trying to ban because they wanted the students to focus on buying their overpriced 'healthy' but disgusting treats from the cafeteria instead). This was one she'd found in her room on her pillow after she'd showered all of the fake blood off.
Remy had done plenty of romantic things for her she supposed, his buying her clothes, jewellery and makeup was all pretty nice in a way, but she couldn't explain why his buying her those candy bars and always leaving them for her was somewhat more romantic than any of it.
Perhaps it was because it was more thoughtful than the expensive gifts, and it was something she actually liked and had a real use of unlike most of the things he tried to gift her.
"Not the first time I've smelled vomit around you this week, Rogue," Logan said, "You been feeling all right lately?"
"Yeah," she answered, "Why...do Ah look bad?"
"You look healthy," he supposed. "A little flushed, but you look fine...but you shouldn't be throwing up so often."
"Ah've had a stomach bug this past few weeks," she answered, "every time Ah try to eat Ah end up feelin' terrible. Ah ate a piece of chicken at School Ah think wasn't cooked all that well, it might be food poisonin'."
"Maybe you should see the Professor."
"Ah already did, he says Ah'm fine."
Her mentor lingered there, "there's somethin' different about you..."
Rogue shrugged, "what?"
"Your scent is different..."
"Ah haven't showered this mornin' yet."
"No, it's not that..."
"Maybe it's that fake blood," she tried to explain, "it smelled kind of sugary to me...Ah think it's mainly made of corn syrup."
"It's not that," Logan said, he sniffed the air, "it's...different. It's...stronger...more intense."
Rogue shrugged again, "Ah don't know what to tell you," she tried to hide her nerves. She knew Logan's sense of smell was very keen, but was he able to smell pregnancy? You're just bein' paranoid. "Anyway, Ah have to go get ready, me and Remy are goin' to a movie."
She moved up the stairs quickly and headed off to find clothes, to shower, change and do her hair, she took her time because the movie she planned taking Remy to didn't even start until midday, and she decided it might be nice to make the effort for him. She added a little curl to her hair, sweeping it a little away from her face rather than letting it hang in front of her face as she usually did. She wore one of the blouses he'd picked for her, it was a an almost dark jade green shade that had a slight shimmer of purple to it when the sun hit it. She thought it might appease him to wear it for him.
She almost considered wearing the corset from her wedding dress beneath it but it would show far too much beneath even if she put a tanktop over it. No, it was better to save that for tonight, when the lights were all out and the others were fast asleep.
Maybe Ah shouldn't be havin' sex when pregnant, she realised as she dusted on her makeup; she made her eyeshadow a little more smoky and smouldering than usual, her lips a little paler so her eyes stood out more. What if it feels different to him and he notices. Am Ah just bein' paranoid?
She supposed she was being foolish but she couldn't help herself.
By the time she'd finished getting ready, she felt confident she looked good enough for him. She still wished she had Tabitha's looks and Jean's body, but for some strange reason Remy LeBeau seemed to like her assets just the way they were and she supposed at least that was something.
She sent him a text message to meet her downstairs, she borrowed Logan's Jeep keys without asking, and waited for him in the garage.
She hadn't noticed earlier how tired he looked, but in the poor lighting in the garage it really showed. Had he slept at all? He'd showered and shaven, but it didn't make him look any the more alert or fresh faced, his eyes were a little dark beneath and it only made his strange black and red eyes stand out all the more.
"You look tired," she commented as she watched him getting into the Jeep.
"You look sexy," he replied, eyeing her up, he pushed aside the lapel of her leather jacket, "that the firs' time I see y' wear that blouse."
"Yeah, Ah thought it was time Ah put it on," she pulled on her seatbelt.
"It looks good on y'...lil' see through but...I like that..." he bucked his own seatbelt. "So what's this movie we're seein'?"
"It's all action, a lot of stars in it, and a few sex scenes apparently, so it should be your thing," Rogue shrugged, she pushed the button on the keyring to open the garage door and she eased the Jeep out.
"Doesn' matter what we go t' see as long as we're t' gether," he put his hand on her thigh and left it there as she took the car down the driveway. "How y' feel about breakfast?"
"It...was awkward," she admitted. "Ah knew there'd be questions."
"Yeah...I think y' handled it okay though. I mean, they get that somethin' is goin' on, they don' know we're havin' sex though. I get the feelin' they won' really expect we can."
"Good," Rogue said. "By the way...when you were out earlier, Ah asked where you were and Scott said you went out to look at a Harley. Ah swear to god if you bought it you better just take it right back or Ah'll-"
"I didn' buy a Harley," he assured.
"You didn't?"
"Nope."
"Good," she felt her anxiety drop a little, "'Cause Ah really don't want you ridin' one of those things. Lately you've been so tired. Ah know you're pretty alert and stuff but so much can happen on the open road on a bike, and-"
"I was at my shrink."
Rogue blinked, "oh..." was all she could manage as she led the Jeep on out of the gates of the institute grounds.
"Yeah," he said.
"Is...everythin'...okay?"
"I jus'..." he took a breath, "I had some...issues, 'cause o' last night, the fight wit' Tabitha and everythin'. So...I went t' talk it out. That's what we do...we talk it out and she tries t' help me come up wit' solutions."
"Ah saw her this mornin'," Rogue admitted, "Ah...didn't really know what to say to her."
"T' be honest, not sure what I'm gon' say t' her either, yet," he leaned on the door and sighed. "We both owe her a huge apology."
"Hey, she owes me one too," Rogue pointed out, "Ah mean, okay, Ah know Ah lied to her and kept things for her, but she still made it pretty clear she was gonna seduce you right from under your wife's nose...Ah'm owed an apology...right?"
"I don' think so, since y' kinda brought it on y'self. Look, we both brought this on. We shoul' been straight wit' her. We shoul' been straight wit' everyone."
Rogue frowned, "You know that Ah-"
"Yeah, had some issues. I get it, believe me. I...saw the way they gossip...didn' wan' believe they were like that, thought they'd be a bit more understandin' but...y' were right. Comin' out wit' that after jus' comin' back woul' have been suspicious. They'd have assumed somethin' happened. Your way worked, they don' suspect anythin'."
"They will when Tabitha tells them we're married," Rogue pointed out.
"Y' know what," Remy sighed, "I don' really wan' t' talk this over right now..." he confessed. "I jus' wan' have a nice day wit' you..."
"Me too, Remy. Me too."
Remy hadn't enjoyed a day out like this since he'd been in St. Tropez and spent the day visiting the waterfront with Rogue. Today definitely was better than that, although the setting of Bayville wasn't quite as romantic as St. Tropez, and it was far colder. They walked around town for a while until the movie was ready to start, hand in hand, not caring about who might see.
The movie was surprisingly good considering Rogue had picked it, he had never really saw eye to eye with her choice of films in the past but it had been one of the best he'd seen for a good while.
As they left the movie theatre, his mood had improved from this morning, and he'd almost already started to forget about the ghost.
"Ah still need you to get you somethin' for your birthday," Rogue said as took her phone out of her pocket and switched it on to check for messages.
"I don' need anythin'."
"Ah don't care that you don't need anythin'," she smirked, pocketing her phone again, "you're gettin' somethin'."
Remy slipped his arm around her shoulders, "It's real col' out here."
"Yeah, well, it is comin' into winter."
"I ain' used t' Bayville winter...even though I was here last year f' part of it."
"It sucks, compared to the south," she agreed, "but you kind of get used to it," she shivered. "So...you have any ideas about what you'd like for your birthday?"
"Y' already gave me it," he pointed out, "Y' tol' the others about us goin' out...y' let them see us at the party."
"No...Ah want to give you somethin' else...somethin' special..." she nudged him as they walked.
"Yeah well, that's f' when the lights go out," he reminded her with a smirk.
"Somethin' else," she pushed him.
"Any chance I coul' coax y' int' wearin' a thong? That'd be a pretty nice present..."
"You'll be wearin' a thong before Ah am, sugar," Rogue threw him a look, she stared into the window of a coffee shop, "Want to get coffee?"
"Yeah, sure," he said, "coul' really use a cup about now."
"Yeah, you look tired, darlin'," she reached up and brushed his cheek with the back of her gloved fingers, "you up all night?"
"I jus' slept lousy," he replied.
"Ah don't know how...that bed of yours is amazing. Ah slept like a baby."
"It's a good bed, but I was jus'...y' know..."
"Stressed about last night?" she asked.
"Yeah, but I don' really wan' talk about that. Lets go get some coffee."
Remy found a little table by the window as Rogue went to the counter; she'd insisted on paying everything today and for once he'd decided not to argue with her. Besides, he'd already assumed most of the money she'd be spending was probably the money he'd put in her account.
He sat quietly watching out the window, it was a light drizzle of rain outside and watching the puddle on the pavement outside as the ripples danced across it left him feeling strangely soothed almost into falling asleep.
"Here," she said, "Ah got them to throw a double shot of espresso in, you really looked like you need it," she put the large drink down in front of him.
"Y' read my mind," he said, watching her as she took off her leather jacket and hung it over the back of her chair. She looked incredible in the blouse he'd bought her, her lithe body beneath showed nicely under the shimmering mesh if he looked hard enough, and if he concentrated, he could make out the fine pattern of her bra.
Rogue took a seat, crossing one leg primly over the other and raising her drink to her lips, the foam leaving a moustache on her mouth that he wished he could kiss away. She wiped her mouth on a napkin and leaned back in the chair. "So, had any more thought about what you'd like for your birthday?"
"I honestly ain' thought it over yet," he replied. "How 'bout sex in a dressin' room..." he teased.
"You wish," she frowned.
"Sex in Logan's Jeep..." he suggested, "man, can y' imagine how mad he'd be?"
"Yeah, and that's why that's not happenin'," she halfed the giant cookie she'd bought and put a piece to her mouth while pushing the plate with the other half across the table towards him. "Come on, there must be somethin' you want."
"I don' really have much use o' material things."
"How about a watch?" she asked, "somethin' moderately priced..."
"Nah, I don' need a watch, I got a pretty decent one already," he pointed out, "and it's supposed t' last at least ten years."
"Ugh. And Ah suppose you're not the type of guy who really digs jewellery," she sipped her coffee again.
"Less y' want me t' get my nipple pierced."
Rogue made a face.
"Oh don' make that face at me, if I had blue hair, wore eyeliner and had a dozen piercin's, y' would think I was a god."
"Ah don't really like the whole idea of piercin' there..."
"Really?" he asked, he leaned forward intrigued, "so I wouldn' be able t' persuede y' t' pierce yours?" he teased, knowing how uncomfortable it would make her.
She grimaced, "why would you want me to?!"
"It'd look sexy," he supposed.
"What's wrong with what Ah got?" she asked, she glanced down self consciously at her chest almost as if she expected she'd see her breasts naked at that moment. The thought of that happening almost amused him.
"Nothin' wrong with what y' got in the least," he promised. "Y' got a really sexy body."
"Shut up," she threw a small piece of cookie at him.
"Y' got real nice tits..." he confessed, "they even look like y' gained a cup lately," he admitted, glancing towards her chest appreciatively.
Rogue folded her arms over her chest stubbornly, throwing him a look.
"Okay then, so I can't get y' t' pierce y' nipples f' my birthday," he said, he pretended to pout.
"Ah'm not scarrin' up my body just so you can get your rocks off," she said coolly, "You can get yours pierced if you like, get it all pierced, nipples, dick, the lot if it suits you."
Remy laughed, "No way, I ain' piercin' my dick."
"You afraid of it?" she teased him back.
"No, I jus' don' wan' deal with a month or two o' bein' out o' comission while it heals," he winced, "that's more painful than the thought o' a needle goin' int' it."
Rogue chewed her cookie thoughtfully, she was staring out of the window at the passing people.
He examined her, she looked beautiful in the grey afternoon light coming in through the window, the rain had begun to come down heavier outside and it streaked down the glass, casting patterns upon her face.
"Y' gon' lose her, soon as she knows what y' are...soon as she know y' a lunatic. Deranged violent lil' lunatic," Jean-Luc hissed near his ear.
Remy sighed inwardly, he'd known it had been too good to be true, that eventually the bastard would return. Can't I have jus' one day?
"It's y' birthday...y' think I was gon' miss my son's birthday?" Jean-Luc chuckled.
Remy closed his eyes for a moment and tried to pull himself together.
"Remember the las' real presen' I give y'? Y' carry that around wit' y' forever."
It struck him that for a moment, he wasn't sure entirely who he had said it to, whether it was Rogue or Jean-Luc, but the words, "It was a belt," spilled from his lips.
"Hmm?" she asked, turning to look at him, her green eyes full of confusion, hands hugging her cup in her gloved hands.
He stared into space, "he come in, stinkin' like...like gin an' beer an' cigarattes...stink o' sweat clingin' t' him. Can remember the way he said I couldn' hide 'neath the blankets, they weren' gon' save me, nothin' would...and he tore 'em off me..." he frowned a little. "Sometimes things is...such a blur...y' know. An' then...some things come in as clear as day.. I remember the taste...that...sour...foul taste o' his skin...unwashed dirty skin...it make me gag...I tried so hard t' not but I couldn' help it..."
It seemed everything in the cafe must have gone silent; in the back of his mind he knew there was still music playing, the sounds of the coffee grinder and the milk steamer, the sounds of cups clinking against saucers. But his world was unutterably silent.
As was his wife.
He dare not look at her, knowing he'd find horror on her face and couldn't handle being the one to put it there, he couldn't even imagine what was making him brave enough to carry on, only that there was no going back in the middle of this tale of teenage terror. This was far more horrific than the ghost stories the others had told last night at the party.
"He grab my hair hard...right here..." he touched the back of his head absently, the pain reminded him of when Jean-Luc had caught him in the mens restroom at school weeks ago. "Thrust himself...it was chokin' me...I couldn' breathe, an' I bit down 'cause I didn' wan' die..." he swallowed hard, reliving the moment so vividly right then. "I remember his...his screamin'...shrill, and the blindin' pain that caught me when he smack me upside the head...wasn' until I felt the sting o' the leather agains' my bare back and ass that I started comin' to...I turned t' try and kick him away, an' it caught me...the buckle slip from his grip and it hit me...firs' it jus' felt like I'd been punched...but then I saw the blood...corner o' it caught me hard enough t' split the skin...left the scar...L-shape...jus' like y' said..."
He heard Rogue's breath coming out in horrified little shudders, even in his peripheral vision he saw her eyes wide, sensed her silent tremoring within.
"Firs' time I really see him panic since Vivienne died. We had t' rush t' the hospital, he looked like he was gon' have a heart attack all the way in the car. We tol' the hospital I fell on a scaffold...an' that was that. No one cared enough t' ask questions...or maybe they was paid t' not. Either way...they stitch me up, say sorry that they couldn' fix the internal tearin' and that was that."
Remy dropped his eyes down to the table, he felt Rogue grab his hand, her grasp was painfully tight; she'd never felt so real until that moment. Tangible and strong, like steel cables holding up from slipping further down the mountain.
Remy sighed, "so..." he said, he straightened his back and pulled himself together, he couldn't go further right now. It had been enough for one day, it was draining enough as it was. "I know what I want."
She frowned a little, perplexed by the question, "sorry?"
"F' my birthday," he said, he raised his eyes and glanced around the cafe realising that Jean-Luc was nowhere in sight, he couldn't even hear him anymore.
"Anythin' you want, sugar," she said softly to him. "Anythin' you want."
End of Part Thirty-Nine
Hopefully no one is too traumatised by the revelation at the end there (hopefully I won't be flamed, etc). Least now it's probably obvious why he would lie about it to Rogue from the get-go.
Hopefully at least the two of them being a little more open about their relationship with the others will take the sting away from the end part a little.
Thanks to all for the multitude of reviews that have flown in, am really thrilled so many are reading tonight and I really appreciate the time you guys take to say a few words. Especially the theories and thoughts, they always make my day. Anyway, this is probably the last update for the weekend, should be the middle of the week now before the next one comes along. Have a good weekend all :)
(Sorry, Taryn...for letting you think you'd 'caught up' with the story only to throw this one up last minute, lol!)