BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Forty-Two
"How exactly did you say this happened?" asked Professor Xavier, examining Remy's cut hand closely; the bleeding had mostly stopped but the wound was still seeping and slightly gaping.
"Cuttin' vegetables f' a salad," Remy made a face. "Knife slipped..."
"Nothing else?"
Remy glanced over his shoulder, trying to avoid the fact that Jean-Luc was lingering in the corner of the sickbay, watching ever single move he made.
"Remy..." the Professor snapped his fingers to get his attention, "is it happening again?"
"Yes..." Remy lowered his eyes, "he won' leave me alone...was talkin' in my ear...the knife slipped...I don' know if I did it or...or if he did it."
Professor Xavier wheeled himself over to a small safe and quickly tapped in a combination on the keypad, he retrieved a small vial and a hypodermic, "I'll give you something for the pain. It should sedate you somewhat, although it might not remove the ghost's presence completely."
"Anythin' is a help," Remy said.
"Normally," the Professor drew some of the liquid from the small vial, "I wouldn't use this for such a minor injury. But as I understand it, it's not just a minor injury you have, is it?"
"I guess Hank tol' y' about my new body art," Remy smirked wryly.
"He did mention it. It must be painful..."
"It stings, I ain' gon' lie," Remy confessed.
"This will help," the Professor lay out Remy's arm across the table to find a vein, he dabbed on antiseptic and pushed the needle in with such delicate precision Remy didn't even feel the pinch.
The rush came over him within minutes, and he sat there quiet, feeling slightly serene while the Professor began to stitch up the wound on his hand.
"I'd appreciate it," began the Professor, "if you didn't show my students your...modification. It looks rather ghastly right now, I was told, and they are rather impressionable."
"Kids will be kids."
"Yes, well, after learning that you had a tattoo, Bobby tried to give himself one with biro ink and a sewing needle. Logan has grounded him and I've suspended his allowance. Needless to say, I shudder to think what might happen now."
"Don' worry, I won' walk about topless," Remy promised.
"I've arranged to have the heating mended in your bedroom, by the way," the Professor admitted.
Remy felt the slight pinch of the needle and the pull of the surgical thread, he frowned a little, it wasn't so much painful as just uncomfortable, "it was broken?"
"You weren't aware?"
"Nope," Remy shook his head.
"I have Logan do checks on the air conditioning and the heating system every few months to be sure that nothing can go wrong – as winter is coming in, the last thing we need is students freezing in their room. Last night, Logan found your room was incredibly cold – the radiator dial had been broken, stuck on the lowest setting with no heat coming from it at all."
"Guess it was that way when I moved in...I ain' never touched that heatin'. Never took note o' it."
"It's not much of a surprise that you were ill for much longer than the others were when you caught your cold," the Professor realised.
"Yeah, suppose," Remy nodded; he stared back at the bald man realising he was looking at him darkly, was he trying to read him right then? Am I easier t' read when I'm sedated?
Remy was certain if the Professor had been trying to read his thoughts he'd have felt the push of his powers. As it was, all he felt was the slightly swimmy light-headedness from the painkiller.
"How are things between you and Rogue?" Professor Xavier asked, trying to make it sound so incredibly casual while Remy sensed that he was truly concerned about something. He just couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly.
"Rogue and I are fine," he responded, "better than fine, actually."
"You sound rather enthusiastic," the Professor noted.
"We..." Remy paused, "We're communicatin' much better now...talkin' things out proper, y' know?" he lowered his eyes, "I've...I've been talkin' t' her...'bout some things."
"Have you told her about Jean-Luc? About the entity?"
"Not yet," Remy swallowed, "I'm...not sure how t' really start that conversation. I was hopin' I coul' just get rid o' it so that I never had t' tell her."
"If only it were that simple," the Professor nodded, understanding. "If you like, we can try again...I can try to invade your thoughts and try to find out what it is that Jean-Luc wants..."
Remy's stomach tightened a little at the thought of having to relive more of the ugliness. Dr. Forbes kept telling him that until he relived it, he couldn't get past it. She'd once told him that he couldn't climb a mountain without looking at it. Jean-Luc and the years of mistreatment...it was a massive mountain.
Mountain' o' shit, Remy thought darkly.
"Right now, while you're sedated, it should be easier," the Professor said.
"Y' tried before while I was under the influence an' it did nothin' much except show y' ol' memories..."
"Sometimes things take patience and several attempts before success," Professor Xavier placed a dressing on the wound, "I have time. If you would like to do so."
Remy didn't really want to go back to any of those dark places right now; it was a Sunday...he'd been wanting to spend it with Rogue. Spending it with Rogue didn't include spending it while feeling depressed over things he couldn't change any more.
"What y' afraid o', afraid o' lookin' back and findin' y' liked it?" Jean-Luc muttered, his voice seemed slightly muted, muffled, as if Remy was hearing him through walls.
"Okay...lets do it," Remy finally agreed.
It took almost half an hour for Remy to get comfortable enough to let the Professor anywhere near his thoughts. They went to the Professor's office; he'd found that often the ticking of the clock on the mantle helped him to relax, the loud, firm tick almost reminded him of a metronome, and strangely he imagined it as he closed his eyes and listened, laying there on the Professor's office couch, aware of the gentle push of the Professor's telepathic powers.
The Professor would speak in that soothing almost hypnotic tone, words of encouragement, urging him to let go, drop his walls, that he could sleep if he felt comfortable enough. Remy wasn't sure if it was his voice or the sedative swimming in his system, but eventually he felt himself sinking into heavy thick trance.
Memories came flooding back to him, some fresh, some not. His training at fourteen, Jean-Luc's constant insults and warnings that he needed to get better or he'd never be considered to join the guild fully. Remy couldn't help but wonder why he'd ever cared.
And then the last time he'd seen Jean-Luc in the house at Louisiana flooded back to his memories, fresh and vivid, everything from the smell of the vomit and that rank odour of cat piss in the room to the deathlike way the man had lay there unconscious hanging from the couch. The parking lot...while they'd been carrying Jean-Luc to the parking lot he'd began to take a seizure, flopping around, making it impossible to grip onto him. In his mind so clearly he saw Rogue holding Jean-Luc down to try and stop him from banging his head against the hard asphalt. The last time he'd seen Jean-Luc alive was being wheeled away on a gurney...Remy had thought the bastard was dead right then. He remembered wishing he had been.
It was too much, and Remy brought himself out of it, gasping for breath.
"Calm down," the Professor put a hand on his shoulder.
As heavy as he felt, he pulled himself from the couch, "I can't..."
"It's all right...it's only a memory..."
"Jesus..." Remy moved to the fireplace, he leaned against it; he was aware of the intense heat of the crackling fire, his denim jeans seemed to absorb it and he felt the fabric burn against his thighs. He moved away.
"That was the last time you saw Jean-Luc?"
"Las' time alive, yes..." Remy swept his hand over his short hair. How could he be sedated and feel so wired? "Fuck..."
"Why do you think you took me to that memory?"
"I didn'...it jus' happened..."
"Was there something specific about it?"
"Other than the bastard were dyin' and I wished him dead?" Remy snorted, he looked away, "Nothin' stands out..."
"Please sit...try to calm yourself. It might take several more attempts before we get through..."
"No...I can't do it again...not right now...I need t' get some air...somethin'..."
"Remy, if you need to talk, you know you can speak to me about anything. Holding things back will only make the problem worse..."
"I'm not holdin' back," Remy drew a breath, "I'm sorry...I need t' go."
He left the mansion via the nearest exit through the patio doors of the formal living room. He was surprised to see Tabitha Smith standing outside in the cold sunshine in her workout clothes and a thick sweater as if she were expecting someone.
"Tabitha..." he said, finding her there coming as a little of a surprise so much that he was unprepared for what he may say.
Tabitha looked away from him.
"Listen, I-" he began, not sure where exactly he was going to take the conversation.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" Tabitha interrupted.
Remy took a deep breath, "it weren' me, it were Rogue...her secret...her rules."
"And you just went along with it," Tabitha sneered. "Mr. secretive."
"I'm not the only person here wit' secrets," he leaned against the wall, he tried to hide his shaking from his memories, tried to hide that he felt weak and drowsy; right now he wished he could sleep.
"What are you implying?" she frowned. "I've never hidden anything, I've been up front about almost all aspects of my life, I never denied anything whatsoever!"
"Y' pregnant," he said.
Tabitha tilted her head, looking at him curiously; she took his knowing much more calmly than he had expected her to take it. "What...makes you think I'm pregnant?" she queried.
"Y' got all the signs...y' put weight on...y' threw up at school on Friday...an' I heard Hank an' the Professor talkin' about it. I guess that's why they cancelled all the trainin'...t' make it hard t' single y' out so people wouldn' know..."
"You heard them talking about me being pregnant?" she asked.
"I wasn' meant t' overhear...sound carried...I overheard. I think they knew 'fore you did. It came up on the drug tests, right?"
Tabitha was about to say something, then stopped herself, "what came up on my drug test...it's not your business."
"I know...I'm sorry...I just..." he looked around helplessly, "I...I'm sorry..."
"Sorry for what?"
"That y' in this mess..."
"I'm not in a mess. I'm handling things just fine, Remy," Tabitha looked away with a frown.
"What about the father?"
"The father is..." Tabitha paused, "out of the loop, I guess."
"Y' ain' gon' tell him."
"I've...been standing here thinking about whether it's right or not to tell him..." she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, "he's not prepared for this...he definitely doesn't need the strain."
"I know him?" Remy asked quietly, wondering exactly who this person was that she was considering above herself. Normally, Tabitha didn't give much consideration at all for the men she'd been with...of course, most of his knowledge of that was strictly limited to what he'd heard about her.
"He's at our school," Tabitha admitted.
That didn't really narrow down who the father could have been, judging by Tabitha's loose reputation.
"So..." Remy said, sighing, "What's...what's the plan exactly?"
"I'm not sure yet..." she folded her arms against the cold, "What would you do?"
"Ain' up t' me."
"If it were?"
"I don' know," Remy said honestly. "I...I don' really think it'd be wise t' have kids...if it were me, I mean. An'...an' I wouldn' wan' any kid o' mine t' be adopted out or anythin'...jus' so they coul' end up like me."
"What about other alternatives?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Y' talkin' 'bout abortion?" he asked uncomfortably.
"Maybe," she sniffed, "what would your thoughts be there?"
The subject made him cringe inwardly. He wasn't sure how he would react. Jean-Luc had tried to instil catholic morals into his upbringing, and abortion had always been considered a sin in the LeBeau household. Remy thought it almost ironic, because he was certain Henri had probably paid for a few lovers to have their 'problems taken care of'.
"It...it makes me a lil'...uneasy. T' think o' a baby like a...a disease that...has t' be cured..." he sighed, "I mean, I get the reasonin', I can understand why y' woul' go down that route. But if it were me...I don' think I'd really wan' know if that's the step y' was gon' take."
"I see," Tabitha nodded, her expression thoughtful. "Can't miss what you didn't have to begin with."
Remy examined her, she was beautiful in the bleak afternoon sun, a strange maturity and seriousness had replaced her overmade up face and glimmering eyes and knowing smirks. She'd changed so much in two months. He supposed he had too.
"Are...are we good?" Remy asked after a moment, finding the talk with her – despite it being about her – being rather cathartic.
"You lied to me, and you can't expect me to just forgive you for that," Tabitha shook her head, "or for the fact that you both let me make a jackass out of myself...I mean you knew how I felt...you and Rogue both knew...and you let me continue...you let me humiliate myself, not just to you guys but to everyone, all the while knowing I was never going to get anywhere!"
"I tol' y'..."
"How was I supposed to take it? You're married to some unseen woman who didn't want you and me and you just clicked in ways I haven't clicked with any other guy my whole life!"
"I was honest from the get go, Tab..." Remy pointed out unhappily, "I tol' y' I love my wife...that there was no one ever gon' get in the way o' it. And y' still kept at it..."
"You made allusions to the fact your marriage was on the rocks!"
"Because me an' Rogue thought it'd be best t' play out like I got divorced an' then me and her woul' pick up as a couple. It was never meant t' hurt y'. I never wanted t' hurt y'."
Tabitha looked away angrily.
"Y' said y' love me," Remy reminded her. "An'...that's always nice t' hear. An' the truth is...in the few short months I've gotten t' know y'...spent time wit' y'...I've come t' realise I love y' too..." he touched her shoulder, "But not like y' want...it can never be like that.."
Her expression softened a little, her eyes were full of hurt when she turned to look at him.
"I like being friends wit' y', Tabitha. I love bein' friends wit' y'. We got more in common than anyone here...we see the world the way others won'...and it makes y' easy t' talk t' about things I ain' ever managed t' tell other people 'bout. An' you...y' tol' me things. It'd be a shame if we had t' lose that."
"Remy..." she sighed.
"All right, so it ain' romance...it ain' sex and dates an' flowers an' chocolates an' jewellery..." he continued. "But it never was t' begin wit'. Why change it? It worked. Things were fine..."
"Things were fine that way when I thought I could trust you," Tabitha sighed, "but now...I know I can't."
"Ain' there a way I can make it up to you?"
"I don't think so, Remy," Tabitha shook her head, "I'll be civil, because we live together, because we're on the same team, and because it makes others uncomfortable. But as for being your friend...I think that ship has sailed, and I don't think there's any way you could ever make it up to me. You should probably go inside now, Remy, your wife is probably looking for you."
Remy realised she was right, he'd left Rogue in the kitchen and she was probably wondering why he'd taken an hour to get his hand stitched. Sighing, he pushed himself away from the wall and headed inside.
Rogue had finished making the food in his absence, it was sitting on the kitchen table when he returned and glanced down.
"I was gon' finish that."
"Doesn't matter now, it's done," she said, she was sitting at one plate, the food untouched.
Remy sat down slowly, "sorry about snappin' earlier..." he said quietly.
Rogue stared at him, "are you...?"
"Hmm?"
Curiously she put her hand on his brow, lifting his eyebrow a bit, staring into his eyes, "you...you're on somethin'...Ah can see it in your eyes...you look all...dopey."
"Yeah, Prof give me a painkiller t' take the edge off...helped t' deal wit' the stitches..." he brushed her hand away lightly.
"How many?"
"Painkillers? It were jus' a shot..."
"No...stitches."
"Oh...Jus' four or five."
"Not too bad, Ah suppose."
"Yeah..." he dropped his eyes to the food, "anyway, sorry I snapped, I jus' felt stupid f' cuttin' myself on that damn knife."
"Can happen to anyone," she said, "anyway, dig in," she pushed her fork into her salad and stabbed a piece of cucumber, she bit into it.
He took a bite of the sandwich, thinking of the conversation outside with Tabitha. He supposed it might be wise to give Rogue a heads up that he had talked to the girl, that he had at least tried to apologise. Honesty, he reminded himself. If y' wan' have that kind o' relationship wit' her, y' have to give as well as expect it.
"I...uhm..." he chewed thoughtfully for a moment, "I ran int' Tabitha..."
Rogue's expression looked strangely troubled, he lifted her eyes from the food and gazed at him. "You were away a long time..."
"Yeah, we...talked it out. Or at leas' I tried t'. Tried t' say I was sorry but...I guess she ain' acceptin' that."
Rogue ran her gloved finger along the rim of her glass of water, expression distant.
"She's mad wit' both of us. She said she'd be civil, 'cause we live t' gether...but as f' friendship...that's...done."
"Oh," said Rogue, she picked up the glass and took a sip. "You know...if she'd met you first...this probably wouldn't have even happened," she admitted after a moment.
"Y' think I'd be with her instead?" Remy asked curiously.
She put her glass down, "no. Ah think she'd have done what she always does. She'd have had a one night thing with you, and dropped you. Nothin' more would have been said about it. Once she has a fling with a guy – at least from what Ah know about her – she pretty much moves on."
It wasn't the first time Remy had found himself thinking that he and Tabitha were more and more alike. He'd once had that same ethic when it came to women. Trying to get his mind off of thinking of former conquests, he gazed upon his wife, she seemed rather preoccupied. He had to wonder if this was wholly because of the situation with Tabitha or if something else might be bothering her.
"Y' okay?" he asked.
"Sure, why wouldn't Ah be?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Y' been real quiet t' day..." he admitted, he ran his fingers gently along her sleeve, "anythin' wrong?"
"Not at all," she replied, "Ah guess this whole thing with Tabitha just...bugs me. Ah caused it..."
"Not entirely. Tabitha had some hand in it, so did I. I guess we all did stupid things."
"Yeah, but the thing is...the only one that comes out of it lookin' stupid is her. She's the one who gets to be humiliated while we go off together and be happy. God, if Ah had just said in the beginnin' about us..."
"Y' weren' t' know."
"Ah just didn't trust her...she always runs her mouth..."
"Like I said, some things, she can keep. If y' had expressed how important and how personal it was t' y' t' keep things a secret, she probably wouldn' have told anyone."
"You sound so sure about that..." Rogue admitted.
"She's kept my secrets..." he reminded, "and that's pretty deep stuff."
"Yeah, but...she identifies with that. Ah mean...if...what Ah think happened to her did happen...Ah can understand why she's feel obligated to keep that secret..."
"She wasn't obligated," Remy responded, "It wasn't that she felt she had to keep it 'cause I'd blab about hers."
"Ah didn't mean it like that," Rogue sighed, "Ah just...Ah don't know what Ah meant."
"Look, Tabitha is a bit of a wildchild...but she's a good person...she jus' makes some really shitty choices."
"Yeah, like sleepin' with every boy in Bayville."
"I...kind o' get it..." Remy took a breath.
"This isn't like you, Remy. You slept around because you're a guy and that's what guys do..." Rogue pointed out.
"Sexist," he retorted.
"Pardon?"
"If I had said what you jus' said, y' woul' call me a sexist pig."
"What do you mean?" Rogue took a bite of her sandwich.
"Well...there's always that double standard thing, right?" he asked. "It's okay f' a guy t' go around and sow his oats, 'cause that's what guys do. Girl does it though? She's a whore, right?"
Rogue looked down to the table, frowning.
"Tabitha isn' a whore. She's..." he tried to look for the explanation. "Lookin' f' affection...in the wrong place."
"Are you tryin' to say that's what you were doin'?" Rogue queried.
"No...wit' me it were different."
"How?"
"When y' been exposed t' certain things as a young age, it can...kinda distort everythin' f' y'. When I'd go off wit' all the women I did...it were about gettin' off, I won' lie. But it were abou' bein' the one in control...bein' the one t' say when and where, and bein' the one t' have the human contact when I wanted it."
"And it wasn't about wanting affection?"
"I never really wanted affection," he confessed, "not 'til you."
"What changed it?" Rogue asked.
Remy ran a finger along the edge of his plate absently, "y' remember the day after our weddin'?"
"When you were stinkin' hungover?"
"I was hungover...wors' hangover probably ever had at that poin'," he took a deep breath, "jus' out o' the shower, I was sittin' on the bed nursin' a killer o' a headache, my brain throbbin' wit' the thoughts o' how I was gon' get through goin' back home...how I was gon' survive it again..."
Rogue was silent, she didn't move a muscle, not even to take a bite from her plate.
"Y' came over t' me...aspirin in hand...y' were probably the firs' person outside o' Vivienne or Tante Mattie who ever tried t' take care o' me..." he took a deep breath, "then...I feel y' hand...y' touched my head..." he raised his hand to his temple, "jus' gentle...trailed down t' my face..."
Even though he wasn't staring right at her, staring into space instead remembering it so vividly, he could tell Rogue's eyes and expression had softened at the thought of it all.
"An' it was so...soft...an' I knew there was nothin' behind it...it was the firs' time I think anyone touch me like that. I been havin' sex since I was a kid but...that...that was intimate...it was the stronges' thing I'd ever felt...it was the firs' time I think I'd ever felt any real affection before...an'...I wanted it again. I had never wanted anythin' so much than t' have y' touch me that way f' the rest o' my life. Y' soothed a pain in me that wen' deeper than the headache..."
Rogue reached over and took his hand, she gripped it tightly.
"I knew the night before that I'd fallen in love wit' y'...when I watched y' walk down that aisle..." he squeezed her hand back and gazed at her, "I ain' a religious man...y' know that. Jean-Luc tried t' instil his catholic belief int' me but it was too hard t' believe in a God that woul' let that happen t' me over and over..." he explained softly. "I'm not religious...I don' believe in God...if takin' his name in vain is anythin' to go by. But yet...when y' came int' that chapel...my heart jus' stop. I didn' expect t' see an Angel, but that's what y' were. F' that moment, y' made me believe in God...that he mus' exist if y' were there."
Rogue scoffed a little.
"Y' laugh," he shook his head, "but it's true. I fell in love wit' y' the moment I saw y' walkin' towards me lookin' like an angel in silver gossamer..." he swallowed, "an' when we got t' the suite later...I couldn' get it out o' my head that y' were in the next room and all I wanted was t' consummate the marriage an' make it real, make it bind...be wit' y' heart, body and soul..."
Rogue searched his eyes, he smiled a little at her.
"I...already knew about how we coul' be t' gether...like we was on the yacht. I figured it out that night...sat there rackin' my brain f' ways."
"If you knew then..." Rogue began, "why didn' you try to make it happen? You're so...charming and manipulative...you could have had it then. Ah was naked in the bathroom and you were there with me...if you had made a move..."
"If I had made a move, y' woul' have freaked or withdrew from me. Y' didn' understand how y' felt about me yet..."
"Ah...Ah was attracted..." she confessed.
"But y' didn' love me," he said, "I wasn' gon' take advantage, I wanted y' t' make y' mind up about me firs' before I made the move...before I showed y' how it coul' be done..."
Rogue took a deep breath, still gripping onto his hand.
"I panicked...I didn' know I was gon' want y' so much...I wen' out t' try and burn out a lil' o' the frustration."
"And ended up in a strip club," she smiled wryly.
"In my defence, it were a real classy one. Leas' what I can remember."
Rogue took a moment, she stared down at the table, her expression thoughtful, "Can...can Ah ask somethin'?"
"What?"
"Ah won't get mad if you say yes...because...things were different and...the terms of our...agreement were still real unclear..."
"Y' askin' if I had sex that night," he realised dully.
She pushed the salad around her plate, expression slightly unhappy, "Ah always wondered. You were gone for so long, you had lipstick on you...smelled of perfume when you got back..."
"Y' won' get mad?" he asked, he chewed the inside of his cheek, he gazed down wearily at his injured hand. Painkiller or not, it still stung.
"Like Ah said...terms of our situation were...really unclear. Ah wasn't aware you loved me...Ah wasn't aware Ah loved you. We were supposed to be together for convenience, not...feelin's so..."
"So..."
"If anythin' happened, it's not...like you cheated, is what Ah'm sayin'."
"Even if we was married?" he asked dully.
"Even if."
Remy pursed his lips together for a moment, "there was this...girl...one o' the strippers..."
Rogue looked away, her expression suddenly full of hurt and devastation.
"It nearly happened," Remy drew his breath, "nearly. She had eyes like yours...an' a body t' die f', an' I was so frustrated...an' I got as far as flirtin' wit' her...she was so ready t' take me home wit' her. We was out in the street an' everythin' talkin' about goin' t' her place. I hazily remember puttin' my hand on her hip an'...then I saw my ring..." he gazed down at his wedding ring for a moment, he twisted it a little around his finger, spying the tan lines it had left. "I couldn' go through wit' it."
"Really?" she asked, sounding hopeful.
"I drank myself int' near unconsciousness instead. I was so confused, chere...and so worried about home and...so unclear about how t' deal wit' what was happenin'..." he took a shallow breath but sighed out long and hard, "I'd suddenly jus' fallen f' y'...I couldn' help it. Since I married y', there's been no one...two women kiss me an' I reject them both...an' the stripper only ever kiss me on the cheek, I promise."
"And that's the truth?"
"That's the truth. Y' the only woman I wan' be wit' f' the rest o' my life."
"Ah want you to be the only one Ah be with too," she admitted, she drew a breath, "Unless Hugh Jackman ends up single...then you're on your own."
"Y' had t' say that," he frowned.
"Huh?"
"Y' know that asshole jerk who thinks he can act looks like Logan don' y'?"
Rogue smirked.
"Oh, that's real bitchy..." he frowned at her but smirked, "Y' tryin' t' wind me up like a lil' tinker toy, ain' y'?"
"Is...it workin'?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Not at all..." he commented, he cleared his throat.
"Eat your food, then we'll go watch a DVD."
"Sounds good t' me."
Remy had fallen asleep not long after the DVD had been put on; they'd tried to watch the DVDs she'd bought in France (luckily the DVD player would play multi-regional discs) but he'd drifted off somewhere after the second episode.
Awake, Rogue sat next to him, curled up against the arm rest, feeling slightly drowsy herself, listening to his light snoring, glancing every so often at his soft sleeping face.
Ah guess the painkiller knocked him out, she decided as she faced the television and tried to concentrate on the story; she wanted to be interested but couldn't find it in herself to be. Watching this brought back a lot of troubled memories of being in St. Tropez and not being able to connect with Remy in the way that she'd hoped she would.
Deciding to leave him to nap on the couch, she turned the DVD off, switched the television off and left him there alone; Amara was doing her homework at the back of the room and Rahne was reading in an armchair on the other side; their presence had been the only reason she'd not curled up beside her husband and gone to sleep herself.
It was slightly too soon to be showing that level of closeness and familiarity; as far as the others were aware, they were just in the beginning of a relationship, and it might look slightly odd should she try to show herself being closer to Remy.
Every time she looked at him she found herself unhappily wondering what he would say to her if he discovered the pregnancy, found herself wondering if that baby would have his eyes and his delicate nose and full lips. Stop wondering, she told herself. You know this isn't the time or the place to let this happen. He isn't ready, you aren't ready, and the rest of this mansion definitely isn't ready for that kind of thing. You need to make the decision now before it doesn't work any more. If you leave it too long, then you won't have any option.
She made her way upstairs and slipped quietly into her room closing the door behind herself. She sat at the edge of her bed and thought some more about it, knowing somewhere in her heart that this was not the time to let this happen. She wasn't ready; she wanted to be a mother, but not next year, she wanted a family, yes, but she already had one, didn't she? They might not be blood, but they were there.
And she had Remy.
In a few years, perhaps things would change, perhaps her powers may adapt, perhaps Remy may adapt too...how he felt now may not be the way he'd feel in five years or ten. They were young.
So young. There was still time to change their minds about things later...the doctor had told her that this wouldn't affect her future fertility, that there'd still be more chances for her to consider family later in her life. It wasn't as if this was the only chance, was it? If she'd gotten pregnant once, it could happen again...perhaps next time there was a chance she could even plan for it to happen...maybe next time Remy would be agreeable on the subject...enthusiastic about it.
She opened the drawer and took the pill out. She examined it in her gloved hand for a moment or two.
Do this and there's no going back, she told herself. If you do this you have to be sure...really sure.
In her mind, all she could see was the progress Remy was making, the way he was talking things through with her and how they were being more open and their relationship was working now. A baby would undo everything, she couldn't throw him into that world.
Are you doin' this for him or for you? She asked herself carefully. Do you want a baby right now?
She shook her head at herself. She lived in a dangerous world and bringing a child into it would be nerve racking. Her body might have been physically mature enough to create a baby, but it didn't mean she was mentally mature enough to.
And there's still no guarantee Ah can pull this off without somethin' happenin' when the birth time comes, she reminded herself. If it got to that and somethin' terrible happened...Ah could never live with myself...and Remy would never live with himself either...he'd feel guilty too, he'd be forever blamin' himself for initiatin' a sexual relationship with me.
She put the pill in her mouth and held it there for a moment. Do Ah want a baby?
No. She didn't. Not yet.
She twisted the cap off of her bottle of water and took a sip, washing the pill down, the strange sense of guilt and dread still staying with her. She was sure it still would stay for some time yet. She'd be kicking herself wondering if she'd just made the biggest mistake she could ever make. What if this was the only child she'd ever have? What had she just sacrificed.
Ah sacrificed for Remy...not for me.
There was a quiet knock at her door, she closed the drawer with the remaining pills and boxes within, and she composed herself, "yeah..." she answered.
The last person she expected to see there was Tabitha, standing looking slightly sheepish, her golden hair catching the last of the pale sunlight coming through the blinds.
"Tabitha..." Rogue managed in a little breath.
Tabitha held up a pair of shoes, "I borrowed these weeks ago..."
"Oh," Rogue said, not sure how to handle this.
Tabitha put them down on the floor by the wall, where they had usually been. She hovered, clasping both hands in front of her.
Rogue felt awkward and unnerved by her presence. What if she'd told Remy?
No, she didn't tell him. If she had he'd be gone by now. God, just ask her.
She took a deep breath, straightened up a little and spoke, "Ah heard you talked with Remy."
"I told him I'd be civil, that's it," Tabitha replied curtly. "Which is what I'll tell you..." she shifted from foot to foot. "I'll be civil 'cause basically, this is it for me. This is home, I got nowhere else to go. My family don't want me, my mom's side never liked mutants, my dad's side...well...they all disowned me since they think I was something to do with his being put in prison."
"So your dad really is in prison?" Rogue asked uneasily. She'd heard the rumours more than once but she hadn't known what to believe.
"Yes," Tabitha responded, she folded her arms uncomfortably, "So right now...I don't have a family, I don't really even have friends any more."
"That's not true," Rogue shook her head.
"Yes it is," Tabitha frowned, "You dropped me as a friend the moment you figured I liked Remy. Everyone else is...so judgemental about the way I live my life. If they're not making fun of me and talking behind my back they're embarrassed to sit with me at school. I'm the school slut and even my friends are ashamed of me."
"No one is ashamed of you," Rogue frowned.
"Yes they are," Tabitha muttered, "ashamed and suspicious and spiteful and vicious. But it's fine, because I apparently asked for it to be like that. I apparently asked to be judged as a slut. I'll even admit I practically did."
Rogue looked away, her nerves rattled, this conversation made her very uncomfortable.
"Bobby asked me this morning why I haven't offered him the same type of attention I offer the other guys at school," Tabitha mumbled unhappily, "and when I said I just didn't like him that way he asked if it was because he didn't have the thirty bucks."
She couldn't help but turn towards Tabitha and gape, it was a rather horrible thing for any one to have said to another person.
"I laughed it off," Tabitha shrugged, "what else could I do, right? It's all over the boys locker room, and the boys john...I give head for thirty bucks..."
"But you don't," Rogue reminded.
Tabitha gave her a stern look.
"Do you?"
"I owe everyone in this damn house money, Rogue. I have debt. I borrowed money from people at school...Everyone is on my back about it, all the damn time!" Tabitha spat. "How else am I suppose to pay it back on the measly allowance I get from the Professor."
Rogue took a deep breath, "Ah don't see why you need so much money...everything is bought for you here..."
Tabitha dropped her eyes, "You're not the only one who's had to have problems taken care of, Rogue."
Rogue blinked, "you...you..." she managed but she couldn't finish the sentence. She remembered even suggesting to the Professor it was surprising Tabitha hadn't been pregnant already but she'd never somehow expected it to have been true.
"I didn't have any free options."
"What did you do?" Rogue asked in a tiny voice.
"I had to get care somewhere...and it was expensive..." Tabitha took a deep breath, seeming to be struggling to hold herself together.
Rogue moved along the bed a little and gestured for the girl to sit. Tabitha sat slowly, she seemed slightly shaky. "What happened?"
"I got the pill first...and that was expensive enough. It didn't work 'cause I left it too late 'cause I didn't know. Then...I went to a private clinic in the city...there was no choice because the abortion was stuck in half-gear and they charged me almost one and a half grand...so suddenly I'm two grand in debt. I paid with my mom's credit card and she keeps forwarding the bills onto me, she wants nothing to do with it. She said if I don't pay it, she's going to tell the Professor everything and demand he pay for it!"
"Maybe you should have asked the Professor...the Professor wouldn't judge you..."
"Why do you think that? Because he didn't judge you?" Tabitha threw her a look. "You're married, and your powers make it a factor. It's so different. I'm the house slut, I get pregnant, I'm trash. More than I am already. I couldn't stand the Professor to think of me any lower than he probably already does..."
Rogue stared to the floor. She remembered what Remy had said about wondering, how it was human nature to wonder. Who had been the father of that baby? After Rogue had realised what it was about Tabitha that Remy had in common, she'd thought about Tabitha and her father a great deal. Now...now she had to wonder if he had anything to do with that pregnancy.
The thought made her feel more queasy than her morning sickness usually did.
Ah used to complain about my life...havin' toxic skin maybe isn't the burden Ah thought. Maybe it protected me...the others, Remy...Tabitha...they didn't have anythin' to protect them then...
"Ah'm...Ah'm sorry," Rogue managed weakly, her voice trembling.
Tabitha stared to the floor, "I don't want your pity, Rogue. I don't need your pity."
"It's not pity," Rogue said, "it's...it's that Ah know it's...it's hard..."
"It is," Tabitha agreed, with a nod. "Especially when you're alone..." she stood up and looked down at Rogue darkly, "But you're not...and that's the huge difference between us...'cause even going through this whether he knows or not you still have Remy."
"That doesn't make it feel any of the less lonely," Rogue shook her head at herself, her eyes blurring with fresh tears. "It's fucked up, right? I have this whole other person inside of me...and Ah've never felt more alone."
Tabitha gave a sigh and headed for the door, "take it from me, Rogue...you get used to feeling alone. In fact, sometimes you're just better off that way."
Rogue watched as the blonde left, closing the door behind herself. You're not alone, Tabitha, she wished she'd said. You're not alone.
End of Part Forty-Two
Admit it, who isn't surprised that Tabitha has had an abortion before? I probably wouldn't be, but then I did write her this way. She's been an interesting character to write, because she's something of the "villain" of the story in some parts (trying to steal Remy away) but she's more tragic than Rogue and Remy in some ways and despite everything else (and her tendency to do stupid irresponsible things) she has heart and cares. Hopefully she came off as slightly realistic and not just a pawn in a love triangle, lol.
And so it begins, Rogue has taken her abortion pill. GASP. Please don't flame for this, I went through such turmoil posting this whole "abortion story" thing. I nearly scrapped the whole lot and changed it entirely (god knows where the story would have ended up if I had). Thanks so much to heartbreaklane who was a huge support when I wasn't sure if I had the nerve to upload something so controversial.
Anyway, hopefully this chapter was enjoyable and people like the discussion between Tabitha and Rogue. A sort of "truce", not so much a "I'm sorry/I forgive you" directly, but more of a mutual understanding. Don't know if that makes sense, it's 6am and I've barely slept because of restless leg syndrome, I may be rambling through exhaustion, who knows. Anyway, not sure when the rest of the story is coming, got a lot of editing to do. Might be another part this morning, we shall see. I may just lay in bed and play "Destiny" instead, lol.
As always, thanks for the reviews and comments, I always appreciate the thought and time it takes when you all say a few words. I can't believe so many of you have stuck around THIS long, lol. How did I deserve that?! Love you all :)