BENEATH THE SURFACE
Part Forty-Seven
Rogue couldn't get over how much of a change she saw in Remy. The haunted look had gone from his eyes, the strange shiftiness that had always stuck with him through most of the time she'd known him wasn't there any more.
He'd lost some of his smugness too, however, but it was hard to say if that was just the shock of seeing his son for the first time. Of learning of this uncertain future.
Rogue gazed across the diner table at him, she sat holding the baby in one arm, waiting as the bottle of her expressed milk (that stupid breast pump she was certain had been invented by a sadist) to heat in a jug of warm water she'd had the waitress bring. Remy was in a strange quiet mood, his eyes barely leaving Junior.
He'd been that way since the moment she'd opened the door to the van and let him see for the first time. Even in the van on the way to the diner, he kept twisting himself around in the passengers seat, looking around to see if the baby was still there, almost as if he were paranoid he'd disappear miraculously through some strange abduction.
He couldn't stop looking. Rogue wasn't sure if it was a good sign or bad.
It was hard not to feel encouraged by finding him singing quietly to the baby as she'd hastily returned from the rest room. She'd been almost afraid to leave Remy with him (not that she'd mistrusted her husband, but he was so inexperienced, she wasn't sure if he was able to handle a child and she'd been almost certain Junior was going to start crying the moment she left him, as he always tended to). It had surprised her to find Remy singing to the baby, to see Remy holding him almost naturally to his chest, the rocking motion so right, the soft tone of his voice (although he was ridiculously off-key and no singer). She hadn't expected it, nor had she expected the colour of Remy's face to go so red when he realised she'd heard him singing to their son.
He's still in shock, Ah see it in him, Rogue thought as she picked up her coffee cup and took a sip.
"Be careful..." he said to her, glancing up at her almost in horror at her. She wasn't sure what it was she'd done.
"Huh?"
"Y' migh' burn him..." Remy gestured, his eyes wide, his expression almost hurt.
"Ah'm bein' careful..." she gave a strange nervous laugh, "this isn't easy, Remy...you've never had to try and drink coffee and eat a meal with a baby in your lap..."
"Y' call that a meal?" he snorted, glancing down at her salad. She had to agree, it was pitiful in comparison to his own meal.
"In case you haven't noticed...Ah have some major baby weight..." she said unhappily. The baby weight was an issue; it hadn't been an issue until about month six when suddenly she'd started ballooning, ass, breasts and stomach stretching and swelling, even her face filling out, flab appearing where flab had never appeared before. Now that she'd given birth, the flab seemed to be clinging to her, and it was going to take work to rid herself of it.
"Y' look fine..." he said.
"Ah'm huge, Remy," she admitted, "Ah can't fit into any of my clothes."
"Y' beautiful," he said, although his eyes were back on Junior again. Remy had barely touched his food; his fork was still poised over the bacon and eggs he'd chosen as his meal. There was a side of French fries he hadn't even touched.
"Ah feel like a cow," she muttered. "It's so hard, you know..."
"What is?"
"It's like...boredom, you know? Ah was home all the damn time. Ah had to stop goin' to school 'cause Ah couldn't handle the rumours and gossip and the insults. Home all the time, nothin' to do but raid the damn fridge.
She supposed it had a lot to do with unhappiness. She'd never thought she'd identify with Tabitha so much, even right then she thought of it, how Tabitha had eaten so much and gained so much weight, how easily those pounds had stacked on in similar circumstances. Rogue had begun to realise that what she called baby weight was really stress-eating. Every time she'd been unhappy and thinking about things, she'd seem to find herself at that damn fridge, at a cupboard, or driving to the nearest store for supplies to binge. It made her feel quite like an idiot even now thinking of how she'd made comments about Tabitha's weight, thought of it as greed and laziness. She hadn't understood at the time but now she most definitely did and she realised it was just one more of those things she was going to have to admit about being wrong about to the girl.
"So..." she sniffed, wanting to drop the subject for the moment, feeling slightly sensitive about it. Despite the baby had been born, she still felt oddly hormonal at times and thinking of her weight and stretched body this past two weeks was just one of those issues that made her feel a little tearful, "how's...things...?"
He straightened a little, "Hmm?"
"Things...with your therapy and...stuff."
"I'm fine...there's...there's a lot of stuff, y' know?" He asked, "a lot I had t' talk over...and we're gon' talk about it, I promise..." he raised his eyes to her briefly, "I jus'...I don' wan' him t' hear..." he nodded to the baby.
"He's...a baby..." Rogue smiled at Remy vaguely.
"Yeah but...still..."
"He doesn't understand, Remy...Ah promise."
"Y' sure?"
"Ah'm sure."
Remy looked away from both of them, his expression hurt, "I...did some bad things an'...I guess it...made me crazy...some of it they said I repressed..."
"Like what?"
"I tried t' kill Jean-Luc...or...at leas' that's the way I saw it in my head...it wasn't intentional or premeditated or anythin' but...I guess I jus'...warped it a lil'," Remy admitted uneasily, he frowned down at his plate.
"How do you mean?" she helped herself to one of his fries. She had to mentally chide herself about it too; dieting wasn't likely to work if she gorged on fries as she had a tendency to do.
"Remember the night y' walked in and I was standin' there...Jean-Luc was out col'..."
"Yeah," she nodded, chewing the fries, already thinking about stealing a few more.
"I'd been standin' there longer. I didn' remember standin' watchin' him chokin'...he tried t' get me t' help...he reached f' me..." Remy ran his hand anxiously through his hair, "I...gave him the bottles that he drank 'fore he puked...they was from duty free. I was responsible f' it..."
Her stomach churned at the memory of that moment she'd walked in. It'd been horrible, the smell still lingered in her memory even ten months later.
"I didn' remember standin' there and watchin' him reach f' me...I didn' remember wishin' the bastard was gon' die...hopin' he was gon'. I guess I was jus' so fucked up an'...it caused part o' me t'...t' break away from me I guess...like a split personality almos'."
Rogue checked the milk, it wasn't warm enough yet, she put it down into the warm water again. She ate a couple more of the fries while waiting, sighing inwardly about another day of diet failure. She chided herself to stop thinking of food and pay attention to Remy, she'd missed him for months, this was stupid.
"This...part o' me, this...this split personality...it took Jean-Luc's form. Believed it was a ghos'. His Ghost..." Remy watched her eating from his fries, "Y'...sure y' don' want these?"
"No...Ah-"
"Look, y' obviously starvin'," he pushed the bowl of fries towards her, "y' losin' all focus an' y' look a lil' crazed like a coyote that ain' eaten f' a week or so," he smirked a little, "Jus' eat."
"Sorry," she said, "please...tell me," she ate a few more of the fries, focusing on him as she chewed.
"Anyway, this ghos' thing spoke about things that I felt guilty about or thought...all the bad shit I wasn' dealin' wit'...all my fears an'...stuff I was insecure 'bout. Therapists said I was so guilty about what happened in his final days, nearly lettin' him die an' hopin' he woul' that I unconsciously gave the hallucination o' him a personality...kin' o' gave him life in my head almos'...somehow even imagined it sayin' the things I knew he'd say, even things I'd...I'd never think about you or anyone else," Remy licked his lips, "he'd call y' a whore...an'...an' he'd try t' influence me t' do things t' y'...t' hurt y'...t' force y' int' things..."
Rogue blinked, "what things?" she had a few fries poised near her lips, but she wasn't eating now.
"He said I shoul' take y' from behin'...that night in the cave...when I accuse y' o' bein' wit' other guys...that were him speakin'...his influence, and when I push y' agains' the wall, it were his influence too...it were so strong that night and it was so hard t' fight...I was so scared I was gon' do somethin' stupid...scared that I woul'...I don' know..." Remy trembled as he sighed, "I know the ghos' wanted me t' rape y'..." he said, looking so guilty at the admission.
"Even if you had...my powers would have gotten the better of you," Rogue admitted uncomfortably, silently thanking the stars that Remy had found the strength to resist the urge to hurt her. Suddenly she couldn't eat any more of the fries.
"I fought it 'cause I never wanted t' hurt anyone, leas' of all you. I thought it was Jean-Luc's ghos' tryin' t' influence me an' attackin' me, but it was me doin' it t' myself. The night y' walk in and I cut myself...y' was right...I did that t' myself...I didn' know I did it...I thought it were him...the scissors I was holdin'...I was tryin' t' attack him..."
Rogue licked her lips, "Ah had a feelin' you were pullin' your own hair out too...and bruisin' yourself..." she commented quietly.
"I was...I guess, I jus' didn' know. Some o' the bruises were probably from the danger room but...he threw me aroun' – I guess I threw myself aroun' an' I got a few marks."
"What about those bruises all over you that mornin'...the ones you said were Logan?" Rogue asked quietly, "was that the hallucination?"
Remy shook his head, "that was Logan. Didn' they ever tell y' abou' the cough syrup?"
"No..." Rogue frowned a little. Cough syrup? What the hell did that have to do with anything? "There was a lot they didn't tell me...out of respect for you, Ah guess."
"Well..." Remy swallowed hard, his expression full of guilt, "remember I get that cough, y' give me the syrup? It were aroun' the type the ghos' were startin' t' get more frequent...stronger an' louder. The syrup seemed t' quieten him a lil'...make him tolerable. So I started takin' it all the time...stealin' it from the sick bay. Logan and Hank cottoned on an' that's when the drug tests came out."
Rogue blinked, "Ah never knew..." she shook her head at herself. How could she have not seen that happening? Not have even smelt it? Not suspected it?
God, Ah was so damn blind, she realised. Or so determined to not see what was goin' on 'cause Ah didn't want to believe he was so hurt...
"No one knew...I was eatin' cherry cough drops and candies all the time t' hide the smell. They smelled exactly like that syrup, it took Logan a good while t' even pick up on it. Weren' until Hank was doin' inventory he foun' that the cough syrup had been switched wit' replacement bottles I'd put there. I thought I was clever t' replace them, never guessed he'd been scannin' them and knew all the barcodes an' shit. Anyway, that's why everyone got those drug tests."
Rogue laughed a little at the irony of that, Remy raised an eyebrow.
"What?" he asked.
"The drug tests...Ah would have gone for a good while without realisin' Ah was pregnant...If it weren't for those drug tests, Professor Xavier wouldn't have found out...and told me," she shook her head. She paused and thought some more about that time. Ironic that it had been Remy that had brought the pregnancy to attention without even realising it. "Ah guess now it makes sense why you were so dopey and tired all the time at school. Ah thought you were just overworked..."
"After Hank an' the Professor foun' out I asked t' be sedated 'cause it helped keep the hallucinations away. But a few times I didn' get a dose an' bad things happened..."
"The night we were at the party..." Rogue realised.
"Yeah..." he nodded, "I was so preoccupied...I didn' get t' the Professor t' ask f' a dose an' at the party I started seein' things...it's why I wan' leave early...then I saw the hallucinations in the parkin' lot...I panicked..."
"Was it you who scratched up the van?"
"Yeah," he admitted, his expression sheepish, "sorry..."
"It's good as new," Rogue assured.
"It seemed t' be gettin' better f' a few days...it wasn' as strong sometimes...an' then out o' nowhere somethin' extreme woul' happen wit' out warnin'."
"What happened on the night that...everythin' went apeshit?" she asked, not wanting to refer to it as the night he had stabbed her.
"I was los' in a dream. Remember how we was talkin' about how we'd have a real weddin' wit' our friends there. I dreamed it...an' then everythin' jus' changed in the dream...I thought he'd hurt y'...I saw y' dead an' bloody an' I los' my mind...he was there an I knew he'd been responsible an' I jus wen' f' him an'...I didn' wake up until the shard o' glass was deep in y'...I don' even know how that happened really...everythin' jus' was like that when I came out o' it."
"Your iPhone flew clear across the room," Rogue answered, thinking back to that moment unhappily. It had been so frightening, it had happened so quickly, hardly any time to grasp what was happening until she was on the floor with a shard of glass in her. "Ah woke up to your screamin'...Ah tried to wake you up...and the phone just...Ah mean it flew, shot across the room like a bullet and hit the mirror...and then you were up and you were movin' like you were awake and you were talkin' but...it wasn' you...you looked like you weren't there behind your eyes..."
"I wasn'..." he swallowed, "I was los' in the dream...I was deep asleep...I swear t' y'," he blinked more tears, "I never meant t' hurt y'..."
"Ah know, sugar..." Rogue reached over and touched his arm.
"God...that night...I could have..." he shook his head and gazed down at the baby, "I coul' have killed you."
"Don't think of it like that..." Rogue pleaded, "you weren't to know..."
"I'm so sorry," he near sobbed.
"Ah'm to blame too, Remy...Ah didn't do enough to help you, Ah saw you in pain and Ah tried to let you handle it alone and...Ah didn't help you enough...Ah should have tried harder, Ah should have-"
"Y' aren' t' blame...I'm t' blame. Y' tried t' help me and I kept rejectin' it. I ignored and put up wit' it, I made excuses f' it an' I put y' and all of the others in danger...I...I put him in danger..." Remy bit down on his lip, gazing at the baby in absolute devastation.
"You didn't even know..."
"If I had known..." Remy swallowed hard, "it might have been worse...the Jean-Luc side o' me...it might have...might have done somethin'...might have influenced me t' do somethin'...if I had known he may have-"
"Don't try to guess what could have happened," Rogue stopped him, "It's over now..." she picked up the milk bottle again and felt it, she shook a little onto her bare wrist. "Besides...if you hadn't stabbed me...well...the baby wouldn't here now. Things happened the way Ah guess they were meant to happen..."
"Y' think that?" he asked.
"Ah know that. And you...you're better now, right?"
"I haven' had a hallucination since mid-December..." Remy promised, finding himself thinking of how strange it was that an incident, an accident on his part had given the baby a second chance to survive. "An' the bad dreams stopped jus' after Christmas..."
"That reminds me," Rogue gazed over at him, "Ah still have your Christmas present. And before you ask, no, it's not a Harley."
Remy gave a sigh, "I guess a Harley wouldn' be a good idea in the long run."
"Not with your accident prone ass," Rogue smirked.
"I mean y' can't fit a baby car seat t' a Harley," he responded.
She gazed over at him softly. Did that mean he was staying? Did that mean he was accepting things the way they were? What about what he'd said about never wanting to be a father? What about his fears? She wanted to ask him but he was looking at his son again, eyes dewy and lost, he was strangely distant and it wasn't in the ways he'd been last year. This was a different distance, miles away in a strange world of thought. What was he thinking?
"Is somethin' wrong?" she asked, she put the elasticated bib on the baby awkwardly, she hated these things and hated doing it, she was always so afraid of hurting his fragile neck and head.
"Is he gon' be like us?" Remy asked in a quiet voice.
Rogue gave a sigh, "he's definitely got the x-gene. When he was born, the Professor and Hank did all the checks. They reckon that if he didn't have the x-gene, he probably wouldn't be immune to me like he is...and Ah wouldn't be able to touch him..."
Remy looked at her, "he won' have my eyes though...will he?"
"Professor Xavier thinks you were probably born with your eyes..." Rogue confessed, "Juniors eyes are as a baby's should be...everythin' about him is as it should be...except for his mutant ability to stink a room out in two seconds flat...that is definitely not normal. Ah have to put a scarf around my face to change him...it's pretty vile."
"Can't be that bad."
"Yeah...just wait until he needs changed...we'll see how sure you are then," Rogue smirked a little, she examined the look on his face, he was still watching the baby, leaning on the table, food still remaining barely touched. It was as if some kind of spell had been cast on him and he couldn't look away. "Would...you like to feed him?" she asked.
"Me?" he asked, sounding almost surprised, "I don' know how."
"It ain't rocket science," Rogue stood slowly and leaned across the table with him, "here...make sure and support his head..."
"What if I choke him?" Remy asked, sounding afraid. Rogue was almost amused by the sudden paranoia about the baby. It reminded her of the first few days of being a mother, when she'd been so afraid of even picking him up.
"You won't choke him," Rogue said, she positioned his arm right and handed him the bottle, "don't tip it up too far...it might take a few attempts, he doesn't use the bottle much..."
"He doesn'?" Remy asked, gazing across at her.
Rogue felt her cheeks flush a little, "bottle is for when we're out...Ah...Ah don't like the whole public breastfeedin' thing...it's a little...you know...weird for me."
Remy seemed slightly perturbed about the idea, she supposed everything was going to be jarring right now. Hours ago he hadn't know anything about the baby, and now everything had changed.
"This...this is yours?" he asked, holding the bottle up. The thought of that seemed to shock him more than the idea of breastfeeding at all.
Rogue gave a nod, "hundred percent..."
"Shoul' you even be drinkin' coffee if y' feedin' him from y'self?" he asked carefully. He seemed to be almost uncomfortable with the idea of saying it, although usually he was never shy of saying things exactly how they were. "I mean...doesn' that transfer int' the milk or somethin'?"
"Ah can have one cup a day...Ah've mostly stuck to decaf since Ah decided to go through with the pregnancy. Normally Ah wouldn't even risk the one cup 'cause Hank said the caffeine can make the baby hard to put down at night and it's the last thing Ah need, but it's been a long drive and Ah feel real drained."
"If y' like I coul' drive on the way home," he offered.
"It's a nice offer, sugar, but haven't been behind the wheel of a car in six months...Ah think it's best if Ah just have the coffee and drive. It should be all right..." she smiled a little. The worry was almost reassuring. She hadn't expected his worry. To see Remy worrying about these things was almost amusing more than it was annoying.
Remy gazed at the bottle, "does it hurt?"
"Breastfeedin'?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"At first...Ah'm sure you don't really want to hear about the pain and the complications, it's not fun."
"Y' can talk t' me abou' anythin'," he said, "I shoul' probably know some of this stuff, right? T' understand better..."
"It's...just not a pleasant experience, Ah mean they say it's the best way for bondin' and for boostin' the baby's immune system," she hugged her chest a little uncomfortably, "it hasn't stopped hurtin' yet..." she gazed at the bottle, "you better give it to him...or he's going to get really mad...he'll be hungry...and it's already past his feedin' time."
She watched as Remy persevered with trying to get the baby to accept the bottle, she suppressed a smile at Remy's frustration and slight look of rejection that at first the baby kept refusing it. She sat eating her salad (trying to avoid looking at the French fries she really wanted), wondering what was going on through his mind. Was this all an act? By the time they got to the mansion, would he be packing the last of his belongings and making a run for the hills? Was he only putting up with this for this moment in time because he needed a ride home? Because he hadn't made up his mind yet?
Ah wouldn't blame him, she thought. She'd been preparing herself for that reality for months, the thought of it still devastated her but she'd made peace with the idea. She couldn't let herself fall to pieces over this if it came to it...she had Junior to worry about, she couldn't allow herself to fall apart if her husband left...she had priorities now. She was a mother, and a mother had to think of her child first.
"He's takin' it..." Remy said, sounding almost excited and surprised. His eyes seemed to almost dance with the joy of it in a way she hadn't quite expected. Perhaps it was just novelty, as it was with the others back home. She couldn't be sure yet. The cautious part of her said steel herself in case.
Rogue lifted her coffee to her lips and took a sip, "the Professor says you can join the team soon...probationary, of course. But you have to go through retraining – not that it looks like you're going to need a lot of training," she commented, eyeing up his body, which seemed slightly broader and more well-built than she remembered. She envied that he looked fantastic despite his scraggy haircut and unshaven face while she looked like an unwashed slob who smelled of baby vomit from that morning.
"I did a lil' trainin' at the recovery centre...helped burn away the afternoons," Remy admitted.
"Anyway...as Ah was sayin'...you're welcome to the team...after re-learnin' the ropes. Course...That's if you want to return...Ah won't blame you if you don't..."
"Really?" he asked, not even taking his eyes from Junior. "What about you? You off the team now?"
"Ah'm on hiatus from the team right now...my powers are weak...Ah'm out of shape...and Ah can't risk injury right now...not with Junior to look after. When he's a little older, Ah'm gonna train and do a few courses so Ah can train the recruits..."
"What about school?" Remy asked.
"Ah graduate next month..."
"I guess I won' be," Remy supposed, a wry smile on his face.
"Ah guess you won't want to go back..."
Remy paused, "I don' think I coul' go back there...but...maybe I coul'...I don' know...do a home school thing wit' Hank if he has the time..."
Rogue blinked, "really? You'd do that?"
"I got t' think about the future..." he seemed to realise, "got t' know some things...got t' have some learnin'...what happens when...I dunno...he's older an' needs help wit' homework...?" he nodded towards their son with a worried expression knitting on his face.
She gave a laugh at the thought he was thinking that much ahead. "Then point him in Hank's direction."
"But shouldn' it be my job t' help him?" Remy asked, expression even more twisted with worry.
Rogue tilted her head, cup poised in her hands, "do...you want it to be?"
Remy gazed down at his son, "two hours ago I didn' even know what I wanted past the idea o' goin' home t' you..."
"And now?" she asked carefully.
"I still don' know..." he answered honestly, he gave a sigh.
Rogue put the cup down slowly, "it's okay to be confused...Ah already made peace with it months ago, Remy..." she admitted painfully.
"Made peace with what?" he asked, frowning a little.
"What you said in the car that night...about never wantin' to be a father..." Rogue admitted. "Ah've been preparin' myself for the moment you'd leave us both..."
Remy looked strangely hurt at that accusation, she hadn't expected that.
"Ah don't expect you to be responsible for this...Ah know it takes two to make a baby, Remy, but you already told me how you felt about it...it was my choice to go ahead with this, and Ah did it without your go ahead...Ah don't have the right to complain if you want to walk away...and Ah know that..."
He was silent, listening to her.
"Ah know you're scared you'll hurt him...that you'll turn into Jean-Luc some day and do somethin' terrible. Ah know that isn't you, Ah know you don't have that in you..."
"Even though I stabbed y'?" he asked uneasily, his voice thick.
"You were ill, Remy...you can't be blamed for bein' ill..."
"How can y' even trust me t' hol' him?" Remy asked, "he's so fragile, chere...so incredibly delicate...and after all I've done..."
"Ah know you don't have that in you..." Rogue stated calmly, "Ah know Ah must sound like one of those women...the ones who take up with those violent guys and try to excuse their behaviour...try to condone it and think they can change them...but Ah don't need to change you...because Ah know what happened wasn't your fault. You were ill, Remy...you had a breakdown because you had a shitty upbringin' and had been hurt for years..."
"What if there were a risk that somethin' might happen again?" he asked worriedly. "I ain' hallucinatin' now...but what if it came back?"
"Do you think it will?" she asked; she'd been reluctant to think it but there were always possibilities.
"I don' know..." he swallowed, he tipped the bottle a little more for the baby, watching so carefully. "I jus'...don' know. I can't predict the future..."
Rogue drew a breath, not sure how to respond.
"If y' take that risk...an' somethin' happened, I coul' never f' give myself..." he admitted. "If I hurt him..."
"But you won't," she said. "Ah know that."
"I thought I'd never hurt you..." he raised his eyes and frowned at her, "and there was a foot long shard o' glass stickin' out o' y'...wit' my hand attached t' it..."
"So what are you sayin'? Are you sayin' you aren't comin' back?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Just because she'd prepared for it didn't mean she'd necessarily still not hurt.
"I'm jus'...sayin'...what if...y' know?" he asked. "I mean...how is it gon' work."
"What if the hallucinations did come back...and Jean-Luc...or the ghost...whatever it was you saw...did come back. What then?"
He frowned a little.
"Would you tell me?" she asked carefully.
He seemed almost certain when he answered, "yes."
"And then?"
"I...guess I'd check myself back int' where I jus' been f' the last six months..." he confessed, "I...I can't bear the thought o' hurtin' him...or you...not again," his eyes gleamed with the threat of tears. "I know the bes' thing f' me t' do right now...the safes' thing I coul' do t' protect y' and the baby..." he swallowed hard, his voice was growing thick, "woul' be t' walk away an' stay away from y'. I coul' write t' y'...y' coul' correspond...sen' me photos o' him growin' up...I coul' sen' y' money t' help bring him up...make sure he has everythin' he coul' ever want..." Remy explained, looking thoughtful, "it'd be the bes' way I know t' keep y' both safe..."
Rogue nodded, understanding; she'd always suspected he'd take that attitude right from the start.
"Same time..." he sighed, "I look at him an'..." he took a deep breath and when he exhaled it came out in staggered gasps, "the thought o' walkin' away...it cut me like a rusty ol' serrated blade...can' feel it draggin' through me, chere..." his eyes brimmed, the tears escaped and slipped down his cheeks, one falling on the bottle, the other falling on the baby's perfect nose, not that Junior seemed to care much. "I fell in love wit' you, chere..." he admitted, turning his attention to her for a moment, he sniffed a little, "deep and hard and irrevocably...secon' I saw y' walk down the aisle at our weddin'...I knew I was in love..."
Rogue licked her lips, listening, her heart slammed hard in her chest.
"An' then I looked at him..." Remy dropped his eyes again, "this...tiny lil' thing...an'...it were like fallin' in love all over again...love at firs' sight..." he admitted softly. "I can't not look at him...like when y' see the glimmer o' a priceless diamond an' y' can't take y' eyes away 'cause it's so mesmerisin'...coul' spend f' ever lookin' at it 'cause it's so beautiful an' dazzlin'..." he breathed. "I can't tear my eyes away from him...An' the thought o' walkin' away...of bein' apart from him...this...this baby up t' two hours ago I didn't even know existed..."
Rogue nodded, listening closely, heart breaking and swelling all at the same time.
Remy blinked away his tears, "God I soun' so...stupid right now...so...so unlike me..."
"No...you don't," she shook her head, "You're sayin' everythin' that Ah've been hopin' you'd say since the day Ah found out Ah was still pregnant. Everythin' Ah've dreamed you'd say..."
He smiled a little, his cheeks seemed to flush, "Y' have unrealistic and sappy dreams."
"Not so unrealistic," she pointed out, "So...what do you want to do now?"
"Take it one day at a time...I guess," he answered, "I'm gon' keep up wit' the therapy...I'll fin' support groups an' read the self-help books an' I'll take the medication...an' I'll do whatever's necessary if that's what it takes...if I start t' see things, I'm gon' have t' tell y' immediately...if I start t' have thoughts or...feelin's...I'm gon' have t' be hones' and not keep things from y'..." he explained, "But it's gon' take sacrifices on your end too...'cause you gon' have t' be vigilant..."
"Vigilant?" she asked.
"Y' gon' have t' make sure y' never leave me alone wit' him..." Remy stated, "never turn y' attention from me..."
"Remy, you won't-" she tried to intervene. What was he suggesting? That he was capable of something terrible? No, she couldn't believe that.
"Chere..." he said sternly, "y' have t' do this...y' can't leave it up t' chance...y' have t' be that way f' however long it takes f' us t' know f' certain that what happened t' me woul' never happen again..."
"It sounds like...you want me to not trust you," Rogue admitted uneasily.
He nodded, "that's exactly it. Y' can't...not after this...not wit' him..." he nodded down in the direction of the baby. "I didn' wan' t' be a father..." he breathed, "but then I saw him an' held him an'...things changed..."
Rogue felt tears blurring her vision, "so...you'll stay?"
"Long as y' promise when it comes t' him..." Remy chewed his lip, "when it comes t' my son y' will do anythin' necessary t' be sure that I don' hurt him...regardless o' how much y' love me or...or don' wan' hurt me. Y' lock me away...even if I scream and beg f' y' not t'...and if it comes down t' it...an' there's no choice about it...don' ever hesitate t' take a knife or a gun and use it...an' aim true if that's what it takes..."
"You're sayin' that if it comes down to it...if you're going to hurt him...Ah should..." she swallowed hard, unable to finish the sentence.
"If it came to it...you take whatever measures necessary wit' my blessin'. If y' can't make that sacrifice...then I can't stay..."
"Ah already made a promise to him the day he was born that Ah'd do anythin' to protect him," Rogue confessed softly after taking a moment to think of this request. "Ah'll make that promise to you too, Remy. Because Ah know there's never gonna come a day when you'll be that person...you aren't your father...you're you."
Remy sniffled, he used his sleeve to swipe away his tear awkwardly as he still held the bottle for Junior.
"You're a hundred times stronger and a thousand times more noble. And above all...Ah know you want to be everythin' he never was to you..." she leaned across the table and stroked Junior's head. Every time she touched him with her bare fingers, her heart ached and swelled with love, how could she feel such joy and pain at the same time? How could she love anything so much it hurt? She'd never thought she could love any one more than her husband, more than life itself. Jean-Luc had probably never felt that for his own biological son let alone Remy. "Jean-Luc was never a father, Remy, not to you...you're not going to turn into him. You're not going to repeat his mistakes, you're going to learn from them and avoid them. You're going to take every vicious thing he said or did...every time he hurt you or touched you and you're going to turn it into pure love for Remy..." she grabbed Remy's arm and gently squeezed, "every time you think of somethin' that bastard did to you, you're going to think of how that is never going to happen to your son..."
Remy gave a slow careful nod, he exhaled another shaky breath. "I jus'...don' know if I'm gon' be a good parent...I don' know much 'bout bein' one..."
"You think Ah do?" she gave a laugh, "Neither of us grew up knowin' a real parent, Remy. We didn't have the right upbringin' to know what's right and wrong when it comes to bein' parents...Ah know we're going to screw some stuff up. We'll probably drop him a few times...god knows, Ah almost dropped him this mornin' gettin' him ready..." she laughed nervously, although she didn't really find it funny. "We might accidentally bump his head or let him get a cold from not dressin' him warm enough or...or make him sick from too throwin' him in the air too much when he's older...we might panic if he gets the chicken pox or a fever...we might put the diapers on too tight or...forget to change it soon enough and give him a rash..." she explained. "It doesn't mean we won't be good parents..."
"We're so young..." Remy stated. "Barely adults ourselves."
"Ah know," she sighed, "it's...not ideal, Ah get that...part of me for months wondered if Ah'd made a mistake not abortin' the pregnancy...that Ah might be screwin' up my chances for a better life...screwin' it up for both of us. But then Ah'd think of how he survived that stabbin'...how he was a fighter. He shouldn't have survived it, Remy, even with Logan's powers...it shouldn't have been possible..."
Remy stared at her, she felt his intense gaze study her.
"Do you know the odds of him even bein' conceived...?" she asked.
He gave a slight shrug, he removed the bottle from the baby's mouth for a moment, the baby spat up a little of the milk and he put the bottle down and mopped it up with the little bib.
"Ah worked it out...We conceived the second time we had sex, Remy..." Rogue admitted, "with a condom there's something like two percent chance of gettin' pregnant. Two percent...on the second time we're together. Ah know it wasn't the first because..." she trailed off.
"I never came..." he realised, he gave a deep sigh.
"Ninety eight to ninety-nine percent effective they say the condoms are to stop pregnancy...and the second time...which was the first time we really went all the way..." Rogue pointed out. "And then Ah take that pill...the abortion pill..." she frowned, "it was supposed to start breakin' down the linin' o' the uterus so the pregnancy couldn't continue...Ah took it over fourteen hours before you even stabbed me so it'd already taken effect..." Rogue explained, "And then the stabbin'...Hank was so convinced that the baby didn't survive. He even used an ultrasound and couldn't see the baby...and tried to detect a heartbeat and couldn't find one...Ah was supposed to miscarry...and...it didn't happen. We waited and...Ah bled out a little at first..." she swallowed hard, "but then Ah was healed with Logan's powers and...the mornin' sickness kept comin' back. Ah took a pregnancy test a week after you'd gone and...it said Ah was still pregnant..." she reached over and took the baby from him, she was certain he wasn't going to be too familiar with the burping process.
Remy watched her all the while, she felt him observing and picking things up, trying to comprehend everything that babies needed. Trying to catch up to her.
"Ah lay up in bed at night thinkin' of what the chances the baby still made it through...how the pregnancy repaired itself! It was incredible odds. And Ah considered what my options were and...it struck me that if all that had happened, and the baby survived it...maybe Ah wasn't supposed to lose it or get rid of it...that he was clingin' on for life because like you he's a fighter..."
"Y' think it was meant t' be...?"
"Ah don't know if Ah believe or trust fate but...it just felt like the universe was tryin' to make sure Ah had him. Jesus...Ah had regret takin' that pill, Remy. Ah felt so bad, and...it wasn't until Ah thought the baby was gone Ah realised that Ah did want it in some ways Ah hadn't really considered because Ah was too busy thinkin' about what was best. After Ah found out Ah was still pregnant, Ah talked it over with the Professor, Logan and Hank...and they were supportive."
"I never f' one second thought they'd be anythin' else," Remy confessed.
"There were some pretty intense weeks of mornin' sickness, and weird food aversions...swollen ankles...Ah was over four months pregnant before Ah came clean...Tabitha was the only one who knew."
"Tabitha..." Remy said, he frowned, "she...she was pregnant too...I asked her and she owned up..."
Rogue shook her head, "She lied...she knew Ah was pregnant. She told me you overheard the Professor and Hank talkin'...they were talkin' about me and she realised it the moment you told her you thought she was the one they were talkin' about..." she explained. "She didn't disagree with your assumption because she knew you wouldn't be able to handle it at that point. She was even gonna tell you she'd aborted the baby to cover up for me because she knew Ah had planned to...because she didn't want to see you hurt any more than Ah did..."
Remy snorted, "that's what I thought she needed the money f'...f' that...she was doin' stuff t' guys at school f' money...I thought it were f' an abortion."
Rogue considered for a moment whether to tell him the truth about Tabitha's abortion that had happened months before any of their own woes. She supposed it was unfair to tell him...it was Tabitha's own secret to share. Now, more than anything, she understood the importancy of a secret, and whom it was shared with. She wasn't going to betray Tabitha with this.
"She...had debts. You know she borrows money a lot, never pays it back. Everyone was on her back, she was gettin' sick of it, Ah guess she didn't want to go ask the Professor for a raise on her allowance...Ah guess she was willin' to just let you think that it was an abortion," Rogue lied.
"Oh," Remy said, looking a little bewildered. "I just...I never asked her if it was that."
"She'd have never said," Rogue shrugged, "anyway, Ah used some of that money you put into my account and paid off the debt, Ah gave her a cheque for a few thousand to use for whatever she wanted..."
Remy smiled a little, "Y' did that?"
"It was the least Ah could do...after all the deceit and bad things Ah said," Rogue swallowed.
"Was she insulted that y' did that?" Remy asked, seeming a little worried.
"A little..." Rogue swallowed hard, she sat the baby upon her lap and propped his chin in her open hand, tilting him forward and patting his back.
"What the hell y' doin'?" he blinked.
"Ah have to burp him, Remy...or he'll be in pain..." she explained.
Remy sighed, "see...I didn' know that..." he seemed almost disheartened.
"It's okay," she nodded, "anyway..." she continued, "she was a little upset at first but Ah told her it was to make up for everythin'. That it wasn't charity, it was a gift, it was a gift to say how sorry Ah was for everythin' we'd put her through...it was for everythin' she'd been put through herself...Ah would have given her everythin' if Ah hadn't been pregnant and needed some of that money for the baby and for a few other things..."
He leaned on the table, listening closely, his expression deep and concentrated.
"Ah told her to take the money and use it to get herself out of any debt she had with the others. After that mess she...she pulled herself together, Remy. And Ah mean really together, she lost all the weight, and she looks better than she ever did. And she's on the team now. They needed someone to replace me and...she fit the bill, and she's been incredible, Logan said she really upped her game. And she's been with me every step of the way helpin' me out, helped me do laundry and clean my room when Ah got so big and found it awkward...she's been great. Oh...and her and Kurt have been...gettin' closer."
"It's nice t' hear."
"Ah asked her why she'd avoided bein' with Kurt when he liked her so much and she knew about it..."
"What she say?"
"She said it was 'cause she didn't feel good enough for him...because of her reputation and her problems and stuff," Rogue explained, she rubbed Junior's back gently, a tiny burp escaped.
Remy gave a strange laugh at the sound. "Guess I was adequate enough."
"Yup," Rogue joked, "Actually...it was more because you two were more alike...she felt...closer to you, Ah guess. But Kurt and her had really nothin' in common, and she liked him but always figured she'd just...be such a bad influence on his life. She said he's so smart and funny and he had a real bright future...and she just even saw herself as a bit of a flake and a bad influence so she kept away."
"Pity, 'cause always got the feelin' it woul' work out fine," Remy admitted.
"Ah guess now that she's pullin' herself together and she's stopped all the crazy stuff that gave her a bad reputation, she...doesn't feel like she'd be bad for him now...Ah mean, they're not together yet but...Ah know it's gonna happen...the looks she gives him, the way she hangs around him..."
"No obvious flirtin', then?"
"No...she's not like that any more...she's really gotten herself together, Remy. Ah know it'd sound condescendin' to say Ah'm proud of her..."
Remy smiled a little, "me too...I worried about her a lot...I know y' don' like it when I talk about her or even think about her...but I swear there was never anythin' between us."
"She told me," Rogue assured.
"So...what happened when y' had t' tell everyone the truth about us? How' y' come out wit' y' pregnancy?"
"Everyone started noticin' Ah was bein' sick a lot...it was gettin' harder to hide. Ah suffered throughout nearly the entire damn pregnancy with mornin' sickness. It was dreadful. Ah mean, now Ah have him, Ah don't regret it but god, if Ah could change one thing...it'd be that. Ah started to show in mid-December, and then it was just too hard to hide; Ah couldn't attend any trainin' and people were askin' questions by the second week in November."
"What y' tell 'em?"
"Hank noticed my ankles were just perpetually swollen so we made up this really stupid lie that Ah'd tripped and hurt both my ankles...no one even argued at first 'cause it sounded authentic. But then in December, Ah got bigger. A lot bigger. Ah told them just before Christmas, before most of them left for vacation."
"How'd they take it?"
"Shocked, mostly. Ah told them was pregnant, that Ah was goin' to have the baby...and that it was yours. There was a lot of silence, you know? And a lot of 'what the fucks'. Ah told them that we'd been married since the Summer..."
"Y' tell them it was a marriage o' convenience?" Remy asked curiously.
"Ah told them we had a whirlwind romance in Las Vegas...that it started as a fun vacation and ended in a weddin'. Kitty was upset Ah never told her...furious actually...her and Kurt didn't speak to me for almost a month."
"Why?"
"Well...Kurt felt like he should have been one of the first to know...because he always thinks of me like his sister because of my ties to Mystique. And Kitty was really mad because Ah should have been honest from the get go instead of keepin' everyone in the dark. She was really embarrassed because she'd accused me of tryin' to steal you from Tabitha. She'd been defendin' Tabitha because she felt kind of sorry for her Ah guess, and she really wanted to see you and Tabitha get together because she thought maybe you'd be good for her since you guys were so alike, she actually thought you'd make Tabitha settle down. When Ah told Kitty about me and you she was so mad that Ah let her think all the things she thought and never said anything. She said Ah really made her look like an idiot. Ah suppose Ah see her point, but at the same time, she...did kind of make a lot of assumptions. It took a long time to talk it out..."
"Everythin' is cool now?"
"It took a while to get to where we could be in the same room. They'd both just walk out, Kitty especially. Kurt was the first to warm up..."
"How y' get him t' forgive y'?" Remy picked his coffee up and took a sip, he made a face as it had apparently went quite cold.
"Ah sat next to him in the rec room one afternoon when Junior was really usin' my womb as a damn soccer field. Ah was really sore that day and a little grumpy – mood swings are terrible you know. He tried to ignore me, kept his eyes on the TV screen...then Ah just took his hand and told him to feel how hard Junior was kickin' me..."
"And jus' like that he forgave y'?" Remy asked, a strange expression crossed his face, he looked almost hurt again.
"He warmed up to it...Ah guess it's different when you feel the life there and suddenly realise how real it all is..."
"I guess..."
"Ah said to him that it'd be like he was an uncle...and Ah guess it clinched the deal. He turned to butter and...that was it. He even came to one of my scans with me."
Remy's brow furrowed, "I missed out on so much...I missed out on the kickin'...an' the scans..."
"And the mornin' sickness at all hours of the day and night, and the sore backs and leg cramps...the swollen ankles...the insane mood swings, me cryin' like a baby over accidentally droppin' an egg on the floor...Ah was seriously inconsolable – it took Hank two hours to get me to stop cryin'. Sometimes Ah cried in the middle of the night for no reason..." she confessed. Sometimes it was because Ah missed you, she thought silently, although she didn't want to guilt him about this at that moment, "And then of course you missed me...as big as a house..."
He gave a sigh, "And the birth."
Rogue chewed the inside of her cheek, "trust me, that wasn't pretty, you're better off never seein' it..."
"So there's no video or anythin'?" he sounded quite disappointed.
"No, thank god," Rogue replied, "Just a slightly blurry photo taken on Logan's phone of me holdin' the baby lookin' like a jello splattered doll..."
"Logan was there?" Remy had a strange look of jealousy in his eyes.
"Someone had to be – Ah was freakin' out...so scared. Ah really wanted you there but they wouldn't let me get in touch...so Logan stepped in...he didn't see anythin', Ah promise. He was at my shoulders the entire time."
Remy frowned.
"Ah wanted you to be there...Ah did...you were supposed to be out in time," Rogue sighed softly, the baby gave another burp, this time louder. "That's it, baby," she soothed him. "But just like you...he was impatient. When he wants somethin'...he wants it then and there and...and he wanted to be born early...Two whole weeks early..."
Remy hunched over and rubbed his neck, he seemed to be feeling quite tense, "any complications I shoul' know about?"
"The labour came on so fast. Ah'd been feelin' off all day, and he was kickin' hell of a hard...and then Ah was in the kitchen tryin' to make a sandwich and it just started, just like that. There wasn't time to get to the hospital...it's like a forty-five minute drive and he was comin' out and there was all this panic and mess and in the end Ah ended up bein' carted down to the sub-basement...and he was born there. Ah begged for them to get you...Tabitha tried to get through to the recovery centre but they wouldn't let her talk to you. In the end even if you had been told...there's no way you'd have made it in time..."
"It was that fast?" Remy asked.
"Barely minutes...and Ah mean minutes..." she kept patting and rubbing the baby's back, "Ah heard labour was supposed to take hours but it took somethin' like two minutes to get down to the basement, bein' carried like a sack of potatoes...and Ah could feel him comin' out. Five more minutes...and there he was."
Remy sighed and slumped in his seat, "an' I wasn' there."
"Sorry," Rogue pouted.
"Who deliver him? Hank?"
"Professor Xavier...he was the only one who'd had the experience of birthin' a baby..." Rogue answered. "It was real uncomplicated...and embarrassin'."
"I bet."
"Ah was so scared," Rogue's eyes watered a little, "Ah thought Junior was gonna die...the natural birth was never supposed to be part of the plan...Ah was booked in for a c-section at the hospital...it was two weeks early and there was no time to get there. Ah was so scared...so, so scared..."
"But nothin' happened."
"If anythin', he weakened me, not the other way around..." Rogue confessed, "Ah felt him against my skin and Ah didn't feel the pull of his life. Because he was premature, the Professor was worried they may need to keep him in intensive care but he was the strongest baby he'd ever seen. He's so healthy and so strong..."
"I felt him push against me when I hol' him an' he were cryin' f' y'," Remy nodded, "He's a fighter..."
"He is," Rogue gave a soft nod and gazed over to her husband, "he gets that from you, you know..."
"Not sure he's got anythin' from me," Remy gazed at him, "He's all you...I see it in him..."
"And all Ah see in him is you...your eyes starin' back at me, your mouth...your nose..."
"He ain' got my eyes," Remy lowered his own eyes to the table, "Luckily."
"Maybe not the colour..." Rogue adjusted the baby and raised him to rest against her shoulder, "but they're your eyes. It's like lookin' at you...these past few weeks of bein' with him...it's been so hard to not think of you...it's like you starin' back at me. Every day he looks a little more like you."
"Guess we got t' agree t' disagree," Remy watched her, "Y' wan' me t' hol' him so y' can finish y' food?"
"Aren't you going to eat?" she asked, gazing at his plate; he'd hardly touched any of it.
"I ain' hungry right now..." Remy looked at her, "so I coul' hol' him...less o' course y' don' want me t'..."
"Of course Ah want you to," Rogue threw him a strange look, "he's your son..."
Remy accepted the baby from her, his expression still caught in that slightly helpless twist, his eyes were so full of hurt and wonder whenever he touched the child. It was going to take him a lot of time to adjust to the idea, she realised.
"My son..." he whispered, sounding a little nervous, his voice barely a breath. "Do I got t' call him Junior?" he asked, stroking the baby's hair.
Rogue leaned against the table, smiling a little, "that's what Ah've been callin' him...you don't have to if you don't want to. You can call him Remy...or RJ like everyone else does..."
"Why y' name him after me?" he asked, "all the names out there...an' y' pick mine..."
"Ah couldn't call him anything else. Ah looked at him and saw you, second he was born it was like seein' you there. Why? What would you have named him?" Rogue asked curiously. "Probably somethin' French."
"I don' know," he watched the baby yawning again, he seemed thoughtful for a moment, "these days folks call their babies after places they was conceived..."
"So you'd call him Bayville?" Rogue asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Mattress," he jested, then sighed. "I don' know, chere. What's his middle name?"
"Never gave him one," Rogue confessed, "if you like...you could give him one...we can add one..."
"Really?" he asked softly, looking almost intrigued.
"Ah can add a name to the birth certificate."
Remy paused, "Logan," he said.
"Logan?" she blinked.
"He's been more of a father t' y' than Jean-Luc ever was t' me. Fuck, I guess He's been more of a father t' me than Jean-Luc ever was f' that matter," he supposed, "which says a lot, I guess..." he rocked the baby gently, "Logan...an' the Professor...they shoul' both be in there..."
Rogue nodded.
"Professor both gave us a lot o' chances...Logan's been there f' us a lot...especially you..."
"So Remy Charles Logan, or Remy Logan Charles?" she asked.
"I'll let you figure it out..."
"He has your last name, you know..." Rogue admitted quietly, "Ah...wasn't sure if you'd be okay with that...'cause of Jean-Luc."
Remy gave a sigh, "LeBeau name is the only thing Jean-Luc ever give me I got t' keep," he supposed. "Maybe better that way...that way I can never f' get who I am...where I came from...an' why my son never gon' feel the same way I did..."
"You're not goin' to."
End of Part Forty-Seven
I'll admit this is something of a strange chapter, but I wanted to at least write a little more and cap some stuff off instead of leaving it at just them going off into the sunset with the baby. Hopefully this clears up some stuff (but there is one last chapter to come).
The idea of adding Logan's and Xavier's name might seem corny but anyway...sometimes I get bitched at for not having "happy enough endings" so hopefully this will tickle some people maybe, I don't know.
As always thanks for the reviews and patience you've had for all the time it took me to get to the end of the story, lol. One more chapter to go...coming verrrrrrrrry soon. ;)