I was an absolute and complete idiot! I couldn't do this; I mean I really could not do this. I sat in the car practically hyperventilating while Huey drove on the highway. I couldn't tell if Huey knew I was almost at the full blown anxiety attack point, but if he did, I knew he would turn the car around. But I couldn't let him do that; it would reflect badly on his campaign and reputation if we didn't go through with this event the college had asked him to speak at.
I had used the entire week Huey had been able to give me going back and forth on my decision. I talked to him about the options, about my fears and my doubts, and Huey had expressed that he felt the same way when considering the event and bringing the event to my attention. I was praying we could get through this without even having to see the Wicked Witch, but I knew unless she had a serious case of some deadly stomach flu or water-induced melting, my prayers were going unanswered today.
I shifted in my seat, nervously straightening my baby blue wrap dress and cream winter peacoat. Though spring was finally arriving in Maryland, the weather was still chilly enough to warrant a heavy winter coat. Noticing the movement, Huey grabbed my left hand and placed a soft kiss on my diamond ring.
"It's not too late to turn around." He glanced over at me, and then looked back at the snowy road.
"It was too late to turn around when Tasha sent the confirmation message last month." I grumbled with a little whine.
"We don't have to do this, Jazmine. The beauty of you being pregnant is an ample amount of understandable excuses." I glanced at Huey wide-eyed. "I'm joking." He smirked.
"No you're not." I laughed a little, which helped relieve some of the pressure I felt in my chest and the unsettled feeling in my gut. Huey squeezed my hand firmly.
"I'm not. I told you before, if you don't want to do this, we won't do this." Huey pulled off the highway at our exit and continued towards the college.
"Huey, no offense, but I am not the first woman who was cheated on and now has to play nice, especially as a politician's wife."
"I'm betting Hilary isn't usually in a position to run into Monica Lewinsky." Huey snorted.
"Good point, but damn it I am going to do this." I sat up as straight as I could, ignoring the slight throbbing in my lower back and shifting my car pillow to give a little relief to the tender area. We drove for a little while without speaking, only the smooth jazz filling the space of the car.
"This is probably an asshole thing to say, but I'm proud of you." Huey glanced over at me while we were stopped at a red light.
"Yeah, just remember this when I ask for a foot massage and a tummy rub after getting up to use the bathroom a hundred times a night." I tossed out. Huey smiled and pulled onto the campus, looking for a parking spot near the handicapped spots so that a ramp was easily available. Huey was out of the car and opening my door before I could even slip my heels back on. He helped me out of the car, shaking his head at my choice in footwear.
"Seriously? Being 7 months pregnant, and with ice and snow still on the ground."
"Hey, if Uggs were appropriate to wear with this dress, trust me, I would be in comfy warm boots."
"I know you would." Huey shook his head with a smirk and we began our trek to the gym where the event and meet and greet were taking place.
Once we arrived in the arena-like gym, I was happy that I had convinced Huey I would be ok attending the event. Immediately, I felt an almost calm settle over Huey; he was in his element, where he felt comfortable, and where his desire to help others really had a chance to shine. It was moments and times like this that I was really proud and happy for Huey. He had always been a revolutionary-minded person, and had always advocated for others, but it was here that Huey really turned into someone whose actions aligned with their words.
Per usual, I sat back and allowed Huey to take the forefront of attention. People kindly greeted me, asking about my health and how far along I was, and little kids asked if they could rub my belly, but for the most part, I stood next to Huey and listened as he spoke to younger and older college students, professors, members of the general public, parents, and children about what he wanted to do for the people of Maryland. A few parents and college students asked me specifically about our campaign for the arts and humanities in schools, in which Huey stood beside me with his hand on my lower back. All was going really well, until it was time for Huey to address the crowd. Huey helped me up the stairs of the stage they assembled and assisted me into my seat, then walked up to the lectern and greeted everyone.
As Huey began his speech, I felt someone's eyes glaring daggers into my skin. My eyes scanned the crowd and settled on a familiar tall dark skinned woman sitting towards the back of the room. Our eyes met and she continued to glare. 'Great' I sighed. 'So much for avoiding the Wicked Witch.'
When Huey's speech ended I kissed his cheek lightly and smiled. His eyes hardened and flickered to the back of the room then to me, letting me know that he had seen Yani during his speech. Huey helped me down the stairs and then I disappeared from his side as others came to converse with him.
Sighing at what I knew I had to do, I walked as gracefully as I could to the back of the room and stopped slightly to the side of Yani, waiting as she finished conversing with someone who appeared to be one of her students. The girl nodded to me and quickly ended her conversation. Yani's shoulder muscles tensed and she turned slowly to face me. Her eyes hardened like steel daggers as she sent a mocking glare down to my swollen abdomen; I fought the self-conscious urge to cover my stomach from her scrutiny. I saw fury and what looked like sorrow flash between her eyes before she looked back up to me with a mocking glare.
"I see you certainly didn't waste time staking your claim again, if your waist line is any indication of how quickly you needed another barb to latch onto him. Wasn't one failure at delegating your attention between your career, your son and husband enough? Or are you just selfish enough to bring another innocent little baby into that farce you call a marriage? While there could never be enough of Huey to go around, you however should spare the genetic pool."
I didn't respond for a moment. Instead I just looked at her. Months ago I would have felt hot rage wash over me, but now I just stood there wondering what had happened in her life to make her so…cold, so bitter, and I wondered if I could have become that angry at life.
"What happened to your little side piece?" She asked when I didn't respond immediately. "Does Huey know you were sleeping with someone else while you were still married?" I stayed silent again. She was trying to get a rise out of me, and was upsetting herself more in the process.
"Did you come to wave another gun in my face? Or perhaps that huge rock strangling your swollen finger?" She tipped her chin up and glared down at me.
"No, I came to apologize." I said softly but firmly, aware of the people around us and possible journalists that could be waiting for a juicy story. "What I did to you was unforgivable, to violate the security and safety of your home was…monstrous of me."
"You're asking for my forgiveness?" She snorted then looked up over my shoulder. "Judging by the way he's watching you, I'm guessing he doesn't know that your claws are bigger than you pretend they are." I turned over my shoulder to see Huey's eyes on me as he nodded to whoever was speaking to him. I smiled softly then turned back to Yani.
"Huey knows somethings, but he doesn't know the exact conversation." I confirmed her suspicion. She smiled triumphantly.
"Hmm, seems like you two just keep adding secrets to your marriage." She air quoted "marriage" for emphasis. I didn't show it on my face, but a small inkling at the back of my mind wondered if she was right. "Honey, there is nothing to forgive, because I won. I may not have Huey, but you aren't completely certain if you have him either. Every time he works late, every time he has to leave for the campaign trail, every time he even walks out of the room to take a call, you'll wonder if there's another woman, and you'll wonder if it's me. So you will either smother him with jealousy, or you'll distance yourself and stop caring. And when he's tired of your neglect, he'll find someone else, and your marriage will be just as catastrophic as it was a year ago. You are going to spend the rest of 'til death do us part' looking over your shoulder, and I will always be there if Huey wants what you won't give." She smugly tossed her braided hair over her shoulder and walked away. I glanced around discreetly checking to see if I saw anyone who looked a little too interested in me or Yani, but saw no one who was revealing their curiosity. I debated if I should warn Huey's PR consultant about the conversation just in case there was a reporter lurking around.
I felt a weight lift from my chest after apologizing to Yani, but I really thought about her words. I thought about them deeply as Huey and I said our goodbyes and headed to the car. I thought about them as Huey and I walked through the door and thanked Rosalind for watching X for the few hours we were gone. I thought about them more while I sunk into the warm bath to rest my aching feet and back.
Yani was exactly right. If I couldn't fully trust Huey, beyond the months now that we were actively working on our marriage, when nothing was really challenging us, then nothing would be different and Huey and I would slip right back to where we were over a year ago, only a new life would be affected as well. I would lose Huey, maybe not physically, but emotionally for sure. I started thinking that truly loving someone meant that you loved them, not in spite of their flaws and not despite their flaws, but you loved their flaws just as much as the things you like about that person, because their flaws are the complete package of who they are. Not trusting Huey enough to tell him that I loved him, meant that I wasn't fully loving him; I was only loving him when I felt comfortable.
I sighed and sank lower into the warm, bubbly water, inhaling the mixture of sweet almond and vanilla fragrances. How many times was I going to go back and forth with my feelings for Huey? Why was it so hard for me to just tell him how I felt?
I was starting to annoy my own self, so I turned on my Spotify Relax and Calm playlist and let the smooth chords of music shut out my thoughts.