Chapter 3
As Shelby and Rachel walked down the street they took in the view the city they both loved had to offer. Shelby couldn't help but smile when she realized she and Rachel both felt the pull to New York, it was like they were both destined to live in the city that never sleeps. Their walk continued after the cross walk signaled the all clear, once they reached the other side of the street Shelby felt Rachel's hand brush against hers this wasn't the first time, it's been happening since they left the park. When Shelby felt Rachel do it again she gently reached over to her daughter's right hand and intertwined their fingers. Rachel looked down at their hands and glanced up at her mom shyly.
Since when is my baby girl shy? Shelby couldn't help but wonder. She knew her daughter and she never once showed her shyness. The mother couldn't stop the smile that crossed her face even if she wanted to. After a couple of blocks Shelby turned her gaze to her daughter and noticed Rachel's exhaustion starting to show. Finally Shelby spoke breaking the silence that followed them.
"Rach." She got no reply so she tried again, "Baby?" Rachel snapped out of whatever trance that she was in and that worried her mother.
"Yeah sorry mom." Rachel's voice was barely above a whisper as she looks up to her mother.
"Baby you're tired. Lets get a cab, I don't think you'll make it another block." Shelby used her free hand to brush some of Rachel's hair from her face that the wind blew from its spot.
With a small smile Rachel spoke, "Sounds good to me."
That's all it took for Shelby to wave down the next taxi she saw. She hated seeing her daughter so drained, knowing there was nothing she could do to help her stop hurting, and that to Shelby hurt worse than anything else. As the taxi pulled over Rachel reached out to open the door. She mustered all the energy she had into opening that door and finally she won the battle. Shelby watched her daughter struggle to open the taxi door. She wanted to move Rachel's hands away before people thought her daughter was drunk but she let Rachel have control, she didn't want Rachel to think she was treating her like a baby.
Once the door was open Rachel motioned for her to get inside first, she stepped past her daughter and slid into the car. Rachel followed right after her closing the door after her. She leaned forward to tell the driver where to go and Shelby noticed how she laid her head on the window once she sat back. Shelby without a second thought put her arm around her daughter pulling Rachel into her. Rachel happily obliged knowing her mother's shoulder was more comfortable than the window but also wanting her mother's comfort that Shelby was all but knowing willing to give her. After shifting a couple times Rachel was quickly consumed by the sleep that was luring her for hours. Shelby felt Rachel's breath even out signaling that her daughter did in fact fall asleep, she leaned down and kissed her baby's head letting her get some sleep. Shelby kept glancing down watching her daughter sleep.
The lights from the street lit up Rachel's face and Shelby noticed how peaceful her daughter looked as she slept. This made Shelby wonder if her daughter has slept at all since finding out the news about Finn. Coming to the realization that Shelby had no answer to, how long had her baby girl been dealing with this before she called her? The taxi started to slow down which pulled Shelby from her thoughts and looked outside at a neighborhood she deemed not safe at night and possibly even the daytime. This wasn't where her daughter lived, it can't be. The taxi pulled up outside an apartment building that made Shelby cringe. This is where her daughter has been living. She shook off the thoughts and paid the driver before turning to her daughter and started to wake her.
Brushing the hair from Rachel's face, Shelby whispered, "Rach. It's time to get up. We're here and you've got the keys."
"Mama?" Rachel replied sleep still heavy in her voice.
"It's me baby, we've got to get out of the car now." Shelby undid both their seatbelts and reached across Rachel to open the door, "Come on baby girl get out." She nudged her daughter one final time before Rachel turned to get out of the car. Once on her feet, Rachel extended her hand back into the cab to help her mom out, Shelby laughed softly at Rachel's actions before taking her daughter's hand and stepping out onto the sidewalk.
Rachel led the way to her apartment. Once they stepped off the elevator Shelby cringed again, how did her daughter live here? They got to Rachel's apartment her daughter turned to face her. Rachel knew that Shelby didn't like that she was living here but what could she do? This was as much as she could afford right now. Shelby offered up a small smile and motioned for her daughter to unlock the door. When Rachel slid the door she told Shelby to go on in as she slid the door closed and locked it before she walked over to Shelby.
"Wow, Rach this place is…you." Shelby looked around the open space that was filled with music sheets and Broadway posters and a piano in the corner. Shelby smiled and asked, "You play?"
"Yeah. I never had lessons it just came naturally. My dads never could never figure out where I got it. But I think I know." Rachel looked away from the piano to her mother, "You play don't you? I remember seeing you play a couple times."
"Y-yeah I do. I was the same as you when I was younger." Shelby choked out.
"Mom? Are you alright?" Rachel stepped closer to her mother and touched her upper arm, "Mom?"
"Yeah? Yeah I'm fine. It's just hard to believe." Shelby answered as she wiped stray tears away.
"What? Are you sure you're okay?" Rachel was starting to worry that she made a mistake by talking about her dads.
"Yes baby girl I'm fine. It's just hard to believe that this incredibly beautiful person standing in front of me is my daughter. You're so talented Rachel and you're so generous and caring…forgiving. Rach none of that came from me." Shelby cried again before continuing, " People look at me and they see a cold hearted bitch who runs glee practice too tough to the point kids have a breakdown. When they look at me they see a lonely person who pushes away anyone who ever tries to help her. When they look at me the see a woman who gave up her beautiful baby girl to two men to raise. When they look at me they see mistakes. But when you made your dreams come true. You were raised to be this amazing woman who has over come so much hurt and disappointment. I never helped you through any of that. All I've ever done is add to that and for that and that alone I'm truly sorry Rach." Shelby cried freely for the first time in a very long time.
"Hey, mom. Look at me. Mom! Look." Rachel turned her mom to face her mirror and stood behind her, they were about the same height now that Shelby was in tennis shoes rather than heels. Rachel wiped her mother's tears and continued on, "you want to know what I see?" Rachel didn't even let her mother answer before she continued.
"I see a very strong woman – just like me. I see the fierce theatrical out look – just like I have, I see a very independent woman yet still needs reassurance that things are okay – like me. I see a stubborn person who doesn't take no for an answer – just like me. I see the same brown hair okay given a shade difference – but its just like me. I see how much love you have to give. I see how incredible you are. When you sing I know where I get my talent. When you draw in the people around you by reading Shakespeare I see where I get my ability to act. The only difference I see is our eyes. But the rest of me…the rest of me came from the best of you mom." Once Rachel turned her mother towards her she continued, "And that's something I take pride in telling everyone. I see it, now I need you to see it as well. I am the best of you. You're not a mistake; yes you've made them so I have. Everyone does that's what makes you who you want to be. And you have no idea how much you've helped me. Senior year you came back and you helped me with my audition song, you told me 'You will never become a star or get the lead if you play it safe'. You told me that. You sang with me – I got the part. I came to you to sign a letter of recommendation and you told me how proud of me you were, you told me you wouldn't be the first one to be jealous of what I do but you also said you would be the only one cheering me on. I got into NYDA because of you. My a-audition for Funny Girl you talked me out of singing Barbra and guess what…I got the lead. Everything I am now, in this moment came from you. I take pride in saying that I'm Shelby Corcoran's daughter. So never doubt yourself. We found our place, this is our some day, our time. We are forgiven." Rachel took her mother's hand while wiping her tears away. Shelby took notice of her tears and followed Rachel's lead.
"I love you baby girl. Always have, always will." Shelby pulled Rachel to her and hugged her daughter tightly.
"I love you too mommy." Rachel mumbled into Shelby's shoulder, which only made Shelby hold onto her tighter.
Noticing the time on the clock Shelby rubbed the young brunette's back before saying, "It's getting late we better get you packed."
"Let me go get my duffle bag it should be good to last me a week or so." Rachel turned to move from her mother's embrace but Shelby stopped her.
"Rachel. You're going to need more than a duffle bag." Shelby said.
"No, I think the duffle bag will work. It's only a week mom." Rachel replied.
"Rachel, how long is Kurt gone for?" Shelby said stepping back into mother mode with a hint of Coach Corcoran.
"A month." Rachel mumbled hoping her mother didn't hear her.
"I'm sorry did I just hear you correctly? Did you just say Kurt would be gone for a month?" Hearing this shocked Shelby but she let Rachel continue the story.
"He's staying in Lima to help Burt and Carole get everything settled. He asked me if I'd be okay before he left I said yes. But it just got to be too much tonight. But I'll be alright so the duffle bag will be enough." Rachel finished her rant and was able to breathe.
"Yeah no. You're staying with me. End of story so pack your duffle and a suitcase. We are not fighting about this. Please just pack, I'll help you come on." Shelby held out her hand to Rachel who slowly took it and lead her mother to her side of the apartment.
Rachel grabbed her suitcase from the closet by her and then walked to her bed crunching down to get her NYDA duffle bag, placing both of them on her bed before returning to her closet and grabbing her sweat pants, t-shirts, and her jeans placing the items by her duffle bag and going to grab more of her clothes and placing the handfuls on the bed. She looked at her mom who seemed focused on her shelf. That's when it dawned on her what stuff was over there.
"Mom?" Rachel called out.
Shelby couldn't believe what she was seeing, after all this time. Rachel still had them she heard Rachel call her a second time and turned around to face her daughter with one item in hand. With a teary voice Shelby asked, "You kept this?"
Rachel could only nod her head at her mom thankful that Shelby spoke up again, "You kept everything. The dress, the cup, the glasses, t-the tape."
"The tape has helped me a lot the past three days before I called you. Before this though, the tape helped chase away the monsters that seemed to haunt me dreams at night. I'd wake up and want my mom so I'd put the tape on and it made everything better until it was morning again and I had to wake up and realize it was just a tape and not the real thing. But now, now I have the real thing and that tape…that tape isn't going anywhere none of that stuff is going anywhere." Rachel said taking the tape and looking down at it. "To be honest everything helped. They were a part of you and I couldn't put them in a box and just forget about them." Rachel shrugged her shoulders at that not realizing her mother was staring at her in shock.
"Three days? Baby girl you've been dealing with this for three days? Honey why didn't you tell me sooner? I would have been there from the beginning. I know you're strong but sweetheart I would have been there." How had her daughter been able to do this alone for three days Shelby had no idea?
"I didn't want you to see me like this." Rachel mumbled as her voice started to get shaky.
"Oh honey," was all Shelby could say as she pulled her daughter to her.
Sometimes Shelby was at a loss on what to do to comfort people when they cried and she never let herself cry in front of other people but her daughter was changing that. She cried freely now, she knew by placing her hand on Rachel's shoulder eased the hurt, that her hugs stopped her daughter's cries, that a simple kiss on the head brought a smile to the girl's beautiful face, that her voice chased away the fears. In all Shelby Corcoran is a mother, not a woman who is missing half of herself anymore. Her first priorities are her daughters and their happiness. As of right now her eldest was barely managing and that was a cause for concern.
"Honey, I am your mom, it's my job to help you. Yes it may hurt to see you cry but baby, I'm going to be here with you. I'm not going to leave. Cry if you have to. Punch something. Yell. Anything you need to do I will be there to hold you when you're done." Shelby placed a kiss to the top of Rachel's head.
"I just want to get out of here." Rachel choked out.
With that Shelby pulled away and started packing Rachel's suitcase as Rachel gathered her stuff from the bathroom. One quick glance around the room Rachel said she had everything; Shelby grabbed the suitcase off the bed and pulled it out into the living room. Before Rachel zipped up her duffle bag she took a quick look at her mother noticing she was focused on whatever sheet music that lay on the coffee table and walked over to her shelf. She grabbed a photo album labeled 'Baby Rachel' and placed it on top of her clothes and zipped the bag and went to meet her mom.
"Are you sure you got everything?" Shelby questioned.
"If not I can come and get more. I'm good for now, I promise." Rachel answered and with that she slid the door open and shut out the lights.
Rachel caught up to her mother who had made her way down to the elevator while Rachel said a silent goodbye to her apartment. As soon as she was beside her mother she laid her head on Shelby's shoulder and closed her eyes and started to think. Her thoughts drifted to her job to how Kurt was doing to how Beth was going to handle Rachel being in her home. It was that thought that caused her to eyes to pop open and quickly move away from Shelby. It was those actions that caused her mother to worry, she turned to Rachel wanting to see what scared her daughter but she couldn't read her face.
"Rach? What just happened?" Shelby went to place her hand on the girl's face but her daughter dodged the gesture that caused Shelby to worry more, "Baby?"
"Don't. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have called." Rachel sidestepped her stunned mother.
"Rachel, what are you talking about? Where did that even come from? Hey, talk to me." Shelby grabbed her daughter's arm and turning her around so they were face to face.
"Beth." Rachel's one reply confused the older woman even more.
"What about Beth?" Rachel just shook her head causing Shelby to ask again, "What about her Rach?"
"This will be too confusing for her. She doesn't know who I am yet I'm staying in her house. This – I should have thought this through better." The doors opening cut off the mother and daughter before they could continue. Shelby stepped out giving Rachel a quizzical look when she realized her daughter was not following her.
"Rach. What are you doing? Come on." Shelby extended her hand to take the suitcase but Rachel didn't move.
"I'm going back up. I didn't mean to interfere. I'll call you." Before Shelby could reply Rachel pushed a button to close the door leaving her mother in the lobby of the deserted building confused.
"What the hell just happened?" Shelby asked herself out loud. She regained her thoughts and quickly took off for the stairs that lead to her daughter's floor.
The doors of the elevator opened and Rachel grabbed her suitcase and stepped out heading to her door tears in her eyes and keys in hand. Rachel unlocked her door stepping inside and turning on the lights, leaving her duffle and suitcase by the door she slid it closed and walked farther into the apartment. She walked over to the piano and sat down. Her fingers grazed over the keys before she started to play a tune all too familiar to her.
"Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are the brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all"
Rachel played the notes on the piano before she had finally sang she knew that this wasn't all true, her mom gave her more that brown eyes. To be honest her mom has green eyes so she didn't really give those to her. But she sang on.
"Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me…."
Tears were free falling when she got to the part in the song that hit her the most but she continued to play and sing.
"I think about how it ain't fair
That you weren't there to braid my hair
Like mothers do
You weren't around to cheer me on
Help me dress for my high school prom
Like mothers do
Did you think I didn't need you here?
To hold my hand
To dry my tears
Did you even miss me through the years at all…" Rachel choked the last part of the lyrics out managing to still play but the music trying to regain her composer.
It didn't take Shelby long to reach her daughter's apartment but when she did she heard the piano being played and her daughter's broken voice singing. It didn't take a genius to realize who and what she was singing about. Shelby didn't know what to do but she knew she had to talk to her daughter, she slid the door open thankful that Rachel didn't hear it over the sound of the piano. She wanted Rachel to continue to sing to get her emotions out. It also gave Shelby time to think about how to go about the conversation they both needed to have.
"Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
There's sunny skies as far as I can see
If you ever come back home to Carolina
I wonder what you'd say to me
Forgiveness is such a simple word
But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt
Oh, I hear the weather's nice in California
And just in case you're wondering about me
From now on I won't be in Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off…" Rachel stopped playing and her hands fell into her lap as she changed the last part of the song and softly sang, "Your little girl is off to New York City…" Rachel placed her head in her hands and cried.
Shelby watched her daughter and her heart broke. How could she get Rachel to see that no one could replace her or that no place is as important to her as she was? Shelby couldn't stand to see her daughter crying and walked over to the piano. Careful to not startle the crying girl she spoke softly, "Rach."
Rachel lift her head to see her mom standing by the piano. When Rachel didn't say anything Shelby moved closer to the bench and gently moved Rachel over and sat beside her, "You have to know that I wanted you so badly. Rach every day of my life I wanted you so badly. When I left all those times, I hate myself for doing that. I hate that I make you cry. But you've got to know that I love you more than anything. You're my girl. Yes I have Beth and I love her and she's mine too but she's also Quinn's. So I know how Quinn feels when she sees her because that's the way I feel when I look at you. I may be her mother in every aspect except the one I am to you. I didn't have her and there is a bond that is so strong when you have a child and that bond never goes away. Beth and Quinn have it. You and I have it. I am your mom and you're my little girl even if you're nineteen years old." Rachel's tears started again and Shelby reached over and wiped them away before speaking again, " There is a song I sing when I start to miss you…may I?" Shelby motioned for the piano and Rachel gently nodded before she moved to get up. Shelby stopped her and told her to stay before she started playing a song Rachel didn't really know.
"6 pounds and 9 ounces, lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope, I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is
Sometimes, I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times, I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin'
And the whole time I'll be knowin
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believer things work out like they should
Life has no guarantess, but always loved by me
You're gonna be…" Shelby continued to play through her tears and she knew Rachel wasn't fairing much better.
"I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through some of my mistakes
Lord, knows I'll be trying, oh, to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference between getting by and livin'
Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way more that you're takin'
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you just hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me…."
Just like Rachel had done in her song Shelby took her hands off the piano and pulled her daughter who was sobbing into her arms and wrapped her arms around her daughter's shaking form as the girl placed her head on Shelby's chest before Shelby sang the last of the song, "You're gonna fly with every dream you chase, we just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me. You're gonna be, always loved by me."
When the song was finished both women cried and was comforted by the other. It wasn't until Shelby started to rub her daughter's back that Rachel's tears started to slow. Neither said anything, but the silence was too deafening. Shelby continued to rub the girl's back as she spoke.
"She knows about you. She knows who you are. Who I am about you. I've never been ashamed of you baby, never. She's excited about getting to see you now. She calls you Rachie." Shelby spoke into her daughter's ear.
"You told Beth about me?" Rachel's voice was shaky as she spoke never lifting her head from Shelby. She was safe here.
"You are my daughter. I want you to be around more. I want to see you more. I don't want you to have to watch what you say in front of Beth. I knew if I didn't tell her and you came over I'd never hear you say 'mom' you'd call me Shelby and I don't want that. I want you to be apart of my family and that isn't going to work if there are secrets that should never be secrets to begin with. I love you baby never doubt that." Shelby lifted Rachel's head and started to wipe the girl's tears off her face.
"I love you Mom." Rachel responded with a hug and Shelby held on tighter.
"Let's go home. Come on." Shelby stood from the bench and offered the younger brunette her hand.
"Home?" Rachel questioned as she took her mother's offered hand.
"Home." Was all Shelby said as she led her daughter to the door and grabbing her stuff. For the second time that night the pair made their way down to the crowded streets ready for a new start.
*Okay here it is. After minor mishaps it's finished. Please let me know what you think about it by clicking the review button…I'll give you guys a cookie if you do.*