Not all battles are at war

This chapter has been prompted by a guest, Myownperfectworld, Sam and GeorgaBryony with the combined request of - Jason signs up to the army much to Sandy's distress. But when he returns from tour it's not all sunshines and smiles. War has affected Jason a lot more than he's letting on, will he let his family do anything?

When Jason had told Sandy he was joining the army she had cried. She had begged him not to leave, to stay home where he was needed, where he belonged. But Jason knew he couldn't, having to return to sixth form for another year was so humiliating. He had never felt so bad, like such a failure before, it was a sickening feeling. He had tried to do well in school, to stick to his dad's words about working hard, but watching all his friends moving on and actually starting their lives was enough to keep Jason up at night.

And by the time October reached, Jason had lost any and all motivation he had been trying to keep a hard grasp on. He couldn't stay at school for a second longer, never mind a further seven months, it was just too much, and the teen knew if he even tried he'd go stir crazy.

He had no plan on what he wanted to do though, but one night, as he was randomly googling to stave off the boredom instead of finishing his English coursework, Jason stumbled upon the answer. A small ad popped up about the British army and before he knew it, it was 3am and Jason was fully determined to sign up. In just hours the teen knew what he had to do, and he was damned if it wasn't going to happen.

Telling his family was probably the hardest thing Jason had ever done, but by the time Sandy had come back from London to dissuade him, his confirmation letter had been sent off and he was already packed for training.

"You can't do this Jase, you can't go," Sandy tried once more on the train's platform, the rest of the family a few feet off, all looking more than willing to bundle Jason back into the car so he couldn't leave.

"But I am mum," Jason said with a small smile, clutching her hand tightly in his. "I need to do this."
"You don't need to do anything love. If you've been pressured by someone else then it's not too late to-"
"No-one's pressured me into anything, this has all been my own decision. I didn't even tell anyone till the confirmation letter was sent through. But joining the army it feels like the right thing to do deep down. I know if I don't do this, I'll regret it."

"But it's so dangerous," Sandy said, teary eyed as she tried to keep her emotions in check.

"And I know all the risks and more mum, and I'm prepared to deal with them. Because I want to do this more than anything, and I'm going to do it."
"Okay," Sandy nodded after a moment, accepting that nothing she ever said would stop her youngest from going after what he wanted, no matter how horrible and dangerous it may be. Blinking back the tears as the train pulled into the station, the blonde attempted a smile. "Give us a hug then, who knows when I'll even see you next."
"I love you mum," Jason said as he squeezed the nurse tight.

"I love you too son," Sandy said, voice shaking as she tried to fight the tears, moving back so the others could say their own goodbyes. And as she watched Jason board the train, she found the tears finally broke free as she realised that her baby boy may never return home.

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Jason knew he was fit. He went on runs five days of the week and was always signing up for amateur boxing matches to compete in, but they were nowhere near the scale of his training at the camp. It was completely brutal and every night he'd go to bed physically aching, muscles pulled so tight they were screaming out for rest and a bit of relief, though that never really came.

Every day was torturous, with a new activity to torment Jason and the other recruits, each one worse than the last – a fact that continued to surprise the young Roscoe, who always believed that nothing could get worse than the current activity he was dragged into.

But as time passed, Jason started to grow accustomed to it. The activities that had once left him wiped out for hours, now left him barely gasping for breath, and soon, Jason was getting shipped off for the very first time.

It hit home then, that this was real. He was in the army, he was going over enemy lines to help fight for Queen and country, and if he died, well people back home would be grateful for the sacrifice but it would be nothing but superficial. They wouldn't even remember his name if it was announced on the news, he would be just another faceless solider who had died in that war.

But Jason found himself unable to care, because he hadn't joined the army for fame and glory. No, it had been for a sense of purpose. He needed to join the army, needed to know he was doing something good with his life, something that would help others and save lives, and as Jason boarded off the plane and made his way to the camp that would be his home for the next few months, well he realised he had made the right decision, because this was where he was meant to be, hell or high waters.

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In the five years that Jason had been serving for, he had returned to Hollyoaks village for a grand number of 0 visits. He had said in his letters that the visits were too short, and having to leave his family after a few glorious weeks together would be too much for him to handle, too stressful an experience.
He told them all just how much he longed to be back home, to see them all again, to meet Ziggy's wife and Freddie's girlfriend, to finally get to hold his two little nieces who he had only seen in pictures during his time away, but if he went back, there would be no way Jason would have the strength to leave again.
So he kept his distance over the years, spending his holiday time with a few other lads from his unit who shared the same sentimentality as he did. But then his duty time was over, and Jason Roscoe was finally going home.

His family were all waiting at the station, eyes bright and all practically buzzing with anticipation, craning their necks to spot Jason as the train finally pulled in. The first thing they noticed when they spotted Jason was just how different he looked, though why they were surprised after a good five years, none of them really knew.

He was a couple of inches taller than Ziggy now, with a tan that said brother would probably kill for. His hair was buzzed completely off, and despite all the family knowing that it was going to happen, it was still odd for them to see in person, as they all knew just how particular Jason could be about his hair. But it wasn't just that, it was the way Jason held himself now, tall and proud, whilst still managing to look exhausted and completely haggard, and so much older than his 23 years would suggest.

But that all flew out of the window as Jason finally spotted his family and began to make his way over to them, because he was here, he was back in Chester and he was alive and it was real, not just a cruel dream that had haunted each member of the Roscoe clan for god knows how many years.

Sandy pulled Jason into a tight hug, practically shaking with joy as he returned the gesture, breathing in her familiar perfume with relief. Because he was home, and he never had to go back.

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Dinner was a huge family affair, with everyone trying to fit around the giant kitchen table with great difficulty, it practically heaving under the huge weight that came with all the food that had been prepared for the special meal.

Jason was sat in between Robbie and Ziggy's wife Michela, watching with a contentedness that he hadn't felt in years as he watched the older woman chatting comfortably with Lindsey, whilst she watched Ziggy help Danni, their two year old daughter with her food. If he was being honest, Jason could have happily sat there all evening, just watching his family. It was crazy, because whilst everything felt so different, it all seemed just as it always had been at the same time.

There were a few new faces, and Jason physically ached at seeing just how comfortable they were with his family, but why wouldn't they be? Michela and Freddie's girlfriend Zoe had been present at family meals for the past four and two years respectively, with Danni and Amelia (Joe and Lindsey's five year old) being actual blood relatives. In their eyes, Jason was the new face, the unknown stranger, and the soldier wasn't quite sure on how he felt about that.

"So Jason," Zoe asked, tearing a naan bread in half as she turned to her beloved's younger brother. "Now you're back what are you going to do?"
"Uhh, I hadn't really thought much about it," Jason said with a strained smile, trying to push down the sudden rush of irritation that came forward at the question.

"After doing everything you've done, you'll probably go stir crazy if you stay trapped in here," Zoe continued, completely missing the way Jason's fist tensed and the steeliness in his eyes as he tried to keep his annoyance in check, though she wasn't the only one. All around him, the Roscoe's were all involved in their own conversations, paying Jason no mind.

Why couldn't they just be quiet? Even for a second, why did they have to keep talking? It wasn't like it was anything of merit, just useless stupid shit, it was all crap, so why did they continue?

Jason willed for everyone to shut up, though his prayers (like every other one made in the past five years) were left unanswered.

"Joe's convinced that you're going back to the garage, though I can't imagine it'd be that exciting after everything you've experienced."

"I haven't really thought about it," Jason repeated, praying that Zoe would be dragged into another conversation, he really wasn't feeling in the mood to get interrogated. He was perfectly happy just watching and staying quiet, social interaction? Not so much.

"If that was me, I wouldn't have stopped thinking about it once on the journey back here," Zoe said airily, taking another generous sip of wine. "But I'm quite OCD like that, always have to know what I'm going to do, like ten years in advance."

"Well I'm not you am I?" Jason said, plastering a fake smile on his face when he registered just how sharp his tone was.

"I.. I didn't mean that Jason, I just meant," Zoe started, eyes wide as she realised she may have overstepped the mark. The other Roscoe brothers were all so easygoing, and the blonde hadn't even thought that Jason would be any different.
"What exactly did you mean?" Jason cut in, effectively stopping the woman sat across from him, as well as catching the attention from the majority of the table. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you had served as well, and therefore know what it's like coming home."
"I haven't served," Zoe said, sharing a confused look with Freddie, her partner trying to calm her nerves as best he could with just a look.

"Yeah well then maybe you should shut your mouth," Jason snapped, ignoring the shocked expressions from all around him.

"Jason!" Sandy exclaimed, eyes wide in astonishment at her son's tone.
"You can't say that to Zoe," Freddie cut in quickly, jumping to his girlfriend's aid whilst trying not to further agitate his brother.

"Well I just did, so that's your argument gone up in smoke," Jason snapped, not looking sorry in the slightest for upsetting Zoe, a shock to all the Roscoe's, who knew Jason as the person who would never ever willingly hurt anyone, no matter what. What they were seeing now, well it was the complete opposite.

"What's up with you?" Robbie asked, turning fully to face his twin, almost recoiling at the anger in Jason's eyes.

"I don't need this," Jason snarled, standing so suddenly his chair fell to the floor with a clatter.

"Where do you think you're going?" Rick yelled after his son as he watched Jason begin to make his way to the door.

"Out," Jason cried over his shoulder, slamming the front door shut behind him before anyone could protest.

"What the hell was that?" Robbie found himself from asking after a few moments of tense silence. Unsurprisingly he was met with no answer.

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The garage, much like most of Hollyoaks Village, had barely changed since Jason had left Chester to go serve. Sure, there was a new lick of paint on the door, and a few new posters plastered on the walls, but bar that, it was practically identical. Jason wasn't sure if that was more unnerving than comforting, after all it gave the illusion that life had stayed still whilst he had been away, and that wasn't the case in the slightest.

All around him, he was surrounded by new faces where old friends should have been. And it wasn't just that, but it also having to watch these strangers interact with his family like it was an everyday occurrence, because it probably was.

Because these people weren't strangers, they were practically part of the Roscoe family and had just as much right as Jason had, to sat around the kitchen table during dinner. Who cared that Jason couldn't tell the difference between Zoe and Michela, and even though he knew he should, didn't love Danni and Amelia as an Uncle should.

He was finally home, and Jason knew he should be happy, over the moon that he was finally reunited with his family, but it was proving to be one of the hardest things he'd had to do in years. He was just so agitated, his skin was crawling and his chest felt too tight. He needed a release, anything to take his mind off what he was currently experiencing. Without thinking the soldier moved to the punching bag that hadn't even moved an inch since he had left.

Lifting a fist, Jason punched the bag with all his might, raising the other in seconds to repeat the action. In seconds, the youngest Roscoe was raining down punches on the boxing bag, not caring that his fists weren't properly wrapped, that he hadn't warmed up and that he was most likely to cause himself some sort of injury if he kept going like he was.

He just needed to release it all, to rid himself of his frustrations, to clear his head, and well turning to a punching bag was surely the better alternative than going to the bottle?

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Jason hadn't slept in a room on his own for years, and whenever he did it was only on a rare occasion. He had grown accustomed to hearing other people breathing, snoring and hell, even sleep-talking, so this new silence was unnerving.

And yes he was in his old bedroom, but it no longer felt that way. Only Freddie, Robbie and Rick continued to live in the once full family home, meaning there was no need for anyone to share rooms. His twin had long since moved out of their teenage bedroom to across the hall, where Joe and Lindsey's much larger room lay.

Jason sighed, squeezing his eyes tightly shut in hopes it would help, that sleep would come quicker, but his mind was still racing. His skin was still crawling, despite having spent a good two hours at the punching bag and Jason just felt like screaming.

When he had gotten back home, everyone who had other homes to go to had left, with the three remaining members of the family long since departed to go to bed. Whilst Jason was somewhat glad he didn't have to deal with any confrontations straight away, he knew that him snapping at Zoe earlier was only going to be brought up the next morning. His brothers, especially Freddie wouldn't be able to let it drop, and due to years of experience, Jason knew they'd only keep going on about the incident; because many things may have changed over the years, but the soldier knew that wouldn't be one of them.

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"Oh Jason, uh, I didn't see you there," Zoe started, eyes wide as Jason entered the kitchen, bleary eyed after only just waking up, though he didn't feel any more rested. "I'll just, urm, just get out of your way."

Jason couldn't help the guilt that sprang forward as he saw just how nervy his brother's girlfriend was around him. That wasn't right, she shouldn't be scared of him, though after last night's outburst Jason knew she had every right to be.

"You don't have to do that Zoe," he started, trying his best not to spook her any further. "I just wanted to apologise about last night. I should never have snapped at you, and I don't even know why I did. I promise you that I'm not normally like that, it was probably just all that jet lag getting on top of me or something, not that that's any excuse, I shouldn't-"

"I forgive you," Zoe cut in before Jason could continue.

"You what?" Jason blinked, unable to hide his shock. After all, he had been convinced that Zoe would hate him forever after all he had said to her less than twenty four hours ago.

"After all that Freddie's told me about you, and seeing that you're genuinely sorry now, I can see that what happened last night was really out of character for you. I'm not going to hold that against you, why would I? You seem like a really great person and I can't wait to properly get to know you now you're here."

"So we're good?" Jason hedged, wary in case this was just all a nasty trick, after all, when things seemed too good to be true, they usually were.

"We're good," Zoe smiled.

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Sometimes Jason couldn't fall asleep at night, he spent hours staring at the ceiling, willing for the hours to pass by. But when he did sleep, he sometimes wished that he hadn't, because when he finally fell asleep Jason normally dreamt, and they were never pleasant.

In those dreams Jason watcheed his comrades, his brothers in arms dying, their blood spewing from wounds as gunshots, screaming and yelling filled the air. He drowned in the fear that filled the atmosphere as it once did when he was out serving, the fear of falling to the ground and never getting back up completely consuming him.

And those dreams felt so real, because they were. Jason had witnessed that all happening before, and if there was one thing he could control in this shitty world, it would be that he never saw that ever again. But Jason had no control, it felt like his sanity was slipping out from underneath him most days, and nearly every night he had to watch his brothers dying again and he had no idea on how to make it stop.

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Despite how much Jason tried to control his fears, to hide every emotion he felt behind a wall, he forgot just how much his family could really notice. And boy were they noticing that he wasn't coping.

For the first few weeks after his arrival, they'd all just thought it was down to Jason growing re-accustomed to normal, everyday life after years spent in another country, fighting for his life. But as time carried on, the Roscoe's knew they had to start accepting the fact that there was something up with Jason.

It was what lead to them all sitting around the kitchen table, the tension thick in the air as they all tried to think of the best way to approach the situation with Jason, who was throwing them all odd looks, having picked up in seconds that something wasn't quite right with them.

"What is it?" He finally asked, the worry he was feeling doubling at the looks everyone shot each other.

"Jason love," Sandy started when she realised no-one else would. "We're worried about you. Ever since you got back you've been acting so differently-"
"What? No I haven't!" Jason protested, not liking where this looked like it was going.

"Jason you were practically frozen in place, in the middle of Price Slice for a good five minutes yesterday, staring at the bread like it was going to attack you, that's not a normal thing," Robbie cut in, knowing that there was no way edging around the subject was going to do anything productive. If they wanted to get anywhere, he had to tell it like it was, no matter how harsh that seemed to be.

When Jason said nothing, only winced and looked down at the table surface, the family knew they were finally getting somewhere.

"You need to talk to someone son," Rick said softly, not looking away when Jason looked up suddenly, the anger in his eyes obvious to see. "The way you're acting, well it's not normal."

The venom that Jason protested with not only scared the Roscoe's more than they'd like to admit, but also proved to them that they were right. Something was up with Jason, and they needed to help him anyway they could.

Eventually the former soldier accepted that his family was right, and agreed to make the appointment. Before he had even walked into the room on the day of said appointment, the family knew what the diagnosis would be at the end of the session, but hearing those words relayed back to them hurt more than they could say.

Post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD for short.

Jason didn't feel like he was ill, didn't feel like he was broken enough to go to the scheduled therapy visits, but something was obviously not right in his head. Going into the therapist's room the first time was probably the hardest thing he had to do, but as time passed by, Jason slowly began to realise he had made the right decision.

Because talking about it did hurt, did rip him apart, but ultimately, they helped him to heal. He felt more in control than he had in years, less likely to break apart by the simplest thing, and no, he wasn't back to normal, but Jason doubted that would ever happen. But at least he was better than he once was, and maybe that was all he was going to get. But maybe, just maybe that would be enough.

So sorry for the slight delay in this chapter, but I was busy...celebrating my 18th over the past couple of days to be able to spend too much time writing! But I was determined to get this posted today, so I'm pretty glad I did :)

Next Chapter - Sinead is pregnant again but after spending the night with Robbie, who's the father, Robbie or Freddie? - CookieMonster (set after Sinead's one-night-stand with Robbie)

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Guest – There should be plenty more of Robbie-centered chapters, so I hope you'll enjoy those as much as you did the previous one!