He watched me for another second or two then headed up the stairs. It wasn't just my head that wasn't in this and he knew it. Sure, I could go up those stairs, push through it, pretend, but what would that accomplish? There was an open field across from the hotel and I needed to think, needed a walk. I thought the month at Oliver's had made some great change in me. We'd had a blast, talked a lot of shit through, been brothers again like he'd said. It'd felt good, too good but it hadn't really fixed me. I really didn't know what could fix me or if I was even worth fixing.

I checked for cars, none were coming, crossed the street, walked about half way into the field and came across a flat topped boulder. It was one of those days when the sun pops in and out of the clouds every five or ten minutes, there was a soft breeze and I kept getting whiffs of whatever plants or weeds were blooming in the field. For some reason the top of that boulder seemed like the best place to be, to sit and think so I did just that. "Huh, last time I was sitting on a rock was that day she and I drove to get pie. Now that was a good day, one of the best really. Screw it, it's a cheap suit anyway." I leaned back, laid down, put my hands under my head and closed my eyes.

Back to basics huh? Years ago I used to still check in on people that we'd saved. The ones we'd gotten names and numbers for anyway. I didn't go talk to them or anything, no point to bringing back all those memories for them, I just wanted to know they were still okay, still fine. I'd hang out across the street from their house, watch the kids walk home, maybe catch a glimpse of them outside. It sounds creepy now that I think about it but back then it kept me going. They were standing on that street laughing or whatever because I stopped a monster. That was my job and I was damn good at it. I really didn't need anything else. Funny thing about saving the entire world though, the world doesn't actually know you saved it. You don't get hugs from grateful parents or kids, the world just goes on like nothing happened, because technically nothing did. You get up the morning after you saved the world sore, tired and empty. You'd think you'd wake up the next morning feeling great, but you don't. You're too busy dealing with whatever sacrifice you had to make to keep the damn thing running. No one knows, no one cares. You walk out on the street, no one says a damn thing to you because they don't know how close they came. You tell yourself that you did a good thing then you drive by the ashes of the house you grew up in and wonder if it really was. You build another pyre, bury another friend and tell yourself this is what they would have wanted, that you made the right choice. You go on. Another fire, another body, another retelling of the same thing, till you have no one left. Nothing left.

Back to basics huh? No matter what I was going to do in the next hour or so I had to have some sort of reason. So, what is it? Why should I get up off this rock and keep going? When Sam and I fought the Mark, saving him was the only thing I was holding on to. Not killing him, not letting the last member of my family down. It was the last thing I had but Sam didn't need me to save him, hadn't in years. Hell, I was the reason he'd needed saving in the first place. I could have found Dad on my own but I was too afraid I'd fuck it up somehow, I always screw everything up anyway. Anything big. So, if my reason for existing isn't to protect my brother what is it? Why am I really still breathing? It's really scary when you ask questions like that and don't have an answer.

A cloud passed over the sun, must have because it got darker. The night we did that sweat, seeing exactly what was in store for me in Hell came back to me. Feeling every cut, every burn, every lash almost a year before it would happen. I wanted to run so bad, but there was nowhere to go. Nowhere a hellhound wouldn't find me. I staggered out of Rising Dove's house after he fell asleep on the couch. It wasn't his fault, guy was in his sixties and had just pulled off an entire sweat ceremony. All I knew was I had to get out, try to get rid of what I was seeing in my head. I still don't know how I'd made it to Coyote's place but I barely made it up the stairs to her room. She was sleeping and sleeping hard. I didn't really want to wake her up, throw my shit on her but she must have felt me somehow. She didn't say anything, just pulled the covers back and let me collapse, pulled me back from the edge. She told me that I was still alive, we were still alive. That the vision hadn't happened yet, we still had time.

It got brighter on my eyelids, the cloud must have moved. I still had time, was still alive. No matter how dead I felt inside I was still here, far past the point where I should be but that wasn't the point. I saw them all again, Jo, Ellen, Bobby, Mom, Dad. All their faces seemed so clear. Maybe I couldn't find a reason to fight for myself but that didn't change the fact that I owed them something. They'd all put their faith in me, God knows why, but they had. Sam had too, over and over, so was Roy and Coyote. No matter how many times I'd fucked up they still trusted me to pull through somehow and do the right thing. Right now the right thing was stopping an evil shaman. After that, well that'd be a whole other conversation but I had a reason, at least for this fight. The world didn't stop, there was no crazy feeling of enlightenment but I felt better, back in the game. Or at least back enough.

I got up, dusted myself off, walked back across the street and opened the door to the room. Sam was looking at his laptop, his back towards the door and Roy was scrolling through his phone. Roy looked up first, there was no judgement on his face, no questions, he just gave me a level look.

"So, let's gank an evil shaman."

Sam spun around, half a smile on his face. Once he got a good look at me he relaxed and the smile reached his eyes. "Sounds like a plan. Next move?"

"We got a few hours to kill, how about we go intimidate a medical examiner?"

"Not a bad idea."

My brain felt clearer, like I was firing on most of my cylinders again. "He's obviously covering for something, let's find out what. I'm tired of being in this damn suit anyway."

"You guys want me to come or stay here and research?" Roy offered. It wasn't too hard to pickup on the fact that I'd been having issues and he was offering a neat way for Sam and I to have some time alone. We didn't need it though, this was all on me. Nothing Sam could do would help.

"Never hurts to have an extra set of ears and eyes. Come if you want."

"All right."

"Don't change yet," Sam said.

"Aww man..."

"Take Baby, go to the morgue see if the ME is still there. If he is, call me and we'll take Roy's car to his house and meet you there. I tracked it down but don't want to risk a break in without knowing if he's there or not."

"Since when has that ever stopped us?"

"Yeah, but we have a second car and a third person, may as well put all that to good use."

"Good point. If he's not there?"

"We'll figure that out later I'm thinking we may want to go check out one of the places a body was dumped see if we can get any other clues as to who's behind it."

"Could be fun. Okay, call you in a few."

"Dean?" Roy asked, "I'd rather come with you, see what you guys do there. If that's okay. Sam can still use my car if he needs to."

It'd been Sam's plan so he's the one who should have the say on that, "Sam?"

"Works for me. I'll just chill here till you let me know where the ME is. You kids have fun." He stopped talking but there were so many more comments he wanted to say. By the way he was trying not to crack up laughing I figured they all had to do with Roy, women and my advancing age.

"Roy, go change, I'll wait in the car." I turned around but not before I heard a snicker from Sam. I waited until Roy had walked through the bathroom to his room, "You know Sam, you're the one getting the short end of the stick on this job, Roy gets the young chicks, I get chicks our age, not sure who that leaves you. Maybe the old ones? You did get attacked by a bunch of them a few jobs back. Remember that case we did in the mansion? The one with the fake cross that got left to Bobby?"

"Shut up."

I shot him the most obnoxiously smug grin I could, winked and left him muttering to himself. Sure younger brothers plot, but older brothers will still always win in the end. It's the extra years of experience. Roy showed up a few minutes later, we piled into Baby and took off. We went a block or two, I still had a shit eating grin on my face from my parting comment to Sam when Roy spoke up.

"Hey Dean?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to ask about whatever's been bugging you, not my place. I just wanted to say that, well.."

"Are you already violating the no chick flick moment rule?"

He stopped talking, I don't think he realized I was joking. "Sorry, joking."

"Oh, just how you dealt with it, that's what I wish Oliver would do more. Sam didn't say anything about what happened but it was pretty obvious you guys had a serious talk. Whenever we try to talk to Oliver, he never seems to take time to really listen and think about what we're saying. That's all."

I wasn't sure what to say to that, "Well, even the most hard headed people get things eventually. People like Oliver and I just need to have our heads bashed repeatedly into brick walls sometimes first. Give Oliver a few more end of the world situations, he'll get it eventually. Maybe we can draft him into hunting for awhile. Sam and I will hang back, let you two do all the hard work. We can start a business, Vigilante Counseling Retreats, learn teamwork and effective leadership skills while fighting demons." I honestly thought Roy was going to die laughing.