"Dude, it's not like I asked her marry me or anything," I pointed out, even though it had felt pretty good to say I loved her.

"Baby steps. Although for you that's pretty much the same thing."

"Whoa, slow down. Don't go remodeling my room or anything just yet, okay?"

He laughed and let me go.

"Is she okay?" Roy asked.

Poor guy looked completely wrecked. The fact that he'd held it together this long was pretty impressive actually. "Yeah, I think so. How're you holding up?"

He leaned against the wall, pretty much shell shocked, "I don't really know."

"Uh huh, come on. We need food and drinks."

"Maybe I should just stay here, not sure how functional I am."

"I'm driving, you don't have to do anything but sit there."

He didn't move.

"Roy, go. That's Dean's way of saying let's talk. For some reason those two words always seem too hard for him to say."

"Thanks for the translation Sammy."

Roy managed to grin at that for half a second, then pushed up off the wall and got moving in the general direction of the door. Once we got settled in and headed down the road I tried to get him started on processing the last few hours. "So, a bit different than taking down criminals huh?"

"I keep wondering if you guys drugged me somehow and this was all just a hallucination."

"Ah the first stage, looking for alternative explanations. Always a fun one."

"Those animals, or spirits or whatever. They were connected to people, to you. I killed people today Dean. I know they were bad people, I know they would have killed you or me if they had the chance and it was the right thing to do but still."

"Yeah I know."

"I thought this would be different somehow, not easier but less confusing. Easier to know the answers in the moment you know?'

"I warned you. I mean, sure you jumped into the super deep part of the ocean here but fact is killing monsters or people is still killing. It's just easier to justify it when they have mouths filled with fangs and are trying to rip your throat out. It still eats at you though."

He didn't say anything for a few minutes. I took a quick look at him, he seemed so young. When I was his age I'd already kissed a crossroads demon and made my deal, I don't ever remember feeling as young as he looked right then. Course I never got a chance to be.

"Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, helping Oliver. I don't think I have what it takes."

"Why?"

"Because all I could think of when we were out there was that those people had a point to be pissed. I know my history, I know what happened to the Native Americans. Sometimes I feel like I care too much about the people we catch, I could have ended up like them. How do you fight something that you can empathize with? I mean, you don't empathize with monsters. Do you? Oliver and Dig always seem so on target, determined, like you and Sam did today."

"You saw my Warrior Spirit right?"

"Yes."

"Trust me Roy, I know what a monster feels like and how easy it is to get there. So does Sam. I told you before, we've let some monsters walk. The only thing that divides a monster from a human isn't what they hunger for, vegetarians probably think I'm a monster because of the amount of burgers I eat. I've probably killed a whole farm's worth of cows over the years. What divides the two is how they act and honestly empathy is something monsters don't have, so if you have it it's a good sign. You've had chances to walk away from this life, you haven't. You've got what it takes. You've got the skills, you're just as good as Oliver is in a fight. You saved Sam's life, saved my life, saved all of us today. You think fast, you move faster and you have the will to do it. You don't need Oliver, hell you really don't need Sam and I. I'll let you in on something. Oliver and I, you're way ahead of us in some ways."

That shocked him, "How?"

"What you said about seeing what Oliver sees, that comes from experience but that's not what keeps you alive in the end. We all make mistakes, hell we still do but what it comes down to is your mind set. Your ability to remember what's important and why you're doing all this at the end of the day. Where you lose your way is when you can't see that anymore. When I first met Oliver he was a lot darker then he is now and Sam got to see an even scarier version of him. What you saw when he played martyr, that's what happens when all the losses you've suffered make you close up, stop letting people in, stop listening because you just can't take another hit. Oliver didn't let any of you guys too far in because he was afraid, afraid to feel, afraid to have any hope."

"But he fights to help other people, so he has to have hope. Right?"

"I can almost guarantee that he started doing that to keep Dig where he needed him, not because he wanted to. Oliver knew he needed help pulling off the secret identity assassin gig. He probably planned originally to use Dig, check the names off his Dad's list and move on. I'd guess that he was so far gone from all the shit he went through during those five years that he'd become more killer than anything else. Dig got through to him, not much but enough. Enough to make him start seeing past what he'd dedicated his life to."

"Okay, but how am I ahead of you?"

"You still ask questions and you're willing to let Thea in. You ask for help. Oliver and I? We pretty much suck at that. You see that people can help you through, keep you sane. Oliver forgot that. I know it but I'm pretty damn lucky because I have Sam. We grew up doing this, so there's never been a reason to keep what I was doing from him. We both had the same secret, the same history but sometimes even he's not enough. That's where someone like Thea comes in."

I could see him making connections. "You and Coyote?"

"Yeah and Oliver and Felicity. It doesn't have to be a chick but it has to be someone you can let everything go with. Sam and I are a whole helluva a lot closer than most brothers out there, but I'm still the big brother. You know how that works. You said you have a younger brother right?

"Right and you can't let your kid brother see you're scared or totally lost."

"Yup. Years ago, after I sold my soul to save Sam I was pretty close to off the rails. Probably a lot like how Oliver has been with the whole Merlyn thing. I made us hunt non stop, I wouldn't talk about it, had nightmares and drank way too damn much. Time was running out. We were looking for a way out but there wasn't one. Something we did caused demons to possess some of Coyote's people, we went to help. Because of what we'd done with deals and such Coyote and her teacher told us we had to be purified, but that wasn't what happened. We did a sweat ceremony and Sam and I saw what our futures were, I saw and felt everything that would happen to me in Hell. Coyote and I had had an on again off again thing for years, there was always something there, but you know, the life got in the way. Anyway, I couldn't let Sam see how fucked up I was. I could barely walk but after he passed out I made my way to her house and lost it. My plan had been to leave the next day but Sam got to her first. He told her that she had to make me stay, make me take some time off, make me realize what I was living for. She listened and made her point pretty damn fast. I stayed a few days which are still some of the best memories I have. Those days reminded me that I was still alive, they took that edge away. That fear that'd been eating at me. Sam knew I wouldn't let him take care of me, wouldn't listen to him, but I would listen to her. You already have all that with Thea. I saw how you two were, how you feel about each other. You have the heart to do this Roy, you have the skills and you have a person that will stick by you no matter what as long as you don't fuck it up. What it all comes down to is if you want to."

By then we'd gotten to the restaurant, "Coming in?"

"No, I think I'll wait."

"Cool. Care what I get you to eat?"

"Burger's fine."

"Sure thing." I got out of Baby, went inside and ordered Coyote's and Sam's favorites, grabbed a steak for me, burgers for Roy and Cougar and a huge blueberry pie. I was looking forward to seeing her smile when she saw it. I paid, grabbed all the bags and got back in the driver's seat. Roy looked less like he was wondering if he was delusional and more like he'd been doing some serious thinking, "Any of that help at all?"

"Yeah I think it did. Thanks."

"Good. I don't usually do the words of wisdom thing, that's more Sam's area of expertise."

"He and I had a pretty long talk last night too. But he's not an older brother, you, me and Oliver, we all are. Makes a difference."

"Yeah, guess it does. Drinks next then back to Jim's."

"Hey Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"You really think I'm as good as Oliver in a fight?"

"Hell yeah. More fun too. Oliver's kind of a downer on long drives, at least you get my jokes. He threatened to shoot my tires out because of some worms."

"Worms?"

I saw a pretty sneaky ass look in his eyes. I hadn't planned on saying anything but I couldn't pass this up. Roy does live there after all, "He can't stand them. I put some in his shoes. He shot an arrow through my beer can and my fishing pole. Who does that?"

"What a jackass. Ruin a perfectly good beer just because he's cranky."

"See? You understand."

"Course I do."

We both cracked up at that point. He'd be fine, one way or another.