Disclaimer- Do not own Young Justice or any of its characters.
Double update for you guys. I'm kind of doing this as personal insurance because Warlords of Draenor comes out tomorrow and I am going to be hella distracted.
I now entreat you with my personal FAVORITE chapter of this entire freaking asinine fic!
SO FUN.
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Chapter Length: 2,389 words
o.o.o.o
Two weeks after Wally and Artemis had started their work, the blonde finally got to meet Dick.
It was really a remarkable feat that she hadn't already, but because of the two men's conflicting job schedules and Artemis's visits at random hours it just hadn't occurred. That had been just fine and dandy for Wally; he still had nightmares about cases in which the two met, sometimes involving Dick booking her for being a werewolf, and other times and much worse in his opinion—the two of them making out aggressively shortly upon meeting.
Just the thought of the latter made him shudder for some reason.
They were eating spaghetti sloppily that evening, watching The Walking Dead and having a good time making fun of some of the character's decisions as well as getting in a serious debate about the actual possibilities of a zombie apocalypse.
"Where would you hold out at?" Wally asked her, digging into his fourth bowl of sauce covered noodles; he had added meatballs in just for Artemis.
Separate, of course, because they were raw as raw could come.
"I guess somewhere practical. Like outside the city, in the countryside where there's less people. You?"
"The DMV," he answered promptly. Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Why? What good would that do you?"
"Everyone steers clear of the DMV," Wally said darkly, and laughed when Artemis threw a noodle at him. It curled around his freckled nose and dangled over his mouth, just close enough that he was able to get his lips around it and slurp it up. The blonde scoffed, but her smile said it all.
They had just finished taking their empty bowls to the kitchen sink when there was a knock at Wally's front door. Artemis frowned at him, glancing at the clock above his fridge, which declared that it was eight o'clock at night.
"You got a date or something you didn't tell me about, Wallman?" she asked. Wally's eyes widened at the suggestion. He hadn't dated anyone in a couple of years, despite his best efforts, so the idea that a girl was waiting for him on the other side of it was a little alarming.
Besides, Artemis had already claimed his wonderful company for the night; and women outside that door would just have to take a back seat.
Friends before impromptu dates.
That and sitting across from a woman he barely knew sounded a lot less fun than eating his weight with Artemis. Which was what they had in mind before the door-knocking so rudely interrupted.
"No, Beautiful, I swear, haven't dated in a couple of years," he was hasty to respond as both of them trekked together into the living room again just as more knocks sounded. "Coming, coming!" he yelled.
The only reason Artemis let him call her that nickname without scrunching her nose up in distaste was because of a movie they'd seen together one night. A movie about a ninja girl whose ninja dad ordered her to kill her ninja boyfriend, because he was from a rival ninja clan; that was the cliff notes version at the very least.
At any rate, they had joked about the characters having certain mannerisms that reminded them of each other, such as the ninja boyfriend being dorky—her words, not his—and the ninja girl being all hardcore—his words, not hers. Long story short, ninja boyfriend and ninja girlfriend wound up in a desert with amnesia, and the one thing that stuck despite the memory loss was his tendency to call her beautiful.
So one joke and a pillow in his face later, and Wally West was suddenly able to get away with calling Artemis Crock beautiful.
It was a great front. He thought she was beautiful anyway but he didn't want to squick her out since they were best friends and all. Even though it was okay to think your best friend of the opposite sex was beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Like, walk through the bar casually and make all the guy's jaws drop to the floor beaut—ah, yeah.
So anyway that worked well enough, and there was always a 50/50 chance Artemis would either make a face at him or smile because of it. Well worth it.
"Wow, what a shock," she gasped playfully, something glinting in her eyes as she continued their conversation. "You mean your pasty legs don't bring any woman nerds to your yard?"
"Sadly, no. Their loss; I have killer calves," Wally responded with fake sadness, grinning when she chuckled raspingly at him while he turned the brass doorknob.
"Hey, dude," Dick greeted as soon as it swung open. "Got off work an hour early tonight, thought I'd bring you a little something for your 'project."
"I'm the one bringing you a gift, don't listen to him," came a second, feminine voice from behind the man's shoulder.
Wally scowled a bit when the cop moved through the threshold, closely followed by a woman that set Wally's blood pressure sky high with her presence. She sauntered in behind Dick.
They were both in what Wally could classify as "casual fancy" clothes, like the kind you'd wear on an easygoing date that didn't involve restaurants higher than three stars.
The only things that broke the image were Dick's beloved sunglasses and, of all damn things, a top hat situated at a jaunty angle on the woman's head, the kind a magician would wear. Her hair was dark and curly, and she was toting around a plastic bag that looked like it was full of wax petals.
"Wally, long time no see," she chirped when she sighted him.
"Not long enough," he insisted, closing the front door with a mild slam.
Zatanna Zatara owned a shop on Gotham's west side. It was a hole in the wall store that had been in her family for generations; the white paint was peeling around the door frame, and the perfectly pretty cursive letters that pronounced the place to be called S'arataz Nordluac were dull. It was a shop full of all the kinds of things Wally hated most. Magic, spell books, all kinds of strange and pungent herbs, ludicrous remedies for ailments that could easily be taken care of with a trip to the doctor, and so on. It consistently smelled of perfume and garlic and Wally just really couldn't stand it at all, yet he was a good wingman for his bud and walked in there with him when he wanted to flirt with the tenacious brunette.
The delusional brunette was more like.
Zatanna pursed her lips at him, but would not be deterred.
"Still in denial I see," she hummed. "Well, then I guess you won't be needing this wolfsbane."
"Wolfsbane?" Wally questioned, at the very same second that Artemis asked with more strain in her voice, "Wolfsbane?".
That outburst swiftly brought her to the attention of their visitors. The blonde's steel eyes dropped to the plastic covered herbs still in Zee's grasp, and as if noticing for the first time the metaphorical bomb in her hand, she quickly thrust them against Wally's chest. He grabbed them frantically, taking a few steps back to help defuse the situation a bit.
"It's okay, Artemis, I won't let the stuff near you," Wally promised. "Dick and Zee just want to help, you know. In their own weird way. That involves barging in unannounced with potentially lethal aconitum."
"Gesundheit," Zatanna said. "And you're welcome."
"I didn't—" Wally began hotly, but was interrupted by Dick, who had stepped around to hold out one of his hands for Artemis. She took it confidently, shaking it while he grinned.
"Hey, I'm Dick Grayson, I work for the Gotham City Police Department. I think Wally has been purposely keeping us from meeting. Bet it has something to do with all the dirt I have on him," he cackled, and Artemis smirked. The strange easiness of the interaction, as if they somehow already knew each other without his knowledge, had something hot twisting inside of Wally's gut, forcing him to set the wolfsbane package delicately on the floor near the door before striding across to the two of them.
"Yes, hi, and also goodbye," Wally interrupted forcefully, that heat in his stomach spurring him to do so.
"Wow, rude much?" Zatanna asked, one of her brows raised high.
"I'd classify bringing wolfsbane onto the premises rude. Oh, and coming over unannounced at eight in the p.m."
"Why?" the woman asked slyly, clicking her tongue against the inside of her cheek in amusement. "Did we interrupt something?"
"Yes, our sanity!" Wally cried, trying to fight down the flush in his cheeks. He knew exactly what Zatanna was implying, but he wasn't about to address it, especially when he caught Artemis's faintly pink tinted face. Best to avoid uncomfortable accusations like that. Einstein… the very thought...
"Mhm," Zee hummed happily, before turning her attention to the blonde. "I'm Zatanna Zatara, by the way. Artemis, what you need is a friend that doesn't have a penis. You know, someone you can have girl talk with? From what little I've heard about you, I think we could take the town between the two of us," she said conspiratorially, ignoring the sputtering noises Dick and Wally had made at her penis comment. She shushed them, continuing onward, throwing her arm over an amused Artemis's shoulders amiably. "You see, I know a lot of things. Spiritual, supernatural, political, you name it. I especially know things about those two over there. Stuff that would give you an edge over them. We're talking blackmail level good, just in case the need ever arises. Girls gotta have each others backs!"
Oh, Einstein, the evil grin Artemis shot his way made his insides melt into mush. This was so not going to be a benign alliance for the sakes of he and Dick.
"I like her," Artemis said, laughing. Wally groaned; they were all doomed. The entire town of Gotham was actually largely screwed. He punched Dick harshly on the forearm.
"Ow, what was that for?"
"This is all your fault. Why'd you even bring her here?"
"Because, non-believer, I just happen to be the only supplier of fresh wolfsbane this side of Gotham City. You're lucky you have me as an acquaintance," Zatanna pointed out, one hand going to her hip. "I wanted to make sure it got here safely for our werewolf friend."
"She's not a werewolf," Wally growled, offended by the boldness of the comment. How insensitive to refer to someone suffering from a legitimate condition as being the actual thing it's named after? Though in hindsight, Wally should have realized Zee was only here to help on her own terms, and those terms would be that Artemis was an actual werewolf that needed help. It made him seethe, but he tried to keep himself as calm as he could. "She has lycanthropy. A medical illness. There's a difference."
"Hmm, her aura tells me otherwise," the brunette said thoughtfully, eyeing the blonde scrutinizingly with one hand holding her chin.
"There's no such thing as auras!" Wally yelped, pulling at his red locks. "It's all magical mumbo-jumbo! Hey, did you know that in primitive cultures fire was once considered magical, too?"
"I feel we've had this conversation already," Zatanna sighed melodramatically.
"Three times, if my count is correct," Dick supplied helpfully. "Or maybe four. It's hard to keep up."
"There are no werewolves," Wally said firmly, crossing his arms in a gesture of finality. Zatanna just shook her head pityingly at him, and that made him even more angry, but honestly they could argue for ten years and statistics would agree that neither of them would change their minds unless something life-changing happened. As if.
"Look, I'm just saying I know a werewolf when I see one, conventional or otherwise."
"You know, I really hate being talked about like I'm not here," Artemis huffed in abruptly, crossing her arms underneath her bosom. Wally gaped at her, trying and failing to say something along the lines of an apology, but the words stuck in his throat. The way she was standing there all haughtily like that wasn't helping his brain get back on track either. Her pose was like the definition of Artemis Crock; her hip was cocked out to one side, her eyebrow was raised, her full lips were pursed, and he seriously couldn't help but notice how nice her chest looked all pressed up like that, straining perfectly against her deep green shirt.
Ugh, where did that even come from. It was a good thing mind-reading wasn't a thing because he was pretty damn sure that level of appreciation for a friend was a little reaching.
He cleared his throat.
"Sorry."
"Me too, and double sorry if I offended," Zatanna offered to her new friend sincerely. "You know, I'd like to talk to you alone a little, if you don't care. I have something to share with you, and yes, it definitely will involve an embarrassing tidbit of information about your redheaded non-believer."
"Stop calling me that!"
"You are a non-believer though," Dick laughed.
"Dick, why don't you and Wallace put that wolfsbane in his room somewhere so it won't cause any accidents, then you can chill on the couch and like, scratch yourselves or something. We won't take too long, I promise."
"You do know that guys don't actually scratch themselves like gorillas when they're hanging out, right?" Wally asked.
"And girls don't have naked pillow fights when they have slumber parties," Zatanna sing-songed sweetly, pushing Artemis toward the entrance of his kitchen.
"Touche," Dick said. "Come on, Kid Flash, give Artemis a chance to have a friend that 'doesn't have a penis'."
Wally opened his mouth to protest about all the horrible things that could transpire for them if Artemis and Zatanna became best friends, but Dick grabbed his arm and started to usher him in the opposite direction.
The redhead groaned inwardly, wondering how he and Artemis's friendly leisure night had turned into such a strange exchange. Out of all the ways he could have imagined Artemis meeting his best friend, it hadn't involved wolfsbane, comments about male genitalia, or Zatanna Zatara.
One thing was for certain, Artemis Crock was sure making his life interesting.