A/N: less than/greater than signs don't seem to work on her either (wow that will be annoying with Rose's tree modus later =o=) so if you see "x3" it is supposed to be a heart, not an emoji type thing...haha. Oh well, onward!
Putting on his clever disguise once more, John checked to see if his father had left the mail in the car.
The door was locked and his dad had the car keys. He peered in through the driver's side window.
He didn't see any mail, but he did see a green package resting on the passenger's seat. There was also something underneath it that looked like a slip of paper.
Could these items have come in the mail? He didn't see anything else that was usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe Dad forgot to take this stuff inside.
John walked around to the other side of the house to try to get a gander through the kitchen window, but he couldn't see a whole lot. It seemed Dad had been doing so much baking, the glass had steamed up.
God he was so weird.
But he could see what was on the table just beside the window. It looked like the mail was there! Included among it was a red package, some bills, Dad's PDA and an envelope that appeared to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB logo. Could it be?
Unfortunately, the window was locked.
He headed back inside though the front door. He noticed that one of the arms had fallen off of the harlequin doll as he passed it.
He had no other choice; he had to go in the kitchen. It was time for the clever disguise to work its magic.
In the kitchen, there stood his father, birthday cake in hand. He turned towards John.
His dad saw right through the costume! John didn't know what he was even thinking with this foolish ruse.
He unequipped the clever disguise. Dad wielded a dreaded artifact of confection. He stood between John and the mail.
There was only one way to settle this.
STRIFE!
Dad took out a lighter and lit the candles on the cake while John readied his hammer.
He attempted to knock the cake out of his father's hands, but Dad continued to forcefully present the cake to his son.
Suddenly, Dad brandished yet another artifact of confection – a cream pie! The man was ruthless.
John knew he had better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.
He quickly equipped his disguise for defense as Dad threw the pie into his face.
The beagle aegis absorbed the brunt of the treat. It looked like Dad would enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as was usually the case.
John captchalogued the pie tin currently stuck to his face and unequipped the beagle puss.
Everything in his sylladex was pushed back a card and the smoke pellets were ejected from the deck.
Yes! This could be just the distraction he was –
Nothing happened. The pellets fell out and peacefully landed on the floor. What a huge letdown.
When Dad nearly shoved the cake into his face yet again, John grabbed it and forcefully captchalogued it into his sylladex.
"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde
Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.
The cake forced Colonel Sassacre's text out of his sylladex, landing on top of the smoke pellets. The incredible weight of the tome caused them to release their smoke.
Sassacre you beautiful bastard.
Now was his chance!
Dad had grabbed a broom and was busy placating the smoke detector, so John could safely sneak away.
But first, he snagged his dad's PDA. Maybe later he would switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it might come in handy later.
The spare captchalogue card was forced out of the sylladex when he took the PDA, and consequently integrated with the deck. He now had five cards to work with.
John quickly captchalogued the red package which was addressed to him, and the SBURB Beta envelope.
He then left the kitchen and took the cake that was sitting on the couch in the living room, expelling the pie tin from the bottom card in the process.
In an attempt to make the cakes into a double decker cake, John accidentally merged the two cakes across all five cards.
Everything in his sylladex was smushed between the cakes on one card. Why didn't he think these things through first?
He retreated upstairs, pausing at the juncture and heading down the hall. He was going to need something to clean up the mess he was about to make by dissecting this cake.
To the left was the bathroom, and to the right was Dad's room. It was locked, and John was forbidden from ever entering. Dad had secrets.
He entered the bathroom. He could see the back yard from the window. The jewel in its crown was the swing set which had provided John with years of joy. There was also a spring-mounted pogo-ride, which had been responsible for more than one painful injury, and had provided him with years of lament.
On the sink was Dad's razor. On the rack to the side was a fresh towel.
John took the razor and used it to perform surgery on the cake, removing the PDA, envelope and package.
He then took the towel and cleaned off the extracted goods.
Retrieving the items forced the manhandled cake out of his sylladex and into the toilet.
John groaned.
Just like that his sylladex was full again. God this thing was annoying.
In his bedroom, John's computer beeped at him with Pesterchum notifications. However, John opted to admire his Failure to Launch poster.
He wasn't usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.
This was his "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one was a lot better, he thought. A Time to Kill.
"Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. (chokes up) Now imagine she's white."
You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!
Heading to his computer, John checked the awaiting messages left by his chums.
- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -
GG: hi happy birthday john! x3
GG: helloooooo?
GG: ok i will talk to you later! :D
- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 –
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 -
TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden
TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something
TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies
TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit
TG: dude what are you doing
- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! –
EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.
EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.
TG: no stop
TG: just no
TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them
TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold
EB: mcconaughey.
TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make
TG: ie dumb
TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up
EB: those are my dad's.
TG: i was talking about nick cage
EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.
TG: ha ha so lame
TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it
TG: hahaha
EB: i do things ironically sometimes.
EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?
TG: no those are awesome
EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?
EB: wait...
EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?
TG: im wearing them ironically
TG: because theyre awesome
TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome
TG: and vice versa
TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool? jesus get a fucking pen
EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.
TG: ew yeah
TG: oh well
TG: anyway speaking of which
TG: did you get the mail
EB: yeah.
TG: did there happen to be a package there
EB: yeah, there's a big red one.
TG: you should probably open it
EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.
TG: oh man the beta came
EB: yeah! wanna play it?
TG: haha no way
EB: why not!
TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that
EB: where'd she go.
TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess
TG: probably be back online soon
TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus?
TG: seriously dude
TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous
EB: ok, i will.
But John decided to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.
He opened the Typheus web browser and directed it to what was indisputably the most amazing website ever created, MS Paint Adventures.
The new adventure, Midnight Crew, was ok, but he wasn't sure if he liked it as much as the last one.
But, he decided it was time for less meta and more beta.
He inserted his newly acquired CD into his computer to install the SBURB Beta.
A window popped up indicating that the installation would begin once the server could establish a connection.
What the fuck was this.
Maybe now would be a good time to bone up on his data structures after all.
He went to his closet, where he kept a lot of clothes and an array of handy computer programming guides.
He pulled out Data Structures for Assholes. On the front cover there was a splash advertising that the book came with a free fetch modus.
John wasn't sure he really wanted to dig into this huge tome. It looked really boring. And kind of ornery. Maybe he would just check out that free fetch modus instead.
He turned to the back inside cover, where a free fetch modus was included in a plastic sleeve.
This one was dictated by the logic of a queue data structure, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a stack.
He applied the modus to his sylladex.
Items captchalogued in his sylladex were no longer immediately accessible. He could only use the item on the bottom card, and had to wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.
This modus didn't strike him as a significant upgrade to his previous one. In fact, it almost seemed more inconvenient. He figured he may as well give it a chance though.
He captchalogued one of the cakes.
Finally, he had found a use for all those loitering pastries: dead weight.
Then, he captchalogued the other cake which had been sitting on his bed. The second cake caused the razor to launch out the front of his sylladex.
Oh good lord. That beautiful face.
It had stuck right into McConaughey's forehead on the A Time to Kill poster.
John wished the razor would have failed to launch.
Time to get more stuff.
Opening his magic chest, John captchalogued one of his favorite books of all time, Wise Guy by Mike Caveney. In doing so, the fresh towel was ejected and gracefully landed on his head.
He figured he may as well grab the trick handcuffs as well, but once he did so the PDA was ejected out of his sylladex like a bullet, smashing through his bedroom window and landing out in the yard.
"Oh dammit." John muttered aloud.
He picked up the red package and examined it. It was from one of his internet chums.
TO: EB
FROM: TG
The tag read. It was bound in packing tape though. He would need something sharp to open it.
Ah, of course! The razor! It was all so simple, he wondered why he didn't –
Picking up the razor caused the package to fly out of his sylladex and knocked him in the head. He picked it up once again, and dodged the cake that came flying out. Better take this from the top.
He took three glass shards from the broken window in quick succession and ducked for cover. The sylladex rained down devastation on his room from above, as another cake, the book and cuffs were expelled.
Now that his cards were packed with glass, he probably didn't want to do that again anytime soon.
Looking out the window, he saw all the stuff scattered about the front yard, with the cuffs hanging from a tree branch. He should probably go get that stuff before he forgot.
But it was time to open the package. He used the razor and opened it up, peering in.
There was something suspicious inside. Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.
It was a stuffed bunny. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.
But no, it was not merely like that bunny. According to the included note of authenticity, it was the very same bunny!
This was so awesome.
John's computer began beeping at him with notifications; it looked like it was trying to get his attention.
Looking at the screen, the SBURB client window read,
SBURB version 0.0.1
C SKAINET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
SBURB client is running.
A SBURB host user is attempting to connect with you.
Client has established connection with host.
Press [ENTER] when ready.
Pesterchum appeared to be blinking as well.
- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 -
TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.
TT: I'm going to try to connect.
EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.
TT: The rabbit?
EB: SO SWEET.
TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.
EB: ha ha, what?
TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?
EB: oh the game, ok.
EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?
TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.
EB: oh, ok then.
TT: Why don't we get started?
Returning to the awaiting SBURB window, John pressed the Enter button on his keyboard and watched as the screen turned white with a green circular patterned logo in the center and the progress bar at the bottom.
The logo morphed and changed colors as the game installed, as did the background. It even played a little upbeat medley while he waited for it to finish.
Then the screen went black, and the word SBURB appeared in bold green letters.
The installation was complete.